Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuit.

Red hot ale, loads of total ones. The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

Now 24 hours a day.

Service with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help.

Roger that.

Tick.

Am I getting paid for this? Valco!

Serves you right.

Seriously, I'm giving myself an official warning.

Red card, Cheryl Fairweather.

No more wedding planning during the working day. I'm not even going to

it. What?

The wedding. Ha -ha! You see, just did it! Oh, yes, yes, yes! Just did it! Ha

-ha -ha -ha -ha!

OK, well, that is the last time, I promise.

Zip it.

No, from now on, we just concentrate on 24 -hour Falco and nothing else, agreed?

Yeah, I told you, you know, it's all in hand. There's really, really nothing for

you to worry about.

Sorry. Oh, wedding venue.

Nope, I'm not going to take it. I can work, focus.

Well, officially, we don't start work for another four and a half minutes,

God, I love your attention to detail.

Cheryl Fairweather speaking.

What? What?

Oh, dear.

Trouble in paradise.

No, no, no. It's just the head office. Very dull. Management stuff.

Go, go, go.

I studied the ancient art of body language.

And if Cheryl is talking to head office, we've got some serious shiz going down.

Really? What kind of shiz?

High -level shiz.

Grade A shiz. Right.

Sorry, what is shiz?

Short for shizzle, my gizzle. Do you have any more recommendations anywhere

I can go?

Well, all I can say is I'm glad I trapped the old vest on today.

What do you mean?

Oh, but we had a verbal agreement.

Well, this is literally a nightmare.

You'll be hearing from my solicitors. Goodbye.

Bad news?

Who ever made you think that, Gavin? Yes, it was bad news.

Their news just cancelled on us.

Oh, shizzle.

Here's the list for the big shop.

Right.

Um,

right, darling, it just says food and that.

Yeah, cos that's what we need.

Oh, and remember to set the alarm, cos it's every two hours. If you miss even

one, I will be pissed. I know. Baby feeds, is it?

No, Love Island repeats.

Yeah. Right, I'll see you later.

See you later, hot mama.

Say bye, hot mama.

Oh, can I get a cuddle?

Right, OK, quick, Bob, she's not looking.

Oh! I mean, when are they going to...

venue at such short notice.

Well, have you thought of checking the Thompson directory?

Not since 1987, Gavin, no!

Oh, I think snappy Susan might have just popped in for tea. Yes, I think she

might have done. Shall I tell her that we're busy? Yes, please.

I'm sorry, it's just this week of all weeks, what with the Valco 24 -hour

and everything.

Yeah, well, we could just cancel it.

Perhaps. I mean, it's just the thought.

Really? You'd be okay with that? Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, 24 -hour

they're horrendous, my dear. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

No. Oh, crosswise, Christopher, you meant cancelling the wedding.

No. You did?

No. No, no. No, no, no.

I guess, yeah, I guess I always knew it was too good to be true. Well, you know,

you're free to get a better man now.

Stronger, taller.

Bloody redder hair. No, Gavin, Gavin, I don't mean that. I want to marry you

more than anything in the world. It's just that...

I just don't have time to sort it.

Unless, of course, you sorted it.

Me?

Cheryl Fairweather, have you been smoking mackerel? No, no, no, I'm

trust you. You just planned the wedding you'd always dreamt of as a little boy.

Are you sure?

Absolutely positive.

Run free with it.

Do whatever you like.

As long as the groom is confirmed, I'm happy.

Aye, it's confirmed.

Confirmed an RSVP. Yeah, you really didn't have to actually write back to

but very helpful anyway.

Donna, you've not seen the new night manager, have you?

Nope. Heard about the crisis, though. What crisis?

Got you. What crisis?

Nice one. No, seriously, Donna, what crisis?

The one that Gavin and Cheryl were on about. Valco crisis?

Is it?

I never said that. Yeah, you did, but I'm on board.

You said nothing.

I'm going to need a level three security clearance on this.

It doesn't exist.

Officially. Or in reality.

Okay, understood. We're going underground.

We're not doing anything.

Clever. No paper trail. I like it. But you need to know you can trust me.

I'm not one for having loose lips. Great. In fact, I'm known in the

how tight my lips are.

deputy manager, or maybe the HR woman. It's not totally clear, to be honest.

Katie. And she's wearing, like, a blazer and a pencil skirt.

Katie. Oh, she's got that blondie brownie hair, you know, and those Mahusa

modern eyebrows.

Katie!

Here she is.

What am I like, eh? You really do.

I'm so happy. Thank you.

Hey, I was lucky to bump into that customer services woman. Sue. Yeah, you

with the short, gothic flamingo hat. Yeah, Sue.

Green falco shirt. Yes, Sue. Wearing glasses.

Yeah, it's Sue, and she's not even wearing glasses.

Well, maybe it's not Sue, then.

Hiya, Gavin.

Sorry to bother you.

Yes, Margaret, how can I help?

Oh, I don't need anything. Well, I just wanted a nice, quiet sit -down for a

bit.

Right, well, only I'm actually quite busy.

Busy? Oh, you are funny, Gavin.

Sorry, ignore me.

Why do they call them crisps?

What? Why do they call them crisps? I really don't know, Margaret.

No, but it's interesting, though, isn't it? No.

In America, they call them potato chips.

Oh, dear.

Yes, you know, I'm actually in the middle of planning my own wedding here,

Margaret. It's normal.

It's all right.

Potato chips.

Potato chips.

Potato chips.

On your own today, Sim?

Yes, that's right.

She's not in. I don't know where she is or who she's with.

She still smells like a meadow.

Anyway, you only saw her yesterday.

Well, the day's all merging to one when you lie awake all night, clinging on to

the only pillow that still smells of her.

Oh, for God's sake, Neville. Do us all a favour and put a wash on.

To be honest, being out on the shop floor is pretty much a formality.

Customers and staff just need to know that you're available to them.

Yep, yep, I get you, because I am totally listening to you now. Can I ask

question? Absolutely. How much of it can we eat?

Sorry? How much of the food can we actually eat?

None of it.

I'm serious, Lou. If you haven't bought it, you can't eat it.

Oh, shit.

Really? I definitely did not realise that.

Shall we carry on? Yeah.

What? You might say it's just a banana.

I picked it up without thinking, Don.

But it's a gateway crime.

Today, a banana.

Tomorrow, a Samsung widescreen HD TV with surround sound. She's three years

She was crying. So I picked up a banana.

I always pay for them at the till. Is everything all right here? Stand back,

please, Katie. This is a crime scene.

She's a child.

I'm sorry about this.

Can you let them go, please, Donna?

Got you. Let them go. Understood. No, I don't think you do.

I mean, let them go.

Oh, so you mean, like, actually let them go?

No, you've got it. Oh.

Thank you for shopping at Barco. Thank you for shopping at Barco.

See? What?

Look, if you'd let me have a Level 3 security clearance and kept me in the

that might never have happened. Why?

Because I've only got basic clearance, so I'm on edge. I'm like a security

maker, up on my horses, looking for the next crisis.

Where is it? What is it?

Why would they give me a Level 3 security clearance? Because it doesn't

Oh, I see.

Still toeing the line.

Shame.

Shame.

Oh, hello.

I just wanted to know if the Maldon Suite was available.

Oh, it is? Oh, fantastic.

That's an awful place. It's the right dump, isn't it?

Actually, yeah, don't worry. I've changed my mind.

Yeah, thank you.

Right, what's the next one on the list?

Maldon Suite. That looks lovely.

Photo booths are for passport renewals. Everybody knows that.

Bows on chair backs.

I'm not Louis XVI.

Risotto on a big spoon.

This isn't a bonga -bonga party.

Is Cheryl here yet? No, but Gavin's turned into a groomzilla.

Now that I've got to say.

That is going to throw my colour scheme off entirely, you see. Listen, I'll have

a think about it and I'll call you back.

Sorry to interrupt, but I seem to have lost Lou or she's gone missing and she's

meant to be meeting Cheryl.

Oh, that is a shame. Listen, if she pops up, just get her to count some boxes in

the storeroom. Or do you mean hide her so she misses her meeting?

Listen, I know Cheryl won't mind.

What won't Cheryl mind?

Saying I do while we skydive?

No, I mean, not meeting our new night manager. I mean, she's already working

floor. She's got the hang of it already.

Right, no, sorry, hubby boo -boo, I am going to have to pull rank on you there.

I do have to meet her. This is a key hire for head office.

Well, she's around all day, so whenever.

Yeah, we'll give you a shout.

Or I can just bring her straight to you.

At some point.

How about 5 .30?

Exactly. Great, OK, we can have a cup of tea in the canteen.

So how's all this coming on? Well, if I'm honest, it's not that easy.

Gavin's not got a very good telephone manner to tell the truth.

Oh. Well, listen, all you need to do is think of places that hold a special

meaning for us as a couple.

You'll be fine.

I'll let you two get on with it. I'll see you all later.

Right, I'll leave you to it, Gavin.

I've got some work to do. Yes, please go. Do it.

So, what do we do now?

Somewhere that means something special to us.

Gavin, I mean about the supermarket.

Oh, yes, of course.

Of course.

And that's it.

Very good work, Katie.

Honestly, Neville, it's like hanging about with your best mate all day. It's

great to see you looking so well. Oh, come on, Neville, this isn't just well.

Right, before this little one was like... Right, I was Colin Light. Now,

now I'm like peak Colin. Look at Colin.

Right, but the best thing of all, Nev...

I don't have to waste my life away, like a bellend, wearing a white hat all day.

No offence.

It is quite offensive.

It is, isn't it? It is quite offensive.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. I'll see you later, then. Bye.

Cheryl. Cheryl.

I found us a venue at last, and it's perfect.

Where is it? Well, I was thinking about what you said about...

about finding a venue that means something.

And suddenly I realised... I'll leave all in gardens for protection and

to see it.

No, no, no, but it's been staring us in the face all this time.

Hamilton Hotel and Conference Centre.

No, but I can never forget Conference Room 4. Still a sparkling.

Turn your mind. My printer's running low on toner. Let me refill your cartridge.

Drink me.

No, no, no, it's something that... There's been a huge part of our

Cheryl Fairweather.

Soon to be strong.

Let me take you by the hand and lead you to the most perfect wedding venue in

Warrington.

Ta -da!

You've lost me. That's because we've already arrived.

I'm saying right here, in store, we should get married in Malco!

I'd like to be a dad one day.

Mine left on a forever business trip when I was a child.

And it was really sad.

But at least we got a brand new patio.

Like the very next day. Oh, it's good news, isn't it?

But yeah, it's the best job in the world, mate.

Except in most jobs you hate every single person you work with. And you

angry pictures of them involved in road traffic accidents.

Am I right or am I right? Yeah, I'm going to say right. Yeah, definitely.

Anyway, I'm going to get off.

Log on to my Ask Book page and I'll see you in a bit.

Hello.

I'm Heather.

Or you can call me Auntie Heather.

Or... Mummy.

If you want.

Would you like to go on an adventure?

A couple did it in the Morrisons in Derby and they were just customers.

I would never have thought of this.

And we've already got the catering facilities and everybody knows we do the

jack of potatoes this side of Rumpel. I just would never have thought of this.

Yeah, I know, I know. Oh, right.

And this is the best bit. Now, just wait there.

As you walk down the aisle, I'll be waiting here with the registrar to say,

I'll do.

In a super pocket.

Isn't it wonderful?

So, this is the manager's formatting page.

Basically, you need the access codes to use this area because it allows you to

alter the pricing structures.

And only I get to use them because I'm the most important.

Yeah, I don't mean important, do I? What do I mean? Do I mean... Do I mean

amazing?

Or you could mean the manager that gets to access the pricing codes. Yeah, that.

I'm that.

I know.

Crazy how.

You don't like me much, do you, Katie?

Or do you? I don't know. Genuine question. I can't really tell because

your face is like, ooh! Oh, she makes me so cross.

And other times it's just like, deal.

It's not that. It's just because I don't really know you.

But you'd like to?

Yeah. Yeah,

I won you round. I knew it. I knew I could.

You know, like, whenever I meet someone, it's really obvious that they think I'm

a twat. I make it my personal mission to get them to like me.

Give that a minute of house you leave. Yeah. Don't bother me, babe.

That's evil.

Even for you. I know.

Anyway, how come you're still here?

Where's baby?

Ooh, where has she gone? I'm sure I left her around there somewhere.

Darling, what kind of a dad do you take me for? I'm not just going to drop her

to run off for a dump.

Oh, I'm sorry, babe. You're right.

Because if you had lost her... Which I haven't. Which you haven't, I'd be using

your little scrotal sack as a bag for life.

What is

it, Neville? Oh, no, no, nothing. I'm just wondering if I'll ever truly

understand the...

Complex workings of the female psyche.

I don't know why women in relationships prefer to drink alone, dine alone and

make love alone.

Let me give you a short cut, shall I? Women get annoyed with having bellends

boyfriends. That's pretty much all you need to know.

Loud and clear, Subidu.

Loud and clear.

Shall we?

Baby, baby, baby.

Oh, shit, shit,

shit.

Oh, so how's it all going? Oh, really good, actually. I've just worked out how

to do discounts on the computer. So now I'll do it by magic.

No, not magic. By hard managerial work.

No, it wasn't even hard. I have put tablets on at £29 .99.

You've done what?

I know.

It's a bargain, isn't it? I'm just going to do flat screen two for one now. No.

What, no?

When did you do this? What? No, well, not that long ago.

I doubt anyone will even have noticed.

Oh, they've noticed, all right.

I've only brought Empathy Eric in with me.

And Anxious Andrew.

Come on, Andrew.

Out you come.

No, it's just me and a baby here. No one can hurt you anymore.

Come.

Oh,

I'm sorry. Are you OK, Andrew?

Andrew? Are you OK?

Donna, we may need your help.

Yeah, I should say at this point that none of this is Katie's fault. Because

isn't. Yeah, no, I am happy to take the blame for this. Because it was your

fault. Everybody makes mistakes.

No, Lou, only you do. Yeah, that is our story, and we're sticking with it. OK,

so we've basically got some very stressed -out customers on the

aisle due to a pricing error, so we may need your help. Was there a crisis?

Yeah. No. Yes, there did. Well, that's a shame. I've been told very clearly

there's no crisis here today, and due to the fact that I've only got basic

clearance, I'm unable to verify the situation.

OK, fine.

You get level three security clearance.

Level three, are we? Yes. Okay, so can we get your help? Okay, let's go.

Are we talking tasers? No. And just to be very clear again, we are never

tasers. Officially.

Or ever.

Not until you get level four clearance.

Level four?

No, Tommy was level four.

But it doesn't exist.

And we might need some hair dye. Not because I don't like your hair, Anton,

to stop people asking questions.

Oh, mate.

There you are.

I thought I'd lost her. I thought I'd lost my baby, which means I'd leave my

bollocks. I mean... No, this isn't your baby.

He's mine.

And he's called Anton.

Tell him, Anton.

Wow. That is proper bonkers, isn't it?

I mean, even for you.

Congratulations, Heather. You have stepped it right up. OK, well, what if

raise her together?

You're a bit younger than I used to go for.

OK, bye.

Anton.

OK, so I'm really sorry, everybody, but it was just a typo. There are no tablets

for sale at this price.

Come on! Our apologies, but there are great deals to be had at Valco every day

of the week.

Just not as good as that one.

Sorry.

Mum and Dad and all the guests come in.

Sit down on lovely tables with decorations.

And then, yes, Inca Govan and I come through this door. Ladies and gentlemen,

please be upstanding for the bride and groom!

Hooray!

Hooray!

Oh.

Any top tips?

Just be yourself.

Depends if you want to keep your job or not.

Cheryl? This is Lou. Lou, this is Cheryl.

Hello, how are you? Lovely to meet you. Oh, and you. Thank you.

Oh, you smell really good.

I'm not being thingy. I just, you genuinely, she does. She does. That's

That's really good. And are you confident about the launch?

Well, I wasn't.

And then, and then I was.

And then I started to think, Luke, this could be the most important day of your

entire life. But do I really want it to be in a supermarket?

Exactly.

I'm really sorry. I've got to go. I've got to go and speak to Gavin.

And that, my friend, is how to make an impression.

I don't want to get married

in a supermarket.

Oh, I see.

Look, I love this place. Really, I do. And I love how romantic the idea was.

It's just that... I'm not sure I want to promise my undying love to you in the

yogurts and probiotics aisle. Are you very disappointed?

No, it's fine. Really?

Totally. You know, if I'm honest, I don't think I'm up to this job.

It's a stick of rock with your names running through them.

Piniata, centrepieces, uplighting, profiteroles.

Profiteroles aren't, like, crazy.

I don't know. It's all too much for me.

I need help, and I need your help.

OK, well, look, here's a thought. Why don't we plan this thing together?

Like a manager and a regional area manager might run a branch of Alcove.

Exactly like that.

Only to be absolutely clear, not actually in a vanco.

Oh, no, absolutely, yeah.

Honeymoon, maybe.

Did you reckon I should come back to work?

Yeah, totally. It's about time we got our sex life back on track.

Oh, baby.

What do you think of Lou, then?

Who?

The new night manager.

Oh, Lou, Lou, Lou.

No, no, I like her, I like her.

I mean, anyway, you chose her, so she's bound to be good, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, no doubt.

Good luck with all that shizzle -gizzle.

Do you know, I still have no idea what that means.

OK.