Original subtitles

Heard something.

Can't you just stop that now?

Oh, he keeps on moving it.

Valko! From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale.

Loads of two for one. Friendly staff, always happy to help. Am I getting paid

for this?

From chub to chops.

Don't forget the Valko tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way. Tick.

Tick. Serves you right.

Valko serves you right.

Whatever.

Quiet, isn't it?

Well, yes and no.

Mainly yes, but, you know, it's nothing to worry about.

Just because Louder has opened its store today doesn't mean we're not going to

give them a run for their money.

What with that special off -run rice?

Well, it is basmati rice, Daniel. Wow, it is dead in here.

Yes, well, as I've just been explaining to Daniel, just because Louder's open...

Oh, Louder, they are brilliant.

Judith Priest!

Is that a Louder breakfast bar?

Mm -hm.

Where's your loyalty, Colin?

Is that one of those with two fried eggs? Oh, yes.

Do you want to buy it? Go on, then.

Valco staff are not allowed to shop at Louder. Oh, Louder. Have they opened

already? They are brilliant.

Well, everyone just stop saying that.

Now, come on, get back to work.

We're really going to have to up our game, Gavin.

Well, it'll be fine.

This is just the quiet before the dull.

One more.

Neville, that's enough. That's not what you said last night.

Neb Neb wants another.

Oops. Ow.

Oh, what's he like?

A knob end.

Come on, I'm only messing.

I'm really happy. I'd like to be pleased with it. I am pleased for you and for

Neb Neb.

Aw, you're so sweet.

Can't wait for Mum and Dad to meet him. You're letting your Mum and Dad meet

him? They'll come in and see the new louder, but really it's to see Neville.

Told them all about him. Good idea. Otherwise, it might be a bit of a shock.

Say, don't get me wrong. There's lots of good things about Neville.

Like... Never killed anyone.

Hi there. I'm Katie.

I'm head of HR.

There's a few things that we have to go through first before I give you the

tour. Okey -dokey.

We can sit down now.

Here is your welcome pack.

Here is your uniform and name badge.

Oh, um, goodness.

I got loads of badges.

My best is from SeaWorld, though I've never actually been there. But this is

new favourite.

So, um, one of the good things about a new starter is we can find out a bit

about you so we know where's best to put you. Well, I'm 19 years old. I was born

in Warrington, in our front room.

Mum says I took 45 hours. That's why I'm so stubborn.

I like cats, but I'm not allowed long hair once because I'm allergic, which

fine with. So, actually, Mum, I'm not that stubborn. OK, I'll stop a minute.

What kind of things do you like doing at work?

Oh, I never worked anywhere before. Never been allowed.

But I know I can do this. I just know it. Whatever Mum says.

Colin, you're a man of the world. Could I trouble you for some advice?

Who's going to cost you, though, now? Twenty quid. Ah, go on.

I've only got five pounds on me, is... I'm just joking, Neville!

The thing is, I'm meeting Linda's parents today.

Oh. Well, that's that then, innit? Game over.

Yes, I'm rather worried about it. Yeah, I'm not surprised, mate. I'm really not.

It's like, she's young and fit. Yeah.

Whereas you, you're old and ugly.

No offence. No, not taken.

Linda says, when I meet them, I should just try and be myself.

Can you imagine it? Yeah. What would she think? I don't know.

Oh, that is brilliant. That is, oh.

Actually, we'll have that fibre, Nev.

I know what you're thinking.

Brian's a perv. No, you're thinking, did Brian really memorise every item of

shopping the last customer bought and could he recite them back to me just

that? No, I was thinking Brian's a perv. Fairy liquid, tomato soup, two packs of

kitchen roll, one jar of marmite and a bag of revels.

Mine palaces, castles of memory imprinted on the brain.

Well, you're wrong.

It was very liquid. Chicken soup, bag of tissues and a family pack of Monster

Munch. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

I think if you check the TIL receipt, you'll find that... Ha!

Yes!

Been on the TIL since I was 16.

Got a dead -age memory in me. Probably the best in here.

I doubt that very much.

Yeah, well, I don't doubt that even more much. All right, then.

Since you've thrown down the gauntlet, care to make it interesting?

I'm not stripping.

Oh, hell no.

I just meant that a fiver says I have a better memory than you.

You don't. And what's a gauntlet?

A metal glove.

You are a perv.

Gavin. Gavin.

Gavin!

I brought you a present.

Oh, is that a gentleman's bespoke hamper from your Frankfurt range? Just a

little something to say sorry.

It's so quiet in here, and I'm sure it's all our fault.

Well, I hadn't noticed.

Oh, when you lie, your ears go red. It's just a nipple. It's very sweet.

Anyway, vis -a -vis the hamper, I'm afraid I really can't accept it. Oh,

hang on.

Where is my phone?

Ah, where is it?

It's in your breast pocket.

Oh, yes.

Such an idiot, thank you.

Oh, no, it's just my...

Deputy manager, I'll call him back. It is chaos over there. We're jam -packed.

Well, yeah, we all have busy lives.

Anyway, I still can't accept this. It would give out the wrong message. Sorry,

what do you mean, message?

Well, I don't want people to think that I shop at Louder.

Now, madam, we have 10 % off rice today.

That is a Valco price promise.

Rice is free at Louder.

We've got a whole range of free giveaways for our opening week.

Nice one. Thanks.

I am so sorry.

I think I probably deserve something a little bit harder than that.

Anyway, listen, I must be going. Bye.

It should be pretty straightforward, but if... I feel so grown up in this.

It's officially my new best lease.

Should be straightforward, but if you have any questions, just ask.

You don't have to put your hand up. Sorry.

What should I do if someone asks me something?

Well, try and answer it as best you can, but if you can't, then just come and

find me.

What if it's a M -A -N?

A man?

I'm sure you can handle it.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, actually. I can, can't I? I can talk to whoever I

want.

Great. So I'm going to go to the loading bay and get you a cage to unpack, OK?

So you just wait here.

Hi, sir.

I never remember what we discussed. Do not be myself.

Do not be myself. Yeah, Paul.

This is my mum and dad, Dave and Sheila.

Hey, Dave Dog.

Bring it in.

Shields.

You don't look old enough to be Linda's mum.

You're still really fit.

Linda said you were quite a charmer. Well, I've certainly charmed the pants

your Linda, literally.

She never got her pants on.

You what?

Neville, why don't you tell my mum and dad about what you do here?

Basically, I'm King of Meat, a .k .a. the Burger King.

Although, to be honest, Dave...

Who needs burgers when you've got steak at home?

By steak, I do mean sex.

What is up with you?

I'll tell you one thing that's always up.

That's up all the time.

That's 20 quid I've lost to her. How's that even possible? It must be a fluke.

Of course, if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of

typewriters, they write the script for Hamlet.

Oh, they are clever, these monkeys, aren't they?

Hamlet. And PG tips.

No, this will not stand.

Lisa. What?

Four, seven, eight, nine, twelve, eighteen, six.

What's the fifth number?

It'll cost you.

Five. What's the fifth number?

Twelve. Ha!

Say them backwards.

Six, eighteen, twelve, seven, nine, eight, four.

You've forgotten the numbers, haven't you? No.

I thought you were supposed to be smart.

Aren't you going to be Dr.

Osmer? Oh, no, he's not a doctor. Are you, Dr. Brian?

Lisa, will you get back on your till, please?

There's no one here.

That's as may be, but as soon as we give up manning the tills, it'll look like

Valco can't be bothered, and the day that happens, we should all pack up and

home. Oh, good.

Margaret, that's just a saying.

Right, you.

Gavin?

I take it you haven't seen the Louder website?

No. They've posted a video of someone endorsing their new store?

It's not Cheggwin, is it? No.

It's you.

This is outrageous.

She's taken my words completely out of context.

Store security's been compromised. I need to instigate lockdown.

For the hundredth time, Ian, we do not have a procedure called lockdown.

And look what happened.

If they want to play dirty, so should we. We need to fight fire with fire.

Step one, shut down the internet.

Ian, do you really need to be here?

Look, we need to find out what they're doing over there. Special offers, free

giveaways, whatever it is, and then we undercut them. Two words, smoke bomb.

Yeah, apart from the illegality, how would that even help?

When they've evacuated the store, we go in.

We take photos with an infrared camera. We build a secret darkroom. We develop

the photos. Ten, twelve hours later, bam!

We see what they've got on offer.

Or we just tell someone over there to take a look.

I still don't see why I can't go.

Margaret's a sweet old lady.

She'll avoid suspicion.

I can avoid suspicion.

Go on, ask me where I work.

Where do you work?

How dare you ask me that?

Jolly! Just this sort of thing, it's not, you know... What?

One of your strong points.

So, go across to Lauda, find out what they have on special offer, then come

and tell us. Good luck, and eyes peeled.

Oh, eyes peeled.

Where is she? It's been an hour.

I told you you shouldn't have sent Margaret.

She's almost certainly got no experience of covert surveillance.

Do you think she's been rumbled?

If they have, they'll probably send her back piece by piece.

First an ear and a finger.

Oh, dear Lord.

Let's face it, if the tables were turned, we'd do the same.

Don't feel bad, Gavin. I mean, yes, you've probably sent an old woman to her

almost certain death.

It's for a noble cause.

Right, I'm calling the whole thing off. Ian, get over there and find her.

Permission to assemble an away team.

I volunteer, sir.

You're a good kid, but I can't promise things won't get hairy, Harry. I knew

that when I signed up for this. Let's roll.

Oh, no, stand down, Ian.

Come on.

Thank heavens, Margaret.

Are you OK?

Yes, I'm fine. Thank you, Gavin. And how are you?

What did you find out, Margaret?

Well, I bumped into my friend June.

June from Runcorn, not June from Witness.

Anyway, she's got a sister called Julie.

Not the Julie that worked here, another Julie.

Apparently. She's changed her hair colour from brunette to blonde.

My Alan always used to say, blondes may have more fun, but they get dirty

quicker.

You didn't actually go in the store, did you, Margaret?

No, we had a lovely chat to June.

Good.

Thank you, Margaret.

You can get back to work now.

All righty -o.

Right, we're going to have to send someone else.

No need, because I've already been.

What, you went to Lauda? Yes, and I took note of all the special offers and

everything. Not that I'm going to tell you about them, because someone didn't

think that reconnaissance was my strong point.

Actually, I'm too excited. I'll have to tell you what I found out.

And that's when I found a ginormous conker under a tree and soaked it in

overnight, which some people say is cheating, but it is not.

Right, can I just... Would you like some congers? Perhaps with your wife?

If you have a wife. Is everything all right there? I just want to know where

pasta is.

Pasta aisle two.

Bye.

Wow, that was so exciting.

I think that M -A -N is F -L -I -R -T. It's going to be quite a long day if you

keep spelling things out.

Anyway, there's been a spillage in the dairy aisle.

Do you really think I'm ready?

I really do.

I honestly thought Linda's dad was going to kill you, man.

Yes, on reflection, some of my behaviour was a tad misjudged. Right, Neville,

pinging a mum's bra strap is one thing.

Guessing her cups out with your nose. Come on!

Oh, Linda.

It's not the first time a woman has looked at me with anger and

but it's certainly the most recent.

What should I do?

Can't just give out free advice now.

People start to take advantage, man.

Come, Mum.

I've got three pounds, but I really do need it for my bus fare.

Sue, did Linda tell you?

Yeah.

Don't suppose she thought any of it was funny?

No. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

You should never have spoken to him.

Right, when I met Lisa's parents, I didn't say a word to him. Still haven't.

Yeah, for a while, I was the happiest man on earth. I never thought a

beautiful... A sane woman could ever love me, but she did.

And now I've lost her.

Three quid, Nav.

Three quid.

Sorry. It's all right.

I've made hundreds and hundreds of products, and they've over 20 members of

staff, and huge signs and massive writings saying what's on each aisle,

amazing deals. Yeah, three for two.

No, four for three.

Diamonds and pearls, four for three.

That's only for the Olympics and Royal Wedding.

We've got to fight back.

Quick. You're right, Daniel. But it's time to head into the danger zone. We

to match them four for three.

Or one better.

You don't mean five for four?

Let's do it.

I'll get the signage ready straight away.

Thank you, Charlie. You did well.

I did, didn't I?

There are 500 children in Dillip's school.

That's a funny name, isn't it, Dillip?

Just read the question.

Well, I don't think it's Philip.

Oh, I haven't got my glasses on.

Oh, no, it is. It's Dillip. Oh, it must be an Indian name.

Margaret, for the love of... What percentage of the children in the

Went to the zoo, 35%. Yes, come on.

What? She's not even read the question.

It's intuition.

You just can't teach her things like that.

Have you looked at the answers in the bag?

Yes. No. No.

Right.

Oh, and you're wrong.

Oh, it's 45%. You're crying out loud, Margaret.

I'm sorry, Dr. Brain. I must have turned the wrong page.

That's 50 quid now.

Oh, she really is clever, isn't she?

Excuse me, sir, do we sell humble pie?

Because I was wondering if you fancied eating some.

All right, maybe.

I'll drop you into this club.

And is there such a thing as apology soup?

No. That's a shame. That would have really helped with the joke I was

Look, I'm sorry, OK? I should have believed in you. Yes, you should have.

Oh, do we sell car alarms?

Are you still looking for that joke?

No, no, no, it's a genuine question, because over at Lauda, they sell loads

car stuff, and we don't sell any, so I feel like we're quite behind.

When you say loads of cars... Number plates, tyres,

lamps. They even change your exhaust pipe while you wait.

Where exactly did you go?

To the big shop across the road.

The one that says Ladder, not the one that says Halfords.

There were two... You went to Halfords, didn't you? I did, yeah, that's what I

did.

You know that humble pie you were talking about? Yes, I'd love a slice.

Thank you.

Charlie feels really bad about this.

Oh, yeah, it's probably for the best. I mean, five for four.

What kind of world are we living in?

It's like Mad Max.

Mind you, it's great value from half of it. I think I might pop by later on and

pick up some car mats.

Oh, Gavin!

Do you want to hear the rest of my story now?

Well, if it's all the same to you, Margaret, we are rather busy.

That's a shame.

And I tried ever so hard to remember it.

Oh, go on, then, if you're quick.

Oh, lovely.

So, you remember that I bumped into June? June from Runcorn, not... Yeah,

quicker than that. And anyway, it turns out that June's sister works at Louder.

What? And she says... Oh, I hope I get this right.

Lauda have moved sundry essentials to the front of the store to increase

footfall for the casual shopper, whilst keeping sale items at the back to ensure

customers pass by regularly priced items.

Mum and Dad are going.

Anything you want to say to them?

Not sure there's any point.

You've obviously made your mind up about me, and you're right.

I am a 50 -year -old, divorced, supermarket butcher, living in a bedsit

infested with ladybirds.

Neville, it's not helping.

What Neville means is he's dead sorry about earlier.

He was really nervous because he wants you to like him. Yes, he is a penniless

loser that no other girl would touch with a barge pole, but he really loves

Linda. She's the best thing that's ever happened to him, and I've never seen her

so happy.

Give him a chance, eh?

If Sue says you're all right, that's good enough for us.

How about we start again?

I would love to.

It's great to meet you, Dave.

And it's lovely to meet you, Sheila.

Come here, you.

I didn't... Thank you, goodbye.

Don't worry. I got... £60, Brian.

£60. How do you get that? What's the capital of Latvia?

Riga.

Damn it.

Yes.

Debbie's ending.

Add that low. Come on, Mary. Come on, Ferry.

Moving those essentials to the front of the store has really paid off. You have

to hand it to Cheryl Fairweather. She's a retail genius.

Although we're not actually that busy, we're just back to normal.

Ah, normal.

The best word in the English language.

Sorry again, Gavin.

Thanks for not sacking me.

Don't mention it.

Mind you, the last person who sacked me, my dad locked them in a coffin for

three days.

Stayed at that poor woman's hair when she finally crawled out.

You trip along, you two. Off home now.

Only right.

I feel terrible about putting you on the website. It was just supposed to be a

bit of fun.

Take this.

No tricks this time. If I were to eat any of those things, it would leave a

bad taste in my mouth.

I see you've put sundry essentials to front of house.

Touche.

Touche, I am dead.

Oh, go on, take it. You've earned it.

This hamper...

is full of substandard products from an overpriced, arrogant supermarket.

Have you got that there, Cheryl?

Yes. Yes, I have.