Original subtitles

To be perfectly honest with you, Miss Audrey, I never took astrology serious

until my friend Rallo told me how much you helped him. And I thought maybe you

could do the same thing for me. You see, I'm in a rut. A deep rut.

Well, what do you do, Lamont?

Uh, I'm in commodities.

Oh.

My brother -in -law is in the junk business, too.

What do you want to do, Lamont?

Well, I was hoping I'd know more about that once I find out what my true

personality is.

How do we go about finding that out? Well, I need some specific information.

Do you have a birth certificate I can look at? No, I don't have a birth

certificate, but I've got all the information written down here on this

paper. See, I copied it out of the family Bible.

Let's see.

You were born September 27, 1940.

Right. That makes you a Libran.

And your time of birth is 5 .50 a .m.

That means your rising sign is also Libra, making you a double Libran.

This means that you should strive for harmony and equilibrium.

Peace is the key word for you.

Peace and harmony, or peace of mind, or what? All of that.

I mean, you shouldn't even argue with anyone if you can help it. Not at all.

You don't have to haggle a lot on your job, do you?

No, my problem is more at home with my father.

I got the kind of father that would worry the smile off the face of Mona

Well, you're going to have to find a way to be more agreeable with your father.

Yeah, I wish I knew how. My father, he's always arguing with everybody, and he's

stubborn and contrary, and he's always calling me a dummy.

Up until the time that I was six years old, I thought my name was Dummy

You see, Miss Audrey, my father's getting old, and the older he gets, the

crankier he gets.

Well, you've got a serious problem.

A serious problem.

You're a double Libra.

Libra is the scale, balance, harmony, equilibrium.

If you're constantly arguing, you can't help but be in a rut.

You're living in direct contradiction to yourself.

I am, huh?

Yes. You're never going to get your life together until you start establishing

peace and harmony, especially in your home.

With my father?

With your father.

Lord, give me strength.

It's a real thing this time, isn't it, Doc?

That's why I called the hospital.

Well, I got here as fast as I could.

You know, you look kind of young to be a doctor. You sure you're a doctor?

No, I'm in residence, sir, but I will be a doctor in six months.

Well, I can't wait that long.

You might as well go and finish examining me since you're in my

Where do you feel the pain?

All up and down, doc.

I feel like an elephant standing on top of me with them spiked golf shoes and a

tee off.

It's my heart, ain't it, doc?

Mr. Sanford, relax. Your heart seems to be perfectly normal.

In fact, I'd say that what you have is probably no more serious than the run

-the -mill garden variety gastritis.

It's probably just something you ate.

What did you have for lunch?

I didn't have no lunch, Doug. I was too sick to eat.

Did you have breakfast?

Uh -huh. What did you have?

I had waffles and ham hocks and candied sweet potatoes and peach

cobbler.

And collard greens.

Well, that's a very unusual breakfast, Mr. Sanderson.

A man your age should start off the day with something lighter.

Well, I do.

But see, it was the last of the eight -day -old collard greens.

And I had to get rid of them because they were smelling up the house.

Eight -day -old greens?

Collards.

What you're suffering is severe gas pains and a bad case of indigestion.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Doc?

I mean, you know, like some doctors won't tell a patient how bad off they

And then it's because they don't want to scare them. And the next thing you

know, you go to sleep and wake up dead.

All you have is a very bad stomachache. Now, it should clear up by tomorrow, and

you'll be your old self again.

Thanks, Doc.

Look, just come here a minute, Doc.

Would you like a glass of Ripple before you go?

Ripple? What's that?

What's that? Oh, you got to ask a question.

You couldn't be one of us.

I just thought maybe, you know, you might be trying to pass.

Hey, what's that ambulance over there? Is there something wrong with my father?

Oh, nothing serious.

I'm Dr. Stewart.

You're Mr. Sanford's son? Yeah, yeah. He just has a very bad case of gas and

acute indigestion. Oh.

Seems he ate some eight -day -old collard greens for breakfast, and they

agree with him.

Eight -day -old collard greens wouldn't agree with Superman.

I told him to get rid of them things. They had the whole house smelling like a

potlicker factory.

And he ate them. That was stupid.

Well, look, in any case, he's really not in any mood to be chastised, so it

might be a good idea to sort of just go easy on him. Oh, don't worry. Look,

there'll be no chastisement. You got me at the right time. From here on in,

there's going to be nothing but self -discipline in that house.

Self -discipline and control.

And I've got the discipline to do it.

Oh, that's nice. Are you a Zen Buddhist?

Uh, no. I'm a double Libran Baptist.

Well, anyway, he should just stay off his feet for the next day or two, at

till the stomach problem clears up.

All he probably needs is just one big belch.

Well, is there anything I should do for him?

Just stand back.

Good night.

Hey, Pop, how you feeling?

A little thick, huh? I know. I saw the doctor on the way in and he told me.

He did? What did he tell you? His bad end?

I don't know. Why do you say that?

Why are you smiling at me like Bela Lugosi or something?

Well, can't I smile at my own father?

Well, why are you starting to dance?

It's serious, ain't it?

Look, Papa, if there was anything seriously wrong with you, now you'd know

tell you.

Sure you would.

Just see me suffer.

I don't want to see you suffer. You're my father and I love you. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. No, you don't. If you did, you'd have sympathy pains.

You mean to tell me you want me to be sick just because you're sick?

Yeah. I don't want to suffer all by myself.

A family that's sick together, sticks together.

You know, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. You

you ought to be ashamed of yourself, Pop. And I'm not going to stand up here

and...

There

you go again.

Look like a dragon.

I'm going to go upstairs and put some fresh linen on your bed, Pop.

For what? I just changed it a week ago.

You'll rest better with fresh linen. And as long as I'm going up there, I'll

take the TV set. Might as well be entertained while you recuperate.

Yeah, be entertained while I spend my last days on Earth.

If I die, I hope it's in the middle of a commercial.

You're talking ridiculous, Pop.

Who is it?

It's me, Frank Grady.

Let yourself in.

I just thought I'd stop by since I was passing this way to check you out. Good

googly. What's wrong?

What's wrong with you? You look like you have dead.

I'm a little sick, Granny.

That's why I had a doctor come here a little while ago.

What did he say was wrong with you?

He said too much to me.

But he talked to Lamont out in the yard, and I'm sure he told Lamont the truth.

That's why he came in here acting weird.

And he tried to be nice to me.

I think it's the big one this time, Brady. I think the big one is sneaking

me.

Well, I hope not, Fred. You're one of the few live friends I got left.

Wardell Jackson died last week.

Oh, no.

What was wrong with him?

I don't know. He just dropped dead at the bar.

Hadn't been drinking but an hour.

64, younger than you.

Yeah, I guess I'm living on bar time.

And Lamont knows it, too.

You can tell when your kids start treating you nice like that.

Know where he's at now?

Out buying a black suit?

No, Grady. He's upstairs making up the bed so I can go up there and get some

rest. And Grady, I know if I go up to them stairs, I ain't coming back down no

more. Oh, they'll have to bring you down for the funeral, Fred.

What are you doing talking to me like that when I'm friendly?

I'm sorry, Fred. I wasn't thinking.

Say, where did you say the pain was?

All around in here.

You don't have a bad stiffness in your back, do you?

Yeah, right between my shoulder blades.

Why, Grady? What does that mean?

You got the same symptoms my cousin Charles had.

What did he take for it? His last breath.

laying out in the bed just like that.

Couldn't even get his socks off.

This is it, Brady.

I'm going to walk this last mile, Brady.

It's the only mother time I was rehearsing for this time because this is

one.

Next stop, heaven.

At least I hope it's heaven.

Because if it ain't,

Walking down that other thing.

It's so -so, son.

It's so -so, and that radio ain't helping nothing.

What's the matter? Doesn't it work?

Yeah, it works too good.

Hey, see if you can figure this out for me.

98 .6.

Is that good or bad?

That's normal. 98 .6 is the ideal temperature for your body to be.

For what?

For living.

Oh, that's my mountain, 98 .6.

What about the rest of them?

Look, Pop, I didn't come in here to argue with you or get you upset. I

know if you were comfortable, and I wanted to find out what you want for

breakfast.

Oh, I don't think I'm taking a chance on putting anything on my stomach yet.

Hey, wait a minute. What's that? Don't tell me that's a Bible.

What do you think it is? What's wrong with that?

Nothing. It's just that I ain't never seen you that close to one before.

I ain't never felt this close to the one that wrote it before.

Say, Papa, I know some pictures from you as a lot younger.

Yeah, you know, I just got the urge to look at them. A lot of pictures in here

of me mother.

You know some of these pictures in here over 30 years old?

I sure miss your mama, son.

Yeah, reminiscing can be nice.

It's sort of like watching your life flash before your very own eyes, isn't

Why'd you say that?

What?

Like watching my life flash before my very eyes. I didn't mean nothing by it.

was just making conversation, Pop. I didn't mean nothing by it. Well, if you

didn't mean nothing by it, then why'd you say it, dummy?

Be my lucky spinner.

My last days on earth with a dumb dummy.

Listen, dummy.

Didn't you hear me call you a dummy?

You team dumb know how to get mad when I call you a dummy.

Dummy.

I'm going to see where that is, Pop.

Don't leave me, though, son. I'll be right back. I'm just going to see where

is. Don't leave me.

Just a second.

Just a second.

Oh, hello, Ernest. Come on in. Hello, Lamont.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

I ran into Grady Wilson, and he said that Fred had one foot in the grave and

other foot on a banana peel.

Aunt Esther, the doctor was here and he checked Pop out. He'll be fine in a few

days. Then exactly what is wrong with him? Well, he ate some eight -day -old

collard greens and they didn't agree with him.

Eight -day -old collard greens wouldn't agree with Superman.

Where is he? In the bathroom?

Uh, no, Aunt Esther, he's upstairs in the bedroom. You see, the doctor thought

it would be a good idea if he stayed off his feet until he recuperates. Hey, why

don't you come on up and visit with Pop?

I might as well.

Maybe I'll pray for him. Lord knows he needs me.

Lord, that heathen Fred Sampson, I just don't know.

Lord, save him. I'm saved, son.

Hey, Pop, guess what?

The buzzards are circling over the house.

Nope. They got company.

Oh, no.

The head buzzard is in the house.

Say, Pop, why don't you be nice?

in the mind.

He's gonna have to pay for all his evilness and nastiness.

Vengeance is mine.

There's the Lord.

What you reading, Fred?

I ain't reading nothing. I'm looking at pictures.

Is it one of them naked heat in this women magazine?

No, honest. It's a photo album. Pop's got some pictures in there that would

him before I was born. Hey, he's got some pictures of Mama in there, too.

Oh, are there any of me in there?

I got a few in here with the back of your head thing, doesn't it?

try to get righteous when they think the Lord is about to tap them on the

shoulder.

Listen, if I wasn't so sick, I would give you one of these and cross your

lips.

Who you calling ugly, sucker?

I'm calling you ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make some

gorilla cookies.

I ain't did nothing. She started. All right, then call a truce. I thought you

said you wanted to look at those pictures, Don Esther.

I do.

Oh, there's Elizabeth.

She was the prettiest child my mother had.

She was the only pretty child your mother had.

Hey, Lamar, come here, son.

See, this picture was taken the day you were born.

We celebrated all that week and the week after and the week before.

Look at us, all laid out there drunk.

You were the only one who was drunk, Fred Samson.

You were so drunk they had to give you oxygen that evening to wake you up to

you know Lamont had been born.

You mean you didn't know I was born until that evening?

He couldn't have known.

You wasn't born until the evening.

No, I wasn't.

Lamont, your memory is faulty.

And besides, I should know I was there.

Yeah, but wait a minute. Now, why do you say I was born in the evening?

Because you were. It was almost six o 'clock.

Let me see this article a minute.

There. September 27th, 1945, 50 a .m. Now, that's the morning on Esther. Let

see that.

That's Fred's old scribbling.

Fred, you were so drunk you even wrote down the wrong time when Lamont was

Well, I got the right year and the right date, and two out of three ain't bad.

No, for a drunk. That's pretty good.

Then that means I wasn't born it.

Wait a minute. I'll see you later, Pop. I got to go see a lady about something

really important. Wait a minute, son.

Don't leave me, son.

That's the way they do old Eskimos.

They put them out on a big block of ice and let them float out into the sea

until they freeze to death.

You're going to wish you had a block.

What's the matter?

Look, I know I don't have an appointment, but this is an emergency.

I found out that I was born at 5 .50 p .m. and not a .m. Does that make a

difference? Oh, no. I was afraid of that. It's a wonder you haven't

high blood pressure.

Lamont, that means your rising sign is Aries. It is? Aries rising.

Lamont, you're a born warrior. I am? A general.

Yeah. A commander. I like that.

You should decide on a course of action and then do it. I will. Be assertive.

Don't let any... anyone sway you or talk you out of your ideas.

Hey, you know, I feel better already just thinking about it, Miss Audrey.

That's not part of the service.

Lamont, speaking of service.

Fill me, Mama.

Jive, turkey.

and finished off that potato salad.

Leftovers again, huh? That's it. Get out of that bed.

Huh? The gold -brickin' days is over, Pop. Now get out of that bed.

You wouldn't talk like that to a dying man, would you? No, I wouldn't. No, you

wouldn't talk like that to a dying man. And you're not dying. I'm not gonna

argue about it no more. Now you got five minutes to get out of that bed and get

down in that kitchen and fix supper. And two of them is already gone. Now get

out of that bed. I'm getting out, son.

This is the Lord's day, Fred Sanchez.

No, it ain't. This is Sunday.

This is the day I watch NFL action on TV.

And let me tell you something. If you don't get out in front of my TV, there's

going to be some action in this front room.

You said if the Lord healed you, you'd walk the straight and narrow path.

And it's time to take your first step.

That's because it's Sunday. I'm not going to tell you where I'm going to put

first step.

I'll show you.

Ban for the Sun is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.