Original subtitles

Heard something.

I think you should just stop that now. Valko!

From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dales.

Loads of two for one.

The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valko tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. I love the Valko

Tick serves you right.

Valko serves you right.

Whatever.

Right,

that's enough of that, thank you.

Get down.

Right, focus, please. Focus, please!

We've got a very big day ahead of us. I need you all pulling your socks off.

Not literally, Margaret.

Now, today isn't just Christmas Eve.

Today is Black Christmas.

All those electrical items will be reselling at 80 % off.

The customers will tear each other apart.

We could be a birdbath.

Neville's only just out of hospital from Black Wednesday. Yes, it still hurts

when I turn.

Like that?

Ow!

Will you all please concentrate?

Now, this is going to be a very big day for all of us. Now, Heather is just

putting out the last of the sales stop now, so we can all synchronise our

watches, please. The doors will open in 30. That is three zero minutes' time.

Well, hang on. You haven't told us what we're doing for the Christmas party yet.

There will be no Christmas party this year.

What? All Christmas bonuses. You can thank Louder for that and for a lot of

other things, too. What? That's totally out of order.

Well, you're not here to have fun, are you? This is a supermarket, not the

Vengables.

because of what me and Colin did at the last one. We've already offered to have

the carpet steam cleaned.

Mm -hm.

Now, listen, this is not all bad news.

Valco is giving you the opportunity to work a time and a half if you volunteer

to come in tomorrow and help with the Boxing Day sale preparations.

Christmas Day? Are you having a laugh?

Well, nobody's forcing you. Personally, I think I'd take the extra money ahead

of all this Christmas nonsense.

That will be all.

What of Scrooge?

Can't be easy working with a broken heart. There's nothing wrong with his

It's because he's not getting any. That's why he's being mardy. Oi, what do

reckon, Neville?

Hmm? Ow!

Ha -ha!

Oh, yes!

Oh, just a girl I was looking for. I need to ask you something. Yeah, I think

know what you're going to ask. So before you do, there's something that I'd like

to say.

I can't go out with you. Oh, look, um... Just hear me out. I know how this is

going to go. I've been here before.

A bit of flirting at work, a few drinks at the pub, and then before you know it,

one thing leads to another, and I think we just should stop it now and just be

friends. Right, um, that's not actually what I was going to say, um... Wasn't

it? No, I was actually going to ask if you could arrange for me to get a pay

advance.

Right, that is T minus 15 minutes and 28 seconds, so you can just stop chatting

to each other and focus.

We're here to make some money.

I won't wait until he's in a better mood, then.

Maybe next August.

Right, how's it looking out there, Ian?

They've been queuing since 5am.

I don't think we should open. Some of them are starting to look really mental.

Good, good. As long as they've brought their wallets.

Now, I know it's not strictly legal, but I managed to get hold of some pepper

spray in case things turn nasty.

Pepper spray? I say pepper spray. It's actually fabric freshener, but they

know that.

Sir, I really don't think that'll be necessary. Ian, what on earth are you

wearing? People do strange and violent things when presented with a bargain,

Gavin.

Is that some sort of bulletproof vest?

No, this is my nephew's boy with the aid.

But it's better than nothing, right?

Yes, I suppose, sir.

Gavin Strong.

Yes.

Sorry, was I expecting you? Gosh, no.

Head office just asked me to pop in, introduce myself, say hello, et cetera,

cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And you are?

Didn't I say?

Honestly, what am I like? I'm Frank.

Frank Uttur.

Pleasure to make yours.

And how can I help you, Frank? Please, call me Frank.

I'm from Logistics Management.

As you know, this is a key day for all of us. And we just need to check that

we've managed the ratio of produce flow to customer intake properly.

Oh, OK. Do you want to see some data or something?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm much more hands -on than that. Street level,

you like. I'll just be watching.

Making notes.

You won't even notice I'm here.

Invisible. False.

OK, well, listen, the office is through there. If you want me, I should be

through out here onto the shop floor.

Now, if you... Frank?

Frank?

OK, now, five minutes to opening, people. Can we just shake a leg?

Not literally, Margaret.

Our first Christmas together, just you and me. Don't worry, Eagle Piggle, just

because I don't have an oven doesn't mean there won't be turkey.

Have you booked us, John?

Oh, I didn't think of that.

Next best thing, though, boil in the bag, turkey dinner. It's amazing what

they've come up with now.

See you in a bit.

Yeah.

God, they're going mental out there.

Talking of mental, boiling the back turkey dinner. Are you seriously going

Neves for Christmas?

I have to, don't I?

My mum won't let me back in the house after what happened with the candle.

Can't blame her. I wouldn't have him round if he burnt my hair off.

It was an accident.

Right, last chance to change until rolls over, please.

Doors will be opening in five, four...

Jesus, Gavin, I'm not ready for this.

Three. They look feral.

I need backup.

Nonsense, Ian.

Calm down.

It'll be fine.

Now, let's just get these doors open.

Three, two, one.

Welcome to the...

another juice and we've already got one. It's 80 % off.

I

can't

believe Gavin's got me doing this.

I wanted to get a professional Olympic, having said it costs too much. I look

like an idiot.

Yeah, you do.

You look great.

He looks great, does he?

Well, when are you going to accept it, Katie? He's chosen me. He's not

interested in you.

My baby, I'm flattered, but you've got to remember, I'm with Lisa now. You have

to get over me.

I've never been under you. I have.

Yeah, you have. Come here, my girl.

Right, both of you, get in the grotto.

What do you mean, both of us?

You're Santa's little helper.

You've got no way I don't do dressing up, not since that rubber nurse thing

Colin got us. Yeah, charity shop, four quid. I'm still chasing from that.

That meat thermometer's never been the same since.

Well, it's either you get on the tills or get in the grotto.

Yeah,

fair enough.

Right, children, who's ready to meet Santa?

Ho, ho, ho.

So, what's Alan getting for you this year, then, Margaret?

Oh, I'm not telling.

Sounds intriguing.

Well, you've got to promise not to laugh because it's a bit embarrassing.

OK, I promise.

It'll shock you, I'm telling you.

Shock me?

I've asked him for a threesome.

A threesome?

Well, I know he's daft. at my age, but it's something I've always fancied. Is

it? And we only passed this way once, Brian, so what the heck, I say, who

what the neighbours think?

And what did your Alan say when you asked?

Oh, he was delighted, yeah. He said he'd always wanted one. So that's his

present sorted.

Threesome.

Okay, Margaret, I want you to run me through, in very basic terms, what

you think...

A threesome is.

Well, it's one of them baby grows for grown -ups, isn't it? No.

No, that's a onesie, Margaret. A onesie, not a threesome.

Oh, what's a threesome then?

Oh, well, we'll talk about that once you've called Alan to explain.

Off you go.

That's it.

Quite quickly.

Listen, as long as she's spending money, she can do what she likes. Now, get

yourself to the loading bay. There's a whole cage of stock that he's putting

out. Please, don't make me come back out here. Heather. You don't know what it's

like. Heather, you don't want to keep them waiting.

Yes, Gavin.

You're right, Gavin.

Hey, Gavin, have you got something? Hush, hush.

Listen, relax.

What? It's a lot of money in the pills. Don't you just love it?

Yeah, great.

So, anyway, I was wondering, is there any chance I could possibly get an

on my pay? I wouldn't normally ask. It's just my brother Tim has been ill,

and... Yes, I'm afraid that's not going to happen.

If I say yes to you, then I have to say yes to everyone.

No one else is asking. Yet.

But what I will do for you, seeing as you need the money, you can work

I think you'll find it easier to get the others on board.

They'll be your part of the team.

Great.

Nice move, Gavin.

Well, it wasn't really a move of sorts. Take the autonomy out of the situation

and management's a doddle. I like it. I like it!

Hello, Gavin.

Julie Cook as I live and breathe.

Happy Christmas!

It looks exactly the same.

Oh, the hours we used to spend in here, Gavin.

The occasional battle.

Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.

That's not quite how I remember it. I wish you'd given me a call, Julie. I

have done a thing.

Oh, Gavin, that would have sported the surprise.

Anyway, it's just a flying visit.

Drop this in.

Oh, honestly, you shouldn't have.

I'm amazed that, here, you've got time to step out from witness today.

Oh, I've taken a job share.

All work and no play makes Julie have a minor mental breakdown and sit in her

car for a week eating crisps.

Really, I've used a lot of sellotape on this.

Also, this job share allows me to spend more time with... Simon. Oh, yes, Simon,

you say?

My fiancé.

Oh, two of us.

Wonderful news.

He's the North East rep for Nestle. You might have met him.

Simon Week.

Oh, yes, I think I have. He's about my height, my sort of hair.

That's him.

And the same crystal blue, blue eyes like a moonlit lake that you just want

dive into naked and swim forever.

Well, I suppose at least in his line of business, you'd have a shot of it.

Kit Kat, I'll tell you. So that's good, isn't it? There you go.

Ah, Valco Christmas is past.

Oh, well, what a lovely gesture.

Oi, Santa.

Wake up.

Ah.

What do you want?

iPad.

An iPad.

I haven't even got an iPad and I'm like, what? 20 years older than you. So?

So if anyone deserves an iPad, it's me.

He has to watch David's on his phone.

Seriously, mate, you lose so much detail. It's like, whoa, I have to

to see anything.

Give me something from that bag there.

Are you listening to this, Lise? You are bang out of order, mate. Come here,

then. Come here. I'll give you something from the... There's your iPad.

Mum! It's just unbelievable. You know what, Lise?

Go and get me a bag of charcoal briquettes.

Right. Santa's just got himself a Northie list.

Oh. Am I on it? Oh, do...

some album -worthy pictures at tonight's party.

We're not doing that this year. Oh, Gavin, you used to love the Christmas

Yes, well, this year we thought, I mean, well, look at these pictures. How many

hundreds of pounds have we wasted on these parties?

Sorry, I didn't mean to, Julie.

Good to see you, Julie.

Looking so happy.

I am.

I really am.

Anyway, I'd better get a move on.

Gavin, Simon's waiting for me in the car outside.

Take care, Gavin Strong.

I need to, Julie Cook. Or should I say, the future Mrs Week.

You'll find someone, too.

I heard about Cheryl.

Yeah, we just reached a department.

How did you know?

I follow Margaret on Twitter.

Margaret, really?

Some of her posts are quite shocking.

Anyway, it's been really lovely to see you, Gavin.

Gavin?

Oh, sorry, what was that?

Just promise me you'll take a good look at some of these pictures.

Will you have a moment?

For heaven's sake, Julie, it's Christmas Eve. Why do I want to start digging up

the past now?

Just take a look.

And you'll see.

I'll have them a hat, by the way. Looking good.

I'll have my special hair, dear.

See you later.

Oh, hello, Julie, love.

Hello, Margaret.

Look who's back.

Oh.

Me.

I've been gone for nearly two years, Margaret.

I wouldn't call bragging about long breaks, love. Not today.

Gavin's in a terrible mood.

Oh, right. Well, thanks for the tip.

Oh, thanks for the retweet, by the way.

Cheryl Fairweather. Hello, Gavin.

I hope you don't mind me popping in now. I'm sure you're busy, but I was just

passing, so... No,

I wasn't.

Not at all, actually. I just came here on purpose to see you.

Sorry I haven't called for a bit. Oh, God, no, don't worry about it. I know

it's like. It's been such a busy quarter.

So...

What are you up to tomorrow? You got plans with the family?

Or the new girlfriend?

Made plans with her?

Probably, I'd imagine.

No, there's no plans. There's no new girlfriend.

Oh.

As a matter of fact, we're working tomorrow.

Prepping for the Boxing Day sale.

Really? Tomorrow?

Wow. And I thought Louder worked as hard at Christmas Day.

And you're going to let them do that?

Well, what choice do I have?

Well, just say no.

Tell them you think everybody has the right to take Christmas Day off. Tell

you're not a machine.

Tell them anything.

Yes, of course you want to. Oh, no, no, of course I don't want to, but it's

what's expected.

Now, I'm the one doing my work, and what thanks do I get? I just get nothing.

Well, these ingrates, they're just looking after themselves.

Kevin.

happened to you?

I've just got my priorities straight. That's all. That's what's happened.

And God forbid I should try and run the supermarket properly.

Anyway, I should go. I just popped in to say happy Christmas.

It's good to see you again, Gary.

Oh, turn around. Turn around.

Tell me I'm being crazy. Turn around.

Ta -da!

Look who's been shopping to make tomorrow the best Christmas ever. Ah,

you got?

A fold -out chair, so we can both sit down to dinner. And I got the sense you

weren't keen on the boil -in -the -bag turkey, so turkey burgers and a

disposable barbecue to cook them on.

Great.

That's great, that. A barbecue indoors, you'll get carbon monoxide from that. No

threat of that at mine, Sue, we do?

Never. call me that. I've got plenty of ventilation. I've only got half a roof

at the mouth.

Word to the wise, never pay a contractor up front.

Still, things be looking up now.

Mate, I can't do Christmas in that room.

Do you think it'll break his heart if I go to my mum's? Probably, but would you

rather break his heart or eat turkey burgers in the freezing cold?

Break his heart.

Guess who?

Oh, I don't know.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just thought I'd pop in and say hello.

And all right, I couldn't resist.

I'll show you this.

Oh, Lizzie Duke. Oh, the thought.

No, Katie, this ring probably costs more than you'll ever earn in a year.

Is that Julie Cork?

Well, it is, you know.

She's engaged.

Oh, my God.

He's a lucky fella.

He's called Simon.

Oh, go on, show us a photo.

Quite a looker, don't you think?

Isn't he, Jo?

I guess everyone's got a type.

Yeah, but Gabby? Say, he's Neville's bird.

So, Katie, how's your love life?

Not still mooning after work, colleagues, I hope.

I'd rather not talk about my love life, I hope. Oh, good for you.

And where's Colin and Lisa?

I wanted to tell them well done in person.

They were great on Jeremy Kyle.

They're in the grotto.

Oh. This year, Colin is, um, Father Christmas.

around here.

No Christmas do.

Calling us Santa.

No secret Santa.

I can't believe how much this place has changed.

It makes me think that perhaps I was actually the fun one at Valco

No, it wasn't that. It's just that Gavin's gone mental since he's had his

broken. By me?

Don't be daft. By that Cheryl.

Oh, good.

Just as long as it wasn't me.

Because I've got Simon now.

Great to see you all.

You too.

Bye. Bye. See you.

Look at my ring, everybody.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'll sleep here if I have to.

Yeah. Sorry, kids.

Santa's got to eat.

Er, where do you think you two are going?

Lunch, and you'd better not be trying to stop me. Seriously, Katie, you don't

want her blood sugar levels dropping.

Me girl, she go cray -cray.

I'm not stopping you from going to lunch, but Santa, he's got to stay.

Oh, what, so you can have him all to yourself?

How many times, Katie? He's not interested.

Yeah, take the hint, girl.

He's out of your league.

Aye, I'm not interested in Colin. I cannot shut the grotto with a cue like

Oh, Lisa, go to lunch. Colin!

See, that's it. Me and you, Katie, never going to work. Why?

You're too fiery.

What are you looking at?

So weird. That woman over there called you Colin.

Is that your real name? Colin? Santa?

Yeah, Colin Christmas.

Whatever. Wow, Colin Christmas.

I thought I knew everything about Santa, but I didn't know that.

Look.

Kid, don't say this the wrong way. Your voice goes right through me. So you're

going to have to shut up or I'm going to have to hit you.

OK. Bye, Santa.

Look at that!

They've taken everything!

There's the juicers, the toasted sandwich makers, the cake pop makers. I

even know what a cake pop is!

You've done very well, Gavin.

Marco are going to be very, very pleased with you.

Hang on a minute.

They've taken some of the actual shelving.

No, that is not... Ian, Ian.

Yes, Gavin?

Look, they've actually taken some store property. Now, I really think it is time

that we set up the CCTV feed into my office. As I was saying to Frank...

How does he keep doing that?

Right!

Already, you stay out of my front garden unless I call you in.

Okay?

Okay. Right, now where's Lisa?

Is there an elf?

She doesn't seem like a very good elf to me.

Yeah, well, she's got other talents, man. She's got a cracking part. Yeah,

matter. Forget about that.

Santa, can I be an elf? I'd love to be your elf. I could help you.

Right.

If I let you be an elf, will you please shut up?

Of course I'll show up. I'll show... Get that right.

Come on, then.

Santa? I told you to shut up.

OK. Sorry, Santa.

Oh, bloody hell, you nearly gave me a heart attack.

I'm not going back out there. It's horrible.

All the customers are horrible, and they made Christmas into something horrible,

and Gavin said I had to, but now he's gone horrible too, so... Stop, Gavin!

Whoa, whoa, easy, tiger.

Right, what's your plan, then? The same plan that got me through lower sixth.

Keep a low profile, don't hide in one place for too long, and we into a bottle

of alcohol fizz.

Why? It has a wider opening, makes aiming easier.

But you can't do this all day.

Sooner or later, you're going to need a dump. And I don't see an empty margarine

tub back there.

I hadn't thought of that.

Come on, come to the canteen. You can buy us lunch.

All right.

I haven't actually got any money, though.

What? You offered.

Gavin Strong.

I can take you anywhere you want to go.

I will show you everything that is happening in the very present.

You've still got your torch on?

Oops.

Right, I'll finish setting this up.

Clearer now?

Or now?

Yeah, now.

So, basically, this will take you anywhere you want to go in store, apart

the bogs, cos the world's gone PC mad.

Um... How about the canteen?

Yeah, but you're not going to catch many shoplifters in there now, are you, Gav?

Now, Valco suffers other fraudulent behaviour, Ian.

Then I will take you on a journey to the canteen.

Take my hand, Gavin.

Here we go. People taking too long on their breaks cost us an extra two

pounds per year in lost revenue. Now, listen, just turn up the volume and

do a head count.

Anyone sitting here?

No, go ahead, mate.

Thanks, mate.

So, what did Gavin say about your advance?

No, big fat no.

But it's all right, he's been very generous and he's allowing me to work

tomorrow, so... No.

God, I mean, I know it's getting worse, but this is just taking the mick.

It used to be fun to work for.

That is bang out of order, Katie.

They can't hear you, Gavin.

It's the one -way audio feed. You can get a two -way model. Waitrose have got

it. It's awesome.

So, I wanted to talk to you earlier, but you was, um, you was with someone.

Oh, what?

Like, um, a girl from one.

And a sister?

Oh, of course, your sister.

Why? What did you think?

Nothing. Nothing.

Now, come on, you lot. Get your hats on. They can take our party, but they can't

take our Christmas spirit.

Am I right?

Yes. Not Gavin.

I can't believe he's taken away the first party I was ever allowed to go to.

Of course, if every boss cancelled their Christmas party, there'd be a dip in

the population.

Gavin's basically a baby killer, medical fact.

Of course, it does cut out STDs. Swings and roundabouts.

What's wrong with Gavin this year?

We all know what's really wrong with him. Yeah, he's not getting any.

I'm glad I know where I stand.

I thought they respected me.

I thought they liked me.

What does it matter if they like you or not, Gavin?

They're not here to have a good time. This is a supermarket.

Not the Vengabus.

I would like to say a few words about Gavin.

The Grinch who stole Christmas.

But I think that's unfair.

Gavin's been under a lot of pressure this year.

Yeah, he does work incredibly hard.

Yes, he's also had a bit of a bumpy ride in the romance department this year. We

can't all be so lucky in love.

So I'd like you to raise a glass to Gavin, a man who has been there for all

us at one time or another, a man who deserves to have his team behind him now

when he so clearly needs it the most.

Beautifully put.

Quite right, Neville.

So, charge your glasses, please, to Gavin Strong.

To Gavin Strong.

Certainly not the worst boss in the world.

Yeah. Is that right, Neville?

I heard everything.

Gavin, we really mean it. Every word. Dear.

You've just got no idea, have you? No idea how hard it is managing a bunch of

idiots like you.

Steady on, Gavin.

Well, all I can say is I can... I say thank you. Thank you very much.

You've made this a lot easier.

You're all working tomorrow.

But it's Christmas Day, Gavin.

Yes, and it's my supermarket. If you don't like it, you can go and get

job. I'm sorry, Gavin. I simply can't. I made a promise to cook Christmas dinner

for the woman I love.

Well, in that case, Neville, you're fired.

Oh?

Right you are.

OK.

You can't do that.

Just have Linda and anyone else who has joined Neville on the unemployment line.

They just go ahead.

Go on, everyone. Let's just get back to work.

I hate it. You're working tomorrow. You don't have to spend Christmas with

Neville. Oh, yeah?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Ah,

Gavin. Chin up.

You did the right thing.

They left you no option.

I hope you're right, Frank.

I hope you're right.

But I wanted a toy out of that bag.

Yeah, and I wanted a night with Michelle Keegan from Corrie, but it's never

going to happen. She's been very clear about that.

Elf!

What is it, Santa?

Did you give me that bee?

Here you go, Santa.

Wicked. Right, how many kids are left out there?

20, now 21.

Jeez, have they got nothing better to do?

Nothing's better than meeting Santa.

And what about you?

Haven't you got anywhere better to be, anyway?

No, my dad drops me off here in Wake, Paddy Power. They don't like kids in

there.

Right. Do you know what?

Screw that lot out there. Me and you are going to have the best Christmas ever.

Okay? Just you and Santa.

Yeah? Yeah!

Oh, Nev, you'll find another job.

Oh, I don't know. It took me 19 months to find this one.

Oh, this Velcro fist doesn't taste right at all.

I can look after us until you get back on your feet.

Do you know, I don't deserve you, Igglepiggle.

Still, at least with me at home, I'll have time to cook you Christmas dinner

while you're working.

Yeah. I might have to take back the turkey burgers and the barbecue, though,

that money's a bit tighter.

Listen, whatever we have, it'll be amazing.

As long as it's just you and me, I don't care what we eat.

Stop that. You're both coming to mine.

Really? You mean it. I always make too much anyway, and you're my best mate,

you're Neville. But I'd love to have you both.

Oh, me.

I love you.

Oh, get up.

You should be, too.

Seriously, get up.

Thanks for Christmas.

This has been the best day ever.

Really? What, today has?

Totally awesome.

Much more fun than hanging out with my dad.

Oh, I do. Like, it's going to get much better, you know. Just think, like, when

you're older and you're big and you've got muscles, nobody will be able to tell

you what to do.

It's going to get better, trust me.

Cool. Cool, man.

Cool, man.

Hey, we've been waiting here half an hour.

Show up, you minger.

Ha -ha -ho!

Nice one, Eddie.

What did you say?

You did as well, stupid.

Ow! Ha -ha -ha!

Oh, get out!

Oh, yes!

Do you know what, Eddie?

I think you might be the best elf ever. Right, I want you to have all of these.

I can't. Yes, you can. You've worked well harder than me today.

Come on, you're real lazy. All right, you cheeky. Right, go and get me another

beer for that.

Can I have a beer as well? Yes, you can, but nothing more than 4%. Yay!

Oh, yeah.

See you tomorrow, then. Christmas bloody day.

Is the job centre open tomorrow?

I mean, I'd like to get my CV in while the iron's still hot.

I can keep this up for months, mate.

Me too, mate.

Stupid Gavin.

He's made me hate Christmas.

As soon as I get home, I'm taking down my nativity and I'm going to burn it and

bury the ashes.

That's your fault, Gavin.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Ha, ha, ha! Look at that!

Oi, mate.

I have a word with you.

What?

And they'll never find Santa's sleigh again.

All right?

Yeah, all right.

Whatever you say, mate.

Come on, son, let's get you on.

Oh, that's dead sweet, that.

You're welcome for kids, aren't you?

I don't know.

Yeah, I guess.

Maybe we should try for our own.

What, you and me? You have kids?

No!

Think about it. Hang on, think about it.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

It's not right that Gavin's done this, Margaret, and to you of all people.

I'm not too worried, to be honest, Brian.

And I never like cooking Christmas dinner anyway.

Did you get everything cleared up with Alan?

Oh, yes.

He was very disappointed about not getting his threesome, though.

OK. He'd already talked to June next door and she were very keen.

He's starting to come round.

For even he had to admit, it's a bit strange playing golf on Christmas Day.

Oh, thank God.

Let me be frank with you, Gavin.

I wish you would. Please, take a seat.

Thank you. I'm not from Valco Logistics Management Team.

Heck, I don't even know if that exists.

I'm pretty sure it does. It's in the directory. I'm with Valco Black Ops.

Our department's so secret, it doesn't even have a name. Apart from Valco Black

Ops.

Apart from that, I'd be straight with you, Gavin.

Valco know who you are.

Well, I should hope so by now.

I mean, they know you. They know you and they like you, quite frankly. If they

could clone you, they would.

Oh, that's nice to hear.

Unfortunately, it's not legal yet with humans.

They've done the research.

That's a bit sinister.

In the meantime... Here, take a look at this.

Oh, what's this?

I want you to look at the future, Gavin.

Where are all the staff? The Valco of the future doesn't need staff.

Staff just convocate things with their emotions and wanting to be paid. We have

to remove them.

Valco, taking the people out of shopping.

What's happened to Margaret?

Why isn't she wearing a uniform?

Please tell me there's room for Margaret in the Valco of the future.

Of course not.

It's going to process more transactions in less than a minute.

Margaret or a computer?

No, no, no, no, no. Margaret's gone.

But supermarkets need to be staffed by people. Not in the future. It's all self

-service and drones.

It's even part of the new slogan, Falco, taking the people out of shopping.

Cheryl? Ah.

Former loader manager Cheryl Fairweather.

Cheryl Anderson now with her husband Graham.

Graham Anderson?

Argoff's area manager, Graham Anderson, the man's a fool.

They look so happy together, all flushed after their rollerblading.

No!

It's not even a sport!

Why are you showing me all this? I don't want to see any more!

Let's take a look off the shop floor.

Where's Daniel?

You had to fire him, Gavin.

His brother Tim needed an operation on his leg.

Daniel wanted to drive him to the hospital, but you wouldn't give him time

or everyone would start trying it. Is Tim okay?

He developed shin splints. No!

Why are you showing me this?

Surely the side has changed, Frank.

I don't want this future. This on the screen, it isn't me.

It isn't Valko. Valko's about people.

It's about the till staff. It's about the sackers. It's about... It's about

Margaret and Daniel and Sue and Linda and... Yes, and sometimes Colin.

Please tell me it's not too late.

I can change things. I can change.

I don't want this.

I must do something now.

Right. Now.

Oh, hello, Martin.

Yeah, sorry, Mr Shelley. Is Gavin Strong here?

From Warrington?

Yes, listen, Frank Ucce, he must be stopped.

Well, Frank Ucce from Balco Black Ops. He's just showed me all the plans.

You don't?

Well, what about the Jones?

Oh, I haven't had a job.

There's still time.

There's still time.

I must stop all this.

You, boy.

I wasn't doing nothing.

What day is it today?

Uh, Christmas Day.

Christmas Day, you say?

Then it's not too late.

Do you know the little butcher's on the high street in town?

The one with the largest turkey you ever saw hanging out the window.

Closed down ages ago. My bus when Valco opened.

Oh, did it? Oh, pity.

Well, get yourself home all the same. Oh, and stay there, look.

Have some chocolates for your trouble.

Freak. It's not a moment to waste.

Well, this is officially the worst Christmas ever. Oh, just stop banging on

about it. I'm sorry I chose the wrong minion, all right? OK, but you know I

wanted Stuart.

Oh.

Well, Lisa got you a threesome for Christmas, did she?

Right, Lise, how does she know?

I didn't say anything.

Neither did I.

It must have been late in there.

I can't believe he made you come in too, Margaret.

What's Alan doing today?

He's going to wait in the car park.

Oh, there?

Well, he doesn't mind.

He says there's too much Claire Boulding on television this time of year anyway.

Hey.

Can't believe I'm late.

Reverend Richard's really run over.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

Cheryl, it's Gavin here. I just want to apologise for the way I spoke to you. I

do apologise for a lot of things.

I've been such an idiot, Cheryl.

Please, please, give me a ring when you get this.

They're here.

Oh, they're here.

Never what you do in here, Gavin. I've got a mental procedure.

You can't get fired twice.

Well, they're saying that there was this one job.

You're all late.

Oh, yeah, sorry, Gavin. Finding a bus this morning was a bit tricky.

Well, I managed to make it in on time.

Hope you don't think you're all going to get a full day's pay. Right, I've had

enough of this. You, Gavin, are being a right pain in the arse. Well, I'm not

going to stand for it anymore.

Oh. You're all going to get your bonuses.

What? And it's nothing more than you deserve.

Are you feeling all right?

Never better, Katie.

Never better.

How about a drink?

No.

A toast.

To you all. He's gone mad.

No, I've not gone mad. Quite the opposite.

I've gone sane.

Asking people to come in and work on Christmas Day. Now that, that is mad.

I was just wrong about everything.

The Christmas party will be reinstated.

Never again will we miss the chance to get together and celebrate.

celebrate what we really have here, you know?

Each other!

That's so beautiful, Gavin.

That's so bloody beautiful!

Oh, come here, you great, big, soppy bear of a... Gavin,

what about Neville?

Yeah, if only there was a way to turn the clock back on that one.

Just give him his job back. He's right here.

Hello?

Of course you're going to have your job back.

With my sincerest apologies.

Thank you. Come here, young Harry. Let me hoist you upon my shoulders.

You're all right. Let's not get carried away.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, fair enough.

OK, this is just weird now. What?

All this awkward not talking stuff. I thought we were supposed to be good

We are. I got it a bit wrong yesterday.

Do you want to start again?

Deal. Deal.

No more awkwardness.

What?

Or I'm standing underneath mistletoe.

Not that we have to kiss or anything. We're just friends. We don't want to

it more weird.

Or anything like that. Now, there is one other thing.

You lot need to get out of here and get back to your families. What about the

reef stock?

What's head office going to say?

Oh, no, you leave that to me. I just want to say... God bless us, everyone.

Hear, hear, Harry.

Now, off you go.

And have a very, very...

Happy Christmas, one and all.

It's a Christmas miracle. How awesome is this?

Yeah, but he could have just texted us out this morning. Why did we have to

in? Oh, yeah, what a tool. Idiot.

Oh,

Gavin, you've no right to be this happy.

What are you doing here?

Well, I got your message.

And I thought, if Mohammed can't come to the mountain, then the mountain shall

come to Mohammed.

Which probably isn't the best analogy when delivering a Christmas dinner, but

you get the idea.

You brought me a Christmas dinner?

Yes, yes.

The works.

Brussels sprouts, parmesan parsnip, turkey, gravy, bang crackers.

I don't know what to say.

Well, I didn't like the idea of you eating alone.

Or be eating alone.

Basically, I don't like the idea of doing anything without you these days,

Kevin. Oh, Cheryl.

I think we've got something really special here.

And if you feel the same, then I think we should make it work.

I couldn't agree more.

We only get one shot at this, and when I'm on my deathbed and look back, I'm

going to think, oh, I ran a really good supermarket.

No, you are.

That's exactly what you're going to think. And that's okay.

Because it doesn't have to be a choice.

We can have it all.

If that's what you want.

There's nothing I want more.

Just get the lights on.

Frank?

Yeah, it's all right. Come on. Oh, come on.

I'll just let you do the show.

Right,

let's do Christmas.

Yes, come on.