Original subtitles

Grady!

Grady!

Grady!

Oh, hey, good goobly -woo. What happened to you?

Well, I fell off the back of the truck.

Well, how did you do a dumb thing like that?

Well, the tailgate on the truck is broken and I fell off.

Well, it's a good thing you didn't break your tailgate.

Oh, look, I don't want to talk about it. And why don't you slow down before you

wear yourself out?

Well, I'm not going to wear my stuff out. My tailgate is fastened.

And besides, I got to get this house clean.

With your father still away in St. Louis, I have to take charge of things

like he said.

And he said, Grady, keep it clean.

And I got to get it clean before I can keep it clean.

And anyway.

Why don't you go in the kitchen and eat the lunch that I fixed for you? You

fixed me lunch?

Well, sure I did.

Fred put me in charge, and one of the things he said was, be sure and fix

lunch, whatever you do.

He's my one and only son, so be sure and fix him lunch.

Did Pop really say that?

Well, actually, what he said was, fix the dummy his lunch or he'll get mad.

It's in the refrigerator.

It's peanut butter and sardine on Jewish rye with a touch of mayonnaise.

Do you think you can handle peanut butter and sardine on Jewish rye with

mayonnaise with that one arm?

the state of Missouri.

Yeah. Well, what can I do for you, Chester?

Esther. Oh.

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Well, with Fred gone, I'd like to bring my Bible group over here for a meeting.

Well, why do you want to bring them over here?

I have to.

I usually meet in places that have been condemned.

Oh, gee whiz, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yes, we all were, especially Sister Hannah.

She was the one who fell through the floor.

Fell through the floor?

I sure hope she wasn't hurt too bad.

No, she busted her hip.

Lucky for her, she got a lot of hip.

But the poor thing is walking crooked like this.

since that heatheness Fred isn't here.

Oh, well, you see, I'm afraid you can't have your Bible meetings here.

What? Why not?

Well, when Fred left, he put me in charge.

And he said if you were to come over here asking about having a Bible

that I was to say no.

So I'm saying no.

Look, sucker.

The Lord sent this heavenly opportunity to... Put some wholeness into this

house. That's why he sent Fred to St. Louis.

And the Lord is telling me to get the show on the road.

Well, I don't know what the Lord said, but Fred said no Bible meetings.

And since I'm in charge, I'm saying no Bible meetings.

You know what you're doing?

You're doing the devil's work and interfering with God's mission.

You just like that. heathen friend you are unholy sinner and a heathenish foul

philistine sticks and stones can break my bones

but names will never hurt me okay i'll get some sticks and stones

to strike a woman but if I'm forced to defend myself I will and let the chips

fall where they may

foot in your Arnesta.

Now, wait a minute, Arnesta.

and she can have a Bible meeting here if she wants to.

Oh, no, she can't. Bible meetings are a no -no.

Says who?

Your father said so, and your father left me in charge.

Grady, you know, I think you're beginning to take your duties a little

seriously, man. I guess next, you'll be telling me that I can't have no company.

Well, that depends on what kind of company we're talking about.

Well, it just so happens that Rolo...

ladies over here and we're gonna have a party tonight with a broken arm grady

when you've got it you've got it one arm or two

well that too is a no -no

no bible meetings and no orgies one

arm or two hey look man you can't tell me what to do in my own house

oath to your father to protect this house, and I vow to take care of it with

life if necessary.

I'll show you what I'm going to do. You think I'm kidding around here, but I'm

very serious about taking care of things.

What are you doing with a rifle?

I'm going to protect my best friend's property. That's what I'm doing with it.

With an empty rifle?

Does that look like a styptic pencil to you?

thing away before somebody gets hurt i just want my friend to know that the man

he left behind is in complete control yeah well if you sit down too hard with

that bullet in your pocket the man he left won't have her behind and

i just want you to know that i'm in charge here which means nobody

I'd like this to be quiet and hold it down. I mean, it's against their nature.

I mean, these are two live wires with no insulation.

But look, now, I already told you there's an old dude standing there

friend of my old man's. And he thinks he's Napoleon.

Now, he's upstairs sleeping out. Everything will be everything as long as

quiet.

What's the matter?

That old fool unlocked the door and I ain't got no key.

What are we going to do?

There's a window by the landing that's always open, see? And I crawl through

there and let us in.

Hey, you want me to do a potty? You know I'm good at that.

No, Rallo, you stay here and look after the women. Well, can you handle it with

that one on? Hey, bro, I got it.

It don't care what I'm going to do. That dude is more weird than you.

Yeah, he sure is a weird one.

Halt!

Shoot, it's me, Grady.

Your name ain't Grady. That's my name.

It's me, Lamont.

Prove it.

What do you mean, prove it? Can't you tell by the sound of my voice?

You can disguise your voice.

Burglars do that, you know.

What's your father's name?

Grady, that's not your father's name.

What's your father's name?

His name is Fred.

All right? Now I'm going to turn on the lights so you can see who it is.

Not only did you lock me out of my own house, but you almost shot me. Man, you

crazy. You know that? You ought to call you crazy, Grady.

Now, look here. Why don't you go on upstairs and go back to bed and stay

Oh, I'm not sleepy.

I think I'm going to look at the little television.

Hey, Grady, you can't be serious, man. You don't want to watch no television

now. I'm going to watch Louise Beavis on The Late Late Show.

Would you like to join me?

Every time I try to do something, you know, you always mess up everything.

Hey,

what happened, man? What's going on in there?

That old fool woke up and almost shot me.

Hey,

look here, brother. Why don't we go to your crib?

No, man. I told you that place is too small.

Let's go, hon.

Tomorrow night?

Hey, Ronald, let's make it a definite for tomorrow night, bro. I'm sure I can

get the credit tomorrow night. So what you gonna do, pause in your babysitter?

No, man, I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna have it out with Grady once and

all, man. He can't get away with this stuff in my house.

Hey, well, it's on you, partner.

Good luck.

this morning.

You're not mad at me, are you?

Mad? Why should I be mad?

Oh, I thought you were mad last night when you locked yourself in your room

I heard that pounding on the wall.

You weren't doing that with your head, were you?

No, Grady, I must admit, though, I was a little put out last night.

Oh, and then I heard you slamming things in the bathroom.

You cracked the toilet seats, you know.

And all with one arm.

Yeah, I know, Grady. Like I said, I was a little put out.

Yeah, well, I was just doing what I promised your father that I would do

he was away. Hey, I realized that, Grady, and I was mad last night, but now

fine, man. And you know what else?

No, what?

Well, I did what I do whenever Pop and I have a little misunderstanding.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Well, whenever we have an argument, the next day we both go out and do something

nice for each other.

You do?

Yeah, and being as that, well, you know, sort of filling in for my Pop.

I figured I'd extend that same courtesy to you. So I went out and I did

something nice for you.

You did something nice for me.

What are you doing, Grady?

I can't help it.

Just the thought of you doing something nice for me.

And I didn't do anything nice for you.

Stop, Grady. Don't do that. You did something nice for me.

Sure, you're doing it right now. You set the table.

Is that nice? Of course that's nice. That means that you cooked me supper.

Oh, well, I promised your father that I would fix supper for you.

He told me that you were his one and only son. I know that, Grady. Grady, I

that. And I appreciate it, too, man. And there's nothing I like better than

coming home to a nice hot supper. So you see, you did something for me nice

after all. Well, I hope you like it. I love it. What is it?

It's, uh, codfish cakes and okra.

Well, it smells delicious, Grady, but, um, I'm not hungry right now. I'll eat

later. Oh, yeah, you can eat it later. You can eat okra when it gets cold.

It's not as slimy then.

Yeah, that was a real nice thing you did for me, Grady. Now, would you like to

know the nice thing I did for you?

Something... Please don't do that, Grady. You gonna blow... something out

head that you need.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, what's the nice thing you did for me? Okay, you ready?

Now, I had to pull a few strings and I had to pay a little money, but I got it

for you.

What is it?

Grady, I got you a ticket to that new skin flick down at the Yellow Pussycat

Theater. The marquee said that the movie's red hot and sizzling.

Oh, wow.

There you go.

What's it about?

Well, the name of the movie is Deep Threat.

And it's about this group of underground invaders that tunnel their way into

this peaceful nudist camp and threaten them.

Go ahead.

Yeah, okay. See, wow.

Say, do they actually go in a nudist colony and do all...

Everything, Grady. You see everybody and everything.

Now go ahead and enjoy yourself.

Yeah. Oh, see.

Yeah, you'll have fun at that movie. Yeah, I sure will.

See, look, you sure you don't want me to stay here and serve supper for you? I

mean, I promised you. Oh, no, Grady. Look, I feel tired. I'm going to turn in

early anyway, so you just go and have a nice time here. Okay. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah.

Say, what did you say the name of that movie was?

Uh, Deep Threat.

Oh, who's in it? Well, I'm not exactly sure, see, because it's a Japanese

but I think the leading lady's name is Linda Lavasato.

And look here, you better hurry up before you miss the opening, because you

don't want to miss the opening. In the opening, Linda...

for me. I know that Cotswold Cakes and Okra is not as nice as a nudie movie,

I tried.

Yeah, you certainly did, Grady, and I appreciate it, partner. Now, you just go

ahead and have fun with that movie, man.

Okay. All right.

Okay, Grady. Yeah, take care of that arm. I will. And lock the door. Okay,

have fun, here. All right.

All right.

Okay, brother.

Hey,

how long have we got, man?

I mean, how long is it going to be before that old dude show back from the

flick? Hey, Rallo, that's one old dude that we ain't going to have to worry

about this evening.

But he's coming back here as soon as it's over.

He's coming back, but he ain't getting in.

I changed a lot on the door, and he don't have no key.

Relatively speaking.

Who is that?

I don't know.

And now, I'm ready to wrestle in my castle.

Come on, ladies. Don't be so slow.

Come on, castles back home.

Just what made you change your mind about letting us hold our meeting in

house?

Well, you see, I was watching Reverend Ike on television tonight.

And he said, is your house free from sin?

And I say, hell no.

I'll run right over there to get you.

Good. We can fill it with enough wholeness that it might even rub off on

when he gets back.

Amen. Yeah, yeah. Praise his holy name.

Now, y 'all just hang on here, and I'll open the door, and we'll have a real

Cracker Jack Bible meeting.

Praise the Lord.

Yes, sir.

I forgot my key.

Look, sucker, find a way to get in there. We ain't holding no Bible reading

the junkyard.

What do you think we are, pagans? Yeah. No, we're going to have a Bible reading

and prayer. All right, now, there's a window around there on the landing

not locked.

Climb up there and shin it through and open the door.

Oh, well, you see, I can't do that because I got this sciatica and I can't

over. So maybe you ought to go around there and do it.

You want me to climb through a window?

Well, yeah.

We got to get in there some kind of way, and you're the only one that can do it.

Now, come on. I'll hold the ladder while you climb through.

Oh, no, you don't.

Ain't no man that I'm not married to going to be holding no ladder that I'll

climbing through.

She's telling you right, right.

No, don't do it. Well, I won't peek.

I know you ain't going to peek, because if I thought you was, I'd bust you out.

Okay, that's all right. I'll just wait right over here by the truck, and you go

around there and just take care of things.

Watch him, ladies. If he sneaks around back to watch me go up that ladder,

his head until it unscrews.

happening? Shame, shame, shame.

Honesta, how did you get in here?

Sodom and Gomorrah.

This house corrupted even my favorite nephew and broke his arm, Jesus.

Lamont, I'm ashamed of you.

That old fool Grady was right.

Such wickedness I'd never seen in my life.

Honesta, all we was doing was having a little fun.

Never mind.

Oh, you are. I can tell.

Are you mad enough to do something nice for me again?

No. Wait, you know, I was only doing what I promised your father that I would

while he's away.

Yeah, you didn't promise my father that you'd go waving and pointing that rifle

around at people. You know, that's dangerous, Grady. Somebody could have

hurt. Oh, no, it couldn't have gone off last night because I didn't put the

bullet in, see?

Grady, would you put that away once and for all? See?

What I'm trying to say is that rifles aren't dangerous, it's bullets that are

dangerous. But you can sure scare a lot of people with an empty rifle. You just

walk around in.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.