Original subtitles

Valco. Serves you right. I've prepared something.

I think you should just stop that. Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to

biscuits. Red hot tails.

Loads of two for one. The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Serves with a smile.

Friendly staff. Always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way. Tick. Valco.

Serves you right.

Now with that, it's pleasure foods.

Oh, she's here.

Go, go, go, go.

I'm afraid I can't let you in.

Well, don't be doubtful, Ian. I work here now.

Oh, sorry. It's Gavin's orders.

I'm the new area manager.

Yeah, you raise your voice to me again and I'm legally able to put you in a

restraining hold.

Oh, Ian, for goodness.

Fake man.

Gavin? He was meant to say, I can't let you in until we've all given you a great

big Valco Warrington welcome.

And then on cue, the staff would stand up.

No, no, no, not now.

Not now.

Well, that's that room, isn't it?

Thanks, everyone.

Shall we just start again?

All right.

Good morning, Cheryl.

And good morning, Gavin. And I'm sorry I'm late, but my...

boyfriend made me a rather special breakfast in bird oh oh you got a

well i'm devastated uh what's he like oh god

he's amazing and he's very handsome and uh he's got a lovely pair of legs feel

that cycling he does i'd imagine and he's very masterful in the bedroom

we are actually talking about me are we yes yes of course we are

Oh, sorry, shy, isn't it? How long have you been here?

Not long.

Only since opening.

Since 6 .30?

Mm -hm.

Did you not think about asking at customer services?

Um... No.

It's for customers.

I'm staff now.

OK,

good start.

Um... Um, here's my...

required documentation.

I've got GCSE certificates and A -levels. Gosh, how many have you got?

Fourteen. Fifteen if you include psychology, but I just took that one as

I actually just needed your national insurance number to enter you on the

payroll. Oh, I've done that for you already.

You've accessed the Valco payroll? How?

You need passwords, key codes. Or a master's in computer science.

And my mother's maiden name, my first pet, where I was born.

OK. Follow me.

I don't know if I can take any more surprises today, Gavin. Well, this one's

different.

Ta -da!

Goodbye to the guilt lanes of the past. Say hello to the hallway of hell. Oh,

Gavin, it's, you know, it's brilliant.

You think so?

I mean, I know the reps won't like it, but we all know what reps are like.

Charming, handsome, charismatic.

Oh, Duncan, what brings you in?

Again, I hadn't scheduled a meeting.

Oh, no.

Hell no.

This is just a drive -by, a fly -past.

Wanted to give you some of these fudge nuggets.

Incoming.

Deep -fried fudge nuggets. God help us and save us.

And the best thing is, they're sharing size.

Not that anyone does share them. Just means we get to sell bigger bags to fat

kids. So...

How many units of the little moneymaker shall I put you down for?

Well, I'd have to run it past my area manager first.

Oh, Gavin Growerset.

You know those management morons.

They cockblock you at every turn.

Have you met our new area manager, Cheryl Fairweather?

Oh, Duncan Trench.

Pleasure foods.

Delighted. Cheryl Fairweather. Gosh, that really is quite firm, isn't it? Not

the first time a lady's said that to me.

Is that appropriate?

No, not at all, but you'll get used to me.

I can be pretty ironic.

So, stroke of luck bumping into you.

We should hook up. Talk shop.

I'm crazy busy at the mall, but how about now? Oh, well, I would love to,

today's not good. We've got our area manager meeting. Great. Well, today's

for me.

Yet not for me, so... Well, we could make it good. We'll just sort something

for later on in the week, shall we?

Great. Well, I'll be calling you.

I don't doubt that for a second.

So I'm just going to leave you in Gavin's capable.

So, Gavin, what's it going to take to get me in on that meeting?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, never going to happen.

This is strictly in -house balco only. I can't take no for an answer, Gavin.

Well, no is my answer, Duncan.

Well, it's not a word in my dictionary, Gavin.

Oh, yes, it is. No, it isn't. Well, you just said it. No, I didn't.

Does it say, I'm coming in tomorrow, we'll find a taller fist and lose a

Sue, it's your horoscope, not a fairy tale.

You cheeky cow.

Well, you're saying that handsome stranger is coming into your life.

Well, hello there.

Well, you won't see him because Nev will be stood in the way.

Shall I read you yours, Nev?

Ooh, it says here you should shoot for the moon, seize the moment and listen

for opportunity knocking at your door.

Well, see, as my doorbell's been stolen again, I shall be keeping a very keen

ear out for that.

Sue, help me out, would you?

Gavin wants me in on this manager's meeting, and I need somebody to keep an

on things for an hour or so.

So, Sue, this is shy, shy Sue.

Sue Benson, 42 Mariner Gardens, £8 .07 an hour. You what?

Look, I know you've accessed the payroll, but I think it'd be best if you

share this information.

with anyone again, ever.

Do you want me to wipe the system? No, just stay quiet.

Understood.

So, what do you say?

No chance.

Linda?

Neville, this is it.

This is opportunity knocking.

Neville, do it right now. Neville.

I'd be delighted.

OK.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks a lot.

A vulgar!

Sorry, what was that?

That, Subidu, was the sound of Neville on top.

Never let me hear that noise or those words again.

All right?

Right.

Here you are, Daniel, love.

As they say in America, enjoy.

Sorry, Margaret, why are you giving me this?

Well, you asked me to sort you out some food for the meeting, so I've done you

Alan's favourite.

A chicken dinner.

OK, I actually meant food for everyone for the meeting and stuff, you know.

Everyone? Oh, you are a big ding -dong, Daniel.

How am I supposed to cook that many chickens?

Honestly, what are you like?

Hello. Excuse me.

What's that smell?

What smell?

That smell.

Are you wearing aftershave?

Yeah, I might be.

For a manager's meeting. Are you serious?

But there's nothing wrong with making a bit of an effort.

For a manager's meeting, I think that there is.

I've never met such a bunch of losers and freaks. Phil Smith, I'll call

Prescott. Should be on the guest list.

Yeah, just sign in and then head straight through to the team.

See, you've still got the strip lighting from 1996.

I think we binned that in 08.

Installed LED.

Keep up, guys.

OK, you're right, there are a bunch of weirdos.

Hello again, you.

Hey, how are you?

Yeah, really good. Holly, Holly, we met at the Falco team day.

Holly, totally.

Oh, God.

My world seeing you here.

Well, maybe not.

What am I like? We both have a vocal.

Holly,

this is Katie. Katie, Sam.

Holly. Hiya.

Oh, we met at a vocal today.

Yeah, yeah, I heard.

Lovely to meet you.

So I'll see you in there, shall I?

Nice to see you again, Dan.

Yeah, I'll see you in there.

What? Oh, nothing, nothing, Tan.

This is it.

You ready?

When it comes to area manager meetings for mid -level supermarkets in the North

West Island, it's born ready, Gavin.

Go get him, tiger.

Actually, that was a bit lion -y, wasn't it? It's more like a sort of... A

dinosaur.

Hang on. No.

I'll just go get him. Yes, yes.

Oh, there is just one thing. If it's all right with you, perhaps we might not

mention that we're together, exactly.

Oh, oh, right.

Do you understand?

Absolutely, yes. Yeah, well, 100%. Yeah, yeah.

No trouble. Yeah, I knew you'd get it.

Oh, I do, I do. I mean, you're not embarrassed, though, are you?

No. Go on. No, no.

I'd shout it from the rooftop.

Cops? I'm in love with Gavin Strong and I want the world to know.

Just like a Velcro rooftop.

No way.

Are you two at it?

Oh, that's amazing.

I can't wait for the rest of the guys who are doing this.

I just caught Beauty and the Beast.

What's this?

Oh, Gavin.

How's business in Prescott?

Well, not as good as it is in Warrington.

Oh, nice move, that.

Sleeping your way to the top.

What does that make you, Gavin?

A wag.

Well, if wag stands for Warrington and glad, then yes, I am.

to welcome a woman who previously we all knew as the enemy, but has since been

turned, yes.

That's right.

It's your new area manager, Cheryl Fairweather!

Woo! Woo!

Hello,

hello. We're really glad to see you all here today.

You knew Andrew Peach was in the building when I heard an identified

the bagging area, am I right, guys?

While you are with us today, ladies and gentlemen, two brothers in Falco

management, or what I like to describe as a Brian -get -one -free offer.

Honestly, it's like watching Michael McIntyre, don't you think?

Enough of the murder. What I really want to talk to you about today is my

new initiative.

From now on, you, the managers...

will have a direct say in the direction of your supermarket.

Woo -hoo!

Woo -hoo!

Way to go!

Woo -hoo!

Any questions from the floor?

Anyone? Yeah. Oh, good, good.

Duncan Trench, Pleasure Foods.

I don't know... No, Duncan, I don't think I could have been any clearer.

please, get out.

Anyone need fudge nuggets?

On your way. Go on.

Here is the log.

How much food do you need?

This is for a school camping trip, if you must know.

Oh, really?

And where are these kids camping?

In your dog.

And this young lady is Lisa.

Lisa, we at Valco Management are pleased to introduce a new recruit.

This is Shy.

What are you on about? We?

A massive bell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Banter.

Haven't you heard? Been made manager for the day. Yeah, right. As if Katie would

leave you in charge.

Well, she didn't want to, but she was forced into by the ladies at Customs and

Cleverities. I wouldn't say forced, exactly.

I would.

Because she was.

Right, well, if you're manager, prove it. Move me to the five items or less

still. Fine.

Be my guest.

Sorry, love.

You and your imaginary kids will have to pitch up at a new till. I'm off five

items or less now.

Manager's orders.

Oh, great idea.

Get into the biscuits first.

Oh, so yummy.

Sorry, do you want one?

No, you're all right, thanks.

Vicky's bloke me. Oh, dear.

So, um, how do you know Dan, then?

Oh, um... We work together.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I like gay.

Blonde alert.

You brunette.

I always forget about that.

So, has Dan, has he got a girlfriend?

Oh, I don't think so.

Awesome. Oh, we just had this real connection the first time that we met,

then he went and got me breakfast in the morning, and I was like... Hello, Kiva.

Really? Yeah.

See, I think it's always hard to tell when you've only been with them for,

a weekend, cos you don't really know them that well. Yeah, I know, but I

I got this funny feeling in my tummy when I saw him again. Oh, did you? Yeah.

It's probably all them Choccy Vickys, then.

What's with the doors, Ian? Oh, don't get me started on the bloody doors. I

Gavin they've been playing up for weeks.

Well, I'm your manager now, so step aside if you would. This sort of

I could get behind.

OK, shy, I want you to pop outside and then walk towards the doors like you're

customer.

Um, male or female?

Entirely up to you.

OK.

I think I'll stick with male, cos these are the only clothes I've brought with

me today. OK, good. Good decision.

Now, slowly walk towards the doors. Oh, this is more like it. A man of action at

last. Well, you've got me as your wingman, your trusty steed, your man

for as long as you... Oh, erm... Oh, I think I might be needing a

hand here, Ian. No chance.

You're on your own, mate.

Hello, Neville manager?

Yes, just... Don't do that. No, don't do that.

So, does anybody have any questions?

Anybody?

Yes, Gavin Strong, Warrington branch.

Oh, as if she didn't know.

Carry on, please, Gavin.

Yes, so, Warrington, we're hoping to launch a healthy eating initiative.

Sorry, a healthy eating initiative?

Yes, yes, and I was hoping to encourage our customers to adopt a healthier

lifestyle. Right, and why is that? Is that because you're their mum?

No, no, it's just that we, you know, we should all...

Think about what we eat.

Right, and are you also going to tell our customers to put on a coat and clean

their teeth?

He could tie their laces.

He could wipe their... No, no, the real reason that I want to give you guys the

initiative is not to create Gavin's nanny state so much as just to try

new. You know, like when you tried spiralising vegetables. I think you'll

that we're still eating pasta, as predicted.

Says the man who thinks that muesli is a special breakfast.

Well, you know, perhaps if someone wasn't such a grumpy pants in the

then we might have time for a more substantial breakfast.

Yeah, well, perhaps if that someone got a better night's sleep without someone

else keeping her awake because his nose whistles, she'd be in a better mood in

the morning.

That's rude.

Now, are there any more questions?

No goji berries in that music. No goji berries. Anyone other than Gavin?

Yes, Phil, let's hear from you, shall we? Um... What a hell of goji berries.

Everyone, just stay calm.

Would it help if I went to Morrison's?

God,

Neville, what have you done?

That's typical.

Straight off playing Neville when you don't know the facts.

Whose fault is it, Neville? It's mine.

Thank you.

Maybe we should do an announcement and tell everyone not to panic. No, please

don't do that. They'll hear us in the canteen. Right, you can sort this,

Neville. It's not like the place is on fire or anything. Barker's on fire.

Why, God, why?

Today I'm all...

I'm the only one who gets to clap, Neville.

Pull yourselves together, Neville.

Falco's knocked on fire.

You're right.

Try a time I managed on my own, damn it.

It's in my stars.

Seize the moment.

Out of the way, I'm coming through.

Go on, Neville.

Next to my toe.

Next to my toe.

Anyway,

so I turned to you, Brian, endlessly handed him a tissue and said, that gives

whole new meaning to the phrase self -service.

Hello?

Hello?

My friend Maureen is having a hip replacement today.

Right. Sorry to hear that, Margaret.

Oh, don't be.

It's not true.

Oh, so she's not having a hip replacement?

Yeah, she is, but not until Thursday. I made that bit up, like they told me to.

Oh, you again.

Come back to get some more food for the school kids, have you?

No, actually.

They've come back to get it themselves.

And they've all got exactly five items each.

Oh, come on!

What? This is childish.

Leave the shop for one hour and look what happens.

Lisa, get back to your own till.

Till's closed.

Managed with it, eh?

Neville, what on earth are you doing?

I'm trying to unleash my potential, you know, show you what I'm made of.

Well, you definitely have done that.

Oh, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

I'm all right.

Let's get you back to the meat cast, eh, Nev? It's probably for the best.

I'm sorry, love.

Gavin. Cheryl.

We need to talk.

You were amazing!

Do you think it worked? Yeah, they totally bought it, the whole thing. I

would. Nobody likes a happy couple.

Oh, no, it was awful being that grumpy with you, but it bloody worked.

Let's just keep today our little secret, eh? No freaking way.

Are you two a couple?

God, Lord, Duncan, for a big man, you're very light on your feet.

You're punching well above your waist, aren't you, Gavin?

Or are you just after his money, Cheryl?

How long you been there?

Oh, long enough.

Now, what say you and me sit down and talk fudge nuggets, eh?

Oh, don't be down on yourself now. Just need to keep it a good go, eh?

Yes, I suppose so.

And us Librans are always quick to bounce back, so... Libra, really?

You read me the wrong horoscope, didn't you?

I might have done.

Sort of bollocks anyway. He probably said the same thing about Libra. Let's

a look.

Libra, some weeks you're better off just staying in bed.

Gosh, you really are very accurate, aren't you? I'm sorry, Nev.

Oh, Daniel.

So, Holly seems nice.

Yeah, yeah, she's cool.

Have you swapped numbers or are you going to become pen pals?

Um, well, actually... Sorry about that. I was just putting my face on.

You can join us if you like.

Yeah, you totally should. Freeze company and all that.

I'm all right. I've left a thing that I have to go and get.

But it was nice to meet you.

OK.

Where are we going?

Beer and a burger.

Goose and yander.

John, what took you so long?

I've got a romantic meal for you to cook tonight.

Oh, have you?

Yes, I hurry up.

My boyfriend's got a beast of a temper on him when he's hungry.

It's still you, Captain. It's still me.