All language subtitles for The Avengers s06e33 Bizarre

Do you know who she is yet?

Her name's Helen Pritchard.

Right.

She was found in the middle of a field.

Right. Wearing only a nightdress.

Right. Well, then.

Yes? It just doesn't make sense.

Where on earth did she come from, I
wonder?

That. is what Captain Cordell is trying
to find out.

That's right, sir. A train went through
about an hour before Helen Pritchard was

found. A night express, sir. It was a
sleeper. Ray!

Well, that would explain the night
dresser.

She was travelling in a sleeping berth
and... I fully appreciate the

ramifications of your discoveries,
Captain Cordell.

So, she was on a train.

Now, there's one question that remains
to be answered.

Did she fall or was she pushed?

Train.

A train.

That's right.

You were on the train and... A coffin.

A dead man.

A dead man in a coffin.

A dead man who wasn't dead!

Ow!

A dead man in a coffin. A dead man who
isn't dead.

It's quite a coincidence.

There was a coffin aboard that train.

I ran a check on passengers and freight.
There was a coffin aboard.

Inhabited? Yes.

With a dead man in it. Where was it
going?

To the Happy Meadow.

For burial.

Good morning, dear sir.

Good morning.

Steed. John Steed. Happy chap.

Well, moderate. No, no, you
misunderstand.

I'm happy chap.

Bagpipes happy chap.

Oh, how do you... Bagpipes?

My father's fault, really.

You see, when my mother told him she was
going to present him with a squeaky

little bundle, he thought she meant the
set of bagpipes that he'd always set his

heart on. Then when, of course, I
arrived, it was his way of fighting

Yes, and it's not as though I'm Scots. I
mean, if I'd been really Scots, at

least the name would have had a partisan
ring to it.

Well, look on the bright side, Mr Happy
Chap.

After all, your father might have had an
obsession about sousaphones.

That is true. That is very true.

Well, now, to business.

Stand, please.

Mind you, I can't see that we're going
to be doing much business for some time

ahead. Planning far ahead, are we?
Certainly a plot now. Stand on that,

you, please?

Well, you are in luck.

Because I can just squeeze you in
between two peers of the realm. Well,

actually, I... Oh, what about Jolly Jack
Tarr's last jesting ground?

We like to make death fun.

I can squeeze you between an admiral on
your port, a midshipman on your

starboard, and a submarine commander
astern.

I'm not here on that kind of business.

Oh.

A body arrived here a few days ago.

Now, it was brought here by train. Do
you by any chance recall it? Indeed I

Ah, let me see, let me see, let me see.

Ah, yes. Class one interment.

Seventeen wreaths of assorted plastic
flowers.

Simulated mock marble headstone. Stands
up to the elements much better than the

real thing, you know. And a special home
bargain get -in -while -stocks -last

fibreboard casket.

I remember it perfectly.

Where was it buried?

In our most exclusive area.

Paradise plot.

Let me see.

Yes, this is the one.

Here's the chap that came in by train.

Jonathan Jupp.

Helen, while you were on the train,
something happened.

You fell out.

You tripped.

Train.

The train.

Not much progress.

Let me try something.

Helen.

Helen. Helen.

Are these photographs?

Do you recognise?

Do you recognise anyone?

Jonathan Jack.

Do you know?

Ellen, do you know him? No, he's dead.
He's dead.

On a train.

My dog.

It

was

late.

I had my dog on the train with me.

He was travelling in the guards van.

And I got up.

And I went to the guard's van to feed
him.

Do you believe her?

Sounded convincing.

Nevertheless, I... Nevertheless?

She is suffering from concussion.

Now, there was a coffin on that train.
She admits to having seen it. The rest

could be figment of her imagination.

Hallucination brought on by her
injuries.

Agreed. Except for two things. One, she
did pick out Jop's... Vote

now.

And two?

Jonathan Japp.

He's a financier.

Of course.

I remember him now.

He was involved in some seedy deal or
other.

He was about to be prosecuted for fraud.

Then he died of a heart attack.

Convenient. Very.

You've seen his grave?

His grave?

But not inside it.

All right.

I'll arrange for an exhumation order.

Well, satisfied?

I just wanted to make sure he was there.

I got this.

Jut was buried all right, but he's
quite, quite dead. So that's that.

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid that's not that.

There was a murder attempt on Helen
Pritchard.

Fortunately, Tara was there to foil the
attack.

Unfortunately, the man was killed by his
own gun.

But that still doesn't mean that her
story about Jut was... Oh, there's more

it than that.

We've identified the attacker.

His name was Brad Morton.

Morton was a financier on the brink of
being prosecuted for fraud.

But his death wasn't engineered.

You said it was an accident, his own
gun.

He died officially six months ago of a
heart attack. His body is buried at

Meadows.

Another one?

You want to exhume?

Another one.

Afraid so.

Really, Mr. Seed, this morbid curiosity
is verging on an obsession.

If it's digging you're interested in,
why don't you take up gardening? I mean,

roses, for instance, plant now, and by
the summer you should have a fine crop

of... Mr.

Happychats.

All right.

But if this ever got out in the trade...
It'll be our secret. But, you see,

people like to feel a sort of permanence
about burial, up and down, up and down,

all the time. People will imagine I'm
holding a dig in.

He's been stolen.

Taken away.

There's a thief in our midst.

Come on. Where are we going?

I want to use your phone.

That's it, Charlie.

In there.

Ellen Pritchard.

All ten.

Right.

Helen.

Do you feel well enough to run through
the story again?

But I've told you all I know.

All you remember.

I'd go through it again.

Perhaps there's something you've
overlooked.

All right.

It's no go.

No go?

What are you talking about? She's
barricaded in up there. She's guarded.

no chance.

Some people.

Mother, Bradney Morton is not there.

There's a coffin, but no body.

Body matches in this day and age?

That's what it looks like. Oh, and
another thing. I've been reading

What? John Ash... George and Tony
Barter, Patrick Vernon.

Steve, will you please try and be
coherent?

Think upon those names, Mother.

Ash, Barter, Vernon.

Of course.

All financiers. And all involved in
seedy deals. And all buried in Paradise

Plot. All right.

There is only one thing for it.

All of them?

Uh, yes, brother. Well, yes, I agree.

It is the only way.

Uh, yes.

Yes, I'll attend to it.

Oh, uh... Mr. Happychap.

Bagpipes.

Baggers! No.

This may come as a little bit of a shock
to you but you're a big man and I'm

sure you'll take it in your stride.

This is awful.

Simply awful.

There's no body left.

The great grave robbery. What do we do
now?

Do?

Oh, no.

Not again.

Again?

Yes.

Yes, Grandma.

Yes, Grandma, we are endeavouring to do
our best.

Yes.

Steed at this very moment is trying to
dig something up.

But it's impossible, quite impossible.

He was here a minute ago.

Thank you, gentlemen.

It is impossible.

But it happened.

But it happened. A short time ago, this
man, Jop, was dead

and buried.

But now...

Everything to your satisfaction, Mr.
Duck? Everything.

Are you sure there's nothing you want?

No, thanks.

There is one thing I'd like.

I'd like to see... I'd like to see my
wife's

face if she knew where I was now.

I bet there'd be egg all over it.

I don't see how I can help you, Mr.
Cordell.

My husband's death was very sudden.

And he didn't exactly leave me well
provided for.

Yes, well, that in itself is curious,
Mrs. Joff.

You know there was a great deal of money
missing from your husband's company.

Yes, but wherever he put it, the secret
died with him. Or he took it with him.

Yes, perhaps.

It was a house attack, wasn't it, Mrs.
Duke?

And you found it?

Yes. It's lying just over there. Oh.

All right, all right.

He'd never been ill before.

It all happened without warning.

He was planning to take me away.

Away?

Away where?

Well, he didn't tell me himself, you
understand, but...

I overheard him talking on the phone to
Mystic Tours. He was arranging a trip,

arranging to go away for a long time.

A long time.

Would you have heard him say that?

Yes, quite clearly.

And all this was arranged through Mystic
Tours.

You're quite sure of that?

Yes, quite sure.

But where was he planning to go, Mrs.
Jupp?

Well, I don't know exactly, but...

Whatever it was, it was somewhere nice.

Somewhere absolutely wonderful.

What made you think that?

Because I heard him say, where I'm
going, it'll be paradise.

Absolute paradise.

Anything you like there, sir?

No, not really.

Why don't you try our European junket?

That's nine countries in four days by
coach.

By coach? In four days?

Well, the driver used to be a Grand Prix
driver.

You don't actually have to get off the
coach. We provide written summaries of

every memorable experience you might
have had in each city to impress your

friends.

We even provide photographs of you
outside the loo.

Vatican.

Well, actually, I'm looking for
something a little more relaxing.

An escape?

Far from the cares of the world, eh?

Well, a bit more than that, actually.

It's a lot of business trouble.

You understand me?

I'd like to get away from it all for a
while.

Somewhere cool.

Cool. Well, I anticipate a hot spell in
this country, if I stay here, that is.

Have you any further information of the
sort of place you're trying to escape

to?

Well, actually, what I'm looking for is
paradise.

Absolute paradise.

Paradise.

Paradise.

How are they doing it?

And why?

Who are they and where are they?

The whole graveyard looted, coffins dug
up.

How on earth?

My guess is it happens at night.

There's no night guard at Happy Meadows?

No.

Well, why should there be?

There's no reason to believe that the
inhabitants are going anywhere.

All the same, I really feel that...

Mother. Cordell.

You're what?

I'm taking a big chance calling you.
They're watching me the whole time.

Who's watching you? Where are you?
They're coming back.

I'll call later if I can.

Cordell. Where are you? I'm on my way to
paradise.

Cordell. Cordell.

Not again.

Everyone's staying where they are.

This time I just want information.

Oh, that's better.

What can I do for you?

If a man called Cordell calls or
phones... William Cordell?

That's right. He's here already.

What? Yes, he arrived a few minutes ago.

Poor chap. He got knocked over by a car.

His dying wish was that he should be
interred in Paradise Plot.

Are you sure he was dead?

No respiration, no heartbeat, ice cold.
Yes, he was dead.

Anyway, it's a little late to ask the
question. He's already been buried.

What next?

A night vigil. We've got to catch the
grave robbers red -handed. A round -the

-clock vigil from dusk to dawn.

Excellent steed.

Excellent. Esprit de corps and all that
sort of thing.

Dedication to duty.

Heedless of sleep.

The wintry night.

Awake me if anything happens.

What? I gave the job to Dara.

Cold out here, isn't it?

Cordell is a lot colder.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to the club.

Thanks.

I suppose you're here for the...

For the same reason as me.

Things got too hot in the other world.

Yes, that's right. Are we comfortable,
gentlemen?

Oh, never better.

Don't forget, if there's anything you
want...

I'll tell you what.

I shall probably need a jolly long
holiday when I've finished here.

Complaints will get you nowhere, Mr.

Japp.

All right?

Hiya. Hiya.

Hi.

Him? I saw him out of the hospital.

Oh.

No, look, what hospital?

What is this man talking about?

Nolte, Mr.

Cordell.

It's getting light.

Nothing's going to happen.

Waste of time.

I always thought it would be a whole
night wasted and nothing's happened.

Well, now what?

If you put money into a bank, a
reputable bank, you don't keep drawing

see if it's still there.

Here we are, sir.

There you are. He's still there, and he
is still dead.

Only this time, he's been shot.

Shot?

Shot? Shot.

I wonder if it's too late to hand this
case over to another department.

And no one approached the grave during
the night? No one. After all, it's an

open and shut case.

Open the grave, shut the grave.

Happy Chat was with you all the time?

Yes. I should dress the report up. Make
it seem simple and straightforward.

Mother. What?

Cordell spoke to Mrs. Chapton.

Well, I believe he did.

I think I'll go and see her.

Oh, yes, he got quite interested.

Excited, even.

Then I told him my husband had been
planning a holiday with Mystic Tours.

Holiday?

Where?

That's what Mr. Cordell wanted to know.

But I couldn't tell him.

I couldn't tell him anything.

Except that it would be paradise.

Paradise?

Paradise, Mr. Speed?

That's what I'm looking for.

But aren't we all?

But not with so much fervor as me.

And another thing, they say that you
can't buy your way into heaven.

But, uh... But I aim to try.

I think you'd better step this way, Mr.
Staten.

Master. Master.

I don't know whether you noticed, but
he's not breathing.

He's in what we call a deep state of
trance.

Oh.

How long's he been like that?

Oh, he stopped his heart on Thursday
last.

Or was it Friday?

Oh, Friday.

Well, how long will he remain like that?

It's difficult to wake him sometimes.
However, he is sensitive to certain

things. Do you mind?

Anything to help?

It usually works.

Lo, and when the grasshopper saith I go,
then tis time for the fish

to leap. He gets a bit like that.

Most profound master, we have a visitor.

A child in search of the eternal truth.

Then I saith this to thee, seek and ye
shall find.

That's not original, you know.

Come only to me with a thirst for
knowledge. Come only to me with a desire

see. Come only to me with... With lots
of money. And he's got lots of money.

Thee are welcome.

Doubly welcome, son.

I shall take your hand and lead thee on
a spiritual adventure.

Lo...

When the lotus withereth on the leaf,
then tis time to... To go to paradise.

to paradise.

Eh?

That's what he's come here for.

Why didn't you say so in the first
place?

When did Steve leave, Mrs. Sharp?

I've already told you.

About three hours ago.

I am the master.

I'm also...

A charlatan?

Fraud? A taker -in of the gullible.

Well, that makes two of us. Yes.

I'm a charlatan, save in one respect.

A secret I stumbled upon, a priceless
secret, which I'm prepared to impart to

others for a fee.

How much?

One third of that.

You see, I'm a gambler.

Gambling on your wit and chicanery, you
have made a killing. Why else would you

be here?

One third of that killing, Mr. Seed.

That depends on what you're prepared to
offer in return.

A new life?

You've grown tired of the old one, eh?
It has become inconvenient?

To put it mildly. Very well. I will
arrange for you to leave this life.

with it. Shuffle off this mortal coil.

If you were dead, Mr. Seed, if you were
dead, the world would not pursue you any

further. The heat would be off, eh?

I will arrange your death for you. I
could arrange that, too, and cheaper.

But I offer special after -death
benefits.

Death is only the beginning of the deed.

It's the same pattern as before.

Not quite.

Cordell managed to call us.

I accept.

Excellent. You won't live to regret it,
I promise you. I sincerely hope I do.

Live.

Oh, yes.

Right. Have no fear.

Well, I'll be back later.

I regret that now you are here. You must
stay.

But surely... Now you already know too
much about us. You must remain

incommunicado until the whole thing is
over.

I'm sorry, but those are the rules.

Incomunicado? Can't I even phone my
mother? Not even her.

When is this to be arranged your death
is already arranged it will be violent

but quite painless

Paradise. Hello?

Yes?

Oh, when?

I see. Thank you very much. Bye.

It's Steve.

He's been located.

Well, come on. Where is he?

Out at Happy Meadows.

Miss King.

Hello. Where is he?

Where's who?

Steve.

He's gone.

Oh, it's just they told me he was here.
He was here and he's gone.

Any idea where?

He's in Paradise Plot.

Oh, he's not digging up another one of
those.

I don't think you fully comprehend the
situation, Miss King. I said he was in

Paradise Plot.

What?

Dead. So we buried him.

Steve.

I assure you, he was quite dead.

What would it be like, I wonder, if I'd
lived a completely blameless life?

This is really living.

Don't you mean dying?

Chubb.

You know me?

I was in finance, too, remember? We used
to meet quite a lot in the city.

Possible.

Well, Mr. Steve, how do you like our
paradise?

Are our angels dolly enough for you?

Unimprovable. I can.

Oh, thank you very much.

No, I don't want to spoil things.

How did I get here?

That was my part of the bargain, Mr.
Steed.

I said I had one genuine talent.

That of being able to suspend animation.

You were likely bumped in a street
accident just enough to render you

unconscious. But the world thinks you
were killed.

After all, there was no pulse.

Breathing had ceased. Your body
temperature was below that necessary to

life. An illusion I created.

To all intents and purposes, you were
dead.

And buried.

Buried? Look above you, Mr. Steed.

These tunnels, catacombs, run directly
beneath Paradise Plot, Happy Meadow.

And the door?

Connects to the coffins above. It's just
as easy to...

And screw the side of the coffin as is
the top, you see.

Relax, Mr. Steed. There will be nobody
chasing you down here. The world above

thinks you are dead.

Miss King?

Dig it up. Please dig it up.

Roy?

Roy?

Do you pop out of here now and again?
Pop out?

Yes. Upstairs, the great outside. See
what's happening.

Never.

I've never been out since I arrived.

Oh, really? Aren't you the least bit
curious about what's happening in the

wide world? Oh, curious doesn't enter
into it.

Besides, they wouldn't alight.

You know, they say it takes about two
years to let things cool off.

Two years?

Yes, that's how long we've got to be
here.

Mind you, I'm not bothered.

Now, Miss King, you'll see for yourself
for the last time.

Perhaps you'll understand why I... don't
feel too well.

Cheeky, cheeky.

Now, you will watch the old ticker,
won't you, gentlemen?

Everything to your liking, Mr. Sting?

Yes, thank you, Mr. Shaw.

Lovely.

That's what we like to see.

Sharpening it.

I always did think there was something
wrong with him, Master.

You were absolutely right.

We can't take any chances, Mr. Cleed.
Well, I appreciate that. I'm sorry, but

rules are rules. Of course. We have to
kill you.

But you've already done that. Oh,
naughty, naughty.

Yeah. Hold it.

Thanks, Tom.

Now she's gone.

... ...

Would you care to go first?

Why, then?

He's coming round.

Give him a nip of brandy.

All right, Mr Happy Chap, sir.

bit of mopping up to do.

Mr. Habichat, Steed is alive and well,
but he's

staying on in paradise.

Like it?

Very complicated, isn't it? Steed! Tara!

Uh -oh.

Bit of a squash.

Mother!

I say!

Splendid achievement, Steed!

Splendid! Oh, thank you very much.

It's hard to believe you assembled it
yourself.

The instruction booklet is very
explicit.

Yes, but a thing like this, and in your
own backyard.

It must have been expensive.

I've saved up a bit.

I've always wanted one of these.

Where are you going?

Outside.

Outside? Yes.

I want to take a snap of it, of my
album.

Ah.

Where do you like the blue paper?

Oh, you don't.

All you do is press that button there.

This one? Yeah.

No!

Uh... That part of the kit arrives next
week.

Steed!

Steed! Steed, I demand that you bring
that thing down at once!

Demand?

Can you get us down?

Eventually, yes.

I still think I can.

Eventually?

There's no hurry.

None at all.

They'll be back.

You can depend on it.

They're unchaperoned up there.