Original subtitles

Say, I'm sorry about the movie, Donna, but I thought PG meant pretty good.

No, PG means they suggest parental guidance.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'm an orphan.

It did have a lot of sex and violence in it. Yeah, you know, in the old days,

they didn't mix it up like that. See, if you wanted violence, you went to see

James Cagney or Humphrey Bogart. And if you wanted sex, you went home.

The old movies?

Yeah, me too. You know, like Mickey Rooney and Love Finds Andy Hardy.

If they made that same movie today, they'd have to call it Love Finds Andy

Naked.

Is it getting late?

No.

As a matter of fact, I was wondering if I had time to come in for a minute.

You mean come in the house?

May I?

Yeah, sure.

And Donna, that movie didn't give you no idea, did it?

Fred!

No, come on in, honey.

Yeah, well, this is wonderful.

Hey, you know, hey, look.

All the light's out.

I guess Lamont went to bed early.

And we had the front room all to ourselves.

And Donna, you don't think I'm a dirty old man, do you?

No, Fred. I don't think of you as old at all.

Come on.

Surprise!

Hey, we surprised you, didn't we? You almost surprised me to death.

This is just wonderful. All my friends and loved ones remembered my birthday.

That's just crazy.

Hey, you were there on this, weren't you? Of course I was.

You son of a gun, you.

I should have known that you had set me up for this. That's why you wanted to

come in now. Happy birthday, Fred.

Hey, that's just wonderful.

I mean, you know, all your friends here.

That's just great.

Hey, wait till you see your present, Pop.

Oh, you don't have to give me no present, son.

Just having all my friends here together, that's present enough for me.

Where'd you get me?

It's a pool table.

Hey, of course it's a pool table, and it's all yours. Sir, this is great. This

is the best present you could give me.

I mean, I slept on them, and I played on them, but I never owned one.

Here you go, Pop. Your own personal cue stick.

Hey, you remembered everything.

Well, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it right. Hey, why

don't you shoot a game, Pop? Yeah, sir. I sure will.

Thanks. That's what I'm going to do. Hey, fellas, get ready for some real

shooting now.

This is your table, Fred. We'll let you break them. Yeah, because it might be

the last. Last time you touched the balls tonight.

Listen, Brady, I whipped you like I was your daddy.

Okay, y 'all heard him.

All right, I got him first. Get on down there and break the ball. Excuse me.

Excuse me a minute, honey.

I won't be but a minute. And you can watch me if you want to.

It won't take me long. I just want to show the fellas a few trick shots that I

learned from Minnesota Fat Dog.

Come on, break, Brad. You can't toss the balls into the bucket. Five dollars a

bet. Bet.

Yeah, I think so. Now I won't have to worry about Pop when I go out at night.

You're a good son, Lamont.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, so you're still at it, son?

Yeah, son.

Watch this shot.

Hey, you're getting good.

Yeah, I've been practicing all day.

Son, I don't know how to thank you for this pool table.

You're a good son, Lamont. Yeah, I think so.

Hey, Pop, I'm glad you're enjoying the table, but I hope you're not going to

it keep you from doing your work around here.

No, no, no. I've been coordinating all day.

And I also hope that you pick something to eat, man, because I'm starving.

I've been cooking all day.

Food's in the oven. And while you're in there, I'll get you a beer out of the

refrigerator.

I don't miss that shot. It's my main shot.

Say, what's this?

Uh, well... It's called executive privilege.

But if you saw me move the ball, it's called cheating.

Pop, I'm not talking about pool. I'm talking about this creature from the

Lagoon.

Hey, that's one of them frozen dinners. It's burnt.

Now, I know why it's burnt. It's burnt because you're too busy out here playing

pool to look after it. Go ahead, admit it.

I ain't admitting nothing. Who do you think you are, Sam Urban?

Would you get that, son? I'm going to see if I can make this shot.

Hey, let's get it on.

Let's get it on.

Hey,

how you doing?

Lamont?

Lamont?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, move over, Buzzard, and let a man who knows how to play play.

Move me over, chump.

All right, get ready, Freddy, because I got some trick shots you ain't seen

before. They used to call me Shady Grady. And when Grady gets through with

it's my turn. I can roll you big fat guys up into one big round ball and use

for a cue stick and beat both of you.

What's the matter?

Wait a minute, fellas. Wait for me.

Now, look, how long are these guys going to be here anyway?

I guess they'll be here until they leave.

Hey, all right. Now, y 'all watch this. Hey,

Fred, are you playing?

Now, come on over here, will you please?

Hello?

Yeah, just a minute.

Leroy? What?

You're wanted on the telephone.

Well, can't you take a message?

Would you get over here and answer this phone?

Now, listen, Leroy, I gotta make a very important phone call. Now, would you cut

this short? Just make it quick. Well, let me see who it is first.

Hello?

Would you excuse me, Lamont? This is private.

Now, what was you saying, man?

Hey, uh, hey, where's this guy?

Hey, still, still, will you take your belly off the table?

Just take your belly off the table.

You don't need to put a cue ball in your navel.

Who's in the bathroom?

Who's in the bathroom?

Bubba's in the bathroom. Well, I hope he's not going to be in there long

I've got to shave.

Well, I think you had to wait a while because you took the magazine with you.

Hey, did you get that, son? Get that for me. It's my shot now.

Oh, hi, Johnny. Come on in. Good evening, Lamont. Say, did you have a

Pop today?

Why, yes. Didn't he mention it?

No, and I hope you're going someplace where you can take a pool table.

Oh, he's really enjoying it, isn't he? Yeah, he'd rather shoot pool than sleep.

Well, at least you know your money was well spent.

Fred? You big... I didn't know that was you.

I didn't see you come in.

Who about to wait, Fred? No, no, wait a minute. I'll get that shot over again.

She made me miss. You missed. You missed.

Fred, I came over here to see you. We had a date. Don't you remember?

Yeah. Come here, Donna. Come here a minute.

Excuse me a minute, fellas.

Leroy.

I'm talking to Detroit.

Uh -huh. You'd better get dressed if we're going out.

Where are we going tonight?

Going? We're here.

Here? The kitchen?

Fred Sandford, I did not get all dressed up to come over here to sit in the

kitchen. Well, I just can't up and run away from my friend. That'd be ill

-mannered. Well, what about me?

Well, I ain't gonna run away from you either. But how are you gonna manage

Well, that'll be easy. See, I'll go in there with them, then I'll come back in

here and visit with you.

Excuse me a minute, darling. I'll be back in a minute.

Sit down, honey.

Sit down.

Hey, sir.

Hey, listen to my... Talk to Donald.

Talk to Donald for me. Talk to us, sir.

I'm beginning to see what you mean.

Yeah, he's turning this house into a pool room. I can't even shave in my own

bathroom, and I got a date coming over here in a few minutes. You, uh, gonna

shave in the kitchen?

I got to.

Bubba's upstairs in the bathroom, and he's got the Christmas issue of Ebony

magazine.

become obsessed with that pool table.

We had a date tonight, but if it's going to be like this, I don't know.

Yeah, well, I know.

It's either us or that pool table.

What do you mean?

That pool table has got to go.

See, darling, I didn't forget our date.

I got to go, honey.

Wait a minute.

See, I'll do that to you, but I won't do that to them. You know what I mean?

I'll be right back. Just keep puckered, and I'll be right there.

Talk to you in a minute.

Talk to you later.

Say, don't you hear the phone ringing?

Yeah, son.

Why don't you get there? I'll see if I can make this shot.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Donna. Just a second. Hey, Pop, it's Donna.

Tell her I'm indisposed.

He says he's too busy playing pool to be bothered with you.

Just tell her I'll call her back in a minute, dummy.

He said he'll call you back later, Donna.

Look, don't worry about a thing. I know how to put a stop to this.

Okay.

Hello?

No, I'm not accepting no charges from no Cha -Cha Hogan in Detroit.

Leroy don't live here.

Hey, Lamont, why is this shot here?

Yeah, you're becoming a regular Central Avenue fat.

You're a good son, Lamont.

You're a good son.

I think so.

Would you get the door, good son?

Who wants to play devil one?

Anybody want to win?

Okay. All right, let's take off where we left off last night.

You didn't get beat bad enough last night, huh, Grady? You were just lucky

night. What do I mean, lucky?

Grady, I could beat you blindfolded, one arm tied behind me and the other one in

the cast, wearing army shoes in the hospital, having an emergency

a few snacks for your friend. A few snacks? Yeah, a few snacks.

Hey, fellas, look here. When that runs out, there's more in the kitchen.

Hey,

and there's some booze in the cabinet.

Listen, what's the matter

with you giving away all my food?

Pop, if you're going to have friends over here, you've got to give them a

something to eat.

Not them friends.

Them bellies are...

You never saw me that.

Every time the elbow bend, the mouth fly open.

Son, they are dangerous.

Pop, Jesus fed the multitudes with four fish and a loaf of bread.

But he couldn't feed that bunch with four whales and a truckload of bread.

That was a nice snack, Lamont.

You got any toothpicks?

No, we ain't got no toothpicks. We ain't got nothing. Oh, that's all right.

Never mind.

Lamont, you're going to eat my broom.

Hey, Pop, look, I got to run down to the supermarket and get some more

refreshments. Let me have five dollars.

Five dollars for what?

For some more refreshments for your friends.

Hey, all y 'all coming back tomorrow, aren't you? I ain't leaving.

Well, you better make it ten, Pop. Come on, let me have the money.

You know, somehow this ain't working out the way I thought it would.

Here. I think it's working out fine.

Hey, Fred, you out of scotch?

You out of your mind.

I had an old bottle of scotch.

Huh? I had an old bottle of scotch in that cabinet.

That's what I'm saying.

But now, you out.

Hey, Grady.

Come here, Grady. It's you, sir.

Oh, my Grady.

Grady, I can talk to you. See, you're my friend, and I can talk to you. You

ain't one of them eaters.

Grady, don't suck your teeth while I'm talking to you.

Grady, I got to get rid of that damn pool table.

Why?

Why? I can't keep filling them big bellies up every night.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid when they finish eating all that, they're going to start putting

and pepper on my furniture.

Brady, don't suck your teeth, please.

Have a straw, Brady.

Have a bunch of them, Brady.

But don't suck your teeth while I talk.

Did you bring it? Yeah, he's right outside.

Dummy, you wake the other dummy up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, remember, we got to be quiet. Now, come on over here and get the table

outside. Okay, open the door.

Wait, fool, wait.

I thought you said you was in a hurry.

I am in a hurry, but I'm not trying to break the sound barrier.

Now let's try it again and take it easy.

Wait, wait.

What's wrong now?

It ain't going to have to do at this angle. Move yours counterclockwise.

Counter who?

It ain't going in this way.

Turn it over on the side.

And don't drop it. All right.

Easy.

Okay.

Now, come on. All right.

Well, it ain't going that way either, Fred. The legs are too long.

Listen, did y 'all have as much trouble getting it in here? No, it was easy.

We did it like this.

Fred, meet, uh, uh, uh... Otis, man. Yeah.

Meet, uh, Otis. Hiya, Fred.

Shh.

Hey, hey. What's wrong? Ain't nothing wrong.

Listen, here's the pool table Grady was telling you about.

Grady said it was a good table.

It's used, isn't it? Yeah, it's used.

A table like this in the store costs you 200 bucks. What do you want for it?

200 bucks.

I thought you said that's what it would cost in the store.

What do you think I'm running here, a taco stand?

Maybe we better forget it. Wait a minute.

Give me $100.

I'll give you $75.

$90. $75.

$80. $75.

Wait a minute.

$75? Why don't you say it on the first page? Give it here.

He thanks a lot for helping me get rid of the pool table.

You know, I'll miss that pool table. I had a lot of good times on it. Yeah.

Say, Fred, how are you going to give the money back to your son without him

knowing that you sold the table?

I ain't going to give it back to him.

But he paid for the table.

Who he buy it for?

For you.

Who got the money?

You got it.

Case closed.

Fred, that don't sound right to me.

Well, you can go now, Greeny. I can handle it from here.

All right. And watch yourself. Be careful. All right. Take it easy, Fred.

night now.

Oh, yeah. Okay, hold up.

What were you doing down here this time of night alone anywhere?

Oh, son, I couldn't sleep.

So I came down here and shoot a little pool.

And then these guys bust through the door. And what did you do? I just fought

them, son. You should have saw me.

I fought them. You mean to tell me you fought five guys by yourself? Yeah, it

must have been the tiger in my blood.

See, they had me back up against the wall.

I was back up against the wall.

And I saw you with those feet in my hand.

You know, like that dude on Kung Fu.

And that's the only thing that saved them.

Pop, why didn't you call me sooner, man? If the two of us had been down here

fighting, maybe we could have saved the pool table. The action was too heavy for

a youngster.

Pop, you could have been killed.

Slaughtered. But I didn't think about that.

I thought about it. I just felt like an eagle protecting his nest.

Well, the important thing is that you're all right, Pop.

I'm fine, John. Okay, let's go back to bed.

Yeah, let's... Hey, wait a minute.

What's that?

It's money.

It's not mine. It's not yours. You know what I think, Pop? I think during the

fight, one of the burglars dropped this out of his pocket.

$75.

You know, that's just what I paid for the pool table.

You know what that means, don't you, Pop? Yeah, somebody's going to be crying

about sending that out.

No.

That means that we broke even. We really didn't lose anything.

We didn't? No.

You know, somehow I feel a definite sense of loss.

See, what's that? Is that you I smell?

Yeah, you like it?

Know what it is?

Lysol?

No, it's a new cologne called Savage Beast.

Well, who are you going out with tonight, anyway? A water buffalo?

No, I got a date with Donna. Come over here and sit down, son, because she's

going to be here in a minute.

And it's something I want to talk to you about before she gets here.

Now, look.

I'm out of a birthday present, and I think I ought to get something.

So what you want, another pool table?

No, not that.

Then what?

Well, cash is always nice.

Cash? Yeah, you know, like that cash them burglars dropped on the floor?

Hey, Pop, that was house money. Now, I found that money in the house. It's

money. Yeah, but I ain't got no birthday present.

Shouldn't I get something?

Well, since it was your birthday and your present, I guess you're entitled to

the money.

Thank you. Thank you, Lamar.

That's Donna Knott. Ain't you got nowhere to go? Why don't you try to make

yourself scared?

No. You ain't got nowhere to go?

Go somewhere.

Donna. Hello, Fred.

Hi, honey. Hello, Lamar. Hello, Donna.

Uh, that's good, darling, too.

Hey, listen.

How should we start the evening? You want to begin by watching a little

Cronkite?

Television? But I thought we were going out to dinner and then to a movie.

Well, you know those restaurants are so expensive and cost so much to go to the

movie. Well, what difference does it make with all that money you got?

What money?

Oh, you didn't know?

No.

Pop just recently fell into 75 hours.

to $75?

Well, come on. Let's go out and celebrate.

Come on.

I hope you fall into something, dummy.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.