Original subtitles

Baby, here I stand before you with my heart in my hand. I want you to read it,

Mama, hoping that you'll understand.

And that's the truth, baby.

Wow!

Well, you know I wouldn't lie.

Hey, Pop, what you doing?

Oh, I'm fixing a few snacks for later on. See, I take a piece of bologna and

wrap it around some cheese and onion and garlic and call it The Lookaway.

Well, why do you call it that?

Because after eating one of them and go to talk to somebody, they look away.

See, I got the recipe out of the food section of the Sunday paper. See, here

is right here. It says, tempt your guest with this delicious appetizing horse

diver.

Wait a minute.

Let me see that.

That's not horse diver. That's French.

That's who is the ovary.

You must be expecting some female company tonight.

No, just Grady's coming by to watch the fights.

Say, listen, son, you got any extra cash on you?

For what?

Well, I need some money because Donna's birthday is coming up, and I want to

take her somewhere nice, somewhere romantic.

Oh, yeah? Like where?

Disneyland.

Disneyland? Yeah, see, she never been there, and it's almost un -American not

go to Disneyland.

Yeah, but I'd like to know what's so romantic about Disneyland.

The Disneyland Motel.

You a dirty old man, you know that?

And I'm going to be one until I'm a dead old man.

I'm sorry, Pop, but I'm flat broke now, and you're going to have to think of

something else.

I already did, but I don't think it'll work.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Me taking Donna to the all -night movie and taking the blanket with us.

Hey, get that weed, son. I'll bring your stuff in. All right.

All right.

Oh, hi, Brady.

Hi, uh... Lawrence.

Yeah, hi, Lawrence.

Hello, Brady.

Hi, Fred. Come on, sit down.

Yeah. The fight's about to start.

You want a cold beer?

Hey, that would be nice.

Would you mind getting us a cup of beer, son?

Hey, Grady, why don't you try some of these horse divers?

Hey, Lamont, hurry up. The fight's need to start.

Whose fight, Fred, do you know?

Yeah, Indian Joe Roach and a Mexican fella named, uh, Mexican fella named

Alvarez.

Hey, Pop, that's pronounced Jesus.

Well, he spelled it the same way Jesus spelled his name.

I know, but you don't say it that way.

Well, they know he's gonna be a fighter. Why they name him Jesus?

How did his parents know when he was born that he was gonna be a fighter?

Prim, maybe they thought he was gonna be a carpenter.

Ooh, look at that left hook.

I bet you want no hair growing in that spot again.

Get up, Roach. Get up before he step on you.

Wow. That wasn't much of a fight, was it?

I get to see better fights than that at home where I board.

You ought to see the Fergusons go at it.

They fight a lot, huh?

All the time.

She picked up a glass one time and threw it at him and broke all his teeth.

Grady, how could she break all of his teeth?

His teeth were in the glass.

the security comes in, I'm going to find me a place with lots of peace and

quiet. I'm a quiet person. You know that, Fred. No, I know it. All I like to

is sit in my room at night and do quiet things, like trim my beard, wash

out my eyes, and cut my corns.

Listen, how much you say you pay every month?

$60.

$60 every month? Uh -huh. I'm going to get us a couple more beers. All right.

Come here, sir.

What? I can't find the can opener. You don't need no can opener, Pop. All you

got to do is pull the tab on the top. Would you come here?

Excuse me a minute, dear.

I told you, we don't need no can opener with this baby. Just listen.

I figured out a way how we can make some extra cash.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, see? Now, Grady don't like the place he's staying at, right?

So? So, he got 60 bucks a month to pay for a nice place to stay, right?

I know what you're thinking, Pop, and forget it.

Forget it? Look, that's $60 steady.

Hey, man, I don't want nobody staying here steady. Now, we're not so hard up

that we've got to take in boarders for a crummy $60.

That ain't no crummy $60.

That's $60 steady.

Did you make $60 today?

No. Did you make $60 yesterday?

No. Case closed.

Okay, so business has been a little on the slack side.

So we take Grady's pension and tighten up that slack.

Pop, we're only talking about $60 a month, man. That only comes out to about

a day.

Did you make $2 a day?

Did you make $2 yesterday?

How many times do I have to keep closing this case?

Okay, Pop, what about your work?

What about it?

If Grady moved in here, you'd never get nothing done, man. The two of y 'all

would sit around here playing cards and watching television.

No, we wouldn't. See, Grady could help me with my coordinating, and then with

arthritis, I need some help around here.

I thought it was in your left hand.

He is spreading.

Listen, son, it's just for a month. Wait till we try it, okay?

Pop, it's not going to work, man. I just know it's not going to work. Sure it'll

work. Sure, I know it'll work.

Listen, and when it's supposed to come, we'll raise the rent.

Let's go tell him.

All right, but I don't think it's going to work, Pop. It's going to work.

Here's a couple of beers in there. Bring them out.

Grady?

Grady? Grady?

Oh, yeah.

It's so quiet in here. Hey, I almost dozed off.

Yeah. Yeah, where you been? You missed the whole last ballot.

Well, we were in there talking, Brady.

Now, I got to ask you something.

Now, you like both of us, don't you?

Like you?

Why, you like family to me.

Fred, you like a brother to me.

And, uh, Lance.

Yeah.

Lance here is like a brother.

Well, here's what I want to ask you.

Instead of living there with the Ferguson where they be fighting all the

and keeping you upset, why don't you move in here with me and, uh... Lance?

Yeah, me and Lance.

Move in here with you?

You mean be a boarder with you? That's right.

Well, that'd be like living with my own family, wouldn't it? Your own family.

live with family.

Yeah, see now, so instead of giving $60 to some strangers, you're giving that

$60 to your own family.

My own family.

That's right, $60.

Oh.

Hey, Grady, now, is that a deal?

Wait a minute, Pop. Maybe Grady would like to think about it for a while.

No, there's nothing to think about.

I'm touched.

See that? You heard him blow his nose.

He's touched.

All I can think about is how soon can I move in?

Anytime you get ready.

Can I move in tonight and bring my things over tomorrow?

Yeah, great. You can go on upstairs now and go to sleep.

Listen, you take my room.

Your room?

You're giving me your room?

My room.

When you stop that, you're going to blow something out of your head that you

need.

Come on, Grady.

You go up here and make yourself feel at home here.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you, Fred.

Well, good night, Grady.

Good night, Fred.

And good night, Lucas.

Lucas. Yeah, good night, Lucas.

My old family.

Fred and Lucas.

Now, listen.

Hold it, Lucas.

I knew there was another one coming.

See, son, you made an old man happy. And we get 60 bucks per side.

Okay, smart guy, now just tell me one thing.

Where are you going to sleep tonight?

I'll sleep in your bed.

Oh, no, you're not sleeping with me. You dribble on the pillow.

And you make them old man smacking sounds with your mouth.

Well,

I can't sleep on the couch with my arthritis.

You don't have no trouble sleeping on it during the day when you're supposed to

be doing some work.

Well, I can't sleep all night when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

I'm not sleeping on no couch.

Well, neither one of us might have to have to sleep on it.

Every time you always come up with something, I always get the short end of

I got to come down here and you want me to sleep on the cot.

Listen, don't worry. I told you nothing was going to work out. Be prepared.

That's the thing.

You tell me you're going to sleep on that old army cot.

No, you are.

I can't sleep on that.

Well, I slept on it when I was in the army all the time. All right, then

used to it, so you sleep on it.

I did my time on it. Now it's your turn.

Forget it.

Well, look here. We have to take turns.

Now, what could be fairer than that?

You sleep on it tonight.

I'm not sleeping on that.

On

second

thought, maybe I will sleep down here.

I don't think I want to go up there with him snowing like that.

It is kind of loud in here.

Why don't you go up there and close the door? All right.

Let's see how I did this at Fort Dix.

Hey, Pop?

Yeah? Hey, Pop?

Huh?

The door is closed.

Hey,

Pop, is Greg ever going to come out of the bathroom? He's been up there for

hours. He took the newspaper with him.

Maybe he's a slow reader.

Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?

He's glad it wasn't a Sunday paper.

This is ridiculous, you know that?

Well, see, it's a habit he picked up when he's living at the Ferguson's,

the bathroom was the quietest spot in the house.

Yeah, well, what's he doing it here for? Ain't nobody fighting in this house.

It's a habit, and I just have to help him kick it.

And I know just how to do it. How?

We hide the toilet seat from him and only give it to him when he really needs

it.

It's not going to do no good. Once he gets it, he'll still be sitting there

hours. Not if we hide it in the freezer.

I'm sorry I ever let you talk me into this, man. First, he keeps me up snoring

all night, and now I can't even use my own bathroom.

Where are you going? To the filling station.

The filling station? That's right.

You don't have to go to the filling station.

See, Brady just don't know the rules around here now.

Said it's three people got to use the toilet. Yeah, well, I wish you'd explain

it to him. In the meantime, I have to use the filling station. This is a drag.

Hey, Grady!

Grady!

Grady! What

a world.

What a world.

What are you talking about, Grady?

You know, you read the bad news in the morning newspaper and it makes you feel

like you don't ever want to come out of the toilet.

Yeah.

It's beginning to look like that.

Huh? Nothing, Grady.

Just Lamont was waiting to get in.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred. Why didn't he call me?

He probably is calling you something all the way to the filling station.

I'm sorry. I don't want to cause no trouble.

Well, forget about it, Grady.

Come on in here with me.

Come on in, Grady.

I'll fix you something to eat.

Oh, no thanks, Fred. I'm not hungry.

Well, sit on down. You will be hungry when you find out what I'm going to fix

for us.

See, I've been saving three eggs in there for Lamont's Sunday breakfast.

And because it's your first day here, I'm going to fix us an omelet.

Nice, big, fluffy omelet.

I know how to do that.

See, I'll take these three.

Where are these three eggs I had in here?

Oh, you mean those three eggs that went in there?

Yeah, those three eggs went in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred, but I ate those earlier. That's why I ain't hungry.

You ate all three of them? That's all I could find.

Well, never mind, Grady. We'll just have us some coffee and watch television.

Oh, now that'd be nice. That's a good idea, watching television.

Yeah, I'd love it. Yeah, a little old television.

I'm finished with my morning newspaper, and now I'm ready for television.

Turn on the news, Fred.

I don't want to listen to no news, Grady. Why don't you listen to the news

in the morning? Well, I thought you'd want to watch something educational.

Okay, you got a choice of three.

Captain Kangaroo, Deputy Dog, or Huckaberry Hound.

Oh, I don't like none of those, Fred.

If you don't want to watch what I want to watch, why don't you go back up in

toilet? Well, I don't want to go back up in there. They don't have no television

shows up there, Fred.

Well, start your own.

Leave the door open and call it Face the Nation.

Good morning, Fred.

Good morning.

My goodness, what a pleasant surprise.

Hey, Grady.

You remember Donna Harris, my fiancée.

Grady. See, Grady moved in with us, and he's sleeping in my room now.

Hey, Donna, what brings you by here so early in the morning? Well, I was out on

a call in the neighborhood and thought, while I'm here, I'll stop by and give

you a neck rub.

Oh, that's so thoughtful of you. Come on over here.

Hey, Grady, see, Donna's a practical nurse, and she cracks my neck.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And she does toes, too.

Sometimes she crack my neck and toes so good, it sounds like the post you're

lying in.

You ready, Fred?

Your steady Freddy is ready.

Is it a tightness in both sides of the neck going down to the shoulder?

Well, yes, that's right. That's tension.

Is that what you feel now? Yeah, I'm tense and stiff and everything.

Would you do me?

Well, let's see.

Oh, excuse me, Fred.

Oh, my, yes, you are tight.

Much more so than Fred.

Oh, now.

That feels just great.

Say, if I run upstairs and wash my feet, will you do my toes?

She ain't doing no toes, Brady.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred. I didn't want to cause no trouble.

Hey,

Pop, I'm home.

Yeah.

What's the matter with you? You look like you're mad about something.

I am.

Mad at myself.

For what?

For talking you into letting Brady stay here.

I've decided, Thompson.

Grady's got to go.

But he just moved in here, and he's probably on his way over here now with

things. What are you going to tell him?

I don't know, but he's such a dear friend of mine.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

What?

We've got to figure out something right away before he comes right down to the

suitcase and a big smile on his face.

Yeah, he's probably thinking about all that peace and quiet he's going to have

with his new family.

What?

Oh, that peace and quiet he thought he was going to have with his new family.

Are you with me, son?

I'm way ahead of you, Pop.

Come on in, Grady, buddy.

Hi, Bill, pal.

Hey, you got all your stuff in there, Grady? Yeah, most of it. But I still had

to get out of there in a hurry. The Fergusons were right in the middle of a

fight, and I just couldn't stand a racket.

That really gets to you, don't it? It ties my stomach in knots.

Makes me feel like I want to barf.

Well, look, Brady, why don't you go on upstairs and relax and make yourself at

home, like, and dinner will be ready in about an hour and a half, two hours.

Okay.

See, dinner will be ready in about an hour or two.

Sorry it's a little late, Brady.

How come dinner ain't ready now?

Because I forgot to fix it. What do you mean you forgot? You forgot? You mean to

tell me you're getting so old you can't remember to cook dinner?

Who you call?

I can't give you one of these across your lips.

If I was you, I wouldn't try.

Who? I'll try it. I'll knock you out.

How are you going to knock me out when you can't even remember to cook dinner?

Who? All right. Put your hands up. I don't have to put my hands up.

It's a family argument. Come on.

I'm coming.

Let me see what you got on the other side. I got blue stuff.

Hold it. Hold it.

No, I didn't know you two had family arguments.

Now this ain't going to take too long. Where's my bat?

In about four or five hours. Four or five hours.

We'll finish it then. We'll finish it tomorrow. Come on. That's right.

Come on, Fred. You know I don't never back out. No agreements, Fred.

I just can't stand no fighting.

Hey, just get out of the way, buddy. Come on in to me. Come on in to me.

that line. I don't need to cross the line.

We make a good team, Pop. We were a good team. Yeah.

You were Butch Cassidy, and I was a Sundance kid. All right.

Let's go have dinner, Pop.

Huh?

Go have dinner.

Yeah, let's go have dinner. We can't.

What do you mean we can't? I ain't cooking nothing. I really forgot to

You forgot to cook?

Yeah. How could you forget to cook?

Because I'm a human being.

I forgot to cook.

You could forget, but how could you forget to cook dinner? Like I told you

earlier, I forgot because I'm human.

All the excitement going on with Brady and everything, I just forgot to fix it.

That's not the reason. What's the reason? You're just getting so old that

can't remember to cook dinner.

Who are you calling old?

There ain't but two of us in the kitchen.

I ain't so old I can't give you one of these across your neck.

Hey, man, if I was you, I wouldn't try.

I'll try it in time I get ready. I raised you. I'll knock you out. I'm on

Well, I'm going to work, Pop. I'll see you at lunchtime. Okay, son.

Hey, you know what?

It sure is a pleasure to be able to use your own bathroom.

Yeah, that's right. See, a man's home is his castle, and he shouldn't have to

share his throne.

Right. Right.

I wonder who that is. I hope it ain't Grady. Me, too.

Good morning, Commod. Oh, hi, Donna. Donna, are you here again?

Yes. What a surprise.

Well, I think you got short chains yesterday on your neck rub, so I'm here

to finish the job.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Lamont, Donna's going to do my neck. She's going to crack it for me. Bye.

Where's your friend this morning?

Oh, well, him staying here didn't work out, so he moved.

Oh.

Bye, son.

Ready to do my neck?

Mm -hmm.

Do you actually crack his neck?

No. I just work out the stiffness and the tension.

Yeah. She just works out the stiffness and the tension.

Bye, son.

Uh, is it a... Is it a tightness on both sides of the neck leading

down to the shoulders?

Well, yes, that's it. Is that what you feel? Yeah.

Uh, look here, son, why don't you get on moving now? But I just want... I'm not

going to do your neck or your toes. But I... I don't want to work. I just

want... And try to get back here with about 50 bucks.

There's a tightness around the neck.

Tightness over here.

Get me 50 bucks or something. Fred.

Fred, do you need some money? If you do, I can loan you some.

Well, I'll sure pay you back as soon as we get back from where we're going.

Where are we going?

You'll find out when we get to Disneyland.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.