Original subtitles

Valco! Serves you right. I've prepared something.

Can't you just stop that? Don't forget our brilliant... From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale.

Loads of two for one. The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick. Serves you

Valco!

Serves you right!

Now with that, it's pleasure foods.

Oh, dear.

I don't know why I let you talk me into doing that. Oh, that was so much fun,

though, wasn't it? I don't know if head office saw me doing that, they'd drag me

over the cold. Oh, yes, impossible.

You see, you're nothing when we do new stuff.

Cheryl Fairweather, you should be in Isle Nine with the rest of the souls.

Oh, right, well, I'd better hit the road.

Already? Oh, no, I can't go another week without you. Oh, yes, you can.

Now, come on, we both knew this long -distance relationship would be tough,

look at it this way.

A week apart will give you time to get your strength back after yesterday.

Cheryl, people could hear.

Don't let them.

And how many times should you take it?

Four. Before or after meals?

Before. Are you sure?

Yes.

Go on, then, you're ready.

Talk about ladies.

Four. £10 ,500. What do I get for £10 ,500?

That says lose.

Oh!

Hey, there were a woman at local news and she won £10 ,000.

But she lost a card.

So what happened next?

The weather, the one show. Won't they add a man on who could see into the

Right, another one.

Who can have a new coin, please, Brian?

Margaret, you don't need a new coin for every... Oh, all right, then. Here you

go.

Oh, no.

Oh, Alan hates cats.

You haven't won a cat.

I'll come with him before never.

Don't you get the bus in together?

Not anymore.

Can't send him singing to me.

Why? What does he think?

Linda, Linda, I love you, even when you make me blue. Oh, yeah, that'd get him

white -tipped, too. Yeah, now, I take the bus and he walks.

He's only six pounds, he might fix that.

There she is.

Linda, Linda, I love you.

Even when you make me... Keep walking!

Right you are.

Morning. Got your present.

CD player.

You from the 90s? Had to confiscate it from the bakers. A customer complained,

said they caught them listening to porn.

Listening to porn? Listening.

Filthy girls in Rotterdam.

Listener's wives.

Adele. They're just really like Adele. Well, anyway, can you pop that in the

office, please?

Sure. Sorry, I didn't get you anything.

Well... Don't worry, you'll have to give me something later then, won't you?

Oh, God, that feels sexy.

Yeah? What else would you like me to give you?

Egg and chips.

You're kind of ruining the moment a bit there, but bring it back, bring it back.

You love my dippy egg. Oh, I love your dippy egg and my chip. Oh, Neville,

Neville.

Slice that knackered again. Could you just come and have a quick look?

It's actually broken this time. Yeah.

You're not just trying to trap my time.

Oh, no!

Yes!

Don't get me wrong. I love this workplace banter. It's just, this is the

time this month, so please let me out.

But if I let you out, Neville, you won't learn your lesson, will you? So I'm

doing this for your own good. You are so immature sometimes.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Well, I don't know. You'd be surprised what I'm into.

Oh, Pete, absolutely not.

Bakers.

So, how was your weekend with the lovely Cheryl?

Oh, it was great.

I'm exhausted. We had a 20 -mile bike ride on Sunday and then some, well, kind

of fair amounts of other physical activities if you catch my drift.

Ew. I'm sorry, Tony. I've absolutely no idea where that filth came from.

Um, what?

What's the fact?

Well, it's a ridiculous message from our glorious interim leader. He said, look,

the Christmas period was so successful, let's try and make every period that

successful. I mean, the man's an idiot.

So, no news on the new area manager, then?

No, nothing.

It's all pretty slim picking, aren't we?

What about Keith from Stockport? Keith Forrest? I mean, he's good branch, but

he's not area.

Roxanne Lane?

No branch.

Marcus Ford? Branch. And Nathan Pease?

It's branch.

Fast, effective and non -abasive. That's like my sex life.

Nice front of house.

Is it still a policy to have catalogue models on customer services?

As if anyone's stupid enough to go up the lines like that. Wait, you think I

look like a model?

Sure. Do you?

No way.

Do you? Of course she's stupid enough.

Duncan Trench.

New rep from Pleasure Foods.

Single and ready to mingle.

Here to see Gavin Strong?

Here. Have a card.

Give the boss man a bell, will you, love?

Well, I'm here.

Do you do returns? Cos you've taken this guy's breath away.

Bit of retail -based flirting.

Gavin, there's a moron down here to see you.

Shut up! Honestly, you could do music videos.

Though if you came on the screen at my gym, I'd drop the weight.

All 130k.

It's what I bench.

Stop it.

Yeah, please stop it.

Yes, can I help you?

Ah, Duncan Trench. Pleasure food.

Delighted to be your new sales rep. Here, have a card.

Oh, nice. Thank you. Yes, Duncan Trench.

Putting the sales into sales rep.

I'm not sure that that makes sense.

Genius, eh?

Have you noticed anything about the size?

Oh, yes, yes. Very large, isn't it? Quite fit into my wallet.

Exactly. Stands out.

Memorable. Yeah, right.

Now, listen, the thing is that we normally deal with Gentle Ben from

Foods. Is he on holiday?

Yeah, very long one.

Dead.

Car, bus, goodnight.

Still, every cloud, eh?

Meet your new superior sales rep.

Gentle Ben is dead?

I think I need to sit down.

I think I might lean. Yeah, if you don't mind.

Oh! Oh, I won £10!

Oh, Brian, I've never won £10 before!

Don't get too excited. I mean, look how many you've played. There must be 50

-odd there.

£10 won't cover it. It's a mug game.

Don't be silly. These are free.

What?

Scratch cards.

They don't cost money.

Margaret, where did you get the cards?

Well, they were on the kiosk and I thought, oh, they look like a bit of

then I thought, I wonder if Alan will notice if I only put half the mint in

shepherd's pie tonight.

Forget about the shepherd's pie.

Sorry, it's all I can think of now. Look, Margaret, these cards cost two

each. I mean, how many have you played?

Sixty.

That's £120, well, minus the ten you've won. You owe the kiosk till £110.

Oh, that's nearly £100.

Any chance of Pleasure Foods getting some more shelf space?

Oh, no, no, you've got your allocated shelving. Yeah, that could be your

Or you could say yes and be the proud owner of a brand -new second -hand Audi.

Are you trying to bribe me?

No, I'm joking.

Unless you want a bribe, do you want a bribe?

No, I'm joking.

The humour's a very important part of retail, but I think making a joke about

shelf space is very close to the knuckle.

Well, here's the plan. You and me, tour of the store.

You're the lion.

Show me your jungle.

Unfortunately, this lion has a smaller pride.

Lions, tigers.

So, um...

I've got a lot on. That's what I'm trying to say.

Absolutely. I'll look round on my own. You won't even know I'm here.

Dunkin' Trench. Pleasure foods.

Dunkin' Trench. Pleasure foods. Can I have a card?

No.

Mind if I join you?

Lovely Linda.

No. This is my boyfriend, Neville.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Seems nice.

Gabby!

Oh -ho, big lad!

I see he's still keeping you on here, you toe -rag.

Well, they're not fired me yet, her touchwood.

How's Jean?

Well, jealous of all the calls I'm getting from Kate Moss, begging me to

away with her.

Oh, dear, we've been doing this banter for years, and, oh, Biggle, and it's as

funny now as it was then.

He grates still.

Chocolate fizz, what's that?

Oh, it's a fizzy chocolate flavoured juice. Seems very popular.

I'll take one.

Or just the one. It's three for two. I don't know. Why not treat yourself?

Oh, Gavin, you've twisted me arm. I'll take three.

Still got it strong.

Still got it.

I don't understand. Normally when you annoy the bakers, they get their own

Do you remember the time they stabbed Neville?

See, I'm not Neville. They have this thing with me called respect.

There they are, the lovebirds.

Not lovebirds.

Not what it looks like here.

Oh, you look so pretty together.

How do you even get your legs up there?

Wait, that's not ours.

Someone's photoshopped our heads on there.

Bacon. Where did you get this?

There's loads of them all around the store.

This one's my personal favourite. It's a bit more tasteful than some of the

others. I've got to say, Daniel, you look exactly like I imagined you would

naked.

OK. You do aisles one to eight and I'll do the rest. What was that thing you

said about respect?

Bigger problems, Daniel.

Eight sausages, 20 bacon and a foot of black pudding.

Cracking. Well, that'll put lead in your pencil. I'll need it. Supposed to be

going on a dirty weekend with Angelina Jolie.

Everything all right there, big lad?

Fine. Fine.

It doesn't look all right.

I'm fine. It's just my chest.

I think we need to get you some help. No, it's good.

It happens sometimes.

I'll just have a lie down.

I think he's having a heart attack.

If he does die, Gav, can we have the day off?

You really should go to hospital.

I'm fairly sure you had a heart attack.

It was a turn. I have them all the time. You need to take better care of

yourself.

But it's no wonder. I mean, look at all this processed food and sugars.

It was all on offer.

Yeah, well, you need to have some nutrition, too.

Look, here's an idea. Why don't you swap these toffee apples for apples?

Apples? Is there any toffee in them?

No. No chance.

I feel terrible.

Gavin, I'm fine. I've never been fitter.

Just ask Beyonce.

I was up all night wrestling her to death.

No, no, that's gone too far, Big Len. I mean, banter's one thing, but that was

blue. Sorry, Gavin.

Cheryl? Gavin, hi.

Big Len, Cheryl, Cheryl, Big Len. Cheryl. Big Len. Cheryl. Gavin. What are

doing here? Have you left the iron on again? Yes, but it's not about that. I

driving to Dudley, I was on the M6, and I was nearly at Stafford Services. The

one with the big SO? Yes, I always think it's a big show, but you're right, it

is a big SO.

Is all this detail necessary? Sorry, I'm babbling, and it's just so amazing.

Anyway, I've got a call.

And I couldn't wait to tell you the news, so I did a U -turn and I came

back. You did a U -turn on the M6? I know, people were not pleased, but I

had to tell you.

They've offered me the area manager job.

Who? Where?

Falco.

Here? I didn't tell you I'd apply in case I didn't get it, but isn't it

No more Dudley, we get to see each other more.

Yeah, well, you'll be my boss.

Well, that's all right, isn't it? I haven't accepted the job yet. I thought

talk it through properly tonight, but isn't it great?

Yeah, it's great.

There we go, sir. Have a lovely day. I think that's all of them.

Oh, nice on you two.

Says it's fair dues for managing that. Me and Lisa, we've tried to have a go. I

broke my collarbone.

It's not on.

I have to say, Daniel, you look exactly how I always imagined you would, naked.

everyone stop saying that? Like, what's everyone getting so worked up about?

Yeah, okay, you took a couple of dirty pictures.

Me and Lisa, we do that all the time. You should see my camera roll. Trust me,

you really shouldn't. Katie, Daniel, quick word. As head of security, I can't

have you putting these up around the store. No, it's not us. Don't get me

they're impressive.

Yeah, not us, guys.

And if we were a supermarket in Germany, they'd be fine. They love their muck

over there.

True, Dad. They really do.

It's like trying to explain to cats, it's not us. Like, I am shredding these.

Daniel, give the radio back to the bakers. What, and admit defeat?

What?

Quite fair point.

Daniel, by the way, you look exactly how I've always imagined you to look naked.

It's not enough, Brian. It's okay.

It's not okay.

What's Gavin going to say when he finds out?

Margaret. Margaret?

You're fired.

Margaret, don't worry. Don't worry. We can fix this without Gavin needing to

know. We just need to buy a few more scratch cards and I'll win you the

But you said scratch cards were a muck's game. They are.

Unless you've got a foolproof winning system.

Oh, that's a shame.

No, no, I was saying that I've got one.

It was happily implied then, Margaret.

Ah, I love you all.

I've given the radio back to the bakers.

A stern warning not to listen to poor men there are customers around.

Oh, those bakers really are animals.

Any news on the new area manager?

Actually, yes, yes. The head office have offered the job to Cheryl.

Wow. That's great.

Yeah.

You, um, don't seem pleased.

Can I, uh, can I be candid with you?

On a personal level, you know, man to man.

Yeah, sure.

Obviously, you know, Cheryl's great at her job, but it's a big step up to, you

know, be seeing each other at the weekends, to, you know, suddenly to be,

know, working, you know, every day with your lover.

Uh -huh.

What if it changes everything?

I mean, take me and you, right? Now, we work because it's professional and not

sexual. But you don't fancy me.

Oh, no, no.

No, don't mean that, Daniel. No, I mean, you're a very good -looking man and

those eyes.

No, but, no, I feel we're getting a bit of a message here. Cheryl's been your

boss. Yeah, workplace relationships, you know, they're tricky bees.

If you find the perfect person, don't let the job get in the way. Sure, you

might have said that, you know, you'd just be friends, but, you know, things

change.

Just to clarify, we're not still talking about me and you, are you? No, no,

um... Sorry, excuse me, there's... something I need to do.

I knew you and Daniel were doing it.

Proper filthy and all.

You know, some of this stuff, even Colin won't do. That's not us two, all right?

Me and Daniel are just friends.

We benefit.

Sexy disallowance.

There's nothing going on with me and Daniel. Well, come off it. You're all

each other.

Lisa, just shut up.

There's nothing going on with me and Daniel. We're friends. We work together.

That's all that I want from him. And if that changes, I'll let you know, OK?

Don't bite.

Not you too, Brian.

Quiet. I need full concentration.

Brian's got a foolproof system. Except he's not working.

Guess he's not idiot -proof, then.

Duncan, you're... still here.

If by still here you mean on fire, guilty as charged.

Er, yeah, erm, I think you should go.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Keep my powder dry.

Come back tomorrow, maybe the day after.

Really get a feel for the store over a prolonged period. That's absolutely not

what I'm saying.

Of course it's not.

I'll see you tomorrow.

That's one.

Oh, I can't watch.

I'm so nervous.

Oh, please, it's a winner.

One box to go.

Yes!

It's a winner.

£110 exactly.

Oh, Brian.

Oh, it worked. Oh, your system worked.

I'm going to go and ring Alan and tell him everything's OK.

Oh, and I'm going on up about the mince in the shepherd's pie.

That didn't win.

I know.

Couldn't let her down. I'd better get to the cash machine, get her money out.

You're all right, Gavin. You've been staring at that for ages.

Chocolate face.

Yeah, it's nice. Tastes just like chocolate, but fizzy.

Look at all this stuff we're pushing.

Sugar butter bites, triple chocolate muffin cluster bombs, pizza in a can.

It's not very healthy.

A customer could have died today.

Yeah, I thought she was stealing. It was a little rugby tackle. She's fine.

What? I'm talking about Big Len. What are you talking about? Nothing.

Gavin, see they're still keeping you on. What the hell are you doing back in

here? The last thing you should be doing is stocking up with more junk food.

I'm not, look.

Carrots.

Look, look for hummus.

Apple apples.

Your wife sent me back in to get some healthier food after what I told her

earlier and what you'd said.

Oh, that's great news.

Well done, big lad.

Aren't you so right?

I'd better run.

I've got a hot date with a lingerie model tonight.

Oh, you big man.

Oh, you big mad liar.

Oh,

it's really lit a fire under me. I made a morbidly

obese man buy carrots voluntarily.

I love it when you get all Jamie Oliver.

Say, Pocker.

No, no, I can't. It's not even a real word.

Still, I'd love to push this healthy eating thing. Can you imagine a

full of medium lambs and not big lambs? You know, you should just go for it.

Yeah, I would, but I need permission from my area manager, Cheryl

Really?

I thought we were just going to talk about it later. What is there to talk

about? You should take it. You'll be the best area manager ever.

Oh, I'm just so... Glad you support me.

I did kind of say yes anyway, but it's just good to know that you agree.

Oh, yeah, I'm happy to serve on to you.

You've been strong, you saucy bugger.

No, I didn't mean to complicate it with... I mean, I do prefer being below,

but... It's all right, Gavin, it's all right. I'm just pulling your leg. Just

breathe, breathe.

Don't touch me, don't touch me.

Excuse me.

Yes, Charlotte, I shall be with you in a minute.

Can I help you at all, madam?

I've got you something to say, thank you.

Scratch cards?

Well seen as your system's foolproof.

That's practically money.

Thanks, Margaret.

Let's forget about the restaurant and go straight to the hotel room.

Bloody hell.

See you tomorrow.

See you, mate.

Bye later.

Bye later.