Original subtitles

Valco. Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red hot sales.

Loads of tool for ones. The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Now 24 hours a day. Service with a smile.

Friendly staff always happy to help.

Roger that.

Tick.

Am I getting paid for this? Valco.

Serves you right.

So, to remind you, you have your appraisals today. You all have your time

I couldn't revise.

It's not an exam, Heather. It's just a quick chat.

Nobody has anything to worry about.

No, I'm not worried, Katie. In fact, I'm looking forward to it.

Uh -oh.

I know what this is.

An elaborate scheme to get Colin alone in a room.

Isn't that right, Katie? I'm just going to ignore that.

Is it Katie?

Are you a sweet hunk, are you?

No, Margaret. She's sweet like chocolate, Marge. OK, everybody get back

and I will see you all later.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man, Margaret.

Cometh again?

Appraisals. Finally, I'm going to get myself a pay rise.

I've been studying every kind of power play and negotiation technique.

Even mind reading.

Think of a number between one and ten.

OK, four.

No, don't tell me. Wait until I ask.

Seven. Oh, that's good.

I can't reveal my methods.

Oh, when you said seven, it popped into my head.

Oh, now it's an eight.

Oh, now it's a bumblebee.

I mean, what's Lou been doing all night?

This looks like there's been some sort of Roman orgy.

It's making me nauseous.

Is it really the floor making you sick, or is it because you hired an unsuitable

manager to sabotage a 24 -hour opening?

I dig this. Attention!

Attention!

A situation has arisen where your fiancée has some good news.

Cheryl, you crazy loon!

It's a good bow, isn't it?

Oh,

that is just too much fun.

So what's the news?

No, the good news is I've had my annual bonus approved, so we've got a nice

boost for the wedding fund. Oh, fantastic.

Maybe we can have a band.

I could call Fleetwood Mac.

To be discussed.

What about your bonus? Has it come through?

No.

Time to move on, then.

Yeah, I'm trying. I went to update my status on Facebook to single, only to

discover that Linda had already done it for me. Well, she's got a new man. A hot

new man.

Do you think they're serious?

Very.

Oh, well, good luck to them.

Right you are.

This has to end. You can't avoid him all day. I can.

I'm a bit jealous handing these over to you now, Katie.

Appraisals were the highlight of my year.

It's just a day of people moaning at you and telling you they want a pay rise.

Oh, yes, but there's so much more than that. There's objectives, achievements,

feedback. It's the Notting Hill Carnival of assessment procedures.

OK, Donna, there's not a secret knock. You can just come in.

I just need to check you've got cover for Friday, Mr Strong.

I'm off for the weekend.

Health reasons.

Oh, no, no, no. All sorted.

You see, it's my annual big bang.

Big bang?

Yep. In my line of work, you can't have relationships.

It's irresponsible.

Never know when you might come home in a body bag.

I actually don't think that's true. So I do all my sexing over one weekend.

Sort of a no -strings -bang fest with a male associate.

Oh, God.

I'm like a bottle of Coke that's been shaken for a year.

It's all right. We've sorted the routine.

Ah. Thanks, Kit Kat.

All I can say is, don't come anywhere near the travel in Altrincham.

Good grief.

Oh, yes, is that the travel in Altrincham? I'd like to cancel a

You're ridiculous.

Well, not well. I don't know.

Yeah, they do.

No, they don't.

In your own sweet time.

Oh, I'm sorry, love. How can I help?

I'd like to see the manager.

Oh, I'm gone.

We were just having a giggle. For personal reasons.

Oh, oh, oh, right.

Cheryl, do you know where Gavin is? This lady wants to see him. Well, he should

be around somewhere. Can I help you with anything? I'm the area manager.

You're Cheryl Fairweather. Indeed.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I just curtsied there.

Well, you're not what I expected.

Sorry? Expected? I mean, look at the rack on you for a start.

Excuse me.

Hey, Colin, if you'd like to shut the door and take a seat.

Oh, clever girl.

Nice try, Katie, but I'm going to leave this door wide open.

You're going to leave your hands where I can see them, nowhere near my pants.

Colin, for the millionth time, I did not fancy you.

So what?

You just kind of arranged this appraisal for when Lisa's off.

Well... At three days after I've taken a bath. Come on.

Okay, you got me.

Me? It's true. I've got feelings for you.

I... I've always thought we've had this thing, you know?

Um... But there's never been a right time, because we've never been both

at the same time. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, Kate, I was pissing about. What are

you playing at? Oh, I'm not playing.

I look at the way that you ignore customers in need, the way you help

to stock, the way you ingest the contents of your nose, and I'm not going

lie, Colin, it's... No!

No, this is... You crossed the line there, Katie.

No. Yes, you need to take a look at yourself, because this, this right here

sexual harassment. Believe me, I should know.

Mum? Jesus!

It's Gavin now, remember?

Oh, come on.

doing here? I thought you couldn't make it until the wedding.

Well, I wanted to make sure that you weren't marrying another buffalo. Like,

what's her name? May she rest in peace.

But look at Cheryl here.

Smart and funny and get a load of those bangers.

Are they real chairs?

They sure are.

Amazing. Can I feel them? Okay.

She always does this.

I really should be scooting off now. Well, I'll pop back later anyway, so...

Just curtsied at you again. I don't know why I'm... It's lovely to see you.

Well, can I give you the tour? Tour of what?

Of Valco.

What's a Valco?

You're standing in it.

You want to give me a tour of a supermarket?

It's not just any supermarket. It's, you know, my supermarket.

Yay!

Hi. Well, this is fruit and veg. Here we are.

Bye, Leto.

Plasters?

Yep.

Proplos? Got them.

Prophylactics? Preference?

Plain, I'm not in Cirque du Soleil.

Are you working an alphabet raffle, Donna?

Oh, no, Margaret, they're supplies for my dirty weekend.

I abstain for 363 days, then let it all out in one big splurge. Oh, my Alan does

that. Oh.

Yeah, he does just like that Stingfella.

Oh, Stingfella. Oh, yeah.

So moody in the weeks leading up to it. As do I.

Oh, but his happy little face when he realises he's going to get some. I

genuinely sing when I get mine.

I said to him, Alan, if you're that desperate for a cigarette, well, just

one.

Have you got about Linda yet? No.

Have you forgotten about Linda yet? Still no. It actually reminds me of her.

What's that?

And here are two of my finest employees, Colin and Neville. How's it going,

guys? Well, I'm just slapping some sense into Neville at the minute. I'm trying

to get him to forget about Linda. He's a very selfless friend.

Best way to get back at someone, shag a best mate.

Oh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea.

Yeah, I know, come on now, they're my mates, they work for me, but I'm a

cool boss, Mum, so... I'm not your mate, we're not mates. Not really. Wait,

wait, wait, no, no, no, what? So you're his mum?

Oh, come on!

What, was he adopted? Come on, come on, whisper in my ear. No, he doesn't know

yet. No, it was definitely my vagina.

Right. Thank God he's always had a tiny head.

I haven't got a tiny head.

Did he take after his dad, has he? You tell me who his dad is and I'll tell you

who he takes after.

Oh! A bit of a Mamma Mia situation with the old dad there, so... Neville, cancel

all appointments.

I've got some serious piss -taking to do.

Um, Brian, do you have anything to calm nerves?

Got another date, Heather? No.

Reverend Giles has called it again.

So boring.

No, it's his appraisal.

You're not nervous?

Nervous? Have I perfected the power handshake? Check. Am I wearing red to

intimidate my opponent?

Yes. Am I in the zone and ready to negotiate?

Check. Yes.

Negotiate? What for? I thought it was just a chat. Life is negotiation,

For example, take these batteries.

Now, I'm going to do everything I can to persuade you to give them to me, but

you mustn't. Understood?

Heather?

Give me the batteries.

Okay. I'll sleep with you.

What? No!

Sorry. Let's try again, Heather.

Okay.

I won't sleep with you. No, Heather.

Oh, just take the batteries and get out of my life, you bastards!

Oh! And is this, like, your tiny, tiny daughter?

No!

That's Gavin.

He has... And the most beautiful, long ginger hair.

Spoiler alert, I secretly wanted a girl. Oh.

There he is in a dress.

That's freaking brilliant.

Look at him.

Look at you. You won't believe it, but Gavin was a very angry little boy.

I've got my water.

So I took him to a psychologist who taught him this coping mechanism.

Oh, Lord of the Danvers. Oh.

He still does it.

Tell us more about Gavin's massive failure.

Did he tell you about sports day? No. Wait, let me record this. So, he always

wanted to win the long jump, but he was hopeless at it. Leave it, Mum.

So, he trained, and he trained. Please, Mum.

Then do you know what happened? Come on. She didn't turn up. Yeah. It was so

crass. Everyone else's mum was there. I just really wasn't into it.

So, where at, Gav? Where'd you come in, the little lad?

I came fifth.

Out of five.

Oh, he came last.

Look at him.

Katie,

good to see you.

Just come in. After you.

I'm already in the room, Brian.

Brian, what are you doing? I have a preferred height I like to sit at.

Yep, that's it.

OK, so we've had great feedback from the customers about the service that they

get at the pharmacy.

Excellent. It helps to pay attention to people's needs and rise to the

occasion when necessary.

Absolutely.

So me and Gavin were discussing a pay rise.

That was almost too easy.

Oh, Katie, I played you like a glockenspiel.

Came in here for a pay rise and you caved immediately.

God, I'm good.

What I was about to say, Brian, was that we can't authorise a pay rise for you

at this time.

What? She was too young and I was too old.

Well, you know what they say. The older the berry, the sweeter the juice.

It's very hard, isn't it?

Do you need a hug?

Mum, can I have a word, please? Can it wait?

Who's getting to know Nigel here?

Neville. No, follow me, please.

Damn it.

Are you all right?

Code purple, Margaret. A Big Bang associate's cancelled.

Picked up an STI.

Oh, dear.

Oh, my, Alan had an STI once.

Oh, for God's sake.

He never even told me until I saw it one day.

Oh, back it is. Oh, Big Fred thing it was.

Oh, it looked horrible.

What did you do?

Well, I told him, I said, you take that sports car back to where you got it and

we'll not speak of it again.

I think that's a GCI, Margaret.

Oh.

What's for an STI?

Oh, hello, Dr. Bryan. How did your appraisal go?

Not good, Margaret. The odds were stacked against me. My appraisal was

after lunch. No -one's ever secured a pay rise right after lunch.

It's a carb hole.

Well, why don't you try just asking nicely for it?

Ask nicely?

I could ask very nicely.

Hi, Moira. Are you and Barry free this weekend?

Oh. That's it. Never mind.

I think that was really quite unfair of you earlier on, Mum.

I'm sorry.

Really? Of course.

We're like chalk and cheese, you and I. We always have been.

But I love all those boring little things you're into.

Stationery, supermarkets, etc.

And I'm sorry if that's not always clear.

Really? Really.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks,

Mum.

Can I have some money?

What? Well, I need some cash.

Oh, how much?

Oh, a few thousand. Ten.

Ten thousand?

What's it for this time?

The same.

I'm broke.

I'm not bailing you out this time.

Right. Well, thank you very much.

Good to know where your priorities are.

What a disappointment.

Hiya, it's Big D.

Are the rugby team playing at home this weekend?

Well, how far away?

You didn't have to dress for the occasion, shy, although you do look very

Dress for the appraisal you want, not the appraisal you have.

Take a seat.

Thanks, Katie, for this opportunity.

Oh, it's just a standard HR requirement.

Standard HR.

OK, well, let's start with a nice one. What would you say is your biggest

strength? Sensitivity. Really? Yeah, because the other day when you came in,

pointed out how tired you looked, and you said...

Wow, Shai, thanks.

And that was a really great day for me, because you did, you looked really

tired. You looked really tired and really, really rough as well.

It's not gone well.

You know, she asked for money.

I should have guessed, really.

Valco chicken with egg.

He just continued through the lack of sales. Well, he was rank.

But he shouldn't be, though, should he? I mean, eggs come from chickens, don't

they? They should go together, right?

But we don't, do we? Not always.

No, love, we don't.

But that's not the egg's fault. I mean, sometimes the chicken is just, well, a

bit of a cock.

But that doesn't mean that the egg isn't perfect and lovely.

And I really want to marry it.

So I don't mind giving Lillian some of our money if it gets her out of your

hair. Oh, thank you, my love.

But it is not the money, is it?

It's the principal.

Where is she now? Who knows?

How whenever she's in a bad mood.

Oh, God!

Come on then, Nigel. Relax. I am relaxed. It's actually Neville. I don't

who it is.

Stroke! Come and stable.

Oh, yes.

Oh, Neville, you legend.

I'm so terribly sorry. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

Right, she's coming. Watch me beg, Margaret.

Go on, Dr. Brian, grovel.

Have either of you seen Heather? She's just run out of her appraisal. I only

asked her to take a seat.

Oh, sorry, no, not seen her. I'm really, really sorry.

OK. Katie, I really respect you, so I was wondering if you'd sort of

my pay rise. God, you're pretty.

OK, that's weird.

I'm sorry, Brian, the answer's still a no.

OK, cool, cool. It's just that I'm desperate.

Like, really.

Desperate? Please, I'll do anything.

Oh, Katie.

I need the money, Katie. I'm a pathetic mess of a man. Please, Katie.

Okay,

I will have a word with Gavin. Just get up and stop begging.

And that, Margaret, is how you secure a pay rise.

Yes.

I am so sorry, Gavin. If it helps, I was thinking of Linda the whole time.

I don't need to know what you were thinking, thank you.

Now, you're generally a very reliable member of staff, so I'm just going to

you go with a verbal warning.

So, am I on a disciplinary too?

No.

Here's your money.

It's what you came for.

But I don't want to see you at our wedding.

I wish you well, but this is the end for me and you, Mum.

Attention, attention.

Please come to the security desk.

if you are a man between the ages of 18 and 73 and free this weekend.

This weekend.

Thank you.

Bing bong.

Heather? What on earth are you doing?

Please don't make me do my appraisal, Gavin. I'll get it all wrong.

House teeth, Heather. There's no need to feel like that.

Do you know what? If you had gone to your appraisal, you would have heard

brilliant job you're doing.

How we think you could go really, really far at Valco.

You think I could be a manager?

More like tills.

Come on, out you come.

You're good, isn't he?

I know he's not the son you expected, but he's strong and dependable and

And I love him, just like everybody else here does.

We're like, don't say the F word, I will puke.

Family.

We're like family.

Thanks, darling. Can I have a hug?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, better be on my way. Leave you and the Waltons to it.

You're not going to say goodbye?

No. I think my big mouth has done enough damage for one day.

Heather? Yes?

Are you smelling me?

Yes.

Shit day.

Oh, tell me about it.

Yeah, heard all about your tumble with Gavin's old dear. Ah, right.

You know what?

I think I might just have the solution to your blues and my massive fall.

I'm sorry?

How are you fixed for the next 48 hours?

Oh, well, I was planning on seeing my kids this weekend, albeit from a

agreed distance.

That can wait.

Come on, you. Oh, no, I...

Oh. I'm sorry, but we might have to scale back the wedding now.

I'd better call Fleetwood Mick.

Gavin, this was left for you. Oh, thanks, Sue.

What is it?

It's the cheque you wrote.

Hope you'll still have me at the wedding, your proud mum.

Oh.

Maybe the chicken and the egg can go together.

No, it really won't.