Original subtitles

Do you know who she is yet?

Her name's Helen Pritchard.

Right.

She was found in the middle of a field.

Right. Wearing only a nightdress.

Right. Well, then.

Yes? It just doesn't make sense.

Where on earth did she come from, I wonder?

That. is what Captain Cordell is trying to find out.

That's right, sir. A train went through about an hour before Helen Pritchard was

found. A night express, sir. It was a sleeper. Ray!

Well, that would explain the night dresser.

She was travelling in a sleeping berth and... I fully appreciate the

ramifications of your discoveries, Captain Cordell.

So, she was on a train.

Now, there's one question that remains to be answered.

Did she fall or was she pushed?

Train.

A train.

That's right.

You were on the train and... A coffin.

A dead man.

A dead man in a coffin.

A dead man who wasn't dead!

Ow!

A dead man in a coffin. A dead man who isn't dead.

It's quite a coincidence.

There was a coffin aboard that train.

I ran a check on passengers and freight. There was a coffin aboard.

Inhabited? Yes.

With a dead man in it. Where was it going?

To the Happy Meadow.

For burial.

Good morning, dear sir.

Good morning.

Steed. John Steed. Happy chap.

Well, moderate. No, no, you misunderstand.

I'm happy chap.

Bagpipes happy chap.

Oh, how do you... Bagpipes?

My father's fault, really.

You see, when my mother told him she was going to present him with a squeaky

little bundle, he thought she meant the set of bagpipes that he'd always set his

heart on. Then when, of course, I arrived, it was his way of fighting

Yes, and it's not as though I'm Scots. I mean, if I'd been really Scots, at

least the name would have had a partisan ring to it.

Well, look on the bright side, Mr Happy Chap.

After all, your father might have had an obsession about sousaphones.

That is true. That is very true.

Well, now, to business.

Stand, please.

Mind you, I can't see that we're going to be doing much business for some time

ahead. Planning far ahead, are we? Certainly a plot now. Stand on that,

you, please?

Well, you are in luck.

Because I can just squeeze you in between two peers of the realm. Well,

actually, I... Oh, what about Jolly Jack Tarr's last jesting ground?

We like to make death fun.

I can squeeze you between an admiral on your port, a midshipman on your

starboard, and a submarine commander astern.

I'm not here on that kind of business.

Oh.

A body arrived here a few days ago.

Now, it was brought here by train. Do you by any chance recall it? Indeed I

Ah, let me see, let me see, let me see.

Ah, yes. Class one interment.

Seventeen wreaths of assorted plastic flowers.

Simulated mock marble headstone. Stands up to the elements much better than the

real thing, you know. And a special home bargain get -in -while -stocks -last

fibreboard casket.

I remember it perfectly.

Where was it buried?

In our most exclusive area.

Paradise plot.

Let me see.

Yes, this is the one.

Here's the chap that came in by train.

Jonathan Jupp.

Helen, while you were on the train, something happened.

You fell out.

You tripped.

Train.

The train.

Not much progress.

Let me try something.

Helen.

Helen. Helen.

Are these photographs?

Do you recognise?

Do you recognise anyone?

Jonathan Jack.

Do you know?

Ellen, do you know him? No, he's dead. He's dead.

On a train.

My dog.

It

was

late.

I had my dog on the train with me.

He was travelling in the guards van.

And I got up.

And I went to the guard's van to feed him.

Do you believe her?

Sounded convincing.

Nevertheless, I... Nevertheless?

She is suffering from concussion.

Now, there was a coffin on that train. She admits to having seen it. The rest

could be figment of her imagination.

Hallucination brought on by her injuries.

Agreed. Except for two things. One, she did pick out Jop's... Vote

now.

And two?

Jonathan Japp.

He's a financier.

Of course.

I remember him now.

He was involved in some seedy deal or other.

He was about to be prosecuted for fraud.

Then he died of a heart attack.

Convenient. Very.

You've seen his grave?

His grave?

But not inside it.

All right.

I'll arrange for an exhumation order.

Well, satisfied?

I just wanted to make sure he was there.

I got this.

Jut was buried all right, but he's quite, quite dead. So that's that.

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid that's not that.

There was a murder attempt on Helen Pritchard.

Fortunately, Tara was there to foil the attack.

Unfortunately, the man was killed by his own gun.

But that still doesn't mean that her story about Jut was... Oh, there's more

it than that.

We've identified the attacker.

His name was Brad Morton.

Morton was a financier on the brink of being prosecuted for fraud.

But his death wasn't engineered.

You said it was an accident, his own gun.

He died officially six months ago of a heart attack. His body is buried at

Meadows.

Another one?

You want to exhume?

Another one.

Afraid so.

Really, Mr. Seed, this morbid curiosity is verging on an obsession.

If it's digging you're interested in, why don't you take up gardening? I mean,

roses, for instance, plant now, and by the summer you should have a fine crop

of... Mr.

Happychats.

All right.

But if this ever got out in the trade... It'll be our secret. But, you see,

people like to feel a sort of permanence about burial, up and down, up and down,

all the time. People will imagine I'm holding a dig in.

He's been stolen.

Taken away.

There's a thief in our midst.

Come on. Where are we going?

I want to use your phone.

That's it, Charlie.

In there.

Ellen Pritchard.

All ten.

Right.

Helen.

Do you feel well enough to run through the story again?

But I've told you all I know.

All you remember.

I'd go through it again.

Perhaps there's something you've overlooked.

All right.

It's no go.

No go?

What are you talking about? She's barricaded in up there. She's guarded.

no chance.

Some people.

Mother, Bradney Morton is not there.

There's a coffin, but no body.

Body matches in this day and age?

That's what it looks like. Oh, and another thing. I've been reading

What? John Ash... George and Tony Barter, Patrick Vernon.

Steve, will you please try and be coherent?

Think upon those names, Mother.

Ash, Barter, Vernon.

Of course.

All financiers. And all involved in seedy deals. And all buried in Paradise

Plot. All right.

There is only one thing for it.

All of them?

Uh, yes, brother. Well, yes, I agree.

It is the only way.

Uh, yes.

Yes, I'll attend to it.

Oh, uh... Mr. Happychap.

Bagpipes.

Baggers! No.

This may come as a little bit of a shock to you but you're a big man and I'm

sure you'll take it in your stride.

This is awful.

Simply awful.

There's no body left.

The great grave robbery. What do we do now?

Do?

Oh, no.

Not again.

Again?

Yes.

Yes, Grandma.

Yes, Grandma, we are endeavouring to do our best.

Yes.

Steed at this very moment is trying to dig something up.

But it's impossible, quite impossible.

He was here a minute ago.

Thank you, gentlemen.

It is impossible.

But it happened.

But it happened. A short time ago, this man, Jop, was dead

and buried.

But now...

Everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Duck? Everything.

Are you sure there's nothing you want?

No, thanks.

There is one thing I'd like.

I'd like to see... I'd like to see my wife's

face if she knew where I was now.

I bet there'd be egg all over it.

I don't see how I can help you, Mr. Cordell.

My husband's death was very sudden.

And he didn't exactly leave me well provided for.

Yes, well, that in itself is curious, Mrs. Joff.

You know there was a great deal of money missing from your husband's company.

Yes, but wherever he put it, the secret died with him. Or he took it with him.

Yes, perhaps.

It was a house attack, wasn't it, Mrs. Duke?

And you found it?

Yes. It's lying just over there. Oh.

All right, all right.

He'd never been ill before.

It all happened without warning.

He was planning to take me away.

Away?

Away where?

Well, he didn't tell me himself, you understand, but...

I overheard him talking on the phone to Mystic Tours. He was arranging a trip,

arranging to go away for a long time.

A long time.

Would you have heard him say that?

Yes, quite clearly.

And all this was arranged through Mystic Tours.

You're quite sure of that?

Yes, quite sure.

But where was he planning to go, Mrs. Jupp?

Well, I don't know exactly, but...

Whatever it was, it was somewhere nice.

Somewhere absolutely wonderful.

What made you think that?

Because I heard him say, where I'm going, it'll be paradise.

Absolute paradise.

Anything you like there, sir?

No, not really.

Why don't you try our European junket?

That's nine countries in four days by coach.

By coach? In four days?

Well, the driver used to be a Grand Prix driver.

You don't actually have to get off the coach. We provide written summaries of

every memorable experience you might have had in each city to impress your

friends.

We even provide photographs of you outside the loo.

Vatican.

Well, actually, I'm looking for something a little more relaxing.

An escape?

Far from the cares of the world, eh?

Well, a bit more than that, actually.

It's a lot of business trouble.

You understand me?

I'd like to get away from it all for a while.

Somewhere cool.

Cool. Well, I anticipate a hot spell in this country, if I stay here, that is.

Have you any further information of the sort of place you're trying to escape

to?

Well, actually, what I'm looking for is paradise.

Absolute paradise.

Paradise.

Paradise.

How are they doing it?

And why?

Who are they and where are they?

The whole graveyard looted, coffins dug up.

How on earth?

My guess is it happens at night.

There's no night guard at Happy Meadows?

No.

Well, why should there be?

There's no reason to believe that the inhabitants are going anywhere.

All the same, I really feel that...

Mother. Cordell.

You're what?

I'm taking a big chance calling you. They're watching me the whole time.

Who's watching you? Where are you? They're coming back.

I'll call later if I can.

Cordell. Where are you? I'm on my way to paradise.

Cordell. Cordell.

Not again.

Everyone's staying where they are.

This time I just want information.

Oh, that's better.

What can I do for you?

If a man called Cordell calls or phones... William Cordell?

That's right. He's here already.

What? Yes, he arrived a few minutes ago.

Poor chap. He got knocked over by a car.

His dying wish was that he should be interred in Paradise Plot.

Are you sure he was dead?

No respiration, no heartbeat, ice cold. Yes, he was dead.

Anyway, it's a little late to ask the question. He's already been buried.

What next?

A night vigil. We've got to catch the grave robbers red -handed. A round -the

-clock vigil from dusk to dawn.

Excellent steed.

Excellent. Esprit de corps and all that sort of thing.

Dedication to duty.

Heedless of sleep.

The wintry night.

Awake me if anything happens.

What? I gave the job to Dara.

Cold out here, isn't it?

Cordell is a lot colder.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to the club.

Thanks.

I suppose you're here for the...

For the same reason as me.

Things got too hot in the other world.

Yes, that's right. Are we comfortable, gentlemen?

Oh, never better.

Don't forget, if there's anything you want...

I'll tell you what.

I shall probably need a jolly long holiday when I've finished here.

Complaints will get you nowhere, Mr.

Japp.

All right?

Hiya. Hiya.

Hi.

Him? I saw him out of the hospital.

Oh.

No, look, what hospital?

What is this man talking about?

Nolte, Mr.

Cordell.

It's getting light.

Nothing's going to happen.

Waste of time.

I always thought it would be a whole night wasted and nothing's happened.

Well, now what?

If you put money into a bank, a reputable bank, you don't keep drawing

see if it's still there.

Here we are, sir.

There you are. He's still there, and he is still dead.

Only this time, he's been shot.

Shot?

Shot? Shot.

I wonder if it's too late to hand this case over to another department.

And no one approached the grave during the night? No one. After all, it's an

open and shut case.

Open the grave, shut the grave.

Happy Chat was with you all the time?

Yes. I should dress the report up. Make it seem simple and straightforward.

Mother. What?

Cordell spoke to Mrs. Chapton.

Well, I believe he did.

I think I'll go and see her.

Oh, yes, he got quite interested.

Excited, even.

Then I told him my husband had been planning a holiday with Mystic Tours.

Holiday?

Where?

That's what Mr. Cordell wanted to know.

But I couldn't tell him.

I couldn't tell him anything.

Except that it would be paradise.

Paradise?

Paradise, Mr. Speed?

That's what I'm looking for.

But aren't we all?

But not with so much fervor as me.

And another thing, they say that you can't buy your way into heaven.

But, uh... But I aim to try.

I think you'd better step this way, Mr. Staten.

Master. Master.

I don't know whether you noticed, but he's not breathing.

He's in what we call a deep state of trance.

Oh.

How long's he been like that?

Oh, he stopped his heart on Thursday last.

Or was it Friday?

Oh, Friday.

Well, how long will he remain like that?

It's difficult to wake him sometimes. However, he is sensitive to certain

things. Do you mind?

Anything to help?

It usually works.

Lo, and when the grasshopper saith I go, then tis time for the fish

to leap. He gets a bit like that.

Most profound master, we have a visitor.

A child in search of the eternal truth.

Then I saith this to thee, seek and ye shall find.

That's not original, you know.

Come only to me with a thirst for knowledge. Come only to me with a desire

see. Come only to me with... With lots of money. And he's got lots of money.

Thee are welcome.

Doubly welcome, son.

I shall take your hand and lead thee on a spiritual adventure.

Lo...

When the lotus withereth on the leaf, then tis time to... To go to paradise.

to paradise.

Eh?

That's what he's come here for.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

When did Steve leave, Mrs. Sharp?

I've already told you.

About three hours ago.

I am the master.

I'm also...

A charlatan?

Fraud? A taker -in of the gullible.

Well, that makes two of us. Yes.

I'm a charlatan, save in one respect.

A secret I stumbled upon, a priceless secret, which I'm prepared to impart to

others for a fee.

How much?

One third of that.

You see, I'm a gambler.

Gambling on your wit and chicanery, you have made a killing. Why else would you

be here?

One third of that killing, Mr. Seed.

That depends on what you're prepared to offer in return.

A new life?

You've grown tired of the old one, eh? It has become inconvenient?

To put it mildly. Very well. I will arrange for you to leave this life.

with it. Shuffle off this mortal coil.

If you were dead, Mr. Seed, if you were dead, the world would not pursue you any

further. The heat would be off, eh?

I will arrange your death for you. I could arrange that, too, and cheaper.

But I offer special after -death benefits.

Death is only the beginning of the deed.

It's the same pattern as before.

Not quite.

Cordell managed to call us.

I accept.

Excellent. You won't live to regret it, I promise you. I sincerely hope I do.

Live.

Oh, yes.

Right. Have no fear.

Well, I'll be back later.

I regret that now you are here. You must stay.

But surely... Now you already know too much about us. You must remain

incommunicado until the whole thing is over.

I'm sorry, but those are the rules.

Incomunicado? Can't I even phone my mother? Not even her.

When is this to be arranged your death is already arranged it will be violent

but quite painless

Paradise. Hello?

Yes?

Oh, when?

I see. Thank you very much. Bye.

It's Steve.

He's been located.

Well, come on. Where is he?

Out at Happy Meadows.

Miss King.

Hello. Where is he?

Where's who?

Steve.

He's gone.

Oh, it's just they told me he was here. He was here and he's gone.

Any idea where?

He's in Paradise Plot.

Oh, he's not digging up another one of those.

I don't think you fully comprehend the situation, Miss King. I said he was in

Paradise Plot.

What?

Dead. So we buried him.

Steve.

I assure you, he was quite dead.

What would it be like, I wonder, if I'd lived a completely blameless life?

This is really living.

Don't you mean dying?

Chubb.

You know me?

I was in finance, too, remember? We used to meet quite a lot in the city.

Possible.

Well, Mr. Steve, how do you like our paradise?

Are our angels dolly enough for you?

Unimprovable. I can.

Oh, thank you very much.

No, I don't want to spoil things.

How did I get here?

That was my part of the bargain, Mr. Steed.

I said I had one genuine talent.

That of being able to suspend animation.

You were likely bumped in a street accident just enough to render you

unconscious. But the world thinks you were killed.

After all, there was no pulse.

Breathing had ceased. Your body temperature was below that necessary to

life. An illusion I created.

To all intents and purposes, you were dead.

And buried.

Buried? Look above you, Mr. Steed.

These tunnels, catacombs, run directly beneath Paradise Plot, Happy Meadow.

And the door?

Connects to the coffins above. It's just as easy to...

And screw the side of the coffin as is the top, you see.

Relax, Mr. Steed. There will be nobody chasing you down here. The world above

thinks you are dead.

Miss King?

Dig it up. Please dig it up.

Roy?

Roy?

Do you pop out of here now and again? Pop out?

Yes. Upstairs, the great outside. See what's happening.

Never.

I've never been out since I arrived.

Oh, really? Aren't you the least bit curious about what's happening in the

wide world? Oh, curious doesn't enter into it.

Besides, they wouldn't alight.

You know, they say it takes about two years to let things cool off.

Two years?

Yes, that's how long we've got to be here.

Mind you, I'm not bothered.

Now, Miss King, you'll see for yourself for the last time.

Perhaps you'll understand why I... don't feel too well.

Cheeky, cheeky.

Now, you will watch the old ticker, won't you, gentlemen?

Everything to your liking, Mr. Sting?

Yes, thank you, Mr. Shaw.

Lovely.

That's what we like to see.

Sharpening it.

I always did think there was something wrong with him, Master.

You were absolutely right.

We can't take any chances, Mr. Cleed. Well, I appreciate that. I'm sorry, but

rules are rules. Of course. We have to kill you.

But you've already done that. Oh, naughty, naughty.

Yeah. Hold it.

Thanks, Tom.

Now she's gone.

... ...

Would you care to go first?

Why, then?

He's coming round.

Give him a nip of brandy.

All right, Mr Happy Chap, sir.

bit of mopping up to do.

Mr. Habichat, Steed is alive and well, but he's

staying on in paradise.

Like it?

Very complicated, isn't it? Steed! Tara!

Uh -oh.

Bit of a squash.

Mother!

I say!

Splendid achievement, Steed!

Splendid! Oh, thank you very much.

It's hard to believe you assembled it yourself.

The instruction booklet is very explicit.

Yes, but a thing like this, and in your own backyard.

It must have been expensive.

I've saved up a bit.

I've always wanted one of these.

Where are you going?

Outside.

Outside? Yes.

I want to take a snap of it, of my album.

Ah.

Where do you like the blue paper?

Oh, you don't.

All you do is press that button there.

This one? Yeah.

No!

Uh... That part of the kit arrives next week.

Steed!

Steed! Steed, I demand that you bring that thing down at once!

Demand?

Can you get us down?

Eventually, yes.

I still think I can.

Eventually?

There's no hurry.

None at all.

They'll be back.

You can depend on it.

They're unchaperoned up there.