Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red hot tails.

Loads of tofu ones. The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Service with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick. Valco!

Serves you right!

Now with that, it's pleasure foods.

Don't worry.

I'll come in peace.

I'm actually quite busy, Duncan. I've actually come to apologise, Gavin.

Last week, destroying you in the sit -up competition, calling you the C -word in

front of everyone. You called me the C -word?

Humiliating you.

It wasn't very professional.

I mean, you want to do healthy eating, pleasure's in the way. I just have to

accept that. So I got you something to say sorry.

Oh, thank you.

Hard House All Mighters. You've not got it already?

No.

Well, that's very, very, very kind of you, Duncan. It takes a big man to

apologise. I just thought we can still be friends.

Let's just call it a fresh start, shall we?

What's under the sheet?

Oh, I'd rather not say, if you don't mind.

Oh, OK, personal.

I thought we were fine, but whatever.

No, no, no, listen, you're absolutely right.

There you are, extending the olive branch, and I'm just throwing it back in

face like some terrible ogre. Here, look.

Whoa!

Who painted this shit?

I did.

It's beautiful.

Really good art.

Yes, it's mine and Cheryl's 11 -month anniversary, so I'm going all out. I was

thinking you might give it to her over a surprise special lunch today.

Oh!

Are the hands meant to be so big?

Yeah, I do struggle with hands.

Sue and Linda are both off today, which means you have got to cover for them.

Are we making announcements?

Mm -hm.

I know I seem really outgoing and confident, but I'm not great at public

speaking. I ruined my brother's wedding.

OK, so this is the announcements form. Members of staff will tell you if they

want an announcement to be made.

So let's try one.

Here, just say what's there.

Hi, everyone.

So, I've got a sheet of paper. It's a printout of an email about your product

promotion. What are you doing?

Just say the words that are on the sheet.

Yeah, I think that's a much better idea.

Hello, I'm Dr.

Brian.

Here's ten drugs, thank you.

One jug of medicine coming right up.

Margaret, I thought we agreed you were never to try the coat on.

Oh, Brian, you nearly gave me heart -to -heart attack.

Oh, you look furious. Is everything okay?

Two words, Margaret.

Warrington FM.

What? We're playing charades.

Is it a film? We're not playing charades. You always give up easily.

I'm angry because of the madness I just heard on the radio while driving in.

They had this idiot DJ on talking up the benefits of antibiotics.

Well, you should give him a call and complain. Alan's always doing it.

Do you know what? I think I should.

Right.

Warrington FM.

What should I say?

How about...

You look lovely.

Don't be ridiculous.

Hello, you look lovely. Sorry, I mean, I want to complain.

That idiot DJ that you've just had on needs to know a thing or two about

medicine.

Because I'm a pharmacist.

Really? Me?

Um, yeah, Roger.

Over and out.

You will never guess what.

It's a book. That was the radio show's producer. They want me on the show this

afternoon to put across my side.

Well, that's a long title for a book.

Right, I'd better be off. I think someone got off your nose last night

times. Shh, I'm not here.

Oh, hey, Katie.

Hi.

Hello, hi, Ollie.

I didn't know you was in today. Yeah, head office want a follow -up report on

how the homeless food drive's going, so I'm going to be shadowing you. Oh,

great. And it means I get to spend the day with you. Oh, great.

We were going to go to the pub after work. You should join us.

Oh, I don't know. I don't...

I don't want to be a third wheel.

That's a good point, but FYI, it's fur wheel.

I'm pretty sure the expression is third wheel. But that doesn't make sense,

though, does it? Because a third wheel would just get in the way.

Yeah.

But yeah, you should definitely come support with us kids.

Oh, OK, if you're sure.

Awesome. OK. Right, I'll see you later.

See you later.

Oh, are you so sweet?

Once you put your stake in, you just sit back and watch it make money.

Really? And it's all legitimate.

Only I have been burnt before with investments.

You know, something about my face seems to say pyramid scheme.

Pyramid scheme? Are you shitting me? No.

This is all built around the power of triangles.

Just, you know, 15 grand. It's a lot of money.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were a man. I didn't realise you had a couple of little

down there instead of balls. My mistake.

Shezza! DT, come into S -E -E -U.

No, I'll do it. I'm committed.

Damn. Hello, Duncan. I thought I could smell a rather alarming amount of

aftershave. Thanks, it's Prowler.

Whilst I've got you, there's a couple of new products I think would be perfect

for healthy eating.

Now, I'm going to have to stop you there. Healthy eating is Gavin's domain,

so... Yeah, but...

He's fine with it. He said, just talk to you, then go ahead.

Whatevs, his word. Gavin said whatevs. Interesting.

And what else did he say as a matter of interest?

Just that pleasure foods are great and he wants to see them rolled out

everywhere. Well, it doesn't sound like Gavin. How did he say it exactly? I

mean, perhaps you could do it in his voice.

Pleasure foods are great, Duncan.

Can I get to the toilet, please?

Hello? If he keeps turning our products down...

Pleasure will start thinking about leaving the region altogether.

All right, Duncan, I'm listening. What's your big idea?

Well, I could tell you here, or I could tell you over an all -expenses -paid

business lunch.

Oh, I do love a free lunch, but it would mean spending time with you.

Exactly. Win -win. We can go anywhere you like.

Up to a value of 32 pounds a head. Unless you've got other plans.

Oh, go on, then.

It's been OK getting all the out -of -date food into the church.

It's not been too confusing. Yeah, I've just managed, thank you. Oh, great,

you're a star.

Oh, erm... This is just, like, super... What's that long word for awks? Awkward?

Yes. This is just, like, super awkward, and I really don't want you to think I'm

being a bitch, but do you mind not coming to the pub later?

What? Yeah, sure, fine.

I feel really bad asking you, obviously.

I just want it to be like a date, you know, just me and Dan. This isn't about

what happened the other week, was it? Because that was a complete

misunderstanding. I mean, I don't fancy Daniel.

Oh, no!

No, I am really sorry if I have ever made you feel like a third wheel.

It's definitely third wheel. No, I don't think it is. Well, it is. But thank you

for being so understanding in him.

You're not going to tell Daniel, are you, that I asked you this because...

interfere.

Psycho alert!

Yeah,

no, no, it's fine. I'll make up an excuse.

Oh, great. Thank you so much. You are the best. Thank you so much, Katie. Oh,

no, it's fine.

Fine, honestly.

Thank you. Yeah, OK. Not really. I know.

Fine, honestly.

Any chance of a three for two?

That doesn't make any sense, Duncan.

Make it make sense.

Call me.

What a prick.

That's buy one, get one free on all Valco cereal bars.

I think that's all the options for Beth, Greg, Greg Walters.

Telephone 0161 496 0531.

Email g .lawson at valco .co .uk. Please think of the environment before

printing this email.

Charlie, what do you think you're doing, giving out Greg Walters' details?

He's an incredibly private man.

What, Katie said to read out the sheet?

Yes, but... You really are very literal sometimes, aren't you?

Thanks. Now, listen. Now, from now on, just read out the highlighted text.

Now, anything that isn't yellow, don't read. Got it.

Follow -up question.

What if it's the word yellow, but it isn't highlighted in yellow, like yellow

lentils?

No, no.

I really hope that Linda and Sue are coming back soon. Any news? Yes.

Two people have been rescued in a house fire in Oxfordshire, and the footsie is

up by 20. No, no, no, no. Any news of Linda and Sue?

Very unlikely.

No, nothing on the BBC site.

I'll just set up a Google alert, and then if anything comes through, then

just...

Me on the radio, giving medical advice.

Oh, I don't think I'd enjoy being on the radio.

I've been on Radio Alan, but that's not the same.

Radio Alan?

Oh, it's a game me and Alan play at home.

And I ask for a record, and then he plays it for me, and then... Then he

tells me the weather or the traffic. The nights must fly by at yours.

Right, well, better go. This time tomorrow, you'll be working with a radio

Ooh, ooh, I hope it's Tony Blackburn. Oh, I don't know how to make me laugh.

Hello, pickpockets!

Hello,

beautiful stranger.

Oh, hello.

My girlfriend's in today.

I hope she doesn't see me ogling you.

And there's jacket potatoes in their canteen. Sounds to me like the recipe

the perfect lunch.

I've even got the best flavour, plain.

Oh, I'm really sorry, but I've got a lunch meeting.

Oh. Oh, well, I'm sure they'll have plain on another time.

Who's your lunch with? Well, I've got two thumbs and four internet

You're having lunch with Duncan?

I'd better go and freshen up.

Look, I told you earlier on today that I was planning a surprise special lunch

for Cheryl.

What, the actual fudge?

Freshen up, eh? Lucky me. How serious are things with you and Cheryl? Do you

reckon I'm in with a chance?

Skullduggery. What happened to the olive branch?

There are no olives in the jungle, Gavin.

Just mighty oaks. I don't think there are any oak trees in the jungle either.

There's one.

This one.

And I've currently got your little ginger acorns in my big oak hands.

Now, don't worry about Cheryl.

I'll make sure she has a romantic lunch.

What, a sandwich with a pleasure food wrap? There's hardly meals and boon.

Sandwich? Oh, no, we're going offside.

To Cadre Amore, Warrington's second most romantic restaurant.

Look at the ambiance.

And those chairs there, could they be any closer together?

Actually, no, go back a bit. Look, you've strolled past the bed. Look,

got an air blade.

Maybe they've got a machine for condo.

There you are, Cheryl.

Looking beautiful.

Let's just get this open and done with, shall we?

She's keen.

I hope she's hungry.

I might go oysters for a starter.

Come on.

Come on. Open up.

Hey, guys.

I'm really sorry. I'm going to have to bail on the pub tonight.

Oh.

No worries. But you said you was free earlier and now you've made other plans.

Something came up. Why are you being so weird about it, Harley? Weird? I just

don't like it when people say one thing and then do another. It's a bit flaky,

but whatever.

Okay. Well, have a good night anyway.

Weird. Katie hates me. She doesn't hate you. She's been being off with me all

morning and I'm trying to be nice to her because I know how close you both are,

but she hates me.

I'll tell you what, I'll have a word.

I don't understand.

What was that, you hungry?

Come on.

Come on.

I never knew Brian was so good on the violin.

I think you might be on classic affair, mate.

Morning phone -in on antibiotics.

We've got local pharmacist Brian Fulton. Yay!

I hope you'll be gentle with me. Oh, I can't believe Brian's on the radio.

Hello, Brian!

Margaret, you can't actually be here. Oh, of course not. Silly me. Sorry,

Can I just say hello, Margaret?

Oh!

Diane in the Wirral. You're on. My son's got an ear infection.

Should I see if it goes naturally or get him antibiotics?

Uh, should you be listening to the radio? You're meant to be working.

the radio!

What? Why isn't he here?

Shh!

if you want him and everyone on Earth to die.

Finally, two and a half hours.

How many lunches are they having for?

Yeah,

great, isn't it?

Oh, here's trouble.

Hi, guys.

Good lunch.

Ran on a little, didn't it?

Oh, crikey. Is that the time?

I must just check in with head office.

Oh, thank you.

What a woman, eh?

And that restaurant, very intimate.

I've not got lipstick on my collar, have I? Dunman, this is about me saying no

to pleasure products. Then you should take it up with me and not Cheryl. Well,

tried the monkey.

Now I've gone to the organ grinder.

And I would not mind grinding organs with the lovely Cheryl.

You... Smoked merchant!

Now, Cheryl is fully behind this healthy eating, and she knows that this is my

store. Oh, that's odd. She just agreed I could stock pleasure products in the

entrance, where your small, worthless, stupid healthy eating displays.

Why? Oh, very accommodating, our Cheryl.

She bent over backwards for me.

Well, nurses can get very angry.

To be fair, he did say they should all be shot into space.

Oh, here he is.

Here you are, star of the silver screen.

I'm livid, Margaret.

I try and save people's lives and all I get is abuse. They switch me up.

You shouldn't answer that.

No chance.

Someone gave out my number and now I've got 15 voicemails from a very angry

nurse threatening to cut off my...

Cut off a body part I do not want to lose.

He's still talking about you.

I've never called him before, but I have to say what an absolute moron that

pharmacist was. Idiot!

These opinions, right, will be stupid

at all!

Er, Holly?

Hi, Phoebe.

What was all that about? What?

You know what.

The canteen.

Acting all upset that I couldn't come to the pub. Telling Daniel that you don't

think I like you. I don't know what you're talking about.

Whatever you're up to, it's weird.

But Daniel's a friend and I don't want to see him get hurt, okay?

Hey, everything all right?

No.

No, Katie's being really mean to me and I'm trying to be nice to her, but she's

just called me a bitch.

Katie?

She's talking out of her heart.

It's all right, it's all right. And she said that my food drive idea was rubbish

and that homeless people are all...

Oh, Katie, you know, they're just hard up. This is exactly the sort of negative

attitude I used to face when I was home. You're not actually falling for this,

are you?

It's all right, come on.

Neville!

Shh, it's OK, I'm here now.

Fuck off, Duncan!

Well, that's the thing about purple sprouting, isn't it?

Thank you, Matthew, thank you. Bye -bye.

Hi. Hi.

So, um...

Duncan tells me that pleasure products are now going to be front of store. Oh,

I'm so sorry, but I did have to make a small concession. We need to keep

pleasure on site. They are a massive supplier.

Yeah, well, I wish you'd consulted me first.

Oh, Kevin, do you mind if we talk about this later? I've got a white wine

hangover coming on.

You've got a hangover?

Well... Oh, you were drinking?

Cheryl, you're drunk in charge of an area.

I only had a few glasses of white wine.

Duncan insisted.

Oh, yeah? What else did he insist on, eh? Kevin.

Are you jealous?

Do I look like I'm jealous?

Yes, you do a bit. Your face is all pink. And look, this lunch was purely to

keep pleasure on side.

Yeah, and you were only too quick to jump into bed with big business, big

Duncan's big business bed.

Gavin, you're being ridiculous.

Right, am I? Well, I'll take my ridiculousness elsewhere. And I'm taking

with me.

Oh, what's that?

That was your 11 -month anniversary present.

Why are my hands so massive?

Well, I'm not very good at hands.

She's not very good at anything.

Unlike Duncan.

Oh.

So stock up on mint shower gel today while it's half -prick.

Did you just say half -prick?

Yeah, I think it's meant to be price, but Gavin said only read the bits

highlighted in yellow, and the E is not highlighted, so... Really?

Listen, I don't care if you have got a scalpel. You're not getting anywhere

my screw.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else.

I think it was the station manager.

The train station?

No, the radio.

What?

Yes, yes, well, it did get a bit feisty, but... Really?

Yeah. I'd love to.

Bye.

You're not going to believe what's happened. It's not that cap on platform

is it? Again, the radio, not the train station.

The station manager said the switchboards have never been so busy.

back as a regular every afternoon. I knew I was going to be a hit on the

Everybody hates you.

That woman from Winders, she says if she saw you, she was going to set you on

fire.

Exactly. You see, you've got to get the listeners worked up. I'm going to be

like one of those American shock jocks.

So you were being stupid on purpose?

Of course.

And when you sounded like you didn't know what you were talking about, well,

that'll pretend too.

Hey, and when you cry... Enough, Margaret.

Pleasure products can now be found at the front of store.

For more information about the Pleasure range, feel free to chat the Pleasure

rep and former inter -schools 400m champion, Duncan Trench, either in store

in his matador red hot hatch in the Valco car park.

Duncan also has a 10 -inch penis.

Duncan Trench.

Mind if I join you?

Well, it's a free canteen.

Well, I should subsidise it.

I'm sorry about before I ever hurt your feelings. I shouldn't have laughed.

Well, I suppose I was being rather ridiculous.

I mean, I wasn't laughing at you. It's just the idea of you being jealous of

Duncan. You've got nothing to be jealous about. The man's a moron. He just knows

how to whine me off. Well, he's a wally, and you need to keep your emotions in

check at work. Oh, you're right, of course.

Curse this fiery Latin temperament of mine.

I just wanted to give you your present at lunchtime.

Oh, I love it.

I might have another crack at the hand. Please do, they're frightening.

Oh, and I've got a little 11 -month present for you.

Oh, don't you?

Very unprofessional. I'm drunk. I take advantage of you.

No,

no, I can't. No, it's really too much.

Don't even think I'm going to fall for your nice act. I'm not doing it anymore.

Oh, I don't need you to fall for it because you're out of the picture now.

the hell is wrong with you? I just needed to make sure that you got the

loud and clean.

It's clear.

Stay away from Daniel! I'm not interested in Daniel. Yes, you are. I

You will win. But forget it. Daniel is mine. He loves me. We're going to grow

old together. We're going to die together. So just stop!

You're insane.

Yes, insane like a fox. Like Daniel Fox. Hey, just calm down.

You're not carrying anything to show off, are you? I'm sorry, I can't stay

chat. I need to go and find Daniel and tell him that.

Katie hit me. I never hit you. Didn't you? No.

Oh.

Oh, well, you did. No.

Now that you're a radio star, can I have

your autograph?

Go on, then.

Night, guys.