Original subtitles

It sure is romantic.

Just me and you and the sound of the ocean behind us.

It's very nice.

I love that rumbling sound.

What rumbling sound?

The waves.

Oh, I thought you were talking about my stomach.

My stomach's been rumbling all morning.

I shouldn't mix my drink.

What drink?

Buttermilk and Pluto water.

Fred, I've got to talk to you about something.

I've already put it off too long.

But I can't seem to find the right way to say it.

You got a problem?

Yes, I have.

Well, are you pregnant?

Well,

if you ain't pregnant, what's the problem?

How long have we been engaged?

Oh, now I know what you're getting at.

You want to know when we're going to get married.

Right. I have an important decision to make.

What kind of decision?

Well, I have another marriage proposal.

What?

Do you remember Osgood Perkins?

He's a patient I've worked for. Remember, I brought him to the house one

That old invalid?

You've got to be kidding me. I'm not kidding, Fred.

Osgood asked me to marry him.

If I wanted to, I could marry him tomorrow morning.

And bury him tomorrow evening.

See, the preacher wouldn't even have to take his tuxedo off.

Just marry him and bury him the same day.

Fred, now this is not a joking matter. I was serious when I said I have to make

a decision. I can't go on waiting.

Okay, okay.

You had to wait.

I made up my mind.

You have?

Yeah. Freddie, your steady is ready.

Fred, do you mean it?

You really do?

Yeah. Oh, Fred.

Wait a minute, Fred.

Let's save some until after the wedding.

Well, let's don't wait.

Let's set the date right away.

I ain't doing nothing this weekend.

We're getting married Sunday.

Sunday? Sunday?

That's so soon.

We've got so much to do. We have to find a church and send out the wedding

invitations and get our blood tests.

We don't have to worry about that. We can get married at the house and just

and me and Reverend Trimble. And all I have to worry about is having enough

blood for the blood tests.

What about Lamont?

You think he'll have any objections?

I'll overrule any objections he might have.

And I have five good reasons.

One, two, three, four, five.

Say, wait a minute, baby. Hold on a minute. But, baby, just hold on one

Wait a minute, baby. You know who this is? This is Hello.

She knew.

Hey, Jack, you want to try Francine?

No, man. She's always hungry. Last time I took out...

She had four fat burgers in a thick shake.

And besides that, she got a shiny nose, man. Whenever I take her to the movies

and I go to get popcorn, I can always find my seat by her neon nose.

Hey, man, what about, what about Dimples and Lee?

Dimples and Lee?

The gruesome twosome?

You is a fool.

We ain't that hard up.

Hey, I wonder if I still got their number.

under D .T. for desperation time.

Now, here it is. An L .R. for last resort.

Somebody. Yeah, wait a minute.

Hi, son.

Hello,

Donna.

How you doing, Mr. Stanford?

I don't believe I've had the pleasure, ma 'am. Oh, excuse my manner, Rallo.

Rallo Longford. Meet Donna Harris, my fiancée.

Hello, Rallo.

Rallo is one who's always leading the monastery.

You know, like Rollo and Follow.

Sit down, darling.

Give me a moment.

I got something to tell you.

You ready?

Donna has consented to make me the happiest man in the world.

What's she going to do, make you a beneficiary?

What kind of dumb thing is that to say?

That's downright and stuffy.

You ain't got no class at all.

See, Donna, do you have insurance policy?

Come on, Pop. What do you want to tell me, man? Me and Rolo got something

to do. Okay.

Brace yourself.

You ready?

Donna and I are getting married Sunday.

Hey, congratulations, Mr. Temple. That's the hottest night.

Hey, Papa, Sunday's the day after tomorrow, man. Why are you going to do

for soon?

Well, Donna ain't getting no younger.

And I ain't either.

And Dick, Donna be like a sort of a September bride, and I'll be a December

groom. And when winter meets fall, we gonna have a ball.

Come on, Donna. I'll walk you to the car, honey.

Good night.

If your old man can hook up with a queen like that, I know it's some hope for

me. I'm going to get back in this book. Hey, wait a minute, man. Wait a minute.

Now, this is serious, Rallo. I think he's really going to get married this

man. So what?

Give the old dude some credit.

The old dude don't need no credit. He needs strength.

Man. Hey, well, it looks like they're going to make it fine to me. Yeah, well,

I'm not going to make it fine because Don and I don't get along too tough.

Hey, Bubby, you ain't mad.

Yeah, but I got to live here in the house with her, and it's not going to

out, man. She'll be in here trying to take over this place.

The whole house would be smelling and tasting like cold cream.

And there'd be them old long hairs on the sink in the back.

Down this car, in our truck, we'd be a two -car family.

Say, Rallo, get your narrow rump off my stump.

So it's cold, Pop. That's great, Pop. Hey, listen, man.

Are you sure you're giving us a lot of thought, Pop? Because, I mean...

is a very serious business.

I know that. I've given it thought.

A lot of thought.

And that's what I want to do, so don't try to talk me out of it. No, I don't

want to talk you out of it. I just don't want you rushing into nothing.

I ain't rushing into nothing. I'm just strolling into it.

If I wait much longer, I won't be able to crawl into it.

Yeah, but you know that old saying, Pop, fools rush in where wise men fear to

go.

But wise men never fall in love.

So how are they to know?

See, when we met, I felt my life begin.

So open up your heart and let this fool rush in.

This is Station F -R -E -D signing off.

Good night, you two dummies.

Wait a minute, partner. Wait a minute.

Listen. If you don't mind, I'm going upstairs to get me some rest for the

test. I don't want to fuck it.

Yeah, but you still haven't told me why all of a sudden you got this sudden

desire to get married. Now, what happened?

Well, if we're going to talk, let's have us a cold beer.

Please, Pop, because I mean, you left here this morning, man. Okay.

Now, come on, man. You didn't tell me you got married.

Just like that. I mean, I don't have no one. I just want to know what happened.

Here's what happened.

I had to beat out a competitor.

See, she got another proposal, so I had to act fast.

It was either now or never.

Don't you see what that means?

Yeah, it's me now and him never.

Pop, that's the oldest trick in the business, man. She told you that stuff

another man to get you trapped.

Sagittarius the hunter got captured by the game.

What's wrong with that? I like it.

Pop, it's the principle of the thing, man. I knew I smelled something rotten.

If you smell something rotten, you ought to wash your mustache.

Don't you see what's happening, Pop? You're being pressured into getting

married. I ain't being pressured into nothing. Besides, I ain't getting no

younger. And if we're going to have some kids, we better do it right away.

And while I got my teeth, I don't want to be sitting around gumming no paddling

with the kids.

What would happen if Don and I don't get along too tough? I mean, what if it got

so bad that I had to split?

I'd miss you, son.

I know you're not going to have... no big wedding, Pop, because you know you

can't afford that.

Oh, no. It'll just be Reverend Trimble's $10 special.

Just me and the bride -to -be.

But what about the family, man? Aren't you going to invite the family?

My family's in St. Louis.

They'll read about it in the society column in Jet Magazine.

If Mr. and Mrs. Sanford marry, the bride is a practical nurse and the groom is a

prominent Los Angeles coordinator.

No, I'm talking about family out here, man. What about Aunt Esther and Uncle

Woody and Aunt Minnie and Uncle James?

What about them?

I ain't giving no Halloween party.

If Donna sees them, she'd think I'm playing trick -or -treat.

Good night.

Wait a minute. I don't want to hear that.

So that's it, huh? That's the way it's going to be. Three of us living here in

the same house. That's how it's going to be.

Yes, Donna and me.

And the dummy makes three.

I'm heading to my blue bedroom.

Well, she did it. The barracuda finally got him trapped.

Yes, damn.

Hey, she got his nose open so wide you could run a tractor through it.

Hey, look at what's so cold -blooded, man.

relatives at the wedding. Now, that's cold -blooded.

Rallo!

Yeah,

well, see, Rallo, my old man and my family got an understanding. They all

understand that they hate each other.

They never forgave him for marrying my mother.

First wife family always hate the new wife. That's the way it is.

And you try to bring them together, look out.

It's fireworks.

And let me tell you something, man. If you're thinking about bringing them

together,

That's what you're thinking of.

You're thinking about bringing all of them together.

But your pop don't want that, does he?

But you're going to do it anyway.

Yeah, I think I got to go. I hear my pop coming now.

I'll call you later on, Esther.

Okay, bye -bye.

Hi,

son. Tell me, I want to show you something.

Looks like a black felt bedpan.

Listen, it's a humbird.

Hey, I forgot I had it. I really did.

I got it real cheap. I found it.

It's a nice hat, Pop, but it's a little bit too big for your head.

Oh, it might be a little too big, but I don't think so.

I can stuff some newspaper over here inside and then blow out what I got left

my natural.

It fits perfect.

Give the wedding a little class.

Are you planning on wearing this tuxedo, too?

Yeah, I'm taking it to the cleaners to have it pressed. See, I got a little

collard green juice on the sleeve.

It's kind of stained a little bit.

Must have been when we had the victory celebration for Mayor Bradley.

All the junk men got together and had this celebration.

I thought you said you was going to have a simple wedding.

I am. This is for the pictures.

Yes, if you're going to do it, you might as well do it right.

Say, you had to change your mind about the wedding, huh? Yeah, yeah, I got to

thinking about it, Pop. And once I thought about it, it didn't seem so bad

all. I mean, you got a right to be happy.

I even told a few people about it.

Who?

Well, Aunt Esther, for one.

You told ugly Esther?

That's the worst person in the world you could have told.

Well, as long as you invited her to come over here, I guess it's okay.

I didn't have to, Pop. She invited herself.

She what? Old gorilla face gonna be at my wedding?

Is she gonna bring Woody to where I know?

I believe so.

That does it. Now I'm gonna have to hide my ripples, my gin, my scotch, my

bourbon, my rye.

Got to hide my bug spray, my Drano.

I hope she don't tell nobody else.

No, she won't.

Good. But I couldn't have Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody here without having...

Aunt Minnie and Uncle Jake.

Minnie the Moocher and Jake the Jackass.

Oh, no.

You're turning my dream come true into a nightmare.

Oh, come on, Pop. Now, be fair. This is our family, and Donna hasn't even met

them yet.

Donna also have never met a school of piranha.

Look, Pop, would you stop worrying? Now, they're not going to be here that long.

That's what the Indians say when they first saw the white man coming.

It's hard for me to believe that there's a woman somewhere that desperate.

Me, too.

What's the matter with her, Lamont? Is she lame?

Say, Lamont, where's Fred and his bride -to -be, anyway?

Oh, they're out taking the wedding pictures. I don't think they like the

atmosphere around here.

Oh, pardon me.

And what did you say her name was?

Don. Yeah. Donna, it means lady.

Is that so?

I once had a dog named Lady. Oh?

I'm Flossie!

Flossie!

Hey, Edgar, better grab yourself a drink before Woody hits his stride over here.

I tried to on after, but Donna's got his mind pretty well made up. What does

this woman do for a living?

Oh, she's a nurse.

Oh, honey, you know how those old nurses are?

All they do all day is give strange men back rooms.

Hey.

That sounds like my kind of woman. I want to see her.

Yeah, me too, man.

Woodruff, you came here with teeth.

wanted a small wedding with not too many guests at all. You see, um, I don't

think she'd be comfortable around folks like us.

She's so accustomed to being around doctors and important clients and

you know.

Oh, really?

Uh -oh.

Hello, everybody.

Uh, I'd like you to meet my lovely bride -to -be. Uh, Donna, meet the family.

Hello, everybody.

I'm glad you could come.

How about a toast to the bride and groom?

Woodrow, put that bottle down before I unscrew your wrist.

It's not that we don't want to toast you.

We just want to get to know you a little better.

Right, ladies?

Right. Yeah.

talking to the ladies, fool.

Come, ladies.

Let's get to know the bride -to -be a little better.

Yeah, let's do that.

Say, where are you taking her?

In the kitchen for a little girl talk.

Come on, honey. I'll sing over here.

Say, Fred, ain't it a little late for you to be getting married?

I'm still breathing, ain't I?

and all your patients are heathens.

I don't know what you mean.

Why don't you get married in a church?

Yeah, why don't you get married in a church?

Why? I don't know.

We decided to have a small and informal wedding.

You remember to tell that to the Lord.

And the Lord will tell you, I am not come to call the righteous, but fill us

repentance. Righteous!

I bet she gives a mean back rub, huh?

How do you like me to rub this across your lips?

How many doctors you got on this side?

Oh, this has gotten far enough.

Sit down.

You ain't finished answering all our questions yet. What kind of mother do

intend to be to Lamont, our favorite nephew?

You think you can just walk in here and take my sister Elizabeth's place?

My sister had place.

But you can keep the ten bucks.

And it's your fault, dummy.

I knew if you invited me, it'd be something happening like this. I told

would. I knew it. I knew it.

And you knew it.

You planned it.

Wait a minute, Pop. Now, don't go jumping to no conclusions.

All I'm jumping to is upside your head.

Now, look here, Reverend.

You didn't preach no marriage, but stick around.

lamont's idea yeah honestly was see let's do it again and next time we'll do

right see we'll sneak down somewhere nice like el segundo maybe gardena

yeah or we can wait till june then you'll be a june bride see i can stick

cake in the refrigerator no the cake's too big it won't fit but i'll tell you

what i'd like to do with that cake i'd like to shove it down lamont's throat

I'll call you back.

You know what I said I want to do with that cake?

I'm going to do it.

Well, I'm not saying you don't know that he's about to star in a new version of

Deep Throat.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.