Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

I think you should just stop that. Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to

biscuits. Red hot tails.

Load to two for once. The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

I love the Valco tick.

Serves us with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this?

Tick. Serves you right.

Don't forget the Valco tick.

Check that.

Valco! Serves you right.

Oh, did she?

Oh, bless.

Hey, send us a photo, will you?

Baby just shat herself.

Lisa, can you get off your phone, please? You've got a customer.

Oh, actually, I'm due a break.

You've just had one. Yeah, I need another because I'm a new mum.

Yeah, if you were breastfeeding.

Yeah, totally am. Every hour on the hour.

Is that right?

Yeah, I don't have to answer that. I've got right.

Oh, here we go.

I could get you sacked for even talking about my breasts.

I'm not talking about them. You're obsessed with them.

Lisa, I do not care about your breasts.

Oh, my God.

You can't say that either.

Hiya.

Uh, Donna? Yeah. Yeah.

Are you still living in your car?

Oh, yes and no.

Yes, I'm still living in my car. And no is not a no, to be honest.

Do you need me to call someone at the council or something?

Oh, God, no. We've got a house.

Do this without a choice, mate.

Why? Let me tell you a story about a little girl called Donna. Donna, will

just tell me why you're sleeping in your car?

Response time.

Helps me get to a situation quicker.

Saves me time from running the car to the house.

And also, I've locked myself out.

OK, well, can you not do your ironing at work, please?

OK, but let me tell you a little story about a woman named Donna.

Morning, Margaret.

What time do you call this?

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bryan.

Oh, I've had a heck of a morning.

Alan couldn't get it up.

Here we go.

Couldn't get what up, Margaret? The umbrella, the wall clock, the loft

Oh, there were sheets and pillars flying all over the place. And he's up in them

puffing. Here's the thing, Margaret. I'm not going there with you. I'm just not.

I've been burnt too many times. You just keep on talking.

Oh, it's a 24 -hour opening.

This is going to be a nightmare.

A total nightmare.

What have I done?

Supermarket should be allowed.

Live, follow at night. I know, Gavin.

But it's just till opening whilst we restock. Whilst we restock.

I mean, is there to be no mystique left in retail?

When's it all going to end? That's what I want to know.

24 -hour bars, restaurants, petrol stations. Have you ever been out at

Gavin? I'm not a milkman, Katie.

Do you want me to do the interviews for you?

Oh, well, can't we just cancel them? I'm not in the mood.

Look, I know you don't want to do this, Gavin, but, like they say, keep your

friends close and... Your supermarket's closed between 6pm and 8 .30am.

Shall I go and see if they're here yet?

I was like, do you know what? This is my moment now.

I'm going to take some time to find out who Linda is.

When you meet her, can you let her know her shift started ten minutes ago?

I'm not feeling this lot out on my own.

I just don't want anybody fined by the man in my life anymore.

Especially not one like Neville.

Exactly. I'm going to get some squad goals me, like Taylor Swift.

Have your own floss like J -Lo. Exactly.

Marry a multi -millionaire rapper like Kim Kardashian.

I like him.

So, all you've got to do is get the interviews to sign in and then take them

Gavin's office. OK, what if they're just shopping?

Then don't get them to sign in. Just take them straight to Gavin's office.

No, just let them do shopping.

God, you just sign here, then, please.

I'm not going for the interview.

Oh, right.

Just shopping.

Now, if they are here for the job, they'll let you know.

It's really not that difficult, shall I? What are you making it so complicated

for, then?

And in the end, I said, Alan, you're just going to have to finish this off

yourself, otherwise I'll be late for work.

OK, let's just leave it there, shall we?

Then as soon as I said that, whoosh, it went to our point.

Jesus Christ.

But that's the thing about sofa beds, isn't it? You've got to have that night.

Sofa bed!

It was a sofa bed!

Well, I basically funded my way through university working as a shelf stacker.

No, no students. I'm not having Valco turned into some sort of freshers' week

orgy. Well, me old family didn't supermarket business, Gavin, as you well

No. He's your cousin, Gavin. This isn't the Mafia, Katie.

No.

Gavin, Susan B .K. How you doing?

How am I doing?

How am I doing? I'm not a cowboy, Susan Beak. Here's what I should have said to

Susan Beak. Gavin Peter Castle, Peter Gavin.

Please meet me.

Bracelets? This isn't Glastonbury.

Here's what I should have said to Peter Castle.

You just did.

Oh, yeah, so I did. Don't do that. Don't do that again, OK? I don't like it. I

told you, I don't like it.

Honestly, I'd take a few seconds to put this up. Seriously, can you stop that?

Stop it.

Are you OK?

I did not touch that. Yes, you did. Zip it, Ryan.

I told you, just ignore him. He's just a kid, doesn't know what he's talking

about. You are touching it. All right, maybe I did a bit, but I'm just looking

for a job. Well, in that case, just sign your name here and I'll take you

through to meet Gavin.

Why? So he can interview you, of course.

Wow!

But why was the sofa bed out in the first place?

Well, because I'm doing jury duty and sometimes I haven't finished till gone

eleven. Never as exciting as you think it's going to be, is it? What have you

got? Petty theft?

Speeding offence?

Double homicide.

Double homicide?

Oh, that is so unfair!

I wanted a double homicide!

Not how it sounds. Walk on.

Gavin? This is Gavin.

Oh! What, another Gavin?

Oh, would you believe it?

Pleased to meet you, Gavin.

Oh, pleased to meet you, Gavin.

Take a seat.

Although, in many ways, I feel like I know you already.

Well, I say, how? We're not secretly brothers, are we?

Actually, I'm a long -time subscriber of Supermarkets Monthly, and no -one

writes a letter to the editor like Gavin Strong.

Oh, you know what they say? Flashery will get you everywhere.

Excuse me.

Can I get a packet? In a minute.

Where were the bodies found?

En -suite, fully clothed. A crime of passion? You'd think.

But the lazy -eyed lady said that victim A was really just the window cleaner.

Wrong time, wrong place.

It was never meant to be in the vicarage that day.

The vicarage, you say? On the Sankey Road?

No, Church Lane, I think it was.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

Got any Floridics?

No, but I've got a darn good hunch about something.

Margaret, hold my calls.

I'll be right back.

Brian!

We haven't got a telephone.

It looks like we've found a guy. Katie, you unfudge.

The man was a complete disaster, though. He's just not right.

Look, Gavin, you can't delay this any longer. If you don't choose today, head

office will choose for you.

Gavin was great.

Another one, Katie.

Oh, well, we're not quite done yet. That's well.

Bring them in.

I'm just wondering what to do with these, because I wasn't actually

actual interview.

No, no, come on in. I mean, how much trouble can they be?

So, what supermarket experience have you had?

Loads. I think I've been to all of them, actually.

Taco, Morrison.

Can you

not

touch that? Can you not do that? Can you not do that, Ryan?

and my Sudoku skills.

Yeah. Don't touch, just stop that.

Stop, go and do something else. I've got an angry face, look.

And my, um, finding a face part in a picture. Like, if you just handed me a

picture of Brad Pitt's nose, I'd be like, boom, that is Brad Pitt's nose!

straight away.

Yeah.

Truth is, I'd do pretty much anything you wanted. Come on.

Right, OK, come on.

Slightly weirder than I was hoping.

Ow! Jeez.

OK, I think, I think that's everything.

Okay, thank you. Thank you very much for your time. Thank you.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. No, no, not at all.

I've got a spare shirt with me.

You just look after that little scamp of yours.

I think he can now.

We'll be in touch. Can you tell him not to wee in the plant pot?

Don't piss in the plant pot.

It's not a wee.

Oh, my God, it's not a wee.

Brian!

Imagine if we hired her.

The night shift would be a disaster.

Yeah, but wouldn't it be? It would... be a total disaster.

Thank you all for hanging on for us today. Sorry, it's probably a little bit

a... Sorry.

Sorry. Dropping the kids. With a responsible adult.

Wouldn't leave them in the car with a fidget spinner and a packet of Quavers.

OK, we're just about to say who's going through to the second interview.

Got it.

Zip. Lou out.

Clunk. Anyway, yeah, so... Well, if you hear your name called out, then please

just step forward.

So... Gavin Nye.

Yes. That's a bit aggressive.

And... You sure?

Yeah.

Lou Chettle.

Too slow.

Chest pump.

Yeah, why not?

Boing! Yeah, feels good, right?

Yes! Yes!

Linda, word on Love Street is that you're never finished, so I got you

Aw, thanks, Harry. What do you have to have me? A reward, of sorts.

I've waited three years for you and never be over, and quite frankly, I

it's my turn.

You know, have a go. Have a go.

Yeah. Have you ever noticed, Linda, how one day you can be looking at a tiny,

insignificant little caterpillar, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere,

boom, it'll blossom into, say, a sexy white moth?

Well, do you know what I do when I see a moth in the bedroom at night, Harry?

I'd love to find out.

I batter it, cos I bloody hate moths!

Right, well, I'm pretty much up for anything, so... See you, Harry.

Move along now, you're bothered.

Right, here we go.

Ta -da!

I've cornered off a nice private space for you. I've got a lovely comfy chair

and favourite magazine just for you.

Oh, and...

So, off you go.

I can't.

It's too bright in here.

That chair should be a recliner. Window's in the wrong place.

Oh, really? Says who?

Recent studies.

In what?

Dairy.

I think you're talking shit, Lisa.

Are you a mum, Katie?

I am. No.

No, no, you're not.

Recent studies, Katie.

Recent? Studies.

Put down your potato waffle, Margaret, because we've got work to do.

Ryan, are you mental?

What are you playing at?

What's all this?

Bin bags, Margaret.

But not just any bin bags.

Bin bags that we need to go through with a fine -tooth comb, because these

babies are bin bags from the vicarage.

So, congratulations on getting through to the second round.

Wahoo -ee!

Is this like judges' houses?

No.

The live shows?

No, this is just a practical.

OK, OK, so Shai is going to kind of role -play some scenarios here for us, so

off you go, shall we?

Here, boss, wagwan.

Sorry, Shai.

Why are you talking in a Jamaican accent? Oh, because my character just

from there and he's one of those people that picks up accents really, really

quickly.

OK, cut the accent.

OK.

And the limp. Well, he was in an accident.

Oh. OK.

Hey, boss, I need to go home urgently.

All right, mate, off you pop.

Oh!

Oh! Woo!

Oh!

OK, over to you, Kevin.

Hey, boss, I need to go home urgently.

Again.

I'm afraid this is an unauthorised absence.

So we'll have to mark it on a timesheet and you'll have your pay docked

accordingly.

Well, yeah, yeah, you could say that. You know, if you want to lose your

debt morale, leading to anything from union actions to suicide pacts.

Well, neither did I, which is why I knocked on their door and claimed to be

North West Power. They let me straight in.

Whose door?

Oh, do try to keep up, Margaret. The murderer's. Or should I say suspected

murderer's, because the en suite had no windows.

I'm not following.

All right, I put it to you. What was a supposedly innocent window cleaner doing

in a room with no windows?

Well... Ask Linda. She's on next series, aren't you, love? Jury duty.

Oh, yeah.

Amazing, innit? No spoilers.

Hang on.

Are you saying this is just something you're watching on television?

Oh, it's ever so good, Brian.

It's got that meaner anwar in it.

But you said you were doing jury duty. You said that.

Yeah, well...

I've already done Downton and I've done Sons of Anarchy, so... Now you're doing

jury duty.

Yeah. I'll lend you the box set when I've done.

Oh, bin bags.

Oh, Brian, what is he like?

Where do I die, Spy?

Always best to wait a bit before you jump to conclusions with Margaret.

I thought you'd have learned that by now.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Picture the scene. It's 3am.

Panic! Breakdown's in store.

A shell stacker comes rolling into your office. He screams.

Help, help, for the love of God, there's a flood in the loading bay.

Screams. OK, thank you, Shy, we get the idea.

Gavin, what would you do?

Well, I'd probably ask them to show me where the flood was.

What, because you don't trust the word of your staff?

Well, it's... Meanwhile, just because Gavin Yang wants to see it for himself,

hundreds, probably thousands of people have been committed to a watery grave.

Is that what you want, Yang?

Oh, right. Well, maybe not.

Lou, what do you do?

What did you do that for?

I'm role -playing. He seems hysterical, so I slapped him. Yeah, we saw that.

Gavin, are you all right?

Yeah, that's very good there, yes.

Very instinctive there. Great work there, Lou.

So tonight, I can just watch whatever I want to watch on TV and eat whatever

food I like.

Oh, honestly.

Don't miss our special offers in store today.

A two -pack of singlets for £5.

Buy one, get one free on Single Cream.

20 % off all single lemons.

Welcome. Thank you. That was well out of order.

Thanks.

Falco would like to remind our boring married couples how much fun it is being

single and how they're not even bothered.

Falco, serve you right.

Right,

you have got everything you have demanded. You are good to go. No more

Unless, of course, you are lying about breastfeeding, and in that case, I'll

have to dock your paper. All right, all right. I'm nearly done brewing, so I'm

going to get some now.

OK, well, don't let me stop you. It's not like I haven't seen them at every

Christmas party in the photocopier, is it? Off you go.

OK,

stop, stop, stop.

I know you're not really breastfeeding, Lisa. It was a joke. Thank God for that.

It does have some action, actually.

Here we go, then.

Oh,

Jesus!

Oh.

Actually, hang on.

That's not bad when you get going.

Oh, yeah, hello.

Okay, you can take that home.

Okay, thank you guys for waiting.

So, it's that time, I'm afraid. We're going to have to let one of you go.

It's not been easy, but one candidate has really stood out for me today.

And that person is...

Seven.

Lou Chattel!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no.

Don't worry, I've got a spare.

You know, don't... This was that spare, but it's nearly home time, so, you know,

it's not a problem. Just a slight scolding, that's all. All right.

Ah!

You've chettled. You've chettled. You've chettled.

Right, I'm off home. Oh, I can't wait to find out who done it. Margaret, promise

me that from now on we avoid the topic.

About private lives. Okay.

Mr. Brian Fulton?

That's him.

I need you to come down to the station. We need to ask you a few questions.

About?

Impersonating a utilities provider, false entry onto private property.

I can explain all that.

He only went down there to steal a few bin bags.

And first... Margaret!

I'm sorry, Brian.

He told me not to talk about his private life.

This is just a misunderstanding.

Tell her, Margaret.

No, I promise to stay well out of it. My lips are sealed, just like you said.

Night!

I hope you know what you're doing, Gavin Strong.

Me too.

My old Mowbray's Katie.

Why, you're creeping up on me.

She was never even here for the manager job.

Well, it's serendipity then, isn't it?

Let's hope so.

See you tomorrow, Kevin.

Yeah, yeah, see you tomorrow, Katie.

I told you loads of times before.

I really need a lift.

I'm going into town, I can't.

Right, so how am I supposed to get home?

On the bus.

Ew, buses take forever. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Look at you, independent lady.

This isn't what you wanted, is it?

Yeah, it is.

Totally.

Bye, then. Bye.

Hey, Neb, it's me.

You couldn't pick us up from work, could you?

Sorry, Gavin.

Just having a quick wash before I bed down in the Subaru.

Yeah, but I don't have any showering facilities in here.

You'd be amazed how clean I can get with a wet wipe and an exfoliation mitt.

Listen, um, Donna, it's very kind of you to offer your services for these 24

-hour openings, Donna, but, I mean, haven't you got a home to go to?

You know, it's funny you should ask that, Gavin.

Let me tell you a little story about a woman named Donna.

I have no idea she was... about a TV show. I mean, what town doesn't have a

church, Lane?

Margaret! Tell her!

Margaret!