Original subtitles

Hi, there.

Hey.

You know you've got

a fair amount of blood on you there, sir?

Oh. Huh.

Yeah, it's not even mine. It was just this...

Never mind.

Hey, listen, I need you to take this thing off my hands,

just make it someone else's problem, you know?

I mean, I thought my boys were gonna love it, but, uh...

Let me tell you, man, they will not.

No, it's not, uh... a toy,

so just don't ever call it that.

It's a, uh...

It's...

Actually, I don't know exactly what it is.

Besides, it appears to be broken.

See, the drumstick seems to be stuck in the up position.

You do not want the goddamn drumstick to come down.

Okay?

Because when it does,

I promise you, we are all fucked to hell.

Okay?

Woah... Oh...

Okay...

Well, sir, can't speak for you,

but, heh, I don't feel especially fucked to hell.

Hot dog.

Who's smiling now, you infernal son of a whore?

Argh!

YEAH!

I don't know if every father

passes some secret horror onto his kids.

But mine sure did.

♪ Come on, baby, while the thrill is on ♪

♪ Come on, baby, let's have some fun ♪

♪ Come on, baby, let the good times roll ♪

♪ Roll all night long ♪

My name is Hal Shelborn.

This is me and my twin brother, Bill.

Well, this is us before everything.

Bill was the kind of kid who would say, "shake on it,"

but then pull his hand back and pretend to slick his hair.

He was older than me by three minutes

and ate most of my mom's placenta.

So that made him my "big" brother.

A role he took seriously

and treated me like shit whenever he got the chance.

I've been meaning to tell you...

Mom says she hates you because you made dad leave,

and now she has to go on dates.

But I managed to love him anyway,

even if I did sometimes fantasize

about being an only child.

I hate you, Bill Shelborn.

My mom raised us on her own

for as long as she could, at least.

And my mom,

well, I can remember her perfectly,

like it was yesterday.

Your father...

Well, your father went out for a pack of cigarettes

and never came back.

Just made like an egg and...

scrambled.

And sure, sure,

I could have been one of his stewardesses, but,

of course, the deadbeat never took me anywhere.

He just brought back

Swiss cuckoo clocks and bonsai trees.

Knick-knacks and souvenirs

to stuff our closet full.

And one day, my darling boys,

all of that horse shit will be yours.

We knew my mom thought it was a bunch of junk.

But for Bill and me,

Dad's closet was full of clues to who he was.

There she is.

Old deadbeat's disguise.

The hell's that thing from?

Paris, France or something?

It says, "Organ Grinder Monkey."

"Like Life."

You mean "lifelike," dumbshit.

No.

What?

Give me that thing.

Here.

You think this does junk if I turn this?

Don't, Bill. It's Dad's.

Dad's gone, fuckface.

And I'm his next of "skin,"

so legally, everything in here's mine.

Stupid thing's broken anyway.

Don't come in our room, dumbshit.

Shotgun, obviously.

Christ, what's worse than a blind date?

I'd rather take my chances

and kiss a goddamn frog and see what happens.

Okay, boys! Uh, no soda after you brush your teeth.

And no fires,

and no video games because of the last fire.

I tried to tell them no fires,

but these boys are nothing but willish.

Thank you, babysitter Annie.

I'll be home by midnight.

Okay, boys, I've got only one rule for tonight.

Keep your hands off the hot parts of the table.

Okay?

I'll try, but...

I'm just a man.

Bill, knock it off.

Holy shit!

Maybe an experience like that

could have brought me and Bill closer.

But it turned out one freak tragedy

wasn't going to be nearly enough.

Fuck.

How is her head still together?

Sh. Sh. Sh.

Don't think about it too much.

Oh, fuck.

Uuuuhhh...

Oh, yeah.

Today, we are here with Annie Wilkes.

Gone by accident...

rather, in an accident

because, you know, there's no accidents.

Um... Is there a divine plan?

Sure, you know, uh, maybe.

Call it a coin toss, you know, heads or tails, heh.

But not Annie's head

because that is,

uh, separate.

That's a separate issue. Uh...

Uh... You know, why her, though, right?

Why Annie?

Why not you?

Or you?

Everything for a reason, yeah, totally.

And it is what it is.

Uuuhhh...

It is what it is.

The word of the Lord.

Amen.

Everything is an accident.

Or nothing is an accident.

Either way, same thing.

It's not if or even how.

It's only when.

Everybody dies.

And that's life.

I'll die.

And you will both die.

And all of your friends and their parents

and all of their pets and everybody.

Some of us peacefully in our sleep.

And some of us horribly...

violently, tied up with a clothesline,

and screaming through duct tape over our mouths

and all that jazz.

And to hell with it.

Come on, let's go dancing.

♪ Well, it's Saturday night and I just got paid ♪

♪ Fool about my money, don't try to save ♪

♪ My heart say "Go, go, have a time" ♪

♪ 'Cause Saturday night and I'm feeling fine ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna rip it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna shake it up ♪

♪ Gonna ball it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock it up And ball tonight ♪

♪ Got me a date and I won't be late... ♪

It might have been on the day of a funeral,

but that probably was the happiest day of my life.

It's funny how quickly that can change.

Hey, kid.

Your brother says your dad left your mom.

Lit out to Paris, France to buy cigarettes

'cause you're a big fat baby who cried all the time.

And, man, don't your mom deserve better?

I mean, don't she?

- Um... - I guess that means

your mom would be wearing the pants in the house now, huh?

I think that's how it works, yeah.

Aw, but...

see, you're wearing pants.

And two people can't be wearing

the pants in the house at the same time.

So, looks like you got yourself a bit of a pants problem, kid.

Honey, I'm making PB&J.

Oh, and how am I?

Oh, I'm great! I love slaving over my two sons all day long.

Mom!

Yeah?

Why'd you put Dad's weird monkey in our room?

You know I don't go in there anymore

since I found that stiff sock.

Oh, yeah.

You didn't have anything to do

with my babysitter's head, right?

- That'd be like-- - Yo!

You really got the hots for that thing, huh?

- I--I don't. - It's all good.

You can have it, but...

all you gotta do is say you wanna marry it.

But I don't wanna marry it.

Say, "I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey."

I wanna be Mrs. Stupid Monkey.

Now say...

"I wanna suck its banana."

- No, Bill, no. - Say it!

Or I'll eat the rest of your placenta, bitch.

I wanna suck its banana.

All right. We have a deal.

You can have the monkey.

Idiot.

Between the ages of 12 and 15,

the penis takes on a life of its own

and becomes sensitive

to physical and emotional horseplay.

Around this time,

the opposite sex becomes both appealing and horrifying.

Yo, Mrs. Torrance!

Hal Shelborn's jerking his monkey under his desk!

Honey, I'm making devil's food.

I don't fucking want any!

Language!

What are you, a sailor in a shipyard?

You.

It's because of you that deadbeat Bill this to me.

You know who I'm talking about, don't you?

That asshole kid who lives in here with me...

that's Bill.

You wanna know something else?

I wish Bill was dead.

Hey, Mom, you home?

Is dinner ready?

Mom?

Mom?

You're not even making it yet?

What the fuck?!

Oh, shit.

MOMMY!

The doctors called what happened to my mom

a boomerang aneurysm.

But I was the only one who knew what it really was.

They said chances of it happening

were one in 44 million.

And that's just another way to say

it has to happen to somebody.

And that's how it works.

You turn the key and the drumsticks go up.

They come down again when it chooses

who it wants to kill next.

It kills who it wants when it feels like it.

And it doesn't owe you an explanation.

It doesn't take requests.

It's true what it says on the box.

It's just like life.

Uh... son,

- perhaps it's best if you-- - Shut up!

Hey, Mom!

Mom, wake up!

Mom?

Mom, that's a funny joke!

MOM!

Wake up.

Okay, you can keep talking.

Oh...

You know, your Aunt Ida and your Uncle Chip...

never wanted kids.

Nah.

Always just kind of preferred a life where you sit down

and you don't stand up again until you want to.

Also, we're swingers, but...

Oh, well.

And I want you to know

we're gonna do our very best with you boys.

It's just that our very best might be...

pretty bad.

Oh... oh, fuck.

Fuck!

What the fuck?

Fuck.

I put the pieces in a garbage bag

and made sure it got on a garbage truck.

And I assumed that would be the end of it.

But after that,

Bill and I were never the same.

I mean, we looked the same because we were twins,

and, well, you know what I mean.

Aunt Ida and Uncle Chip picked up Bill and me

and moved us to Maine.

And I guess I hoped we'd left the worst of it behind us.

♪ They say everything can be replaced ♪

♪ They say every distance is not near ♪

♪ So I remember every face ♪

♪ Of every man who put me here ♪

You going to take off your suit, Bill?

If I take it off, then I'll have to put it back on

as soon as there's another funeral.

But if I don't take it off,

then I won't have to put it back on.

So there won't be any more funerals.

Sleep tight, you two.

♪ I shall be ♪

♪ Released ♪

Here comes trouble, here it comes!

Why the hell did you bring it?

I didn't. I chopped it up.

Don't look chopped up to me.

I'm telling you, Bill,

it's a bad monkey.

It's a bad, magic, killer monkey.

You think it killed Babysitter Annie?

Maybe. Probably. I--I don't know.

I was going to marry that girl.

I know you were, Bill.

We should try it on purpose to see if anyone else we know dies.

No. No, we shouldn't. I mean, what if it gets one of us?

Then I promise to pretend to be sad when you're dead.

Yeah, me too.

You think it could kill the person who turns the key or not?

How the hell should I know?

Do you think Mom turned it?

I'm gonna try it.

Don't, Bill--

It was a hunting accident, but not the usual kind.

Uncle Chip was trampled by a stampede of 67 wild horses

in his sleeping bag on a camping trip.

I overheard the undertaker say that,

when they dumped the body out,

it looked like someone had drop-kicked a cherry pie.

I don't mind much that Uncle Chip's gone.

He was kind of an asshole.

I just mind more that I feel pretty good it wasn't me.

But it's got to be done, you know?

To keep it away from the people

who might feel really good about using it,

like the Nazis and Russians

and "Iran-qis" and whatnot.

We knew that it couldn't be destroyed,

so we hoped that we could maybe contain it.

Just get rid of it.

Make it go the fuck away.

And for a long time, anyway,

it really seemed like it had.

Ah!

I haven't seen the monkey since we threw it down the well,

but it feels like only a matter of time before it comes back.

This is me today.

I pretty much lost all contact with Bill,

and I'm good with that.

He was kind of an asshole anyways.

I don't have any friends,

and I do my best to stay away from family

for fear that if the monkey returns,

it'll kill someone close to me.

But staying away from family,

Excuse me!

...that's easier said than done.

Well, fuck your mother!

Hey, Dwayne.

Oh, man! Come in, come in.

Oh, no, it's cool.

I gotta run early today. I gotta pick up my kid.

Wait, you got a kid?

Shit, man, that sucks.

Does it live with you?

Uh, no, no, he doesn't,

but I get to see him once a year,

so I'm taking him to Horror Heaven.

Yeah.

Roller coasters, I guess.

Once a year?

Shit, man, that sucks.

I bet your ex-wife's some type of mega bitch, huh?

Huh?

Oh! No, the once-a-year thing, that was... that was my idea.

It turns out I'm kind of a... a bad influence, you know.

"Here comes trouble."

Who, you?

It's not like, you know,

I beheld a pale horse, and on it was a pale rider,

and the rider's name was, you know, Death.

But, uh...

Yeah, there has been some death.

Shit, man, that sucks.

Pff! Jet skis, come on. Douchebag.

"Love... Hal."

Fuck.

Feel that parental energy...

transferred from you to me.

Petey's been asking about you more and more, Hal.

And it's breaking our hearts.

About me?

What about me? Why?

Because you're his father.

And he's doing a family tree school project.

And like it or not, you're one of the branches.

Look, I--

I care about Petey.

I do. Like, I...

I care about him a lot, like, a lot, lot.

Just now, when we were on the couch together,

I took your power.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never said you could take my power.

It doesn't matter anymore.

But Ted has decided

- to legally adopt Petey. - What?

And once the adoption's finalized,

it won't be necessary for you to see Petey at all.

But you can't just do that.

He can't just do that.

As the leading expert in my field,

can't I?

Listen, you and Petey have this time.

So just take the week,

lock in some nice memories,

and then cleanly cut it off.

Like a vestigial tail.

That's what you want. Isn't it?

No. It's not what I... what I want.

I want to spend time with Petey. It's just, you know...

Vestigial?

It means something that has become functionless,

and as a result, is no longer necessary.

- I know what it means, Ted. - I'm sure you do.

- I do. - Well, I have your power, so...

Well, I peed in one of your bushes on the way in, so...

Well, this is the part where I suggest that we arm wrestle.

What? Arm wrestle for what?

For all the marbles.

And by marbles, I am, of course, referring to your little balls.

- My-- - Hey.

Honey...

Oh, Petey. Hey.

Hey, buddy.

What are you guys talking about?

What do you mean,

it reminds you of your dad?

You talking about the shit-eating grin

or the hairy back and arms?

Do you ever wonder where he is?

Dad, I mean.

Baby, that ain't worth it.

But if you're really looking for an answer,

I'd have to go with either...

at a card table or under a hooker.

Oh, sick, Ma. Come on.

Gross.

Hey, Beauchamps, honey,

you want a drag?

But are you still thinking of selling that monkey thing

to the nut who never leaves his house?

I mean, have you ever even met this guy face to face?

Sounds like a real fucking pervert to me.

So, do you have any brothers or sisters?

Is that your family tree thing?

What gave it away?

Okay.

So, um...

brothers, sisters?

Yes, no?

Uh... no.

No to both?

Yeah, no, neither.

Only child... just like me.

And, uh, what's your mom's name?

Um...

Lois.

My mom's name was...

Lois.

Hey, uh... Oof.

It's getting kind of late, darn.

I should get you some, uh, some dinner, huh?

Only if you want me to, like, survive.

Cool.

Say it, or I'll eat the rest of your placenta...

I promise to pretend to be sad

when you're dead.

What the fuck?!

Christ.

What the fuck?

Hello.

Well, hello, dumbshit.

Bill.

Can't be the only person who calls you dumbshit.

How did you know how to reach me, Bill?

I haven't heard from you in, what, five years?

Haven't seen you in something like 10?

Nine and eleven, and those are just numbers.

The police gave me yours.

What do you mean, the police?

I have news.

Aunt Ida is no more.

Oh, shit.

Well, I guess she was kind of old.

Was she sick or something?

Actually, it seems the old girl

was having somewhat of a renaissance,

putting her house on the market, cleaning out her closet.

The nice young policewoman I spoke to...

used the phrase, "freak accident."

Okay, and? What?

Someone has to go through her belongings,

and you're the next of kin.

Technically, you're the next of kin, Bill.

This is my week with Petey, so no.

Your week? That's all you get with your son?

- Also, you're weak. - What do you want, Bill?

Go to Aunt Ida's house and make sure "it" isn't there.

"It" is at the bottom of a well.

"It" can teleport and you know it.

Why don't you bring Petey along, hmm?

Let him see you being brave for a change.

Jesus.

What do fathers and their estranged sons

say to each other?

Road trip?

Why would it be at Aunt Ida's anyway?

Because it attached itself to our family

and likes to kill us.

And I don't want to die, and presumably

you don't want Petey to die either.

And what if I find it, huh? What am I supposed to do?

Drop it from a fucking plane? It'll probably bounce!

No, you never let it out of your sight again,

so no one turns the key.

Presumably you don't want Petey to--

Stop talking about Petey.

The monkey must be vanquished.

Why don't you vanquish it, huh, Bill?

You're smaller, you go.

Bill.

Bi... Fuck!

Oh! Fuck!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Fuck! What the fuck?

Is that a leg? Fuck!

Okay, okay.

- Petey, wake up. Come on. - What?

We gotta go. Let's go. Let's go.

What time is it?

What the fuck?

Hey, language.

And we gotta go, all right?

There... there... There was a thing outside.

It wasn't... It wasn't a thing.

It was a woman, and either way, we gotta split.

All right? So come on, let's go.

It's the middle of the night. Are you high?

No, I wish, Jesus Christ.

No, don't do drugs. I mean it.

But come on, let's go. Hurry up.

I'm going to bed.

WE GOTTA MAKE LIKE EGGS AND SCRAMBLE!

Hey, Petey, uh... sorry about that.

It's just that my aunt Ida died,

and I gotta deal with a lot of her stuff.

Can I ask you a question?

I'd really rather you didn't.

How'd your mom die?

Is this for your family tree thing?

'Cause usually family trees are about the whos

and the whens, not the whys and the, you know, hows.

Was your aunt the one that raised you after your mom died?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she did.

Maybe you could, uh,

take me to your aunt's house with you.

I could help you with her stuff and--

You're not coming with me, Petey.

Why not?

Because it's... it's depressing, all right?

We were supposed to go to a theme park,

not into, you know...

...darkness and death.

I know about the adoption, Hal.

Oh.

And so you can either just...

cut me off and cut this off,

or we can spend

the rest of the little time that we have left together...

together.

I wonder which one Lois would have chosen.

What are you doing in here all alone, Hal?

Or do I not want to know?

Just thinking, I guess.

Oh, yeah?

- About what? - I don't know.

The future.

You got any advice?

Um, well...

take care of your teeth.

And take care of your gut.

And take life as it comes.

You know, the worst thing you can do is try to force it.

But, really, I think that the most important thing

for you to remember is...

try not to kill everybody around you.

Petey? Pe... Petey...

Petey?

Petey?

Hey, Petey, buddy?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Check it out. There's a place in town.

They do skydiving lessons.

I feel like it's one of those things

where you're either really good at it or you aren't.

It only takes one lesson to find out.

Hey, funny.

That's... that's funny.

Yeah? Well, you're kind of funny too, Hal.

Oh, and they do weddings.

Hey, uh, do me a favor, all right?

Uh, wait in the car while I deal with this.

What? No way.

I wanna see your old room like they do in the movies.

No, Petey.

Why not?

Just because... because I said so.

All right. Fine.

Then I have to go number two.

What? Why didn't you go at the motel?

There's a lot you don't know about me, Hal.

For instance,

I'm one of those kids that can only go poo in a house.

Are you being serious?

It's a tough bet to lose, Hal.

Jesus Christ.

Hi.

Hey there. Sorry. Ah.

Oh, window won't go down.

- Yeah, okay. - Hey there.

- How are you? - Hi! I'm Barbara.

- Hi. - You must be Hal Shelborn.

Your brother Bill Shelborn said you'd be coming.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Uh, hi, Barbara. Yeah.

That brother Bill of yours

is quite the character, isn't he?

- Yeah. - Your brother Bill, I mean!

Yes, yes. He's quite... quite the character. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow, who's this little slugger?

Oh, this is, uh, this is my son, Petey.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, no, thanks, Barbara.

I'm just a kid who doesn't buy many houses.

But I also didn't know that I have an uncle.

So, yeah, thanks for that.

Um, it's funny, 'cause I actually asked Hal here

if he had any siblings yesterday.

But he flat-out lied to my face.

- Well... - But it's cool.

He's only going to be my dad for, like,

a few more days anyway,

'cause he's being swapped out for a leading expert.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Well... - So no card. Okay.

- No card, yeah. - Let's see the house.

Were you and your aunt very close?

Uh, sure. Very.

Is this all her stuff?

I felt like she had more stuff.

Oh, well, we did have that estate sale

the day after she died.

We had a great turnout, too.

We must have made over $100, ha!

Right...

Okay.

Now, let's see, that would have been on Sunday,

because ever since Monday,

things have been a bit, uh, messy around here.

Right.

Yeah. Your aunt, of course, was Monday.

And then, oh Lord,

first thing Tuesday, it was Mitch McDonald.

And then Wednesday was Burt Burgerson.

And then Nancy Risoli.

But there aren't any cobras in Maine, I mean, are there?

Well, there was the one.

No, every day since Monday,

at least one Casco local has just... poof!

Sometimes two or three or four

or even five Casco locals have just poof...

- Right. OK. - And poof and poof!

Great, yeah, yeah, no, I get it.

Um, could we look at the other closet? It's this way, I think.

Absolutely, follow me.

Poof!

You're fucking twins?

You know, my mother used to always say

whenever there was a plane crash

or a school bus going off into the river

and mass fatalities or what have you...

She used to always say,

"Looks like God's bowling strikes tonight."

Oh, that's odd.

I don't remember locking this.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to remember

if, uh, my aunt had a wind-up toy monkey at the yard sale?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

Oh, not a cherished childhood memory, now, was it?

Oh...

Oh, a first little furry friend

filled with whimsy and wonder?

No, it's no... no big deal. Thanks.

Okay.

Nope, not that one.

Hmm.

How are we doing with that key?

Oh... Don't you worry your pretty little head.

Oh, mercy, did I say that out loud?

Watch out!

You are pretty, though.

- Oh! - You know what?

I actually think we should go down...

Looks like I did my own little process of elimination!

No, no, no, no, no!

Everything okay up there?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Oh, fuck.

And you were just standing there,

hands to yourself, is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

And you knew there was a gun in the house, or not so much?

Uh, no.

Okay.

I'm gonna have to ask you don't leave town

until we can figure a few things out.

What? No, no, no, officer.

I promised my son that I was gonna take him

- to Horror Heaven. - Actually, officer,

we moved off going to Horror Heaven.

This is obviously far more important.

- Smart kid. - Hmm.

Find a motel.

I'd say stay here, but it's a goddamn mess in there.

I mean, have you actually been up there?

It's like that restaurant...

Spaghetti City.

Hey, bud, you wanna go wait in the car?

Yeah, that's your favorite thing for me to do anyway, isn't it?

Just stay away.

They're bringing the body out!

Let's go, Casco! Let's go, Casco!

Hello?

Hal Shelborn, please, if he's available.

- Bill? - Thank goodness.

And Petey? Is he available, too?

Yeah, look, we're fine, but, um...

The monkey's not here.

Aunt Ida had a goddamn yard sale, so it could've been,

but now it could be anywhere with anyone.

Well, that's not good. That's bad.

Yeah, there's all kinds of shit happening in town,

people dying in not normal ways.

Police told me I can't leave.

Go to the motel. Await my signal.

Await your fucking signal?!

Wait, Bill, where are you?

Bill, are you living in town?

Stupid.

Shelborn, Shelborn... Argh. Nope.

"Mrs. Monkey"?

Hello.

If this is in regards to my ad,

I'm happy to report that my quest

for finding my beloved toy monkey is over.

Thank you for calling and be safe out there.

At the very moment you slipped from my fingers,

I suddenly knew the terrible truth about everything.

That my dumbshit brother

had turned your key and killed my mom.

So I went back to get you as soon as I could.

But you were gone.

Leaving behind a sign for me and only me

that one day... you'd be back.

And so I waited.

And for the longest time,

there was nothing.

A hundred percent, pure, medical-grade nothingness.

But then...

there you were.

Suddenly, everywhere I looked, you were there.

Oh, fuck!

As constant as the sun, the moon, and the stars.

As if you had always been looking down on me.

Letting me know what I had always wanted to be true.

That you'd come back to help me seek my revenge.

I returned to the places where I thought you might be.

Foolishly believing that I could make you appear again.

Fuck.

That it was I who might find you again.

So I made myself ready for your return.

Reworking my old childhood funeral suit

in anticipation of...

more funerals.

And so that I might once again

bear witness to your terrible glory.

Fuck!

So I looked, and behold, a pale horse,

and his name that sat on him was Death.

Mrs. Monkey.

And now, here we are.

Together at last.

With only one thing left to do.

In your infinite wisdom,

I trust your flaming sword of righteousness

will cut the foul air

and smite the right person.

And I know you know exactly who I'm talking about.

Shit, man, that sucks.

Shit, man, that sucks! Ah!

What?

Um, uh, it's Ricky.

What is it? I'm extremely busy.

Okay, yeah, so...

I hope this isn't weird, but I was wondering,

you know, if maybe I could give you your 15 bucks back

and instead I could just keep the toy monkey thing.

It's not a toy, don't ever call it that.

Right, yeah, no, I thought the same thing too.

It just sort of makes me think about my dad,

which I know is kind of a weird thing

for, like, a guy to say, like, to another guy.

Does it hurt very much when you think, Ricky?

- Well-- - "Uh, uh, uh, well, well..."

Did you know that 27% of all English-speaking people

will either say, "oh, shit" or "holy shit" before they die?

Now it's funny, because death

is the one big thing that'll happen to all of us,

and yet we still can't help but be somehow surprised by it.

Right on, man.

So anyway,

I saw your brother.

He looks like you.

With that's, like, uh...

that's, like, your nephew then, huh?

What if Petey turned the key?

So... so, can I have it back?

Never. I employed you to find the monkey,

not to fall in love with it.

Now fuck off.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, Ma, are you home or are you at the factory?

Lousy deadbeat.

Yo, Beauchamps!

You got any extra bullets?

What caliber?

Hey, you still got some of Barbara's blood on you.

Yeah.

Accidents happen.

Can I ask you a question?

Ha ha.

Uh, nope.

You ever killed a man?

I...

Jesus.

Does Mom know?

No, I haven't killed anybody.

Of course I haven't killed anybody.

Look, when we get back to the motel, I'm gonna call your mom

and... and... and I'm gonna tell her what happened.

She'll think I'm not safe to be around and...

she'll be right.

So Ted will just adopt me and...

you'll never have to see me again?

You're better off with Ted, all right?

Fuck you, man.

Hey, Petey...

Shit. Um...

Well, I'm here if you need me.

You just do your thing in the bathroom, okay?

And, uh, if you wanna have a talk,

we can have a proper talk, all right, buddy?

Yes?

It's me. You have it, don't you?

I don't know, maybe.

Come on, Bill, Mrs. Monkey?

I know you are, but what am I?

Stop turning the key!

Its arms aren't fucking long enough or articulate enough

to reach back there itself, so somebody has to.

And also, no.

Jesus fucking Christ, Bill,

these are innocent people.

Look, I... I don't care about me.

All that matters is that Petey is safe, so stop turning it.

If you want me to stop turning the key,

bring Petey to me so he can turn it instead.

What? No. Why?

The person who turns the key never dies.

You've known that since we were kids, haven't you, Hal?

What?

What are you talking about?

Where are you, Bill?

If you want Petey to be safe,

all Petey has to do is turn the key

and keep turning the key forever and ever and ever,

and Petey will never die.

Listen to me, Bill, all right?

Let me get Petey out of here, then we'll talk, all right?

We-we-we'll figure out what we're gonna do.

Either I keep turning the key or Petey turns the key.

Call me back when you made your decision.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Bill, Bi--

Fuck!

Hey, Petey? Petey?

Hey, Petey?

Hey, buddy, we... we gotta go, all right?

I gotta take you back to your mom's.

Petey, open the door! Come on!

Petey!

Petey, open the door!

Come on, we gotta go right now!

Jesus Christ.

Don't have a heart attack.

Or do, you know? You want out of my life so bad,

it might just be a nice shortcut.

Petey, what the fuck? Why didn't you answer the door?

Why do you care? Why would you even have a kid

if all you're gonna do is just keep yourself away from me?

I didn't exactly know what I was doing, all right?

I was just a stupid, dumb kid.

So I was an accident? Is that what you're saying?

Everything is an accident, yes.

Wow, nice one.

Great to hear.

I... That's not what I...

Yes, it was an accident, Petey.

But you are not a mistake.

I'm so glad you're here with me.

You're very precious to me.

But that's why I stay away, because I...

I come with all sorts of weird baggage,

and I don't want you to have to deal with that.

- Like what? - Like...

Bad stuff, Petey, like...

like evil stuff.

Stuff that I got from my dad,

and I don't want to pass it on to you.

What are you talking about? Like what?

Like...

Hold on.

Open up, it's the motherfucking police!

All right, all right, all right.

Shut up! Shut up and hands up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just relax, all right?

- Shh, shh, shh! - Just relax, relax.

- Get the keys. - What?

- COME ON! - Okay, okay!

- The keys. - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

All right, all right.

We're gonna go for a little drive, okay?

Okay, all right.

All right, stop here.

Where are we?

Huh?

Where are we?

That's your brother's house!

Or his fortress.

Don't pretend like you don't know where we are!

I don't know, all right?

We're... we're, you know, we're estranged.

- Ah, shit, man, that sucks. - Thanks.

- Shut up! - Oh, okay.

You, you go inside,

you make nice with your uncle, you get me the monkey.

- And you bring it out, okay? - What monkey?

It's... It's got a little red vest,

and it holds a drum, and I need it.

Why does this guy know about a monkey and I don't?

He doesn't know about the monkey and he's not going in there.

It's a toy monkey?

Don't... don't call it that, all right?

It's not. It's...

It's evil.

It's basically the devil, all right?

It's a toy monkey.

I was gonna tell you when you were older, okay?

You've been a goddamn deadbeat dad

because of a toy monkey?

- What the fuck? - Hey, language.

And yes, but that's why we have to get

as far away from this place as possible.

Seriously, kid, you gotta hope

that you get that goddamn monkey,

'cause I'm gonna shoot this guy.

All right, just... just let me... let me go in there with him.

- Please. - No!

There is a doggy door around back,

and your kid better hope that he's scrawny enough to fit.

You don't call the cops or do anything.

You get in there, you get me the monkey,

or I swear I'm gonna shoot you both, like, a lot of times.

He's not going in there.

- Shut up! - Uh! All right.

Go.

Hal...

this is some fucked-up shit.

I know.

So whatever you do,

don't turn the key in the monkey's back.

Okay, okay!

Fuck...

Fuck.

Huh.

Kinda cool... I guess.

You're not really a cop, are you?

Shut up! Of course not.

I hate cops.

My dad was a cop.

Still is, for all I know.

You know, my mom said he was out chasing pussy,

but I'm all like, there's pussy here in town, you know?

- Yeah, I know. - But whatever.

He left.

And that's why I hate cops.

But also they're cops, you know?

Which is the best reason to hate cops.

What the fuck?

Uh...

What the hell is that doing there?

Hit it with your brights.

Hit it with my brights, okay.

Oh, gross! Shut it off!

- Hold on! - Shut it off!

I'm shutting it off. Jesus!

In your infinite wisdom,

I trust your flaming sword of righteousness

will cut the foul air and strike the right person

and only the right person.

Uncle Bill?

Petey.

What a nice surprise.

- You okay? - Who, me?

Yeah. You.

It's been a long time since anyone's asked me that.

Now that you mention it...

No.

I'm not okay.

This was my favorite toy from childhood.

It's supposed to play the drums, but I think it's stuck.

Could you fix it for me?

It was your grandfather's, you know.

He brought it home from one of his trips.

He was a pilot.

He was a Petey too.

Did you know that?

- Hal never tells me anything. - No, of course he doesn't.

So this is it then, huh?

The thing that messed everyone up?

How could it?

It's just a toy.

Why don't you try turning it, hmm?

Probably just needs a different touch.

There.

Turning the key is just simply something

the Shelborn men have been doing for generations.

A tradition, if you will.

But if it's not for you, then it's not for you.

What does it do?

Turn the key.

See what happens.

You want me to back up?

No! Don't fucking move.

Okay, okay, okay.

Is it working?

Ahh.

Man, this stupid cop hat!

It's crazy itchy.

What?

Jesus fucking Christ!

Let's be careful with that pistol, huh?

Yeah.

- Totally. - Yeah. Right.

Fuck.

Uh...

Holy shit!

- Oh, shit! Shit! - Oh!

Jesus Christ! Fuck!

Fuck! Jesus!

FUCK!

Fuck!

What the fuck?!

Fuck.

PETEY, WHERE ARE YOU?!

- Dad! - Petey!

Turn it again.

Turn the goddamn key right now!

What? No!

Then give me the fucking monkey!

That's it!

I'm not asking nicely anymore.

Do it. Kill him.

Kill my dumb shit brother, and do it now!

God... damn you!

Strike the goddamn drum!

God-fucking...

I command you!

Fuck.

Godd... Will you, please?

Goddamn it!

Godd...

How are you so goddamn strong?

Hey!

Huh? Petey!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Ah, thank God. Come on.

God... damn it!

What did I do wrong?

What is that?

Jesus Christ!

Ah! Godd...!

What the...

Bill.

Fuck. The drumstick's still up, Petey.

Hello, dumbshit.

That's all you can say at a time like this, you fucker?!

Dumbshit's what you are.

Fuck... You fuck!

Jesus Christ, Bill.

You were really trying to kill me, weren't you?

Of course I was.

That's what all this carnage was for, huh?

You could've killed Petey!

You could've killed my fucking son!

For what? Why?

'Cause you killed my mom.

And I know you wanted to kill me.

But the goddamn thing doesn't take requests, obviously.

I've been turning the key with you in mind for days.

Nothing.

Listen, Bill.

It's not my fault.

It wasn't anybody's fault.

None of us deserved what happened to us.

We just happened to be there when it did.

Mommy?

I'm sorry, Bill.

But I guess I gotta go now.

Everybody dies, and that's life.

I'm sorry your mom died.

It fucking sucks.

I know how you feel.

She was my mom, too.

Oh, yeah.

I guess she was.

Never thought about it like that.

Innocent mistake, I guess.

Sure.

Makes sense, though, you know.

We're brothers.

Twins.

Right.

I'm sorry.

I wish we could have been there for each other

when we were kids.

But we're here now.

What do you say, Bill?

Brothers again?

Sure.

Ahhh.

Nah...

I'm sorry.

So, what, you two are on some kind of road trip or something?

Yeah.

A kind of...

father-son road trip, right?

Cool.

I would like to have done that

with somebody at least once.

So come with us.

Jesus!

Fuck.

So Uncle Bill pretty much

wiped out half the town where you grew up, huh?

Yeah.

I mean, I get that everybody dies,

and that's life, but...

it's just, like, everybody dies,

you know, at the same time.

So, uh...

what do you want to do now?

I guess we gotta figure out what we're gonna do with the monkey.

We keep it close.

We accept that it's ours...

and we hold on tight.

Hey, I just got an idea of what we should do right now.

Let's go dancing.

- Dancing? - Yeah.

Like, with our bodies?

Where did that shit come from?

It comes from your grandmother.

From Lois.

Well... cool.

Yeah, it is cool.

♪ Let me tell you 'bout a place ♪

♪ Somewhere up-a New York way ♪

♪ Where the people are so gay ♪

♪ Twistin' the night away ♪

♪ Here they have a lot of fun ♪

♪ Puttin' trouble on the run ♪

♪ Man, you find the old and young ♪

♪ Twistin' the night away ♪

♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪

♪ Everybody's feelin' great ♪

♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪

♪ They're twistin' ♪

♪ The night away ♪

♪ Here's a man ♪

♪ In evening clothes ♪

♪ How he got here ♪

♪ I don't know but ♪

♪ Man, you oughta see him go ♪

♪ Twistin' the night away ♪

♪ He's dancin' with a chick in slacks ♪

♪ She's movin' up and back ♪

♪ Oh, man, there ain't nothin' like ♪

♪ Twistin' the night away ♪

♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪

♪ Everybody's feelin' great ♪

♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪

♪ They're twistin' the night Let's twist a while ♪

♪ Lean up ♪

♪ Lean back ♪

♪ Lean up ♪

♪ Lean back ♪

♪ Watusi ♪

♪ Now fly ♪

♪ Now twist ♪

♪ They're twistin' the night away ♪

♪ Here's a fella in blue jeans ♪

♪ Dancin' with an older queen ♪

♪ Who's dolled up in her diamond rings ♪

♪ And twistin' the night away ♪

♪ Man, you oughta see her go ♪

♪ Twistin' to the rock and roll ♪

♪ Here you find the young and old ♪

♪ Twistin' the night away ♪

♪ They're twistin', twistin', man ♪

♪ Everybody's feelin' great ♪

♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪

♪ They're twistin' the night ♪

♪ One more time ♪

♪ Lean up ♪

♪ Lean back ♪

♪ Lean up ♪

♪ Lean back ♪

♪ Watusi ♪

♪ Now fly ♪

♪ Now twist ♪

♪ No more holiday in the sun ♪

♪ Come up on the rooftop Come undone ♪

♪ Cold metal, cold water Soft, damp hair ♪

♪ Thieves dream while sleepers burn for the lucky ones ♪

♪ Sleepers will burn so that the lucky ones can stay awake ♪

♪ The youngest ones will open up the door ♪

♪ Dreamers will thieve ♪

♪ In search of everything that they have lost ♪

♪ Breaking sleep ♪

♪ On the days ♪

♪ There are no ♪

♪ Liberties ♪

♪ Fireflies ♪

♪ Careless boy ♪

♪ Something lost ♪

♪ Through the door ♪

♪ Comes a breeze ♪

♪ Taste the wind ♪

♪ A firm arm ♪

♪ Fawn or fight ♪

♪ Something lost ♪

♪ Patiently ♪

Shit, man, that sucks.