Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Serve it with a smile.

From booze to biscuit.

Red hot ale.

Loads of tofu ones. The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this?

Don't forget the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick. I love the

tick. Valco!

Serves you right.

Don't forget our brilliant...

Right. Merry Christmas, everyone. Come on now, listen up. So, 2008.

What a year.

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. Wayne and Colleen

Rooney tied the knot.

And Valco Wiggin broke the £145 ,000 takings mark, a record which we never

thought would be beaten until today.

We're going for the highest Christmas Eve taking from any Valco store.

Margaret, what's going on?

I think Wayne Rooney's been made President of America. Whoever takes the

money today will win this.

Vernon, the Valco bear.

Why would an adult want a giant teddy bear?

Well, hands up who wants to win Vernon.

It is a pretty good bear, actually.

Careful, Gavin. If everyone wants it, things could turn grisly.

Now that, that is grade A workplace humour, Tim. How do you do it?

I don't know.

Grin and bear it, I suppose.

Tim, Tim, Tim.

Marvellous, marvellous stuff.

And now for some sad news.

You're not ill, are you?

What? No.

I won't be certain until I've run some tests. I'm going to need four blood

samples and a stool.

Shall I fetch one from canteen? Different stool, Margaret, different

No, no, no, the sad news is that today, today is Daniel's last day.

He's leaving us for head office.

What did you do that for? Last day, innit? A candle. It's not a candle.

Blow it out. I'm not blowing anything. But we found a very able replacement, so

I want you all to join hands in welcoming our new deputy manager, Katie!

Now, I'm sure that you'd like to all join me in saying what an achievement

is. So, let's all synchronise watches. The store opens in five minutes.

And let's get ready to retail!

Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas to you. I can't wait for tomorrow.

Got anything special planned? Me and Alan are going to see the Carols. Oh, I

love a good Carol.

Do you have a favourite?

Now, that's a toughie.

I would say the tall one.

The tall one? She's more friendly than Alan's sister, Carol.

Right, right. When you said the Carols, you meant two people called Carol.

Of course I did. What did you think I meant?

Yes, madam, what can I get you? Neville!

Christmas card off me and Lisa.

Oh, lovely card. Look at this.

Well, there's a joke in there, too. Oh, this is fun.

Why did naughty Neville get no Christmas present?

Because even his kids hate him.

I pissed myself when I came up with that one. Well, as you see, it's the thought

that counts.

There's nothing like a busy supermarket on Christmas Eve.

Oh, no better time to be an area manager. Crisis management all day. I'm

literally on my fourth coffee.

It really is. Talk to me, Tony.

All gone. Right, do a horizontal product push. Get the organic chickens out. Say

Jamie Oliver said they're this year's turkeys. They will literally fly off the

shelf. It's basic demand creation, yeah.

Oh, look. Hey, look, there's Tim.

Hey, Tim. Tim, mate.

How's it going?

Oh, like Chris Akabusi.

Record breakers? The takings.

Oh, record breakers. Wonderful stuff. We are going to hammer Wigan 2008,

mate. Oh, you're just great, Tim.

You just love the same things, you know.

Retail, cycling, diastrates.

Uh -huh. All gone.

As you know, I'm going to let him DJ the party tonight, so, you know, you'd

better watch out. You might see me tearing up the dance floor with some

moves. Yeah, well, tell Roncorn to get you some more bags for life, otherwise

I'll have my boot up their arse. I've never really had a proper work friend

before. It's so exciting.

Little me, high -fiving a colleague. You know, I feel like the thongs.

So, are you even listening to me? Yes, yes, Tim, your friend. I've got it, I've

got it.

Julie, get your shit together. It's Christmas Eve. Secret Santa to you.

Secret Santa to you.

Happy birthday, dear Santa.

How about some of that? Bit of that. There we go. Merry Christmas.

I've got one more for you, Margaret.

I fixed it, so I got Katie. Got her something a little bit special.

You know she's got a boyfriend?

Yeah, it's me. Well, it won't be too happy about you giving her special

presents. Margaret, I... Thanks for the warning.

Secret Santa to you, secret Santa to you.

Oh, special presents.

It's the key to my place, so I'm going to ask her to move in with me.

Oh, a present that costs nothing.

Thanks, Daniel.

What else are you going to get her, mate? You know, why don't you give her a

lift in your car or something? I think it's a lovely gesture. She doesn't think

I've got her anything. I told her I don't want to do gifts. Can't wait to

the look on her face.

What are you doing? What?

I just put this on.

Yeah, and it's Christmas.

Yes, I'm sure it's very sad that he left you at the altar, but I can't keep

talking you down like this. Now get out of the cupboard and run your branch.

Yes, you've got this.

Why is it always Julie Bloody Cook when we'd never...

Do you think I should ask him to stay on after Christmas?

I mean, far too good just to be at him. I don't know. I mean, he might say no.

Hello?

It's your fiancé here, Gavin.

Let me just see if Cheryl's available. One moment.

Oh, little town of Adelaide, how sweet... Cheryl Fairweather speaking.

It's Gavin Strong here from the Warrington branch.

I'm just wondering, do you think I should ask Tim to stay on as staff after

Christmas? Ah, well, that's your call. I've got to go.

Hello? I've got a five -second break to fancy a slog in the aisle. Cheryl

Fairweather, what's got into you?

It's bloody Christmas -y!

Fairweather, see you.

Ah, that's really cute.

So you're going to the party?

Yeah, I can't wait.

Every party I've been to lately has been in a church hall singing the wheels on

the bus.

They just go round and round, it does your head in.

But tonight, Wild Lisa's coming out to lock up your boyfriend.

But not yours, obviously.

No offence.

None taken.

How's it going, Margaret?

That is the life.

There are no names on these. I know.

I took them all off. Why?

Because it's secret.

Santa. It can't all be secret. I mean, people need to know what presents are

theirs. Well, they will when they open them. But they can't open them because

nobody will know who's this who's.

It's secret. Santa.

Oh, you are a silly beggar sometimes.

Okay,

all right.

You take this present, all right? Now.

Imagine you're at the party.

It's secret Santa time.

I was at the party.

Does it matter?

Yes. If that fishmonger with the bushy eyebrows is there, I am not staying. He

called me the N -word.

All right, fine. He's not there.

So you've got the present.

How do you know who it's for?

To call the neighbours off. There we go.

I've ruined Christmas.

Oh, no, no, no, Margaret.

No, no, we can sort this. Look, I'll tell you what we do. We open all the

presents and then we figure out who they're for.

Oh.

Right, lads.

So, let's get everything set up.

The party starts at six o 'clock.

If everything goes according to plan, we'll have robbed the place and be out

here by 7 .30.

Just what I'm looking for.

You do know you have a knob on your arm.

Oh, Colin.

How's he? I've literally just pulled this out of the packet.

So, I know we weren't doing presents, but everybody knows that means one of

so... Wow.

A what?

I love it. It's really awkward now. I didn't get you anything.

You've got me nothing for Christmas.

No, we did say no presents, didn't we? Yeah, but... Seriously, you've got me

nothing. Oh, I didn't realise.

That's all right, isn't it? Yeah.

Slime!

If things turn nasty, we will need weapons.

That's where Baz comes in.

Now, I don't like using guns, but do I come get guns?

What? It was not enough in the budget. I had to get tater sticks.

Why did you go for pink? It's Christmas Eve. It's all I had left.

You look like knobs.

Tim! Hey, Tim, mate!

Hi. Merry Christmas, guys.

Merry Christmas.

Any news on takings?

Are we on course to tear Wigan a new sales hole?

It's a bit tight, but I think we can do it.

The big 145K!

Yes!

That would be amazing.

I don't suppose you know what percentage of that will be cash, do you? How

marvellous of you to take such an interest.

I wish some of my other members of staff were this keen.

You won't find keener than me.

I think you're great, Tim.

Yeah, and I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to stay on me on Christmas. I

mean, I'd be fine if you don't want to. Do you know what?

I would absolutely love that.

Oh, that's brilliant.

That is amazing.

We can cycle in together, we can talk music, we can... Sorry, I'm just getting

bit carried away. Get back to work, Gavin!

Straighteners. Straighteners, now. Who could straighteners before?

Somebody with curly hair.

Kevin Keegan.

No, I think it's for a woman who cares for her appearance, but it's a specific

present bought by someone who knows her well.

Sue, for Linda. Oh, you are good at this. Psychological profiling. It's a

I'm like that cracker. Christmas cracker.

If you will. I can spot a tiny psychological flaw in someone and break

completely.

Used to do it all the time with my kids.

Next up.

What are you wearing to the party?

I've been to Dottie P's.

Me too.

Splashed out by once a little blackened bed number.

What? Has it got my flowers on it? Yeah, have you seen it?

Er, yeah. I've bought it as well.

I'm going to have a full -blown meltdown.

I'm going to go out and get something else now.

How could you be so selfish, Sue?

What's the big deal?

Well, I have to look amazing.

I don't know why you're bothering me. You'll only cop off with Neville. I

that.

You can't cut in. I'm only buying a bottle of Baileys.

Aren't you going to stop him?

Sir, if you just... Ian, don't you think you should help Shai?

He seems to have it under control.

Ian, you're security.

Fine. No,

I didn't mean... What?

Okay, sir.

Alan, I have to ask you to move to the back of the queue.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Christmas bastard Eve. I've got four screaming kids in the car out there. I

ain't going anywhere, mate.

Hard way it is, then.

Are you serious?

What are you going to do?

You're coming with me. No, I'll follow you. No!

Please don't!

Please don't go!

OK,

nothing to see here.

Ooh, a mirror.

Oh, smashed to pieces.

Seven years bad luck.

Neville. Next.

Oh, that's a big one.

Oh, who would want that piece of... Oh, Brian.

Love, Margaret.

Oh, you look disappointed.

What, is it because the surprise is ruined?

Yes. Yes, that's it.

Oh. Oh, good, because I thought you didn't like it.

Oh, who could not like that?

Hello, boss.

Oh, look at that, eh?

Money just flying through the tills. Look at it.

All ready to go to the cash office.

Bagged up.

Completely untraceable.

Sorry?

Nothing.

Nothing?

What? Don't work here.

Oh,

how many of them have you had? Eight.

You're not even in double figures.

Do you want tonight to be special or not?

Give me a hug.

There we go.

Oh, I can't wait for the party.

Wild Lisa is coming out.

I love wild Lisa.

I've not seen her since... It must have been that Kristen when she got her baps

out. What can I say? She likes to party. She does like to party. Oh, I've

already got a send -all text ready for tomorrow.

Here you go.

I'm sorry I did what I did to you slash your boyfriend slash husband.

Baby, that was so thoughtful.

Oh, no.

Bloody hell.

I thought you were getting a new dress.

Well, I needed a selection.

Don't worry, they're all going back boxing day.

Well, let me guess, you need someone to help you get ready and choose an outfit.

Yep.

Right, Tim. Hiya. Going to the party later?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

He still fancies me.

Shame I've already got a man.

Is Neville really a man, though?

Oh, this sort of debate again. Look, I've still got one testicle. I still

much consider myself a man.

Ladies and gentlemen, the store will be closing in five minutes. Thank you.

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Three,

was it?

Four, it was.

Oh, it was four, thank you. Thank you, Charlie.

Merry Christmas.

And we are closed!

Any news?

What are they taking?

Yes, they should be through any minute. Can you please just calm down, please,

everyone? Literally couldn't give less of a shit.

They've come through.

I'm afraid that we didn't beat the 2008 Tay Kicks. We absolutely smashed it!

152 ,000 pounds and 18 pence!

You beauty!

We did it, mate! Well done!

This calls for a party!

Oh,

I've forgotten something.

I'll see you later.

Let's go, boys.

We are actually disabled.

Why not disabled?

Front entrance disabled.

Shit.

Well, what do you reckon?

I like it.

What's wrong with it? Nothing. It's nice.

Nice? Not wearing nice?

Do you mind? I'm in my pants.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

What? When? Look, Ian...

I'm trying to get changed with this secret Santa.

I hope what you're coming for is really important.

I'll cut to the chase, Gavin. I failed to protect the store.

Something I swore to do on oath on my first day. Yeah, as I said, you don't

really need to take an oath, do you remember?

Today that oath was broken.

I'm standing down.

Don't you think you're overreacting? My mind's made up.

Yeah, well, what are you going to do?

Because I'm scared!

Sorry, I thought you were going to ask me why I was leaving, and I was going to

say, because I'm scared.

I want you to have my badge. I really think you should sleep on it.

And my baton. You're not supposed to have a baton. And my pepper spray. Yeah,

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Bye, Gavin. I'm going to take one last floor walk for old time's sake.

And now my watch is ended.

New parents are always the first to get wasted.

That's nothing for them.

She's still got her top on.

Right, we need more white wine over here. I need somebody on the punch. And

sorry, people. We've got to do better than two flavours of crisp. Come on.

You two, dance.

Katie, look like you're having fun.

No, more fun. Bigger.

Bigger still.

Come on, everybody.

Hey, games. It's Christmas Eve.

Would you like to dance, Tim? I think I'll just go and see what tunes the DJ's

got.

Right, gentlemen, it's time.

I'll keep everything together here. Baz, you slip away, go and find the manager.

Take him to the cash office, get him to open up. Do whatever you've got to do.

I'll join you in 30.

Time to go to work.

Oh, God.

I wish I slipped this like a dildo.

Come to papa.

I'm having a wee, I'm having a wee. Oh, what can it be? I'm having a wee. I'm

feeling grand, I'm feeling grand, I'm feeling grand. I'm washing my hands,

filled a tea.

Ho,

ho, ho.

What do you reckon?

Brilliant, amazing, stunning.

How can we go to the bloody party?

Yeah, of course.

Once I've done my make -up, will you give us an hand? Oh, fine.

Don't do it like you're a cop. No offence.

Oh, non -bloody taken.

We're here.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Put the code in. I don't know the security code. You're the manager.

I'll say it again.

Put the code in. I'm not the manager.

OK, hard way it is.

I knew you were real.

Oh, no.

No, no. Don't lose me, Gavin.

Wow. I didn't see that coming.

No. Listen, Shia, what are you doing? Oh, there was some trouble at the till.

There was a customer and he started chasing me, so I'm just hiding here till

it's over. But the store had closed an hour ago.

Yeah, well, I'll just stay the night just to be safe.

Why are you barefoot? Oh, well, the shoes that this costume came with were

8. I mean, they're practically clown shoes.

Anyway, look, you can't stay here all night. Oh, no, look.

I've got an idea.

Secret Santa might need a secret elf to help him. Yeah, that sounds really

creepy.

I got you a drink, Tim.

What? It's not drugs.

What? I don't work here.

This is a joke, right?

I bet you've got me a present. You're just going to give it me tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

I don't think we'll see each other tomorrow.

Well, yeah. I thought I'd be seeing my boyfriend on Christmas Day.

No, we're not that serious, are we?

Obviously not.

Trouble with Katie? It's fine.

Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Danny boy, Dandel D. Trust me, it's not fine.

Katie's upset.

She feels afraid.

Know why?

Yep.

Festivalisophobia.

An acute fear of Christmas. It's as plain as her nose.

Oh, Katie likes Christmas.

We're going to have to help her through this. It's a lot like dog training.

We make her associate Christmas with good things. You show her some tinsel,

you give her a treat. It's Katie's favourite meat snack.

I'm going to go get a beer.

Good. Get me one too. Then we can get cracking on my unique 12 -week training

programme.

I can feel it staring at me.

You looking at your present again. I knew you'd love it.

Something's up. We should be in by now. Right, you stay here. Keep the party

going. Me and Carl will go check it out. And keep it loud.

It might get noisy.

Goodbye, fire extinguisher.

Goodbye, Valco tree.

Sorry.

I just can't keep you safe anymore.

You're cold.

I can't.

You're a hard one, I'll give you that. I mean, not many could take a beating

like this.

It's an interesting story, actually. I've got a lot of damaged nerve endings

to a medical trial gone wrong. It means I've got a very high pain threshold.

Have you said that?

I'm rather hoping I'll black out soon.

You're going.

Think, Ian.

The store's under real threat now.

Do you fight or run away?

No more, no more. Oi! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get the manager to talk, except he thinks he's some kind of hero.

That's not the manager.

Isn't he?

Oh, I thought you'd remember.

Met him before in the canteen. Yeah, I did try and explain.

I know you.

It's Neville, innit? I mugged you a few years ago on the ice street. Oh, yes.

Yeah, that's how I recognise those eyes.

How are you doing? Yeah, fairly good, thanks.

Oh, well, you must be doing well.

Mugger up to armed robber. Will you all shut up?

If Gavin is not here, and he's not at the party, he must be out there.

Oh, Gavin Strong, I always knew you'd be a thorn in my side.

Time for plan B.

Right. What's plan B? I emailed it to you. When? Yesterday.

Why could it... I didn't. Check your junk.

Oh, yeah. Here it is. I'll call plan dot doc.

I can't open it. Yeah, I too have converted to a PDF file.

Right. Who most of the jobs they send the plan through is a PDF.

Just saying.

I still don't get how you do it all in one night.

Yeah, again, shite. Not actually Santa.

Not Ian.

No, what is it?

What? What's that, Ian?

Someone's trapped.

In the old dairy?

Bad!

Rob!

Who's Rob?

Oh, not Rob from the bakery. What's he done this time? Not another gingerbread

adult toy.

The store's being robbed!

Everybody get down!

Not like that!

Get on the floor. This is a robbery.

Do as I say, and no one will be harmed.

Yeah? What happens if you don't, mate?

It'll turn nasty.

Bloody hell. No, it's not what you think.

Think! Think of the taser. Thank God for that. Shame. I would have been up for a

bit of nasty.

My associate here will be going round with this bag.

Place your mobile phones inside that bag.

And then sit on the floor. What about the party?

You can't stop the party. It's Christmas.

Christmas is cancelled.

Obviously, I could have overpowered him, but we don't know how many of them

there are. That's why I decided on a tactical retreat.

Is that the bit where you ran away?

Tactically, yes. You did the right thing, Ian. No sense in being a hero.

Did you call the police?

I don't bring my phone to work. It'd be a distraction on the job. Why are you

wearing a phone holster? It's for my bounty.

OK, well...

My phone's in the office, in my work slacks. Shy?

Oh, I don't have a phone anymore.

Colin borrowed it last month and he said he deserved it more than I did. OK,

well, I just need to get out of this building and alert the police. Front

are out of action. To the reindeer!

Loading bay doors!

Right. Done.

What the actual... What? You said you didn't want it done like mine.

You're dead. Oh, come on, it's just a bit of fun. Fun? Does it look like I'm

laughing? Yeah!

Oh,

look, the wires have been caught.

There might be a chance I could fix that. We can just get into the wiring

above the unit.

OK, new plan, then. You two stay here and work on that, and I'll go up to my

office and call the police.

This is a store announcement.

Could Gavin Strong come to the canteen, please?

Tim? Is that you?

Listen, I need your help. The store's being robbed.

I know it is, Gavin, because I'm the one robbing it.

What? You? How? I thought we were friends.

I know.

I'm surprised you fell for that one so easily.

See, I have all your staff here, and it would be a shame if anything were to

happen to them.

Especially the lovely Cheryl. You bitch!

Gavin! Oh, Cheryl!

You've got to stop him, Gavin. You can take him.

Oh, also, have you set the skybox for love, actually?

Oh, yes, yes, I did, but the ending clashed with the Christmas bake -off,

No! No! Enough of this! I'm holding all the cards here, Gavin. If you don't meet

my demands, I'll have to start hurting hostages.

Starting with... Eenie... Meenie... Miney... You.

Me? Again?

Oh, thank God.

Never. You'll never get away with this.

But I will.

See, I've cut the phone line.

Disable the emergency channels and have full access to the in -store CCTV.

Tick -tock. Gavin Strong.

There's no way you'll get from here to your office and call the police without

being seen on CCTV.

There is one way. What is it? Is it the reindeer?

No.

Step up and be that hero.

Hey.

Can't say much more of this.

I am away from my baby. This isn't fair.

Stay strong, Mika. You'll be with your baby soon.

What? No, I'm not bothered about that.

It's just we've got a babysitter.

I should be hammered by now.

Bigger problems here? You don't understand the bond between a new mum

night out on the pitch.

Special.

Look, there's a perfectly good explanation for how I was being a dick

Excuse me. I know you said that there was no talking and he's talking to me.

Shut it. Will you get this?

Really does look like a dildo, you know. Can everyone stop having a go?

It's all I had. Where the hell is Gavin?

Baz, get out there and find him.

He's got to be somewhere.

Don't worry, Cheryl.

I'm coming for you.

I'm coming.

Mighty Mountain Kitchen Foil.

I haven't seen that for years.

I've had enough of this.

Oh, I don't know. I think it's fun.

Fun? Well, of all these Christmas games, charades, wink murder,

robbery.

This isn't a game, Margaret.

We're actually being robbed.

Who? Don't worry. I'm going to get us out of here.

See the DJ one?

He's the weakest link in the pack. I'm going to get inside his mind and turn

against the others.

Oh, you meant to stay sat down.

Yeah, a touch of cramp. I just need to stretch them out.

René Rapide.

Yeah, go on then.

So, Wayne, this is tough, eh?

Everyone here thinks you're a bad guy, but... I know why you're doing it.

You've got something to prove.

Well, trust me, I know all about family pressure.

The expectations.

You should run while you still can.

Take it from someone with 20 years managerial experience. You're taking on

much, Tim.

You should be delegating to your staff more.

What do you mean?

Well, if you had each member of your team specialising in just one particular

area, none of this would be happening. At the moment, you're all chasing the

same ball.

I see what you mean, yeah.

I've had enough of these games, Gavin.

Oh, I don't... I don't know.

I quite like games. Still good.

Although you're in the warehouse.

Oh, the warehouse, eh?

Our survey says... Do you want to have another try, Tim? We will

find you.

Well,

if you find me, Tim, I'll give you the money myself.

It's actually quite fun, this.

Don't worry, Cheryl.

Staples.

Hope you're having a better day than I am, Vernon.

What have we here?

Righty. So... Sorry, may I? Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you. So, you have a bat on

muscle. Right.

Wayne, communication.

And that leaves you free to deal with strategy.

It makes so much sense.

I'm just a baker.

I've had too much to drink at the Christmas party and decided to take your

trousers off and just defecate all over the manager's desk.

Happens more often than you think.

So... You're not the manager.

Do I look like the manager?

Kind of.

Yeah.

Also, you've got to work on your briefing, whether you're running a

or robbing a supermarket.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

Thanks. Excuse me.

Brilliant.

Yeah. Take him up to the cash office.

Get him to open up.

Yeah, and we'll join you.

Carl, step away from the nibbles and go and help.

See you.

Seems like Gavin is not as good at hide and seek as we thought.

Why were they never proud of me?

They pressured me. Be a doctor, be a doctor. You're nothing unless you're a

doctor. What happened to letting a child be a child?

I wanted to be a dinosaur.

Here, Brian, have a tissue.

And stop being silly.

Oh, you've got a very nice face.

Much too nice to be a criminal.

Thanks.

My mother always said I had a nice face.

Before she died.

And she wouldn't want you doing all this, would she?

No.

No, she wouldn't.

Come on, it was like a stone with me.

Right, babes. I'm sorry.

I'm sobering up, Lacey.

No.

Please put the party back on. If he doesn't have some boo soon, he's going

sober. I don't think he can last much longer.

No party.

You heartless bastards.

We're going to get through this. I need you to keep thinking about the future.

I don't know, man.

We are. You and me, when this is all finished, we're going to be shit -faced.

But I need you to stay with me, Colin.

Colin!

Colin! No!

Right, you bastards.

You just messed with a new mum.

Gavin should have called the police by now. Something's wrong.

I think if I just... Bingo!

You piece of shire!

Let's go get the police!

Hugo, I'm fed up of running.

Some people are trying to take down my supermarket.

I can't let that happen. Is it also because you're still tired from all that

running earlier?

A little bit of that too, young shy. A little bit of that too.

You go and get help.

I've got a robbery to stop.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit being a security guard.

You'll never get away with it.

Merry Christmas.

We're busy.

Jesus!

Well, it looks like this threat's been extinguished.

Yeah, now, quick, don't time it, and call the police. We've got a party to

It was good what I said, wasn't it, Gavin?

Extinguished. You know, because of the fire extinguisher, Gavin.

Very good, Ian.

I mean, you might have the money, but if your escape plan's as good as your

robbery plan, you're just going to get caught.

So what I suggest... Lisa, what are you doing?

Don't do it.

Maybe the two of you could swap over there and...

Why don't we just blue sky some escape route, actually, while we're here? I

mean, we could try the old scatter strategy, where you all go in different

directions, making it more difficult for the police to actually target one

individual person.

Or you could go round the back of the store in a sort of corkscrew movement,

round the back of the store, right in the back.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'm bad, baby.

Drink. Come on, we can drink.

I don't... Don't you go napping on me.

Lisa, you could have just got Tim and ended the robbery.

What? I don't even work here.

Come on.

Not too late for the party, am I? Kathy,

you look like an action hero.

He looks like Billy Elliot.

What the fudge?

What the fudge indeed, Tim. Sorry I took so long. I was on the phone to the

police. They'll be here any minute.

This isn't over. I've got hostages, and that's leverage.

Wayne, tie them all up.

Nobody's going anywhere.

But the police.

Do it!

You don't need to do this, Wayne. Think what your mother would have said.

I can't.

You're on your own.

Well done, Margaret.

It was a team effort. I did the emotional groundwork, weakened him.

I'm still in charge here.

I can deal with all these hostages.

It's over, Tim.

And to think I trusted you. You had to trust me for all this to work. I thought

we had something special.

The cycling?

Music? I faked it all.

And another thing.

My name's not Tim.

It's Tom!

We had nothing, Gavin.

Nothing. And you can't talk me out of this. I'm not trying to talk you out of

anything. I'm trying to keep you talking just long enough so you don't notice

when Ian... Now!

Get him! Go on!

The plan we made to put the stairs... Go on!

Oh!

I wasn't really listening.

Great plan, Gavin. Looks like you failed to prepare.

So prepare to fail.

Gavin, you've got blood on you. Is it yours?

Yes, some of it is, baby.

I feel I'm having a bit of a funny turn here. I might have fit down.

Wait, look, he's getting up. But don't worry, this vase will stop him.

OK, now, may I suggest that while we're waiting for the police, we have a little

party!

Leave. I think I'm being gay.

Yeah, you are.

Everything's going to be all right.

I actually quite like it. Yeah.

See ya.

Who's that?

I don't know.

You see, you're asking me for a statement, but he's already taken one,

think what we need to do is sit down and talk about workplace communication

hierarchy. Another time.

You're off the clock, Adaria manager, and you're on the clock as my fiancée.

your poor head.

It's OK, it's just a bit of blood.

Well, maybe I should take you home with me as soon as it's some birthday.

You're rather like that.

So, just to clarify, we're not talking about actual birthdays, are we?

Right, yeah, bye, everyone. Merry Christmas. Bye.

Come on, Sharon.

Come on.

Baz, you were supposed to be on muscle.

I'll wait for you.

Please don't.

Oh, it's all right.

It's OK.

Oh, you look nice.

Where have you been?

I've been getting ready.

Did you get ready for it? Well, quite a bit, actually, yes.

Oh, well, you can tell me about it later. Let's have a dance. Oh, careful,

darling. I'm fairly certain I've punctured a lung.

No, that's not it. That's my chair.

Right, I know I've been really annoying today, but there's a reason for it. I

got you something.

What? A present.

I fixed the Secret Santa so I could get you a surprise.

What? What is it?

I think you're going to like it.

A fidget spinner.

What? No.

Wait, that's supposed to be for Harry.

He's cocked the Secret Santa right up, Brian.

Psychologically speaking, I've improved it.

You've all got perfectly tailored presents.

So what did you actually get me?

I know that I'm leaving Balco, but I want us to be closer than ever. Will you

move in with me? Love you. Daniel!

Yes. Yes.

A thousand times yes.

Oh, God. I should warn you that I'm on the rebound from Tim, so things might

a bit crazy.

All right, emergency first aid coming through.

Let's go home and make an action movie of our own. Just to clarify, we are

actually going to have intercourse. We're not making a film.

Oh, thank

you.

Shall we go back to ours?

Yeah, that would be nice.

I think we're going to have to lose Heather first.

I'm sorry your vase got smashed, Brian.

Oh, me too. I loved it too. But everyone's all right. That's what

I had another one made just in case. I'll bring it round tomorrow.

Great. Oh, you could keep it. Oh, no, I ain't nothing.