Original subtitles

High school is just one big buzzsaw that grinds people up into little bite

-sized pieces.

Some people just do a better job at avoiding the teeth.

Hey, Barrett, where are you? Why hasn't today started?

They won't let us go to school.

Be there in a minute.

That's Sarah Hurley. She and I almost didn't make it as friends because of the

Sarah and Farrah annoyance. I am not an ampersand person.

So, I got the whole school to call her Hurley.

So the EMT action, the crotch doesn't even know.

The crotch is an entity that everyone fears but can't turn away from.

Some kid who was obsessed with Perez Hilton started it like ten years ago.

And it gets passed along to some anonymous student every year.

The name itself, while crass, is at least classic.

Central, C, Rochester, Roch, and Crotch.

Then again, the crotch has always been nice to me.

Hey, James.

We have police action.

The hell? The last update is still the Stacey Moorhead story. What story? That

her last name turned out to be a prophecy?

Nah, about her nose job.

And her smoking on the crock pot meeting.

Ugh.

When did we birth the tube stock peak? Has it even been a week?

Four days.

It's out of control. We gotta kill the baby.

Call it.

Official time of death?

9 .07 a .m.

Well, this day just got interesting.

I'm sorry, since when does cadaver in school not equal day off? And why are we

coming to the optional tragedy workshop?

Clearly nobody else is. Are you not at all curious what a tragedy workshop

like? No.

It has to be a heart attack, right?

Poor guy. What a tragedy.

I know. Think of all the students walking around undyed.

I can't imagine someone who looks less warm than her.

You want to bet that at some point she might get her master's degree?

It's not often as educators that we're faced with days like these.

And obviously, nothing we learn in college or our...

Master's classes can prepare us for something like this.

And while this workshop isn't intended to be a ceremony in any way, I would be

remiss if I didn't mention that Mr. Chadwick was a valued member of our

as well as an admired guidance counselor.

His wisdom here at Central Rochester High will be greatly missed.

If any of you want to talk about how you're feeling... Obviously, becoming

id topic isn't rocket surgery.

Chisel a bump off the beak or drop a three -way video.

Same result.

People talk about you and perception is reality.

Talk to him if you need to.

The key is managing perception.

Holy shit.

Mr. Chadwick hung himself in his office last night.

I hate you, Rhonda.

The lesson season is endless. I long for plain beige walls.

Not even a hanging Chadwick can stop student council elections, which means

someone needs my vote. Please, folks, it's an empty office. Let's keep moving

our classes.

I saw Ilo out there this morning looking to pank our card.

He should. It's a wild card. He controls the Indian block and texts half the

school's laptops.

You know, I heard Ilo secured the ComCons this morning, and he sat with

Ligvits at lunch yesterday.

What? What could Ilo possibly promise the LGBTs? I'm not sure, but the vote's

Thursday.

Don't you think we should make a deal with him before he runs away with it?

It's okay.

Hope's not going anywhere. Trust me.

Miss Theatrix has a big play coming.

I think the question is, why haven't we heard from her yet? She sent me an email

last night.

I'm sure I told you. No, you didn't.

My bad.

She wants to meet.

Chills. It's just you weird Chadwick killed himself in there.

Did you know that Chadwick's office has a private bathroom?

Can

you

move your knapsack?

It's a ball sack, actually.

Supposed to be funny.

It's not.

It's juvenile and asinine.

Huh?

You're always so mean to that kid.

I did him a favor by recognizing his existence.

Yeah.

Obviously, we have to handle the situation differently now. I have been

with this crotch nonsense for 15 years.

How are we supposed to govern without secrets?

Govern? It's not the White House. Well, it leaks like it. We need to get this

kid under control. He undermines everything we do around here.

Last year I spent $2 ,500 of PTA money to track the crotch's IP address.

The trail led through Singapore, Greenland, the Netherlands, and ten

countries, and at the end of that crazy convoluted maze, you know where it

landed? My laptop. That kid enjoys screwing with us. You know, I really

Hate what?

That they're smarter than us.

At superintendent, I'm telling you, we need to come up with another plan to

this kid out.

If you have an idea, I'm all in.

All right, let's talk tomorrow.

Gabe, did you find out who the last person was to see Chadwick yesterday?

Uh, Jane Carter.

Will you please bring her down here?

Ladies, hello.

How are you?

Good? Good. Great. As you know, student elections are coming up, and I just

wanted to remind you, vote for Hope. And in case you forgot, I have buttons.

Thank you so much. We need you to campaign.

I need you. All right?

Vote for Ilo. Maybe, you know... I think this would look great on this adorable

jacket of yours. Let's make Rochester great again.

Ladies, make your voice be heard in this school. Wouldn't you like that?

Great.

Well, happy knitting.

Bridge is a ruthless game. It's not just dumb luck. To win takes an acute

ability to read people.

Guess you may have been the last person to see Chadwick alive.

How do you know that? Just got back from Kara's office.

Two clubs.

So do we have a scandal?

Three, Diamond.

Seems like it.

Um, four heart.

That split second eye meant Jane with a Y stretched her bridge bid too far.

She went for the overkill instead of just the kill.

Again. Pass.

Pass.

Pass. Your contract.

Let's play some bridge, bitches.

The Y in her name makes her too aggressive.

She has this completely unmerited superiority complex over plain J -A -N

which is a weakness in both of their personalities to exploit.

Hurley, stop staring at Wise Rack. You're like Sophia Loren in that famous

picture with, uh... Who was it? Jane Mansfield.

You know who's named after her.

She had the Y, too.

Ooh.

Playing. Player eight of hearts.

Ooh, wasted a trump card.

Figured the line was too long, so I brought a few over.

We're on a cleanse.

Well,

that was nice of him.

Nice doesn't win our vote.

Vodka?

How'd you know?

I'm not thinking five cases of vodka to pull off.

Where'd he get all that booze from?

Where do you think?

I'll be right back.

Must be pretty important to get the outdoor treatment.

One would assume you're responsible for the vodka thing.

No, doesn't sound like me.

What I don't understand is, why would you be backing ILO?

Of course, you're backing both.

Student Council runs 11 to 13 school events a year.

I would like some influence in those events.

Gotta respect the business model, Hook.

Cost you some cheap vodka up front, and you get an in to all the student council

run events.

I mean, the whole deal offers someone like you a lot of ways to make some

We made a lemonade stand together in second grade.

Not all that different.

So what did you offer Hope?

The stoners.

That dipshit agreed to that?

It's unprovable. It's just no way of knowing if you delivered or not. Maybe I

happened to speak with her at the exact moment she saw Ilo speaking privately

with the hipsters.

You set her up very slimely. There's actually no slimier than waiting to back

someone to the very end of the race just so you can leverage your most last

-minute desperation.

I wonder who Stacey Moorhead is voting for. You know, her nose has a higher Q

rating than you right now.

Oh.

Just admit it.

You also want the president in your back pocket. You're just waiting on the best

possible deal.

Using strategy with apathy.

I suck at cards.

I mean, I lose at war.

The guys at the summer camp I worked at this summer tried to make me play strip

poker with them all the time, and I was like, guys, come on, this is camp.

I'm sorry.

I'm in your seat.

Stacey, did you lose weight?

You look so different.

You know, I got my nose done.

Right. Yeah, there was this little blurb about it in the crotch this morning.

I'm sure you saw.

But I was like, whatever.

Well, it is cute as a little button. And so natural. I forgot what your old one

looked like.

What was wrong with it again?

Farrah?

Oh, right.

I had a little bump right here.

And weren't your nostrils a little different, too? I had a deviated septum.

Right. Wink.

Insurance.

I'm gonna go. Oh, no.

Yeah.

Hey, good for you for having the guts to go through major surgery instead of

just living the way that you were.

Really brave.

So brave.

Bless her heart.

It's beyond morbid meeting in here.

They could take the firm down.

So how?

I heard Ilo teed up to Pinker Gosh this morning.

First the Comic -Cons, now the Indians, and I'm hearing he's moving on the

Ligvids. You're getting killed in the minority vote. Tell me you have a plan.

I've got the knitters and the dramas.

I've been working other angles, too. Like who? The stoners?

Ilo's vodka stunt just won their drunk asses.

The way I see it, you need me.

Obviously.

I'm standing in the middle of suicide office.

So? So, I assume you read that the school isn't replacing Chadwick.

And? I want your speech to propose, using last year's budget surplus, to

the scene of this horrible tragedy into something positive.

Like what?

A private handicap bathroom.

I get losing the curry and fag blocks are big, but why would I go for the

and wheelie vote?

I mean...

That's like two people, and not the most reliable ones at that.

Do you want my vote or not?

I don't get it.

What do you get from a handicapped bathroom?

A place for handicapped people to go to the bathroom.

Come on, what's the real reason?

That's it.

Look, I'd love to make you a deal, but I already promised it to the band.

There's like 20 -plus votes in the woodwinds alone. How could I just say...

get it. The band's the biggest block in school.

There's got to be something else that gets us in bed together.

Let me get back to you.

Okay. Bye.

I get losing the curry and fad blocks are big. Nighty night, Hope.

Hey.

Before you, uh, hole up in there to do whatever it is you do.

You mean homework?

You weren't at the tragedy workshop today.

Yeah, I didn't feel like I needed to. He wasn't my guidance counselor.

Still, it happened at our school.

I'm not unsympathetic to it, I just... I didn't feel like working out my

feelings in a room full of people I barely know.

Fair enough.

Probably for the best, I didn't have a clue what to say up there.

I'm sure whatever you said helped.

Oh, I know I wanted to say that thing that would make it better for someone,

when you think about it, there's really nothing to say.

I'm going to go rest for a minute, and then I'll make some dinner.

I can go pick something up for us if you want.

Thanks. I'm not really hungry. I'm just going to make a little something for

you.

Mom?

You didn't see Chadwick up there, did you? Thank God, no.

Any idea why he did it?

None.

I'm sorry today sucked so bad.

Thanks. Me too.

Hey.

I love you.

I love you too.

When it comes to the balance of power at Central Rochester, having the school

-wired helps, but sometimes you don't just need to go to the source, you need

control it.

Think, Hope?

Really? Someone feeling a little irrelevant?

Not enough chatter about you today?

The crotch is not backing Hope.

You drew a halo on her head.

Fine. You want me to take Hope down a peg?

I will plant a seed tomorrow and we can watch it germinate. I'll get you more

than a seed if I get what I want from Milo.

A candlelight vigil?

Everybody's going to think Hope's like this great person now. I mean, it's a

game changer. I'm just pissed I didn't think of it first.

Pull into the garage.

Why do I always have to pull into the garage?

You embarrassed that someone might see my car outside your house? It's called

chivalry. Do you realize that there's not one picture of us on your Instagram?

Look, do you want an online relationship or one in real life?

I probably just lost the election. Can this maybe not be about your feelings

right now, please?

I really need Farrah on my side.

You'll get her.

Trust me.

Thank you.

Napoleon.

Are you ever going to tell me how you figured out that I'm the crotch?

What if I tell you something that will blow the doors off the school?

Now why would I make that deal when you're clearly dying to tell me anyway?

It's big. How big?

Chamber big.

Okay, last time you said that... I know, okay, but this one is worth it.

When we first started our unholy alliance, neither of us trusted that the

wasn't taping our chat.

So Cowher came up with this chamber of trust solution.

He says he read it in some book, which may or may not be true.

But what the hell?

I'll throw him a bone, so to speak.

Truth is, I feel bad for Cowher.

The kid's socially awkward.

I see our setup as a mutually beneficial charity case.

How is Ilo handling the Hope News?

Ask Hurley. She's with him right now as we speak.

What do you mean, with him?

With him, with him.

So cute when they think they have their secrets.

How'd you find her?

By my phone app.

Of course you know her password.

I know things.

That's exactly why I had my password changed twice a day. Thank you very

I know that, too.

So are you, like, mad at Hurley?

I mean, clearly she thinks she's manipulating you.

I don't blame her.

She's got a lot of bad luck with dudes.

Let her have her quasi -secrets.

Open up.

Hey, you bought my conditioner.

Yeah.

Friends don't let friends get split ends, right? So this is what you think

friends do.

Stand naked in the shower together.

I'm just saying we are friends.

So, what did you learn that'll blow the doors off this school?

Guess what Mr. Chadwick was doing when he accidentally hung himself.

You've heard of autoerotic asphyxiation, right?

After hearing the intimate details of Chadwick's demise, and thinking about

devastated his family would be if they ever found out,

Walking in to find my dad's stuff in boxes didn't really faze me.

After all, if you taught me anything, it's that if you don't like the story,

change the headline.

The heads turning right now are precisely the same ones who will vote

come election day.

These are the people who watch the doors at parties and visit the crotch as

often as they do TMZ.

I fully expect some of the attention to manifest itself in jealousy.

I get why.

It doesn't bother me. It just means they're still looking.

And more important, still following.

organized the vigil. I should get to decide who speaks at it. It's

school event if it's held on public school grounds.

I demand equal speaking time.

Is there going to be praying at this thing? Cause if so, I'm a no show.

Well, I have to go.

I was last person to see him alive. I feel like I have a responsibility to

family. Are you kidding? Is she kidding? Are we sure that going tonight isn't

going to look like we're backing hope, which we might be.

Social decorum insists we attend. We're not animals.

Hey, you have ILO in your English class, right?

Yeah. Can you do me a favor?

This isn't creepy at all.

So, did you negotiate yourself into speaking tonight?

Two minutes.

Wedge between Arbit and St. Hope.

You gotta give it to her.

Clever play with a sympathy card.

Yet here we are talking terms.

So what do you want from me?

You're standing in it.

I want you to use the treasury surplus to turn this into a private handicap

bathroom. And I'll assume you'll want a key for this handicap bathroom?

Perhaps copies for Hurley and the Janes? If that's what you think it's for.

It seems too easy.

Why didn't I make that deal with you?

She already promised the space for the band. She got the band, too?

Oh, I've been working on those schmucks all week.

All right.

We'll talk on election day.

That's the email that took St. Hope down.

You'll know when to use it tonight.

Should we cut a deal with Ilo?

Hurley will be happy.

You're a good friend when you want to be.

Do you have the vigil?

And over every meeting in his office, I became closer to Mr. Chadwick.

Not just for guidance, but for friendship.

In fact, he's the one who advised me to run for student council president.

Mr. Chadwick, you will forever be in our hearts here at Central Rochester.

And I know wherever you are hanging up there, you're still guiding us.

Thank you.

I have to go. My mom just called.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I'm sure it's nothing.

Okay.

Mr.

Chadwick always made time for me.

I'd sit across from him, and we'd chat, and he'd never rush me out of his

office.

cared.

Let us all join hands.

My candle burns at both ends. It will not last the night.

But ah, my foe, and oh.

My friend, it gives a lovely light.

Before we do this, are you sure we should

post it?

It's not just going to lose hope the election.

She's about to have her acapella group sing See You Again.

Posting now.

Yeah. Look, you just won yourself a bathroom.

I get losing the curry and fad blocks are big, but why would I go for the

and wheelie vote?

I mean, that's like two people, and not the most reliable one.

Okay.

Holy crap, Daisy.

I just won the election.

Yeah, you did.

I feel bad for the Chadwicks.

You know, knowing what we know.

Everyone has their secrets.

Yeah, but if he was into that, imagine all the other perverted stuff he was up

to.

Mr. Chadwick must have been willfully blind.

You never know.

I mean, he could have kept his kink totally separate and pursue any

the office far from where he tucks his kitties in at night with their stuffed

animals.

Do you have a key for the faculty offices on you?

Always.

Okay. I'm feeling very skin -crawly about this.

48 hours ago, a man hung himself in this room.

No way. A camera?

What were they doing?

Let's go.

Wait. No. Okay. We cannot take that. They will notice it's gone.

We'll return it later.

Okay, but Colin.

I won.

I'm the president.

I screwed up.

I knew that prick was using Harley and I did nothing to stop it.

We already killed Hope, so I almost got the election thrown up.

At least you're getting your bathroom, right?

It's not like this will not... Big still.

Big still, big still.

Community big still? No.

Definitely a big still.

Remind me never to screw with you?

Female cause?

No, animal. Animal! Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, where were you?

What are you looking for? I'll help you.

I'm looking for her.

Who is that?

Grace Pell.

Our next student council president.

Music featured in this episode of Youth in Consequences.

Things are just starting to heat up at Central Rochester High and trust me, you

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