Original subtitles

He said, don't ever do that to me again, Lalo. Hey, man, I am sorry.

You dragged me clear across town and make me spend $5 to see some dumb movie.

Hey, it was supposed to be a skin flick classic.

Yeah, well, it was the worst film I ever seen, man. It was rotten and it was

disgusting. I wouldn't take no girl to see it. I don't know why you took me.

Then how come you wanted to stay and see it twice then?

Well, because I couldn't believe it the first time.

Hey, man, I don't know why we're standing out here. But listen, I should

known better than to go see a flick with a title like Deep Lips.

What are we standing out here arguing for anyway, man? Why don't we go in here

and have a beer?

All right, but from now on, Raul, I'll pick the movies, all right? All right,

all right. I just got to get home, darling. I'm sorry, honey. I have so

do tomorrow. I have to get up and get my fingernail fixed.

Wait a minute, will you?

I have to get ready, Doc. Wait just one minute.

I had a ball, didn't you see?

Come back next time.

Holy smoke.

What is this?

I'm sorry, but I got to take you home, Lucille.

Just early in the evening? What kind of job does this?

I'm sorry, but I got to go by and see a sick friend.

A sick friend?

You ain't never told me about no sick friend.

That's because he ain't sick yet, but he's going to be. Come on.

Get your hands off of me.

I ain't ever going to have to shoot no more than a second.

Well,

you batting a thousand tonight, Ralu.

First, you take me to see a dumb movie, and then you take me into a bar where

everybody's... Thanks a lot. Hey, I didn't know, man. And besides, look at

whole thing as a sort of an adventure, man. Be bold.

That's the first time I've ever been in a bar where all the brothers were

sisters.

Is that all you got to tell me that you saw my son Lamont going to Bobby Rollo?

Wait a minute now, Fred. This wasn't no ordinary bar.

It was a sissy bar.

A sissy bar.

You know, where everybody's... Well, how do you know that?

I looked in, Fred.

And you know something?

There wasn't one chick in the entire place.

Oh, Bubba, you just imagine stuff.

That could have been one of them places where they have tables for the ladies in

the back.

Fred, the name of this place was the Gay Blade.

The Gay Blade?

Yeah, you know what gay is, don't you?

Yeah, I know what gay is. That means happy.

Everybody in the place was, that don't mean that Lamont is.

Well, what was he doing in there then?

They was just looking around.

Him and Rollo do that all the time. Then he comes home, tell me all about it. We

have a big laugh, and that's the end of it.

Well, look, if you see two guys going into a sissy bar, what are you supposed

think? Well, look, Bubba, me and you went into one of them bottomless bars,

didn't we? That didn't mean we stopped wearing pants.

Somebody told me that's catching on.

Oh, Bubba, that's ridiculous. I don't even want to talk to you. You're a

ridiculous old man. I don't want to hear... No, I ain't. No, I ain't. You

I come here today to sit by my own eyes? I don't want to hear nothing about

that. Hey, Pop, hey, Bubba.

What's the matter with y 'all? Oh, nothing.

Nothing wrong.

Say, look, Pop, is there any cold beer in the refrigerator or did y 'all drink

it all?

No, there's some more in the refrigerator.

Oh, good, because I'm thirsty.

Go ahead, ask him. Ask him. Ask him.

Hey, son, did you and Rollo go to the movies like you said you were?

Yeah. Ask him where'd he go after that. Go ahead, ask him.

Where'd y 'all go after that?

Say, what is this, some kind of cross -examination?

After Rollo and I left the movie, we went and had a couple of beers.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep.

Night, Bubba.

Hey,

wait a minute, son. I want to ask you something.

Wait a minute.

Bubba was just leaving. Come on, Bubba. Wait a minute, Fred.

I'm sorry you got to go to the movies.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, in... Guess Bubba's stumbling on something out there in the yard.

Come on, sit down, son.

Hey, Pop, would you mind telling me what this is all about? Because I would

really like to get to sleep.

Well, just listen now.

Son, you and Rallo have been going out quite a bit lately, ain't you?

Yeah, well, Rallo's a good friend of mine, Pop, and we have some good times

together, so... So, why don't you take Judy Ann out sometime?

Ain't she supposed to be your girlfriend?

Yeah, but she's getting to be like all the rest of them, a pain.

Women is always arguing and fussing and taking up your time and your money, and

then they dump you for some other dude.

Oh, so that's why you've been going out with Rollo, huh?

I guess you could say that. Well, good night, Pop.

Okay, son.

Still walks all right.

Mr. Sanford?

Hi,

Doc. Glad you can make it, Doc.

What's the trouble? You have a bad night?

Well, no, it's not me, Doc. It's my son.

Oh? What's the matter with him?

Well, I don't know how to tell you this, Doc, but I'm worried about my son.

Well, what is it?

Well, see, he always used to go out with girls, but he ain't doing that no more.

He's just going out with his friend, Rollo.

Mr. Sanford, are you suggesting that your son might be displaying homosexual

tendencies?

No, I'm suggesting my son might be turning into a sissy.

Is that possible, Doc? I mean, I hear it's going around now.

Well, I don't know. I don't know your son very well.

Well, is there some kind of test you could give him?

No, there's no test per se. I could...

Ask him some leading questions, if you like, and perhaps he would reveal

himself, and then we could take it from there.

And where would we take it to?

Why don't we just wait and see?

In any case, no one ever died from it, you know.

Well, he'd be the first one when I die.

Where is your son, Mr. Sandford? He's in the kitchen having breakfast.

That's why I came out here, so we could talk.

See, you come on in the house and pretend like you came to examine me, and

we'll switch it over to him. All right. All right.

See, you just examine me, and then I'll take over from there.

All right. Now, Mr. Sandford, I want you to take a good, deep breath.

Mm -hmm.

What's the matter with you? I didn't know you were sick. I didn't hear you

in, Dr. Caldwell.

Oh, good morning, son.

Yeah, I had a slight heart attack last night, but I'm all right now.

And look, when Dr. Fitz examines me, why don't you let him examine you?

Examine me?

There ain't nothing wrong with me.

What your father probably has in mind is a checkup to detect any problem early

so we can nip it in the bud.

Yeah, Doc, nip it.

Nip it in the bud.

wrong with me. I feel great. Yeah, but you remember last week you was

complaining about how your back was hurting? Yeah, I was complaining about

back hurting me because I lifted that stove all by myself.

But I feel fine now.

Well, listen, just let the doctor examine you.

Just come on over here. I don't need no examination. I already told you that.

Well, you come on over here and just sit down and let the doctor examine you. I

don't need no examination. Hey,

doc, see what you can nip.

And I'm going in here and make a fresh pot of coffee.

So,

a stove all by yourself.

Yeah? You don't get much help from your father?

You know how much help I get from him, Doc?

Zero. That's how much help I get from him.

Mm -hmm. I suppose that he's got a lot to do around here. I mean, the work

that's ordinarily done by the woman of the house. The cooking, the cleaning,

washing, the ironing. Who does all that?

That's a very good question because he certainly doesn't.

Mm -hmm.

You... miss having a woman around the house? I mean, do you miss your mother?

What?

Well,

I was just a kid when my mother died, but, like, she was a wonderful person.

had a real strong character.

Pop tells me that I take after her.

Then you would say that your mother was the dominant one in the family?

Well, I guess you could say that.

Say, uh, I'd like to sit down here and talk to you some more, Doctor, but I

really got to get to work.

Well, that's all right, young man. I'm finished.

Good. How's my back?

Your back?

Oh, your back. You're fine, Lamont.

Your discs are all in order.

There you are. All finished, Doc. How is it?

His back's fine, Mr. Sanford. Yeah, my discs are all in order.

Oh, that's good.

That's good news to know your discs are in order.

Doc, come on. I'll walk you to the car.

Lamont, why don't you have some of that fresh coffee I just made?

Go ahead and have some.

Look here, Doc.

What do you think? Could you tell anything?

Well, he feels that he had a dominant mother, and that's generally a clue.

Then he is.

On the other hand, he shows no outward signs it would be revealing.

That means he ain't.

But he says he takes after his mother.

Then he is.

However, he likes the idea of a woman around the house.

He ain't.

I didn't say that.

Well, what are you saying?

I don't know.

Well, what do you know?

The one thing I do know is... I don't know.

Well, what do you suggest?

I don't know.

Let's just wait and see how things develop.

Let me know if you detect any change in his speech or his behavior or his dress.

Don't tell me you're going to put on a dress.

No, Mr. Sanford, I meant his wearing apparel.

And that'll be $10, please.

I only got $5, Doc.

Well, when can I get the other fine?

I don't know.

Hey, what you doing combing your hair?

What kind of question is that? Why does anybody comb their hair to look neat?

Well, you're just going to a job.

Pop, just because I work in junk don't mean I have to look like it.

Now, I come in contact with a lot of people out there in the street, you

Oh, I see what you mean. Like in case you ran into one of them nice,

females, huh? In case I should run into whoever.

See you, Pop.

Is that whoever that worries me?

I can see it all happening now.

I can see me changing the sign from Sanford and Son to Sanford and...

What's

that smell I smell? Is that you?

Yeah, that's my new cologne, Pop. It's called Brut.

Brut. You should call it Brutal.

information, Willie Mays wears it.

That's why they stuck him way out there in Centerfield.

Say, listen, you going out with Rallo again?

Say, what is it with you with all these questions? Where am I going? Who am I

going out with? You never used to ask these questions before.

Well, I got to ask you these questions.

Uh, you still my son, ain't you?

Of course I'm your son, Pop, and I didn't mean to snap at you, but listen,

know I tell you everything I do, don't you?

You do? Of course I do.

Well, where are you going and what are you going to do?

Okay, I'm going out with Rollo, and we don't know what we're going to do, all

right? All right, and I'm going out myself.

You're going out? Where are you going?

Me and Bubba are going to the movies. They got a triple horror film over there

at the Paradise Theater. Triple feature, and it's only 99 cents.

That comes to about... 33 Cent of Horror.

That ain't bad.

Right, right.

Now, you sure you're going out with Bubba, right? Yeah, and you sure you're

going out with Rollo? Right. Right, I see you, son. Okay, Pop.

Hey,

Pop, what it is?

What it was.

Right on. I see you stepping out tonight, huh?

Well, I was stepping out, but after meeting you, it's more like stepping

something.

Jack, you one cold -blooded old dude.

Hey, listen here. Yeah. Why you always going out with my son?

Lamont, that's my man.

partners, man. Me and Lamar just like that.

Elizabeth, if you looking down on all this, honey, don't look.

Okay, bye.

Hey, man, what's so funny?

Ain't nothing, man. I just ran into your old man outside.

That is one funny old dude.

You think so, huh?

Hey, come on, let's split.

Uh, well,

I'm not going out with you tonight, Rallo.

You ain't going?

No.

You gonna pass up one of the greatest skin flicks of all time and stay home?

On a Saturday night that you a fool?

Hey, man, I already seen your skin flicks, Rallo.

Hey, but look, this flick is different, man. It's called the Mile High Club.

And it's all about these 350 swinging couples in the baggage compartment of a

747.

Hey, man, I don't care what it's about, and I did.

I made myself a phone call.

I got the place all to myself.

My mind is made up, and so is my game.

Hey, right on.

Look here.

Later. On the butler, brother.

Hey, this is the place, Fred.

I saw Lamont and Rollo go right in there.

Look up there. See?

The gay blade.

Well, we better get on inside, because Rollo was just getting to the houses I

was leaving.

Well, suppose Lamont sees you in there. Then what?

Oh, he won't see us.

No, why? Because we can sit way in the back.

And besides, put these on.

Oh, I feel kind of weird.

Well, that won't mean nothing in there, Bubba.

I guess it takes all kinds, eh, Fred?

Yeah. And listen, Bubba, when we get inside there, don't smile at nobody.

All right. I mean, don't smile at nobody.

Okay.

Bubba going into the gay blade.

Come on, Rollo. What kind of joke is this, man? It ain't funny. Hey, man, I

swear. I swear on a stack of Bibles. Hi, Lamont. The two old dudes are going in

the gay blade. Can you get ready for that?

Look, man, just because you saw him going in the gay blade, now, that don't

nothing. Look, my father's always looking for weird places to go into.

Now, he goes in there and sits at the bar and nurses a can of beer for a few

hours. Then he comes on home and tells me about the whole thing. It don't mean

nothing. Hey, they weren't at the bar.

Well, where were they?

They was tucked away in a corner.

Well, they probably just wanted to get a better view of the place, that's all.

And they was wearing dog glasses.

Hey, look, Rob, are you talking about my old man now?

Hey, baby, look here, I'm just telling you what I saw.

Bubba's concerned.

Bubba's been married twice.

Yeah, you know what they say, too.

If you can't hold a job, you change the line of work.

You ain't wrapped too tight, Rallo.

Why don't you ask your old man when he comes? I don't have to ask him nothing

because we don't have no secrets in this house. He'll come in here and tell me

everything that went on out there. I don't have to ask him nothing.

What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing, Pop. See, I thought you two were going out.

Yeah, but we changed our mind.

Listen, any cold beer in the refrigerator?

Yeah, there's some beer in the refrigerator. Hey, God, get me one.

Say,

Pop? Yeah?

You didn't go to that movie with Bubba like you said you was, did you?

No.

Well, where did you go?

Out. Now I'm in, now I'm going up and lay down.

But wait a minute, Pop. See, I want to talk to you. Rallo was just going home.

Hey, wait a minute.

Good night, Rallo. Good night,

Rallo.

See, Pop, come on over here and sit down, Pop.

Listen, you and Rallo really ain't going out tonight, are you? No, no, we're not

going out.

Well, I guess I'll go to bed.

Wait a minute, Pop.

Pop, you remember when I was a little kid, you told me that any time I ever

wanted to talk to you about anything, that I could just come and talk to you

about it?

Huh?

Well, see, there's something that I want to ask you, and I don't quite know how

to do it, see, because it's kind of embarrassing, but it's something that I

to know, see, and... Well, listen, Pop, I know what you want to ask me.

You do? Sure.

See, it's all my fault. It started 15 years ago when we were having a father

son discussion, and I was telling you about the birds and the bees.

And when I got to the part about the birds, a customer came in and

me.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about maybe we should start where we left off from.

Ain't that something? It always happens at the most important part.

You got

a

date with Donna?

Yeah. I got a standing dinner engagement down there every Saturday. Hey, man, I

think that's fantastic, Pop.

Hey, you sure it's not too late?

Oh, no, you know that saying, the later the dinner, the bigger the winner? Yeah.

I'll see you, son.

Goodbye, Judy Ann. Goodbye, Mr.

Sanford. Oh, Pop, you remember that little discussion that we was going to

Mm -hmm. Forget it.

Yeah, and you know that saying, don't do nothing I wouldn't do? Yeah.

Forget that, too. All right.

You do what you want to do. All right.

Yes.

Sit on down there.

It's your thing.

Do what you want to do.

I can't tell you who the fuck it do.

and say goodbye.

Well, what you want to do tonight, Rallo? Hey, man, there's this great

just open.

It's all about a sailor helping a hell captain on an island by a hundred Amazon

women with his hands tied behind his back.

Not another one of your skin flicks.

Hey, man, but this is the uncut version and besides, a partner of mine gave me

two tickets. It's for free. I don't care if it is free. I'm not going. I think

the whole thing is disgusting.

Yeah, Rallo.

Why you always come around here taking my son to see them disgusting movies and

corrupting his mind?

Corrupting his mind?

That's right. He's a grown man, ain't he? Well, he ain't old enough and he

mature enough to handle that kind of stuff.

Well, how old you got to be, Pop?

Around 60, 65.

Say, where's this movie playing at anyway?

Kitty Cat Theater.

The what? The Kitty Cat? Yeah.

Give me them.

Where you going?

Huh? Where are you going?

No.

No.

No.

Sanford and Son was recorded on tape before live studio audience.