Original subtitles

Two hundred dollars.

Hey, Pop, where are you?

Look at this house.

Oh,

excuse me, madam. Have you seen my father?

Why don't you come upstairs and I'll flush your brain down the drain?

Hey, I'm only kidding, cop.

Hey, I don't believe it, man.

This house, I've never seen it this clean before.

Yeah, that's because it's never been a honeymoon cottage before.

Honeymoon cottage?

Yeah, come over here. I got this telegram this morning.

Here, look at it.

Hey, what do you know about that? Aunt Frances finally got married.

Mrs. Rodney Victor.

That's a beautiful name, isn't it?

Mrs.

It sure is.

Yeah, see, her and her husband are moving to Los Angeles.

Have they found a place to stay yet? No, they'll stay with us until they find

something. Hey, that's good, Papa Chris. I like Aunt Frances. Yeah, son, I'm

telling you, she's the greatest.

Yeah. You know, that Rodney got to be the luckiest guy in the world.

She's your favorite sister, isn't she? Oh, yeah, son.

She's Joan of Arc, Madame Curie, Shirley Chisholm.

And Lena Horne.

All rolled up into one.

You roll all them into one and you get Toadie Fields.

That's funny.

Yeah, I thought you liked it. Look here, son. I'll just show you something here.

In the album book.

Look here.

That's my baby sister right there.

Yeah, see? You know, you were more like a father to her than a brother. Yeah,

that's right. See? Well, our folks passed when she was two years old and

raising her like she was my own.

Brought up myself.

Look at there.

That's his at four years old, learning to make a three -cushion billiard shot.

Oh, look at that.

That's a cute picture. That's Aunt Frances lying on a rug with no clothes

You know what, Pop? She looked a lot like you then.

That is me.

Hey, hey, what does this guy that she's marrying, Rodney Victor, what does he do

for a living?

Son, I don't know what he does for a living, but it must be something good

because Frances is too great to settle for anything less than Mr. Right.

I sure be glad when they get here. Be like one big happy family. That's good.

My house is their house.

Hey, that's nice of you to say that, Pop. My food is their food. Hey, that's

way I like to hear my old man talk.

And your room is their room.

Okay,

I thought so, but it's all right. I don't mind.

Oh, it's a boom.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Well, we'll come right out and get you. Oh, Pop, we can't. I let Julio borrow

the truck.

You big dummy.

Why you do that? Now you're going to get Puerto Rican all over our truck.

Friends, honey, listen here.

Change of plan. Look, here's what you do. You and your husband catch a cab out

here. And your big brother will pay for it.

Sure. And I'll give the cab driver a good tip.

I'll tell him not to be in this neighborhood.

Tell me all that stuff when you get here, honey. You and your husband get a

yeah? All right. Bye.

Hey, Paul. You know, I haven't seen you this happy... I haven't seen you this

happy since the Kit Kat Club went topless.

Yes, you have.

When? When it went bottomless.

Well, consistent brawl.

That's not brawl.

Well, it looks like broth to me.

Well, only a real dummy would think that was broth.

Well, that'll be all now.

I'll give you the money for the gas.

All right. I'll let you know, sir.

You excited, huh? Yeah.

You ready? Yeah, hurry up. You ready? Go ahead.

won't be upset about me being white?

No, I don't think so, but just to be safe, turn black.

I love you.

Three dollars ought to cover it. All right, here you go.

Get the door, son.

Nice to see you.

Rodney Victor, my husband.

Situation has completely overwhelmed my father, and I must calm him down.

Surprise.

Oh, shut up.

Look, don't drink it, Pop.

I ain't gonna drink it. I'm gonna pour it over my body and stack a mask to it.

Man, that's some shocker, isn't it?

Holy mackerel. Will you look at this, Francis?

Look at this money.

Your brother... must have hit a daily double or perfecta. Put that back.

Put it back. Come on over here. They're probably saving that for something

special. Something special? What race is he in?

Hey, where's my racing bar?

Rodney, nobody's talking about racing. Hey, Pop, you look frozen.

Sure I'm frozen.

I just got hugged and kissed by Snow Whitey.

I'll be right down, dear. All right, darling. Take your time.

Fred, I was just putting it back.

See that?

The question is, Mr. Intermarriage, how could you possibly be putting it back in

there if you didn't take it?

And that's grounds for divorce.

And I'm going to divorce you from my sister by the power of...

of farther stuff, but just for the fun of it, I'd like for you to tell me how

you could be putting the money back if you didn't take it out of there, because

I like to laugh, too, you know?

Well, I just put it back in the drawer.

Sure you did.

Oh, no, darling.

Nothing could ever be wrong as long as I'm alive. Everything's going to be all

right. So you do worry about things. You just go on upstairs and unpack your

suitcase. Yes, but I don't want to put you out. You couldn't put me out. You

mean all the world to me.

Now go on upstairs and take the first bedroom to the left.

I'll go get the bags.

Yeah, and you come on back down and take the first couch to the left.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a place for my sister and her person to sleep.

See, here's what you do. She'll sleep in your bed.

You'll sleep with me.

And the couch goes to the man from Glad.

Oh.

Oh, not to put you out. You two sleep in your own beds, and we'll just cuddle up

nice and tight right here on this couch.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. Now, it's been all decided.

Huh? Look here.

Now, here's what it is.

Okay. Now, this is all straight, ain't it?

Okay. Now, Lamont takes the couch.

That's fine with me.

I'll take Lamont's bed. Sounds like a good plan.

And you and Rodney, Francis, take my bed.

Whatever you say, brother.

And, uh, Rodney, you got the first watch.

And from 12 o 'clock midnight till 6 o 'clock in the morning, Rodney will take

the first watch out in the yard.

And then I'll come and relieve him with the second watch.

You got it clear now?

See, and when he comes off his watch, he can sleep here on the couch to keep him

waking up Francis.

Watch? What watch, man?

Would you please tell me what you're talking about? I'm talking about the

I'm talking about the ghetto.

The ghetto.

Where people have to watch their loved ones. You can't close your eyes for one

solitary moment and let your loved ones lay there unguarded.

Please, honey. Honey, he can't miss.

Now, listen, honey. He's going to be a long shot because of the field, but I

know the trainer, and he swore the horse couldn't lose.

What is he talking about?

Fred, my husband has only one problem.

Yeah, he's colorblind.

No, he's a horse player.

Was, Francis, was.

Now, I haven't played the horses in months, have I, honey?

Now, I'll admit I've blown a lot of money, but I've quit, haven't I?

Well, you have eased off. You really have.

But why are you bringing it up now?

There's a horse running at Santa Anita today named Going Bananas.

Now, he's going to go off at ten to one.

A hundred dollars will get us a thousand.

Now, I know he's going to win. I know the trainer. I know the horse. And by

sheer coincidence, my dear nephew just said the name, Going Bananas. Honey,

a sure thing.

I'd be willing to bet all their money on it.

Nephew? Hey, man, say you agree with me. Do you? Listen, Rodney, I'm going to

tell you what Francis should have told you a long time ago. Uh -uh. What's

This.

I disagree with gambling, I disagree with you marrying my sister, and you

disagree with my stomach.

real thing and wind up with a pale imitation.

Any sign of him?

Fred, how could you?

How could I what? You were cruel to him. I don't blame him for leaving this

house. I'm almost tempted to do it myself.

Oh, honey, don't talk like that. My house is your house.

My husband's house is my house, wherever it is. Oh, I don't know. How could you

marry him anyhow?

Oh, Fred, will you try to understand?

I love him. He's kind.

Good natured, and he loves me.

Oh, be serious.

Oh, Fred, stop it.

You really mean how could I marry a white man, don't you?

Well, ain't there no kind, warm, generous black man?

Yeah, there are many.

The most beautiful one of all was you.

I don't want all this stuff on me.

Well,

maybe if I had waited, I might have found another black man just as

but, uh... Rodney came along first, and he just happened to be white.

Well, I'm sorry, Frances. Maybe he didn't go away mad. Maybe he just went

the corner with a paper.

Of course he went to buy a racing form.

Where would that be?

Down on the corner. Let me go. No, I'll go. I'll be right back.

Hi, Aunt Frances. Hello, Ma.

What's the rush?

She's rushing to try to kiss the white Tarnita.

I guess by that you mean her husband.

Yeah. Hey, what you doing home anyway?

Well, I forgot to take money with me this morning. I couldn't buy no lunch.

Oh.

You know, son, maybe I was a little too hard on him. I think so. He's not such a

bad guy. Nah. Yeah.

I just didn't learn to like a man like that.

Hey, Pop, it's gone. All the money is gone. What, what, what?

I knew it. I knew it, son. I knew he was a crook. We've been conned. We've been

hoodwinked. We've been had by the kitchen bandit.

You know what, son? I knew it.

I knew it. You just can't trust them. Bring them into your home, and they rob

your blinds.

Okay, Pop, that's enough already.

It's all my fault, though, son. I know better. You're not supposed to tempt

them. There's two things you've got to always do.

Let's hide all your money and lock up all your liquor.

Let's not go accusing the man on the spot before we find out for sure. Yeah,

you're right, son. We have to consider the evidence.

Now, let's see.

The cash is gone.

He's gone.

Guilty.

Death by hanging. Case closed.

Who could that be?

Could be the police.

The police?

Don't tell me you called the police.

That's right.

Pop, we don't even know if Rodney did it or not, man. Look, when they come in

here, let's not go mentioning any names until we find out for sure. No name. No

name.

Hey, what's that? Hey, help me, please.

since you're two over as opposed to two other policemen. Well, thank you very

much. You know, there's very few victims of social injustice who give us police

officers a warm welcome.

What's the problem, Fred?

Well, see, it's kind of a delicate situation. Wait a minute. Let me explain

the man.

Remember, just remember, no names.

Okay. Well, listen. Here's what happened.

Now, my sister, uh, who we call Madam X.

Yeah. Sent me a telegram saying that she was married to a gentleman who we refer

to now as Stephen Hunky.

All right.

Okay, that is, uh, that's Stephen Hunky. Yeah.

How do you spell that, that Hunky?

Uh, Y -T.

Y... Y -T?

Yeah, say it again. Y -T. Y... Y -T -Y -T.

Y -T. Y -T.

Now,

I'll

handle this. Look, we had a lot of money here in the house, and now it's

missing. Yeah, and we had a brother -in -law in the house, and he's missing.

I think I understand what you're getting at. Now, did either of you actually see

this person take the money? Well, no, we didn't actually see him. Well, then,

Fred, you could be jumping to conclusions.

Yeah, I'd jump in his chest if I found him.

Not only that, I'd play Ring Around the Roses and shove it up his nose.

I don't know why she ever married him in prison.

Well, you may have a point there.

What are you talking about?

Well, I don't want to be an alarmist, you know, but after... Two years in the

bunco division.

Well, I... Well, what?

Well, there's such a thing as a gang of unscrupulous men who go around marrying

unsuspecting women. And once they spuriously interject themselves into the

family unit, they purloin everything they can through a series of

larcenous machinations.

The guy could be a con man trying to rip you off.

No, no, no.

Now, this is only guesswork, however, and we policemen deal in facts, only the

facts, never in guesswork.

Come on, Hoppy, let's go.

Right. I'll see you later. Oh, and remember, gentlemen, the man is innocent

until proven guilty.

All right, poor Fred. He's got a brother -in -law who's guilty.

That guy, all he want to do is get his hands on my bunco.

Let's just conduct our lives as if nothing at all happened. And sooner or

later... Rodney and Aunt Frances were sure. And you said yourself that if your

sister married somebody, he would have to be Mr. Right. Yeah, Mr.

Right, not White.

Hi. Hello. Hi there.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. And hello, that's all you said when you walk in the house is hi and hello?

Pop, would you calm yourself down now? Everybody says that when they walk into

house. Well, shame on them.

Will somebody please tell me what's going on here?

President. It kills me to tell you this, but Rodney married you so he could get

his hands on my bunco.

He sold my $200 off the draw. We were saving for a stereo.

Oh, I see. Oh, Fred, Rodney didn't take that money. I did. Here it is. Oh, no,

no, no. I saw that. I saw that in the movie Night Before Last where the wife

made up for the evil the husband did. What movie?

It was called Rodney Goes to Jail.

than he was about that horse. I took your money to remove it as a temptation.

Oh, you took the money so he couldn't bet it on going bananas?

Mm -hmm. Well, where y 'all been?

I went out to the track to watch the race just to see if my hunch was right.

it? It sure was.

Going bananas came in and paid ten of one just like I thought.

Now, if I'd bet $200, we'd have had 2 ,000 smackaroos right now.

You dummy!

Put it down there. Thank you.

You're sure welcome. I sure hope you all enjoy it now.

Hey, what is that?

That's a stereo set.

I know it's a stereo set. I can see it's a stereo set.

I'm blind.

I know it's a stereo set. What is it?

Sometimes it's best to give my father a glass of warm milk and a Twinkie and

leave him alone.

What's he doing here? It's a present for you from Rodney and me.

at the candy store told me Rodney bought a racing form and went out to the

track. So I went out there to find him. Isn't she wonderful?

Is that love?

Do you see what we have, Fred?

I don't know what she got, but you got chronic hergitis.

So how'd you ever find him at the racetrack? Well, naturally, I couldn't.

then I felt badly for not trusting him. And so I did what I thought he would do

if I had trusted him. I bet $20 of my own money on going bananas.

And you won $2 ,000?

No, $200.

And so?

But I did not want the cereal with me.

Honey, you're a tribute to the man that raised you.

I mean it. When you was four years old, you made your first three -cushion video

shot. And here, you won a ten -to -one bet at the racetrack at the age of... I

raised you perfect, honey, didn't I?

No, Fred.

I'm not proud of myself.

I did take your money without telling you.

Yeah, well, don't even mention that. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is

mine.

Fred. Fred, I gotta tell you something. Huh? You're the best.

You're the best...

Wow, what a meal, what a meal.

Pop, our Francis can cook, man.

Listen, son, I don't think I've ate that much in my whole life.

Well, you know, Pop, I can understand somebody having firsts and seconds to

their appreciation, but nights?

Francis sure looked happy, didn't he? She sure did, man. In a house with

but a bed, an alarm clock.

And the stereo that we gave her for a present. Yeah, I think she really liked

that present.

She sure did. And her husband liked it, too. And I want to thank you, Pop, for

finally making that man feel at home in his own house.

Well, you know, I look at it like this.

Ever since Francie was two, I wanted to see to it that she was happy. So if

she's happy married to Paleface, why should she complain?