Original subtitles

You're going to be so much more than my living gentleman friend.

Yeah? You'll be that fella that pays the bills, too.

It's nice talking to you, Adam. Yeah, me too.

I'll be closing the video shop as soon as possible.

You're fired, Lawrence.

Fired. Remember we talked about putting some of the utilities in your name? I'm

supposed to be keeping us afloat until she's finished her paramedic training.

Yes, I know about the plan. All I have to do is get another job before she

out to flick Shaggy's shot.

This is insane.

I'm not saying I won't have to do a lot of lying and sneaking around.

So,

I haven't had any direct supermarket experience, per se, except for being a

customer, of course.

But I've always thought it was a fascinating world.

Are you trying to be funny?

No.

All the selling, tidying up, briquettes over there.

There's so much going on.

I'd love to see backstage, as it were.

Well, take it all in.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase.

Tell me, Lawrence, what do you consider to be your greatest strengths?

Strengths? Let me see.

Well, I'm good, very good, if I say so myself, on general knowledge.

General knowledge?

Well, if you want me to be more specific, I'm particularly strong on

kings and queens of England, and the real names of celebrities who use fake

names.

Anything else you'd like to list as a strength?

I would say I'm good with people, provided they're not morons.

And I've got nice handwriting.

Yeah.

What about weaknesses?

Weaknesses? Me?

No, no.

No. No weaknesses?

Oh, come on, Lawrence. We all have weaknesses. It's a very standard

Is it? Yeah. Oh.

Well, I don't like working under any kind of pressure.

I much prefer things to be slow and easy. The less hassle, the better. Ah.

Anything else?

I have a lifelong fear of wasps.

Really? Yeah. No time for them.

Tell me, where do you see yourself in five years' time?

With any luck, I'll still be stacking shelves here.

I'm not going to lie to you, Lawrence. That doesn't sound like it went as well

as it might have. Yeah, I know.

Did you mention about being passionate, like I told you?

Employers love to hear the word passion. No, I forgot.

Okay,

lack of preparation.

Here's what I think the problem is. I blame myself.

Yeah, so do I.

Right, I'm on my way back to your place to... Hide?

I was trying to think of a better word for it, but yes, to hide.

Hey, Lawrence, how's it going?

Too bad about the flick shack?

Listen, if you happen to bump into Molly, don't mention to her. She's very

about the whole thing, way more than I am, even.

Oh, God, love her.

But you'll be fine. You'll find something.

Like a man of your... You'll find something. Thanks, Tara. If you do

hear anything, anything at all, no matter how disgusting or dangerous, let

know. No bother.

Right, this better be good. I would rest rehearsal now.

Oh, yeah?

What's the show?

Seven brides for seven brothers, but there wasn't enough boys and I was the

one in, so I'm playing a fecking brother.

It's good to be stretched, I suppose.

Yeah.

So, listen, this flatmate of yours, Ruth, we went for breakfast the other

morning. I'm sure she mentioned it.

No.

Well, anyway, we had a nice little chat and I got to thinking... I don't know if

you're a type, the whole older guy thing and everything.

OK, Adam.

What do you want, her phone number? Her second name for Facebook stalking?

Yeah, I'd prefer the personal, don't you? She works in Air Force One.

Thank you. You're a pal.

Can I go now?

With my very best wishes.

Lots of luck.

Who is?

Oh, hi, Adam.

Hi, Siobhan.

Hi. This is the bride.

Yeah.

Did I have a word?

Yeah.

Okay. I was just passing by.

Oh, just passing by, were you?

Yeah. And how did you know where I worked?

I asked Tara.

Oh, right.

And then I made a point of passing by.

Interesting.

Anyway, do you fancy going to the park for a bit of lunch?

Er... Well,

you'd have to give me about 20 minutes here, I'd say.

Oh, you go on. We're nearly done.

Mary can finish me off. Are you sure?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, then. Lunch at the park would be lovely. Thank you.

OK. I'll see you outside.

Yeah.

Thank you, Siobhan. See you.

Not now, no.

How long do you think those two have been together?

25 years, maybe?

30? If they still come to the park every day for lunch, it kind of gives you

hope, doesn't it?

You think so?

Oh, you don't?

I'd say they're both married to other people, and this is the only time they

to spend alone.

I'd say you watch too many soap operas.

Right, well, I asked them. I believe you would. I would, yeah.

Please don't. No, love.

No, I'm stuck in the office.

Bedroom here.

Now, that's just spooky.

How did you manage that?

I'm a hairdresser. We know these things.

Do we have to watch yet another programme about the economy?

I get it.

It's ruined. Well, the simple way out of this horrible situation would be to go

to bed, like I asked you half an hour ago.

Oh, there's the working man.

How'd you go on today?

Good. Do you know what we practised injections on? I was surprised. Do not

me.

I'm going to say melon.

Yes, aren't you? Aren't you?

Yep, yep. Makes sense.

Are you watching this? I recorded a university challenge earlier.

Are you sure you don't miss in the pub quiz, Lawrence?

Yes, Aisling, I'm sure.

We were learning about drug addiction in school the other day.

There's this thing called methadone. All right, Aisling, that's enough. Bedtime.

Going, I'm going.

By the way, there's a school trip coming up. They announced it today.

Paris. Loads of my friends are going there. Sorry, Ashley, we can't afford

sort of thing. Not just now.

It's not even dear.

It doesn't matter. We can't afford it. Welcome to your mother, Ashley.

So what?

Are we flat broke?

Is that what you're saying? Well, we're not going to starve, but we're not going

shopping for boats anytime soon.

Look, we've got each other, and that's the main thing, isn't it? So long as we

have Lawrence's little bit of money coming in, we should consider ourselves

lucky and... Go on and so forth.

She never lets me finish a speech.

Getting into that one.

Excuse me, what's this?

What's what?

What are you doing with the clothes?

Oh, this?

This is the system I have with my mother.

System?

Really?

Yeah.

It saves me having to wait for a big wash to be done on the phone. I need a

garment or two in a hurry.

I leave them highly visible in the appropriate place so she doesn't...

So you won't miss them.

Lawrence, come here.

Yeah?

Come here.

I am not your mammy and I am not your maid.

If you leave me little jobs to do that you could easily do yourself, I will

punch you in the throat while you sleep.

Are we clear?

Well, I don't know. I will teach you.

It would be my pleasure.

So, Lawrence, tell me everything you know about what we do here.

Established in 2007, Nutcracker Finance is a leading provider of loan

consolidation and short -time financial solutions.

You're 100 % Irish -owned, and being Irish, you're ideally placed... That's

our website.

Forbatham. You just learned it off by heart.

Excuse me?

I have a lot of passion for jobs, for doing jobs.

I passionately would like you to give me this job, please. Lawrence, I have to

find two dozen new people in a real hurry.

Now, I could sit here and give you the whole spiel about self -starter this and

team player that, but you seem like a decent skin.

This is pretty simple phone work we're talking about.

A reasonably smart gorilla could do it.

Maybe even a chimp.

Now, are you as smart as Reno? You've got that backwards.

I'm sorry.

Chimps and gorillas. Chimps are smarter.

Don't get me wrong. Gorillas are intelligent animals.

But chimps use tools. They can be taught... Lauren!

Lauren! Lauren!

It's just a metaphor.

It's a simile, not a metaphor, but to answer your question, yes, I'm easily

intellectual equal of any of the great apes.

Good for you.

In that case, welcome aboard.

Really?

This is great. This is just fantastic.

Molly will be delighted.

She's my girlfriend.

I've got a girlfriend. Super.

Now, there'll be a one -month probation period, of course, at the end of which

the position will be made permanent.

What? So you're saying I haven't really got the job?

I'm saying you have really got the job at the end of your one month's

A month, right. Now, I really have to push on. Is there anything you'd like to

ask me before you go?

Yeah, the name Nutcracker Finance.

What's that about?

No financial nut is too difficult for us to crack.

Gotcha.

So it's nothing to do with cracking people's nuts if they don't pay the

back. No. Because I wouldn't be any good at that. Of course not.

Listen,

thank you very much, really.

No problem.

Just in the dress code.

I can wait.

You got what?

The job?

Really? Yes.

Wow. What, was the guy drunk or what? Ha, ha, ha.

Well, that's impressive.

That's what I'm always there.

I haven't told her yet.

You want more?

There's a one -month probation period until that's behind me. Probation

mean anything, Lauren.

That's just in case you make a complete ball of it. I don't want to tell Molly

I've probably got a job. I want to tell her I've definitely got a job.

Suppose I tell her and then I get the boot.

She'd be kicking the teeth twice.

I don't know about you. I only want her kicking the teeth once.

Let's not kick her at all.

Exactly. What are we arguing about?

Starting in two minutes, people.

Why did you wait until the quiz was on before you told me?

Adam, you're imagining things.

Round one, question one, coming up. That's it, now that I am here.

Home. Aye.

Go home.

In which movie is a character called... Hey, Ruth.

Thought this place was too fuddy -duddy for a young whippersnapper like you.

Fuddy -duddy?

Whippersnapper? My God, has it talked like a Victorian day again already?

Sorry? If I get too drunk, you're going to take me home on your horse and

carriage.

Lawrence, this is Ruth. Ruth, Lawrence.

Lawrence, how do you do?

I do good.

Lawrence is just leaving.

Good night, all.

He's a little.

What can I get you to drink?

White wine, please. And no, I don't care which kind.

OK.

Hi.

How are you?

We're just going to go up the back. There's a quiz or something going on.

yeah, yeah.

Well, you know what? I think I'm going to join you. You just don't give a damn,

do you?

Well, my confirmation name is Danger.

Yeah. Um, Katrina's just gone up there. OK. Thanks.

So... Are they with you?

Oh, I think it's a bit more like I'm with them.

She probably won't talk to them then. Probably should, yeah.

There you go, keep the change.

By the way, if you're planning to see Seven Brides this week, my understudy

be in.

He's good, like.

But if you want to wait to see my performance, the tickets can be

All right, then.

Round one.

Lawrence, say something.

Like what?

That's plenty.

I just wanted to check you were still alive.

If you've got a dorsal pedal pulse, I can't find it. Do the carrot head again.

love that one. No, I have to get this right.

Listen, when do you start working nights?

Oh, not for a few weeks. Why?

Maura was in the shop today. Turns out she does have some ideas for the place.

She's convinced herself for some reason that we should open at nine in the

morning. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and she's promised some neighbours to get a job there.

We're going to split the time.

I'll be doing nine to 5 .30.

It'll be weird, I suppose, but I'll get used to it. I am not deadly.

There'll be someone here for Aisling when I start doing mine.

Well, exactly.

Good morning, sir. Can I help you? Yes, I'm starting work here today.

Well, training, anyway. I thought you were coming important for a minute, with

the suit on and all.

Not that you're not important.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

Don't worry about it.

Well, you're very welcome.

You're very welcome, too.

I mean, thank you.

Can I take your name?

Lauren.

Lauren... L -A -W...

Laurence what?

Your second name? Sorry, Duffy.

Just a moment.

I'm Carol, by the way.

I'm really looking forward to meeting everybody.

Hey.

This whole colleagues thing is new to me.

I worked alone before.

Oh yeah, what was your old job?

I was an assassin.

Sorry, that was a joke.

I was in the film industry.

Is that a joke too?

Yeah, kind of.

This document forms the basis of our sessions here.

As you can see, it's divided up into four sections, the first of which is

guidelines. That's what we'll be covering this morning. This afternoon,

move on to... Yes.

I was told this job could be done by a chimp, maybe even a gorilla.

I don't like the sound of legal guidelines.

I'm sorry, what's your name?

Lawrence Duffy.

And who did you interview with, Lawrence?

Um, Desi something.

Desmond White.

I know him.

I think the obvious point here is that you never, ever argue with a client. You

are polite and...

Softly spoken, and when it became clear you were dealing with a person who

wasn't being reasonable, you ended the call, but you signed off correctly.

You didn't just hang up.

And now who's next?

Hello?

Hello, this is Lawrence Duffy from Nutcracker Finance.

I'm calling in regard to your recent... You

contacted us about a financial loan.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Okay, I would like to... Everything's just got on top of me lately.

So many bills.

Right. If we could just... Things have gotten so bad, I've taken to drink.

I'm drunk right now.

Well, there's nothing wrong with having an occasional drink now and again.

There isn't? No.

People have been producing alcoholic drinks since Neolithic times.

Really? Yeah.

There were dedicated wineries at least 6 ,000 years ago.

You could say it's part of being human.

So I'm willing to bet you'll feel a whole lot

better once you get your lungs sorted out. Hang on a second, Lawrence.

Can anyone see what's gone wrong here?

What?

Well...

We try not to sell loans to people who are drunk when we talk to them.

Well, is that not the perfect time?

Lawrence? Yo.

Hang on a second.

So, listen.

How do you think that went?

It was great. It was really great.

I'm very passionate.

I don't doubt it for a second. However, I have to be honest.

Lawrence, and tell you phone work might not be for you. No, no, no, Jacinda, no,

please. I really need this job. Lawrence, I know what I'm talking about.

Please. There's no way in hell I'm letting you loose on our phones.

However, there may be other options.

How's your typing?

Not great. Two fingers.

Maybe a not thumb.

I'm trying to do you a favour here, Lawrence. I'll ask again.

How's your typing?

Two fingers, but a very fat two fingers.

And frequent thumbs. Excellent. How do you like the sound of client profile

acquisition? Love it. What is it?

Data entry.

Fiona, I have a guy I'm going to send down to see you.

Lauren Stuffy.

Hang on now.

Around the back.

Oh, I let it go.

Give me a second.

You going anywhere nice on your holidays?

Maybe it'd be better if I stood still and you rotated.

I know.

How's that?

Comfortable?

Better.

As if it's a real sprain wrist.

I don't think I'd have been so patient.

Do you see what I did there?

Good one.

Molly, hey, how's it going?

Is everything okay? Shouldn't you be in class?

No, we got out early. I told you about it last night. You grunted.

Right. Anyway, I could do with a bit of cheering up.

Can I stop by for a visit?

Sure,

that sounds great.

Are you far away?

No, I'm just going to park in Adams.

What? At the Blue Swan.

In five minutes.

Lovely, bye.

Are you okay?

Here, let me get this for you.

Sorry. Be careful, will you? I'm really sorry. I hope you're going.

Hiya.

I didn't see you there. It was miles away.

Are you locking the whole place up?

Yeah. I've had enough of that.

Coffee? Yeah.

Can I, yeah?

Oh, yeah.