Original subtitles

Heard something.

I think we should just stop that now.

Oh, he keeps on moving it. From chub to chops.

From booze to biscuits.

Red Hot Dale.

Load to two for once. Am I getting paid for this?

The finest butchers, the freshest meat.

Don't forget the Valco tick.

Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way. Tick.

Tick serves you right.

Valco serves you right.

Whatever.

Now we're careful of the stoppers. You have to counteract that with an anti

-clockwise revolution.

So what are you planning to tell them?

Well, the truth, of course, Daniel.

They're all adults.

They can handle it.

You say so.

Bing bong bing!

Good morning, campers. Now, before we open the shop floor to the masses...

There's just a couple of items on the agenda.

Now, I want you to keep up with the eye contact initiative as per head office's

new campaign, make a connection, sell more confection.

And we've got a weather dependent two -for -one on either barbecue items or

umbrellas.

TBC. And it appears we have new neighbours in Unit 4.

Sorry, Gavin, what was that?

Unit 4 is opening up. Opening up as what, Gavin?

All right, all right. The rumours are true.

Tupac's still alive.

What? No, no. It has been confirmed to me that it is going to be... another

supermarket. What?

Whoa, hang on. On our patch.

Which supermarket?

Fingers crossed for a Morrison.

Margaret. Which supermarket, Gabby?

Well, it's going to be a, um... Louder.

Oh, no!

It's one of them dead cheap Yugoslavian places.

I thought it was Danish. But it does mean loads of fit till girls.

Why? Lauda is actually Scandinavian, for we're all going to lose our jobs.

All right, just, you know, calm yourselves, everyone. Now, I will admit

have roamed the consumer jungle alone, and now another beast has entered our

domain, like the Lion King.

Yeah, yeah.

A bit like the Lion King, Harry, yes. Will you be singing Hakuna Matata?

Very unlikely. Look, I want to assure you all that if you have any queries or

questions whatsoever... Yes, I do.

..Daniel's door is always open.

I haven't got a door.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a new member of staff to induce.

Gavin, I don't have a door.

Thank goodness you're here.

It's going to be a bit of a baptism of HR fire today, I'm afraid.

Nothing's changed there, then.

Well, at least I've got my paper on to fall back on.

You lot are screwed.

Guys, that simply won't be the case.

I've heard you can get 42 lamb cutlets for a fiver at a louder.

That's more lamb than you get on an actual lamb for a fiver. What a shame.

What a shame.

Look, I'm disappointed too, Brian.

But there's always the other Morrisons on Sankey Road. We can always go there

instead.

Hi. Can you tell me where I can find eggs?

Chicken!

No, sorry. I mean, where in the store?

Oh, heck, yeah, of course you do.

To tell you the truth, madame, I do not have a clue, but here is one.

A duvet hogger, that'll be able to tell you.

Are you talking about me?

Look at him, acting all innocent.

Yeah, you. Just because you spoon me, it doesn't mean that I don't want some of

the duvet too. Oh, thank you very much.

Honestly, in the end, I had to find some of his boxers to put on. Don't worry,

I'm not still wearing them. Here they are. Charlie!

And the egg, sir?

Oh, unfertilised. I have very strict rules there. Charlie!

Just here, madam. I'll do.

Sorry.

You can't talk about us like that here.

Why? In case people think you're trying to sleep your way to the top? No, no.

Because it's just not professional.

I need to lay some ground rules, okay?

What, like no running in the corridors?

Like no talking about work at home and no talking about us at work. Okay, got

it. Why?

Because otherwise it's going to be hard to resist you.

Oh, I did not expect you to say that. Okay, sorry, no, you're right. Serious

face. Serious face. Okay.

There's a few names I don't recognise.

Oh, and here's one now. Daniel, you won't remember Katie. Katie, this is

Daniel is my new jeweler.

Hey. Hi.

And Katie was with us for years, and then she went to... Newquay.

Newquay, and now she's back, which is what people do, and so she deserves no

further comment or intrusive questions about private lives, OK?

OK.

Yuki's nice. I used to go there. Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Let's just not dwell on Yuki, OK?

It's because I finished with my boyfriend.

Oh.

Right, I've got you. Sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

So, um... Anyway, Gavin, when you have a moment, I really need a word about

Lada. Oh, all in good time, Daniel.

Right. Listen, Katie, I don't want to talk out of turn, but I'm really sorry

about what happened with you and...

Yeah, Karen.

No, you're a pretty girl.

Thanks. Got a few good years left in you before that fertility window shuts.

So would you like to show me where my desk is?

Yes. Now, the truth be told, Katie, your predecessor, Andrea, she left her

position under something of a cloud.

Oh, really? I say a cloud. It was actually a blanket held by two police

officers. And so I'm afraid you won't be able to use her old desk for quite some

time.

But in the meantime, au revoir.

This is the beginning of the end, Margaret. The golden age of retail is

should look at getting out of this business altogether.

If I don't have this job, Graham, what do I do?

You need a backup plan.

I suppose I'll have to go on game again.

Sorry? I know it's not a decent way of making a living.

And Alan's never keen.

Till I bring the money home, that is.

that my friend's daughter brought home nearly £90 other Friday night. Dear

no.

Do you know, I'm sure I've got some of my lucky sheets in the back cupboard.

God. There's money to be made in bingo, Brian, I'm telling you.

So, in general, the layout is the same. Oh, Margaret, look who's back with us.

Hiya, Katie, love. How were your weekend?

You do know I've been gone a lot longer than that, don't you?

Well, was it a bank holiday?

Oh, honestly, I can't keep track of them these days.

No, Margaret, I moved to Newquay.

Oh, for a weekend?

You daft ape of... You should have just got a B &B.

Well, there you go. It's literally as if you've never been away.

Oh!

You know, it's totally, totally my fault.

I'll go get someone to clean it up.

Allow me.

No, no, look at you. You've covered.

Oh, listen, don't worry about me. It's you that... Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry. Have you got a nosebleed? You should really tip your

forward if you've got a nosebleed. Or is it backwards? Oh, I can't remember.

No, I'm all right. No nosebleeds. Oh, I've got a hanky. Do you want one? Oh.

Oh, yes.

How very kind of you. Thank you.

You've got a yoghurt on your nose.

Have I?

I hadn't noticed.

I guess they're talking about us.

I better go and pay for this. Oh, no. No, please. This one's on me.

I am the manager after all.

Oh, you're the manager, are you?

Yes.

Well, good to meet you, Gavin the manager.

Guess I'll be seeing you around.

OK, be careful, eh? I've got it, I've got it, I've totally got it.

Totally got it.

And I am sorry... again.

This is Gusta and Anthony.

This week on, their in -house baked items are on special.

Now, that's the Falco offer you don't want to make.

You're right, this door.

So, come on, then.

Give me the stories. What did he do?

Do you mean? You know what I mean, Neville. What disaster struck?

Left his passport in the taxi so he couldn't come with you? No.

Got both his legs trapped in the hotel lift?

You shut up. What then?

We had a very lovely time, thank you very much.

Filling you in on the holidays, she?

Yeah, I am. I'm telling her that we had a very lovely time. That's what it was,

Neville, wasn't it? It was a very lovely time.

Oh, yes. Yes, it was. Yes, it was a very... Lovely time.

Lovely time.

Yep. Right, come on, you lot. If we're going to get the answers we need, we

to stick together. We're stronger as one unit.

But I thought we knew everything already.

We know nothing, Harry, nothing.

I'm just not sure I want to make a fuss, Brian.

Good God, Ian, imagine if Gandhi had said, I'm just not sure I want to make a

fuss, Brian. What? I would have said to him what I'm saying to you. I would have

said, look, Mahatma, it's making a fuss that gets things done around here.

The point is, we all need assurances that we're going to have jobs to go to

time next week. Now, are you with me? Collie, please, sir. Do we get paid?

Obviously. Wicked.

Well,

that's more like it, because I'm telling you now, I won't rest until I know for

certain that each and every one of us has a Valco future to look forward to.

Now, let's do this.

I've got to say, Brian, big respect to you for standing up for us all like

Yeah, Brian.

Especially considering you're the only one whose job is actually safe.

I don't follow.

Well, Lowder's not of a pharmacy, did he?

Really? Well, I didn't know that.

I, uh, did not know that.

Hey, where do you think you're going? Well, there's no point going in mob

-handed, is there?

Hang on.

What happened to being more like Gandhi? Yes, but where did it actually get him

in the end, eh?

Good luck.

That was some fitty penalty. What's all this? Like you're out of order, Gavin.

Yeah. What for?

I don't know.

We're just a bit worried that Loud is really going to make an impact. Yeah, we

need to know our jobs are safe.

I'm only ever one paycheck away from bankruptcy again.

Yeah, and some of us have children to feed.

I mean, not me, obviously. Right, well, listen, thanks for your concern, I

think, but this is now a matter for HR.

Falco has absolutely no intentions of making anybody redundant.

Right. Right, so does anybody have any questions?

Yes.

Is Kieran back too, then?

Um, um, no.

No, he's not.

Why is that? Because you split up?

Um, I mean questions more about... So, did things end ugly, or did you stay

mates? Um, we're still mates, thanks, Colin.

Real friends, I just Facebook friends.

I'm not really sure it matters right now. Well, I think it matters to poor

Kieran. You never even met him. Or me.

Anyway, everything's fine.

It's all good. Everything's fine. Good. Thanks, Neville.

So, does anybody have any more questions? Any questions not about me

Gavin, you need to see this.

They're allowed to advertise.

Gavin, they're putting them everywhere.

Windscreens on our bodies.

I found this in the special dietary requirements.

Hadrons collide?

They've infiltrated the store?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is just not on. That's not on.

What are you going to do?

They'll leave me no option, Daniel.

I'm going to have to send them a very strongly worded fax.

So, basically, I...

I think that some reassurance from, say, more of a man's material sort of role

would be very beneficial.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, trying to get our lunch in, mate.

Keith, can I call you back, please?

Yeah, thank you.

What do you want?

That bread and butter pudding, but they don't do it on a Thursday.

No. What do you want from me? Because this is my office now, so... Yeah, we're

temporary. Look, look, look, Katie.

Right? I think it's best if we were all adults about this.

OK? I know for a fact you came back here because of me.

No, we didn't. You said you'd say that. Yeah, because it's true.

Right?

I need to say this.

This, you, us, it can never be.

OK? Look, he's tasted Nando's now.

He's not going to bother with a kebab.

You know what I mean?

Seriously.

Guys, let me be very, very clear. I did not come back here for

Colin, OK? There was a good job opportunity and I took it.

Yeah, a job Gavin just made up for you because you and him are maids.

Human resources is not made up.

I'm in charge of staff recruitment, workforce planning and employee

levels. All right, OK then, Katie.

Improve my satisfaction levels. Go on, I dare you.

You can't do this. Oh, yes, I can. I'm not wearing a hairnet.

Oh, yeah, you are.

Oh, and actually, that beard needs something, too. Food hygiene rules are

clear. Oh, that's amazing.

You look amazing.

Great.

Run for a small one?

No.

You know where we're at this time of the day, don't you? Oh, please. Yes,

indeedy.

Max's Bar and Grill.

Bar and Grill.

And Linda told me all about that pool.

Oh, yes, yes, it was... Oh, it was freezing.

Oh, busted like a bat, you said. What's going on? Come on, Linda, out with it.

Oh, fine, you tell whenever.

I knew it. Tell me what, tell me what. Well, it's a funny story, actually.

Not funny. Well, it's not funny. It's the first night we decided to go skinny

dipping. A bottle of champagne on the beach, stars twinkling upon our naked

bodies. Enough, what happened?

Woke up with a meemic dysentery.

Yes, spent the whole two weeks in the apartment.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

We had a great time.

It's the best holiday I've ever had. With my little giggle.

Yeah, once the vomiting and the diarrhoea had subsided.

Little giggle, giggle.

It's not funny, sir.

The whole two weeks. The whole two weeks. Oh, amazing, amazing.

It's really not that funny, sir.

It's just me, Eddie.

Look, I'm as worried about Louder as the next man, but competition could be a

healthy thing, Daniel. Keep his on his toes, stop us getting flabby.

I just think we might need to take the threat more seriously. Louder are

cleaning up. They're opening up everywhere.

Sorry, one second.

Hi.

Hi.

You'll have to keep your eye on this one. Ian, she'll be wrecking the place

again if we're not careful.

You what? I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, don't be. No point crying over spilt probiotics.

Anyway, what brings you back so soon?

You do.

Sorry. Because you sent me this.

Where is it? Hang on, sorry.

Where is it?

Sorry.

Is this a balsam burner? Ah, yes.

Cease and desist.

How did you get that?

Well, you sent it to me, silly.

I'm the manager of the new Louder.

I just wish you'd mentioned it a little earlier, that's all.

Um, Daniel, I'd like you to meet Cheryl. Cheryl, hello.

She's the manager of Louder, apparently.

I mean, how could I tell you who I was after... Is that it?

What?

It is. I knew it would be a Dolby 3000.

Oh. You can always tell by the initial pigment quality.

You can, can't you?

You know, not a lot of people appreciate the finer copy quality of this model.

You know, the fax is more popular than the email in Japan.

Is it? You know, I'm not surprised. They're very civilised people, the

Gavin, you probably want to have a word with Cheryl about a few things.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, I do. Now, listen, these leaflets, they've got to stop.

What leaflets?

Yeah, no, I'm sorry. Not funny.

Can we just put that down to an enthusiastic team?

Well, I suppose this time we can... They were putting them up in our stall.

Yeah, and I shall personally see that they sooth and assist forthwith.

OK, is there anything else? No?

Well, in that case, I should be getting back, so... Oh, but, Gavin, no, no, I

should go. Oh, no, no, no, please, what were you going to say?

Well, I... I mean, there's just no need for this to get unfriendly. You know,

I'd like to think that I could occasionally pop over and borrow a

of sugar every now and again.

You're so right.

Listen, I've got a business card here somewhere.

If you...

Want to give me a call? Just... Oh, chewing gum. Do you want some?

No, thank you.

Ah, yes.

Here we go. There you go.

You're a plumber.

No, that's the wrong one. That one.

Now, listen.

Don't be strangers, all right? We're neighbours now, so call me if you want.

not.

I'm going to go now. I'm going to... Go, I'm going.

Just pull.

Sorry. It's a bulldog.

Bulldog.

What was that?

She's quite something, isn't she?

Okay, okay.

Sorry. Point taken, right? You're lashing out because you can't have me. I

that. But if you put me on the deli permanently, it doesn't mean I'm going

change my mind, Katie.

Right? I'm releasing you.

Katie, you two are like ships passing in the night, right? But us two, we're

like ships totally docked. And we just keep docking and docking night after

night.

That's really beautiful, Lisa. I'll try and keep that in mind.

Night then.

Night then. Night.

Well, have a good evening, Daniel. Whatever it is you may be doing with

it is you may be doing it with.

Thank you, Charlie, I will.

I myself will be somewhere else entirely, not doing anything with you or

at all.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

Wait, I don't get it.

Well, we're not in work now, are we?

Oh, awesome.

But you will actually have to explain those rules to me again because I'm

actually quite confused.

Let yourself in. I'll be done in about an hour or so. OK, bye.

You still look like you've got a bit of a tan anyway.

Oh, do I?

Really? Well, maybe not a tan as such, but you definitely look a bit flushed.

you get it?

Flushed? Yeah, very funny. Thank you. Oh, don't get a cob on. I'm only yanking

your chain.

Oh, go on, then.

Hey, Linda, come back. I'm on a roll here. Not this year any more.

Well,

I think you were right about not worrying now that I've met Cheryl

Who's this?

Is this Cheryl Fairweather?

As in me, Cheryl Fairweather?

I guess.

What have you heard of her?

Only in my nightmares.

She's won Golden Grocer for the last four years.

She's the supermarket management legend.

Really?

That's like you say, Gavin.

Some things are out of your hands and now you're just worrying, hey?

Are you insane?

It's Cheryl Fairweather.

Cheryl Fairweather.