Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale, loads of total ones.

The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

Now 24 hours a day. Service with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help.

Roger that.

Tick.

Am I getting paid for this? Valco!

Serves you right.

So, are you going to Cheryl and Gavin's wedding?

I'm providing security.

Do weddings have security guards?

It's my gift to them. They've asked me not to, but I've read between the lines.

Oh.

So, if, hypothetically, someone, I don't know who, stood up and said, Don't do

it, Gavin!

I love you!

Marry me! She's poison!

What would you do?

I'd have to take them out.

Kill them?

No, no, no. Take them out of the registry office.

Oh.

And kill them.

Ah, Lou, I was hoping to catch you.

I was not stealing.

What? Only toothpaste.

No, look, I just wanted to say sorry again about this whole... this whole

thing. Oh, nothing, honestly.

And anyway, I'm not even fired. Cheryl just said I needed to work my notice

period.

That means you're fired.

Oh, I thought it was that, you know, we're going to notice you for a few

No.

Well...

I'm going to go and get another job.

I think I might be a dentist this time.

How is it with Cheryl?

Is she talking to you again? Oh, not really. I mean, there's eye contact

though, so... They were both fine.

Now, I'm not saying you'll definitely be blind within the week, but mind how you

go. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bryan.

I woke up early.

Morning, Margaret.

Good weekend?

Yes. We went out for dinner yesterday.

There's a new Chinese restaurant open just down the road.

Oh, what did you have?

Roast beef and Yorkshire pud.

At a Chinese?

Oh, no, we didn't go to Chinese.

Well, why did you tell me about it, then? Because I thought you'd like to

Oh, no, we don't like Chinese. It makes my Alan's eyes all bulge. Tell me about

your wild weekend later. I need your help. I've been working on my speech for

the wedding.

Oh, you speak lovely, Dr. Bryan, just because they all said that you're whiny.

I'm not whiny.

I'm not whiny.

I mean my best man speech.

Has Gavin asked you to be his best man? No, but who else would he choose?

Well, family, friends, neighbours.

Somebody he likes. A sister.

No, I'm the obvious choice.

Tell me more about the carvery.

Guess what I had. Same as you have every week. Beef?

Duck. Roast duck.

Noodles and chow mein.

Hang on.

Oh, no.

No, Alan had duck. Oh, I had beef. Beef.

Thank you.

Right now, have a good weekend.

Oh, absolutely smashing. Thank you, Linda.

Meg had a money -off voucher for a romantic boat trip.

How was it?

Have you seen Captain Phillips?

Still, all got ironed out in the end. I should go near a boat after I've had a

low date that time.

Oh, yes.

Wasn't it amazing all those seagulls decided to attack her?

When she was like, my eyes, my eyes!

Right, I like... No, no, I'm concerned.

No, it's all right. Let her go.

Seriously. Oi, Katie!

Me and Lise, we bought Gavin and Cheryl a wedding present. Did either of them

smoke? No.

Oh, God.

We'll keep them, then.

Do you know what? I'm pretty excited for the wedding, though, man. It's going to

be, like, short. Short, hang on. What's that?

No, I love the hen do, me.

Hey, where's Cheryl's? It's not Blackpool, is it? I'm not allowed there

tag. I don't think she's having one, and I don't think Gavin's having a stag,

either. What?

Cheryl's got to have a hen do. Last fling before the ring. It's not cheating

you shag someone on a hen.

It is, Lise.

Really? Yeah.

Oops. If they don't want a hen and a stag, then we can't force them to have

You know what?

Katie's right, ma 'am. We should force them. I never said that. Good thinking,

Katie. Hey, and don't worry.

Falco's paying.

Oh!

Serves us nice.

Guys.

Oh, Cheryl.

Oh, thank God.

I've missed you.

I'm so sorry I've messed up. This is not a social call, Mrs Strong. I'm here to

hire a new night manager.

Oh. Well.

At least it's good we're talking. I shouldn't have to do it myself, but my

lying, dishonest, lying... No, you've used lying twice there. I'm sorry.

don't interrupt me.

My lying, dishonest boyfriend deliberately cocked it up last time and

worst possible person, and he can't be trusted.

Boyfriend? Surely you mean fiancé.

I suppose it might be too soon for talking.

Harry, oh, my God, it's amazing.

Colin, we're invited tonight.

It's a stag do.

Stag. Stag. Stag. Stag. Stag. It's my duty as best man to give

Gavin the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. And then he'll be

Cheryl the most uncomfortable five minutes of her life tonight.

Why's that?

Well, it's a joke. You know, about the wedding night in the bedroom.

Gavin's got an uncomfortable bed.

No, no, no.

It's a bit of blue.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. I won't hear blue.

It's the best man speech.

I don't care.

I'm not having blue.

I'm the same with my Alan. He told me a blue joke last month, and I locked him

out the house. You locked him out the house? Yes, I told him, if you want to

blue, you can be blue in the garden.

How long was he out there? Three days. It was a very blue joke.

And I'm not having you.

Upstage, Gavin's wedding with Blue.

So, take it out. OK, OK.

Oh, um, what about that bit?

Oh!

It's a minefield for customers.

Excuse me.

Um, Cheryl, I know things aren't ideal at the minute, but I was hoping we could

talk about the seating plan for the big day. I haven't got time.

I'm happy to take the lead. I really don't mind. I love you!

You all right, Gavin?

No, not really, no. Is it wedding nerves?

Are you thinking, she was a bitch, and you hate her anyway, and the real future

Mrs. Strong's been under your nose all along?

I'm so sorry, Heather. I was miles away there.

Actually, can you come to my office, please?

There's something I need to do.

Right!

Planning committee.

There is no such thing as a bad idea.

Unless it's Neville's idea.

So, let's hear what you got. I'm going to get the ball rolling here. I'm going

to go with the oldest tradition in a thag book.

Shave his pubes off.

We're not doing that. It's tradition, so... We need to do something that they

both like.

Do something romantic.

No offence, Katie, but you're single. You don't really get what it's all

I'm not single. I go out with Daniel.

Well, how come none of us have ever met this Daniel? You have met Daniel. You

was working with him for two years.

Right, OK, yeah, let's get back to the ideas board.

Two words, ladyboys.

Are there any in Warrington? Take it from someone recently on the single

there are a lot more than you'd think.

Now, we need some Cheryl ideas, some sort of prank, like, ooh, smash a car

We didn't do lap dancers, lap dancers. Oh, yeah. You can't get Gavin a lap

dancer. He goes red when you just give him a hug. He'll explode.

I don't see you coming up with anything better. Why don't you? Shut up and I'll

come and shut you up. Shut up and I'll shut you up.

What are you doing?

Trying to get your attention.

You were expecting a robot board.

Look, you guys are out of your depth.

I've organised stag and hen do's before in the forces.

Were you in the army?

The navy.

Had to leave. I was too effective.

Also, I don't trust water.

Colin is right. We need a stripper.

Thank you.

And I've booked the best.

Found him on the dark web. His name's Tustin. He's from Hamburg.

And he does everything.

I mean everything.

This is not a good idea.

Too late, Kit Kat. He's airborne.

Estimated arrival time, 1700 hours.

Also, I'm not taking advice on good ideas from the woman with an imaginary

boyfriend. Yeah, she's got a point there.

Daniel is real!

What are you doing?

I'll do whatever you want me to do.

Just turn the lights back on for me, please, Heather.

I need you to take down a letter.

To head off it.

A letter of resignation.

How'd you get on at the printer?

Hilarious fag T -shirts. Done.

And I managed to get it half price because I said Gavin was dying.

Oh, nice one.

Punch me, I'm a twat.

It's clever and it's interactive because when you wear it, people can punch you.

Watch.

It's subtle. It's not like normal fag T -shirts.

Bad news, guys.

Our strippers have been detained at immigration.

And the things he had in his carry -on were deemed too sexual for the British

Isles. Would have proved.

It's a shame, because he really is the best.

Anyway, I have to find another stripper.

Katie, you can be standing.

I'm definitely not stripping. You probably won't come to that, but I

doing my job properly if I didn't tell you there's a chance.

You're not doing your job properly.

You're supposed to be a security guard, OK? So no more strippers and no T

-shirts. I am taking charge of the planning from now on.

It's no wonder you're still single.

And for those...

18 reasons, and for sub -reasons, I strongly urge that you accept my

resignation and reinstate Lou Chettle. Also, Cheryl Fairweather,

my lover, knew nothing of my actions.

I regret that I have failed to serve you right.

Forever Valco's Gavin Leslie Strong.

So, please, raise your glasses to the bride and groom.

14 minutes, 21 seconds.

Still a tiny bit long.

Do you need that bit about beating your wife at bowling?

She put you up to this? Of course I need that bit. It's vital colour about

married life. I destroyed her!

No, I'll just take out all the stuff about Cheryl. Everyone there will know

anyway.

Are you really sure we need protection?

Me and you on a stag dip.

There's going to be loads of fit birds. And with the chat on us, they're not

going to be able to resist.

True. We do have weapons -grade banter.

BMD, my friend. Banter and mass destruction.

Yeah, of course we're going to need protection.

I just hope that's enough.

Everyone's going to have a plus one for the wedding.

I'll be right billing all mates.

Do you want to stop feeling sorry for yourself?

You did just dump a really, really fit bloke. I don't want to be with Craig.

I want a bloke who likes me.

He worships me like a queen who wakes up every... No, no, no.

What? You don't like Neville.

Oh, no.

You just rid yourself of him. I can't help it. I miss him. He's moved on. He's

happy now. Yeah, but isn't my happiness more important than his?

Look, I like Neville, but you've just thrown away a steak, and now you want to

go back to a burger, the world's shittiest burger, in a crappy bun with,

dog meat in it.

Yeah, but look at him. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

Hi. Where's Gavin?

I don't know. Is this important, Lou?

I just wanted to drop off your wedding present.

You really didn't have to.

Oh, yeah, I know. Don't worry.

Only got to pry, though. I just, you know, wanted to give you something.

all.

I'm surprised you don't hate us. I mean, I fired you and Gavin hired you to

deliberately fail.

Are you kidding me? Gavin is the best boss ever.

He lied to you?

Oh, that's nothing people know all the time. Yeah, he lied to me, his fiancée.

Yeah, it doesn't even count.

The point is that Gavin, yeah, he messed up, but he could have sacked me. I

mean, that would have been a lot easier, but instead he risked everything to

keep me on.

He's always been stubborn. He's the only person who has ever said to me, I think

you can do this, Lou, and not, what did you do, Lou?

And you ruined this charity shop, Lou.

You know, and besides, he's actually, he's made me better at the job. You

the takings are much better.

Are they? Yeah, and that's thanks to Gavin teaching me how it all works. See?

Figures really are better.

Gavin also taught me about staggering breaks.

See, I was shutting the store for two hours every night just to give the staff

break. You were shutting the store for two hours every night? I know.

It seems like the obvious thing to do, but it turns out it's not. These are all

right figures.

Thanks to Gavin. I mean, you even had a rock on.

What?

Do you mean I'm not the worst?

I've never been not the worst in my entire life.

Wait, does this mean that I am the best nap manager in the whole entire region?

No, definitely not.

How long before... that you put them on?

You're such a newbie to this. Everyone knows you should put them on an hour

before.

Right.

Approval needed.

Please wait.

Oh, dear.

What's it this time?

The assistant is coming.

Approval needed.

Cheryl, I want to tell you something. Can I just stop you there? I think it's

only right for you to know that I've just hired a new night manager.

Oh. Oh, have you? Oh, thank you. Who is it? Not that tearaway Gavin Yang.

No. Her name is Lou Chettle.

You can't. Head office ordered you to fire her. Yeah, well...

important than head office orders, like keeping the right people on. Well,

that's all very well, but Lou's a disaster.

Yeah, but she's had a real turnaround, all thanks to you. I mean, she's gone

from being a complete disaster to just a little bit crap.

And tapings -wise, Warrington's doing fine now.

How? Well, it turned out she'd be shutting the store for two hours every

Kings of Leon!

I know, but then her caring boss stepped in when others would have fired her and

taught her how to do the job properly.

Well, we can't give up on our staff, can we?

We're family.

I should be furious with you, Gavin Strong.

What you did was devious.

It was underhand. But even when you're trying to do something terrible, you

about your staff so much that you can't do it properly.

And that's the man I want to marry.

Oh, no.

Now the letter.

Letter? I've just sent to head office the letter of resignation.

What? Why?

Well, I was just trying to fix everything. You weren't talking to me.

old Lucy had been fired. And I thought I'd better do the noble thing. Oh, no.

I've just sent Lou off with the post.

What?

Oh, no. Lou. Lou. Where's the post?

My letter.

OK. Don't worry. Oh, thank goodness.

I have posted it already.

Oh, what?

Oh, no.

Oh, that's it. I've finished 20 years of Valco down the drain.

No, no, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we can intercept it when the postman comes to

collect. Why don't you just go and pick it out now? I mean, you don't need to

lift the lid.

They're a tiny bit stinky inside, but... Lid? Stinky? Lou, where have you been

putting the post? I've been putting it in a red post bin at the end of the car

park. The one near the dog walk is where that man's putting that little plastic

bag in.

Yeah? Lou, have you been putting all Valco's post into the dog poo bin?

No, because that is... Yeah.

Brilliant.

Brilliant, idiot!

Well, I guess I taught you two a really important lesson about traffic. No, you

didn't. No, I didn't think so. Shall I go and get the post, then?

I'm just so glad things have worked out so right.

Think again.

Like a savage.

How do you fancy being part of the most disgusting, most depraved stag and hen

news Warrington has ever seen?

Can I change my shoes? What we planned is so off the scale that it'll make an

orgy look like a kid's tea party. And then Katie gets hold of it and becomes a

massive boring pain in the arse. So instead, welcome to your Valco themed

and hen do.

Woofie.

the old font from the mid -90s Falco signage. Yep, I thought you'd like that.

So, everybody get into your teams. It's girl versus boys and it's the Falco

quiz. Oh, you're going down.

You first, Fairweather.

Yes, Cheryl.

Leave them alone.

Gavin Strong.

It's me.

I just wanted to let you know you don't need to worry. My speech is a cracker.

All right.

Sorry, what on earth are you talking about?

My best man speech.

You haven't forgotten you're getting married, have you? No, no, but you're

my best man, are you? My friend Jerome from the cycling club.

Why would you choose him over me?

Because I know him personally and we are friends.

No, I tell you what, you go with Jeremy.

Jerome. You have my consent.

Well, I absolutely don't need that, but thank you, Brian. And since I'm not

doing the speech, I'll just do the song.

So we've not got any protection, so we're just going to have to try not to

laid. But look at us. We're bound to get laid.

I know. I know it'll be difficult.

The birds are going to be all over us, but we can't go all the way with them,

yeah? Right.

Stag time.

Let's do this. Watch out, birds.

Incoming legends.

Stag, stag, stag, stag, stag, stag. Right, next question is, in what year

Balco Warrington officially opened?

I just need to do a quick search, James. Next one.

What range?

Next,

I need Cheryl and Gavin to put your blindfolds on.

Next round is feel the area manager.

I

like

your T -shirt.

Thanks, I like to work amazing buns from my clothes.

I get all my T -shirts from Next.

Don't tell my mum that, though. She'd totally think I'd still go to Marks and

Spencer. As if, Mum!

I'm going to tell him I want to go back together.

Don't do it. What if he says yes?

Ooh.

Bit of glass in there.

Yes.

Linda!

Romantic, this, isn't it? Oh, it certainly is.

You know, this is exactly the sort of occasion where previously I would have

made a complete wally of myself and proposed to you.

Yeah.

I want to thank you for breaking up with me.

Yeah, well, maybe I was being a bit hasty. I was very kind, but you don't

to give me the sympathy vote.

No, you breaking up with me was the best thing for both of us. If you hadn't,

I'd have never met Meg.

She really is super.

Yeah.

Um, no, we had something really special, and I think, uh... I hope

that you and Meg have something special, too.

Thanks, mate.

More glass.

Very thick brows.

Wait, I know those.

Is it Richard Flowers?

Yes, yes it is.

Oh, no, no, no.

Right, OK, enough, enough.

Do you know what? We pay for a babysitter. We're not wasting our money

boring shit.

No offence, Katie.

Yeah, quiz is over.

You're having a proper stagnant.

We're going to get you both wasted. Who's with me?

God, yes.

A shandy's can't hurt, surely.

Oh, what the ruddy heck. It's only a few drinks in the can, too.

Yeah, I mean, even with Colin and Lisa, I mean, how out of hand can it get?

Sarge!

Where are my pubes?