Original subtitles

Oh, Lamont, so this is home, sweet home.

Yeah, it's kind of a house and a business all rolled into one. It has a

air about it, you know.

Yeah, well, we spray it down every day.

Lamont, you've been at this a long time, haven't you?

Oh, yeah, I've been going out with girls ever since I was eight.

Oh, silly, I'm in the junk business.

Oh, yeah, well, we've been in the business a long time, even before I was

but, uh... Hey, let's not talk about that now. Let's talk about us.

You know, I can tell a lot about a man just seeing where he lives.

Now, don't go jumping to no hasty judgments.

No, you know, the first time you came in the coffee shop and I waited on you, I

could tell.

You could? Sugar, I sure like the way you ordered.

Very decisive, like you knew what you wanted.

Yeah, I wanted a fat burger.

And now I want you, you little onion ring.

that you were sweet.

Keep going.

And sensitive.

Keep going.

And masculine.

Keep going. And ready to settle down.

Stop.

Why? What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.

It's just that, uh, I didn't know you could tell that much about somebody just

ordering a fat burger.

Oh, sure. You can't fool me, Lamont. You know, there are a lot of guys who are

just out for a little fun, you know.

Right. I'm out for a lot of fun.

and a lot of fun.

But sometimes a girl has to think about her future.

Don't you ever think about getting married?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

Uh, because I ain't getting any younger, you know. It's just that, uh, marriage

is impossible.

Why? What's stopping you?

My father. Your father? Yeah, my father doesn't think there's any woman in the

world good enough for his only son.

Hey, but let's not talk about that now.

Sit on down here.

I sure would like to meet your father.

Uh, well, I'm afraid that's impossible. See, he's in St. Louis, and ain't no

telling when he'll be, you know, coming back.

If he's in St. Louis, he can't stop us from getting married.

True, true, but there's somebody else that can.

Who? My godfather. Your what? My godfather, yes. See, he's standing here

while my pop's away, and he's a bigger tyrant than my pop.

Why, if he knew that I was even thinking about getting married, he'd cut me out

of his will, kick me out of the house, and beat the hell out of me.

So, in the meantime, why don't we just have some fun, you little Barbie doll?

Wait, wait a minute, Lamont. Now, you know what you said about not getting any

younger? Yeah. I ain't getting any younger.

I ain't getting no lovin'. I ain't getting no sleep.

Uh, good googly goop, do you know what time it is?

Uh, Judy, uh, this is Grady Wilson, the man I was telling you about.

Hi, Godfather.

What's she call me?

Godfather. You know, you're my Godfather. You're taking care of me

gone. Right, Godfather?

What's wrong with your eyes? She been poking at it?

Oh, Grady, look here, man. Why don't you go back upstairs and go to bed?

Oh, if I went up there and went to bed now, I would just lay there and stare at

the ceiling.

Well, why don't you try shutting your eyes?

If I set my eyes, I couldn't see the ceiling.

And besides, I'm not sleepy now, so you two just go on with whatever you were

doing, and I'll just sit here and look at the little television.

Hey, Grady, Judy and I got things to talk about, man, privately.

Oh, well, you can talk private around me.

Mr. Wilson, we were talking about getting married.

Oh? All right. Yeah, and I was just telling Judy how much you and Pop were

against it. Not just for me, but that you and him would never, ever get

Oh, no, he ain't my type.

Well, good night, Grady. You better get some sleep. You know, you got a lot of

work to do around here tomorrow.

What kind of work do you do around here, Mr. Wilson?

What kind of work do I do? I do everything that I was put in charge of

around here. You know... cooking, sewing, cleaning, that name is. Do you

what you're missing around here? A woman's touch, right?

Well, that depends if her hands ain't too cold.

I got another one off.

Good night, Grady.

But wouldn't it be nice to have a woman to do all those things?

Oh, yeah, but where are you going to find a woman like that?

Oh, they're around. You know what they say. For every man, there's a woman, and

for every woman, there's a man.

Not at the bars I go to.

Well, good night, Grady.

Hey, baby, is it all right if he gets some sleep now? Well, I was just trying

get acquainted with your godfather. Yeah, but the man is tired. You can tell

that by looking at him.

Yeah, well, good night now.

I was only trying to get acquainted, but I... Say,

what did you two say you were going to do while I was upstairs?

We're just going to sit here and talk.

You said that's all you were going to do. Now just talk. Just talk.

Oh, okay.

Good night, Grady. Okay, I'm going, I'm going, but let's make sure you just

talk. That's all I want you to do down here.

Talk. T -A -L -K.

You see what I mean?

The man won't let me out of his sight for two minutes.

Mm -hmm, yeah, I see.

But, Lamont, why don't you leave him to me?

Yeah, we do have a lot of lost time to make up for. I mean, that old dude

ruined our entire evening. Mm -mm, not really.

Now that all the interruption's out of the way.

Where were we, you little fag, Newton?

I don't hear you two talking down here.

Well, now, let's see. What would it be?

Beans and beef.

Beans and pork.

Beans and franks.

Beans and beans.

Yeah, beans and beans.

Okay, okay, all righty.

Beans and beans.

That's what it is.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit.

Oh,

hi there.

Judy. Yeah, Lamont's not here, but he should be back in a couple of hours.

Oh, that's all right. I'm not just here to see Lamont.

I'm here to see you, too.

Me?

Wait a minute. How come you want to see me?

What are you doing, collecting for something?

What do you have in that box? Girl Scout cookies?

It's your supper, and I cooked it for you, sugar. I made you braised smoked

butt with mashed potatoes and Brussels sprouts. And for dessert, are you ready?

Pineapple.

I was able to do it. You know, when you told me how hard you worked around here,

I figured it was the least that I could do.

Wow, that was really very nice of you. I was just getting ready to open up a can

or something, but I still don't understand.

Now, how come you did all of this?

Well, I like Lamont, but I like you, too.

And I like smoked pork, boy.

Well, all right.

Now, why don't you let me get everything ready for when Lamont comes home,

Give me this apron.

I want you to relax.

That was really nice of you to go ahead and do all of that.

Oh, shoot, I enjoy it. It is good training for me. Now, why don't you go

front in the living room and have a rest? Or if you like, go upstairs and

nice warm bath.

What do you think I need worse, the rest or the bath?

Oh, whatever you like.

But you just go out there and let me take care of everything.

Okay. Just one thing.

Can I have another whiff of that smoked pork butt?

Smoked pork butt.

Would you like to have a little wine with your smoked pork butt?

That would be fun.

I won't tell you that I... Hey, Grady.

Hey, man, are you drinking my wine again?

No, I haven't touched any of it yet.

I'll bet you did.

No, I haven't, honest.

Do you want to smell my breath?

Please.

Say, what are you doing home so early for anyway?

Well, Julio asked me to go bowling with him, and I told him I would. I'll see

you later, Grady. Well, wait a minute.

Uh, aren't you going to eat any supper?

No, I'll grab a chili dog down at the bowling alley. Yeah, well, she's going

be awful disappointed.

She who?

Hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Judy. What you doing here?

Uh, she cooked our supper for us.

Go ahead, show them your smoked pork butt.

Uh, how come you cooked supper?

Oh, because I wanted to.

Yeah, that was real nice of you and everything, but see, I made other plans

the evening. I guess Grady will have to eat alone.

Grady don't have to eat alone.

Grady don't have to eat alone.

Not as long as I'm here. But it's not necessary.

Hush, Lamont.

Shut up, Lamont.

Mr. Wilson, would you run on out to the kitchen to think anything funny? Well,

if you want me to run, I'll run.

I thought you said he was rough.

I told you to leave him to me.

If he's the only thing standing in our way, I can see it now.

You can see what now? A charge plate that says Mrs.

Lamont Sanford. Maybe I better stay here after all. Oh, no, sugar. You just go

on out and enjoy your bowl of nice.

Bye.

It's not going to work, Judy.

That's what you think.

Everything is fine out in the kitchen.

Good.

Are we going to have our smoked pork butt now?

First, we're going to sit down here and have a nice little talk. I want you to

get nice and comfortable.

You comfy now?

Yeah, I'm comfy. I'm hungry, too.

Say, that was really nice of you to take off in the evening to spend with an old

man. You want to know something?

I like older men.

You do?

Mm -hmm. They're so much more refined and experienced and wise.

They are?

Can I call you Daddy Grady?

Yeah, you can call me Granny or Daddy or just anything.

I want you to stop calling yourself an old man.

You're not such an old man.

I'm not?

Come on, Daddy. You still got it.

Now, I'm going to get you a supper.

Oh, Lord.

what to do with it.

Dear Abby, I am 65 years old, but I think I've still got

it.

I must still have it because my best friend's son's girl has gone and fallen

love with me.

Now here is what happened.

The other night, she came over with a smoke Talk butt.

All right.

Oh.

All right. All right.

Wow. Now, how in the world could that have happened to me in the first place?

I don't know how we did it.

Oh, hi there.

Julio. Yeah.

Right, right. I just came over to see Lamont. Is he here?

No, but he should be back pretty soon.

Okay, well, I'll come back later. Oh, wait a minute. Don't go yet.

Can I talk to you, Olio?

Julio. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Come on, I just got to talk to somebody. Sure, man.

Have a seat over here. Thanks. That's something I got to tell you. What is it?

Now, here it is.

Do you think I've got it?

How should I know, man? I ain't no doctor.

Now, see, I have a problem. Now, here's what happened.

Lamont brought this pretty young girl around, and she fell in love with me.

She fell in love with you?

And she's young and pretty, huh?

Beautiful. Is she local?

Yeah, sure. She's from right around here.

You know, how you say, trastornada, como se dice, got a screwdriver loose, you

know what I mean?

Oh, no, no, no. She don't have none of that.

No, it's just that she likes older men.

Ah, she likes older men.

Claro, pues ya lo sabía. Tenía que hacer algo así. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I begin to understand.

You do?

Yeah. You ask me if you got it.

You got it. And she wants it.

What?

Your social security.

No. She don't want that.

Well, then she's crazy.

No, she's not that either.

Oh, wait now, man. I'm going to tell you something. A woman wants either of two

things. Either your money or your body. And you ain't got neither one.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute.

Tell me what I should do. Do you think I should tell Lamont?

Sure. Tell him. Yeah.

And then act like a gentleman and show him that you are and step aside.

Show him?

What is he going to do?

Hey, what's happening, who?

Hey. I was wondering if you want to play some bowling again tonight, huh? You

are. Great. I'll pick you up later, bro. Okay, bro.

So long, Mr. Grady. Nice talking to you. Yeah, goodbye. And thanks a lot, Holy

Mo.

Julio. Julio.

What's for lunch, man? I'm starving. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Can I talk to

you before we eat?

Sure. What's the matter? You got a problem? Yeah.

I got a problem.

What is it? Tell me.

Now, you know, this is not going to be easy, so have a little patience.

Can you?

Okay. I'm going to tell you this the best way that I can.

Go ahead.

You know, I'd really rather not tell you this, but here it is.

Shoot.

I can't do it. Would you tell me already?

Okay. All right. Wait a minute now.

Did you ever see a movie called Mildred Pierce with Joan Crawford?

What's a movie got to do with this?

Well, you'll see. I mean, now sit down.

Get yourself together, and let me tell you all about it. Now, see, here's what

happened. In this movie, Joan Crawford marries Zachary Scott.

Because he has this nice little smile and this great big car.

And she also has a daughter, Anne Blythe.

Now, after they get married, Joan Crawford's husband, Zachary Scott,

fooling around with her daughter, Anne Blythe.

That's it.

That's what?

That's what you wanted to tell me? That's the problem?

Well, no. You see, that was the example.

You see, your girlfriend Judy is Zachary Scott, and you're Joan Crawford, and

I'm Anne Blank.

Well, I'm glad I got that one out. I feel a whole lot better now.

So would you like to have a little lunch now? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait

a minute. Wait a minute. Now, would you mind telling me what this is all about?

I just told you. You told me about Mildred Pierce. Now I want to know about

Grady Wilson.

Well, you couldn't figure that out.

Figure it out, Grady? I don't even know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about your girlfriend, Judy.

She's got her sights set on me.

She told me that I've still got it.

And she likes older men.

She told you that, huh?

Yeah. You see, when she came over the other night, And she must have known

you were going out. And that's why she fixed supper, so that she could be alone

with me.

So that's a little game plan, huh?

Well, I should have known better than to leave a girlfriend of mine alone with

you, Grady Wilson.

Well, you're not mad that I told you, are you? No, Grady, if it was anybody

else, I'd think she was just using you to get to me.

But being that it's you, and you still got it.

She's all yours, brother.

No, no, wait a minute. I couldn't do that. Take my best friend's only son's

away. Hey, don't you see, Grady? She prefers you to me, man.

Look, I told her you were my godfather. Now, to her, you're a godfather image.

To her, you're Marlon Brando.

Oh, I know that.

But you see, I'm stepping aside.

Did you ever see a movie called Casablanca with Humphrey Bogart? This is

example. Well, yeah, I mean, but this is a much better one.

I mean, now listen to this. Now, see, in this one, I'll be Humphrey Bogart, and

you'll be Paul Henry.

And I'll step aside so you can walk away in the fog with Ingrid Bergman.

I can't allow you to do that, Grady.

Now, wait a minute. What do you mean? I mean, I just think that's the best

thing. We've got to do it that way.

Besides... I'm almost 40 years older than she is. Just think of that, 40

older. And by the time she's 50, I'll be 90, and who knows if I'll still have

it.

The fact is, Grady, I don't want her.

You don't? No.

I don't want to reject her.

Well, you don't want her, and I don't want her. Seems that way.

Oh, gee, I feel sorry for her.

Yeah, me too. Losing one of us was bad enough, but... Losing both?

Do you think that he might do something silly, like

jump off a bridge?

Oh, I hope not.

Maybe she'll run away and join the Wax.

Maybe. But there's one thing we gotta do, Grady.

We gotta tell her. Yeah.

We owe it to her to tell her. We owe her that.

If that's her now, we'll tell her.

Hi, Lamont.

Hi, Judy.

Hi, Grady.

Have you had your lunch yet? I've got your Vienna franks and tomato sauce.

You want a smell?

No, thanks. I have a cold.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Judy, before you go into the kitchen, I want to talk at you for a minute. Just

give me the part. Come over here for a minute. Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable. I'll just put this over here.

Uh, Judy, there's something I think you should know.

Tell her, Grady.

Me?

No, you tell her. No, I think you should tell her. Somebody tell me. Well, okay,

I'll tell her.

Here, Judy, did you ever see a movie called Lawrence of Arabia? Would you

with the movies and tell Lawrence?

Okay.

Right.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Judy, there's good news and there's bad news.

First, the good news.

Lamar is willing to step aside so that I can marry you.

And now the bad news.

I can't marry you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's true. You see, his father, when he left, he put me in charge.

And he told me to look out after his only son. Now, if I would leave and go

to get married now, I would be breaking my promise to his father, you see. So

this is really a bad time for me to get married.

And it's a bad time for me to get married because it would mean I'd have

Grady out on the street and Papa would never forgive me for that.

Right. So, see, actually, it's a bad time for either one of us to get

Either one of us. You know, maybe it's your sign. Are you Scorpio?

And you were young, fool, and if the two of you are happy together here, you can

stay here for all I care.

Well, wait a minute. Don't you want your Vienna stripes and tomato socks?

No. You can have them.

my stuff on.

And my other stuff, too.

Well, I hope you don't mind me borrowing your mocked -down jacket that you got

at Phil's Fashion Box.

I hope you don't mind me asking you why you're wearing it.

Oh, well, you see, after that little experience you had with your girlfriend

Judy, it made me realize that I've still got it.

And if I've still got it, I think I ought to flaunt it.

So what you going to do, just flaunting around the house in front of me?

Oh, no, I've invited a lady friend around.

And you're going out? I mean, I hope you're not going to sit around here and

just watch us.

Grady, that's one sight I don't care to watch.

Hey, man, you know, but I thought of something funny. What if your girl falls

for me? Then we'd have the same situation all over again.

Oh, Lord, I hope not.

I don't figure that out.

Oh, hi there.

This is the living room.

And this is the sofa.

This is my godson.

He's cute.

And this is the way out.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.