Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

I think you should just stop that. Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to

biscuits. Red hot tails.

Loads of two for one. The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Served with a smile.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way.

Tick. Valco!

Serves you right!

Now with that, it's pleasure foods.

With the launch of our new healthy eating range, we're going to show our

customers that a healthy diet is as easy as one, two, three, four, six.

What's that?

That is a visual aid to make healthy eating more simple. I call it my

hexagon of health.

Why? Because it's got six thighs. Now, why bother, Gavin?

Because, Colin, it is important to make healthy eating understandable.

There are several sections. You have sugars and salt and fats and vitamins.

fact, vitamins has its own two subsections.

Three and a half.

Three and a half subsections, which can be found... On the other side. The other

side. Quite something, isn't it?

So, clear of the bell. Any questions from... Well, Shia, you understand it,

don't you?

No. No one does.

Well, thank you, Shia. I can always rely on you for your honesty.

Right, so listen up, people. This is what we'll be doing today. Brian, you're

going to give a presentation on the benefits of exercise.

I'm going to need a bucket of ice. I'm having a diseased heart biked over from

the morgue.

Brian, you are not conducting an autopsy on the pharmacy counter.

I say that every time.

Margaret, you're on health check, so that's going to be weight, blood

and BMI's.

BMI. B is for Brian.

M is for Margaret, my neighbour, and I is for I like Lovejoy.

That's very good, Margaret, but do you actually know what it is?

Yes, a detective series about antiques.

Do you know, Lovejoy was more than just a detective series. Now, please, can we

just... Stop talking about love, joy and focus.

On the hexagon of health that no one understands?

Lisa,

you're late. You were meant to be in early to set up the stall.

Just get to work.

Oh, my God.

It's not my fault.

You've got a hangover. Of course it's your fault.

Right, I'm putting you on late for the rest of the week.

What?

It's not a hangover.

It's morning sickness.

But you're pregnant.

But legally, you're not actually allowed to ask me that. Section 4, clause 26,

Valco, handbook on employee rights.

You just told me you were.

Well, that's what happens when you're pregnant.

Your brain goes to mush.

I thought we'd have a quick run -through about what you're going to say when we

tell you. All right, but I would advise you to put your sunglasses on. Why?

Because you are about to be dazzled.

Now, the idea for my healthy eating initiative came a few weeks ago when I

hit violently and repeatedly in the face.

Not by an angry customer or the bakers on a night shift.

But by an idea about how to make Britain healthy again.

let me introduce to you the hexagon of health.

Okay, good. But rather than the hexagon thingy, it might be best to talk about

the healthy things that Valka were already doing, like taking the staff

trampoline. Oh, yes, now, that was fun, although I didn't like the way the

instructor was ogling you. Oh, I love it when you get all jealous.

Anyway, I think we should have another go.

All right, but I really must insist on you wearing a sports bra this time. No,

no, no, I'm talking about the interview. You've got to get straight in there. I

am the manager of Valka Warrington, and I'm sure... Taking up the industry.

Seriously, you're pregnant.

Oh, my God, why is that so hard to believe? Me and Colin do it all the time

home, on the bus, in Neville's car. He's right, all right.

I'm going to cry in a minute.

You haven't even congratulated me.

Congratulations.

You're pleased, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel blessed.

It's got to be about sales and PR.

It's got to be upbeat.

It's got to be positive.

It's got to be fun and energetic.

Look, as your boss, I've got to be across this kind of thing.

And as your girlfriend, I not only have the luxury to kiss you when I want,

but I also get to be honest with you. And I'm saying this has to be fun,

exciting and simple.

All right?

Oh, come on.

Don't go all sulky on me, my little gabberoo.

Don't say that, are you? Come on, do the thing. Do the thing.

Oh, no, people won't be looking. No, no, no, go on, do it. Please, please,

please, go on, do it.

Little Joey.

Josie Pouch.

Can I interest you in a vegetarian burger, sir? Drop dead.

As you wish. The customer is always right.

There's nothing quite like the smell of meat substitute in the morning.

Did I ever tell you about the time?

Just give me a sec, man.

Just a minute.

Did you want to say something? No, I just wanted you to shut up. Are you all

right, Colin?

Yeah. I hear congratulations are in order. Oh, something happened?

I was talking about the baby.

But you're pregnant.

It's not mine.

I'm talking about Lisa's baby.

Lisa hasn't got a baby.

Well, not yet, obviously, but... Anyway, congratulations.

I wish I hadn't asked like that.

I knew you were going to say that.

Well, you didn't. You're my best mate. I know what's going to come out of your

mouth before you've even thought it.

All right, well, what am I about to say next, then?

Three. Two, one. Make some cuppa.

Shorten your lazy cow. Fuck it, it's you.

Lisa.

You need to empty the peeling spin.

I can't lift anything, baby.

Fine, I'll do it. Can you get some more bananas, please?

I can't carry anything, baby.

Surely you can lift a bunch of bananas.

Doctor's orders.

Baby.

Meat. Dairy, fried foods.

This is what they do to your heart.

Arteries clogged with pus and disease.

And that's why your mum is going to die.

Unless she has a healthy eating plan in place.

Siegfried and Roy!

What on earth do you think you're doing? I thought I said no to the heart.

You said no to a human heart. This is a pig's heart.

Just get rid of it, will you?

The news crew are going to be here in a minute. Just go and help Margaret with

the health checks.

Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

Wendy, this is Gavin Strong, the manager here at Valker Warrington. Gavin, this

is Wendy from North West Live.

Hello, Wendy. Can I just say that I am a huge fan of your work?

That report on the bifold doors at the leisure centre was just outstanding.

Oh, well, we do what we can.

Did you see my piece yesterday about the dog with no nose? Oh, yes, I did. And

well done for not making the obvious joke.

Well, it's a terrible condition.

In all seriousness, how did he smell?

Not good, I'm afraid.

Right, well, I'm going to go and find my cameraman and see where he wants to set

up. Lovely to meet you, Gavin.

Now, remember, you've got to be upbeat.

And positive, all right? I want you to be rousing. I want you to be passionate

like you are when you watch Country Fire.

It's probably best if I fix my own tie when we're at work. Yes, sorry, go on.

See you later, Veggie.

Can I give you a word of advice, Colin?

Oh, go on, Ned, but it'll cost you.

Children are expensive.

Save the pennies and the pals will look after themselves.

You know, I may have gone without food, but I always made sure that Vanessa and

the girls had the basics.

Tennis coaching, new party dresses, spa days with Mike.

I've just realised, I'm going to end up like you, Nev.

Skint and boring.

Anyway,

that'll be a tenner for giving me advice.

I've only got a fiver on me. Oh, well, that'll have to do, won't it, Neville?

It's supposed to be my lunch money.

Looks like I'll be having one of these veggie burgers.

Do you know, these really are a triumph.

They taste just like real meat.

They are real meat.

Ran out of the veggie ones, I couldn't be arsed. They're not about to get any

more simple, innit?

You haven't given them to any vegetarians, have you? Who cares,

someone complains?

Vegetarians can't complain.

They haven't got the energy.

But what if they do? We could get sued. I could lose my job.

I won't go back to living in the YMCA, Colin.

It's not like the song.

Not one bit.

As part of our ongoing obesity watch, I'm here at Valco Warrington with store

manager Gavin Strong.

Gavin, you've launched your very own healthy eating initiative.

Yes, well, that's right, Wendy.

Obesity is rising day after day, year after year.

People are struggling. They're unhappy.

They're frustrated.

Be positive.

Be positive.

I mean, customers want to be positive, and I intend to teach them how to change

their lives by...

Effi -hating.

I mean, effi -hating.

Effi -hating.

But can one supermarket really make a difference, Gavin?

Well, with my vision, Wendy, I think so, yeah. So I want to educate our

customers by jumping up and down.

What do you mean by that, Gavin?

Let me introduce you to my... Area manager, Cheryl Fairweather, and I'm

say, Wendy, that here at Balco, we are shaking up the supermarket industry.

on, have a go. Oh, you're in the movie. Have a go.

Hey,

we're talking of infectious.

Fight off those nasty colds by stocking up with some of our delicious lemons.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Impressive skills there, Cheryl. A few weeks ago, I was hit violently and

repeatedly in the face.

So tell us more about healthy eating. Well, Wendy, healthy eating. Healthy and

eating. Two fabulous words. But your heartline is rather long, which could

romance or heart disease.

Thank you.

Margaret, are you doing palm readings?

Oh, I can't be doing with all this BMX business.

But you can't beat a good old palm read. You can, because it doesn't work.

Not as good as tea leaves, no.

But I've always thought thy palms.

Ever since I had mine read when I was a girl.

They told me I'd have three children.

But you've only got two children.

So far.

Let me have a look at yours, Dr. Bryant. Certainly not.

Oh, just relax. Let me have a look.

I'm very good with palms.

Now, what is this hand telling me?

What's wrong?

No, you're right.

It's nonsense.

OK.

A little curiosity. What did you see?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Why don't you call your wife?

Tell her that you love her.

Gavin!

I've just come off the phone from head office. They were thrilled with our

interview. Yeah, your interview.

It was a team effort and everybody knows that.

Everybody's talking about your interview, Cheryl, saying how good you

There's no -one saying that about you, Calvin.

Oh, my God, Cheryl, you were amazing.

Oh, yeah? Can we get you out of the grass?

Stop it, girls, you make me blush.

So, what say you to a spot of lunch?

My treat.

Yeah. If we can get into the canteen past all your adoring fans... Actually,

second thought, you should finish those forecast reports. I want to leave early

tonight. I want to get to our jazz tap class.

Yeah, your jazz tap class.

Well, what's the reading?

220 beats per minute. See? Perfectly fine.

Yes, if you've been doing vigorous exercise.

Yeah, but I've been thinking a lot. The mind is a muscle.

Or it could be that you're very anxious.

Anxious? No.

No. Well, I am a bit worried about Margaret.

She thought she saw something bad in my palm reading, but she hasn't told me

what it is.

Why didn't you ask her? I'm not bothered.

Don't even know where she is.

She's right there.

Oh, yeah, you see, she's got herself all wound up, poor thing.

I mean, you can't just drop dead without warning.

There are 17 congenital conditions that kill with no warning. Yeah, but you

can't test for them with a palm reading. There's no way of testing for them at

all. You might have lots of them and you'd only know.

Wow, 250 beats per minute.

Right, there's no way you'll know what takeaway I'm having tonight.

You're on.

Three, two, one.

Chicken karma, peel our eyes on the plaza.

I suppose I do always have the same thing. Look at all that boring cow!

This is not a veggie burger.

I want to see the manager.

Now.

Thank you.

It was me, Gavin. I misread the packaging.

I apologise profusely.

Well, this will go to the highest level, Neville.

The highest level.

Neville.

Oh, dear.

As a gesture of goodwill, I would like to offer you ten Valco vouchers. Me all

life, I've not eaten meat.

Me all life!

Well, let's just see if I can find... Cheryl Fairweather, the area manager

I'm so sorry to have caused you so much distress.

No, it's all right, Cheryl. I'm dealing with it. Well, there's no need. I'm here

now, so... I said, I'm dealing with it, Cheryl.

What are you doing, Gavin? Well, I'm the manager here, and I'm taking care of my

customer. I think you're being a little bit childish. I think you are!

Why don't we go to my office and have a nice cup of tea, all right? And I'm sure

we can do better than ten Valco vouchers.

Oh, and can you bring us up some tea, please, Gavin?

Yeah, you've got a BMI of 483.

That means she's the size of a fully grown elephant.

Can I interest you in a leaflet of our Hexagon of Health, madam?

No, thank you.

Oh, I just can't concentrate.

It is all this business with Dr Brian.

I'm worried sick.

So is he.

He's been to the toilet five times in the last hour.

Oh. I feel terrible delivering bad news.

I'm like one of them dim reapers.

Thank you.

Enjoy that, my queen.

Bye. Bye -bye now. Bye.

Sorted. Do you need a hand?

A bit of vinegar will get that off no problem.

I'm perfectly capable of getting this off.

My way.

Oh, somebody a bit of a grumpy bum.

It's my Gavarou a bit cross with me.

I'm fine. And please, don't call me that at work.

Is this just about the interview?

It might be, if I was someone who actually cared about being sidelined.

you're not somebody who cares about being sidelined. No, I'm not.

I'm a rational adult.

And I'm perfectly capable of removing graffiti off a hexagon of health.

Gavarou is cross.

I am not Gavarou. I am Gavarou Strong.

I'm Gavin Strong, and I'm the manager here. Yes, I know you are, but whether

like it or not, I am your boss.

And though I know that can be tricky sometimes, it does have its advantages.

being honest, remember?

Well, we're being honest. I don't want to go to Judd Tapcliffe. I can't do the

shuffle hop step, and I don't like wearing leg warmers. But you're quite a

warmer. No, no, I've made up my mind. I don't want to go to flipping Judd

Tapcliffe ever again.

Our head office have given me a written warning. There's a possibility I might

be fined by the Food Standards Agency.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all about Neville, innit? Well, do you know what, Nev? Some of us have got

real problems over here.

Becoming a dad is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Apart from when I

found out I was working with you, obviously. I have apologised for that,

Several times.

Oh.

That is a...

That is a beautiful thing, that man.

Oh!

Leith,

what were you going to tell me?

It was just a snog. It meant nothing.

I meant about a baby.

What baby?

Our baby.

Oh, Leith, do what? Even if it's not mine, I'm going to stick by you.

I'm going to get a bigger coat because I'm going to be naked for three now. The

only thing I'll be giving birth to is that kebab from last night.

Oh, in about five minutes.

Daniel told me. You're pregnant.

Oh, no, I lied, cos I puked in the feelings bin.

Oh, did you throw up? Yeah. I did it on Neville's feet.

Oh, shit.

Wicked.

Do you know what, though, Liz?

Liz, I reckon we'd make a beautiful little leper, you know?

You reckon?

Oh, come on.

My brains?

Your smile?

There it is.

You really want us to have a baby. I just think the timing's right, you know?

I need an, er...

Let's do it. Yeah? Yeah.

No, not here.

I want it to be special. In the loading bay.

So, this hexagon of health can help you to decide if something is healthy or

not. So, any questions?

Anything that didn't make sense?

None of it made sense.

Well, maybe I can run through it again.

It made perfect sense to me.

Yeah, well, you're bound to say that, aren't you? No, no, no, I'm not.

Each colour -coordinated segment denotes salt, fats, sugars, vitamins.

Actually, vitamins have three and a half subsections that can be found on the

other side. No, no, no, it's easy, it's informative. I totally understand it.

I'm so sorry for my petty jealousy and my ferocious temper.

I've just got to deal with the fact that my girlfriend is my boss.

And I'll try not to interfere so much.

I'll finish those reports that you wanted.

We don't want to be late for our jazz... Oh, if

there's time, do you think we could go shopping to buy me some different leg

warmers? You mean like a nice navy blue?

Yeah, yeah.

How does this work, then? I haven't got a clue.

Oh, are you all right, Dr. Bryan?

Not dead yet, Margaret.

Oh, would you like me to check your palm again?

As you're insisting so vehemently.

Oh, oh, oh, that was strange.

Oh,

oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, I must have been looking at your palm upside down. I got

your lifeline and your romance line mixed up.

So he's not going to suffer a bloody and painful death in the near future?

No. The only thing that Dr. Bryan will suffer is wonderful health and probably

a divorce.

Oh, thank God for that.

Not that I believed any of that nonsense. Just didn't want you to worry,

Margaret. Night, all. See you tomorrow.

Oh, I'll be dead by Christmas.

Good night, you guys.

Congratulations. That falls to Lam, not pregnant.

Yeah, she might be now, though. Hoo -wee!