Original subtitles

Well, come on in if you're coming.

Lord Reverend Trimble sure knows how to preach a funeral.

If it's one thing I love, it's a well -preached funeral.

Over here.

Yes, you would love a funeral. That's just your speed.

Amen. You got to give Craig to Ruth Ann. She sure put Junior Cooper away in

style. It was the kind of funeral you see advertised in the Mortician's

What do you know about the mortician's digest?

She posed for the semaphore.

Hey, listen. Let's talk about something else.

Poor Junior.

I can't get over how he went so fast.

Just up and died out of the clear blue sky.

And for no particular reason.

Hey, listen, maybe y 'all didn't hear me. I say let's talk about something

cheerful. We just can't sit around like nothing happened.

Junior Cooper was our friend, and I feel a loss.

I do, too. I feel a loss more than all of you. He died owing me $9 .47.

Say, anybody know where Junior died of? Nobody knows. He was always sort of a

hypochondriac.

It's never for ladies.

Say, how you supposed to take care of your little... I tell you the way I take

care of mine.

I flour it and fry it, then smother it in onion.

I've been having trouble hearing out of my left ear.

I wonder what that's a sign of.

That's a sign of earwax, Bubba.

And I suggest you use Q -tips.

See, listen, I don't want to hear no more about dying and sickness.

I'm going to have me a glass of Ripple.

Like this?

Give me another one of them, Greg.

I can't understand how come it's always the good people that have to go. And

it's a tender age of 64.

Two years younger than you, Fred.

Didn't nobody ask you how old a man was.

Let's talk about something else. Yeah, you all need to talk about something

else. You're just depressing yourselves.

If you did something meaningful with your lives, you wouldn't have time to

around here and worry about dying.

Meaningful like what? Like work.

Work? That's right.

That'll kill you.

That's right. This good friend of mine, Willie Ross. Willie Ross? Yeah.

Worked himself to death.

He was mixing some cement and he had a heart attack and died.

He fell right into the bucket and the cement hardened and they had to chip it

away before they could bury him.

It was just his time to go.

The Lord put him here to lay cement.

And when the Lord figured his cement laying days was over, he called him

The Lord could have gave him a break and let him live a little bit longer, get

some of that Social Security money.

Fred Sanford.

And I'm not going to be guilty by association.

Good. I don't want to associate with you anyway.

That's all right, Lamont.

I was just waiting to say hello to you anyway.

Besides, I have to go to a funeral. A funeral?

You just left one.

This one is hers, can't you tell?

gnashing of teeth.

That's it. If you don't get out of here, there's going to be some weeping and

some smashing of teeth.

Heathen. All of you. A bunch of heathen. I won't have to be bothered with y 'all

in heaven.

All of you.

Bat.

Let's drink to the bat leaving.

I'll drink to that. Hey, look. Why don't you guys stop all this drinking? You're

only going to make yourselves depressed.

Now, why don't you do something to pick up your spirits, all right?

You know, for once, Lamont was right.

Let's talk about something pleasant while we pick up our spirits.

That's right, because life is too short to always be worried about the

whereabouts of the Grim Reaper. We ain't here long enough to enjoy ourselves.

Graydon, when's the last time you had a date? Last night. Remember, you and me

sat right here and watched Star Trek.

I mean a date with a woman.

Oh, that kind.

See there, you don't even remember. Why can't we have us a party?

I got the place. I got the tape.

All we got to do is round up some girls, and then we can have our own party.

Dog or frog, I know just the women we want.

Who? The Butt Sisters.

Oh, man, not them.

Not the Butt Sisters.

Hell no, not the Butt Sisters.

Anybody but the Butt Sisters.

We want to have a party, not a sideshow.

Well, who do you want?

You know, somebody with some, you know, like that guy on the radio, Wolfman

Jack. Hey, look here, baby.

Yeah, we got you here. We're going to have somebody make your liver quiver.

Put some glide in your slide.

Yeah. And put some cut in your strut. Yeah, baby.

Any of y 'all know anybody like that?

I think I know somebody who would be right up my alley.

Who? Fance Fanny. She works as a topless waitress at the bowling alley down the

block. You know her? Well, I thought I know her.

and I figured she owed me a favor. She spilled a drink in my lap once, and I

still tipped her.

Well, look, Grady, do you think you'd get fast, Fanny, to bring some of my

friends over to that party? Well, it's worth a try. I'll run right on over

now and see what I can do. Yeah, you do that, Grady. And you fellas, I'm

straight around the houses up here, and you guys go home and take a bath and put

on some fresh socks.

And look here, one more thing.

Change your drawers.

Back in the rim, do the rockin'. Poochie, I'm gonna grab your mama. Grab

job with this green boy.

North Florida, South Dakota.

Wake up in the morning. How'd your lunch, son?

Fine, Papi. I'm glad to see you in a good mood, man. And you're not depressed

anymore. Oh, no.

I'm taking your advice.

I'm gonna do something meaningful with my life. Really? You gonna do some work?

No. I figure you only go around once.

And you gotta grab all the guts so you can't hit.

So from now on...

I'm gonna be a gusto grabber.

Oh, really? What kind of gusto you plan on grabbing?

Any kind I can get my grabbers on.

What about your arthritis?

Better to grab with me, son.

What about your heart?

Well, as long as my grabber's grabbing, my ticker will be tickled.

This is gonna be fun, fun, fun, huh? Right.

Fun, fun, fun, son.

Bring on the wine, women, and the song.

Pop, at your age, you can't afford to do that.

Why not? Because if you have too much wine and women, the song is going to be

nearer, my God, to thee.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Let me enjoy your lunch. I'll get that.

I'm coming, I'm

coming.

Hey, great, that was fast.

And Fast Fanny's fast.

Yeah, Fred.

Fanny had a few minutes as he came right on over.

Fred, I'd like for you to meet Fast Fanny, and Fanny, meet Fred Sanford.

Mr. Sanford. Don't be too formal. Just call me Freddy, like in Ready Freddy.

Hey, Fanny, I'm glad you were free. Well, I'm not exactly free, but I'm

reasonable.

Shady Grady told you about the party we're planning on tonight.

Yes, he did.

But first, let's get an understanding established.

Yes, by all means.

Are all the men at this party about your age?

Yeah, why?

Well, because me and my girlfriends don't want to be responsible for any

attacks.

You don't have to worry about nothing like that happening.

And another thing. If you want this party to move, I mean really take off,

make sure there's plenty to eat, plenty to drink.

And a lot of good music.

Yeah, well, we playing the boogie -woogie all night long. Yeah.

We just let our hair down and let everybody go with themselves.

Yeah. And my destination is in sight.

You're cute.

How many of my friends do you want me to bring?

Let me see.

And Sadie Grady. That's me.

And Flick Dillett.

And there's Big Boy Bubba and Lucky Leroy.

And about four of them.

Okay, and which one is he?

Oh, that's Left Out Lamont.

See, he won't be at the party. Oh, that's too bad. He's kind of cute.

Yeah, you ain't seen him when you get up here in the morning.

Say, Fred, I got to get Fanny back over to the bowling alley now. Hey, thanks a

lot, Grady. And thanks, Fanny.

Fanny? Uh, Fanny.

What's your last dance?

Fast, faster, and outside.

Yeah!

You're not really going to have that party here, are you? I mean, I know

not going to have it here. Oh, no? Well, you just watch.

This is just the beginning.

See, I intend to party lightly, slightly, politely, and if possible, all

nightly.

Hey, Papa.

Oh, no.

Hey, Pop.

Pop. What?

What is all of this junk doing down here?

What do you expect to find in this junkyard, dummy?

I'm talking about all this party junk. It looks like you're planning on having

an orgy.

I don't believe this, man. I just don't believe it. You don't believe what?

from Junior Cooper's funeral.

Where'd you get that thing from anyway?

This ain't no thing.

And I got it down the street at a going -back -to -jail sale.

It only cost me six bucks.

And the guy that sold it to me got six months.

You know, you really act silly for an old man. Why don't you try acting your

instead of your shoe size?

You keep talking to me like that and you feel my shoe size.

I don't want to hear nothing you got to say.

I was going to talk me out of giving this party. Yeah, well, I'm not just

to stand around here and watch you make a fool out of yourself.

I shouldn't even let you have this party in the house anyway.

Let me have it.

Are you a fool, fool?

Whose name is on the deeds of this house?

Yours. Whose name is on all three of the mortgages?

Yours. Well, then whose house is it? The finance company.

Well, you know what I'm talking about. This is my house.

And this is my party.

And if you don't want to...

You can find you somewhere else to go tonight because we're going boogie

here all night long.

The door, would you get that for me?

That suits a monster.

Say, Fred, that's one of them Superman suits, ain't it?

Superfly, Bubba, Superfly.

Say, where are all the girls?

Don't be impatient.

They ain't here yet. I figure we need a little time to get ourselves together

before they arrive.

And I got just the thing to get us together. Yeah, I understand that. Yeah,

about that. All right.

Yes, baby.

I'm ready for this.

I know, buddy. Me too.

to drink to Junior Cooper.

You know one thing?

That's true, because if Junior hadn't died, we wouldn't be having all this

I knew Junior Cooper was going to be good for something.

To Junior Cooper.

To Junior Cooper.

Why don't you grab yourself a drink and join the party?

No, thanks, Brady. You guys go ahead. Just count me out.

You party pooper. Why don't you take your wet blanket someplace else?

Hey, hey, hey!

You all remember how we used to do really hard?

Who? I invented it. Watch this.

Go ahead.

Oh, hello,

brother. Can I speak to Fanny?

Yeah, Fast Fanny.

Hello, Fast Fanny.

Uh, this is Lamont Stafford.

Yeah, left out Lamont.

Listen, are you supposed to be coming to a party at my pop's house tonight?

Oh, no, no, no. They're still having a party. It's just that, uh, it'll be a

little late, see, because the liquor got delayed.

Yeah,

well, listen, uh, I'm gonna come over to the bowling alley and walk you and the

ladies over here so you won't get mugged on the way.

Yeah, well, I think I'm sweet, too.

Bye.

Amen.

How come you're so quiet?

There ain't nothing going on this time. We just want to rest up.

We don't want to be all sweaty when the girls get here.

Yeah, but you can't have no party sitting around here like this. You got

drinks and music and dancing. Come on, this is a party. Yeah, you're right.

Hey, come on out here and show me that soft shoe that you're supposed to be

famous for.

Oh, you don't know about that. That was for your time.

Well, try me. Try you? Yes.

Come on. This is supposed to be a party.

I'm not tired.

I'm exhausted.

You're getting old, Skip.

Let me at the young blood.

Yeah, you're doing a linden hop, Lamar. No, you got to show me that one. I'll

show it to you. Come on, let's go. Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute. That ain't no linden hop. Come on, Brady. Let's show him.

Show him. Yeah, yeah.

Say, Freddie, remember how we used to slow drag?

Now, wait a minute.

I do, Bubba!

You've got Shady Grady, and here's the ringleader.

consciousness. You know what I think? I think you grabbed for a little bit too

much gusto.

Yeah, son.

Ready, ready. Gonna be sensible.

I'm gonna take that I'm gonna take that super fly suit out of the pawn shop and

throw the ticket away.

Now that's the way I like to hear my old man talk. Oh, I almost forgot, Pop.

This came for you in the mail.

They read it for me, son.

Hurts me to focus my eyes.

Hey, it's from Fast Fanny.

This admits one to the grand opening of the Magic Fingers Massage Parlor.

Hey, give me that.

Magic Fingers.

Jefferson's Crenshaw.

Wait a minute. Now, don't tell me you're going to a massage parlor. No, I'm

going to a parlor shop. Then I'm going to a massage parlor.

I thought you said you was going to be sensible, Pop.

Well, what could be more sensible than that? It's free, ain't it?

Look at you. You ain't in no shape to go nowhere.

Don't tell me what to do. I'm grown.

Oh!

Hey, sir.

What's that out there?

Daylight. Oh.

Hey, sir.

You take this suit to the pawn shop.

I'm going to get me some rest.

Oh.

Hey, sir.

What?

I'm putting sun is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.