All language subtitles for sanford_son_s04e07_matchmaker_matchmaker

Hey, Papa, I'm home.

Is lunch ready? I'm starving.

Good morning, son.

Good morning? Do you know what time it
is? Where?

What do you mean, where?

Well, I was watching 5 -0 last night,
and I'm on Honolulu time.

You know, just a little TV lag.

You've got work lag. I've been up since
7 o 'clock, Pop.

Well, we all look at it. It's 7 o 'clock
here, but it's 6 o 'clock in Hawaii.

So I've just got about an hour ahead of
you.

Another way I see it, it's 6 o 'clock in
the morning in Hawaii.

I'm going back to bed.

Wait a minute. We've got a truck out
there that has to be unloaded.

Okay.

I'm going to get me some breakfast. It's
too late for breakfast.

Not in Honolulu.

I got a written letter for you. Oh, for
me?

Yep. I read.

Aloha. Goodbye.

What you got there, son?

It's a letter from St. Louis.

From St. Louis? Well, tie it up. I ain't
got no money to loan nobody.

No, Pop. Nobody's asking for any money.
Did it come postage, dude?

No. Is it written in crayon?

No.

Did it come here on a jail station
there?

No. Well, that takes care of your
mother's side of the family.

Wait, who wrote it? Well, it's a letter
from a lawyer that says he represents

your late cousin.

Late for what?

Pop, your cousin George Sanford died.

They think he was late then. He's really
going to be late now.

Look at this.

Last will and testament.

I, George Sanford, being of sound
mind... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Something's got to be wrong there.

Sound mind?

That can't be our cousin, George.

Let me finish.

Being of sound mind and body, since I
did not have any children of my own...

body wasn't too sound either, was it?

Go ahead.

I hereby bequeath to Lamont Sanford the
sum of $7 ,000.

$7 ,000?

Well, Cousin Joe... Joe...

$7 ,000 subject to the following
conditions.

That he marry and have a child, and that
the third child be named George

Stanford II.

See, it is my hope through my cousin
Lamont that my name will be perpetrated

at least one more generation.

Isn't that something, Pop? Do you
believe this, man?

Pop?

Pop?

Pop?

Me. A grandfather.

George Sanford II.

Has a nice ring to it.

Sort of like a cash register.

Well, just don't go spending that money
too soon, Pop, because we've got to

think about this.

You're right, son.

Let's think about it.

That's long enough. Now, look.

Your dear departed cousin, George, has
left you 7 ,000 big ones. And all you've

got to do, Just have a baby.

Look, Pop, I know $7 ,000 is a lot of
money, man, but the thing is... It's not

just the money.

See, it's things.

It's, it's, it's, it's the color TV.

It's the Playboy key.

It's, it's, it's a new truck.

And it's 3 ,500 trips to the $2 window.

Not yet, it isn't. Just listen to this.
If the baby's not born within 12 months,

the money will be distributed to
charities benefiting black people in

That money is not going to benefit any
black people in America.

That money is going to benefit us.

Well, even if I do decide to do it, Pop,
that doesn't give me much time, you

know. You got nine months. Sometimes you
don't need that.

You need at least nine months unless
you're a rabbit.

No, you don't. What about that girl?

That Peterson girl that married that guy
from Chicago.

They wasn't married but four months.

And then, wham, boom -a -loom, bam!

Baby.

Listen, son, do it.

I always wanted me a grandbaby.

And I want you to have one, Pop. It's
just that I don't want to go rushing

something that I'm going to be sorry for
later.

You won't be sorry. It's nothing like
having somebody home where you can come

home to them and sit down with them.
them and eat with them and sleep with

and sit around the table counting money
with them.

I'm not getting married, man. I'm not
ready to give up my freedom. Well, are

ready to give up some of your teeth?

I'm not getting married. I'm not getting
married. You've got to get married. I

don't have to get married. Look, Pop,
there's so many things that I want to

man. I want to have adventure and
travel.

I want to have girlfriends.

There's plenty of time for girlfriends
after you get married.

Something's burning in the oven.

Hey, that's it, Pop. I've decided, man.
I'm not getting married.

But what about the $7 ,000?

The money doesn't count, man.

When I get married, it's going to be for
love, not money.

Well, what about a compromise?

Love of money.

You know what you're asking me to do?
You're asking me to sell myself for $7

,000. No, I ain't. You have to sell
yourself. Just rent it out for a little

while.

Look, Pop, it's not that I'm against
marriage. It's just that I want to wait

the right girl to come along.

When is that going to happen?

I don't know. I'd go out with a lot of
girls, but the girls that you go out

aren't necessarily the ones you want to
marry.

Look, you married Mom because...

She was your perfect girl. I mean, she
was warm and wonderful and wise.

And working.

Don't worry, Pop. I'll find her sooner
or later.

Better sooner than later. You know, you
only got nine months.

You ain't Bugs Bunny.

You know, sir, I still don't think that
Lamar is going to appreciate you finding

him a wife through a computer.

But he'll sure appreciate that $10 ,000.

Hmm. Hey, Grady, looky there.

How to increase your sexual awareness
with Yogi.

When did he quit baseball?

No, Grady, see, this magazine is about
Cicely Tyson, and that's the kind of

Lamont likes.

You really think so? Absolutely.

You know, Fred, I saw her on... on TV,
and she was 105 years old.

Oh, you dumb. That was the role she was
playing. She must be 30 -ish.

30 -ish.

Boy, she sure let herself go.

Sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting, but
if you just step over here...

the Romeo that's looking for his Juliet?

No, I'm not a Romeo. I'm Fredio.

See, my son Lamont, he's the Romeo, and
he sent us over here because he's busy

doing brain surgery.

What age is your son?

He's, uh, excuse me a minute.

What age should I give him?

Oh, he's 32, ain't he? 32. Here.

But what if Cicely Tyson likes an older
man?

Oh, let's say he's 42.

He's 42.

Wait a minute. What if she's that kind
of chick that likes a younger man?

Oh, let's say he's 22.

He's 22.

22.

Or 32.

Or 42.

22 or 42.

Yeah, see, his mother lost his birth
certificate.

And I remember it had a 2 on it.

Why don't we just use the median?

That'll make him 32.

Now, the next question concerns his
occupation.

You did say he's a doctor. Part -time.

Part -time?

Yeah, part -time. Doctor and lawyer.

My goodness, doctor and a lawyer.

Yeah, he's an alpha -beta market.

activities. Oh, they healed up.

Does he enjoy sports?

Sports? Yes. Oh, yes, he loves tennis.

Indoor, outdoor, and polo. You know, on
the land, on the water.

However, his horse feel like swimming.

If your son had a choice, would he go to
a hockey game, a dance, or a movie?

Oh, a movie.

What type movie?

Uh, simply type, type movie. Does Lamont
feel there's too much sex in movies of

today? Well, excuse me.

Is there any sex in Sounders? No, no,
no, just a dog.

Uh, no, Lamont, uh, thinks there's too
much sex in movies and not enough dogs.

Put that down. Less sex and more dogs.

What's his reason for finding a mate?

Friendship or matrimony?

Matrimony. Followed by baby money.

Followed by real money.

Is he marriageable in the near future?

The nearer, the better.

How near?

Well, he's got a few things to take care
of, like tuxedos and a hall and a

minister. And we got to get Leo's
Barbecue to cater the reception.

How about 6 o 'clock tonight?

Here comes the bride.

Oh, here comes the bride.

I still think you should have told
Lamont about inviting that datamate lady

to dinner.

I would like to.

Hey, hey, what's the occasion?

Oh, didn't I tell you we have a surprise
guest coming to dinner tonight?

Oh, goodness, I forgot the wine.

Oh, Grady, how you forget everything?

You forgot the wine? What's wrong with
your mind?

Ask Lamont, though. He's the brain
surgeon.

On the what? Nothing, son, nothing. Come
on, Grady, let's go get the wine.

Hey, Pop, why don't you tell me who's
coming here tonight? I told you I was

surprised. If I tell you, there won't be
no surprise.

All right, all right. Now, go ahead and
clean up and wash up nice. You know what

I mean?

Put some stuff on your arm.

Hello? Hello, is that you, Lamont?

This is Miss Williams.

Who?

Miss Williams of Datamate. We just spoke
this afternoon.

We did?

I made a dinner date for you tonight
with Nora Simpson.

Say, are you sure you're Lamont?

Uh, wait a minute, lady. I think you
have... Did you say older?

Yes, and more gravely.

Uh, well, that's because this afternoon
I had a cold, but I'm fine now.

Now, what was it you were saying about
dinner?

Well, Nora won't be able to make it
until nine.

Will that be okay?

Oh, yeah. Nine o 'clock would be
perfect.

Good. She's just dying to meet you.

You two have so much in common,
especially the margarine body.

She'll be there around 9 o 'clock. Yeah,
right.

Bye. Bye -bye.

So he wants a surprise dinner, huh?

I'll give him a surprise.

Hello, Janet.

This is Lamont. Lamont Sanford. Hi,
Lamont. How are you? Fine. How are you

doing? Are you busy tonight around a
quarter past eight? No. What's up?

Because I need a little favor, and I was
wondering if you could help me out.

See, do you remember that
improvisational acting class that we

where you played the drunk?

Sure. Yeah, well, I was wondering if you
could give a little repeat performance

tonight over at my house for a little
party that my father's throwing. See,

kind of like a surprise party.

And I was wondering if you could wear
the dress that you wore that night.

Uh -huh. And get here at about 8 .15,
and everything will be perfect, okay?

when my father answers the door, tell
him that your name is Nora Simpson, and

you're my computer date. You got that?
Nora Simpson.

Okay, what time again?

About 8 .15.

Uh -huh. Okay, and everything will be
perfect. All right. Okay, bye -bye.

and I'll check on the dinner. Okay.

Chateau Nuffie de Papa.

Ohio's best.

Son, we got to get this dough figured.

Hi, I'm Nora Simpson.

Is everything all right?

I mean, I'm a little early, but I was
able to get away.

Oh, yeah, that's perfect. That means
that we'll have more time to get

acquainted. Oh, good.

Won't you come in and sit down? Oh,
thank you.

Would you like a drink, Miss... Simpson,
Nora...

One martini? Yeah.

Would you hold the olive, please?

Excuse me, miss, but I don't want to be
rude, but you're supposed to be at 8 o

'clock, and now it's 8 .10, and we
couldn't wait, so everything's gone.

So, here, take a dollar and go get you a
fat burger.

because I am a vegetarian.

Uh -oh.

Listen, that computer must have got y
'all's cards all mixed up because y 'all

were supposed to have everything in
common. Oh, I'm sure we do.

Uh -uh. You're a vegetarian and Lamont
here is a meat freak.

Well, Pop, I could always learn to be a
vegetarian.

Could you learn to be white?

Oh, sure.

And would you hold the olive?

You know what I think?

Know what?

Well, I think we're just going to hit it
off great.

One double martini. Oh, merci.

To us, Lamont.

Yeah, right.

Could I have another one, please?

Oh, sure.

I think you're cute, too. Don't you
think she's cute, Pop? I think that your

mustache is cute.

Oh, you like his mustache? Yeah.

Well, why don't you get ready to leave
and I have him shave it off and you take

it home and smoke it.

Oh, boy, I am so hungry.

Whoops.

Got to have a little fast. Yeah, let's
just come over here and sit down and

we'll have some dinner. How am I doing?
You're doing just great.

You don't want to see next Nora?

Come here, son. Help me get this stuff
out of the kitchen.

Excuse us, Nora. Just make yourself at
home.

Don't do that.

Why don't you go into the living room
and keep Nora company?

Say, listen, son. We got to get rid of
that girl. Why, Pop? She just got here.

Besides, I think she's charming.

Is some other charming luscious in the
world? Find a black one.

Pop, would you let me enjoy myself? I
mean, after all, the computer date thing

said that we were perfect. We were made
for each other. And computers don't make

mistakes. That one did.

A $7 ,000 one.

Pop, would you quit worrying?

I'm not worrying about me, son. I'm
worried about my grandbaby.

Think of it.

A mother that's a lush and a father
that's a dummy.

My grandbaby, my grandbaby will be a
lummy.

Well, that's not my fault, now is it?
Because you were the one that set this

whole thing up in the first place, Pop,
not me. Well, I was out to know that the

computer was colorblind.

It just messed up. The computer didn't
mess up. You messed up and you're going

to have to stick with it because I'm not
going to go out there and hurt that

girl's feelings.

Well, I'll go out there and let her down
easy. All right, let her down easy.

Use some tact.

I know tact.

Use some diplomacy.

I know diplomacy.

Say,

Nora? Yes, Mr. Denver? You're a drunken
lush.

I got her here under false pretension.

And you know, your happiness is more
important to me than $7 ,000.

I ain't gonna never butt in your
business again.

You sure about that?

Positive.

Everything's perfect, Janet, except
you're too late.

You said a quarter after eight. Oh, no,
you were here on time, but see, the real

Nora Simpson showed up, and she did
everything that you were supposed to do.

is she an actress, too?

No, no, she's not an actress.

Nobody could act that good.

But listen, everything worked out
perfectly, and I appreciate you coming

here, Janet. I'll call you up tomorrow
and tell you all about it. All right.

Okay? Bye.

Who was that?

Nobody, probably somebody looking for an
address.

What are you going to do about
Lushermaid here?

Don't worry about her. I'll call the cab
and pour her into it. Oh, no, that's

okay. That's okay. I can just get home.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I got my car out

there parked on the sidewalk in the
hedge.

Bye. I think I better go with her,
Father. No, son, wait a minute. That's

your responsibility.

You're not the one that went down to
date a mate. You're not the one that

all them lies.

You're not the one that started all this
here stuff.

The one that's at fault should be the
one to take her home.

Grady, take the lady home.

$4 ,571 .52 divided by 312

equals 72 .15.

Don, how much is 42 and 30?

72. Why? What are you doing? I'm just
making a little calculation here.

You know, $7 ,000 ain't much money to
sound like.

What do you mean?

Well, look here. After you paid for the
marriage and had the baby and paid meals

for the barbecue and the hall and
everything, the minister, that's $6

That don't leave me and you but $800.

What do you mean, me and you?

Us.

Us? Yeah, us.

$400 a piece.

See, so the way I figured...

You just give me my $400, then I'll save
you a lot of trouble.