Original subtitles

Heard something.

I think she'll just stop that now. Valko!

From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale.

Loads of two for one. The finest butchers. The freshest meat.

Friendly staff. Always happy to help. Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget

the Valko tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way. I love the Valko

Tick serves you right.

Valko serves you right.

What is that?

You all right, Heather?

Not really.

My mum's been such a F -O -O -L at the minute.

She gave away my dog yesterday without even asking me.

OK. I go to work yesterday, and he's there, hobbling around the house,

And then I come home, and she says, Sorry, Heather, better has gone to live

farm. Oh, well, it's obvious what's happened there, then.

Is it?

No. Forget I said anything.

You have to tell me now.

You're not ready for the truth. Sorry.

I am ready. I'm so ready. I'm nearly a woman. I've got the biggest bike in the

village. I can handle the truth.

All right, then.

There's no easy way to say this.

Your dog's dead.

Actually, that was pretty easy.

What? Yeah, whenever they say an animal's gone to the farm, it means

dead. What about Agassi, my cat?

He went to live on a farm last year. Dead.

Henman, my goldfish?

Are you saying he's not gone to a farm, too?

A goldfish farm?

No, he's dead as well. They're all dead.

Still, at least now you know the truth.

What about my Uncle David?

He went to live on a farm.

Was he ill?

No. Was he a farmer?

Yes.

That's probably genuine, then.

Might want to give him a call, just in case.

There you are. No.

I haven't asked anything.

Yeah, but you're going to.

All right, you got me.

I know it's a pain, but I need you to take FRT for me. Oh, my God, fruit

recognition training.

Sorry, we've too many staff and I've had it.

Great. Five past nine and my day is ruined already.

Let me know if I can do anything to help.

You could kill me.

Yes, but then I have no one to take fruit recognition training.

You can see my problem.

It's like a round cheese toast thing.

What are you on about?

Well... Alan phoned him up and asked for it, and then half an hour later, this

boy turns up with it in a box.

Are you talking about pizza?

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh, we don't normally eat Spanish.

Alan woofed it down.

He burned total rule for his mouth.

Can I borrow Margaret?

Yes.

Margaret, I'm going to need you from 10 for fruit recognition training.

Fruit recognition training?

It's all right. It's just to refresh us, of course, to make sure that staff are

up to date on the exotic fruit. What, a test?

No, I haven't got any pencils.

It's really not that hard.

Oh, no.

Cherry, that's a fruit.

Don't worry, Margaret. Just save it for the training.

Oh, listen to this one. Listen, listen, listen.

Dear sirs, rather than customers carrying separate loyalty cards for

stores, would it not make more sense for all stores to sign up to one

centralised loyalty card?

This supercard could work across the board and be redeemed at all stores.

Yours, my Kai Wickham.

Oh, can't you stop? You make me choke on my yogurt.

Oh, monthly retail letters fade. They don't ever change.

Right, well, I should be getting back.

I'll see you at lunch.

Oh, though I could eat you up right here.

Careful. Probably give you indigestion.

I know about the farm, Mum.

I know they're all dead.

Well, I'd have liked to have gone to Uncle David's funeral, actually.

Katie, my job's boring enough without sitting in a room going, oh, is that

one a banana?

There's no bananas. It's mainly exotic fruit. I don't care if it's Ryan Gosling

with his tackle -out. I'm not doing it.

I hate fruit.

Chocolate orange.

There's no choice.

Oh.

Yeah, well, yeah, I can't actually anyway.

I'm not allowed to leave my chair because I've got a medical condition.

What medical condition?

A private one down there.

Doctor said I have to sit down, so... Just do the training. Yeah, I know my

rights. You can't force me to do anything with a medical condition.

Right.

Get off!

Doctor's orders!

Oh, better women than you are trying to get me off this chair, all right?

Fine.

Stay on the chair.

But if I see you off it today, you'll be on a warning.

You'll be on a warning.

All right. See you.

Oh, Daniel.

Daniel the man.

Daniel the man.

Someone's in a good mood. Ah, you mean me.

Guilty as charged. Gavin Strong, we find you guilty of being as pleased as

Pudge. Oh, dear. Oh, Daddy.

I'm guessing this is something to do with a certain louder manager rather

the coffee initiative.

Well, perhaps.

But a gentleman never... What coffee initiative?

The free coffee.

Sorry, Daniel.

It's like you're talking Greek. What on earth are you on about?

Well, didn't you get the email yesterday from head office?

About the free coffee?

What email?

Oh, it's a great idea. The head office have decided to blow a ladder out of the

water. They're sanctioning us to give away free coffee to the customers.

First I've heard of it.

No, wait, well, it says I've opened my email.

Well, I must have opened it by mistake.

Okay, yeah. What does that mean?

Is it possible someone else could have opened that on your phone?

Of course not. Who?

But you've been spending a lot of time with Cheryl lately.

Yeah, well, she'll read my emails.

No, no, of course.

But we are in competition.

OK, right, you can stop right there, Daniel. There must be a problem with my

phone. I opened it by accident.

Sure, yeah.

Good, because there is a line, Daniel, and you're sailing very close to it,

my... lad.

Yeah, of course, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.

I'm sorry, Daniel. I didn't mean to fly off into one of my rages.

I had no idea there were so many fruits.

I know. I can hardly contain myself.

Right, there's no need to drag this out. If we're quick, we'll be done in an

hour. Would me asking loads of questions drag it out? Yeah.

So... Would I not have to go back to my till? Would you rather have hiccups for

the rest of your life or one big sneeze every day?

I'm not answering any of your questions. Anyone else?

Margaret, can I have the sneeze, please? I don't like hiccups.

Not about the hiccups, about the fruit.

What is fruit?

Like, generally, what is the history of fruit?

Anyone else? Can I have one big hiccup? No, the rules are rules. Right,

everybody shut up, no more questions.

Can anybody tell me what this is?

Someone reaching a new low.

Keeping an eye on the enemy.

Sorry?

Louder. Who knows what that Cheryl will try next?

He's crafty.

Oh, there's nothing to worry about there. It's very much a ceasefire at the

moment. There's no such thing as a ceasefire in war.

Well, there definitely is.

I bet she's got a few more tricks up her sleeve.

You can't trust anyone.

Not in this game, not even yourself.

Why don't you just go on a floor walk, Ian?

Next, what fruit is this?

If we don't know, should we say we don't know or make a name up?

Whatever you think's right.

OK.

Silly apple.

Miss, Miss, I think I need to go see the nurse.

Something's not quite right down there.

Give me the kiwi fruit.

I feel so emasculated.

Right. What are these?

If we don't know this one, should we just... Margaret, I just said what they

were. Well, I missed it. I think I'll just guess.

Furry potatoes.

Right, the results are in. Well done, everyone. You've nearly all passed.

Oh, I'm so pleased.

Oh, I'm not usually very good at tests.

Yeah, Margaret, about that... I'll have to call Alan and tell him. I've passed

Alan. I've passed, I'll say. Yeah, I wouldn't quite... Actually, I'll call

later because he's out with his foot this morning. Margaret.

I'm sorry.

But you didn't actually pass.

I failed the test.

Let's just say you didn't pass.

But, hey, you got melon, right?

Only because I spelt lemon wrong.

Look, don't worry. It's really not important.

There's a woman in here, right, who found out her husband was cheating on

with her own gran.

Could you believe that?

I mean, I've had blokes cheat on me with my mum before, but my gran, oh, she is,

like, 30 years older than me.

Hey, Lisa.

Fancy a chocolate. Angela bought them in for a birthday.

Yeah. Hurry up, then.

You'll have to bring them over here. As you may remember, Katie, I've got a

medical condition, which means I'm not allowed to leave my chair.

Damn it!

You thought I'd fall for that.

Well, you'll have to leave the chair at some point for the end of lunch. I bet

you're starving. I know I am.

A bit peckish, maybe.

I'm not starving.

Good job I've got a snack here, eh? To keep me going.

Enjoy your lunch. Are you all right? I mean, you've barely touched your jacket

potato, and quite frankly, they're even better than normal today.

It's just... OK,

look, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you haven't by any chance

looked at my phone?

What?

I completely understand if you accidentally did. It's just that I got

important message from head office, and I don't remember reading it, and...

I just thought maybe perhaps you read it.

Oh, Lord.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. No, Cheryl, please.

Please don't go. It's my fault. I didn't know what I was saying.

I know you'd never read my phone. It's just this boy has made me paranoid.

I've had a big breakfast and I can't think straight on a big breakfast. Come

Cheryl, let's talk about it.

I really should get back to work.

Goodbye, Kevin.

Pineapple.

Kiwi.

Mango.

Oh, hello.

What are you doing there?

Lisa? Yeah?

What's the code for the mangoes?

I don't know. We just put them through with apples. That's what I always do,

so... Oh, the things you see in this place, honestly.

Would you believe I've just seen a great big spider in with the kiwi fruits?

Oh, no, pineapples. No, kiwi fruits.

Well, it doesn't surprise me. Fruit coming in from all corners of the globe

like a backpacker's holiday for insects.

Oh, a big fat thing it was. All orange.

I've never seen anything like it.

Did you say orange?

Margaret, I want you to think very carefully. Where did you see this

In the fruit and vegetable section.

And how big was it?

Oh, it's very big. It goes all the way up to cereals. Not the fruit and veg

section. How big was the spider?

Oh, about... Yeah.

Was it bulbous? I don't know what's bulbous mean. Round, fat.

Oh, very bulbous.

Then what you've described is no ordinary spider.

It's a false widow.

Oh, is that bad? It's lethal.

Does that mean bad?

How you doing?

You're not still upset about your dog, are you?

No. I've decided I'm not going to get too upset about Federer. He wouldn't

that. I'm getting a new pet instead.

Yeah? What are you going to get?

I'm not sure.

I'm not very good at choosing things.

Or crossing the road.

Well, start at the beginning. What's your favourite animal?

Yogi Bear.

Can you have a pet bear?

Yeah, sure.

If you want your face ripped off.

Oh. What about a monkey?

Monkeys are fine.

If you want your face ripped off.

Well, animals don't rip faces off.

Statistically, not many.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

Don't rush. Take your time. Sooner or later, the right pet will find you.

What about Boo Boo?

Boo Boo?

Rip your face off.

Have you got any spiders in your shopping today?

Margaret, what are you doing?

Oh, Lisa, it's ever so worrying.

There's a very poisonous spider on the loose and it could be anywhere.

A poisonous spider?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

And it's bulbous.

Yeah, I guess I'm meant to panic and jump out my chair and I strive.

I don't follow you.

Look, you can tell Katie. If she thinks I'm that much of an idiot, she can...

Margaret! I think that's the whole message.

Yeah, that's it all. Can't stop. I've got to find a spider.

Um... What was that about?

Flipping Lisa. I've been trying to get her off her chair.

I wouldn't bother. I tried once. She's like a rock. I'm not giving up. She's

going to have to get up at some point.

Well, when you've got to go, you've got to go.

You are a genius.

Gavin, we might have a bit of a problem.

Right. I don't want to worry you, but I think there may be a false widow spider

somewhere in the store.

That's nice.

Don't worry, I've mixed up a batch of antidote, two parts amoxicillin, one

Rennie's. Brian.

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.

Do you ever feel like you've ruined everything?

Your heart could actually break and all you want to do is just sit in your car

and listen to Dire Straits.

Not really, no.

Anyway, this... Spider, wherever he is, and trust me, it is a he, I can feel it,

I will find him. You should have seen the way she looked at me.

It's like she didn't recognise me.

Oh, no, no, it's more accident than that.

Right. It was a look that said, still overgown strong.

Look, I really think I should go and catch this spider before it gets away

kills somebody.

Yes.

Yes, you're right.

You can't let these things get away from you.

If you love something, you've got to fight tooth and nail for it.

Thank you, Bromley.

You're a real pillar.

Yeah, I've been on this chair all day. The whole left side of my arse has gone

numb.

But when I touch it, it's like I'm touching somebody else's arse.

All right, Lisa.

I'm just going to leave this here.

And I know you're probably dying for the loo since you've been sat there all

day.

Doesn't bother me.

Because if you need the loo, all you've got to do is just get up and go.

Oh, fine.

Good.

We've searched everywhere.

I don't think that man was very happy when you tipped him out of his

He'd have been a lot less happy with a false widow spider bag. He'd be dead.

Well, maybe that spider's just decided to call it a day and go home.

Oh, no. If he's not in here, then he's out there in Warrington mocking me.

We're going to have to report it. Let's start with a description.

Orange bulbous body.

Spider.

Expert at evading capture.

Mocking. Yellow wavy bits.

Disrespect for pharmacists.

Yellow wavy bits?

Yeah, they're coming out of its body.

That doesn't make any sense.

Don't move.

Got you.

It's just an expression, Margaret.

Orange bulbous body, yellow wavy bits. Is this, by any chance, your spider?

Oh, dear.

We've just wasted half a day trying to track down a kumquat, Margaret.

No, no, that's not a kumquat.

That's a syphilis. I mean, thisilis. You see, a kumquat.

I did it.

I did it. I recognised a fruit.

I'm not a failure.

Oh, Brian!

It's all right, Margaret.

Dignity at all times.

of this life that you'll speak of.

I never even said your name, Lisa.

How you doing?

Fine.

You have got to be kidding me.

What? I'm not walking, could I?

Doctor's orders.

Fine. I give up. You win.

Give us a push back, will you?

Oh, Cheryl, I've just come to find you. Gavin, we should... No, no, let me.

I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I've been a prize plum. I knew you'd never betray my

trust, especially over a stupid free coffee initiative.

I should never have accused you.

I hope this isn't too soon or too forward.

I'd like you to accept this.

Oh, Gavin, you shouldn't. No, yes, I should. No, please, please.

Open it.

subscription to retail monthly.

Now we can have a copy each when we read those hilarious letters.

Gavin, I can't let you do this.

It's the least that I can do.

I'll cross the line, Cheryl.

I know you'd never do anything like that.

Stop it, Gavin, please.

Stop it. I need to tell you something.

Have you seen this, Gavin? They started doing free coffee over the road.

I don't know why we don't do it.

You tell me this is some kind of horrible coincidence.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't help it.

What?

Yesterday.

I didn't want to look at your phone, but you left the room and it was just

sitting there.

I mean, I wasn't myself.

I had a big breakfast. I'm never myself on a big breakfast.

So you thought you'd just read my private email and steal Valco ideas?

I couldn't help myself.

Look, I care about... Don't touch me.

You've been using me all along.

Is that what I was to you? Just as someone you could string along for more

information? No.

I can't believe I fell for it.

How could you do it?

Gavin, look.

Whatever we have, I am a louder manager first.

I have to protect my store, just like you have to put Falco first.

We were mad. to think this would ever work.

Maybe we were.

Don't worry.

Whatever we had, it's over now.

Happy reading.

I rather think this coffee's left a bad taste in my mouth.

No, wait. Chewing gum.

You were right about our new pets.

Look.

One did find me.

Whoa.

That's a big spider.

He was just crawling around the aisle.

Ian, say hello to Orange Jason.

Clever. Like Jason Orange.

Who? Never mind.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey. I meant to say thanks for doing the training earlier today, Oz. I owe you a

beer. Oh, I've got plans tonight, so... Oh, no, I didn't mean now. Sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, OK, sure.

So I'll see you tomorrow?

Not if I see you tomorrow first.

Not if I see you tomorrow first.

Yeah.