Original subtitles

Folks, in the story of Minnie the Moocher, she was a low -down hoochie

She was the roughest, the toughest friend.

And Minnie had a heart as big as a whale.

Hotty, hotty, hotty, hot.

Hotty, hotty, hot.

Ho, dee, ho, dee, ho.

Ho, dee, ho, dee, ho.

Hello,

son. I was doing Cab Calloway.

He was good. And good looking, too.

His hair was dyed and fried and made to the side.

Hey, I bet you don't know what this is.

Paint remover?

No, it's something you eat.

Oh, stomach remover.

You keep talking like that and I ain't gonna give you none.

See, this is a special blend of Swiss cheese and guacamole.

I call it holy moly.

How'd you ever come up with a combination like that?

It's from an old recipe book handed down through generations of Santas. See,

you're supposed to serve it with sautéed mule spleen.

There's no such thing.

Maybe that's why they passed it down.

I couldn't find no mule spleen, so I'm serving it with potato chips.

Taste it. Oh, no, you laughed at it.

I didn't laugh in it. You always laugh in the stuff you make. Well, I didn't

laugh in the holy moly.

All right, then you sniffed in it. It's just as bad.

I didn't laugh in it, and I didn't sniff in it. Now, here, taste it. But that's

too much. I can't eat all that. Yeah, taste it. Oh.

Hey, that's not bad, but how come you made so much?

Oh, this ain't much. This is just enough to last for about two and a half hours

straight through the movie we're going to watch tonight.

You know that movie, The Mushroom People Meet the Monsters from Mars?

See, that's that movie where the people eat mushrooms and two hours later, they

turn into mushrooms.

And then another part is when the monster from Mars is driving all around

to find out where the mushroom people are living because he got a tank full of

oil and vinegar dressing.

I know, Ponce, that was... It's a good movie. No, no, that's not what I want to

say. I've seen it seven times. I know.

See, it was a great movie, Pop, but I don't want to see it again. You don't?

What do you want to watch? You want to watch wrestling?

Oh, you want to watch a roller derby or Revanite?

Pop, I don't want to watch no TV at all tonight. And besides, I'm not even going

to be here. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Julio wants to shoot some pool tonight, and he asked me if I'd go with him, and

I told him, yeah.

You promised me you'd go watch the mushroom people with me.

I know I did, Pop, and I'm sorry, but Julio asked me, and I told him I'd go.

What's more important, you going to shoot pool or sitting here watching

people with me? I mean, what if something happens while you're gone?

You know, with my bad heart and my arthritis.

Pop, every time I want to go out with Julio and have some fun, you always say

the same thing. What if?

Now, I'm going out and shoot pool with Julio tonight, and that's all there is

it. And I'm going in here and make me a sandwich.

Wait a minute, son.

Wait a minute.

I want to tell you something.

You don't know like I know.

See, what you got to do is stop hanging out with Julio so much. Why?

Because you might pick up some of his bad habits.

What bad habits?

Well, haven't you noticed how you talk funny?

Pop, that's an accent. He speaks English with a Spanish accent. So what?

That's all the more reason why you shouldn't hang out with him. Because

going to be talking just like him. It's bad enough listening to Julio talk with

an accent, but you with an accent, that would be ridiculous.

Instead of saying shoes, you'd be saying chews. I'm going to put on my chews.

Yeah, well.

I wouldn't worry about it, Pop, because once you talk English good, can't nobody

change you.

And that's another reason, too, that you shouldn't hang out with Julio. See,

because Puerto Ricans are social climbers.

And Julio got to be in awful bad shape to pick you to climb with.

Why don't you just come on out and admit it, Pop? The only reason you don't want

me to be friends with Julio is because you're prejudiced.

Well, it's not prejudiced as much as I'm against people that aren't American.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Un -American. Like Americans have pet dogs.

Julio got a pet goat.

If Julio is American, how come he ain't got a pet dog?

Well, how come you don't have a pet dog?

Are you kidding? And letting me mess up my good imitation Persian rug?

Why don't you just stop it? I ain't stopping nothing. I'm just telling you

truth.

Don't finger my bologna.

First you sniff in the dip and now you flap my bologna.

Well, how are you going to flap it unless you finger it?

If it needs fingering, I use my own. Now, if you finger somebody else's

you should eat it.

Really? That's right.

Well, if you say so.

Give me my salad.

Hey, Mr. Sanford, Lamar and I are going to choose some pool, man.

Could you say that again?

I said, Lamar and I are going to choose some pool.

You hear that, Lamar?

You and Julio are going to choose some pool.

Man, if you're going to choose some pool, you ought to go put on your new

Hey, my father, man.

That's really nice. You got some new shoes?

Why don't you go with us, man? No, no, no, no, no. He doesn't want to go.

How do you know I don't want to go?

You've got heart trouble, remember?

That's all the more reason to do some food playing before the big one hits.

You also have arthritis.

Yeah, but when arthritis hits me, it bends its finger down to little people,

I just slide the cue stick in there.

Come on, man. Let's go. See you later, Mr. Simon. That's right.

Go on and leave and have fun.

Leave old people to live alone in fear with their bad hearts.

Making bones and worn out bodies.

Everything is worn out on you except your mouth.

Everything is worn out on me except this.

I'll give you some of this across your lips.

I hope when you're shooting, you miss.

goat again i don't want to have any kind of trouble around here all right mr

goat that's all she wrote i'm gonna tie you up and throw the knot away

hey hey what you two guys doing

over there none of your business old man listen i'm making my business what are

you doing over there like they say in washington you don't know

I'll come over there and teach you guys something.

I've got something pointed right at you that says you can't.

Class dismissed.

Well, what did they take, Julio? Oh, lots of stuff, man. Right out of my jar,

man. My tools, my electrical equipment, my, my, oh, everything, man. They took

it all.

And the worst part of it, man. Y eso sí que me cae como un pulgante, man. Se

llevaron a Chico. They stole your goat? Yeah.

That's terrible, Pop. And you slept through that whole thing?

I didn't say I slept through the whole thing. Well, if you didn't sleep through

it, tell us what you heard. Yeah, and what did you see, Mr. Sanford? Did you

them take Chico?

I didn't know they were taking Chico. Yeah, but did you see who broke into my

place? Yeah, I saw him and I talked to him.

Well, if you saw him and talked to him, tell us what happened, Pop.

Well, I heard this noise in the yard, and I ran out there and saw these two

guys, and I said, hey, what you doing over there?

And one guy said, you don't know, and you don't want to know.

Oh, man. But, Mr. Sanford, did you get a good look at them?

Yeah, I got a good look at them.

Do you think you could recognize them if you saw them again?

Sure, I can recognize them.

Yeah, man, that's fantastic.

I got a witness.

I'm going to call the police and tell them I got a witness. You know, if we

a witness, Pop, they'll be able to get Julio's goat back real soon. You know,

that's good. Good.

That's fantastic. Hello, police.

Yeah, this is Julio Fuentes. Yeah, I called you before about the robbery.

Yeah, right, right. Listen, I got a witness.

Yeah, a man saw the crooks and he can identify them for you. Yeah, here, I'll

let him talk to you.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Pop. Take the phone. Tell the cops what you saw.

I ain't getting involved in this.

Come on, man. Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding. I didn't see nothing.

You said you saw and heard everything.

Listen, to the best of my recollection,

At this point in time, forget it.

I'm done.

Look, Pop, all you got to do is describe those guys to the police. If you

identify them, man, they're going to go to jail.

Yeah, and they go to jail and have more time to think of what they're going to

do to me when they get out.

But we got to do something.

Well, do like I do.

Live and let live.

I've been doing that all my life.

Living and letting.

And the more you let, the longer you live.

I don't understand that part of the story.

Hey, Mom, what's happening?

We saw your lights and we figured Julio was over here. We're responding to the

alleged burglary at the, uh... the Fuentes residence. No, no, look, it's

alleged, man. My goat was robbed. Easy, easy, Caballero.

has become aware of the theft. When I got home tonight, Chico was not there to

meet me. And he's always there when I come home. Well, he wasn't there. I went

outside to meet up Chico. Por favor, senor.

Could you, uh, could you say Habla a little slower?

Look, my goat was stolen.

Goat was stolen.

Face me with it.

Would it make a difference if we had a witness?

Well, it might make all the difference. You got a witness? We sure do. Pop!

Pop, look.

Mr. Samford, please. You saw the whole thing. Please, tell them what happened,

huh? Tell them what you saw.

Hey, what'd you see, friend? Yeah, what'd you see?

We'll handle the interrogation, son. This is our territory.

Uh, what did you see?

Two guys heard this noise. I heard someone out in the yard. And these two

out there say, what are you guys doing out there? And one of them said, you

don't know, and you don't want to know.

And if you know me, you know that's all I know.

You know?

What'd it look like, Fred?

I don't know.

But you said you knew, Pop.

I know, but now I don't know.

Come on, Fred, tell us. Now, if it's a gang operating in the neighborhood, next

time it could be you, you know?

I know, and if I tell them, I'm making sure that would be me.

You know it's your duty to tell. That's right, Mr. Sanford, and you don't have

anything to worry about. The law will protect you. The law is always around.

Well, where was the law when you were robbing Julio Young?

Do you know?

No, I don't know.

But let me put it another way. No, wait, please. Let me.

Mr. Sanford, please, look. Put yourself in my position, huh?

Think of how you would feel if you had a dog.

A dog that loved you, one that gave you affection and comfort, and asked for

nothing in return but the chance to show you that love and affection.

And then one day, pfft, gone.

And your dog is gone. He has been stolen.

Hombre, I mean, wouldn't that break your heart?

That's why I don't handle dogs.

Well, let me put it another way, Mr. Sampson.

You'd be doing those criminals a favor by turning them in.

A favor? That's right. You'd give them the opportunity to be rehabilitated.

And you'd give me the opportunity to be decapitated.

Okay, Fred, we get your message. But if you change your mind, give us a call.

See you later. Come on, Hobbit.

Mr. Stanford, I just have one thing to say. I'm very, very disappointed.

Yeah, and that goes double for me because you're the one who's always

around here spouting the golden rule. Yeah, that's right. You know, my Bible

says do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

And my Bible said, don't do unto others if they ain't done unto you, because you

might get done in doing it.

How can you live with yourself?

Same way I live with myself when you leave me all alone.

I have to look out for myself, and that's what I'm going to do now.

I'm going upstairs and get me some beauty sleep.

And when I was a kid, you was the one that always taught me to love thy

neighbor. I didn't know the neighborhood was gonna change this fast.

What

kind

of fool am I?

Oh, hi, Smitty.

Oh, yeah, hold on a second. I'll see.

Hey, Pop?

Yeah? Smitty on the phone. He wants to know if you'll come down to the station

house. He's got some guys he wants you to look at.

What kind of fool am I?

Did you hear what I said, Pop? What should I tell him? He's waiting.

Maybe you didn't hear me the first time.

I said it as clear as I could.

What kind of fool am I?

Hello, Smitty?

No, he's not going to do it. Okay, I'll keep trying. Bye.

you mind about identifying those guys to the police, are you? Nope.

Well, can't you see how upset this whole thing has made Julio, Pop?

Look, son, into each life's rain must fall.

Better let it fall on wheels.

Eat your breakfast, son.

Okay, but, uh, why don't you go get the newspapers?

One newspaper coming up.

What kind of lips are these?

The truck? Somebody stole the truck.

Oh, no. Oh, my business.

I think I'm going to have a big one.

Hey, Smitty was right, man. There's probably a whole gang of them working in

this neighborhood.

But if they stole the truck last night, they had to make some noise. Now, did

you hear anything?

I didn't hear nothing. Well, maybe Julio heard something. I'll see.

Hey, Julio!

That's what they took, huh?

What do you mean, that's what they took?

You heard them? Sure, I heard them, yeah. I should have suspected when I saw

them. You saw them?

Sure, I saw them right here. And I said to them, what are you doing, Mr.

Sanford? Get out of there. What are you doing there? And they said, you do not

know and you do not want to.

That's the same. It must be the same gang. That's the same thing they told

wasn't it, Pop?

Did you get a look at them, Julio? Sure. I saw them playing last night. I

recognize them anywhere.

You can recognize them? Sure.

Did you hear that, Lamont? Yeah. Julio can recognize them? Yeah. That would be

great help to the police. Oh, yes. Wait a minute. I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, I didn't call the police.

She took my truck.

That's wonderful.

Get it all straightened out. Sure. She took my truck. Yeah. Julio, I'm glad

you can identify them. That would be a big help. Oh, yes.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Right away.

Hello?

Police? This is Fred Sanford.

Can you send an officer to me over to my house?

Somebody stole my truck.

And I got a witness that can identify him.

Yeah, right away.

Thanks a lot.

What does that mean?

Ah, that is my new motto.

Yo vivo como yo quiero y que el resto del mundo haga lo que yo quiera.

What does that mean?

I ain't describing nobody.

You got to. You know the guy took my truck. Yeah, I know.

all that, but they might, if I tell on them, they might decide to come back and

run me over with it. I don't want to be run over by a truck, especially a stolen

truck. No, no, no, care about it. No way.

No, wait a minute. See, if you tell on them, then they won't have a truck to

over you with.

Yeah, that's true, but you know, maybe the guys that stole the truck want to

started in junk business.

I mean, I don't want to deprive them of equal opportunity. You might accuse me

of being prejudiced or something. No, no, no, Mr. Pepper, no. Wait a minute.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

You didn't identify the guys that stole my goat. Now, why should I identify the

guys that stole your truck? That's right. Why should he identify the guys

stole your truck? Yeah.

Well, see, a truck is more important than a goat. Oh, not to me. Not to him.

And besides, I can haul junk in my truck. A goat can't do that. Ah, but my

gives me milk, and I can drink it or make cheese out of it. Now, a truck

do that. Truck can't do that?

Excuse me, is there echo in here?

Now, look, each thing is important in its own way. Instead of standing up here

arguing about which is more important, why don't we just wait till the police

get here and you both do some identifying, and that way we'll get

back where it belongs.

If he will, I will.

I will. Think about it. You're going to think about it? Yeah. But you know the

guy that got my truck. That's all right. I'm going to take my time thinking

about it. No, you're not taking your time. No, I'm not taking my time. No,

not taking my time. Hey, we got this.

Officer Smitty. Officer Hoppy, listen. I'm glad you got here, because here,

Julio can identify the guy that stole my truck. Right, Julio?

Not until you identify the guys that have stolen my goat.

You go first. No, no, no. You go first. Paul, did you tell them what the guys

looked like that stole Julio's goat? We'll take it from here, Lamont.

What did the guys look like who stole Julio's goat?

Well, one guy was tall and skinny and had on a windbreaker. Another guy was

short and fat and had on a sweater.

You know, that sounds like those two suspects we apprehended and detained

pending felony charges. You mean you got the guys that have stolen my goat?

Yeah, and if Fred can put him on the scene, it's only a matter of time before

get everything back.

Hey, that's fantastic. You hear that? I want to get Chico back.

Vaya, ahora sí la cosa está buena, man. Okay, okay, okay.

Now, get to identifying the guy that took my truck. Well, thanks a lot for

coming, Hoppy. No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Ain't nobody leaving here until

Julio gets...

is my truck. Well, that is not going to be necessary, Mr. Sanford. You see, your

truck wasn't stolen.

What? No, I parked it on the other side of Julio's house. We wanted to teach a

lesson. Yeah, it was just a little practical joke to show you how it feels

the one who gets robbed.

Looks like they put one over on you, Fred. Yeah, I guess it all ended in a

laugh.

Even though, you know, these practical jokes can end in serious

accidents.

Well, looks like we can go, Poppy. Yeah, we'll scoop you later.

Dig you later. Dig you later. Dig you later.

Hasta Luigi.

Well, I'm going to go get the truck, Pop, and I'll be right back.

Hey, Julio, that sure was a dirty trick y 'all played on me. Oh, no, Mr.

Sanford, we just want to teach you a lesson, that's all. But believe me, if

anything really happened, I would be the first one to go to the police and tell

them everything I saw.

Well, I guess I'd do the same thing if it happened to you.

Let's hope it don't happen no more. Oh, man, believe me, I could not... Hey,

Pop, guess what?

What? The truck, it was really stolen.

What? Somebody really stole it?

Man, it's a good thing that Mushroom People movie was on again tonight.

After a day like we had, man, it's good just to sit home and watch television,

isn't it?

Yeah, after you parked my truck in the tow air zone and cost me $17 .50 to go

get it, that's about all we can afford to watch is TV.

I'm really sorry, Mr. Stanford. I'm sorry it cost you so much to get your

back. Listen, sorry I don't put no money in my pocket, no food on my table.

Hey, listen, I tell you, I am so happy to get Chico back. I will pay you the

.50, huh?

Let's have it.

Oh, well, I mean, I can pay you in cash, but I will pay you $17 .50 worth of

goat's milk.

I mean, you can drink it or make it into cheese or use it to make holy moly.

The holy moly.

I forgot the holy moly. Hey, the holy moly!

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.