Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

I think she just stopped that. Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to

biscuits. Red Hot Dale.

Loads of total ones.

The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Now 24 hours a day. Service with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help.

Roger that.

Tick.

Am I getting paid for this? Valco!

Serves you right.

You know, I'm just glad I could be of help. And thank you. Thank you for

shopping at Falco.

Oh, I'm impressed you've stopped saying Morrison.

Yet new Lou.

Yes, she's professional.

She gets results. She actually comes to work instead of scraping in. Well done,

Lou. That's a huge step.

Do you think the figures will be in yet? Yes, it should be any minute.

Oh, they've got to be better than last week. Surely, surely, surely.

Well, let's hope so with this new Lou in charge.

Who?

That is liver.

Oh, it's so squidgy.

And that is rump. I think I've had my hands on enough rump this week.

OK, Mousy.

Absolutely, Colin. Sorry.

May I?

Ow!

Sorry, Colin.

Colin all cause.

Colin all cause.

I think I'll get on with the old shopping.

I shall see you in a mo.

Not if I see you in a mo first.

A static shot. Or a love shot. Don't!

You're late.

What happened to the protocol?

I don't like wearing them.

No, the lateness protocol. If you're running late, you're supposed to text me

and say, the sugar in Rio is very sweet. We discussed this.

Why can't I just say I'm late?

Because it could be intercepted.

Boots could be poaching our customers, the very devious.

Well, I like boots.

They were great with me this morning.

You went to another pharmacy?

Well, they've got this nice little room where you can go in and tell them all

your problems.

A consultation room, Margaret? They're a fad.

Yeah, but we don't go to church as much nowadays.

And, you know, I like to get things off my chest.

Hold it.

Are you going there for confession?

Well, what else are they for?

Well, you seem in a bad mood today.

Leece has not slept with your Uncle Sean again, has she?

It was a wake, Neville. Emotions were high.

Right. Do you know what, Neville? I've forgiven Leece, but I'm a little pissed

off with you, mate.

Been left on my own all week to look after the deli and the meat counter.

You've had to actually do work. You know how much that annoys me. Work my

bollocks off, mate!

Literally, one of my plums has changed shape due to the strain.

In my defence, I have had the norovirus. Full disclosure, Meg and I both had it

after she cooked for me last week. And what, it'd have killed you to stick a

nappy on and come to work now?

Well, it was lovely, actually. You know, we spent the whole week together and we

just talked.

Don't you two ever just talk?

Oh, yeah, we just talk.

You know, like, in between reading books and going to art museums.

I think you mean galleries.

We did try just talking once, but it was weird. Like, oh, hello, how are you?

Oh, yes, fine, thank you very much. Yeah, so we just quit the chat and

But Meg and I really got to know each other.

You know, in between toilet visits. So many visits.

Still, she's a real cracker, isn't she? I don't care, Neville!

Okay, so why don't you shut up about Meg and get back to work, man?

Oh, it's just yadda, yadda, yadda, Meg, Meg, whatever.

Megan is lovely, lovely, he never... Tis you.

Tis you.

Okay, so last night's takings are, drumroll... Ah.

What, they're not up?

I'm afraid not, no.

Oh, wait, are you doing... You're doing that...

X -factor thing where you say, oh, the figures are down or not being down and

they're actually up and you're through to the judges' houses.

I'm so sorry, Lou, but they're very clear.

That's a picture of a bookcase.

Oh, sorry, that's my screen saver.

OK, so new Lou is exactly as rubbish as old Lou. Oh, nice one, new Lou. Oh, shut

up, old Lou, you bag of sick!

Lou, listen, look, when you fall off a horse, you have to get straight back on

again. It's great advice, Gavin, but do you see any horses around here? I'm

sorry, I just... I need to be alone.

Of course.

Sorry, this is my office.

Fine.

Gavin,

I need more resources. The pharmacy's being left behind.

Oh, Brian, if this is about the Valco ambulance, I've told you a thousand

no. No, I need a consultation room. All the other pharmacies have them, and

they're laughing at us.

Boots, Superdrug, Lloyds, all rolling round on the floor laughing at me, you

Valco. OK, fine.

Do it today. Well, you can just... Sorry, what? Just trial it today, and if

runs smoothly, then I'll allow it. Really?

I didn't think you'd give in so easily.

I was going to chain myself to your desk until you gave in, but... Oh, well.

Morning, ladies.

Linda.

I never saw you in here the other day with a woman.

Ah, the lovely Meg. Yes, we popped into stock up at a modium.

She seems to have put a spring in your step. Any more of a spring, I'd turn

a pogo stick.

She's cooking me a romantic meal tonight. White rice.

Rice. Well, our stomachs haven't quite settled yet.

Nor, truth be told, have our hearts.

Anyway, I can't stop and chat.

Boing.

Oh, it's nice to see Nev happy again.

Yeah. And he's not bothering me about you all the time now. And I actually

he's happier than he was with you.

Good. It's nice that she's cooking him a romantic meal, too.

Treating him well.

Yeah, well, me and Craig are actually dead romantic, too, so... All right,

babes. Oh, hey, you. How about I cook us a nice romantic meal tonight?

No, it's leg day, so I'll be knackered.

Oh, go on. I'll make it really special.

Yeah, all right.

But it needs to be all protein for my recovery, so don't try anything fancy.

You know I'll rubbish you out of that stuff.

Oh, romantic.

A peach tie?

I thought we were having a wedding, not going to Mardi Gras.

Oh, you tricked her.

And that's I.

Yeah, mad.

I look like Liberace.

I'm off to ski.

To head off to ski.

They want to catch up on all things 24 -hour Velcro. Can you just tell them

Lou is trying really hard. Yes, all right.

Bye.

Oh,

you've not come clean about Lou yet, have you?

I probably won't have to, you know.

I think Lou's really turning a corner. Why is there a Kit Kat in here?

And a Kinder Egg.

Yeah, admittedly, that is Lou, but we all have our little mishaps. Like nearly

burning the shop down.

Look, I like Lou, but she's absolutely useless.

I know. What was I thinking in the first place? Hiring the worst possible night

manager so that Velcro 24 would fail.

It is looking great back there. It's like a proper doctor's surgery, albeit

crammed into a three foot by three foot dispensing cupboard.

Can I have an appointment?

Strictly speaking, madam, I can't make appointments. You'll need to speak to my

assistant, Margaret.

Can I have an appointment?

Oh, we happen to have one available now.

If you'd like to step this way, please, madam.

Margaret. Hold my calls?

What does that mean?

It's what doctors say.

No, seriously, though, if it does ring, just answer it and take a message.

Hello,

Dr Boone.

Hello. I'm sorry you heard what I said, but... Gavin, stop. Before you go any

further, I'd like to say my piece. I've written it down so that it doesn't come

out all angry and...

You're a twat, Gavin Strong. You're a big, twatty arse with

stupid... I can't read my writing.

I get the picture.

Please, just let me explain.

Explain what?

That I'm an idiot?

Oh, you're not an idiot. Sorry, you do realise you're drinking bubble bath?

Yeah.

Okay.

Carton the table.

I did hire you because you were the worst candidate.

What?

But you've got the most important thing that any member of my staff needs.

A car.

You're a trier. You don't let constant failure get you down. You get knocked

down, you get up again. There's nothing going to keep me down.

Chumbawamba.

Now, I need you to keep trying.

I need you to stop drinking that bubble bath. No, come on, it tastes really

nice. I'm surprised there aren't more pine -flavoured drinks.

You're under -trained.

And that's my fault.

And that ends today.

I'm going to work you harder than you've ever worked before. We're going to turn

those failing figures around.

I'm going to make you a capable supermarket night manager. Are you with

Does that mean yes?

Yes! Yes! Come on!

Neville, this might sound mad.

No, no, no, no.

You fancy Neville. Everything that comes out of your mouth sounds mad. I know

it's probably too soon, but... Um, how would you feel about going away for a

weekend together?

I'd love that. How romantic.

How shit.

Oh, come on, Colin.

Doesn't Lisa ever let you take her anywhere special?

Do you really want me to answer that, Nev?

Fair point.

Can I get ten chicken thighs, two sirloin steaks and some turkey breast?

Cooking for Craig tonight.

Right, is Craig a fucking lion?

Well, lucky Craig is all I can say.

On the few occasions Linda cooked for me, it was absolutely smashing.

Oh, where are my manners?

Meg, this is Linda.

Oh, you're Linda.

I've heard so much about you. You're absolutely beautiful.

Yeah. Well, I have to thank you, Linda.

for putting this one back on the shelf.

Oh, no, she chucked him back. She almost broke him. That's a good job she did.

All right, I'd never have met my little Renault Meg.

Beep, beep.

Neville is such a romantic, isn't he? He's always buying me little presents.

Sorry, I can't remember your name.

Just got to get this, Craig.

Hello. Oh, babes.

That's so sweet.

He just called to say that he loved me. Oh.

And now he's singing me a song.

Oh.

I will do my best, Gavin, but can you really teach someone to be a night

in a day? Listen, it's not that hard a job. When I was reading a retail monthly

about a supermarket in the Netherlands, it was actually run by an iPhone.

I'm no iPhone, Gavin.

You cannot expect that level from me.

Well, listen, let's start with the tilts. What do you see?

I see people shopping. I see stuff.

Market stuff. I see a new graph here. I see electrical items, cuddly toy.

What I see is the nerve centre of retail.

If this area isn't run well, the rest of the store doesn't work. The queues,

they get longer, and people just leave.

Yeah, that is happening a lot on the night shift.

Yeah? Well, let's just check the variables now, shall we? OK, right, so

everything's fine, right? Right. Wrong.

Why? Because Karen, look at her, she's looking at her watch. Why? Well, because

she's due a break, and so is Carl. But if they both go, we're two tills down.

Have your replacements ready.

Daddy a break.

Yeah. Or we could ask that lady there to open her till close sign. She is just

sitting there doing wiggly squish.

Yeah, let's not run before we can walk. You know, it takes many months before a

manager can feel able to deal with Lisa. And truth be told, I sometimes

struggle. What are you looking at?

Do you want me to come over there and give you something to look at, do you?

Sorry, Lisa, I just... Just don't make any eye contact. Walk away, walk away.

I'm sure he would love help with making a claim.

Yeah, well, his name is Dr. Brian Fulton, and his address... Like I say,

probably just a neck strain, but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't

that it could be dengue fever.

So, try the painkillers and icing the neck. If that doesn't work, come back

we'll do some blood tests. All right. Well, thank you very much. Bye.

Who was that?

Your personal injury lawyers.

Who? I'm here for a two o 'clock consultation.

Step this way, please, sir.

It's a bit delicate. Trust me, I'm a professional. Great.

Colin's phoned in sick at the last minute. It's the fourth time this month.

do you do?

I send him a card.

No, you tell him he needs a doctor's note.

Neville is refusing to work on the meat counter for religious reasons.

Do you move him?

No. Or... Or maybe.

OK, right.

Margaret has been caught stealing from the loading bay. It's the third time.

What do you do? I...

Tell her, Margaret, you're fired.

Yes, you're right.

Yes. Well, it's been fun working here.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I haven't fired you. You're not fired.

Oh, okie dokie.

Gavin, I got one right. Yes, I got one right. I can do it. You can do it, Lou.

Come on. What's next?

Right, aisle 12. Tell me what's wrong.

Those need restocking.

That cage needs moving. That needs to go back to the chiller aisle. Good, good.

My hair is looking amazing today. Can you take a picture?

Again?

Fine.

Why not get one with both of us? Oh, do we have to?

Yeah, all right, fine.

Sue.

There you go.

Thanks. Ah.

That's nice.

What are you doing?

Are you cropping me out?

What?

I look better on my own.

It's funny.

He treats you just like you used to treat Neville.

No, we don't. Doesn't want to spend any time together?

Doesn't want to have any pictures of you together?

No, it's different.

No, it isn't.

You're the nevel in the relationship.

No, I'm not, Sue.

I'm not the nevel.

Ow! Oh, just cut myself.

I'll get you a plaster, Nev.

I am not the nevel.

Oh, wait, I can't.

Nevel's used them all.

Well, I'd better pop down to the pharmacy then, see if we do.

You know this one will have to open another till because it's nearly school

time. Oh, you put out a call on the tanner. Yeah, or, no, you know what? I'm

going to ask Lisa.

Hey, Lisa.

Can you open your till, please?

Can I fork?

Absolutely fair enough.

I'm not ready.

Don't worry, she's just a terrified woman. Still, you're taken to the rest

brilliantly.

Oh, yeah.

Cheryl, may I introduce to you our all -new night manager and the best in the

region, Lou Chattel. At your service, Your Majesty.

Sorry, I've got to now go and make a tannoy announcement.

Yes, indeed, there's no reason... Oh, booyah! Oh, God.

Oops.

I know she's had some teething problems, but I think that the braces are finally

off and the milk teeth are gone and Lou Chettle is chomping her way to the top.

Gavin, she's a disaster and head office feel the same.

I'm going to have to fire her.

No, you can't. I mean, she's... She's dying.

Lou's dying?

OK, look, she's not dying, but she's really improved. Can't you get head

to change their mind? Her figures are terrible. She almost burned down the

store. I'll have a little hiccup. I signed off an email this morning with

Thanks. I'm sorry, Gavin. They've already made up their minds.

Plus, I haven't fired anyone in ages, and I love a good firing.

809 -1106.

Last three years, 149.

Okey -dokey. Bye.

Have you ever seen anything like it? No.

No, I haven't.

Try the ointment. If that doesn't clear it up, I'll just get it removed.

Is that the embarrassing bodies guy?

Good. Cos I've got something wrong with me guts.

And it's had me miffed in the spare room all week.

Do you want a glove, mate?

Come in.

Oh.

OK, Cheryl.

I need to complain.

I've done a terrible...

God, it's not a woman. I'm sorry.

I thought you were having an affair.

No, no, it's about Lou.

She really doesn't deserve to be fired.

Oh, now, darling, come on. We've been over this a million times. She's

at her job.

Yes, I know, and that's why I hired her.

I wanted her to fail.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

I didn't want Valco 24 to happen, so I thought if I hired her, she'd fail and

everything would go back to normal.

Oh, Gavin.

You lied to me.

Poor Lou.

No, I'm a cheat.

I'm... I'm Lance Armstrong.

Harming your own store's figures.

Your own quarterlies.

Do you think I liked hurting my own quarterlies?

We are supposed to be man and wife soon. I don't know you. No, it's still me.

It's still little Gavin Strong.

I'm just...

Trying to do the right thing, but please, please don't fire her.

It's too late now. It's done.

I mean, are there any other secrets that I don't know about? Is our whole

relationship alive?

No, no, no, there's none.

OK, I don't like cumin, but that's the only one. And I didn't tell you because

know how much you love making chilli.

I am going home, Gavin Strong. I am going home to cook chilli for one,

and it's going to be full.

A cumin.

Oh, Cheryl.

Cheryl! Ryan.

Ryan, I only wanted to see you about my work ball strain, but are you seriously

telling me that there's nothing normal going on down there? Nothing. Nothing at

all. Gavin!

We need to talk about this consultation room.

Do you know what?

Keep it. Do whatever you like. Ryan, Ryan, also, me got a problem round the

back. Right, every single time I go to bog...

He's like a hot Mr. Whippy, just flying out. No, no consultation room. I can't

go through that again.

Well, what about this morning?

I don't belong back there. I should be out front, the face of the pharmacy.

But I thought you said the boots were laughing at us. Well, let them laugh,

Gavin. Are you so insecure that you can't handle that? Anyway, they're

laughing at you and Valco. When they laugh at me, it's with a grudging

that's more of a cheer than a laugh.

Hey, Brian, fine. Just get rid of it.

Crubs stick on your body.

It's no easy way to say this, Craig, but it's not working out, me and you.

No spark there.

We put the bloody protein shake down. Try what you're pointing at.

You don't need to. It's fine, honest.

See, I need to be treated like a queen, and you never make time for me. You

don't want to be seen with me, and I just don't think you're that intimate.

And if anyone's going to be like that in a relationship, it needs to be me.

Sorry.

Fair enough.

What are you doing?

Just broke up with Craig.

What? He's gorgeous.

I had to. I can't be the Neville. How did you take it?

I was heartbroken. I know this might be too soon, but have you got any naked

pictures of him on your phone?

Come on, give us a look.

What do you mean, would I like to make another donation?

Can you hold?

Yep.

A date for my compensation court.

You could act your own brother on that.

I'm so sorry.

It's OK. It's probably for the best.

What's all that stuff in the box?

Include my desk.

Right. I haven't got a desk.

Is that my computer?

It's been emotional, Gavin. Can't put it back now.

I need to go home. I need to explain to the kids that being sacked doesn't mean

being put in a sack.

It just means not having any money.

Sorry again, Lou.