Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale, loads of total ones.

The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

I love the Valco Tick.

Serves us with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this?

Tick serves you right.

Don't forget the Valco Tick.

Check that.

Valco serves you right.

Purple rain.

It's incredible.

I know.

I can't believe it either.

The green. Just slightly darker.

Exactly.

Oh, well.

I suppose we'd better go and give the fans what they've been waiting for.

Give me a G. Give me an A. Give me a B. Give me an I. Give me an N.

Sorry, can you just slow down a bit, please?

Happy New Uniform Day, everyone!

Are we excited?

No. Please stop talking, Gabby.

Woo!

Now, I appreciate that it's a little bit different, and some of you may need

time to adjust.

Are you freaking out a bit, Gab?

No. Have they changed the green, Gavin?

Well, maybe a bit, but I think it looks really... Really snazzy.

So, without further ado, I'd like you all to come up one by one to collect

yours. And first up is Margaret.

Oh, me?

Oh, my goodness.

I've got nothing prepared.

So, what's your size, Margaret?

I'm a 38 double E, if you must know. And my Alan likes me to wear a smaller size

because he doesn't push it. It's just medium, large or extra large, Margaret.

Oh, I'll have a medium.

Don't do it here, Margaret.

Why don't you take yourself off to the locker room?

Is that a new suit then, Gavin?

Oh, no, this is a uniform. Shine my suit to my own.

So that's what people meant when they said you had bad taste. What? Yeah. Most

people can't believe a woman like Cheryl's with a guy like you.

But then some women do like men way below their league.

What? Way, way below.

You must worry about holding on to her. I've got a lot to do, Shai. There's a

new security guard staff. Especially with the wedding coming up. Shai, why

you just... Were you going to say the F word?

Because it sounded like you were.

Oh, you'd agree.

Arm behind the back. Kick both legs out on your mind.

Too easy.

Donna Calabresi, elite security consultant.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr Strong.

Call me Gavin.

I'd rather not.

Blows my embrace.

Right.

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't realise that you'd come up to the office already.

Yeah, nobody did, Gavin.

I walked right through, unimpeded.

Could have been anyone.

Yeah, except that you've got the key fob and the security code that we sent you.

Didn't need them. Well, the key fob I did, but I forgot the code, so I just

kicked the door in. It was easy.

Right. Would you care to take a seat?

No, thanks.

Once I've started my shift, I keep standing.

More alert.

Even through lunch.

Or on the crapper.

Plus, sitting can kill you. So well, in fact.

I don't think it can.

I'll first start with a full sweep of the compound, Mrs. Strong. I'll give you

full report by the end of the day. OK, well, you know, it's really just

shoplifters you'll need to worry about. They're mostly just school kids.

Bastards. Pop on.

Kids.

Don't take the piss out of me, Mrs. Strong.

Not anymore.

Right.

Anyway, I'll get going.

Don't like to stay in one room for too long. Not even on the crapper. Lucy,

please stop saying that. Yeah, not a problem. Not a problem.

You see, you can count on me, Gavin.

Because I'm a professional.

An elite professional, isn't I?

Super. Oh, and I will be needing a new key fob and the security codes as well.

Do you know what? I'm a 5A, isn't it?

Must be all that gym work.

Are you shy here? Yeah, I am. Let me have a look. No.

You've cut the label out.

Yeah, cos it scratches.

You're a lying cow, Linda.

Delivery for Neville's number one gal.

Oh, my God, yeah, that's me. What the hell?

Please.

Ta -da!

Doves? Are you stupid?

One for each heavenly year together. Nothing else could rival your beauty,

Linda. Just look at the plumage on... Oh!

Drat. She's such an idiot.

Oh, double drat.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, come on.

Come on.

Three years.

Oh, love, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

It's okay, you won't know.

She won't be here. She'll be at home with your family or close friend.

No, I'll keep busy.

No, come on. Come on, come on.

I was only supposed to be a Christmas kid.

I know, love.

I know.

I've just passed the mouthwash and the electric toothbrushes.

Guess who?

Cheryl Fairweather. Oh, Gavin?

It's supposed to be a game.

Oh, sorry, so no dude again?

No. Oh, come on. Oh, all right.

Guess who?

Oh, I can't think of anybody funny.

Oh, sorry.

And how is my area manager and regional fiancé? Oh, it's amazing.

In Wigan for a hire, witness for a fire.

Rhyme! And then I heard that Brenda was coming to Warrington. Brenda O 'Connor

coming here? Yes. Flying without wings? Why?

Because I feckin' own the police, Gavin. That is uncanny.

Look, Heather, can you do an emergency spruce up at the front entrance? The big

cheese is on his way. Right. I'll let the deli know.

Sorry? About the big cheese?

Oh, no, it's just an expression, Heather. It means the boss.

Oh!

I'll get on it straight away, sir.

She's not the full shill in that one. Oh, no, that's gone sort of Welsh there.

What about this? It's more Indian. What about that now?

Scottish. Why iPad?

How does that sound? Well, Geordie, no, there you go. I can't do it anymore. I

had it, and it's gone. Now, come on, look.

A new tunic's got epaulets.

Ooh, it's like you're in the army.

Well, I am, in a way, the science army.

Bombing infections with chemical weapons of mass prescription.

Beefkeeping with local bacteria who don't speak much English.

And... Well, anyway.

You haven't forgotten about tonight, have you? Dinner?

Oh, no.

No, not forgotten.

Oh, we're looking forward to having you both round.

It'll be nice to finally meet Alan.

And your wife, the doctor. Oh, it's going to be so much fun.

There'll just be the four of us.

You mentioned that me and Alan are swingers, didn't you?

Do you mean swingers, Margaret?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we often have another couple around so that we can share partners.

OK, go on.

Well, sometimes whole parties where we all have a go with each other. I can get

quite sweaty sometimes, you know, the different moods. OK, Margaret, enough.

Please tell me you know what swingers parties are.

Of course I do.

Swing in 60s.

Beatles.

Lulu, Cilla.

Oh, and the food at these parties.

One week, we even got involved in a spit roast.

How can I help?

You look great.

Yeah, I feel.

Gather. Mr. O 'Connor, what an honour.

Mine.

To what do we owe the pleasure? You come to see the new uniforms, I presume.

Gavin, do I look like a man who gives a shite about new uniforms? Do I?

No. Well, I do.

I need to get you a better suit for starters.

Well, this is my own.

Jesus. Told you. Thank you, Shai. You remember my fiancée, Cheryl?

Fiancée?

How did you manage that, Gavin? Hung like a razor.

Is that right, Gavin? Definitely not, sir. Well, I'll be the judge of that.

Oh, that's pretty good, Gavin, yeah.

It's a bit thin.

That's a weight -up.

Right,

I need to talk to you, Gavin. I need your help.

Yeah, of course, sir.

What with?

It's very private, Gavin. It's very private and very personal.

Right, well, really? Well, perhaps you should come to my office, then.

Perfect.

As I warned you, Gavin, I'm going to do some crying.

A lot of it!

Well, I've still got two, but that third sure is a slippery critter. And whoever

knew the bird of peace could be so violent?

Still, all in the name of love.

Hey, Colin, isn't it the sweetest thing in the world? Trying to sleep here,

Neville?

Tell me, how was Kipper got last night because of the baby?

Yes, you did. Nine and a half hours. It's ridiculous. Me and Lisa had to shag

lying down. We were so knackered. I do apologise. Go back to sleep. I will

continue working your station. Well, do you know what? I'm already awake now,

Neville. I was just saying, three glorious years.

Three years of happiness because of one amazing woman.

I've been saved by a woman.

You know, I have. I have been saved.

My baby!

Hello, baby!

Did you decide on a name in the end?

Baby. Just made so much sense.

Yeah, we just kept forgetting the others, didn't we?

Oh, delightful.

You look well, Lisa. How's life as a mum? Yeah, fine.

They just sort of look after themselves, don't they? Yeah.

Oh, I remember that age like it was yesterday.

Me and Vanessa driving Chloe around in the car to get her to go to sleep,

stopping at Mike's, picking up Vanessa in the morning.

Who's a boring man?

Neville's a boring man. I know. At least you're spending some quality time as a

couple. Yeah.

Colin put in a bit of quality time down there this morning. Oh, yeah, man. I was

like a dog with a boner. Oh, right.

Yeah, it was like bobbing for apple to have fun for. Oh, gosh. Just tear me on

so much.

Shall I take baby? I think... Shall we go and look at the doves?

That's it.

Come on.

That's it, baby.

Let's look at the doves. Look at that.

She's leaving me, Gavin.

Oh, dear.

Is this Mrs O 'Connor, I presume?

Yes.

Brenda. She's leaving me. Is your wife called Brenda, Brenda?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

Said she can't take any more of my mood swings.

My fucking mood swings, Gavin!

That seems very unreasonable.

Well, exactly.

It's the way it came to you, you see.

Because if a man like you can get a woman like Cheryl, you must have a way

women.

Well, I mean, she's so out of your league.

Well, anyway, I'm very glad to help, sir. God, I love you.

Thank you, Mr O 'Connor. Let's go drinking.

Come on, let's get fucked up. Hit some bars, get a couple of prostitutes.

Come on, just the two of us. We're like brothers, only naked. I'm not sure that

a bit of Sandy and purchasing love is the answer.

No, you're right.

You're always right.

There's only one thing left to do.

You're going to have to call her.

What? Tell her I'm sorry.

Tell him that I need him, for God's sake. It's ringing.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Brenda?

Yes, it is, Gavin. How did you... Anyway, listen, I've got... I've got

here with me. He's really very, very upset.

He says that he loves you.

I've never said that before.

No, I don't think you should do anything rash. Brenda!

Yes, I'll... I'll tell him.

Yes, you have a lovely day, Sue.

Bye, Brenda.

Well, she says she wants a divorce.

She wants half of everything, including Valco.

Hold on.

I mean, why would you tell her that I love her, Gavin? Why would you do

something so stupid? Well, you said to her your oats is on a piece of paper. To

you, Gavin, to you! Now she thinks I'm weak, vulnerable.

She's going to come after half.

Any idea how much that's worth, Gavin?

Well, you've an estimated worth of 1 .1 billion. You've got a 60 % stake in

Valco Foods and the Valco Food Group. Around 300 million plus dividends.

Bollocks! You just gave away 300 million, Gavin. That's like...

Five hospitals, Gavin.

You've just closed five hospitals.

300 million. How in the name of Jesus am I supposed to recover all of that?

Not with sweet fucking Jesus.

I'll have to close Valco. You've just closed Valco. Sir, I'm really sorry for

your situation, but I can't be held responsible.

In order to recoup that much money, Valco would have to be open 24 hours a

and we all know that that's not possible. Wait.

Say that again.

Valka would have to be open 24... I don't need you to say it again, Gavin. I

hate you the first time.

It's genius.

What is?

24 -hour opening.

That could make enough money to cover the 300 million. I bloody love you,

Please, let's not start all that again. I can't believe we didn't do it sooner.

But I thought this was all about getting your wife back.

What? Why would I want her back?

She's a terrible woman.

No, this was about me not being able to afford the divorce but you.

You've solved all of that.

Can't hide you enough.

Brendan! How are you, girls?

You all right? Didn't we get you a den of coals up there? Yeah, Gavin.

That should sort your hay fever, which in truth is a made -up allergy and

doesn't actually exist. Thank you.

I've got a bottle of plonk. That should loosen Alan up a bit.

Loosen him up. Well, he can be shy at first, but when he gets going, he's

the showman, he's Alan.

Yeah, he's a real comedian.

Oh, he put my shoes on once, you know, just for a laugh.

Crazy. Oh, it was so funny.

His feet are the same size as mine. Oh, it did look silly.

I'm sure.

Well, I'd been on holiday with my sister and I don't know, I guess, that I was

coming home early. But when I got in, he's in the bedroom wearing all my

clothes.

A wig and full make -up and he got me shoes on.

Oh, it was so funny. Oh, we laughed and laughed.

And then we never talked about it again.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Oh, so good. 24 -hour opening.

Try my halo.

Oh, thank you.

Look, it's not the end of the world. And Warrington gets the footfall, plus

we'll be providing a service to the community throughout the night. I can't

believe you'd say that, Cheryl. You know what I feel about it. It's even opening

on a Sunday. Yeah, I know, love. I know. A supermarket needs to lie fallow at

night. Yes, but you remember what we said about James.

Oh, shit.

Chilled. And anyway, you know, it probably never even happened. You know

Brendan's like. He's random at the best of times. He's probably already

forgotten. Excuse me. Carol.

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? Brendan.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Gavin did.

I see.

Oh, that's great news, Carol. Yeah, thanks for calling. Yeah. Bye -bye. Bye

now. What did he say?

I'm afraid it's already done.

Apparently he told everyone it was your idea and now everybody ahead of us hates

you. Well,

what was the great news?

Oh, my Amazon delivery's arrived.

It's just water.

If you're this fed up, why don't you just dump him?

How? How do you dump Neville?

He's the sweetest, most sensitive man I've ever met.

So annoying, though. So annoying.

It's just not how I see my life panning out.

And, like, what if he wants kids?

Couldn't give him his DNA. It wouldn't be fair.

No, no, it wouldn't be, love.

Do you know what I think?

You look really nice in that new uniform.

Really suits you. No way. What?

I'm not doing it for you. Oh, mate, please. No way. You made your bed,

lying it.

Besides, it's not that bad, really, is it?

Oh, Linda.

My favourite dream.

Always looking gorgeous, yeah, the cutest I've seen.

Ever since I met you, you've captured my heart.

And if you want a Romeo, then I'll play the part. Stop. Linda.

Can't take it anymore, Nev.

I just can't. Another tune, my love?

My girl, she's the cream of the crop. And since I started loving her, I just

can't stop. She's got beautiful eyes and beautiful hair.

I'm so lucky I'm a teddy bear. We're over now.

It's done.

We're splitting up.

Can you do that one again?

My girl Linda, she's the cream of the crop.

And since I started loving you, I just can't stop. She's got a beautiful eyes

and beautiful hair.

I'm so lucky I'm a teddy bear.

My girl Linda, she's the cream of the crop.

And since I started loving you, I just can't stop. She's got a beautiful eyes

and beautiful hair.

We're going to need 20 new staff and more stock.

A bigger cold store?

When are we going to get the cleaners in on the floor? It's just going to look

like a disco at closing time. Well, you've never even been to a disco, my

and you certainly wouldn't say till closing time.

Mr Strong!

Donna, I really wish that you would know.

I can't do that, I'm afraid.

Losing the element of surprise.

Donna, I can't breathe.

Did my security evaluation, Mr Strong.

What are we looking at here, then?

Oh, um... That is Valco Warrington. It's a car park.

That's my Subaru Impreza.

Uh -huh.

What are all the red bits?

Points of vulnerability.

Well, they're everywhere.

Affirmative. This door's like a big pair of open legs and with a ball just

waiting to be kicked.

My recommendation is we close down the store.

Oh, absolutely not.

Right. Plan B?

I don't really have one.

And I thought you'd go.

Closing down the store.

How about losing the tills?

No. Okay, then. I'm going to need a deputy.

My brother Ty could do it for 30 quid a day. I mean, he used to have a crack

problem, but he's clean now.

Okay.

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

Especially if this 24 -hour thing's happening.

How do you know about that?

Can't tell you that, I'm afraid.

Don't want to compromise my sources.

Also,

you have a pigeon infestation.

Just FYI.

Hey, look, enough of the worrying, you.

This 24 -hour thing's going to be fine. And anyway, it won't even be your

problem. It'll be the job of a night manager.

Of course.

Now, wait.

I can't share the store with someone else.

What? Not with someone else. No, not my Valerie.

You've named the store Valerie?

Yeah, Valerie Velko.

Actually, can you forget I ever heard that? Yes, I think I better have.

Little fact, old Pogues made out a way for thin ham.

Ferris. Ferris.

Hayley's there. You all right?

Yeah, I just came in to show everyone baby.

Been here ages, actually.

Can I see her?

Oh, Nev's just changing her out the back.

Sorry that took such a long time. It really was the most horrifying poo for

a young baby.

Oh, I think she's done another.

Nev, let's go.

Yes, of course, only I did want to speak to Linda. She's dumped me, you see.

It's not all about you, is it, Nev? No, right you are.

Come on.

Do you know what? She takes after Papa.

Why? Because I always double poo.

He does.

He poos, then he comes back, says he needs another poo, so he goes for

Fascinating. I just do a massive one in the morning.

I really don't care. You go for one at night and all?

Oh, yeah, I always do, and at lunch. This one loves a lunchtime poo.

Oh, God, I have missed this.

What? This grown -up conversation.

Stuck at home on the sofa all day. It's just not me.

I am a career woman.

I thrive in a high -pressure working environment.

Why don't you swap?

Colin, you could be a stay -at -home dad.

Huh? Well, I could be a modern father, no problem.

Like, ooh, like that dude on the Athena poster, you know, and he's like, oh,

you'd really do that? I love my baby, and it'd be an honour.

Hold on.

Yeah, have you fed her?

No, she do a feed?

I'm not sure.

Right, sure.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

My wife's in the middle of an operation and it's running over. She won't be able

to make it tonight.

Oh, that's terrible.

It is. Well, you know what these doctors are like. Yeah, bloody idiot.

Exactly. Bastard.

Look, I'm really sorry. After all the trouble you and Alan have gone to.

Oh, it's no problem, honestly.

You sure?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, that's good of you.

Yeah, to be nice, just the three of us, anyway.

What? Oh, you'll need a meal now, especially if your wife's working late.

But I thought... No, look, it'll give Alan a really good chance to get to know

you better. He's been saying, oh, I can't wait to tell Brian about my third

What? Oh, it's huge.

Oh, you should see it. Thank God. He lets me have a go on it sometimes, but I

don't like walking sticks, do you?

Linda, can I have a word?

Yes. I just wanted to say I understand.

Really? Yes. In truth, I've been waiting for this day for about three years.

Me too.

I mean, I've been expecting it.

Oh.

I've tried to give you what you want, but I've come up short.

I just want you to know I will always treasure the time we've spent together.

Everyone's going to think I'm such a cow.

No, no.

They will and they won't know how hard it's been for me.

I'll tell them. Yeah, but everyone's going to be on your side because you've

been dumped.

I dumped you.

It's just getting easier to hear.

It's so unfair.

I know.

I know.

Here we go. Have some ham.

Go on.

24 hours.

What a future.

Oh, she'll be fine.

Won't you, Valerie?

I'll drop you at your mom's.

She'd be so pleased that we finished.

Oh, no. Not again.

Told her it's good luck.