All language subtitles for dean_martin_wilt_chamberlain_1973

Nadine Martin, Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Ziegfeld Room, tonight Star -Studded

Roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to
be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

the week.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

We honor one of the greatest basketball
players of all time, Mr. Wilt

Chamberlain. But before we begin, let us
have a moment of silence for the

stagehand who said to Wilt before the
show, You got business here, boy?

In 1936, Wilt Chamberlain came into this
world. He was even tall at birth.

He was so tall, he was born on August
21st, 22nd, and 23rd.

At an early age, his only interest in
life was basketball, but he couldn't

afford to buy one, so he used to go down
to the schoolyard and dribble a white

kid.

Today, Wilk drives a gold Rolls Royce,
but he's no fool. When he drives through

Georgia, he changes places with his
white chauffeur.

Wilk, a lot of your friends and admirers
couldn't be here tonight, but they sent

telegrams. Even the owner of the Lakers
sent you a wire.

No telegram, just a wire.

Norm Crosby is one comedian who takes
show business seriously.

He's dedicated, he's involved, he's
committed.

At least he should be.

A real funny guy, Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Gene.

is an insulation to young people all
over the world.

Wherever he appears, after every game,
the kids give him a standing ovulation.

That's the truth.

He's always tall.

Big deal.

That's a joke.

People can overcome handicaps if they
have drive and ambition.

I knew a pickpocket once in Boston. This
is true.

Had only one finger.

One finger Louie was a pickpocket. Can
you imagine? And he did pretty good,

Of course, all he ever stole were bagels
and donuts.

But, well, you can remember, all of us
can, grown -up guys.

We never had the advantages in sports
like the kids have today. We never had

Little League with fancy uniforms and
regulation ballparks.

We played ball in a dirty, vacant lot
where first base was a rock, second base

was a garbage can cover.

And third base was a wino who was always
laying drunk in the grass.

I heard he became a big singer.

It's hard to believe when you look at a
big guy like Wilt, but that whole body

truly is only worth 98 cents. It's
incredible, but it's true. A laboratory

optician proved in a laboratory.

that the whole body, chemically
distended, is only worth 98 cents. And

why bigotry is such a joke. What
difference does it make?

Black, white, yellow, green, man or
woman, nobody can possibly be better

anybody else. The whole body, 98 cents.

98 cents, a whole body.

Some girls get more, you know.

We're up in San Diego, we're gonna miss
it.

Thank you, Tom.

Besides being one of Wilkes' closest
friends, Happy Harrison is one of the

reasons that the Lakers have such a
great ball club.

He's a tall one, too. He has to bend
down every time he walks under

golden arches.

Ladies and gentlemen, a superb athlete,
Mr. Happy Harrison.

Thank you very much, Steve.

You know, when you play on a team with a
guy a number of years as I have played

with Wilt, you get to know him pretty
well.

And I get burned up when I hear things
about Wilt.

Things that I know for a fact are not
true. For instance, you may have heard

that on the court, Wilt is a very
selfish player.

Nonsense.

He's the most generous basketball player
I know.

I never saw anyone give away as many
championship games as Wilt.

The black military criticized Will for
not changing his name, like Muhammad Ali

and Kareem Abdul -Jabbar have done.

But they don't understand Will.

It's not that Will Chamberlain isn't
willing to change his name.

It's just that there's only one name
that he'd rather have, and that's

been taken.

Bill Russell.

Well, really, what I want to tell you,
the Lakers won't be the same this year

without you.

I'm going to miss you, I know that for
sure.

As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of
changing my name from Happy to

Thank you,

Happy.

There's a lady with us tonight who's
going to review Wilt Chamberlain's new

book, The Saturday Review of Literature.

Miss Roberta Push.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

And good evening, lovers of good
literature.

And if there are any of you here
tonight, what a nice people like you

dump like this.

I would like to review a new book.

Oh, this is a good thing.

You can tell this from the magazines
that you read because there isn't any

centerfold.

Now, I usually review non -fiction
novels of cultural significance.

But when this book reached our office,
there was such a clamor about who would

get to review it that we had to draw
straws. I lost.

This is called Wilt, just like any other
seven -foot black millionaire who lives

next door.

It's the kind of book that you just
can't put down until you finish the

It is listed as an autobiography of Wilt
Chamberlain as told to David Shore.

Or to put it in your language, Dean,
David Shore is the book lore and Wilt

Chamberlain is the bookie.

Now, first, let's discuss what the book
is about.

It's about 695, uh, batteries not
included, of course.

It is shockingly antisocial. It takes
Wilk Chamberlain 310 pages to say

what Dean Martin can say with a single
Italian hand gesture.

Don't you know?

Out here in California, it's going just
like wildfire.

Everybody's burning it.

I want you to hear the first chapter.

See Wilt run.

Run, Wilt, run.

Run, run, run.

They don't write them like that anymore.

Now, horse riders have called Wilt
Chamberlain a whiner because he alibis

someone. He alibis about losing. He
alibis about fighting with teammates.

He alibis about voting for Nixon.

Well, what this book really is, is an
alibiography.

And it also tells us how he can palm a
basketball in each hand.

And it also tells us why he's so popular
with Raquel Welch. Yeah!

As a matter of fact, this book tells us
really a lot more than we care to know

about Wilt Chamberlain.

Somewhere in the last chapter, Wilt,
with characteristic modesty, reveals

he doesn't care whether anybody likes
his book or not.

Because he has lots of other irons in
the bag.

Wilt. I suggest that you put this book
to the other right.

Well, Bobby Meadows.

Thank you, Audrey.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fine talent and
a real pro, Mr. Ken Perry.

Thank you, Dean. I'm here tonight as a
basketball fan, and I have been a fan

ever since I was knee -high to Wilt
Chamberlain.

That's the day before yesterday.

Some things never change.

When they're trying to choose the
greatest sports figure of all time, my

goes to Wilt Chamberlain.

Of course, I also voted for McGovern.

Goldwater and Al Flander and all those
guys.

This time, I think I've really got a
winner, and I resent... some of the

scurrilous things they've been saying
about this amazingly gifted, colossal

klutz.

Is he coming after me yet?

Tonight, I would like to put the lie to
some of these rumors. They say that Wilt

exaggerates his success with the ladies.
Well, what does it take to be

successful with the ladies, really? Only
that a man be tall, dark, and handsome.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

They say he's extravagant with his money
because he has four different

limousines. The fact is he needs four
cars, one for each direction. Well,

why does he need such big cars like
Rolls Royces and Bentleys?

Well, they're the only cars with glove
compartments big enough for his

watermelons.

Oh,

talk about a good time, Silver.

This duck shot is a hook.

Ask any of the great hookers.

I'll also tell you about Wilt's wham
-bam, thank you ma 'am, slam dunk.

But if I do nothing else here tonight,
if I do nothing else here tonight, and

I'm sure many of you are hoping that I
do nothing else here tonight, I want to

set the record straight on one thing. It
was not Wilt Chamberlain who sold out

to Adolph Hitler. It was Neville
Chamberlain.

Tonight we are very pleased to have with
us one of the most respected officials

in the NBA.

He was the first black man to become
professional basketball referee.

Would you all please welcome Mr. Rudolph
Mendy.

Thank you, baby. I

was the first black referee.

Of course, that was not because they
thought I had such knowledge of sports.

It's because they wanted to save money.

You think this is a shirt? No, I just
painted the white stripes on my body.

They said that they were afraid that I
would favor the black players in my

officiating. Not so.

I would never discriminate against a
white basketball player.

I know what it is to be a minority.

difference between black referees and
white referees except this one.

In addition to this signal, which means
jump ball, and this signal, which means

foul, we have this signal, which means
you're out of the game, white boy.

I say that there are some places that
try to intimidate referees. Not Wilt.

Not Wilt. I've had the occasion to
witness how polite and what a

conduct he can have. He came up to me,
he said, A referee, I'd like to suggest

that your perception of my involvement
in that imbroglio was somewhat faulty.

I said, you're right, Will. As a matter
of fact, I think I reversed my decision.

He said, thank you, sir.

And with that, he released my ears and
dropped me to the floor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here's a man who's broken more records.

than any other jockey in the history of
racing, Mr. Bill Pinochle.

You know, there's something I'm going to
reveal tonight to

the public for the first time.

Will Chamberlain and I are identical
twins.

When we were six months old, Gypsy stole
my brother Wilt from our baby carriage.

And even though he was separated, we
grew up with identical tastes.

Like the Corsican brothers.

We both grew up to be riders. I ride
horses, he rides leopards.

When I go out for a race, I wear a green
boot, a broad yellow

sag.

Scarlet tunic with a fluffy ascot and a
checkered cap with a

pom -pom on top.

That's the way Wilt dresses when he goes
out on a date.

You don't have to let me shake your
hand.

Scott writes for every big newspaper and
magazine in the country.

He writes for them, but they never send
him any.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the finest
journalists in America, United Press

reporter Vernon Scott.

Jim Murray of the Los Angeles Times
described Wilk legitimately as fickle,

arrogant,

lazy, irascible, demanding, petulant,
mercenary, and unappreciative.

But in the defensive world, I must say,
he also has his faults.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you've got to
hand it to Will Chamberlain.

Because, as his coach will tell you, if
you pass it to him, he'll drop it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most respected
actor, Mr. George Kimmel.

Thank you, Dean.

As every basketball fan knows, Will
Chamberlain is a seven foot, one and a

inches tall in his stocking feet, or
seven foot, one and a quarter inches

without his pantyhose.

People should really try to be more
sensitive and understanding of Wilf's

situation. They should be more
considerate of his feelings.

It's not easy being a gangling freak.

First of all, it's almost impossible to
buy clothes.

He can't even find knee pads to fit him.
He has to find a 44D cup and cut it in

two.

The world doesn't present many
opportunities to a man who's seven feet

black. I mean, what choice did Will
have?

He could either become a basketball
player or an exclamation point on a

billboard.

And on top of all of this, he has to put
up with endless jibes, ridicule. Why do

we make fun of it?

I asked a psychiatrist friend of mine,
and he told me because deep down we're

afraid that the tall man is sexually
superior.

But I find that hard to understand.

I mean...

If Wilt makes love like he shoots free
throws, we ain't got nothing to worry

about.

Thank

you,

George. Jackie Gale is a comedian who
just returned from a 2050 tour of the

United States to apologize.

for his last appearance on this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, a comedian who's
moving up fast, Mr. Jackie Gayle.

I'm still working on watermelon in the
glove compartment.

And it's an honor to be here for Mr.
Chamberlain.

because he comes from a very illustrious
family. I remember his uncle when he

was prime minister of England.

He was a wonderful man. Why should
anybody want to roast him these days?

he offended lately?

That's right.

Just remember the good days when you
sung two free throws in a row and they

the ball out for drug analysis.

I like to say...

And a lot of people here roasting him.
Bill Shoemaker.

How could you roast this man?

Wasn't he the one who told the witch
doctor to shrink you?

And when things were rough, he let you
sleep in his glove.

And I'll say one thing to you. You've
got a great riding technique.

All you do is whisper in a horse's ear,
glue factory, glue factory.

And see Ken Berry here from F Troop. He
had Mayberry RFB.

That's right, the all -American boy.

Canberry, I love him. If you put a slot
on the side of me, become a ride at

Disneyland.

That's a good line. You think about it,
it sneaks up.

That's no sneak line.

And George Kennedy, who lost the TV
series.

A lot of guys will lose that series.
This show's a restaurant for

I love you in Cool Hand Luke.

I love that name, Cool Hand Luke. It
sounds like a frozen Chinese dinner.

But you know, George did win an Academy
Award.

Big deal. So did Louise Rayner.

And where is she now?

A newborn lady in Vienna.

And I notice this stuff is good. It may
give me another shot.

And I noticed that Georgia hair's
getting a little white. That happened

was filming Airport when he found out
Dean was the pilot.

And I'll tell you something.

That would have bleached Nipsey Russell.

Nipsey, you look a little familiar.

You look like a jockey out on the lawn
in front of Will's house.

Happy Hairston, the only teammate they
could dig up to show up for him.

And Happy had an offer from the other
late crew from the Bakersfield

He was offered $30 a game and a boxed
lunch.

But he's holding out for 40 and some ham
hocks.

Norm Crosby's on the show, and I've
known you a long time, and I still can't

figure out how you made it.

And I worked a lot of small towns with
Norm, and it's really true. We worked a

lot of those towns where women wear the
kind of dresses you can see through and

you don't want to.

That's right.

We played towns where the cab driver
wanted you to fix him up at a bar.

That's right.

Yeah, laugh if you want to.

We worked those towns.

I'll tell you how small they were. The
head of the mafia was a Filipino.

That's right.

That's right.

You people know what loneliness is. Go
to a town where an all -night diner

closes 2 in the afternoon.

They think Lawrence Rolfe's a jazz
musician.

But I'm proud to be here honoring Milt
today because he scored more than

else on pro basketball.

And he's done well on the court, too.

And remember the words of a great
basketball sage who said, the bigger

the more money they make.

I'd like to wish him a lot of luck,
because you are the greatest.

And I say I wish you this luck, because
with your personality, you're going to

need it. Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to
present our man of the week, seven feet

of basketball greatness, Mr.

Wilt Chamberlain.

Standing here, I can't help thinking
what civil rights has come a long, long

way.

Twenty years ago, a guy like me wouldn't
be allowed to sit at the dais.

Guys like you.

Those were the good old days.

It's nice to see my old friend, William
Shoemaker.

You know, Bill wasn't always that short.

But when his former wife divorced him,

She took his leg and cuffed it.

And John picked it up after cuffing it
below your ex -wife.

In your last race, I saw you riding side
saddle.

And Ken Berry, I'm glad you were here.

I used to watch your show, Mayberry R .I
.F .D.

After the show, I want to meet you in
the parking lot.

And find out why there was no black
spring on your show.

Mr. George Kennedy, thanks for being
here tonight, too.

I saw you on that movie made for
television, The Great American Tragedy.

Wow, it showed a little to its title.

And Dean, I'm really, really proud.

You came a long, long way.

I remember when you were standing in
front of the pool hall in Steubenville,

Ohio, saying,

Hey, want a girl?

But before I close, I just want to say
I've been accused of enjoying life.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. I admit
that drinking and swinging really isn't

all happiness.

But it's the closest thing I can think
of to it.

Wilk, I'd like to finish up by repeating
the advice given to you by your Laker

coach, Bill Sharman, who said, Wilk,
take this basketball and stuff it.

Now you're going on the way home,
Catherine. Now warm up the hot