Original subtitles

Let me see here. Three pitchers, two tennis rackets, four knickknacks with

knicks.

Listen, can you count to yourself?

I'm trying to read Wall Street.

You mean Sesame Street.

Hey, Pop, you could help me with this, you know. I mean, Calvin, the

accountant's going to be here any minute.

Yeah, I know I could help you, but it would be wrong.

What are you talking about?

You remember that show we saw on TV where that lady was living with the

of Japanese, Jane Goodall? I think it was called Goodall and the Family.

What about it?

Well, she tried to show how important it is for a parent to step back and let

the child do something on his own.

Yeah, well, the parent has to be standing up before he can step back.

Son, do you think I'm comfortable sitting here watching you do all the

Well, you look pretty comfortable to me.

That's because you see with your eyes and not with your brain.

See, you got 20 -20 vision and zero -zero brain.

Look, now you know and I know that the reason you're sitting there is because

you're lazy.

Yeah, think that.

That's because you have eyes that see not.

And you should trade them in on some lips that swell not.

Must be the door. Come on in. It's open, Calvin.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Well, are the books in order?

How much are you going to charge us to do taxes this year?

Oh, for you, same as last year.

Five dollars.

Plus 10 % of how much I lie about.

Hey, wait a minute. What lie?

I don't know nothing about no lie. It's not exactly a lie. It's just we found a

little deduction and it was disallowed later.

Like what?

Well, I donated my private papers to the archives of the Junk Institute of

America.

Just a second. Where is the Junk Institute of America?

You're sitting in the lobby.

Look, Calvin, there'll be no cheating, all right?

Well, in that case, I'll have to charge you ten bucks.

Five. Nine.

Five. Seven. Five. I'll tell you what. Five.

That's what I was going to tell you.

with this amount?

Ah, with these.

And see, those are expenses.

In there?

No, on here.

See, the ones in pencil, those are the business expenses, and the ones in

crayon, that's the household expenses.

Got it. And wait a minute, and here's the receipt the lady gave me from the

heart fund.

Well, there's no amount on it. I ain't giving nothing.

You can write something on it. Wait a minute. That's cheating, man.

That's not cheating. It is so. Saying that you gave money when you didn't give

anything is cheating.

What do you mean I didn't give anything?

I have a heart condition, don't I? Yeah, but that's not... All right, then. I

didn't take any money from the heart fund, did I? No, but that's... All

then. I can get $200 a year. They can give it to me. But I didn't take

so it's like handing them $200.

What made you decide on $200? Why not $1 ,000?

Why not $10 ,000? Why not write down a million?

Yeah, Calvin, put a million down there.

You put that down there and you're going to jail. Take that off, Calvin.

Hey,

Pop, you know that's wrong what you're doing there.

No, son, listen.

This is America.

This is a land of freedom and justice where a poor man has the same

as the rich to cheat on his tax.

Too much mayonnaise.

Not enough garlic.

A little garlic.

Just a little bit.

That's you, son?

Yeah, it's me, Pop.

You all right?

Why don't you come out here and see?

It sounds like you're going to throw up, and I don't want you to throw up on me.

Come back here.

Gee whiz, you here again?

Listen, why do you always hang out with him? You're going to wind up catching

yellow jaundice.

What you got, man? The Black Plague?

Hey, Pop, why don't you leave Archie alone, man? He's my friend, and he's

to help me. Well, if he's through helping, let the Chinese guy check out.

How'd you hurt your back?

You know that boiler I picked up from Dayton Scrap and Steel?

It fell off the back of the truck, and I must have strained every muscle in my

back trying to get it on there. Well, hey, man, that boiler is a two -man gig.

I'm here.

Well, Mr. Sanford, you could have been on that truck to help us. Listen, Ping

Pong.

When I want your advice, I'll give it to you.

I've been busy all day getting my dip ready.

Why don't you offer our guests some first?

We have guests?

Yes, Achoo is our guest, and why don't you try and make him feel welcome? I

will. Achoo, there's outside.

You're welcome to it.

What is it?

This is pig feet, pig snoot. See the one with the holes in it? That's snoot.

And sardines and oysters and a quart and a half of mayonnaise and just a smidgen

of garlic.

What do you call it?

The Mayo Clinic.

As long as it's his personal business, I really should split.

You should split whether it's personal, impersonal, or monkey.

Hey, man, why don't you dig yourself, huh? Nah, it's cool, Lamont.

I can take a hint.

You can take a walk.

All right, Calvin, how we doing?

Well, according to my calculations, you owe the United States government ten

bucks with or twenty bucks without.

With or without what?

Cheating. Son, we owe ten dollars.

Wait a minute. Between the two of us, we only make $7 ,000 a year. Now, how come

we owe anything at all? Well, you've got no deductions, no major expenses, and

not a penny for charity.

Charity? When you're only getting $3 ,000 a year from Social Security, it's

to be a philanthropist.

Yeah, but look, now, you only made $4 ,000 in the junk business last year and

your $3 ,000 Social Security.

Now, that's only $7 ,000.

Now, I think it'd be a good idea... If Lamont went out and got a job for six,

seven thousand and gave up the junk business.

Do you think I paid you five dollars to tell me to close down Sanford, son?

Well, you can still keep Sanford, son.

It's just a name.

Sanford and son is not a name, sir.

Sanford and son is a tradition.

It's a way of life.

It's a dynasty.

It's an empire.

You look around here, the greatest pile of junk in the world.

Get a dip and make a trip.

Must have been too much brick in it.

You know, Pop, I think Calvin's got something there. Yeah, it was just a

No, no, no, no, no. I mean about me getting a job.

You're not really going to get a job, are you? I think we should give some

serious thought to it, Pop.

Okay. We'll get some talk to him.

Well, that's enough.

Good night.

I've made up my mind, Pop. I'm going to go out and get a job and bring some more

money into this house.

We don't need no more money in this house.

All we need is to cut down on some of these luxuries.

burglar trying to break into the house. Yeah. Say, where you coming from this

hour anyway?

Getting the morning paper.

What's so important in the paper you go out for at dawn?

The one -act section, Smitty. I'm gonna get a job.

A job? You don't need no job. You already got a job.

And better than that, you got a title. Some title. Uh, just what is your title,

Lamont? VP.

Very poor.

You are not. You're vice president of Sanford and Son.

If that ain't good enough, you can be president.

Really?

I'll move up to king.

Thanks a lot, Your Majesty, but I think I'll take a job where they give out

money, not titles.

You guys want some coffee? Oh, yeah.

That's a great idea.

Always like a nice cup of joe in the morning, get the cobwebs out between my

toes.

You know, if I could interject here,

that I can speak for Smitty and possibly for myself when I say that we would be

mighty proud to have you with us as a brother on the force.

I'd rather have him with me as a son on the truck.

Say, Smitty, how much does a policeman make a year?

Around $11 ,000. Plus you get a pension, too, right? Right.

Yeah, and the opportunity to retire early with the bullet in the lung of

choice.

I had to skip the coffee. Come on now, Javi. We got to get going. Oh, yeah.

Listen, Lamonta, good luck, and whenever you do, you just hang out there.

Hang in there. Oh, yeah, yeah. You hang in there.

Hang in there, nephew.

Brother! Brother. Yeah, yeah.

Hey,

you're not looking like God, by the way, sir. I certainly am. Just about

everything in here is... $500 a month. That's $6 ,000 a year.

Is something in there for you?

Sure is. Look at this.

I ain't got my glasses.

Yeah. There's something for you right here.

Want it.

Dummy. $6 ,000 a year.

Howdy, Fred.

You know, Calvin, you ought to go try to find...

Fine achievement.

Because you ain't got no trade in.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with my brains.

It's you that's not thinking right. Sitting around here moping all day long

you should be happy you're retired.

Yeah, but at least then I knew outside I had an empire.

And I ain't got nothing but a clearance sale sign.

Oh, you got a son who's very happy making $6 ,000 a year. That's what you

He ain't happy.

Oh, he says he's happy.

Well, he ain't.

Why not?

Because... Because you got a father that is a failure.

Oh, Bull, how can you call yourself a failure? You got... You got...

You got a point there, Fred.

I really can't understand it. No, none at all.

Wait! We might not have any now, but we can always order some.

Lamont is a nice young man, but he's new and he probably doesn't know where

things are.

If we don't have it, I'll promise you I'll get it. We can always get it,

Now, what was it we haven't had?

Rain.

Shirt can come into the back. I'll put them on the shelf.

I see I ain't gonna have this job long.

Hello, dummy.

Say, pardon me, miss.

You work here?

birthday present for my husband.

Why don't you get a face mask?

I think you know one of those masks, you

know, like you wear to bed.

Oh, I never thought of that.

Oh, you must have.

That's a big thing now. You can get the pajamas and the mask and, you know, if

you got a water bed, you can get some flippers.

My husband and I sleep in a regular bed.

You and your husband sleep together?

For 28 years.

Well, then forget the robe. Get him some bifocals.

Now, this looks like a nice robe.

You look about his size. Would you mind trying it on to give me some idea?

I can give you some idea without trying it on. Oh, is that right?

Yeah, now, you want to please your husband, don't you? Yes.

Well, you know them mud packs that women put on so they can look pretty? Yeah.

Well, take yours off.

Well, I never.

Maybe that's the reason.

May I help you, sir?

No, I know how to feel ties.

They're not supposed to be felt.

I know they're not felt, they're silk.

I've felt silk and I've felt felt. I've felt more silk and I've felt felt.

Do you wish to purchase one?

Are you the owner?

Yes, I am.

Then I do not wish to purchase one. Well, then I wish to purchase ten.

Oh, ten?

Yeah.

Well, I'll be happy to sell you ten.

You can't sell me nothing.

See, I heard about a salesman that you have here in your haberdashery.

And I'll only let him sell me some haberdash.

Haberdash? It's a haberdash, ain't it?

Well, yes, yes, yes. Well, I want to buy two, three hundred dollars worth of

haberdash. Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeed.

What was the salesman's name?

I think his name was Lamont Stanford.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.

It's Stanford.

Helmut Stanton.

No, no, it's Lamont.

Lamont. Lamont. Sanford. Sanford. Lamont. Sanford. Yeah.

What are you doing here, Pop?

Pop? Yes, Gerhard Popwell.

Everybody call me Pop the Shark.

And listen, I got some money to spend if you'll send me some things.

Well, Lamont, take care of the gentleman. Show him all of our

Our what?

Haberdash. This is a haberdashery, isn't it? Show him our haberdashery. Yeah,

right.

Hey, Pop, what are you doing here?

I just came down here to pat you on the back and tell you how proud I am of you.

For crying out loud. Yes, I'll take several of these and I like your shirt.

got black on black?

Oh, we could order some of mine.

No, I wanted to wear it tonight.

And please, don't butt in.

The sweaters are right over here. Thank you.

Hey, couldn't you wait until I got home? Yeah, but listen, son, I figured I'd

make you look good if I'd come down here and bought $200 worth of stuff.

Where did you get $200 from?

The bank.

Listen, do you have anything in cashmere undergarments?

Uh, no, but can I interest you in a silk boxer?

No, I got a Doberman.

Hey, Pop, what'd you take?

Take the money out of the bank for it. That's all the money we got in the

I wanted you to get credit for a big sale.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Then in a couple of weeks, Calvin can bring this stuff back and then you can

give him the money for the refund.

We don't give refunds. And then that way we'll look good.

I'm partial to blue.

Certainly, sir.

We don't give refunds. I've never been insulted like that in my whole life.

What happened? Don't listen to him. He's new. He doesn't know anything. He's a

little bit stupid.

I'll wait on you.

Lamont, back to the boxes.

Now, what can I show you?

I'd like to see something in black.

Your eyes.

Hey, son. I don't want to hear about it. But let me explain to you.

want to hear about it and you didn't have to go back in that store and knock

over that tie rack but he called you and i know what he called me you didn't

have to go back in there and put up that clearance sale sign either you find

another job nothing in here that i want i want something that says partner boss

everything in here says employee i'm too old to work my way up from the bottom i

think i'll just stay here and be the president of stanford and son

You mean that? Of course I do, man. And I'm going to start working harder at

making the business better. Now, there's no reason that we can't double our

income if we both pitch in.

Yeah, instead of making $3 ,000 a year, we make $6 ,000 a year. Right.

Yeah, see, all you got to do is go to work earlier and work later.

Right. And that way, you can pick up twice as much junk. You got it.

Yeah, and then you can stay up more Sundays and sell. Wait a minute, wait a

minute, wait a minute. What are you going to be doing when I'm doing all the

work? I'll be asleep.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Wait a minute. When I'm taking a shorter

lunch period and working on Sundays, what are you going to be doing?

I'll be doing like any president.

I'll be running my operation from my Oval Office.

Yeah, but I thought you said that I could be president.

I lied.

I've lied before.

You told me you were going to stand here and admit to me that you lied?

No, it's not. See, when a president lies, it's not called a lie.

It's called executive privilege.

Hey, Pop, what are you doing down here in the middle of the night?

Son, I couldn't sleep. You know, I was thinking about what you said about me

doing my share.

And I'm going to do something about it.

I'm going to bring some big money in this house.

Hey, I think that's great, Pop. Why don't you go back to bed now so you'll

able to work with me on the truck tomorrow?

I ain't talking about working on no truck.

I'm talking about big money.

Real big money.

I should have thought about it a long time ago.

I'm going to write a book about my life.

write a lot of books and stuff about stuff they did and make a fortune.

You mean to tell me you think people are going to pay their hard -earned cash to

read about the memoirs of Fred Sanford?

I'm not going to call it that.

I got some tricky names that I'm going to put in there.

Want to hear them? No.

How about The Junctuses?

after you.

The day of the jackass.