All language subtitles for sanford_son_s03e06_fred_the_reluctant_finger_man

Folks, in the story of Minnie the
Moocher, she was a low -down hoochie

She was the roughest, the toughest
friend.

And Minnie had a heart as big as a
whale.

Hotty, hotty, hotty, hot.

Hotty, hotty, hot.

Ho, dee, ho, dee, ho.

Ho, dee, ho, dee, ho.

Hello,

son. I was doing Cab Calloway.

He was good. And good looking, too.

His hair was dyed and fried and made to
the side.

Hey, I bet you don't know what this is.

Paint remover?

No, it's something you eat.

Oh, stomach remover.

You keep talking like that and I ain't
gonna give you none.

See, this is a special blend of Swiss
cheese and guacamole.

I call it holy moly.

How'd you ever come up with a
combination like that?

It's from an old recipe book handed down
through generations of Santas. See,

you're supposed to serve it with sautéed
mule spleen.

There's no such thing.

Maybe that's why they passed it down.

I couldn't find no mule spleen, so I'm
serving it with potato chips.

Taste it. Oh, no, you laughed at it.

I didn't laugh in it. You always laugh
in the stuff you make. Well, I didn't

laugh in the holy moly.

All right, then you sniffed in it. It's
just as bad.

I didn't laugh in it, and I didn't sniff
in it. Now, here, taste it. But that's

too much. I can't eat all that. Yeah,
taste it. Oh.

Hey, that's not bad, but how come you
made so much?

Oh, this ain't much. This is just enough
to last for about two and a half hours

straight through the movie we're going
to watch tonight.

You know that movie, The Mushroom People
Meet the Monsters from Mars?

See, that's that movie where the people
eat mushrooms and two hours later, they

turn into mushrooms.

And then another part is when the
monster from Mars is driving all around

to find out where the mushroom people
are living because he got a tank full of

oil and vinegar dressing.

I know, Ponce, that was... It's a good
movie. No, no, that's not what I want to

say. I've seen it seven times. I know.

See, it was a great movie, Pop, but I
don't want to see it again. You don't?

What do you want to watch? You want to
watch wrestling?

Oh, you want to watch a roller derby or
Revanite?

Pop, I don't want to watch no TV at all
tonight. And besides, I'm not even going

to be here. That's what I've been trying
to tell you.

Julio wants to shoot some pool tonight,
and he asked me if I'd go with him, and

I told him, yeah.

You promised me you'd go watch the
mushroom people with me.

I know I did, Pop, and I'm sorry, but
Julio asked me, and I told him I'd go.

What's more important, you going to
shoot pool or sitting here watching

people with me? I mean, what if
something happens while you're gone?

You know, with my bad heart and my
arthritis.

Pop, every time I want to go out with
Julio and have some fun, you always say

the same thing. What if?

Now, I'm going out and shoot pool with
Julio tonight, and that's all there is

it. And I'm going in here and make me a
sandwich.

Wait a minute, son.

Wait a minute.

I want to tell you something.

You don't know like I know.

See, what you got to do is stop hanging
out with Julio so much. Why?

Because you might pick up some of his
bad habits.

What bad habits?

Well, haven't you noticed how you talk
funny?

Pop, that's an accent. He speaks English
with a Spanish accent. So what?

That's all the more reason why you
shouldn't hang out with him. Because

going to be talking just like him. It's
bad enough listening to Julio talk with

an accent, but you with an accent, that
would be ridiculous.

Instead of saying shoes, you'd be saying
chews. I'm going to put on my chews.

Yeah, well.

I wouldn't worry about it, Pop, because
once you talk English good, can't nobody

change you.

And that's another reason, too, that you
shouldn't hang out with Julio. See,

because Puerto Ricans are social
climbers.

And Julio got to be in awful bad shape
to pick you to climb with.

Why don't you just come on out and admit
it, Pop? The only reason you don't want

me to be friends with Julio is because
you're prejudiced.

Well, it's not prejudiced as much as I'm
against people that aren't American.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Un -American. Like Americans have pet
dogs.

Julio got a pet goat.

If Julio is American, how come he ain't
got a pet dog?

Well, how come you don't have a pet dog?

Are you kidding? And letting me mess up
my good imitation Persian rug?

Why don't you just stop it? I ain't
stopping nothing. I'm just telling you

truth.

Don't finger my bologna.

First you sniff in the dip and now you
flap my bologna.

Well, how are you going to flap it
unless you finger it?

If it needs fingering, I use my own.
Now, if you finger somebody else's

you should eat it.

Really? That's right.

Well, if you say so.

Give me my salad.

Hey, Mr. Sanford, Lamar and I are going
to choose some pool, man.

Could you say that again?

I said, Lamar and I are going to choose
some pool.

You hear that, Lamar?

You and Julio are going to choose some
pool.

Man, if you're going to choose some
pool, you ought to go put on your new

Hey, my father, man.

That's really nice. You got some new
shoes?

Why don't you go with us, man? No, no,
no, no, no. He doesn't want to go.

How do you know I don't want to go?

You've got heart trouble, remember?

That's all the more reason to do some
food playing before the big one hits.

You also have arthritis.

Yeah, but when arthritis hits me, it
bends its finger down to little people,

I just slide the cue stick in there.

Come on, man. Let's go. See you later,
Mr. Simon. That's right.

Go on and leave and have fun.

Leave old people to live alone in fear
with their bad hearts.

Making bones and worn out bodies.

Everything is worn out on you except
your mouth.

Everything is worn out on me except
this.

I'll give you some of this across your
lips.

I hope when you're shooting, you miss.

goat again i don't want to have any kind
of trouble around here all right mr

goat that's all she wrote i'm gonna tie
you up and throw the knot away

hey hey what you two guys doing

over there none of your business old man
listen i'm making my business what are

you doing over there like they say in
washington you don't know

I'll come over there and teach you guys
something.

I've got something pointed right at you
that says you can't.

Class dismissed.

Well, what did they take, Julio? Oh,
lots of stuff, man. Right out of my jar,

man. My tools, my electrical equipment,
my, my, oh, everything, man. They took

it all.

And the worst part of it, man. Y eso sí
que me cae como un pulgante, man. Se

llevaron a Chico. They stole your goat?
Yeah.

That's terrible, Pop. And you slept
through that whole thing?

I didn't say I slept through the whole
thing. Well, if you didn't sleep through

it, tell us what you heard. Yeah, and
what did you see, Mr. Sanford? Did you

them take Chico?

I didn't know they were taking Chico.
Yeah, but did you see who broke into my

place? Yeah, I saw him and I talked to
him.

Well, if you saw him and talked to him,
tell us what happened, Pop.

Well, I heard this noise in the yard,
and I ran out there and saw these two

guys, and I said, hey, what you doing
over there?

And one guy said, you don't know, and
you don't want to know.

Oh, man. But, Mr. Sanford, did you get a
good look at them?

Yeah, I got a good look at them.

Do you think you could recognize them if
you saw them again?

Sure, I can recognize them.

Yeah, man, that's fantastic.

I got a witness.

I'm going to call the police and tell
them I got a witness. You know, if we

a witness, Pop, they'll be able to get
Julio's goat back real soon. You know,

that's good. Good.

That's fantastic. Hello, police.

Yeah, this is Julio Fuentes. Yeah, I
called you before about the robbery.

Yeah, right, right. Listen, I got a
witness.

Yeah, a man saw the crooks and he can
identify them for you. Yeah, here, I'll

let him talk to you.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Pop. Take the phone. Tell the
cops what you saw.

I ain't getting involved in this.

Come on, man. Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding. I didn't see
nothing.

You said you saw and heard everything.

Listen, to the best of my recollection,

At this point in time, forget it.

I'm done.

Look, Pop, all you got to do is describe
those guys to the police. If you

identify them, man, they're going to go
to jail.

Yeah, and they go to jail and have more
time to think of what they're going to

do to me when they get out.

But we got to do something.

Well, do like I do.

Live and let live.

I've been doing that all my life.

Living and letting.

And the more you let, the longer you
live.

I don't understand that part of the
story.

Hey, Mom, what's happening?

We saw your lights and we figured Julio
was over here. We're responding to the

alleged burglary at the, uh... the
Fuentes residence. No, no, look, it's

alleged, man. My goat was robbed. Easy,
easy, Caballero.

has become aware of the theft. When I
got home tonight, Chico was not there to

meet me. And he's always there when I
come home. Well, he wasn't there. I went

outside to meet up Chico. Por favor,
senor.

Could you, uh, could you say Habla a
little slower?

Look, my goat was stolen.

Goat was stolen.

Face me with it.

Would it make a difference if we had a
witness?

Well, it might make all the difference.
You got a witness? We sure do. Pop!

Pop, look.

Mr. Samford, please. You saw the whole
thing. Please, tell them what happened,

huh? Tell them what you saw.

Hey, what'd you see, friend? Yeah,
what'd you see?

We'll handle the interrogation, son.
This is our territory.

Uh, what did you see?

Two guys heard this noise. I heard
someone out in the yard. And these two

out there say, what are you guys doing
out there? And one of them said, you

don't know, and you don't want to know.

And if you know me, you know that's all
I know.

You know?

What'd it look like, Fred?

I don't know.

But you said you knew, Pop.

I know, but now I don't know.

Come on, Fred, tell us. Now, if it's a
gang operating in the neighborhood, next

time it could be you, you know?

I know, and if I tell them, I'm making
sure that would be me.

You know it's your duty to tell. That's
right, Mr. Sanford, and you don't have

anything to worry about. The law will
protect you. The law is always around.

Well, where was the law when you were
robbing Julio Young?

Do you know?

No, I don't know.

But let me put it another way. No, wait,
please. Let me.

Mr. Sanford, please, look. Put yourself
in my position, huh?

Think of how you would feel if you had a
dog.

A dog that loved you, one that gave you
affection and comfort, and asked for

nothing in return but the chance to show
you that love and affection.

And then one day, pfft, gone.

And your dog is gone. He has been
stolen.

Hombre, I mean, wouldn't that break your
heart?

That's why I don't handle dogs.

Well, let me put it another way, Mr.
Sampson.

You'd be doing those criminals a favor
by turning them in.

A favor? That's right. You'd give them
the opportunity to be rehabilitated.

And you'd give me the opportunity to be
decapitated.

Okay, Fred, we get your message. But if
you change your mind, give us a call.

See you later. Come on, Hobbit.

Mr. Stanford, I just have one thing to
say. I'm very, very disappointed.

Yeah, and that goes double for me
because you're the one who's always

around here spouting the golden rule.
Yeah, that's right. You know, my Bible

says do unto others as you would have
others do unto you.

And my Bible said, don't do unto others
if they ain't done unto you, because you

might get done in doing it.

How can you live with yourself?

Same way I live with myself when you
leave me all alone.

I have to look out for myself, and
that's what I'm going to do now.

I'm going upstairs and get me some
beauty sleep.

And when I was a kid, you was the one
that always taught me to love thy

neighbor. I didn't know the neighborhood
was gonna change this fast.

What

kind

of fool am I?

Oh, hi, Smitty.

Oh, yeah, hold on a second. I'll see.

Hey, Pop?

Yeah? Smitty on the phone. He wants to
know if you'll come down to the station

house. He's got some guys he wants you
to look at.

What kind of fool am I?

Did you hear what I said, Pop? What
should I tell him? He's waiting.

Maybe you didn't hear me the first time.

I said it as clear as I could.

What kind of fool am I?

Hello, Smitty?

No, he's not going to do it. Okay, I'll
keep trying. Bye.

you mind about identifying those guys to
the police, are you? Nope.

Well, can't you see how upset this whole
thing has made Julio, Pop?

Look, son, into each life's rain must
fall.

Better let it fall on wheels.

Eat your breakfast, son.

Okay, but, uh, why don't you go get the
newspapers?

One newspaper coming up.

What kind of lips are these?

The truck? Somebody stole the truck.

Oh, no. Oh, my business.

I think I'm going to have a big one.

Hey, Smitty was right, man. There's
probably a whole gang of them working in

this neighborhood.

But if they stole the truck last night,
they had to make some noise. Now, did

you hear anything?

I didn't hear nothing. Well, maybe Julio
heard something. I'll see.

Hey, Julio!

That's what they took, huh?

What do you mean, that's what they took?

You heard them? Sure, I heard them,
yeah. I should have suspected when I saw

them. You saw them?

Sure, I saw them right here. And I said
to them, what are you doing, Mr.

Sanford? Get out of there. What are you
doing there? And they said, you do not

know and you do not want to.

That's the same. It must be the same
gang. That's the same thing they told

wasn't it, Pop?

Did you get a look at them, Julio? Sure.
I saw them playing last night. I

recognize them anywhere.

You can recognize them? Sure.

Did you hear that, Lamont? Yeah. Julio
can recognize them? Yeah. That would be

great help to the police. Oh, yes. Wait
a minute. I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, I didn't call the police.

She took my truck.

That's wonderful.

Get it all straightened out. Sure. She
took my truck. Yeah. Julio, I'm glad

you can identify them. That would be a
big help. Oh, yes.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Right away.

Hello?

Police? This is Fred Sanford.

Can you send an officer to me over to my
house?

Somebody stole my truck.

And I got a witness that can identify
him.

Yeah, right away.

Thanks a lot.

What does that mean?

Ah, that is my new motto.

Yo vivo como yo quiero y que el resto
del mundo haga lo que yo quiera.

What does that mean?

I ain't describing nobody.

You got to. You know the guy took my
truck. Yeah, I know.

all that, but they might, if I tell on
them, they might decide to come back and

run me over with it. I don't want to be
run over by a truck, especially a stolen

truck. No, no, no, care about it. No
way.

No, wait a minute. See, if you tell on
them, then they won't have a truck to

over you with.

Yeah, that's true, but you know, maybe
the guys that stole the truck want to

started in junk business.

I mean, I don't want to deprive them of
equal opportunity. You might accuse me

of being prejudiced or something. No,
no, no, Mr. Pepper, no. Wait a minute.

What are you talking about? What are you
talking about?

You didn't identify the guys that stole
my goat. Now, why should I identify the

guys that stole your truck? That's
right. Why should he identify the guys

stole your truck? Yeah.

Well, see, a truck is more important
than a goat. Oh, not to me. Not to him.

And besides, I can haul junk in my
truck. A goat can't do that. Ah, but my

gives me milk, and I can drink it or
make cheese out of it. Now, a truck

do that. Truck can't do that?

Excuse me, is there echo in here?

Now, look, each thing is important in
its own way. Instead of standing up here

arguing about which is more important,
why don't we just wait till the police

get here and you both do some
identifying, and that way we'll get

back where it belongs.

If he will, I will.

I will. Think about it. You're going to
think about it? Yeah. But you know the

guy that got my truck. That's all right.
I'm going to take my time thinking

about it. No, you're not taking your
time. No, I'm not taking my time. No,

not taking my time. Hey, we got this.

Officer Smitty. Officer Hoppy, listen.
I'm glad you got here, because here,

Julio can identify the guy that stole my
truck. Right, Julio?

Not until you identify the guys that
have stolen my goat.

You go first. No, no, no. You go first.
Paul, did you tell them what the guys

looked like that stole Julio's goat?
We'll take it from here, Lamont.

What did the guys look like who stole
Julio's goat?

Well, one guy was tall and skinny and
had on a windbreaker. Another guy was

short and fat and had on a sweater.

You know, that sounds like those two
suspects we apprehended and detained

pending felony charges. You mean you got
the guys that have stolen my goat?

Yeah, and if Fred can put him on the
scene, it's only a matter of time before

get everything back.

Hey, that's fantastic. You hear that? I
want to get Chico back.

Vaya, ahora sí la cosa está buena, man.
Okay, okay, okay.

Now, get to identifying the guy that
took my truck. Well, thanks a lot for

coming, Hoppy. No, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Ain't nobody leaving here until

Julio gets...

is my truck. Well, that is not going to
be necessary, Mr. Sanford. You see, your

truck wasn't stolen.

What? No, I parked it on the other side
of Julio's house. We wanted to teach a

lesson. Yeah, it was just a little
practical joke to show you how it feels

the one who gets robbed.

Looks like they put one over on you,
Fred. Yeah, I guess it all ended in a

laugh.

Even though, you know, these practical
jokes can end in serious

accidents.

Well, looks like we can go, Poppy. Yeah,
we'll scoop you later.

Dig you later. Dig you later. Dig you
later.

Hasta Luigi.

Well, I'm going to go get the truck,
Pop, and I'll be right back.

Hey, Julio, that sure was a dirty trick
y 'all played on me. Oh, no, Mr.

Sanford, we just want to teach you a
lesson, that's all. But believe me, if

anything really happened, I would be the
first one to go to the police and tell

them everything I saw.

Well, I guess I'd do the same thing if
it happened to you.

Let's hope it don't happen no more. Oh,
man, believe me, I could not... Hey,

Pop, guess what?

What? The truck, it was really stolen.

What? Somebody really stole it?

Man, it's a good thing that Mushroom
People movie was on again tonight.

After a day like we had, man, it's good
just to sit home and watch television,

isn't it?

Yeah, after you parked my truck in the
tow air zone and cost me $17 .50 to go

get it, that's about all we can afford
to watch is TV.

I'm really sorry, Mr. Stanford. I'm
sorry it cost you so much to get your

back. Listen, sorry I don't put no money
in my pocket, no food on my table.

Hey, listen, I tell you, I am so happy
to get Chico back. I will pay you the

.50, huh?

Let's have it.

Oh, well, I mean, I can pay you in cash,
but I will pay you $17 .50 worth of

goat's milk.

I mean, you can drink it or make it into
cheese or use it to make holy moly.

The holy moly.

I forgot the holy moly. Hey, the holy
moly!

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for
a live studio audience.