Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale.

Loads of tougher ones.

The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Now 24 hours a day. Service with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help.

Roger that.

Tick.

Am I getting paid for this? Valco!

Serves you right.

mind if you can't.

Then the store will not be closing this evening.

Due to the launch of Valco 24.

Maybe you're right. 24 hours a day.

There she is. Judith.

Leaving me on my own. No one to talk to. I feel like one of them dogs left at

home all day.

Good girl. Get off.

What are you doing the night shift for anyway?

No reason.

Hi, Greg.

Are you working tonight too?

What a coincidence.

It's me, Linda.

Don't know if you remember me at the drug night there.

Hello, Craig.

These are my night stuff.

I'll have to do anything I say. Well, not anything.

Sit on the floor!

It might be best to stick to the simple pep talk about the night opening.

Don't worry,

Kevin. I have been reading this amazing management book.

Wolf in the Jungle.

I have so got this covered.

According to this book, 50 % of you are not up to the job.

That is not something that this manager is prepared to accept. So from this

line, left of this line, you guys, you're fired.

Oh, yes.

No, you can't just fire... Shy, Shy, you can't just fire half the staff.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Well, you're fired, too.

Anyone else? No, you can't fire me. I massively outrank you.

Really? OK, great. Right, that's great. So nobody's fired, then. OK, I think

that's all you need to know, so...

Go get him!

Shall I just get back on his feet, will you?

It'll be fine. I'm here to hold his hand.

Yes, but we don't want head office to think that Valco 24 can be the future of

retail. Now, hold her hands by all means, but don't be afraid to loosen

grip.

Use kid gloves, but if the gloves come off, then the gloves come off.

And just remember, you know, a hand in the glove is worth more than two in

the... Gavin, what on earth are you going on about?

I've no idea, Kate. My head is swimming with hand metaphors. I mean, all I'm

saying is that managers have to learn by their mistakes, so maybe tonight, you

know, being a bit of a disaster might not be such a bad thing.

Weird. It almost sounds like you want Valco 24 to fail so that they get rid of

it. Oh, no.

Oh, absolutely not. Now, Lou is very capable and the best best manager for

job. Kevin!

It's Marie.

Marie? Make mine.

And? She's asking if I can go to the cinema tonight.

Can I?

Oh, I can't, can I? No. No, Marie, of course I can't go to the cinema tonight.

Yeah.

She'll be fine.

Evening, Sue.

Neville, are you doing a night shift?

Yes, well, I could do with a bit of extra money now that Linda and I aren't

sharing the rent. Still, night shifts should be fun.

And you can't have night terrors if you're not asleep, can you? I suppose

It'd be nice to have a break from working with Linda, too.

Working with your ex can be a little bit heartbreaking, so I thought, what the

hell, do a night shift.

She's working tonight as well, isn't she?

Yeah, sorry, see you tomorrow.

See...

According to Rush in the Jungle, a great manager exploits their ass. U .S .A.

And ours is night. So I thought we could have a night aisle. You know,

everything's dark and moody and sexy.

Champagne, chocolates, sex toys. Weirdly, I don't think Valco stock

not? They could be called Valdos.

That is a great idea. I must bring that up with Gavin. Can I please be there

when you do?

Try the other stuff there, yeah?

Hey, I need some volunteers for Ina's sex tonight.

task. Oh, me and Craig, me and Craig, me and Craig. Oh, that's great.

Okay, so aisle nine, the cereal aisle.

I want it sexed up. I want champagne, chocolates, candles, pants.

Just use your imagination.

Ah, just me and you, Craig.

I'd love to get to know each other intimately.

Yeah, Laura?

Oh, this feels very strange.

Leaving the store with it still being open, it's like leaving a moving car.

One minute.

There you go.

One minute.

Gavin, why are you still here? We can manage. Yeah, Gavin.

Back off already.

I'm sorry. I'm just really excited.

Don't worry. I've got my book.

I've also watched every episode of The Night Manager. Less helpful.

Right. Well, here are the keys.

Right, I'll leave you to it. Oh, and before you go, Lou wants to ask you

Valdo's. Valdo's?

Yes, Velco -branded dildos. Can we have some?

Judas Priest?

Absolutely not.

Okay, you can go now. We will be fine.

No, I'm fine.

Nine. Eight.

Come on, everyone. Party poppers. Seven.

Six.

Five. Four.

Three. Two.

One. Woo!

24 hours is good!

Woo!

24 hours!

Woo!

It's good this time and a half, isn't it? I feel like not just shy, but one

a half shys.

What are you going to do with the extra money?

Me?

I'm saving for a holiday.

I need to get away from my housemates. They're doing my head in. How come?

I'm trying to make it a bit of a party house, and they're all like, ooh, clean

your room, Harry.

Ooh, no internet after ten, Harry.

Can't be doing with it. Are your housemates also your parents?

Potato or tomato?

Either way, I need a break.

I'd love to go on holiday.

You could come. We could make it a lads' holiday.

Yeah. Well, we are absolute lads.

Two banter -saurus rexes.

What's that?

Phone call for Britain's most out -of -control lads.

Yeah, let me just get them, one sec.

Speaking. There's no one there. Oh, no.

Classic stuff.

OK, here are the holiday forms and the rotas, and they are to be done before

tomorrow's shift.

Got it.

You can go now.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Well, no, I'm doing top managerial night manager business work.

made a melon family. It's not a big deal. Just a family of melons.

Daddy melon.

Mama melon.

And their daughter.

And he... I'm just... I'm so bored.

24 hours. That is so boring.

Maybe just concentrate and get the forms done, OK?

Fine. I will try.

Oi! What do you think you're doing, slacking off?

Texting. Well, I am paying you to work. I'm actually on my break. I'm just

texting my daughter. She's a bit of a huffy Henrietta, hasn't really been

speaking to me for, what, for 15 months.

I'm not interested in your excuses. Get back to work. Right. No, I've got a job

for you.

Oh, nice.

Oh, thank you.

We should definitely go to Magaluf.

Colin says it's impossible to go there and not pull. I guess you've totally

it with loads of girls, Ed. Well, let's just say I've slept with between zero

and a hundred women.

Wow!

Candles are dead romantic, aren't they?

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's actually a really interesting way of looking at it.

Here you go, you can help these guys.

This really should get it done quicker. I want it as romantic as possible.

Hi, guys.

Look at this hostel.

Two stars.

It says it's perfect for stag and hen -doos. Hen -doos? Yeah, and a couple of

stags to do the hens. Yeah.

Although if a stag and hen had intercourse, the stag would definitely

hens, so... I hope. We should practise our holiday chat -up lines on them.

No, no, no. I know it looks like I'm great with girls, but I actually really

struggle. Calm down.

There's a foolproof system.

Colin taught me.

What you do is you go up to them and you just whisper.

And that works?

100 % of the time, according to Colin.

OK. Right.

Let's do this!

You what?

Worth a shot.

But we agreed not to see each other at work or in public.

Why are you doing this to me, Neville? It is a genuine misunderstanding. Look,

if you chatter with me back... You've been very clear in your calls, your

and your adverts in the Gazette. It's over.

I get it.

Hey, you should do two at a time, mate.

See, that way, you lift it right.

You can engage your delts.

Let me show you.

You can show me if you like. Oh, yes.

See, it's a free workout.

I'm always looking for ways to work out when I'm not in the gym.

I'm afraid I'm not really one for exercise.

I've not set foot in a gym since my knee snapped on a leg press.

You need to work on your lower body strength.

Try squatting while stacking. Here.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

Squat.

Yeah.

Neville. Oh. Why don't you go and get another cage?

Can you, erm, teach

me some exercises?

Sure, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

One more first.

Shuttle runs, end of the aisle and back. Go.

Go, go, go.

Shai, can you go and check the price on this, please?

Value cling film 5 metre data 9p.

How did you... I memorised the price of everything.

It was your idea. You told me on my first date to familiarise yourself with

products.

I think you've got too familiar.

Thanks.

Lou, what are you doing?

Yeah, I was thinking about what you were saying about 24 hours being really

boring. You said that.

Did I?

Anyway, and I was thinking, what is not boring?

TVs. If you put loads of TVs near the entrance, people will come in.

Yeah, see, Gavin prefers not to use TV displays. He says it looks like downtown

Tokyo. Yeah, well, Gavin isn't in charge now, is he?

Is he?

Serious question.

No, you're in charge.

Right.

Lou, what is that?

Yeah,

I bought a bottle of 99th to keep alert. I'm feeling shattered already.

I think that's to help you go to sleep. It's not to keep you awake. No, it's

called nighty -night because it keeps you awake during the nighty -night.

Oh, crap.

Oh.

Oh.

No, I think I'd better go and get a cup of coffee. Yeah.

Oh, wait.

You're young. Do you have any, um, any... any drugs that will keep me

No. Great.

because that would a manager tear.

So well done you for not having any trouble.

Right, I'm going to go and get a... I'm going to go get a coffee.

OK, go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Do you know what? This could be massive.

Workouts that people can do at home with their own shopping.

Genius. I am so pumped about this.

There is one problem, though.

If we want this to go on YouTube, you're not allowed any sponsorship.

You're wearing a Velcro -branded top, so... You reckon I should take it off?

Probably, yeah.

What's going on? Nothing! Do not stop this. This is work.

Please, do not stop this. But you can't just... Katie, please come to this door

entrance. Uh -oh.

In fact, there's a Balco logo on your trousers as well.

Now, let's see how the weather is where you are. There will be whiteouts in the

hilly north and very windy on the south coast.

What do you reckon?

I feel like I'm in Curris. How did you manage and plug all this together?

Yeah, I just put them all on extensions.

I don't know what's wrong with that one.

I tried this, but it didn't seem to do it.

to fuse the power.

Oh, I see.

No, I don't. Katie, I don't understand what you're saying. You're not

communicating very well. You have short -circuited the power to the entire

store, Lou. Okay, and is that good or bad?

It is bad.

It is very, very, very serious, Lou.

Lou?

Do you reckon this means the shift's over? It's just, normally, when they

the lights out at the gym, it means they want me to go home. I think you'll find

it's just a power cut.

Yeah, it happens all the time with the meter at my flat.

Especially since that burger van's started stealing my electricity.

Dead romantic, innit?

Nah. It's just... dark.

So, have you uploaded the workout videos?

Yep. Awesome. Thanks.

You know what? You're actually pretty sound.

Aw, thanks, Craig.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

For the record, I did once hire a skywriter to spell out, you are my

Ow!

Thanks, Nev.

You like to spoil the moment, don't you?

Sorry.

Ooh. The aunt has got a gun here.

Just as the wolf can't stand its prey, so you must.

hunt down inefficiency.

Oh, no.

I think this might be bollocks.

I'm going to ring Gavin. He will know what to do.

Oh, no. No, not Gavin.

He's going to just throw it down.

The last thing he wants is for my first day to be a disaster.

OK, so the power should be back on soon.

Oh, what did Gavin say?

Gavin doesn't know and he doesn't need to know, OK? So we carry on until it's

sorted. Well, what about the tills?

Can't take any money if they're not working. That's a good point.

We've got the next best thing.

A human till.

OK, everybody back to work. Yeah.

Electrician. Here to see Katie.

Oh, yes.

Right. Follow me.

While you're here, You don't know how to stop someone stealing your electricity,

do you?

There's this burger van, you see.

Hey there, welcome to Valco 24. Raise the torch to find your way around.

Thanks.

£1 .99, £4, 29p, and £4 .19 minus 39p because of multiply discount.

And that is?

£57 .32.

That's right.

Thank you for shopping at Valco, Warrington.

Oh, hey!

So, are you seeing anyone at the minute?

Not really got time. You know, we work in the gym every day.

Cos, like, one day's leg day, Tuesday's backing up a body, Wednesday's cardio.

Yeah.

Is there other ways of keeping fit?

If you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Yeah. Interval training, running, cycling, triathlon.

I don't think I can do three more months of this just to afford a holiday, even

if it is going to be an absolute banter fest.

I know.

We'd be exhausted.

Plus, when I'm not 100%, my chat really suffers.

That wouldn't be fair on the girls.

Yeah, we can't be expected to crack on if our chat's not right.

Yeah. Do you know where I've heard it's just as good as Magaluf?

Where? Whitby.

What? My housemates are going there next month in a caravan.

So, uh, Linda certainly seems to hold a torch for you, Craig.

Yeah, most women do.

I think it's because I'm really fit.

It's probably that, yes.

So, do you have any feelings back for Linda?

She's all right.

I don't think I can be arsed with a girlfriend or anything, though.

Craig, I...

I probably shouldn't say this, as the thought of Linda being with another man

does genuinely make me want to vomit, but you should give Linda a chance.

You reckon? She's a very special woman. She's funny, pretty, she's brutally

assertive. Yet you're a very lucky man to have a smasher like Linda into you.

You know what?

You're right.

I think I might try and bang her.

Cheers, Neville.

Oh, crap, where am I?

Oh, no.

Power cut. Oh, God.

Oh, God!

I could barely sleep knowing that the door was open and I wasn't running it. I

mean, there was a lot of tossing. I can tell you. So, um, how did the night go?

Yeah, it went great.

Lou did great.

Really? Lou?

Are you sure, Katie?

Yeah, Lou was great. She did all the holiday forms and the rota too.

Well, great. Well, you did fantastic.

Well, if anybody needs me, I shall be in my office.

Your key.

I owe you one key.

Yep, lost a few.

And I'm very sorry that they are so sticky. It's just honey.

It washes off.

Right.

See you later.

Katie!

Yes, you owe me one, a big one.

I just, I can't believe that you sorted everything out. Well, I thought you

deserve a second chance. I mean, everybody cocks up on the first day.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault.

I know it wasn't. I fixed everything.

Did you, though? Did you, or did I motivate you to over -perform through

management work in the jungle?

You cut the power to the store and you drugged yourself.

That was really shit, wasn't I? Thank you for not telling Gavin. I owe you

Yeah.

When did that come out for a coffee? Thanks again, mate. Oh, not at all.

reckon coffee means banging still.

Do you want to talk about it?

Yes, please do.

Come on then, I'll get you a cuppa.

Things to do in Whitby. The Museum of Victorian Science.

Oh, wicked, there's bound to be girls there. Yeah, Victorian girls.

I am exhausted.

You've been asleep for seven hours.

Yeah, I don't need any time. Well, I'm here.

What?