Original subtitles

Heard something.

I think you should just stop that now.

Oh, he keeps on moving it.

Valko! From booze to biscuits.

Red hot tails.

Load to two for one. Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid

this? From chub to chops.

Don't forget the Valko tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick.

Tick. Serves you right.

Valko serves you right.

Whatever.

It really is a wonderful display here, Heather. Can you just talk me through

your strategy?

Say our product must be arranged with bright primary colours to the fore to

collapse the eye of the passing consumer.

The rainbow retail method.

I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

I got the idea from the Valcom manager's handbook.

Oh, I didn't know we were giving out management handbooks to staff. I took

from your bedside table when you were asleep.

You what?

Oh, very good. Yeah, I'll be going there for a minute.

Got you.

Yep, you did.

So I have finished moving all of the dairy free. I'll have the gluten free

done by the end of the day. Because I know how you like it when I do exactly

what you've asked.

Okay, thanks.

Then we can get away in time for Daddy's party.

Oh, by the way, don't forget your swimming trunks. I thought it was black

Yeah, it is. Until Daddy gets drunk and ends up in the swimming pool.

Uh -oh.

And if he holds your head under the water for ages, do not cry, because

only do it again.

Oh, lucky man there, Daniel. You know, I've never been invited to one of

O 'Connor's legendary parties, you know.

Every year I wait, but that golden fact, it never arrives.

Better get my trunks then, I suppose.

Oh, no, cheer up, Daniel, no.

An invite to the O 'Connor mansion, you know, you'll be on the Valco board in

next to no time.

Heather, what are you doing?

I saw Charlie do it. I thought that's what they were supposed to do.

No, it's not.

Oh, sorry.

OK, you can move your hand now.

I'm doing a bit round for Sue's birthday.

Oh, to be in my 30s again.

No, that's Linda. This is for Sue.

Oh, I always get them to muddle. Sue's got dark hair and Linda's blonde and

out with Neville. She goes out with Neville?

Now you're pulling my leg.

Oh. Sorry, Neville. No, no, it's fine. I get it all the time.

Do you know, I never know what to write on cards.

Brian, do you want to... Before you ask, I won't be signing that. I can't put my

name on anything but a medical prescription.

It's only a birthday card.

What happens when someone gets hold of it and puts 200 milligrams of methadone

next to my signature? Pretty soon that only a birthday card becomes a blank

check for a junkie. Has that ever happened? No, because I don't sign

cards or Christmas cards, bereavement cards if I have to, but then I insist on

the card being buried with the body.

Oh, come on, Margaret, think.

Why don't you just put, happy birthday to you, love from Margaret.

You are funny, Katie.

Now, don't rush me.

Morning, Gavin.

Oh, good morning there, Cheryl, and how are you today?

To be honest, I'm a bit discombobulated. I've just noticed that I'm wearing my

Friday blouse, and it's actually Thursday.

Well, you know, I know exactly how you feel. Yesterday, I wore my Tuesday tie,

and it was, in fact... Wednesday!

And it really was!

Anyway, now that the war between us is over and we've ceased hostilities... Lay

down our arms. Withdrawn our tanks.

Notify the United Nations of... What?

You get the idea.

So, what were you saying? In the spirit of our truce, I just thought I'd pop

over and let you know that we're starting a car -washing service next

Oh, well, that should be fine, as long as we don't get any of the residue.

Right. Better get on. Yes, yes.

Oh, these blasted wheels.

Oh, stand aside.

I am a dab plumb with a wayward wheel.

Now.

Oh, now that is the time for sore eyes.

Gavin, what's wrong?

Oh, dear God, no, I meant the wheel arch going into the housing.

Of course you did.

Oh, God! Oh, Gavin!

Hiya. Hiya.

Oh, God.

Well, anything you want to say? Yeah, last night was too funny.

I mean, I've got totally hammered. I meant anything about today.

I passed out, spread eagles on the bed and poured never to sleep in the bath.

Do you know what he said to me? That today is a special day for a certain

someone. Every day with me is like a gift.

Like a gift you might give someone on their birthday?

Suzanne, he's got a weird metal taste to it. I think he's off.

Oh, I do apologise, madam. I'll sort you out a refund right away.

You sometimes get a metal taste in your mouth when you're pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.

I know.

I was just saying.

It's one of them days, mate. One of them special days you only get once a year.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Unbelievable.

Woo! Daddy just rang. The paddling pool has arrived.

I thought you had a full -size swimming pool. Yeah, this is for the mud

wrestling. He wants you and him to try it out before the party.

But your dad wants me to wrestle with him in the mud.

Yes, he must really, really like you.

Oh. Oh.

Oi, Ned!

Yeah, Cole?

Right. Do you know what I'd do if I was, uh, with the boss's daughter?

Ooh, take her out to supper.

No. Uh, visit a National Trust property. Do you want to shut up, Neville?

Right, gentlemen, here are your rotas for next week.

Any problems, just let me know.

Right, do you know what I'd do if I was, uh, going out with the boss's daughter?

I would, um, I'd have a hammock in Gavin's office. Uh, I'd have a desk.

Made out of monster munch.

Yeah, well, I'm not you, and I don't need anything from Charlie's dad.

Oh, all right, yeah. Or what, you're going out with Charlie for a good looks

a winning personality?

Yeah. What a personality it is.

Will the both of you just get back to work, please?

So we're having a whip round for Sue's birthday. Do you want to sign the card

and add it to the collection?

I'm a bit busy now, but I'll do it later, though. All right.

Happy to sign.

Contribute on.

Put the fiver back, Colin.

And the other one. Oh, for God's... Thank you.

I'm so sorry again, Gavin. I don't know my own strength sometimes.

I've got arms like a docker.

It's all those years of lifting crates. They do say that a supermarket

manager... has the muscle tension of an Olympic rower. Well, it's played havoc

with my hands. Got skin like sandpaper.

Oh, nonsense. You've got the skin of a woman at least one, possibly two years

younger than you actually are.

Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

I can see you're making a compression wrap using the figure -of -eight

technique.

St John Ambulance Residential Court of Runcorn.

1997. That was the golden year for first aid. I was a class of 99. To be honest,

we were always in your shadow. Do you remember I?

Rest, ice, compression, elevation.

That's in my top five acronyms, that.

Oh!

Tanita Ticarum!

What? There's nothing I'd feel like that myself sometimes.

Well, I... I guess we're both...

Passionate people.

You should use the Pro -Pax gauze to wrap around the tendons.

Oh, God,

I can't believe I forgot.

Finally. I need to buy a spare thief pushing some air spray.

Neville's given me a jar at his place.

I feel damn mean, though, cos he's only got one jar.

Trez will keep his stuff on the draining board. He already uses that as a

bedside table.

I can't believe you've forgotten.

It's all right. I'll buy it all at lunch.

Excuse me.

You know the Velcro lasagna?

Yeah. Is it meant to have bees in it?

It looks like flakes of metal must have come off the machine in the factory.

You know what this means, Daniel?

Product recall.

Then we have no other option but to open the emergency folder.

Go to the section marked Catastrophic Stroke Alarming Situations.

Daniel, if you're reading this, then I have been involved in a fatal accident,

natural disaster, or I'm on annual leave. Page 37, yellow tab.

Product recall. Right, got it.

I'll get cracking on this. Are you going to be okay here?

I suppose you think so. You know, you have to hand it to Cheryl. The

craftsmanship on this bandage is second to none. She really is a marvel.

Well, the good news is only two units of the dodgy lasagna have been sold.

I'll get the rest off the shelves.

And I'll phone Cheryl.

Cheryl? No, I mean head Cheryl. I mean head office.

Slip of the tongue.

Oh, what, all of them?

Every single one of them. We need to leave them in the loading bay exit for

office to collect. But after that, I have to go and pick up the cake for

party. It's got this massive photo in the middle.

Oh, let me guess. Him. No, imagine.

Of you?

Hello, Daniel Wilson.

Ah, Mrs Edmonds, thank you for calling back.

Yeah, it's just I noticed from your royalty card that you bought a box of

Valco's own lasagna today.

Okay, you finish up here. I need to deal with this. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let me get a pen and I'll take his number.

Hello? Oh, brilliant.

Yes, I'll be out in a minute. Thank you.

Heather?

Yes, Miss Falco? My car has arrived, so I need you to do something for me. It'll

be an honour, Miss Falco.

Oh.

Any inspiration yet, Margaret?

Oh, no, Kate, love, I still can't think of anything.

Ah, writer's block.

Poison to the creative mind. It sometimes visits me when I'm writing for

Pharmacist Monthly. Yes, I know what you're thinking. I hope Brian doesn't

on about Pharmacist Monthly. Why didn't they print my last article?

Factual errors made by the artist formerly known as Prince.

Quick as you can, Margaret.

Number one, doves do not cry.

Just think of anything. What is the first thing that comes into your head?

Supermarket. Number two, purple rain is not... Will you just let Margaret think?

Oh! Maybe I should draw a great big cactus like Collingsdon.

That's not a cactus.

Put them by the exit of the collection by head office.

Put them by the exit of the collection by head office.

Come in.

Only me.

How are you feeling?

Oh, my earlobes are pulsating from the slightly raised blood pressure, but

from that, I'm pretty comfortable, actually.

Oh, good.

Well, I assumed you wouldn't make it down to the canteen, so I brought you

something from our deli. Oh, how very kind.

Ta -da.

That is a magnificent quiche, Lorraine. It's Cheryl, actually.

Oh!

Come on, out you get.

Oh, there we go. There you are.

There we go. I've got you. Does it hurt?

No, your bandage is first rate. It really is.

Here.

We're in a bit of a pickle.

Yes, aren't we?

Are those keys in your back pocket?

Oh, yeah. I think they are. You're digging into my thigh bone.

Where have you been?

I told you, I went to the shop to get the cake. Don't worry, I cancelled it. I

got these penguins instead.

Why aren't the lasagnas in the loading bay like I asked?

Heather.

Heather? Yes, Miss Falcon?

Why aren't the lasagnas in the loading bay like I asked?

Why would they be in the loading bay like I asked?

You put the lasagna containing metal flakes underneath the sign saying

everything must go.

I sure did.

Don't mind if I do.

Yes, money's a bit tight this month, so... They're contaminated now. Right,

right. As I say, money's a bit tight.

Just get back to work.

You're the boss, and might I say... Now!

I'm very, very, very sorry.

It's OK, Heather, it's not your fault. No, it's society's fault. No, it's

You should have done as I asked. It was a total nightmare.

Would now be a good time?

No, it wouldn't, Heather.

Just chill your boots, Danny boy. I'll sort it out.

Who are you ringing? My dad. He's brilliant in these sort of situations.

time, I crashed my car into an ambulance. You can't just ring your dad

time something goes wrong. You have to take responsibility for yourself. I sent

the paramedics some flowers.

Well, Daddy's PA did, but still.

Forget it. I'll do this myself.

I don't need anyone's help, least of all your dad's.

Thank you, Heather. It's actually quite relaxing.

Right, Margaret, I'm going to give you ten seconds to sign Sue's birthday card.

Otherwise, I'm going to sign it for you.

Technically, that's illegal. It's identity theft.

Ten, nine... What's the name of that fella? The funny one with the hair.

Ken Dodd?

Nicholas Whitchell, that's it.

What's he got to do with the card?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that my mind wanders when I'm under pressure. Margaret, do you want to

sign the card or not?

I know exactly what I'm going to put inside.

It's not my birthday. I told you, Margaret, it's Sue's birthday, not

Oh, God, it's Sue's birthday.

Oh. Better start again.

Well, you won the sale, too.

Yeah, I've just got Port 86.

Back then, you had to key in the prices. None of this scanning lark.

Cashiers today, they don't know the ball. I used to be 90kpm.

90 keys per minute? Talk about Speedy Gonzales.

I mean, Speedy Tillsales.

My manager used to call me that and big boobs.

No, that really is completely inappropriate.

My wife, Barbara, she used to say jinx every time we spoke at the same time. It

was so funny. I wasn't allowed to speak until she said my name three times.

Sometimes I'd spend entire weekends in silence.

I've never thought of myself as the marrying type, but recently...

I'm beginning to wonder that maybe I just haven't found the one.

Well, I'd best get back to work.

I could always pop back later, if you like. Give you a lift home? No, no, one

won't put you to any bother. No, no, no, I don't mind. I'd like to.

Unless, of course, you feel that it's inappropriate.

No, no, why would I think it's inappropriate?

No, no, all we have is a healthy mutual respect for retail.

Nothing more, at least as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Me too.

Reminds me of a funny story I was listening to. I'm going to get back to

I'm so sorry, mate.

I totally forgot it was your birthday.

See, I can do it.

And I booked you in for a massage after work. Not yet.

Come here.

I'm so sorry.

How about we go for some birty drinks afterwards?

On us. On? Yeah, that's our treat. Well, Linda's.

The cash machine ate my card, so... Maybe you should stay home, then and

Linda a bit of cash.

No, no, no, I insist.

After all, you're only 61.

I'm 52.

No, Mr Collins, loyalty cards are not for spying.

They're to help us know what our customers like, so we can serve you

Yeah, and in this instance, it's helped us identify that you bought some of

Valco's own brand lasagna.

Yeah, and like I said, if you just bring it back at your convenience, you'll get

a full refund.

Okay, thank you.

What are you doing?

I'm taking responsibility.

It's a metal detector.

Yeah, I know what it is.

I thought I could help you detect who's eaten the metal lasagna.

You don't like my idea, do you?

Charlie, I've got another 33 customers to get through. I've really got to go.

Sorry.

Oh, hello.

Here you go, sir.

Have a guess what Neville's the sex adult.

Your manager said I should get a refund on this.

Yes, madam, no problem at all.

Do you know what, Linda? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of Neville.

Sorry about this, my dear. Neville this, Neville that. Neville, sorry, Neville.

It's like he's always here. Well, not always. You're out of order, she is.

Maybe I'm out of order, but maybe I hurt you because my so -called best mate

forgot it's my birthday today. She never.

I said I was sorry.

All you care about is you and Neville and the rest of us can go to hell. You

a selfish cow. You take that back. I will not.

Happy birthday, Sue.

And many more.

Shut up, Neville.

So if you just bring the lasagna in at your convenience, you'll get a full

refund.

No, I can't pop around and deliver it.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Has everyone contacted?

Oh, good. Now get your coat and you can change your mind because Daddy has been

waiting for us for the last hour and a half and he is freezing in that mud

Charlie, I... I don't think this is going to work.

What? No, we're great together.

Oh, God!

You mean the metal detector.

Oh, my God, thank God. I thought you meant us.

Oh,

you did.

Look, I think you're fantastic and...

It's just working together and going out together is a bit much.

I think we should just be friends.

Right, yeah, OK.

I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

Hey, don't cry.

No, it's just that I'm just upset with my dad, you know, because he really

you and he's going to miss you. And, you know, he's going to miss waking up

beside you in the morning, using your hair dryer and going to work together.

I'm going to miss your dad, too.

Really?

Really.

Hey, come here.

A bit better? Yep.

Right, well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Hi, Cheryl.

Listen, I'm so, so sorry about earlier on.

I was wondering if you'd do me the honour of coming to dinner with me

No, that's just far too formal.

Hey, Cheryl, what do you say about coming to dinner? That's just far too

aggressive.

Cheryl, would you like to come to dinner?

There's a nice little Italian on the high street.

to sign Sue's card?

Yeah. Sue's left for the day.

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, and I thought of something so funny. I've written it down to remind me.

Look at this.

Margaret, that's really funny.

Oh, very good.

That's actually really dark. It really is.

Pressure on there.

Compress and elevate that later, won't we?

Yes.