Original subtitles

Hey, Pop, I hope my breakfast is ready, man. I'm starving.

Say, what are you looking at?

Somebody out there in the yard.

Well, find out who it is. Maybe it's a customer.

No, he's not looking at the merchandise.

He's looking at the house more like the police look at the house.

He's doing more souping than looking.

Here, let me take a look.

He doesn't look like a policeman to me.

Maybe he's a bill collector, though.

Well, he came to the right place.

Well, if he comes to the door, find out what he wants, and we'll get something

to eat.

I don't care what he wants. I just ain't going to open the door.

Hey, Pop, will you get the door?

We close at the Jumpman Strike.

Hey, man,

are you going to get the door, or do I have to come out there and do it?

All right, all right.

Sanford? Fred Sanford?

You must have the wrong address.

I'm looking for Fred Sanford and the sign out front says Sanford and Son.

Oh, that's two different people.

See, that's Fred Sanford and Sanford Anson. See, Fred Sanford is the first

and Anson is the last name.

Who is it, Mom?

This is my son, Lamont. Lamont Anson.

Can I help you?

I hope so. I'm looking for Fred Sanford.

That's him.

Then you are Fred Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, I'm with the firm of Cornwall Phillips, Bishop and Shapiro.

Say, son, this might be some kind of racket. Next thing you tell you, he's

Shapiro.

Pop, at least wait and listen to what the man has to say.

Thank you.

My name is Lester Barrington, and I was to try and track down Fred Sanford. I'm

here to inform Mr. Sanford that his uncle, Leotis Sanford, died.

I don't know no Leotis Sanford. And to tell him that he left him $1 ,500.

Uncle Leotis is dead?

Hey, Pop, I didn't know you had an uncle named Leotis.

Are you kidding?

That was my favorite uncle.

Come here, Mr. Shapiro.

Why do you beat me around the bush? Why don't you just come right on out and say

that my uncle had died and left me 1 ,500. I mean, had died and left this

Poor Uncle Leotis.

I didn't know you had an uncle named Leotis. Yeah, I did.

He's my favorite uncle. He liked me better than he liked his own kids.

According to my information, Leotis Sanford had no children.

Uh... Yeah, that was Uncle Ernest.

Yeah, see, all uncles look alike to me.

See, uh... Uncle Leotis, he was an athlete in the family.

Yeah, he was as fast as Jesse Owens.

Wait a minute. I remember you talking about a Leotis Sanford that had a club

foot. Is that the same one?

Yeah. And if it hadn't been for that club foot, he'd have been faster than

Owens.

Poor Uncle Leotis.

I'd like to extend my sympathy.

And while you're at it, would you like to extend my money?

I'm afraid. I can't. Your money is in St. Louis.

Huh? What's my money doing in St. Louis?

Well, Mr. Stanford, because your uncle thought so much of you, it was his last

request that no one but you take care of his burial arrangement.

When you complete this requirement, the money is yours.

Well, can't we put him in the ground today?

Well, no.

Burial plans are being held up until you approve them, so I would suggest you

leave for St. Louis as soon as possible.

Say, listen, couldn't they ship Uncle Leo out here to the West Coast?

He'd love California.

And the smog wouldn't bother him at the cemetery.

I'm sorry. My name's Betsy. I'm going to get you to St. Louis.

Here's the address and the man you're to contact when you get there.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Barrington.

I'm going to try to get out as soon as possible. And I'm sorry my father gave

you that trouble at first, but he's a very consistent man. I understand.

Well, good day. Thank you very much.

How about that top 15?

hundred bucks and all we got to do is go to St. Louis and pick it up, man. I

can't believe it. Me either.

Left me all that money and I haven't seen Uncle Ulysses in 30 years.

You mean Leotis, don't you?

Yeah, I ain't seen him in 30 years either.

Look here, son. You come on over here to the phone and call the train station

and find out what time we gotta leave. Hey, wait a minute, Papa. Train ain't

gonna get it, man. You heard what the man said. We gotta get there as soon as

possible. Now that means we got to fly.

Fly.

You mean on an airplane?

No, on a Frisbee.

Of course on an airplane.

I ain't getting on no airplane. That's dangerous.

Pop, do you realize it's more dangerous driving on the freeway than it is flying

in an airplane?

And I ain't taking no freeway either.

I ain't flying.

Get it?

Just call me a choo -choo.

Hey, Pop, flying is fun, man. Haven't you seen those commercials?

Hi, I'm Jackie.

Fly me to St. Louis.

Okay, you fly, give me Jackie, and we'll meet you in St. Louis.

Pop,

you never even been on a plane before.

Or a plane crash either.

And you're 66 years old.

Ain't gonna live to be 67.

Well, what makes you think the plane is gonna crash? How come you have to look

for the worst in everything?

Because the last time I hoped for the best, you were born.

You're going to mess right around here and blow $1 ,500.

That's $1 ,500, Pop. I know you don't want to take a chance on losing that.

And also, I don't want to take a chance on losing this.

Pop, this is the 20th century, man. Everybody flies nowadays.

It's the same thing as taking a bus.

I ain't never heard nobody skyjacking no greyhound.

Oh, come on. Let me talk to you. Well, you read about it in the paper every

don't you? Every day you read about somebody hijacking something.

We might wind up in Turkey or Poland or one of them primitive places and wind up

catching some oriental disease.

Listen, Pop, you go upstairs and pack your bag, and I'll call the airlines.

Wait a minute, son.

Wait, no call. Wait a minute. Pop, we've got to make reservations as soon as

possible. Listen, then, son, I'm so broken up about Uncle Lewis.

If we don't fly, I'll have enough time to pull myself together.

Pop, a train or a bus would take too long. Now, we either fly or we don't go

all. Now, I'm going to call the ambulance. Wait a minute, son. Just wait

minute.

I'm beginning to feel bad. You'll be fine once you're up in the air.

Up in the air?

How high?

How high?

How high are they going up?

About 30 ,000, 40 ,000 feet.

That's right. Would you walk right through here, please?

Say, what's this thing?

That's a metal detector, sir.

Yeah, that's to stop people from sneaking weapons on board the plane.

I ain't got no weapon. I left my knife at home.

Yeah, well, you got to go through it anyway.

You go through first.

Thank you. Next, please.

You didn't get no shot in there, did you?

No. Now, would you walk through there?

What's the trouble, officer?

Well, this gentleman had a very high reading on the machine.

Sir, do you have any metal objects on you?

No, I don't have any.

Lester, please.

Hey, what's that thing there?

It's just a portable metal detector, sir. It's harmless. He's just going to

it over your body.

Watch this, sir.

Sir, would you empty that pocket, please?

Why? Come on, Pop. Stop wasting time, man. Wow.

A crucifix?

A St. Croix? Christopher's medal, a Star of David, a Crescent of Islam, and a

Buddha.

And a mojo.

What do you need all these things for?

That's flight insurance.

See, down here on the ground, I'm a Baptist.

But up there, I ain't taking no chances.

Can we go now? Yes, you can go right through that gate there.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Hi.

Are you Jackie?

No. No, I'm Carol.

Oh, we were supposed to fly Jackie to St. Louis.

I guess we'll fly you, Carol.

Here's our seats, Pop. Hey, you want to sit next to the window?

No, ain't there nobody I want to see?

Good afternoon.

Oh, good afternoon.

May I have your name and destination, please?

Lamont Sanford, and I'm going to St. Louis.

Thank you.

Is your companion asleep?

Hey, Pop, open your eyes. The stewardess wants to ask you some questions.

Is she pretty?

What difference does it make?

I'm just going to open my eyes and look at somebody ugly.

She's very pretty.

Are you Jackie?

No, I'm Susan.

Hey, Pop, just answer the questions, man.

May I have your name and destination, please?

Uh, Sanford. That's S -A -N -F -O -R -D, period.

Hey, listen, honey. It can't mean you go somewhere and sit somewhere alone just

me and you by ourselves.

together, so in case the plane crashes, I'll be smiling.

He's only kidding.

No, I ain't.

Well, I'll be back a little later, Mr. Sandford.

You can call me Fred, darling.

I can't take you no place.

You're not satisfied unless you're embarrassing me.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard our Flight 195 to St.

Louis. At this time, we ask you to make sure that your seatbelts are securely

fastened and that you extinguish all cigarettes and observe the no -smoking

sign. Thank you.

Say, listen.

Can't you put that cigarette out? Can't you read the sign?

Excuse me.

features of this airplane.

Located in the compartment above you is an oxygen mask.

I don't see none.

In the event there is insufficient oxygen in the cabin, it will drop down

automatically. Simply place the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth and

normally.

Would you sit down? You're supposed to be seated when the seatbelt sign is on.

Let me go. I want oxygen mask.

Listen, there's an oxygen mask right up here and it drops down. Now sit down.

it don't drop down. What if it gets stuck up there?

I want me an oxygen mask.

For your safety and convenience, please note the locations of the emergency

doors and windows that are located throughout the plane. They are clearly

marked.

Hey, we got an emergency window?

No, Pop. Emergency windows have emergency written on them. Well, why

have an emergency window? If everybody else got an emergency window, I want an

emergency window, too. Hey, I want an emergency window and oxygen mask.

You want emergency when it's due and I demand it. Make that due emergency when

it's due.

That's what I want.

Please sit down and stop making trouble.

The line.

The line. What? The plane is moving.

No kidding. Now just relax, Pop. Now the plane is just taxiing. on to the runway

so we can take off. Now just relax, all right? Why do we have to take off? Why

can't we just taxi right on in to St. Louis?

We're already on here now, Pop, so just relax.

Listen, suppose I have a heart attack.

Can I get out of here?

It's too late, Pop. We're already on the plane. Now just relax.

Sir,

are you all right? Uh, yeah, yeah, he's fine. You see, um, this is his first

trip, and he's a little nervous.

See, I'm going to St. Louis, and I'm taking my father with me. Yeah, he's

me to St. Louis to join my dead uncle.

Well, perhaps you'd like something to drink. What would you like?

Uh, I'd like a fifth of Ripple.

both have champagne.

Yeah, that's good.

Champagne and Ripple. We're mixing together. That's my favorite. I call it

-Pipple.

You'll just have champagne. Thank you. Well, here are your menus.

And when I come back with your drinks, you can tell me what you'd like for your

entree. Oh, I don't need this, honey. I know what I want.

Give me some neck bones and black -eyed peas and canned sweet potatoes and some

collard greens and some peach cobbler and a side of zucchini and a bowl of

gravy.

I'll explain it to him. Thank you very much.

Onion gravy.

Pop, would you just relax? Now, look, there's a lot of nice things on the menu

here, okay? Now, look at this. They got steak over here. You got lobster.

You got Cantonese duck. A lot of nice things on here.

Look, if this stuff costs so much, they don't even put the price beside it.

No, Pop, we fly in first class, man. We get our choice of any of this stuff for

free. See, you don't get that in second class.

We can eat any of this stuff here free. Our choice.

Then I won't be needing these.

I won't be needing these chicken wings.

What is that?

That there is chicken wings.

Don't you put those things away.

No, maybe somebody can use them in second class. Please.

I just hate to see some wings go to waste. Oh, please.

Just sit down here and behave yourself, please. Behave yourself.

You ain't my daddy. I'm your daddy.

You don't tell me what to do.

Well, somebody's got to tell you what to do because you don't know how to act

out in public.

Listen, you keep talking like that, I'll put my foot right in your... All

right, gentlemen, come in, please.

Have a seat.

Well, did you have an enjoyable flight?

Yeah, it was Pop's first flight, but everything turned out all right. Oh, Mr.

Stanford, how did you like it?

It was all right, but I spent most of the time in the toilet.

Oh, were you ill?

No, I just got done, and I was on my way out, and the sign said, return to seat,

so I sat back down.

We tried to get here as soon as possible, Mr. Minton. I hope we're not

No, no, no, you're just fine.

Mr. Sanford, your uncle must have thought a lot of you to entrust this

responsibility to you.

Yeah, poor Uncle Leotis.

We got to give Uncle Leotis a real nice send -off. Nothing but the best.

Can we see him?

In a minute, Pop.

What about the arrangements, Mr. Minton? Well, since I wasn't sure when you'd

arrive, I took the liberty of inquiring into suitable arrangements.

I was sure you'd want your uncle interred as expeditiously as possible.

Yeah, and we ought to try to get him buried, too.

I beg your pardon?

Nothing. You did the right thing.

Yes. Well, I've itemized a list of things like the burial plot, coffin,

headstone, mortuary fee, with all the prices, of course. And if these meet

your approval, we'll have them confirmed and set by tomorrow afternoon.

Copper -colored coffin, cement, marble, headstone.

Uncle Leotis always was a sharp dresser.

Can I take a look at that, Doc?

Yeah, everything seems to be in order. Good, good.

In that case, then, it's just a little matter of a check. Your uncle's gift to

you. Yeah, just think, this will be the last thing I ever get from Uncle Leotis.

Thank you.

And thank you, Uncle Leotis, wherever you are.

Mr. Sanford, if you'll just endorse the check over to me, I'll take care of

everything.

Thank you.

I'll just take this into my secretary, and then we can get right off to the

funeral home. No, wait a minute.

I thought you were going to cash this check.

Cash it?

No, didn't the man that contacted you in Los Angeles explain the situation?

Yeah, he said, I need $1 ,500 coming.

And if you ain't going to cash the check... Just give it back to me, and

catch you when I get back home at the liquor store where I trade.

I'm afraid you've been misled. You see, this money wasn't intended for you to

keep. It was intended for you to use for your uncle's funeral.

What? What are you talking about, Mr. Menon?

I'm talking about your uncle's will, and this is in accordance with it. Yeah,

but after we get finished paying for all of this, we'll barely have enough left

to cover the price of the plane ticket.

Well, this is all your uncle left, and he wanted his favorite nephew to use it

for his funeral.

I'm glad that you wanted the very best for him because that's exactly what I

got. The very best.

Excuse me, will you?

You pay that?

Please go all the way here from St. Louis for nothing?

Come all the way here to St. Louis just to sign a check?

I'd be damned.

Well, I guess it's something we had to do. Come on, Pop. Let's pay our last

respects to your uncle.

I don't want to see that clown.

He had one good eye and that one was sneaky.

Come on, Pop, show some respect. The man just died.

One most ugly person in the world.

And he was ugly.

He looked like a fried monkey in the face.

Had an old peanut -shaped head.

And every time it rained, had a big puddle of water.

She said he was your favorite uncle.

Are you kidding?

I didn't like him or his mama.

Well, there's nothing we can do about the money now, Pop, so just cheer up. At

least you got a chance to take a free trip to St. Louis, man. Cheer up, Pop.

that?

Elizabeth, honey, if a club -footed, sneaky -eyed guy shows up there with

a peanut -shaped head and a puddle of water in the middle of it, that's Uncle

Leo.

Are we going to go through that again, Pop? Now, it was your Uncle Leotis'

request that you take care of the final arrangements.

I could have phoned him those arrangements.

Well, it's already been done, and we're on our way home, so just relax, okay?

Hey, you want to sit next to the window?

I don't want to sit over there. My kind of luck, I'd fall out.

Say, I smell chicken.

Hey, maybe we're going to have chicken for dinner.

Oh, no.

This is probably what you smell.

Tell me you still got these chicken wings. I'm going to ring for the

and have her throw these out.

No, don't do that. You might get hungry on the way home from the airport.

Yes, may I help you?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Are you Jackie?

No, I'm Wendy. Do you want to see Jackie?

Jackie's on this flight here? Yes, she is.

Jackie? You hear that?

Jackie's on this plane here.

I've been trying to find her all the time.

Jackie's on this plane. Hi, I'm Jackie.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.