Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red hot tails.

Loads of tofu ones. The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Now 24 hours a day. Service with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help.

Roger that.

Tick.

Am I getting paid for this? Valco!

Serves you right.

Morning.

Morning.

What in the name of San Pellegrino?

We've been evacuated, Gavin.

Yes, we'll have to go home, Gavin.

Lou? Hi, Gavin.

How are you? You look really well. What happened?

What? This.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, it's not a flood, which is good. In fact, it's

much the opposite of a flood. It's a fire, clearly.

Yeah, a baby one.

Oh,

I've got this under control.

Mr Strong.

Safety approach.

That's a bakery fire, sir.

Fire in the bakery. Total write -off, I'm afraid.

Line of damage to two of the ovens. Possibly three.

We don't have three.

Unconfirmed. But you can reopen the rest of the store. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No one reopens anything until I've done a full safety check.

OK. Safety reopen.

Lou, Lou, Lou, this is a disaster. What on earth?

I think we need to look at the positive.

Glass half full. What? Glass half full. Half full glasses. What? Every cloud.

You're just saying words.

Positive words.

Anyway, I'm going to hand over to you now. Have a great day.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't. No, no, this is on your watch.

Head office are going to have kittens. Oh, God, I love kittens.

Listen, you can tell them that this would have been a lot worse if I hadn't

the fire brigade almost immediately.

Almost? Yeah. Well, I thought you had to leave it for half an hour to see if the

fire died down.

Dear God.

I wanted to be a fireman. An ambition, Colin.

Not like you. It just seemed like the natural choice for me, you know.

I just kept starting fires.

My uncle's a fireman. He says they mainly sit about all day playing pool

watching porn.

They're like my two specialist subjects.

Yeah, Colin's like a porn encyclopedia.

He watches them all.

Yeah, it's like a labour of love for me, and the best thing about it, a new

video is uploaded every two seconds.

He's like Rain Man, but filthy.

Right, now, back to work, everyone.

Now, Colin, the area around the meat counter needs a mop. And, Shai, will you

just stand by the front entrance just to reassure people on the way in? What

should I say?

Well, just tell them the truth. There's been a fire, but everything is fine now.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

We no longer have a fire. Excuse me, Gavin.

Listen, Margaret, I'm a little bit busy. Well, I don't want to worry you, but

there's been an alarm going off. Oh, yes, yes, for the fire.

Yeah, well, I thought you should know in case it's something important.

Yes, like a fire. Oh, I hope not.

I couldn't bet.

The fire alarm going off as well.

Harry,

where were you on the night of the 14th? Do you mean last night?

Yes. Then why not just say that, then? That's not how they talk in an

investigation. So, where were you? I was out with some mates.

OK, I was at home with a girl.

Don't lie to me, Harry.

OK, I was at my nan's and I had a really bad nightmare and she's got loads of

room in her bed, but I didn't start the fire, OK?

Thank you.

Harry... Don't write that down!

Man.

Welcome to Valkyrie. Your chances of dying are very slim.

Hello, Heather. Don't look at me!

OK.

OK, erm... But don't tell Gavin.

What? It's not obvious.

I've lost my Valkyrie name badge.

Oh, I think Gavin's got more important things to worry about.

You've just been kind.

I'm going to be sacked.

Mum's right.

I'll end up on the streets.

A Thai prostitute.

Don't cry. Don't cry.

I've got an idea.

Sometimes they keep it bare.

You can be Karen today.

Oh, I touched your hand.

I should be reassuring.

You've reassured me.

See you later. Bye.

Karen. Welcome to Barker. Your chances of dying are very slim.

Karen.

Karen.

Karen.

I've been thinking, Nev.

Gosh, this is a day of firsts. About little Colin.

Oh, right. Do you mean your... I mean me as a kid, you knobhead.

Oh, goodness.

About my dreams, being a fireman.

Like, how can I, big Colin, look at little Colin in the eye?

No, I just gave up. Well, you know, working for Valco is a very worthwhile

career. I hold my head up high and say, I don't miss running my own company, my

corner office, the living wage, an actual chair.

I'm not like you, am I, Neville?

I ain't a loser.

No, no, very true.

Yeah, right.

I'm going to have to go and give little Colin a cuddle. In this time, I do mean

my penis.

Hi, can I get some mint?

Certainly, madam. Would you like lamb or beef?

If I can have the... Oh, shit! Are you all right? No, I think so.

Colin, could you get a nice pack? I can't, Lev. I have to put little Colin

now.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's just a very minor fire.

The store was only closed for about 15 minutes.

More like three hours, Gav. Any less would have been dangerous, you loon.

Um, yes, yes, I'll arrange the engineer this end. Thank you, June. Yeah, bye!

Right.

Right, that's HQ off the centre a bit. Yeah, good.

Fuck off, June!

It's like a bloody nanny's date!

Lou, this is a very serious matter. There was a fire in the store, right?

could have died.

Well, not really. The store was completely empty. We haven't had any

for hours. You know, I had sent most of the staff home.

What?

Yes, hello, come in.

Well, I think we've discovered the cause of the fire.

Somebody put something flammable in one of the ovens.

Arson?

Potentially.

Gavin.

I have a horrible feeling this could be my fault.

You see, I was up here when an urgent fax for you came through. Urgent? What

does it say? I don't know, because I accidentally spilled minestrone soup all

over it. I always grab a tin off the shelf at the back of the job. It really

not. So I popped downstairs and I just put the facts into one of the ovens to

dry out. Oven?

Suddenly I remembered that I had left my phone at home. I also had Candy Crush

during my suit break. It really helps me to completely forget about work. You're

not supposed to forget about your work. So I very, very quickly drove home. You

what? Chill out, Gav. I was just gone. I was gone half an hour, an hour tops.

Certainly, certainly no more than two.

But you can probably guess where I'm headed with this. I think I can.

I think it was then that the arsonist snuck into the store and put something

into one of the ovens, presumably also stealing your facts, because I never saw

it again.

No. The fact was the flammable object.

Someone sent flammable facts? That's insane.

Paper burns. When you put it in the oven, you cause the fire.

How's it looking?

Is there an egg?

Oh, there is a bit.

Oh, no, does it look horrible?

No, not at all. You wear it very well. Oh, you're very sweet.

Is there someone I can call to come and pick you up?

Um, not really.

I can't call my husband or my best friend.

Not now they're both on the same number.

Ah, yes.

I know that scenario well.

Oh, really?

Indeed, yes. I always say it's just nice to see them both so happy.

Oh, absolutely.

I can never go back to a separate kitchen and bedroom.

I've even got new windows now. I finally had them replaced after the gas

explosion. I always say you've never really rented a place until you've been

blown out of it.

Jinx?

I'm Neville, by the way. Oh, Meg.

Ice. Ice.

Maybe.

Go and ask him before he goes.

Don't be such a wuss.

Excuse me.

Colin wants to know how you become a fireman. It's his childhood dream.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yes, sir. We've got a station visit today.

Well, there's many school kids and that, but... Fire truck.

Will there be a fire truck there?

Yeah.

Yes.

He said yes.

All right.

Hook down later, then.

Yes, sir.

Oh, God!

I'm in Colin. How does that sound? Like a really shit kids' programme.

Oh, babes, I thought of you with a massive yellow helmet.

Like when I had that little problem? Oh, and the blue boiler thing.

Right, yeah, this chick, Harry, she loves a guy in uniform.

Yeah, my first boyfriend was a lollipop man.

I'd better prepare, man. I'm going to be in the bogs, studying.

Oh, babe, isn't it? I'm sure you're not singed. No, look, I'm absolutely fine.

I'm just a little warm.

But look, we really need to talk about this 24 -hour business.

Well, I completely agree.

I mean, it just seems like Lou's not up to the job. Oh, I don't think it's that.

I know you believe in her, my love. After all, you hired her. But could it

that she's pulled a fast one on us and lied about her CV?

I just think there's this whole idea of the Valco 24 that's the problem.

Yeah, but head office have made their mind up now.

They've already rolled it out.

You know, they're not going to change their mind. It'd be like turning around

the Titanic.

Which is what they should have done.

Valco's heading for an iceberg and we're just shuffling the deck chairs.

Yeah, but it sounds like we have a dodgy deck chair, my love. Either Lou's frame

is rotten or her canvas is torn. Either way, we can't sit on her. Well, her

canvas may be a little unconventional, but her frame is strong and willing.

this ruddy great 24 -hour iceberg we've got to worry about.

Do you want us all to die in an ICC having never known true love?

No, I'm sorry. You've seen this film more than I have. I'm a bit lost now.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, love.

I mean, I suppose the point is, do you want to take action on Lou now or do you

want me to?

Hi, Margaret. Here are some weed bells.

Thanks, Karen, love.

Kat, oh.

Oh, yeah, Karen.

No probs, Em.

Oh, proper hungover today.

Oh, big night, was it? Oh, yeah.

Got back late. Had a massive row with my boyfriend.

Wanker. Oh, dear.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's a biker.

And a rapper.

Always sounds a bit rough.

Oh, he is, Em. But what can I do? I love him.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, I do. I do love you. I hope it all works out for your Karen love.

Doubt it. But that's just Karen's life, eh?

Catch you later, Em.

Yeah.

I feel so silly.

Not at all.

If I had a pound for every time I smashed my face into something, I could

reconstructive surgery.

Oh, Neville, I think you look nice.

Right, well, I'd better get back to my meat.

Yes, and I should get back to my car before I get a ticket.

It's free parking here.

Never stops me getting one.

Well, it was lovely to meet you, Meg. Oh, yes, and you, Neville. Thank you.

My saviour.

Fine, thank you. Thank you for everything.

I'm all right. Just my leg. I'm all right.

Like yum -yums.

Are you shy?

Yeah. Fresh out of the oven, shy?

I suppose.

You did it, didn't you?

Did what? You caused the fire.

You came in during the night shift, turned the ovens on, That you could get

hands on just one sweet piece of pastry. But you turned it up too high.

Didn't you, Shy?

And you burned the goddamn razor.

No.

Oh.

I was kind of counting on you saying yes to that bit.

Oh.

Sorry.

All right. Well, that's all I've got. Thanks, mate.

You couldn't just, um... Oh, yeah.

OK. Can I have the... Nope.

Thank you.

It's Fireman Colin.

Oh, babe, that was it.

Yeah, fine, why wouldn't it be? So you signed up, then? Yeah, yeah, of course,

yeah. Oh, my God, Colin, you did it.

I'm going to be shagging a fireman again.

You what?

I mean, I'm going to be shagging a fireman. Well, I'm going to miss you,

like a brother. A violent, perverted brother.

Yeah, mate, I've got to say, you're an absolute inspiration.

I'm lying, I'm lying. I couldn't do it.

It just wasn't what I was expecting. Lee's like, they haven't even got a pool

table. And do you know what? They don't watch anywhere near as much porn as they

used to. Yeah, well, that'll be the cuts. Yeah, and firemen are mugs, right?

They show me this training video and they actually run into buildings when

they're on fire. Well, that is rather the point. It's fucking stupid.

Neville doesn't even run into fires. Well, not knowingly. What was little

thinking? Are you serious? You chickened out because it was too dangerous?

Oh, Colin.

I wanted a man in uniform.

Hello? I've got one.

Valco.

Lisa, ambition kills.

You are so not getting any tonight.

Lisa?

Excuse me. Are these on special?

Two for one, love. Oh, great.

Thanks. Drama.

Let Karen tell you about drama.

Sorry? I come home.

There he is. Doing the dirty. Guess who with?

What? Only my sister.

My own flesh and blood.

The other mums on the estate, they say to me, Karen, you're too nice, you are.

He's mugging you off.

Well, I can't help it, can I? I love him.

That's just Karen's life, eh?

Are you, Gavin?

Oh, you've got a face like a smacked bone.

What's the matter?

I've done a terrible, terrible thing, Margaret. Something I am.

Truly ashamed of. It's not one of them dodgy internet searches, is it? No, no.

I've just played some wicked games on people like some sort of evil puppet

master. Well, my Alan always says, anybody can screw up, but it takes a

person to fix it.

He said that to our son when he were done for murder.

Murder? Oh, no, I mean speeding.

Gavin, sorry.

Okay, as soon as I got your message, you wanted to talk to me.

Yeah, do you want to finish brushing your teeth first, Lou? Yeah, that'd be

brilliant.

Clean?

Very nice.

So, what did you want to say?

Listen, we're going to have to talk to Cheryl about the fire this morning.

Well, what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell her it was all my fault. Yeah,

if you say that, then she'll have no choice but to sack you. I would hate

I love having a job, finally. I love all the free soup and DVDs. You took the

DVDs, too? Only for my kids.

Sorry,

I'm just imagining getting home.

It's in their little disappointed face.

Mummy failed again.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lou. You mustn't feel bad. You have always been fair, always

been honest. I haven't, Lou.

But I can fix this. Now, Cheryl is as cunning as a fox and as wily as a...

another fox.

But, listen, I know that woman so well and I know what she's going to ask you.

So all you've got to do is to learn the answers.

Do you understand?

I'm putting away the meat.

I'm saying goodbye to the old church day.

I'm putting away the meat.

I'm wrapping up the sausages nice and neat. Meg, did you forget something?

Yes, I forgot to ask.

If you would like to come up to mine for dinner?

On a date?

Gosh, well, I...

Oh, sorry, I should have known someone like you wouldn't be single, you bloody

bullmeg! Do you know what? I would absolutely love to.

That's amazing!

Oh, I don't have a table, but I'm a terrible cook. Not a problem. I'd take

to a restaurant, but I've less money than a beggar.

So it's a date, then?

Yes, I think it might just be that.

Back on the old horse, Neville. Back on the saddle.

Yeah!

Sorry.

Come in.

Ah, Lou.

Lou, good. Come and take a seat, will you? As quick as you can.

I'm sorry to drag you in early. I just wanted to have a quick chat with you

about the night shift.

Yeah, it was completely fine.

I was just here anyway. I was working on my sales plan for tonight.

Oh, well, that's good. That's good, because that was actually something that

wanted to talk to you about.

Um, figures are quite down, aren't they? Any idea why?

Yeah.

Right, go on.

Yucky, they don't like it. Sorry?

The night customers don't like the stock.

Oh, you mean we're not catering to their taste?

Yes. Right, so would a separate order for the night customers be useful?

Yeah. Good, great, let's put that down, separate order. Great, anything else?

Hand above.

Excuse me? Hand on top. Hand on top.

Handover! Oh, you mean a better handover between your staff and mine?

What a great idea.

No, no, I agree. And then you could prepare the display for the night

who are looking for different products.

Exactly! Exactly, Lou!

I know, that all makes sense.

Isn't it? That is great.

And I was thinking, what about a bar?

Yeah, I was thinking... Yeah, I was thinking, like, how about a bar in the

store? I have noticed that the night customers, a lot of them, they really

a drink. And, my God, I need one to get through this shit.

Little strong, I've got the arsenic in custody.

Oh, Donna, thank God you're here. You're not going to like this.

But... Yoo -hoo! Isn't this exciting?

Hey,

Heather.

Hello,

sunshine.

Didn't know you smoked.

Karen.

Can't seem to kick him.

Only pleasure, see?

Right. Well, I just came to say that I found your name badge.

Oh, Heather.

Feels like a lifetime since anyone called me that.

I just did, but... Take care, sunshine.

Be lucky.

So was that a no to the bar? I got a bit confused back there. Yes, yes, it's a

no. Right.

Kevin, I'm really sorry about last night. I feel like I've really let you

No, it could have happened to anyone, anyone who hadn't been trained properly

their manager.

Yeah, well, I've had like zero training. I know, so, Lou, we're going to keep

you on. But listen, I'm putting my private parts on the guillotine here.

Oh, dear.

No, not literally. What I mean is I'm taking a big risk.

It's all right. I just need total focus from you. Yeah, you got it. You got

110%. Well, 100 is the maximum, but do we have a deal? Oh, Lou.

What? Sorry.

Yes. Yes.

No, there's... I was just... There was a piece of dust floating, and it looked

like a fairy.

Come on.

It's hot.

I see you now. I borrowed it off my mate, didn't I? Hey, come on. Make me

the road.

Idiot. Cross the road.

Yeah.

Oh!

You like that?

Thank you.

It's just, um... Right.

Now, are you sure you're going to be okay? I've got to relax, Gabster. What

going to do?

Set fire to the store?

Shy?