Original subtitles

Valco. Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Service with a smile.

From booze to biscuits.

Red hot tails.

Loads of total ones. The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Friendly staff. Always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way. Tick. Serves you

Valco.

Serves you right.

Don't forget our brilliant...

Merry Christmas, Ian.

I got you in the secret Santa.

Oh, thanks.

You know, secret Santa's supposed to be secret.

Yeah, I hardly think we need to worry about Santa finding out, though. No, I

mean... Oh, forget it.

Oh, wow, aftershave!

Really, you shouldn't have.

Oh, OK.

I just thought you'd want it because of, you know, the smell.

Right, it's an absolute mess out there. There are trolleys everywhere. Can you

clear the car park, please, sir? Yeah, you can do.

Wish me luck, you romantic scoundrel, you.

Good luck, you romantic scoundrel, you.

Colin? Yeah, man, I'd talk to mine as well.

How long have you been in there? About an hour, something like that. I like to

have a dump before the Christmas rush, because we're on time and half at the

minute, yeah? So every dump that I have is worth one and a half times more than

it is on any other day. It just makes it special, doesn't it, man? Yeah, maybe

you should get back to work. I know I can do. Second wave's coming, ka -ching!

Give it a flush next time. Can't promise anything, Gab.

Dan,

babe, why aren't you returning my calls?

Oh, that's not funny.

Except it really is. Close your eyes and hold out your hand.

Hello.

It's amazing.

Sorry, I've not got you anything.

Well, you'd better make it up to me later, hadn't you?

They're a nightmare, aren't they?

I've done loads. They keep coming up negative.

I don't get why it's so hard.

My mum had five kids when she was my age.

I'm sure you'll get there. I've got all the symptoms.

You should hear me on the bog. It's like a fruit machine being out.

And it's not like me and Colin aren't trying.

We're at it seven or eight times a day. Little Colin's looking like a burst

balloon.

And it's not that...

Yeah, but Gary, why is it always the Wigan branch that has this problem?

I did tell you that a live nativity was a bad idea.

Only in Wigan. I mean, how do you even lose a donkey?

He probably couldn't find that ass with his elbow.

Can I use that?

Anyway, you probably couldn't even find that ass with your elbow.

Not even a last name.

Look, just sort it out, Gary, you pit.

Wow.

That was formidable. I would not like to be on the end of one of your tongue

lashings. Well, that's your Christmas present out the window, then.

General Fairweather, you really are very naughty sometimes.

Speaking of presents, there's something very special that I'd like to ask you.

Oh, mysterious.

Before I met you, I was just like a little boat being tossed around on the

waves. But now, because of you...

I'm no longer being toffed. You know, I don't mind what you get up to when

you're on your own. I mean, you can watch anything on the internet. Go on,

yourself out. Oh, no, no, good grief. No, I didn't mean... Let me rephrase

You've steadied me, Cheryl.

And I think it's time for us to move on to the next step.

Gavin? I think it's time that two... ..became one.

Oh, just forget the music.

Cheryl Fairweather.

I would like you to have this.

It's a key.

Is it the key to your bike lock?

Not my bike lock.

Our bike lock.

Yep, great.

I knew you'd love it.

I'm sorry, there's just something... that I need to do it.

Do you remember when you used to say that you'd never, ever cop off with

again at Christmas?

Do you remember?

Which is weird, though, because now you... Yeah, well, do you remember

when you shat yourselves?

Oh, good point.

I still prefer that than winnowing Neville.

Yes, I am rather a Marmite taste. Sorry, just care to drop off Sue's card.

Oh, one for you, Ian.

Oh, ding dong, Merrily on Daniel.

How's everything out there? All the customers buzzing with Christmas cheer?

Yeah, there's only been one fight so far. Oh, that's nice.

Um, how did it go with Cheryl? Oh, perfectly.

She actually thought I just wanted to give her a key to my bike lock.

Should have seen her face.

Yeah, is, um...

Making her think you're not going to propose actually the best way to go

proposing. Cheryl is always running rings around me. I thought I might as

send her on a wild goose check for a change.

Is that how you proposed to Barbara?

No, no, no. Barbara proposed to me. Well, it was more like a command.

She woke me up in the middle of the night, told me we were getting married,

then went back to her bed.

Ding, dong, whip, do.

She picks in blankets as you're making Merry Christmas. It's not her.

Why isn't it working? Me and Lisa are just at it like rabbits.

Have you got any turkey crown?

Oh, I shall have to have a look out the back. No, no, no, Neville.

Trying to have a private chat with you here. You lot, go now. Really, Colin,

it's the busiest day of the year. Yeah, and I'm opening my heart for you here,

Neville. I'm sorry that you and Lisa aren't having any luck trying. What is

wrong with my swimmers? Why aren't you working? It just takes longer for some

men. How does a knobhead like you get to have a kid and I don't? I guess I'm

just a lucky guy.

Always have been.

Yes. Yeah, can I... Wait, Neville.

Your swimmers work.

Lisa needs a good swimmer in her pool.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, dive in, have a little breath stroke, we get a baby.

Are you suggesting I inseminate your girlfriend?

No! I'm just saying, shag her.

Oh, Brian, you're back again.

Like a bad penny. No, thank you.

No, I'm just popping in, thought I'd drop off a Christmas present for my

favourite Valco staff member.

Here you are, but don't open it until tomorrow.

Oh, oh, oh, Brian, oh, I love it.

A Christmas tree? On the counter?

Yes, that's Alan's idea.

You're Alan?

Margaret, a civilian messing with a pharmacy display counter is a capital

offence in some countries.

No, it's Alan, the new pharmacist.

Are my ears burning?

No.

Alan, this is Brian.

He was the pharmacist here, but now he's a radio star.

I don't know about that. Some of the shows are on webcam, so it's really more

radio and global television.

What are those certificates?

Just basic GPHC pharmacy qualifications.

Every pharmacist has them. You never have it. Margaret.

Excuse me.

Have you any good with moles? I've got a massive one on my back. So I've shown

the girl the tilts. She sent me here. All right. Pop your top on. Oh, no. You

should really go and see a doctor about that. I'm only a pharmacist.

Ooh, Christmas Day tomorrow. What, aren't we?

Me and my Alan, we're having it up all day. I'm doing that too, having it up

day. Except for the Queen's speech, obviously we'll turn it on for that.

I don't reckon Neville's up for it, but I reckon I could twist his arm. Oh,

Neville. He looks like me old R .E .T. So, mind you, I tagged him.

Oh, did you? I was.

Ryan, what's your spine like?

It's just I was wondering whether it was stronger than Neville's. I'd rather not

answer that, but definitely. I test it every week.

I like a Brian's well offering.

Maybe.

I've just met that new pharmacist, Alan.

What's all that about?

Oh, he's amazing, isn't he?

The man's a joke. Calls himself a pharmacist, won't even check moles. I

never performed a tracheotomy in his life.

I agree, the man's a fraud.

I think my waters are broken.

I think that's very unlikely.

You see, I'm a... Oh, my God, her waters are broken! Oh!

Shall we get a clean -up over here?

Oh, here,

you're comfortable, madam.

I'm not!

OK, OK, nothing to worry about.

Can we get you anything?

I'd love a tea.

Whoa. How does a baby come out of that?

I've called an ambulance on the way. Also, I've locked the bakers in the

You know, they're like grandpregnant women. Oh, yeah, good thinking.

I'll just go and tell Cheryl what's happening. Cheryl, I forgot to tell you.

She's gone home. She's really upset.

What? What? She's left work on Christmas Eve.

You don't think I went a little bit far with my bike lock stunt, do you? Yeah,

maybe. I really, really need to go and make sure she's okay. I can't leave with

all this going on. No, of course you can. I've got this cup of gold.

No more games. I'm going to make my Christmas Day proposal a day only.

I didn't know I'd give him birth yet.

You're doing really well. Just concentrate on the breathing.

Why don't you just take a picture?

Oh, would that be all right? It's just a little picture.

Yeah, still waiting on the ambulance.

What do you mean gridlocked? For Valco Warrington?

Car park cleared.

What the f... Where are all the cars?

You said you wanted it cleared.

I wanted it cleared of the trolleys, not the cars. Oh, you should have specified

that. No, I made all the cars get onto the main road. Why would I want all the

cars out of the car park on the busiest day of the year? It says there'll be

more parking spaces, duh.

Get out there and start letting the cars back in. I need to get an ambulance

through. Why did you make me move them then? It's a very odd decision.

Just go!

Imagine the ambulance.

You're stuck in traffic.

Too many cars these days. I think you should only have a car if you can pass a

test about driving.

There's no time, Margaret.

We're going to have to deliver this baby ourselves.

What? Oh, don't worry. You're in safe hands.

I've seen loads of one -born every minute and master chef.

Will you all keep calm? We have a baby to deliver.

Colin, get me some towels and some rubber gloves.

It's okay. I'm a fully trained pharmacist. You're standing on my...

Oh, sorry.

Where are the doubles?

I don't know. I don't work here.

You do?

Yeah, but I'm crap at my job.

OK, OK.

She says to check there's no loop of cord around the neck. There's no loop.

It says there's no loop.

She says, are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. I'm a trained professional.

Of course he's sure he's a trained professional.

She says you're just a pharmacist. Right, I've had enough of her. Hang up.

I'm hanging up. Love ya.

I couldn't find any towels.

I couldn't find any gloves.

I forgot a stocking.

Here we go, Laura.

This is it.

Just one big push.

What is going on?

They're back here.

Delivering that baby just taught me something, Margaret. I belong here.

I don't want to be on the radio. I want to be a pharmacist. Delivering babies,

saving lives with you by my side.

I thought you loved being on the radio.

Oh, no, it's awful.

All the listeners hate me. The other DJs bully me.

What? Even Crazy Chris and the Breakfast Bear? They're the worst.

Then come back to Volcom.

Come home.

I can't, Margaret.

Not now they've got... Perfect Alan.

No, I'm just going to go home. Go to bed.

I completely understand if you want to name him Brian.

No.

Bye, Margaret.

That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. And I've seen Colin's

from underneath.

We'd like to announce the birth in store of a healthy baby boy.

Also, we're now out of babies.

Look, there.

Oh, a Valko baby for Christmas.

It's kind of special.

Yeah, it would be more special if I didn't have Colin sick on my leg.

Are you going to the party later?

Yeah, I might do, why?

I was going to get you a drink.

It's a free bar.

Hey, cheap date, amazing.

So are you going?

Yeah, might do, if you're lucky.

Thank you, you have a good time. Mrs Wick.

Thank you. Amazing bit.

There you go.

I can't wait to go again.

Gavin,

you're dressed as a sailor. What?

Oh, yes, it was part of the proposal.

It's from an officer and a gentleman. It's Cheryl's second favourite film

Shrek. You didn't fancy dressing up as Shrek, then? I did look into it, but the

rental costs were extortionate.

Daniel!

I've lost her.

She's gone.

What do you mean she's gone?

Oh, she's packed her bags with her things and she's gone. She's even taken

toaster. Why?

She loves toast. That was her thing.

I've ruined everything. I've ruined... Stupid bike lock.

Why do I have to do everything the Hollywood way?

Come on, Gavin. Sitting around and moping isn't going to help. That's all

got now.

There's nothing more I've got left except to drink myself into a stupor.

Is that a cream soda?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, sir. You have a good one.

Oh, I think I forgot my pack store. Oh, too late. Sold out. All gone.

Bye.

And we are closed!

Birthday!

It was so good.

I never thought anything could put me off a woman's bit. I miss the birth of

two. I'd have loved to have been there.

Vanessa thought it might be a bit crowded with me and Mike.

Yeah, well, if that's what it takes to have a baby, then no way.

You're not trying anymore? Not a chance, Neville.

Oh, good, you decided to come.

No, no, I couldn't say goodbye. I'm heading home.

I'd really rather not be around people at the moment. They all remind me of

Cheryl.

Even you do.

Me? Same mischievous smile.

Oh. No, I'm sorry. I can't even look at you right now.

Right, everyone.

We know what we're doing, yeah?

Gavin Strong to aisle seven,

please. That's Gavin Strong to aisle seven.

Cheryl.

Cheryl, I thought you'd gone.

What's happening?

I may have had Daniel help me pull the wool over your eyes.

Oh, you scamp.

So you're not angry with me, then?

It was only pretend.

Then, Cheryl, there's something... There's something I need to ask you

And I thought it would be appropriate to do it here, where we first met, in

aisle seven.

Yoghurt!

Gavin Strong.

Will you marry me?

Of course I will.

I flippin' love you, Cheryl Fairweather. I flippin' love you, Gavin

Strong. Oh, what the hell. Well, we're all at it.

Linda, will you marry... Right you are. He sounds so beautiful.

You've got me going now.

Jesus, what's wrong with everyone?

I just feel so blessed right now.

Guess who's back?

Nathan. No, no, me.

No, I've got my old job back.

Mr. Perfect Alan turned out to be a dangerous lunatic. He only went and

two prescriptions. What kind of idiot mixes up prescriptions?

He might have had a helping hand.

Margaret, that's a very serious offence. Give other.

He got a man sacked. People could have died.

You can't die from the wrong medicine, you silly monkey.

celebration in it, so we can't celebrate you and Shezza getting hitched without

40 bottles of bubbly. Plus, I can drink again.

Absolutely not. Just take that back on the shop floor, please.

Go on, crack them open.

Live a little.

Okay!

I've only been engaged five minutes and already I'm acting like a fairweather.

Pick up the girl!

Now, we reckon we'll get a cat instead.

Or a PS4.

Oh, there's not going to be a little collie running around.

Probably a good thing.

No more pregnancy tests.

Oh, you're doing my head in. Seeing those two lines every time. I hate those

lines. Two lines? That means positive.

Nah. Does it?

Yeah. How long have you been getting two lines?

I don't know, like four months.

Congratulations, you're four months pregnant.

What, so I can't have a dream?

I'm back off the booze. Apparently I'm four months pregnant.

You're four months... You're pregnant.

You're pregnant.

My swimmers work.

My swimmers work.

Yes, I'm a real man.

We're having a baby.

how everyone cheered really loudly at the stuff and then not at that.

Brian.

Wasn't it weird? Wasn't it weird, Brian?

Brian.

Hey, you.

What are you doing out here, Billy No -Makes? I, um, had to grab something.

Here.

Wow. Then you went all the way to Falco.

Yeah, they do some really good gifts.

Oh, a can of lemonade?

A bag of crisps?

Oh, great.

Dogs Monthly. Oh, you haven't done it already, have you?

Are you deliberately trying to ruin your chance with me?

Oh, chances? What happened to my name's Katie and I don't do workplace

relationships? I do not sound like that. You do.

OK, well, yeah, I was probably being a bit of an idiot.

So are you saying you might be up for a workplace romance?

Maybe.

Why, do you think she's interested?

Are you deliberately trying to ruin your chances with me?

I don't even know what I was planning to propose, anyway.

Undone by your own commitment to admin.

I'm just so relieved that you didn't actually run away.

Did you really need to go so far in tricking me, you know? It was really

traumatising. My first plan was to pretend that I'd killed myself, but

thought that might be a bit too far.

Yes, well, that probably would have been.

Oh, my God.