Original subtitles

I was right next to you when you found out. I know how devastating it was.

Call me if you need me, all right?

Okay. Is that your dad?

Oh, my God.

My dad's making out with Stacey Moore, his mom.

We made a deal to do it together. I sent my mom the video, and you did nothing

on your end. I know we made a pact. No, you broke a pact.

I need to know your story with Farrah. Farrah and I have been friends since

second grade.

Nothing's happened between us. I hate the cross.

He undermines everything we do around here.

The principal's son is the crotch. That is so rad.

Cerberus is obviously someone in this high school. We just have to figure out

who it is. So you're Cerberus. I am.

So what do you want from us?

I want in on the crotch officially.

Hello, Cerberus. Hi, Jane family.

What do you want, Depankar? I want to make a deal with you. The three of us

be the crotch.

and in this moment, I really can't wait to see you.

This pose is called the broken cricket.

Guess I'm fantasizing about a broken cricket then.

Is all really fair in love and war?

Hold on a second.

Both have rules of engagement, but the rules change so much, nobody ever really

gets good at them.

Ooh la la.

I'm definitely coming home for fall break.

Hopefully you can make some time for a little broken cricket, maybe some

downward dog. Okay, don't be gross.

You need to get that?

No, I'm good.

Isn't it kind of essential to concentrate when you're doing yoga?

Yes.

Just go see what they want.

Okay. Bye.

And then there are the rules of war, which are even more ambiguous than love.

The word rule implies there are boundaries everyone agrees you shouldn't

Don't freak out. I'm freaking out. Don't. Too late. And my mother's

inside the house freaking out right now, too.

Did you try to take the post down?

I can't.

He locked me out. Dip is already out of control.

I mean, wasn't the agreement that we're supposed to work together as a team? I

didn't agree to this post. Did you agree to it? You know I didn't. Exactly.

That's what I mean. He is in violation of some sort of ethics breach.

Calm down.

Okay? Okay? The crotch is like a new toy to him. He chose the bikini picture for

a little shock value. I don't care about the bikini. That is my dead dad in that

photo. Okay? Taken on our last vacation together. As a family.

So there's probably more than a little shock value there for me.

That's the thing about war.

The whole point isn't to be fair.

It's to win.

Dude,

this is crap. How could they cancel homecoming? This is a full -on

Shit clouds, shit lightning, shit hail.

I know, but maybe the threat will calm him down a little.

Or make him more in pain.

Come and get me PILF and another

photo of my parents from their honeymoon.

What the hell? I'm glad I let you talk me into a deal with a sociopath.

How did he get these photos? Did he even attack your mom's computer?

No, I do all her computer work.

I have no idea how he's getting them.

I'll go talk to him.

Don't piss him off.

Okay, who knows what else this maniac has.

I'll keep it civil.

How do you have time for official school business with all this aggressive

posting? You'd be surprised how many kids lose their school IDs per week.

So what? We have to drop those off at Principal Cowher's office from time to

time? Maybe the office is empty, the computer is unlocked?

Is that how you got the photo?

Seems plausible.

So basically the principal trusts you, and pilf is how you repay her.

Oh, let's not get all high and mighty. The other crotch passed through her

vagina. And he posted about her, too.

Coward never posted like you do. She's a public figure in this school.

She's fair game.

By the way, do you think her tits are real?

You're smarter than this, Deb.

You know that these posts aren't going to lead to an actual working

But they do make people chatter. And that's the whole point, isn't it? I

it's not very progressive of you to want to censor the post just because you

don't like the content.

Come on.

If you want the Crouch deal to work, you're going to have to play by the same

set of rules as the rest of us.

The ambiguous rules.

Now, see, what if I found something damning on Stacey Moorhead's hard drive?

Would you be cool if I posted that?

No. And don't bait me.

Am I baiting you?

Or do I actually have something on her that you're just dying to know about?

I'm not doing that.

Hey, it's almost the noon deadline, and I assume you're not coming forward?

So I guess homecoming's toast.

Not like you had a date anyway.

like this i know it's so old -fashioned to care about it like brandon swain okay

who are you right now no what are we talking about oh just the fact that

needs a good -looking guy for validation oh kamala harris is not gonna revoke my

pussy hat because i want to go to homecoming with a guy that i have had a

on since the second grade since when were you gonna ask brandon swain to

homecoming brandon swain asked her to homecoming this morning just totally out

of the bloom Really? I had no idea you were working on that. That's amazing.

Well, yeah, it was amazing until an hour later when they canceled it.

The Ilo thing ended in suck.

Every other guy ended in suck.

And then all of a sudden, a nice guy liked me. And it's not just any nice

It's Brandon Swain. Do you know that I scrapbooked a piece of his chewed gum in

the sixth grade?

That is frightening.

Yeah. I need a Diet Coke. Anyone want?

Diet Coke?

Okay, this is serious.

If only we knew who the garage was, maybe we could save homecoming.

Subtle.

Look, I know Kara went and posted those photos of his own mother, and obviously

you didn't, which means that your new partner has gone rogue. Oh, very rogue.

I just don't understand the why behind whatever he's doing. There's no logic to

it. Why does there have to be logic to it? He might just be one of those people

who likes to see if he can cause a flood one drop at a time.

Those are the worst.

You cannot outsmart people like that.

So, are you saying you don't have a plan?

Not yet, I don't.

This is bad.

Yeah, no shit.

Have you signed the petition to save Homecoming yet? Look at you.

Hi. Our little social justice warrior.

Version 2 .0.

Well, I didn't see Farrah helping, so I guess that makes me 1 .0.

No, you're the off -brand knockoff. Can I talk to you for a sec?

Bye, Hug, or...

Should I even call you that anymore, seeing as you haven't actually hooked

anyone up since your arrest?

Oh, me. Thank you.

What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you?

You are fully entrenched in Camp Gracie.

So are you, taking kind of their snack bar thing.

It's different. You've chosen Gracie's side.

And I don't understand why, after all that Farrah's done for us? Us? Yeah,

maybe she's done a lot for you, which is shady enough. She's done nothing for

you. Okay, how about a loyal friendship?

Friendship is about give and take. Farrah just takes.

Grace was right. I can't think of a single thing Farrah's done for me that

didn't benefit her more.

You knocked first.

I'm evolving.

Why'd you come here?

Did you come to tell me about some convoluted, half -illegal -ish, ten

plan to take Topanga down?

No.

I don't have a plan.

I have no idea what to do about him.

Nothing at all?

If we post something, then we just antagonize him, and he'll post something

worse.

I don't know. I just don't see our play here.

If you don't have a plan, then why did you come here?

Because I know all of this sucks.

I thought maybe you'd want someone to hang out with.

I found something online.

Whoa.

It's really awesome.

I mean, it's not that big of a deal. It was like $6, and I don't even know if it

works.

Yeah,

I'll have to clean out some battery crust, but I can get this working.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Can I see the picture on the box? No.

It's cheating.

Okay. Can you at least tell me what the picture is of?

Uh, it's a cityscape.

Okay, what city?

Paris.

Oh, my God, you're such a dork.

Yeah. Let's, uh, let's rip the orange ones for you.

One, two, three.

Sarah? What's up?

We've been invited to Carlton Moorhead's 50th birthday party.

It's a barbecue at their house. Have fun.

I know you have some kind of beef with Stacy.

Beef? Very current lingo, Mom.

But her mother's been very good to me since the separation.

I really need you to go.

You don't need me to go.

You want me to go, so you have someone to talk to. Yes.

I need someone to talk to.

But I also need someone who loves me, who will stand next to me the entire

because your dad's invited, too.

Wait. He's not actually planning to attend, is he?

You're still good friends with Carlton, so I assumed so.

I don't think that's the best idea. If he's there, it'll be the first time that

we're at a place together as a family since the separation.

Mom. Don't make me stand there by myself.

Please.

What could be so bad that happened between you and Stacy?

I don't want to get into it.

Fine.

Don't tell me.

Just remember, you're teenage girls. You fight.

You make up.

All I'm asking is for you to fast -track the makeup part for me.

Okay.

Thank you.

I looked up at the clock, and it was 2 a .m. I had wormhole for three hours

looking at dresses for an event. That isn't even happening.

What is wrong with me? Nothing. I think that it's cute you want to get some of

that Brandon swing. I am this close to signing Grace's stupid petition, and I

know petitions don't even work. Farrah, please tell me you have something better

than signatures.

Look, I'm working on it. What can we do to help?

Nothing yet.

I'll let you know when I have a plan.

Okay, how are we supposed to help her if she never asks for it?

You act like this is new.

I know, but it's getting worse.

She used to always come to me for help. You really want homecoming to happen,

don't you?

I really do.

Yeah, me too.

Why? Who do you want to go with?

No, no, no. Not for me. For you.

Oh, I want you to get some of that Brandon s'more.

Your mom's got nice tits.

Hey, dickhead.

Don't talk about my mother.

Be careful what you say next.

I don't have to say anything.

Really?

Yeah, what are you going to do, pussy?

Move away! Move away! Get off him!

Does it actually work?

Yeah. Looks like I have a future in very obsolete technology.

Saw the fight on the crotch.

How you holding up?

Great. He posted about it?

I bet he didn't mention how I knocked his dick in the dirt. That's not the

he chose, but you can write your own version.

Actually, no, you can't. He's crazy.

I've been thinking about it all afternoon. I say we expose him. That

expose us. Who cares?

I care.

A lot. And so would your mother.

I mean, it'd be a social disaster for us, but it would be a career ender for

her. We covered up the Hook Spygate thing.

Look, just deal with it till the end of the week. I'll fix it.

Look.

All right, out with it.

What are we talking about?

Guys, friends, grades, what's going on?

None of those things.

Can't help you if you don't talk to me, sir.

It's about the Moorhead's barbecue.

What about it?

The fact that you're actually thinking about going.

Fair.

Your mom and I shared the same life and friends for 17 years.

I mean, Carlton is still a really good friend of mine.

And the people we met along the way don't disappear just because we're

separated. Don't do that.

Do what?

I know when you're in spin mode.

I'm not your client, I'm your daughter.

I know, honey, and I'm...

Also acutely aware that there'll be some discomfort.

Comfort? Oh, why do you think there'll be discomfort?

Because my dad was having an affair?

That's no big deal. That happens all the time. I should be able to handle that,

right? Or will the real reason for discomfort at this particular party come

who my dad was having an affair with?

What are you saying?

You know what I'm saying.

What do you think you know? Think I know?

Yeah. I saw the video on Mom's computer, Dad. Mom doesn't know who the woman is,

but I do.

Look... Don't.

Don't say anything.

Because you're just reminding me of how shitty and selfish you and Mrs. Moorhead

are.

I probably deserve that.

You know what? I think I'm just going to go home tonight.

Tell me you have something.

Why? So you and the Gracie squad can make money off of homecoming? No, this

isn't about the money.

It's my senior year. How many homecomings do you think I'm going to

Really? Yeah. That's actually kind of sweet.

Why'd you get so soft?

Sorry for wanting to remember.

Any better today?

No photos of my dead dad, so I guess that's a bonus.

Is that my position?

Oh, a petition.

Because those always work.

It's called grassroots organizing.

Most people would call it a waste of time.

I'm making honest and authentic connections with real people, which I

really your bag.

Oh, honest and authentic connections with people who just now think you're

greatest.

You act like you run this place, or you do, but really you're just another girl

hiding all her insecurities behind a giant wall of arrogance.

Oh, then why are you trying so hard to be me?

Nice style, Grace.

Where'd you get it?

Tip posted some hurly sex, and they weren't with Brandon Swain. They were

This is a disaster.

Tally -ho.

Topancar's a lunatic.

Cloud hacks, email hacks are supposed to happen to corporations or famous

people, not regular kids. Yeah, I don't know what to do about it. Well, we have

to do something.

I said I don't know what to do.

Claire, this shit is out of control.

What's going on here?

You know, I really love this place.

Yeah?

That was good in high school.

Oh, I remember.

Too bad about homecoming, huh?

Kind of a huge misstep by Cowher with that post.

I mean, what is going on in his house that he put up those photos?

I don't know.

I'm just focused on fixing it.

Think you could get him to, like, use a crotch post to strong -arm the

administration to change their minds?

I don't think that's possible.

Here I was, hoping you'd ask me to the dance.

Come on. Like, you'd really go if I asked. You kidding?

I'd totally go.

Well... There is one plan I have about homecoming that I've been thinking

Yeah?

Why just thinking?

Because I'd have to play a card I'm not sure I want to play.

Sounds like it could be ugly.

Yeah, it has that potential.

Claire, so glad you made it.

I haven't seen you since we redid the backyard.

Yeah, it's been a long time.

So, what do you think of the new patio furniture?

I got a great deal.

Oh, congrats. It must be great to make a deal with someone and really feel like

you walked away with something.

Okay, well, you've always had great taste.

Give these to your dad. I'm going to go say hi to the billet. Okay.

I know it's not ideal, but, um, thanks for coming.

Not ideal implies a degree of ideality that is not present here.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go give these to my dad. Oh, I'm definitely not stopping

you, so...

What's

up? I can't stop thinking about you chatting up Farrah the other day.

Chatting up? You sure that's what you thought?

I definitely saw two people who, for whatever reason, needed to be alone to

talk. You're still on this?

Or is Grace feeding you lines?

You have to admit that you and Farrah do have an interesting relationship.

Farrah doesn't treat me any different than any of my other friends.

I think the bigger issue is why can't you accept that?

God, it's so crazy. Every time her name comes up, you find some way to defend

her. I wouldn't defend her if I thought she was wrong.

I wouldn't have to defend her if you just trusted me.

It's you, Cydra, on here, and it's not mine. Never been.

Sorry that you think that.

But I know what Farrah and I are, and the fact that you refuse to see that,

is a you problem.

Right, then maybe it's time I relieve you of this me problem.

What is that supposed to mean? You know what it means.

You looking for something?

So this is where grassroots organizing leads. I read the petition. Doesn't mean

I need to react to it. So homecoming's dead?

Nothing can be done to make you react?

The crotch didn't come forward before the deadline.

A person in my position can't make a threat and then not follow through on

But you're punishing the entire school for the actions of one person.

I'm trying to save my students from going through unnecessary trauma.

So there's nothing I can say to persuade you to change your mind about

homecoming.

Disneyland. You know, Stacy talked about this princess dinner for a month.

You guys look so happy here.

It was a very expensive trip for us at the time, but that look on Stacy's face

was totally worth it.

Yeah, I get it.

Family moments are precious.

Speaking of, did you know my dad was invited to this party?

Turns out he couldn't make it.

Did you notice that he was gone?

Why do you ask?

You and my mom have been such good friends since the separation.

It's really nice how you flew to her side the moment he left. She needed a

friend. That's so sweet of you.

I know Carlton still talks to my dad. Do you still talk to my dad?

No, I don't.

But you used to.

A lot.

Especially on weekday afternoons, right?

So you've known the whole time?

Who else knows about this?

Nobody.

Yet.

I'm going to need you to reconsider homecoming.

From where I stand, my family is destroyed.

And nothing has happened to yours. And even worse, you're still friends with my

mom. Nothing in your world has changed.

If my mom knew the truth, she would never talk to you again.

I'm pretty sure your husband wouldn't like it if he knew about the affair

either.

My husband does know about the affair.

What?

And it took some time, but he understood.

Because we were in a very lonely place at the time. The same lonely place your

dad was in.

But after a lot of tears, here I am with my husband, smiling at his 50th

birthday party.

You're young.

And I can't expect you to understand all the dynamics of play that went into

what happened.

But coming at me with it in my home is so beyond misguided.

I can't stop you from telling your mom if that's what you really want to do.

But you're going to force her to relive it all over again.

Hand me those candles, will you?

Second drawer.

I get that I played a major role in what broke your family apart.

And I know it hurts.

But I also know that throwing your anger in my face, it isn't going to help you.

I see how you carry yourself around school.

But the reality is, you're still a kid.

You've got a lot of living to do.

Just don't do it carrying all this hate with you.

Love and war are unfair by nature.

Both usually end in heartbreak.

I assume you got a text or a call from someone.

I did.

You don't have to say it.

I was really stupid today.

What? I wasn't going to call you stupid.

I just wanted to be here.

Come here, honey.

You know...

This fault is, I can be, and have been.

It will never change how much I love you.

I thought that given how dirty DePancar was playing, that playing dirty myself

would feel better.

But it didn't.

And as your superintendent, I take your safety very seriously.

And the crotch threatens your safety and all of us as a community.

Seeing all those names on the petition reminded me of what a fragile community

this is. And it made me realize that punishing the whole for the actions of

didn't feel fair either.

So homecoming is back on.

But that isn't to say we aren't still pursuing the crotch. We are even more

dedicated than ever.

We both know her petition didn't work, right?

Well, something changed her mind.

Getting home coming back was never going to feel like a win to me. What are you

doing in there?

Okay, be honest.

Is it too much? Oh, my God, no.

You look perfect.

It's amazing.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Because no matter how happy I was that Hurley was getting her glass

slipper moment,

I knew that somewhere else, the other shoe was about to drop.

Music featured in this episode of Youth and Consequences.

Thank you.