Original subtitles

Heard something.

He should just stop that now.

Oh, he keeps on moving it.

Valko! From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale.

Load to two for once. Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid

for this?

From chub to chops.

Don't forget the Valko tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick.

Tick. Serves you right.

Valko serves you right.

Whatever.

Morning, Margaret.

Oh, don't talk to me, Brian. I might forget it.

Forget what?

Alan told me a joke last night.

We were in pieces.

Go on, then.

Right, OK, so, there was this man... Oh, I'm laughing just thinking about it.

Anyway, OK, so, there was this man.

Well, he might have been a woman.

Or was it a bear?

Anyway, they went to sleep and...

Actually, I've got a joke for you, Margaret. Over there. The blood bank.

No, I don't get it.

Look at them.

Setting up a tent like they're at some kind of festival.

Do you think we ought to donate?

Absolutely not. I forbid it.

Why? Clones.

What? Like at the circus?

No, not clowns. Something even more terrifying. Human clones. Just one drop

blood and they've got everything they need.

Oh, Brian.

I gave blood once.

You don't think there's another me walking about, do you? It wouldn't

me. Oh, maybe she's remembered the joke.

Morning, Gavin.

I can't talk, Ian. Cheryl seems to think she can just extend Landers Car Park

without suffering any consequences.

It is our land. The boundary is quite clearly marked.

Look, look.

Although that could be jam.

Yes, it is jam.

You want to pave paradise and put up a parking lot?

Well, it's hardly paradise, Gavin. It's Warrington.

Mark, it lives and dies by its parking lot. I want a detailed copy of all

your...

Oh, Cheryl.

Oh, Gavin.

Oh, this

is so naughty. I know.

Pretty soon I'll have no option but to pull you up in front of the supermarket

standards committee.

Yes, I see.

They're all going to be there, Gavin.

Liz Milner, Clive Jacksby, Graham Gulliver.

What will I actually do when I'm up in front of them? What will I be?

How good will I be?

A naughty boy. You'll say you don't care what they think.

You'll tell them they can shove their policy right up their... No, no, I'm

sorry. No, no, no, Cheryl.

There's no way I'd talk to Graham Gulliver like that. He's gone too far.

I'd heard there was a tasting station.

I know. This is so exciting.

What is it?

Biscuits? Sausage roll?

Not many pork pies.

We've not had them since the 5th of June 2013.

What a day.

Red wine!

It's great, isn't it?

Red wine.

But I brought my fork.

I've always wanted to be a barmaid.

Get out of my pub!

Did I do that right? I've only ever seen one episode.

There's a man in the village who says I can come round and watch it whenever I

want, as long as I wear shorts.

There's no right calling it a tasting station.

You don't taste wine, you drink it.

Did you want to try some wine?

Ah, it's not really my thing.

My husband likes it, though.

Get him, my husband.

I'm serious, I've got a husband.

You're right.

And here's my wife.

No, seriously.

I'm gay. I'm a married gay man.

You're going to see something special there, guys.

Right. Where are the filthy magazines?

What?

Oh, come on.

Fuming. What are you looking at?

Haven't you got somewhere to be, Neville?

Yes, copy that.

You're quite right, Sue.

A butcher's work is never done.

Right, I shall see you at lunchtime. Oh, I may go and give blood before that.

That's a good idea, Ned.

Russell, what's it ready this year?

Do you know, they know me by name at that hospital. Maybe you overstayed your

welcome there, too.

Very good.

Why do you have to be such a cow all the time?

I'm not being a cow.

Oh, look, you dropped something.

Your best mate, Beneville. I don't love all, do you?

Attention, shoppers. We have a new three -for -two offer. It's when you think

you have a two, you're quite happy with the two, then suddenly there's three,

and one of them's an idiot.

Special offer on Gooseberry. That's special offer on Gooseberry.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hi, Daniel. Yeah, hi.

I just wanted you first.

Oh, no, I actually didn't have anything to say. I just didn't want there to be

any awkward balances.

Oh, there it is.

Oh, no, actually, I did have something I wanted to ask you.

Oh, yes, now remember, I would like to book a holiday, you know, just to get

away from it all.

I hope you don't mean me.

Oh, God, no, no. I just wanted a short break for 11 months or so. 11

months? Because I was talking to George's boyfriend, Jack, over the party

night, and he actually bought a mountain, and he needs help setting up a

resort on the mountain, and I actually skied for it. Charlie, I can't give you

11 months.

Oh, 10.

No, you get 20 days, like everyone else.

20 days?

Yeah. Are you sure you don't mean 20 weeks?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Or 20 months?

No, there aren't 20 months in a year.

I've got it.

It wasn't a bear, it was a vicar. And he was asleep when someone stepped on his

fur. Oh, wait, it must have been a bear.

Oh. Have you two got a minute? Yes.

How can we help? Just wondered if you'd be interested in giving blood.

Absolutely not.

Why?

Clones. Exactly right.

You can keep your tent and your stickers and your... needles.

Brian, are you scared of needles?

No, I'm not scared of anything.

You can just admit it if you are, it doesn't matter.

All right, yeah.

Would someone who's scared of needles do this?

Oh, I'll give you blood. You just name the time and the place, mate.

Well, the blood bank today, obviously.

Yeah, good.

Do you want to hear a joke, Daniel?

Okay.

Oh.

I just want the whole world to know.

Me too.

We've got to be discreet.

I want to shout it from the roof. It's hot. No health and safety would never

allow that.

How is it on?

One, two, three, dance floor, and come with me.

I'm just a manager.

Stood in front of a rival manager.

Asking her to love me.

Can't be.

After you, so is it, darling?

Sorry, what?

I'm on a divorce!

Free wine sample, madam?

No, thanks.

What's it like?

I don't know, I haven't tried it. Can't sell something you haven't tried.

But I'm not allowed alcohol.

Mum says alcohol is the reason girls today can't keep their knickers on.

But she often says that about Battenberg.

You need to make sure you're selling a quality product.

You're right.

Mmm.

I thought it would taste like Vimto.

Have another one. It'll take the taste away.

Reading magazines, eh?

Oh, how do you do it, Lisa?

I just start on the left and then take it word by word.

No, no, I mean this, here, doing the same thing, day in, day out. It's so

boring.

There's only two hours that matter on this job, right? The first hour of the

and the last. They're the longest.

The ones in the middle, you can sort of zone out. How?

I don't know. You have to just, like, think of nothing, and then it's like you

float out of your body.

Look, I'll show you.

Right.

Lisa?

Lisa. Thank you for shopping at Valco.

Oh.

Lisa. Lisa.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.

Oh, not again. Lisa.

What? Where's Charlie?

Right. Do you know that hotel you've always wanted to stay in? One of the

Mm -hmm. Get it booked, babe. We've just won the lottery.

at the customer services desk.

That's the child at customer services.

Good morning, ladies. What a wonderful day to be alive.

Not now, Gavin.

Yeah, leave it. Ah, well, I'd better check the stock of the meat counter

I've got a couple of grumpy chops right here.

Here. One take.

Hurry up. They'll be married by the time we get this finished. Some of us

actually take a bit of pride in our blackmailing. But, Colin, just... Give

that. Ooh.

Look at that.

This woman had slept with over 500 fellas.

Come here.

My cousin Kelly.

Oh, she's the first one in the family to make it in a magazine.

I always told her, right, keep plugging away and you'll make it.

I'm so proud of her.

Oh, you should be proud.

Yeah. You'd have made that number if it wasn't for me, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Well, maybe I am. She'll just have to find out for herself.

Oh, Cheryl.

Oh, you really are the pound in my trolley.

Yes, that's right.

I'd better get back to work, too. Old play and no work makes Gavin a dull boy.

Yes. Yes, and you.

Everything changed.

about you and Cher.

It was one album.

Oh, I know about you and Cheryl. Right.

Three.

Two.

One.

Hello,

Charlie, love. Hi.

Wait.

Siegel stole my name badge.

How do you know who I am? I know all the regular staff here.

I don't know who wrote it, but someone knows.

Try not to panic, Gavin.

What will Graham Gulliver do?

Hello, Daniel.

Just walked into the room.

Sorry, Gavin, I just...

Hello, Grab. Hello.

Yeah,

hello.

Are you all right, Gavin? You all right there, Gavin?

Sid? I'm fine. You don't need to keep asking.

What's wrong with you?

I just don't want to mix work with my personal life, that's all.

You look so sexy when you're flustered.

What was that?

I said you'd look sexy in custard.

Definitely your colour, yellow. I'll make a note of it when we get the new

uniforms.

OK, thank you.

No problem.

Thank you.

Oh, what the hell was in the room?

Well, yeah, exactly.

You should have said.

Brian, you look ever so pale.

Are you sure you're not worried about that silly needle?

Do I look worried?

You do look very worried, yes.

Look, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Just... Don't think about them sliding that needle in and sucking all your

out. Please stop.

Well, I doubt that there'll be anything that'll go wrong.

And anyway, what is the worst thing that can happen?

Byron.

Byron. I think they're calling you. No, they're not.

Byron. They are. They're calling your name.

No, no, they're saying Byron.

Oh, is he at Margaret?

Are you Brian?

Yes, sorry.

I thought you were saying Byron.

Okay, let's do this.

The customer knew my name.

Okay.

That's my life now.

Meeting the same people every day, working here until I'm as old as Lisa.

Um, Lisa's...

Four months younger than you.

I think I need to leave.

I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone here is great, but I came here to learn,

and now I've totally nailed this job, and there's nothing left for me to

Not strictly, um, okay.

I mean, I don't want to see you go, but if you want to leave, why don't you just

leave? Just leave? Daddy never let me quit anything.

One time he made me spend an entire summer finishing a Rubik's Cube.

But I could get fired.

Daddy wouldn't think it was my fault if I got the sack.

Do you have any matches? I'm going to set fire to Gavin's car. Oh, no, no, no,

no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't do that.

I mean, I could fire you.

Ah, no, Daniel.

No, I couldn't let you do that. No, Daddy would never forgive you. I'll risk

He seems to like me. Let me do it for you.

Really?

Um, verbal abuse is a suckable offence.

You could verbally abuse me.

Good idea, Daniel.

You massive idiot.

This is your final warning.

Well, maybe this is your final warning, Daniel. You massive ass idiot.

But an adorable one who can cook, but is a good kisser and has made working here

very fun. But it's still a massive fly -ridden pile of ass waste.

Right, you're fired.

Thank you, Lord Sugar.

You're actually quite like him.

I must tell him that the next time I see him.

Oh, right.

Got it, got it. All right, give us a chance.

Hello? I know your secret.

Sorry?

Who is this?

I'm Siobhan, who knows your secret.

Lisa? Is that you?

Why, no.

How do you know it was us?

Came up as Lisa's phone?

Oh, yeah, would, wouldn't it? But, Gavin, we still know your dirty little

secret. Colin, I will not be blackmailed. Oh, no?

Oi, everyone!

Colin, give us your watch.

What?

No. Right, you have to give us some of it.

Ooh, what about booze? You love booze. A case of cider?

And fags?

Absolutely not.

Look, you can have a box of broken biscuits. That really is the best that I

offer.

OK, but this ain't over, Gavin!

Wait! Me! Me! Me! Do you want a wine or me? Have a wine or me? Just have a wine

or me?

I can't stand it at all.

I feel like

I'm

breaking some sort of law.

You are, Gavin.

The laws of attraction.

Because I have never felt like this about anyone before in my life.

It's not the ruddy laws.

knew that I was special, Margaret.

What did they say your type was?

You mean apart from incredibly rare and sought after?

B negative.

Oh, that suits you.

No, you see, they're shutting up now.

They've peaked.

I shall have that parking report filed immediately, Cheryl.

Oh, Gavin, come here.

Oh, great.

Right, now everyone knows.

Why? Because you two had to go and do it in public like a couple of perverts.

Right, I'm having these.

I said broken vessels there, Colin.

Well, that's anything to do with it.

Happy now, Gavin?

Yeah. Works no fun without anyone to gossip with.

Oh, mate.

Yeah, go on.

Coming to me.

I know. He put me right off me to it.

Do you want a bit? Yeah, go on then.

Hello, my love.

Have I got the romantic evening lined up for us?

I don't know. Me and Sue are going out tonight.

Right you are.

Ian, I suppose you fancy a couple's massage this evening?

I don't mind if I do.

Although I must warn you, massages make me very cuddly.

You know, Daniel Wilson, I think you might have been the most normal

ever had.

And you, Charlie, are definitely not the most normal boyfriend I've ever had.

What? I'm normal. I'm just Charlie from the block.

There's a helicopter outside!

Oh, yes, that's mine. Thank you.

Goodbye, Daniel.

Goodbye, Charlie. I hope all your dreams come true. Oh, I hear we're losing you,

Charlie.

Daniel sacked me.

Stop telling everyone that.

Well, we're all going to miss you here.

Not in any practical sense, obviously, but emotionally, you'll be missed.

Come here, little guy.

I love you so much.

Bye,

Daniel.

Bye, Charlie.

Two boys.

She had real spirit, did she? Yeah.

You know, I think we actually taught her something.

Yeah? Yeah.

No.

No, we didn't.

Shall we just...

Oh, Dr.

Brian, I've remembered the punchline.

Go on. At the end, she gives the vicar a blow -dry.

Oh, was it a blow -dry? Yeah.

Yes, it was.

Is she all right? This wine is non -alcoholic, you know.

Come on now.

They've gone all powdery.

They're edible, look.

I can't eat them like that.