Original subtitles

Heard something.

I think she'll just stop that now.

Oh, he keeps on moving it.

Valko! From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale.

Load to two for one. Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid

this? From chub to chops.

Don't forget the Valko tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way. Tick.

Tick. Serves you right.

Valko serves you right.

Whatever.

And who, may I ask, is Michelle?

Michael.

And who, may I ask, is Michael?

It's just a friend.

Oh, it'd be nice to meet him. It'd be nice to meet any of your friends,

actually. They all live in London, I told you. I've introduced you to all of

friends and my father. You, you, you keep everything hidden. You're like one

those little, um, clothes, paper thingies.

A book.

Exactly. I mean, I don't even know your surname.

It's Wilson, I've told you loads.

It's on my name badge.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Gavin.

Oh, I've had the most awful weekend.

Yeah, nothing too bad, I hope.

Oh, I'm afraid so.

Oh, gosh, it's not Alan, is it? Yes.

The neighbours have put up a trellis.

Is that it?

I've never seen Alan so angry.

He's spent all day suddenly staring at a wall.

Well, yes, we've got a bit of a neighbour problem ourselves, as you can

Like what?

Yes, have you not seen the lorry?

What lorry?

That lorry.

Oh, well, I can't see anything with a big picture of a cow in the way.

No, the big picture of the cow is on the lorry.

I knew there was something different.

We haven't got a cow in here, have we? No, no, louder.

We haven't got a cow in here, have we?

Oh, Margaret.

I'm just going to ring Cheryl again.

You're thinking about this all wrong, Gavin.

What? Use your enemy's tactics against them. You don't need to move it. Just

turn it on them.

They've concealed your entrance.

You need to conceal their lorry. What on earth could I use to hide a huge truck?

Easy. An even bigger truck.

Why don't you just take an early lunch or something, Ian?

Mm -mm.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Totally forgot you were waiting. What do you want?

I asked for a sausage roll.

Oh! Just ran out.

Just ran out.

Gavin, I am so sorry. I want you to move that truck. ASA possible.

Well, the driver's disappeared. I've been trying to ring his mobile, but he's

not picking up.

I really am so sorry.

Oh, live milking display at Lowry today with massive dairy discount.

What do you think you're doing?

Well, while I'm here, I might as well let people know.

I promise not to milk it.

I mean, just... I want you to move that truck.

What, move it or... Move it.

OK, no, I'll call the driver.

I mean, I'll call the driver again. I'll just...

Oh, no, look, I've left my mobile in the office. I'll be back in a tick.

Oh, that woman.

Hiya. Oh, thank God. I thought you were Daniel for a second.

Oh, what possibly gave me away?

Well, the face, mainly.

What are you up to?

I'm trying to find out what Daniel's secret is.

So I typed Daniel Wilson in.

Tenuous were a ten -piece boy band who were kicked out at the judge's house as

stage effects.

No, it's not.

No way!

Look at the girl on the left. It looks a lot like Daniel.

Exactly like Daniel. Same nose, same eyes, same entire face and body.

Oh, my God, Daisy. We've found out what Daniel's secret is.

He's got a twin brother.

No, no.

That actually is Daniel. He's in the band.

Oh, my actual God!

All right.

This jar's got a crack in it. Can I get a refund?

You can get whatever you like, my darling.

Oh, no, we're not meant to give it.

Paul? Wow.

Linda? Do you two know each other?

Yeah, we went out.

Wow. From that to... Hello.

You look amazing.

I'm Linda's. Thanks. You do, too. You look talented.

Right here, my love.

Yes, yes, you do look remarkably well -toned.

Yeah, thanks.

Train a lot.

Cage fight these days.

Look at those arms.

Can I touch one?

Sue, can I?

Of course you can.

I always like the way you touch me.

I'm still here.

Was that supposed to be a wink?

Yeah, it's a double wink, because I can't do a single one. What are you

winking about?

I know.

The video with the singing and the band.

Listen,

don't show it to anyone. You know what they're like. I'll never let it down. No

problem. It's all done and sold.

Hey, sir, would you like to see my boyfriend dancing? The answer is yes.

Colin, I... I want to ask you something, and I want you to be completely honest

with me. All right, yes.

I borrowed your credit card. I bought some trainers. It's not a crime,

No, it's not that, although I have to say I really do admire your honesty.

No, no, do you think I'm tough enough?

I see the way that Linda talks to her poor fellow.

Yeah, well, it's obvious, isn't it? She fancies him.

Girls love bad boys.

George Michael, cage fighters, me.

I think with you, Neville, you're not tough enough.

Oh, I don't know. I can be pretty darn tough sometimes.

I didn't just buy trainers.

I bought a suit. I bought this chain.

We bought a toaster.

I bought a hammock. Again, I have to really praise your honesty.

It's just everyone is tougher than you, Neville.

Everyone. Like Ian, Lisa, Harry, Margaret.

Oh, well.

But, do you know what?

I can make you tougher than any cage fighter.

Yeah, right.

Have you ever seen Rocky, Neville? No.

No. Right.

Punch these.

Isn't that rather unhygienic? Neville, you punch them or someone else will. Or

that Paul's going to come back and he's going to swipe Linda from you. No, no,

no, no. Go on. Punch it. That's it. Go on, Sham.

That's it. Punch.

Punch. Punch. Now close your eyes.

Ow. Never close your eyes, Neville. Okay? Lesson number one. Make you look

Right. Now, I'm going to have to keep these because we can't use them now.

All right, mate.

What are you after?

It's frustrating, but you've got to admire Cheryl Fairweather's gumption.

OK, I will. Sorry.

No, I mean the old fainting jab. You sort of reel them in with a milking

and then, boom, you hit them with a dairy sale. She really is quite a woman.

Why would anyone want to go out and see a milking display when they could just

do it at home?

Well, most people don't have cows at home, Heather. Of course they do.

How else would they get their milk?

Well, they'd buy it here, hopefully.

We don't have any cows here.

Oh, you are the joker of the pack, Mr Gavin, sir.

Is this the right place for the cow milking?

No, it most certainly isn't. Only I've got this cow for you.

Ah,

right, Katie.

Now, I've done something rather rash, and I need your help.

OK.

I've stolen a cow.

Are you going to expand on that, or...? Sorry, I think I'm still in shock.

Listen, I need you to go to Petty Cash.

I need you to go out and buy as much straw as you can lay your hands on, like

some sort of bucket, and one of those really tiny little stools.

That's why?

We're going to have a live milking event right here in Valco.

Oh, OK.

Oh, and just get a receipt. You know, we may be at war, but there's no excuse

for bad accounting.

I don't trust this thing.

Shit.

They fed them when they cooked.

Well, we could hardly leave her on the shop floor.

Imagine the shock.

Oh, Gavin, I'm going to have to go home on my lunch break.

It's all got horribly out of hand with Alan and Stuart next door.

Oh, nothing too serious. Oh, it's very serious. Alan's flipped.

He says he's going to get his strimmer out and hang the consequences.

Well, I've got to get it all sorted before the police get involved.

But what are you two doing here anyway?

We're concealing a cow, Margaret.

All right.

I'm just going to have to go and sort something out. Are you going to be all

right with this?

Oh, yes, I'm fine.

I'm charging you for the cleaning of this. Isn't that just superb?

Katie, listen, listen, just before you go now, all we need is a sort of dairy

product sale sign.

I can't remember this being in my job description.

Listen, don't worry about the mess.

I'll sort.

Why did you do that?

Don't they have machines for this?

Machines? Neville, this is a proper prison.

The best 50 quid you'll ever spend.

Are you sure it won't hurt?

Of course not.

Well, just in case, bite this.

Right, so what you want is Linda with a love heart around it. Yes.

Are you sure you don't want a panther?

Yeah, quite sure. What about your mum on a panther?

No panthers.

You've got no class now.

OK, let's go.

Hello,

Gavin. It's just a bucket.

What? This.

It's nothing.

You seem very...

You're agitated, Gavin. Is everything all right?

I'm not the one who's in the wrong supermarket. Have you lost something?

What would I have lost? I don't know. You tell me.

What are you doing with those?

Oh, this.

Oh, no, I'm just terribly tired.

It's all right. You should sit down. Well, why don't you just use your

No, I like to be on the shop floor, you know, with the kids, you know, and the

hustle and the bustle.

You should try it. Gavin!

Gavin, I've got... Oh,

Casey. I just do so

love our sing -alongs. There's no time for that now. Get back to work.

You are up to something, Gavin Strong.

I like those improvisational jazz scatter -longs. I might try that with my

staff. That play -do.

Oh,

Neville, what happened?

Colin gave me a bit of a tattoo.

You what?

A tattoo? Why would Colin give you a tattoo?

I thought you'd like it if I was a bit tougher.

Oh, Neville, me and Paul broke up for a reason. I don't want a tough guy.

I've had tough guys before. Thank you.

And seriously, there was this one box that could lift me up with you. Thank

Linda. Go on, let's see it then.

What is it? It's an L.

Well, it's on your right arm.

It's an L for Linda, only it hurts, so I didn't get the inder.

She's weeping quite badly.

Neville, you are tough. How many times have you fractured your pelvis? Four.

And broken your toes?

Twelve, last count.

Exactly. You are the toughest guy I know, and I love you.

Ow!

You like eggs today?

Eat the protein.

I'm a cage fighter.

Really? Maybe I'll come to see you fight sometime.

I'll give you my number.

Good case you need.

Anything.

Yeah?

What was that?

Cage fighter.

Gave me his number.

Oh, cage fighter. Really, Lise?

What? Real men don't need cages to fight.

They're just freaks with mashed up faces.

Probably don't have that many steroids.

His balls look like little peanuts. Like little dry roasted peanuts.

I reckon I could batter him one -handed.

Come on, then.

I'll see you try.

Go on then.

What are you watching?

Nothing.

OK, OK, don't go on. I'll tell you, but this has to stay strictly between us.

Daniel. Yeah,

if that was me, I'd want to keep it a secret and all.

I used to be a dancer.

I was a ballet prodigy.

No, seriously.

It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.

But the pull of security was and is too strong. It never leaves you, though.

Well, then, show us.

Well,

I could probably still knock out a pirouette.

It's so good, but how are you, pal?

It's been a while since I've decked anyone so tiny.

It's good to keep you around me. I think you should probably unhand my colleague

and leave now.

Or what?

Oh, I hadn't thought that far.

Would you prefer it if I hit you?

Yes,

actually.

Yes, if you really feel the need to hit someone to prove how manly you are, then

hit me. Go on.

Do your worst. Do your best.

Worst.

Oh, no.

You got lucky. Thank you.

See ya.

Thank you, Neville, for stepping up because I was going to have back to him.

Right.

Our tattoo.

I can't believe we did it so quickly.

A milking display and a dairy product sale from scratch.

I mean, let's go down to some kind of retail history.

As if we didn't have to keep it so quiet. Actually, can you just go and,

know, just keep an eye out for any sign of Cheryl, and I'll just kick things

off. Yes, anything to get away from that cow.

Unfair. All right, roll up, roll up. Come and see. The wonder of nature never

before has a supermarket offered you milk this fresh from the source.

although we won't be selling this exact milk because of health and safety

regulations.

Now, while you're enjoying the live milking display by Valco's Berry Anne,

Heather, I would encourage you to make use of our very special dairy product

offers. So, take it away, Heather.

How's my little pop star?

Fine. As long as you haven't shown anyone else that video.

Of course I haven't. Hey.

Love it. I may have gotten a little bit overexcited and shown it to a couple of

people. Well, eight. But apart from that, no one else, I promise.

We're tenuous.

There's ten of us.

Things are going to get a little dangerous.

Far from Harry. And I may have accidentally sent it to the entire Valco

list.

I'm the assistant manager of this store. The staff are supposed to respect me,

not laugh at me. You made me look like an idiot.

To be fair, I think your lyrics did that.

No, it's not funny. Unlike you, I actually need this job.

It's Margaret, isn't it? Oh, hello, love.

Oh, I've a deck of a day. Oh, I've been back and forth. I've a trellis up and

down. In the end, I just snapped. Oh, and I told him, I said, sit down, say

you're sorry, otherwise I am locking that strummer away.

OK, well, you seem like an overly honest type of person.

Somebody who tell me the truth.

Yeah, well, that lipstick is a bit much.

Duly noted, thank you. But it's not that. Have you seen anything strange

here today?

Oh, yes. Really?

Well, there's Daniel's funny dance.

Right. And then there's two for one on the plasters over at the pharmacy.

Now, that is not normal.

OK, I'm going to get back. Oh, and Gavin's over there milking a great big

You just have to squeeze nice and tight on the udders.

That is basically shoplifting. Don't you dare accuse me of shoplifting. Well, I

call it as I see it. Well, I'm surprised you can see anything through that

massive truck outside.

Well, I'm surprised you had time to steal her, what with working in a

supermarket. Take that back. Like customers take things back to louder.

You're only cheating because you are not a good manager.

That's below the belt. That is enough.

I've had it up to here with all this grief.

It's like... Being in a war zone.

You'll be putting up trellis next.

Trellis? Best not to ask. Now, Gavin, can you say you're sorry for blocking

view with that sign?

But I didn't... And you, will you stop being so careless with your strimmer?

I don't know what you're talking about, but I am sorry.

Listen, I've been unhinged, Cheryl.

Please forgive me. We were both in the wrong, Gavin.

Truce.

Truce.

Good. Now, can somebody tell me what on earth that cow is doing in here?

Oh, it's you.

Are you OK?

No. One bad girlfriend.

I'm sorry, I just... I was embarrassed. I thought you'd done it on purpose. No!

I just didn't want you hiding anything from me.

I thought when I saw it, I loved it so much, I just wanted to show everyone

else. Oh, no, I should have just told you in the first place.

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Well, you could do the damn... No, no, I really can't, no.

All right, just this once, but you can never, never, never ask me again.

No, I won't, I swear.

Guide's honour.

I'm pretty sure that's not the gold guide salute.

Don't mind me.

OK, no, I'm not doing it.

No!

Please, please. All right, but no laughing, OK? Definitely no laughing.

Oh, we're tenuous.

The ten of us.

Things are going to get dangerous because we're tenuous.

Well,

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, Mr Stone.

Well, it'll certainly be a lot easier now that Laurie's been removed.

Better you all round.