Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red hot tails.

Load to two for one. The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

Serves us with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick. Valco!

Serves you right.

Now with that, it's pleasure foods.

Oh, two punctures I had on the way in. Two. I had a big fly in my eye. Well, I

wondered where you'd got to. I thought you might have slept in after our

shenanigans last night.

No, what shenanigans? I had a migraine and just wanted to be held.

No, I meant before that. You were magnificent.

All guilty as charged. I mean, your shuffle -hop step was sublime.

You know, Jeff talked to us real... It's terrific.

I've opened your eyes to lots of things, haven't I? Jab, tab, Bonnie Tyler,

lasagna. Oh, no, you're so right about lasagna. Flat pasta on a horizontal

lattice. I mean, what were they smoking when they came up with that?

You know, that's really got me thinking outside the box with healthy eating.

Ah, now, you might want to hold off on any more healthy eating orders for now.

Oh, really?

Why? I'm not sure how to tell you this, Fitzy.

If you don't get changed out of those shorts pronto, I won't be able to

myself. Well, you shall have to wait till tonight. I'll fair up the strong

cheddar to keep the migraines away.

Oh!

But until then... You're like a

young Fred Astaire!

And you're like, same age, Ginger Rogers.

And I looked at him and I said, don't tell me you forgot our anniversary

Oh, I didn't know you were married to Neville. How many times?

I'm not Linda, I'm Sue.

Oh, I'm sorry, love, I ain't got my glasses on.

What's my fault? It's that bloke in the Volvo.

I'm not saying it was your fault, my sweet, but you really should indicate

you go round corners.

I did.

Before you turn, not after.

What's all this? Don't ask.

Radio.

Neville's been teaching me how to drive and there's, like, loads of nutters out

there. What did that woman shout at me? Don't drive into my children.

Why do you like these people on the roads?

Rather you than me, Nev. I tried to teach Linda myself. It was a bloody

nightmare. You've had lessons before.

Yeah, but not many.

25.

25 times I put my life in her hands.

She's unfeachable. Er, maybe for you.

But Neville's not a quitter, are you? No, no.

Well, to be fair, the thought had crossed my mind. Right. Well, I'll go

strike then, shall I?

How about I refuse to cook for you until you help me pass my test?

To be honest, I do most of the cooking, so... I'm not doing any cleaning, then.

Again, it's mainly me.

Well, you're not getting any you -know -what. She's also something I tend to do

on my own, still.

Point taken. I shall see you in the car park at one.

Hello, Colin.

You're not on shift today, you know. I'm not paying you overtime, you know. I

don't want any money, Gavin.

At least not from Valco. If I want a tenner, I'll just get it off Neville.

I'm here because I want to work.

Oh, well, good for you. You know, that is exactly the kind of can -do spirit

that epitomises this whole healthy eating campaign.

Yeah, definitely.

What's healthy eating?

I'm going to pretend that that's a joke and finish my breakfast.

To be honest, Gav, I need a break from Lisa.

Do you know we've been trying for a baby?

Oh, lovely. Yeah, and we're, like, doing it all the time.

And at first, you're like, oh, well, this is just fantastic, even if that is

raw. But now, because she hasn't got pregnant yet, Gav, she wants to do it

and more often, and she wants to try every position.

Me talking doggy, wheelbarrow, propeller, the butter churner. I really

finish my breakfast. She just keeps ramming it down my throat and making me

swallow. You know, it's like, um, I don't know how to explain it. I have

completely lost my appetite.

Yes, exactly that.

When travelling on the motorway, should you post updates on A, Facebook, B,

Instagram, or C, both?

Erm... Both. Correct! You are so going to pass.

Here's one for you.

What's the stopping distance of a sales rep travelling at 6 miles an hour?

What? It's a trick question.

You cannot be stopped.

God, I admire you.

Here, have a sugar butter bite.

100 % real sugar.

Anyway, you don't need driving lessons.

A good -looking girl like you should be chauffeured everywhere.

Shut up. I'm just going to go and throw this up.

Linda, I've got a question for you, my sweet.

Is it why you're going out with me? No, although I do get that a lot. No, it's

about the driving.

Whatever.

What is it, Neville?

Rather than going out in an actual car on roads, might we try a bit of role

for the driving?

If you want.

That's the only roleplay you'll be getting, though. You should be grateful

even attempting to teach you. Since when did you take Neville's side and not

mine? I have to say, it's nice, but slightly confusing, Sue. Shut your face,

Neville.

That's better.

Are you crying, Gavin?

Oh, no, no, no. It was very windy when I cycled in. I've got a big fly in my

eye. Well, you might be crying because there are hardly any customers.

Oh, no, it's a Tuesday morning.

Yeah, Tuesdays are always a bit funny.

Yeah, I see what you mean, actually.

Oh, God. No, no, no, more funny odds, not funny ha -ha.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Could you direct me to the local history section, please?

What are you talking about? This is a library, isn't it?

You scared off all the customers with your healthy eating bollocks.

What do you want, Duncan?

I'm meeting your missus later for a full body massage.

A full body massage?

I mean meeting.

Although, who knows?

But first I want to commiserate. What are you talking about, Trench? I'm

about your healthy eating thing.

Warrington sales are at an all -time low.

What? He said Warrington sales are at an all -time low. If I know what he said,

I just don't understand why.

Your word is head office want to take your pet project to the vet.

Give it a lethal injection to the face.

What? He said head office want to take your... Will you please just stop

talking, Si?

Cheryl hasn't told you?

Oh, and shit!

Well, I don't know what ridiculous rumours you think you've heard. They're

rumours, they're facts. Everyone knows. Pleasure Foods, all your other

suppliers, probably even him.

Yes, I do, but only because I read Cheryl's emails.

You what?

By the way, her cousin got engaged.

Finally.

Face it, Gavin.

You've damned this branch with your healthy eating plague.

It's going down.

And so are you.

Just don't shite.

Nothing.

No, nothing, Nev.

Normally when a babe like that walks past, you could pitch a tent on this bad

boy. But now, I just feel numb and lifeless.

Is this what it's like being you?

Actually, Colin, I've got a very healthy libido. Quite frustrating at the

moment. Linda's denying me conjugal rights until she passes her driving

Oh, you lucky bastard. All I get at the minute is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

It's becoming boring and depressing. It's like working with you.

Uh, Colin, well, since you're here, can I at least do something? This counter's

just filthy. Just give it a clean, please.

I'm in turmoil here, Gavin.

Oh, thingy.

Shy. Whatever.

Gavin said, clean the meat counter and get me a can of Stella.

When I first started working here, Gavin said, do not do anything, Colin.

He'll just take advantage of you.

I dread to think what he said about me. Nothing.

Literally, he didn't even mention me.

I can't even control the div's shelf -stacking, Ev.

It's like I've been castrated.

What do you feel, Ev?

It's quite a cold.

Is it true?

Healthy eating put the branch in danger.

I was going to tell you.

But you didn't, though. You just look so sweet and vulnerable.

Your helmet always has that effect on me.

I had to hear it through Duncan Trench.

You know, the last time I was this humiliated is when I flipped off a horse

merry -go -round.

All the kids, they laughed and jeered as they lay on the floor bleeding.

And I helped you up, remember?

Just like I'm going to help you now over this...

Minor failure.

But I wanted to fly the flag for healthy eating. And instead I've hit this

iceberg of hydrogenated trans -fatany numbers.

That metaphor might need some work. I know it needs work.

I'm so sorry.

Melchiodas?

You've been sneaking pleasure foods, chocolate.

Forge nuggets.

We're meant to be setting an example to our customers.

You agreed that we'd be the major Tim Peake of the supermarket industry.

True and just and everything that's healthy and good in this world. I know,

I'm sorry, but sometimes I find Tim Peake just a bit boring.

What?

So all those times we watched him live in space, you were faking it? No, no.

Maybe once or twice.

You're so convincing.

All those oohs and ahhs. What if I wanted you to enjoy it? To be honest, I

just tired and I wanted to go to sleep, but that doesn't mean I don't love you.

We are still talking about the live broadcast from the International Space

Station. Yes, we are, yes, and I'm so sorry. But most of all, I'm sorry about

healthy eating.

It's over, Gavin, love.

Today is a good day.

No, a great day. And do you know why?

You've been fired and you're looking for some rope.

Aisle three. I love it. And for the record, I dropped the five series off a

cliff.

Today is a good day because healthy eating is normal.

Oi, leave him alone. I like looking at him.

Well, you better get used to it, darling.

Because pretty soon, all these healthy eating displays will be replaced with my

product.

I'm in charge of Castle Falco now.

What are you banging on about?

I came.

I saw.

I kicked Gavin's arse.

The king is dead.

Long live the me.

Bow end.

Bring on the trumpet and stop the clocks.

I give you the next big thing from Pleasure Pooh.

Assailant. It's going to make you a packet. Go on, pick a number.

Um, four.

And add 15 zeros. That is literally how much money this baby's going to make you

in year one.

400 quadrillion? Exactly.

This stuff will put hairs on your chest and feet. This is the Jeff Capes of

energy drinks.

And I'm offering you the chance to be the first to sell it.

Jeff Capes was my first crush.

So then, I think, decision made.

It's very tempting, Duncan.

But I'm going to need more time to think about it. This drink is totally at odds

with Gavin's healthy eating campaign.

Well, it must be difficult to support someone who's losing the branch so much

money and putting everyone's jobs at risk.

Still, I can respect the loyalty.

Knock, knock.

Oh, Cheryl, please.

I'm a man.

Man, you'll have to watch this one, Gavin. She's a right firecracker.

Oh, thank you, Gavin.

Oh, has somebody already bought you flowers?

Great minds, eh? Yeah, but these are really sweet.

By sweet, she means small.

So, back to business, though.

Do you need a break to discuss the size of Gavin's bunch?

Assailant? What's this noxious monstrosity?

Yeah, Gavin. I bet it's bubblegum -flavoured paint stripper. Probably

the dark.

It does.

To help poor children read without a torch.

Valco will not now or ever sell that poison.

Now, now, clear your pitch up and get out, please. Duncan, will you give us a

minute, please?

Well, may I just say how offended I am, as a feminist, that you would undermine

your girlfriend at work.

Don't women have enough to contend with?

I'll call you later, sweetheart.

Let me get this straight.

you're willing to cancel my healthy eating campaign and sell that... Why can

not think of an adjective?

Because you're being irrational.

I mean, this is business.

It's not personal.

Just because we eat lasagna doesn't mean we're in the mafia show.

Now, I'm going to give healthy eating one last push. And when I have proven to

you that it can be profitable, then I hope that you will have the decency not

sign that contract.

Just don't forget to trim the stalks. They'll last longer.

Have you been out driving again? We had a little accident.

It wasn't really we, though, was it, dear? It was your car.

Yes, and my no -claims bonus.

It wasn't my fault, anyway.

Who's put me off? You know you did. I don't see how my breathing counts as a

noise. It's distracting, Neville.

And I try to hold my breath, but it's a bit of a strain doing it for the whole

lesson. Neville, are you bleeding?

Yes, I did suffer quite a confused nosebleed when I managed to stem the

And I was sorry.

Yes, you did, my darling.

Eventually. I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but this man's a saint

teaching you to drive.

I'll go and get you a wet paper towel, then.

Do you know, I can't quite believe you're saying it either, but thank you,

Shame about the write -off.

It wasn't a write -off. Just hanged it a bit. I was talking about my car.

Although we are going to have to inform the owner of the pranged car, too.

Sue's going to kill me.

Margaret?

What have you got for depression?

Gone with the wind makes me depressed.

You know that bit where a helicopter crashes?

Oh, I find that so upsetting.

Never mind.

Well, you look a bit sad, Colin.

Come and talk to your Auntie Margaret.

Me and Lisa are trying for a baby.

Oh, she's asleep with Neville?

That's Linda.

Margaret? I'm talking about Lisa. We're trying for a baby, yeah? And she just

keeps making me... You know.

Oh, I was the same with my Alan when we were trying.

Really? And he'd got a big one.

Probably bigger than yours.

But when I got pregnant, my nagging paid off.

He gave up that blasted pipe.

And that's what you should do. I don't smoke a pipe, Margaret, because I'm not

112.

I'm talking about what happens when things get dirty in the bedroom.

You put them in the wash basket.

I can't believe I'm talking about this to you.

I've been married for 40 years.

I've got two children, four grandchildren.

Did I ever tell you what happened on my wedding night?

Oh, it was disgusting.

And there's your sausages.

How did Sue take the news?

She tried to tell everybody.

I don't know how she's going to be so angry with us. Again, my love, it was

who was driving.

In your car, all your stupid breathing noises.

All right, all right. Never fear, Neville is here.

Sue and I seem to have bonded over teaching you to drive. I'm sure she'll

fine if I tell her.

Oh, Neville, you're like the best boyfriend in the world.

And she won't be fine. She'll be physically violent, but thank you so

Oh, Sue, Neville's got something he wants to tell you.

Can it wait? I need a wee. I'm afraid it can't.

Look, there's no easy way to say this.

It was your car that Linda crashed into.

You absolute knob -end. I know, and I'm so sorry. Not you, him.

This is all your fault, Neville. Is it? I told you not to take her out. I told

you it's impossible to teach her. To be fair, she did.

You need to grow a pair, Neville.

You've got to learn how to say no to Linda, like I do. You really do,

It was so dramatic.

It was really funny. And I want my car fixed this week.

At the very latest. And we sprayed.

It's the least you can do, Neville. And don't even think about coming near me

for at least a year.

Don't worry, I'll get my own paper towel.

Yeah, and in the end, we did get a room with a sea view.

But the way that hotel made us wait was... Disgusting.

Yeah, yeah, you've said lots.

But what I really need, Margaret, is advice.

Well, my advice is this.

You've got a smashing girl there.

Beautiful, funny, kind. You know, I've always liked Linda.

Lisa. And if you don't give her what she wants, someone else might.

You're right, Margaret.

But if I don't give that beautiful, beautiful woman what she wants, what she

did, I might lose her.

Oh, you're a wise woman, Margaret.

I know I am.

Here, why don't you give her a call and tell her how you feel?

It's a credit card machine.

Terrible news, isn't it?

You must be gutted. Why, what's happened?

Oh, no, I probably shouldn't tell you.

All right, you. All right, you forced my hand.

Gavin's healthy eating campaign has failed. The store's under threat. You

lose your job by the end of the month.

Oh, but I've just booked a holiday.

I hope you've got insurance.

Oh, did you hear that, Neville?

I might have to cancel my holiday. I don't think I've got any insurance.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Were you going anywhere nice?

No, we've seen at home. Alan hates travelling.

Also, sales are at rock bottom. Because of Gavin's healthy eating campaign, you

could be out of a job by the end of the week.

I can't go back to the YMCA.

I know I've said it before, but it's really nothing like the song. Not one

Colin, you'll never guess what. Yeah, you've seen Lisa.

She's waiting in the loading bay for me because her baby's back with his red

-hot sausage action.

Something much worse.

I might have to cancel my holiday.

Also, the sales are catastrophic because of Gavin's healthy eating debacle. The

store's going to close. You could be out of a job by the end of today.

And when Gavin goes for a wee, he's down like a woman.

Keep it to yourselves.

Or don't.

Your call.

Hello, sir. Can I interest you in something from our healthy eating range?

No, sir.

Why don't you just try one of our lovely multigrain rice cakes?

I have, and I don't like them.

Well, look, you people, do you want to lose weight or not?

What did you say?

Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter.

Gavin, Neville can't go back to the RSPCA, and I can't cancel my holiday

because... I haven't got no insurance.

What are you talking about, Margaret? She's talking about the branch closing

down. Yeah, the sales are catalytic.

And when you have a pith, you sit down like a woman.

What? Yeah, ma 'am, we've got a right to know.

The branch is not closing.

I'm talking about how you have a pith.

All we want to know is if we're going to lose our jobs.

Why would you think you're all losing your jobs? We've heard the store's

because of healthy eating.

Well, well, well.

Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

What have you done? Yeah, what have you done more like?

Have you been spreading poison, Duncan Trench?

No.

It's just a little cocktail I like to call the truth.

You wouldn't know the truth if it came up to you with a laminated name badge.

Don't shoot the messenger.

Although you'd probably miss if you tried.

Unless you're with that doubt.

Don't make me angry, Duncan.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I don't like you anyway.

You are a cornered little field mouth.

And I'm the king of the jungle.

I'm going to roar so loud you'd wish you'd never had ears.

Face it, Gavin.

You're loved.

Both healthy eating and Cheryl.

You don't say that. Cheryl will be looking for a new manager soon.

And a new boyfriend.

Maybe I'll apply for both.

What is going on?

He's a psycho. He's broken my face.

Then introduce his face. You're not fit to govern this branch.

And that's exactly what I'll be telling Graham Riviera at Balco Head Office. Or

you could just shut your mouth and we could go up to my office and we could

off on the deal for assailant. Oh, no, Cheryl.

Oh, please don't.

What would Tim Peake say?

Enough.

It's over.

When she said it's over and looked really angry, did she mean you two or

help me? I don't know, Sian.

This time, I just don't know.

She probably meant both.