Original subtitles

Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news.

I'll give you the good news first.

It won't cost you anything to get this set repaired.

And what's the bad news?

It can't be repaired.

What do you mean it can't be repaired? You're a repairman, aren't you?

All right, then prepare to repair.

The set is old and it's worn out.

I could take it back into the shop, but they'd just have to replace everything.

Well, can you get it back here by the night time for the fight?

Oh, no.

Plus, it's going to cost you almost as much as buying a new set.

Well, it didn't do much good for you to come here, did it?

How'd you get into Yellow Pages? Politics?

Hey, Pop, the man was nice enough to come in here and tell us the truth about

our set. What you getting mad at him for?

I ain't mad, okay?

Hey, wait a minute.

You were nice enough to give me a tip about my TV, so I'm going to give you a

tip. Hey, you got a lot of equipment on that truck, right?

Yeah. Well, here's my tip. Get out of this neighborhood before it gets dark.

I don't worry about that. I'm bonded.

And that's the way they'll find you, bonded and jacked.

Well, what do we do now?

We're going to do something we should have done a long time ago, Pop. We're

going to get a brand new TV set. A brand new one? That's right, man. I'm getting

sick and tired of buying old cheap sets that don't work.

Well, you know, a brand new TV costs a lot of money. Well, not if you get them

on sale, Pop. There's always a TV sale someplace.

Here, look at this.

Donald's Darren Discount holds its once -in -a -lifetime sale.

Oh, I know about Donald's Discount sale once -in -a -lifetime.

You have one every weekend.

Here's a house special, Pop. Neat black and white portable 21 -inch.

with a quality chassis and solid -state silicone rectifiers.

That sounds like Lottie the Body at topless dance in Detroit.

It's set sales for $178.

$178? Yeah, but for the sale, it's been slashed to $158 .49.

That don't sound like no slash. That sound more like a scratch.

You want another, sir? No. See, Pop, we don't have to pay for it all at once. We

can put $50 down and the rest in easy monthly installments.

I got a better idea.

But take that 50 bucks and put it down on a secondhand TV, then we won't have

monthly installments at all.

Hop, I told you I don't want no old secondhand TV.

It's not an old secondhand TV. It's a new secondhand TV.

And just what is a new secondhand TV?

That's the house special at Guy's Groovy Grab Bag.

Guy's Groovy Grab Bag?

Yeah, you got a cash and carry plan.

So you carry in the cash, and then you can carry out the merchandise.

See, they get the merchandise straight from the warehouse to the customer.

Yeah, whose warehouse?

Oh, don't say that. You don't know nothing about it. You don't have no

about it.

And besides, he can sell cheap because he ain't got no overhead.

He sure doesn't. All he needs is a big brick and a strong arm.

You don't know that.

And I don't want to know about it. I don't want to hear no more about it.

I'm going back to work, and when I get home tonight, we're going to go down to

Donald's and get a brand new TV set on time.

I don't want you to get involved in those shady deals, Pop, and I want you

promise me that you're going to stay in this house until I get home. Now, do you

hear me?

I hear you. All right.

I'll stay in here.

I won't go nowhere.

I don't care if you go 15 years. I'll just stay in the house.

I mean, ain't nothing in the world can get me to move out of this house until

you ask me to stay in here.

Nothing. I'll stay in here until I'm positive that you're out of sight.

As soon as I take a shower, we go down to Downs.

So

you

did it, huh?

Guy's groovy grab bag.

Yeah, it's a top quality black and white portable.

Pop, you promised me you wasn't going to get involved in those shady deals.

It wasn't no shady deal. I bought it right out in the middle of the pool

See, I give this guy 50 bucks and he gave me the TV.

Hey, look here.

Look at that, 500 Space Command.

Watch them, watch them channels. You know, when you push it like this, they

start whizzing on by.

Yeah, go ahead and try it. Oh, no, you're not conning me into going along

this. Now, this is a hot TV, and we're going to take it back and get the $50.

We can't take it back.

What do you mean we can't take it back?

The place ain't there.

What do you mean the place ain't there?

I mean the place is gone.

The place just can't disappear.

This one can.

See, a guy's groovy grab bag is a panel truck.

Yeah, an unmarked one, too, I suppose.

Most exuberantly.

Well, we're gonna go out in the street and look for this guy anyway.

Well, it won't do no good, because you ain't gonna find him.

See, he only come out once a month, and then he never stops in the same place

twice. Then that proves that this is a hot set.

It don't prove nothing.

See, this is not a hot set. It's just, if you mad because I got a nice TV...

50 bucks, then I'll tell you what, then just make believe that it's not a new

set. But, Pop, this is a brand new TV.

Look over here on the side. It looks like somebody's been playing tit -tat

with a carving knife.

That proves it's a used set.

I don't know what you're talking about, man. You might as well face it. That's a

new set, and it's hot. It's a new hot set.

Oh, hello, Grady. Hi, Lamont.

Lamont.

Oh, Grady. I just stopped by to see if we were still going to watch the fights

tonight. Yeah, we're going to watch the fight. And look at what we're going to

watch it on.

Say, now that looks like a real cool set.

Wrong.

Listen, Grady, don't pay no attention to Lamont. Here, looky here.

Look at that nice set.

That's nice. I used to have a set with remote control.

Yeah, and then when you hold it down, look at that, you ought to see them

channels just whiz on through.

Boom, boom. You know what I mean? That's what my set used to do.

Yeah.

And I got fine tuning on there.

My set had that, too.

Yeah, and I got push and pull and off and on switches.

Well, my set did that.

Yeah. And look, look at this fine walnut veneer finish.

Just like my set.

You know what?

This is my set.

What you talking about?

This is my set you got.

No, this ain't none of your set. This is my set.

My set was stolen from my house last week, and this is my set.

You must be crazy, Grady.

They ought to call you Crazy Grady.

It's got everything my set has.

Look here, you look here. You see that scratch on the side that looks like

somebody was playing tic -tac -toe on it with a carving knife?

My set.

No, no, it's my set. It's mine. It's mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.

Mine. Mine.

Mine.

Mine.

Give me my teeth.

You better put that set down.

You give me $50, you can take this set.

Well, I ain't giving you nothing, you stubborn, bullheaded old buzzard.

What's the matter with you? Grady's a friend of yours.

He ain't no friend of mine no more. Well, you ain't no friend of mine no

neither. Look, Grady, look, just go on home and I'll handle this, okay?

You don't have to handle it. I'll handle it. I'll get the law on him. That's

what I'll do. Yeah, you come back here, I'll knock that snuff out your lip.

Now you've

done it.

Grady was one of your best friends.

Good riddance.

Well, you're not rid of him yet, because he said he's going to come back here

with the police.

Oh, he ain't coming back with the police. And what makes you think he

Grady would never call the police.

Grady couldn't call the police.

Why is Grady somewhere not calling the police?

It's simple, Pop. He says that's his TV, and I believe him. All right, let's

assume that this is his TV. Now, not that it is.

But just for the sake of assumption, let's assume that it's his TV.

Okay? Now, we give him the TV back. What about my 50 bucks?

Well, just look on it. It's $50 worth of experience.

Do you believe this has been 50 bucks worth of experience?

Most exuberant.

Well, I'll tell you what to do. You give me 50 bucks, and you take the

experience, and give him his TV, and everybody be happy.

No, no, no, no, you don't. I'm going upstairs and take a shower, and when I

back down here, we're going to take Grady his television set.

Well, listen, can't we keep it at least until the fight's over?

No.

Anybody could have some scratches on the TV.

See, it look like somebody's been playing tic -tac -toe on the side of us.

Hello, Mr. Samford.

Mr. Sanford, I can tell you what I wanted.

Whatever it is, we ain't got it. No, no, I just want to see Lamont. Oh, that we

got. Maybe too much of it.

Well, listen, man, I just... Lamont invited me over to watch the fights

you know, so I just came over to see what time they start.

There's a great fighter on tonight, man, Porfirio Rios.

Man, he's good.

Well, I just canceled your invitation.

Oh, man.

Listen, why don't you watch the fights on your own TV?

Very simple, man. I don't have a TV.

You don't have TV?

No.

Why don't you have a TV?

They're expensive, man. I can't afford it.

Julio, come in a minute.

Have a seat over there in my chair.

Your chair?

Yeah.

Did you ever think of getting yourself a TV?

Oh, sure, man. I'm going to get one. One of these things you watch.

Look at this, Vanina.

Look at this.

See, you don't even have to get up to change the channel. Hey, that's a good

thing to have, man.

Yeah, well, when were you thinking of getting yourself one? Well, as soon as I

save enough money. I'm saving for one right now. How much have you saved so

Fifty dollars.

Sold.

What?

Sold to the Puerto Rican.

What are you talking about?

I just sold you my step for fifty bucks.

You just sold me your TV set for $50?

Mm -hmm.

What's wrong with it?

Ain't nothing wrong with it. It's just black and white, and we're going to get

color set.

Man, but I am sure you can get more than $50 for this set.

Yeah, I feel that way, too.

But all I need is a down payment on the color set, and I need it right away.

And besides, you're Lamont's friend.

Oh.

But are you sure, Mr. Stanford? I mean, I was thinking of paying at least $200

for a set. Oh, you could pay $200 for a new set, but this is a used set. See,

look over here at them scratches over there on the side.

Oh, yeah.

It looks like someone was playing Tiki -Taki -Toa on it.

Nice, man.

Yeah, well, if it's a deal, give me 50 bucks.

Give me the 50 bucks, and I can get out of town, put it down on the color TV

set, and have it here by the night.

And then that's all I need.

Hey, it's a deal, man.

Hey, listen, that's fantastic.

You got yourself a deal, huh?

Here's the $50 right here, man.

There's $10, $20, $30, and $20 .50.

Yeah. Fantastic.

Look at the set, man.

Hey, listen, if you can get your TV by today, you come over tonight, huh, and

watch the fight. You come and watch Porfirio. Yeah, thanks.

I'll get that door for you. Oh, thanks, man.

Lamont is going to be surprised, huh? Yeah, he'll be surprised all right.

Is he home? Why don't we tell him, huh?

No, no, no. Let him be surprised. Let's go tell him.

This is really nice of you, Mr. Sapo. Gracias.

Hasta luego, huh? Yeah. Hasta luego to you, too.

Hey, Pop!

Dummy. Pop!

What are you doing?

Oh, a little coordinating.

Who were you just talking to? Uh, it was a customer. Oh.

Hey, where's the television set? What happened to the TV?

That's what I sold to the customer.

You sold it? What did you do that for?

Well, I buy and sell junk. But that television wasn't junk.

Sure it was. See, junk is something that you don't want. And you didn't want the

TV, so I made it junk. So I sold it.

What's the matter with you? Do you know what that makes you?

Yeah, even Steven.

That makes you a fence.

Receiving and selling stolen goods makes you a fence.

Nobody proved that that television was stolen. Pop, that set was stolen out of

Grady's house, and you know it. Who says?

Grady says.

I could have said it was mine.

See, that's just hearsay evidence, and that's inadmissible.

Where'd you learn that from, Perry Mason?

No, Watergate.

Well, if you're so sure the set wasn't stolen, why did you sell it?

Because I got tired of listening to all that inadmissible evidence at this point

in time.

You're going to get in trouble, Pop. I don't know what's the matter with you.

You're so upset and you know it was crazy.

I'm back.

Well, how are you?

I told you I was coming back with the police.

Well, here's the police.

Ask me. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me do I see the guilty party in this room.

Yes, I do that. That's him right there.

That one standing right over here.

Well, we may as well get right to the crux of the matter, Mr. Sanford.

We're here to ascertain the veracity of a citizen complaint regarding purloined

property supposedly taken from his premises.

Have you got Grady's TV?

No, I ain't got Grady's TV.

Not now, not ever. Oh, yes, he does. It's right over here. I'll show you.

It's gone.

I didn't hear nothing. You did.

I did. You did. Hold that.

You did, too.

I didn't hear nothing. I said hold that.

What happened, Lamont?

Did Fred hide the TV?

He didn't hide it, Jonesy. He sold it.

Sold it? You sold my TV?

You just said it was your TV. I could have said it was mine.

Well, it was mine.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

Mine. Mine. All right, all right. Everybody hold it down. It was my set.

It was my set. I said hold it down.

Now, who'd you sell that set to, Fred?

Who did I sell it to?

That's right. Who did you sell the set to?

Well, I just buy and sell junk.

I don't just ask people what they're doing and what they're bringing in. I

open my door and start selling. You mean to tell me you can't remember a

customer that was just in here a few minutes ago?

Was he from around here?

No, he was a foreigner.

A foreigner?

That's right. I don't discriminate. I sell to anybody.

Excuse me, everybody.

Look, Mr. Sanford, they said you sold me. I'm having trouble with the remote

control. You sold Julio to Ted? I thought you said you sold it to a

Well, he's a Puerto Rican, ain't he?

Wait a minute, Mr. Sanford. Easy, Caballero.

I'll take this.

Now, look at this. This could be Exhibit A.

Okay, check that out.

How could you do that? How could you sell a set to Julio?

How could I do it? He came in here and wanted to buy a TV, so I sold it to him.

Ain't that right, Julio?

enough trouble in here already.

I don't understand what's going on. Now, whose TV set is this anyway?

Yours. Mine. His.

No, it ain't. His.

His. His.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

His, too.

My set.

Julio, where'd you get this set?

Look, Mr. Stanford sold me that TV set for $50, man. And where'd you get it,

Fred? Uh, I bought it off this guy for 50 bucks.

Grady, where'd you get it? I bought it off this guy for $50.

Guys, groovy grab bag?

How'd you know that?

You've been the victims of one of the scourges of society.

Those who prey upon an unsuspecting public in order to satisfy their

and criminal ambitions.

In other words, you've been torn off.

Ripped off. Ripped off.

Didn't I tell you? Didn't I say this would happen?

Okay, Jonesy, what happens now? Well, we have to work backward.

Now, Fred, you shouldn't have sold this set to Julio. Now, wait a second, man.

If this is a set you're not supposed to sell, I want my $50 back.

That's right, Pop. Give Julio his $50 back. Give him his money.

That's right. Come on, man.

Now,

look here. Julio gave his $50 back.

and I get my TV back. Oh, no, you can't keep that set, Fred. Grady's right, you

can't keep the set, Fred. Yeah, so you can't keep my set.

Thanks, Josie. You can't keep it either, Grady.

What? Well, there's a trademark on the underside of that set which traces it

directly to a commercial establishment known as Damn the TV Man. And Damn the

Man was recently burglarized by persons or person unknown.

Then I'm out of a cent.

And I'm out of 50 bucks.

Look at it this way, Fred.

You're helping the set get back where it belongs.

Dan the TV man will be happy.

Yeah, but Samford the sucker is sad.

Let's go, Hoppy.

Yep, gentlemen.

Time for us to crack.

Split, split. Yeah.

I hope you're satisfied, Grace.

I'm out of here. 50 bucks.

Well, you shouldn't have sold my set.

That wasn't none of your set. It was, too. It was mine. It was mine. It was

mine. It was mine. It was mine.

It was my set. It was my set. Hey,

Julio, what'd you think of

that last round, man? That new car, Jackson, is a bad dude.

Jackson? What are you talking about? He's wearing it instead of our man.

Yeah, he's wearing out his hands on Portfolio's head.

Portfolio? Hey, man, Portfolio. He's just playing it cool, man. You watch.

He's gonna let him tire himself out and then, yeah, pow, man, like dynamite.

Yeah, well, he better hurry up, because he ain't got but three more rounds to do

it, and round eight is about ready to start. That's right, man. We better get

ready. Yeah, hey, Pop, Brady, round eight's getting ready to start. You

get out of here. Pop!

I heard you ain't think we step, dummy.

How many more?

How many more rounds you say we got? There's just three more.

All right.

Stanford & Son is recorded on tape for a live studio audience.