Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

I think you should just stop that. Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to

biscuits. Red hot tails.

Loads of tofu ones.

The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Served with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick. Valco!

Serves you right!

Now with that, it's pleasure food.

Oh, these are wonderful, Shai.

Wonderful. They're just so evenly spaced.

0 .58 metres. I base my calculations on the average stride length of a woman,

what with these being ladies' footprints.

And they're actually modelled on my footprints.

So it's true what everyone says.

You do have very small feet.

I do not.

What do you mean, everyone?

Well, not everyone, just the bakers. Oh, well, we all know what they're like.

And the delivery drivers, the canteen girls, the shelf stackers, and everyone

the night shift. Oh, and all the staff at Halfords.

Oh, well, it's the last time I go in there.

Who also say you're quite petty.

Gavin!

Why are you sticking all these kiddie footprints on the floor?

They're actually adult footprints, Margaret, and to answer your question,

customers can follow the footprints and be led to all the healthy products

around the store.

Oh, like in that film with the yellow brick road.

Oh, yeah, The Wizard of Oz. Oh, no, no, no, that one with the lion and the tin

man.

Yeah, yeah, The Wizard of Oz. No, the one with the song about going off to see

someone.

Yeah, The Wizard of Oz.

That's the name of the film.

No, no, it's not that.

I'll ring Alan Neil, though. Can I borrow your phone, Gavin?

Just get back to the pharmacy counter, please, Margaret.

Right -o.

People often say you pick on Margaret.

I do not.

And I've anger problems.

Parrot? Wholemeal toast? Fruit?

Have I slept through the apocalypse?

Daniel, I hate to tell you this. There's been a dreadful error. There's no fried

breakfast. Oh, Gavin's given the canteen a makeover. All the bad stuff is gone.

Bad stuff?

Black pudding is made of blood. That's one of your five a day. You can't expect

this man to survive on rabbit food.

He puts his life on the line. He's practically a war hero.

Well, that's for others to say, which you just did.

Gavin wants us to get behind the healthy eating thing. Let's just give it a go,

eh? This is an affront to my civil liberties.

I hope you're pleased with yourself, making people work in these conditions.

Is there a problem, Ian? You, sir, are worse than scum.

A lot of people say that.

What?

Yes. You know, wine's made from grapes.

No, it isn't. Here is your rota for next week.

Oh, I can't work Saturday. There's a family emergency.

What's happened?

Me and Colin are trying for a baby all weekend.

Yeah, like, all weekend. You know what I'm talking about.

That's not an emergency.

Yeah, it is.

We're desperate for a little baba.

Yeah, man. I'm keeping my pants off so I can keep my junk at the perfect

temperature. Boiling point.

And I've got an ovulation stick. You slot it in and it beeps when your eggs

ready. Like a hairy microwave.

OK, before I pass out, let me make this perfectly clear, Lisa.

You're working Saturday.

Are you denying us the right to have a child?

You better lawyer up.

You wouldn't be saying this if it was you and Daniel trying for a baby.

What are you talking about? Oh, come on, let you have them fantasise about it.

Check it, yeah?

These two are working a late shift.

Daniel smiles.

Katie smiles back. Next thing you know, she's playing hunt the salami on the

meat counter.

Katie, you dirty little mink.

Have you got a minute?

Yeah, please.

What's on the back?

Oh, nothing.

Colin and Lisa are trying for a baby.

Trust me, you don't want to know any more than that. Oh, I really don't. And

just so you know, Valcon will pay for any post -traumatic therapy needed.

It's too late. It's already imprinted.

So, listen, our head office was sending someone in. They want to talk about some

charity food collection thing. I'd take care of it, but I've got to go to the

Bolton branch.

OK. But head office always sends someone so enthusiastic and annoying. Who is

it? Um... Hi!

Katie, right?

Yeah. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Lola, it's so nice to see you again. Hi.

Hello, you. Hey.

Um... Right.

Thank you. See you later. See you.

Oh.

Well, I didn't know you had, like, a little thing going on. Oh, no, yeah, we

together a few weeks back.

We're just both so relieved because neither of us thought there was any

at Valco.

We went out last night, so I look like such a mess this morning.

So, what are you doing here again? Well, I had this idea, right?

Where it came from, I have no idea. I wish I did, cos I'd have so many more of

them. I have this idea that head office just love, and they just want to roll it

out across every store. How cool's that? Oh, yeah, that's great.

Come on, let's go for a walk. I'll explain everything.

They want elite security, but how am I supposed to function on such a

diet? It's an outrage.

I mean, if I was a younger man, I'd do something about it, but... Have a good

mind to do something.

A devastating high -impact protest to bring management to its knees.

A hunger strike?

A hunger strike.

That's a great idea, Ian. I'm not so sure.

Ian, I've seen that look of determination on your face before.

You're right.

Somebody needs to take a stand.

And that somebody's going to be me.

From this moment forward, not a single thing from Falco will pass these lips.

Oh, Uncle Roger's cheesy fingers!

My favourite.

This reminds me of Twister.

Do you ever play Twister? I do, yes, but only in the winter months. In the

summer, you can often see more than you bargained for.

Sushi down there, Gavin?

Oh, Duncan, I thought I recognised those leather shoes.

Made from real Italian stallion? No, they don't make shoes from horses.

Of course they do.

Guess how many pairs of shoes I own.

Five. Twenty -seven.

Twenty -seven pairs of shoes.

How many shoes do you own?

Three. Three pairs of shoes, is that it?

No, three individual shoes. I lost one when I went swimming.

Well, talking of shoes, what's with the little footsteps?

They're not little. They're modelled on Gavin's feet.

Looks like a robin's been walking through the snow.

I didn't see you in my calendar, Duncan, otherwise I would have set an alarm.

I thought I'd take a gander at this healthy eating thing.

It's creating a lot of chatter at Pleasure Foods.

A lot of chatter. Yes, well, we're all very pleased with it, including our

customers. Yeah, I'll bet.

Can't help noticing you've not included any pleasure foods. Yes, well, pleasure

foods is hardly a brand noted for its healthy products.

Au contraire.

Pleasure foods dinner bar, packed with natural ingredients. It's bright blue.

So's the sky.

And how much sugar has it got in it, eh? 20 grams?

Nowhere near.

19 grams.

Can you believe what's happened to the canteen?

I mean, what is the point of these?

I quite like ice cakes.

Are you joking?

It's like trying to eat a piece of cork.

You have to put something on them, you know, with it.

Like what?

You know, jam, chocolate.

I know what I'll put on it.

There. That's the best thing for it.

So, I was talking to this homeless guy and he was one of the most inspirational

people I've ever met.

Really? Yeah.

And he was saying how upsetting it is knowing how much food supermarkets are

just, like, throwing away. So I've organised for a charity to come and

all of the surplus food at the end of every day. Oh, really? That's good. You

know, at least you're doing your bit. I know, right?

So what sort of stuff do you do for charity, then?

Uh, well, I sponsor my friend who did a 5K run.

Oh, my God, that is so funny.

Actually, I'm trying to get Daniel to do more charity work, but you know what

he's like.

I don't really know what he's like, um, outside of work.

Oh, are you so...

Sweet, but he is so lazy.

I literally have to, like, drag him out of bed. Although when he's in my bed, I

do find it hard to drag myself out.

So much fun last night.

You sure I don't look a state? I hardly slept.

Yep. Anyway, let's push on, cos I'm donating a kidney later.

Do you know how many calories you burn off when you're shopping?

No. No one does, mate, cos who cares? Here, have a biscuit.

Cheers.

What on earth are you doing?

Just giving people something tastier than your health food rubbish.

Our healthy eating range is both nutritious and delicious, and I like to

that we put the fun back into fun, healthy eating.

If you really want to know what people want, there's a quick, easy way to find

out. Yeah, a double -blind trial in association with trading standards.

A taste test.

In store.

Right here.

Right now.

I haven't got time for that kind of...

And

that's a free -range chicken, Gavin. The most cowardly of all the chickens.

All right, dammit, I'll do it.

The taste test starts now.

Well, obviously, not now. I need to get a hairnet and some antibacterial wipes.

So that's when I was in India, and you see that woman there? She had absolutely

nothing, yet she was just constantly smiling.

She was one of the most inspirational people you've ever met.

Oh, my God, yeah. How did you know?

Just a guess.

Katie, what is with this canteen?

It's part of Gavin's healthy eating plan.

Yeah, I need proper food. I'm having a baby.

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, cheers, lovely.

She's not actually pregnant.

Not yet, but we're trying.

Colin says fatty foods like chips help lubricate. Just sit down and eat your

salad, Ethan. What? It's out of order.

Can't your boyfriend do something about it?

Who's your boyfriend, then?

Daniel. He works here.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not your Daniel. No, this is a completely

different Daniel.

Lisa, this is Holly, Daniel's girlfriend.

So this other Daniel is Ian today, then?

Yeah.

But it might be. I haven't had a chance to look at the latest rota. The last one

I'd be working Saturdays. Oh, hang on, he is in.

Here he comes now. Hey, Daniel.

Yeah? Holly, this is Daniel, Katie's boyfriend.

What do you mean, Katie's boyfriend?

Ow! So where did you two meet then, Daniel? Come on, you two lovebirds.

did you meet? Oh, no, we met at a sex shop.

We met at the sex shop.

Then we went ice skating.

Oh, tell him you love him.

Yeah, go on. No, Lisa, not now.

Come on, tell him you love him, you cow.

I really loved him. I'm all right. See you later then. I love you.

Love you.

Oh, we're going to have so much fun with it. Yeah, like a threesome.

What? Ow, don't do that.

This one.

Get in.

So that's 20 for fruit bomb.

Valco Greek value yogurt, nil.

Sorry, let me just count that again.

Yeah, nil.

You shouldn't be able to call it a fruit bomb. It hasn't got any fruit in it.

It hasn't got any bombs in it either. Although a few of the ingredients do

over. But look at the label.

100 % taste.

Well, everything has 100 % taste.

It's no wonder I'm winning. Look, even your staff prefer my product.

You see, Gavin, I'm just giving people what they want.

A charity van will arrive and collect all of this surplus food at the end of

every day. And all you have to do is supervise everything.

It shouldn't take longer than an hour or two.

Great. Do you know what I was thinking?

We should go on a double date.

You, me and the two Daniels. The two Daniels, that sounds like a film,

it? Oh, God, I have missed you so much.

So you excited for our little date tonight?

Oh, what have you got planned?

Well, do you know that Jamie Oliver restaurant in Manchester?

Wow, yes. Yeah, well, directly opposite that, there's a wicked strip club called

Banger's.

He's just tricking.

You want her up, don't you?

What do you want, Daniel? What do I want? It's a good question. Do you know

girl on the tills? What is her name?

She's always on the tip of my tongue.

Lisa. Lisa. Yeah, that's it. Well, I had Lisa saying that she needs next

Saturday off. Certainly like a family problem or something. Oh, bless her.

not having it off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. That is not the Katie that I know. So tell me, is

everything all right?

She can have it off. She can have it off. I love you so much.

From here.

Oh, look.

And here. Yeah, I think I might leave you to it, if that's all right. Yeah.

No, Daniel, he's just going, aren't you, Daniel? Well, not until I've had a key.

What? Come on.

But, can I have word, please?

Daniel.

This one.

Yes! 69!

Well,

Mr. Preachypants.

You don't know everything.

Well, I know one thing. Well, I know lots of things. People want to be

and fitter, and I am leading by example.

How are you leading by example?

It's obvious who's fitter, out of you and me.

I'll have you know I cycle 17 miles a day, unless there's a threat of black

Well, I ran a marathon last week, and the only thing in this six -pack were a

bowl of cocoa clusters.

Yes, that is because it was full of sugar and E numbers.

Which helps keep me super fit.

I bet you can't do 100 sit -ups in two minutes. Yeah, I bet you can't either.

Try me.

You're supposed to be making me pregnant, not Katie.

It's not my fault if she wants me.

And anyway, it was you, Lise, that was all like, oh, Colin, can you pretend to

be a real boyfriend? I have to make it look real. Yeah, but not grope her.

Right, Lise, the only girl I want to grope is you.

You're just saying that. I mean it. I want to grope you for the rest of my

all right? I'll never find anyone as filthy as you.

Do you really mean that?

Of course I do, Lise. Of course I do.

Oh, guess what?

What? Guess what?

Right, Katie said you can have next Saturday off.

Oh, my God.

So we can spend the day trying for a baby?

We're going to need to get some extra sheets.

Fertilise me, Cole.

Yep.

Get this off.

Take them off with your mouth. Take them off with your mouth.

But it's really sexy when you do that.

Robin who's nested about to be torn from the tree. Yes, well, that just shows

you know absolutely nothing about robins. They happen to be territorial

who nest in hedgerows and not trees.

Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.

Oh, are you, Janice?

Twelve. Ah, but you said twelve already.

Oh, did I?

Oh, now I've lost my count.

Twelve, thirteen.

Don't go back to twelve again.

You know, that new canteen's made me really think about what I should eat.

Might try a new diet.

You don't need to go on a diet. You look gorgeous, Linda. You've never looked

better in all the time I've known you. Aw, sweet.

You're too.

Say something nice about me.

Is that a new name badge?

Oi!

Are you feeling the burn yet, Gabby?

The burn of defeat.

The only burn I'm feeling is the slow release of healthy calories from a

sensible, balanced diet.

Your ears have gone bright red.

Like a couple of robin's teeth.

Oh, Gabby, he's right.

What will Cheryl say?

Win or lose?

Bye -bye, Gabby.

See you never.

Oh, Gabby, you're worried. Oh, I'll get Corby.

Yes!

Welcome to Loserville.

Population, Gavin.

Oh,

how's

my hunger strike going?

There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it.

I've done a terrible thing.

You haven't killed a man with a single flick of your mighty wrist, have you?

not yet.

I've let down a young kid.

who believes in me and looks up to me.

What, me?

About ten minutes ago I went on my break. God, this is so hard.

I was weak and I couldn't think straight and I ate one of your Uncle Roger's

cheesy fingers.

I say one, it was actually the whole bag.

I've let you down, Ariana, and for that I'm truly sorry.

Oh, don't worry, mate. I never thought you'd do it anyway.

Oh, I see.

Very sweet.

You're trying to make me feel better by pretending you don't look up to me.

I don't, not in the least.

Of course you don't.

You're a good kid, you know that.

I literally have no respect for you at all.

It has been fun.

Do you mind seeing yourself out? Because I've got some paperwork that I've got

to finish.

Katie, I really need to tell you something.

That I'm the most inspirational person you've ever met?

Oh, what is it? I saw your Daniel earlier, kissing Lisa, like, really

Lisa.

Oh, my God.

What an idiot.

So I decided to go over and say something, but that's when I realised

badge. Actually, he says Colin.

Oh, no.

That's just his sense of humour.

He is a proper tip.

He is such an idiot, honestly.

I cannot wait to finish with him. He's not really called Daniel, is he?

What? No, because there's only one Daniel, and that's my Daniel.

Hey. Hey. Hey, Daniel.

How's it going?

Yeah, I think... We managed to get to the bottom of things, didn't we, Katie?

Yeah.

Yeah, we really did. We had a real good day today.

Anyway, I'd better go because I've got some paperwork that I have to finish,

so... See you.

Katie's a laugh, isn't she? Yeah.

I'm glad you two got the chance to get to know each other. Yeah.

Yeah, we got to know each other really well.

Maybe these weren't such a good idea.

You're feeling a bit down, aren't you, Gavin?

A little, yes.

Probably because Duncan beat you in the taste test and turned out to be fitter,

stronger and generally better than you.

Yes, that's probably why.

Are we going to give up, then?

No.

We need to think bigger.

Probably wouldn't be harder, like a size three. Not bigger footprints.

But a bigger healthy eating campaign?

I'm going to pull out all the stops. As God is my witness, I am not going to let

Duncan Trench beat me again.

Probably will, though.

That's what people are saying.