Original subtitles

© transcript Emily Beynon

James Pendred, born 1919.

Died 8 .30 last night.

Dirty words?

Murder most foul.

How? At 8 .25, he left his office, walked to the car park, ambushed, got

ran back to his office, assassins followed him and shot him dead.

Any idea why?

No. He was a senior scientific advisor to the government.

At 8 .20 last night, he telephoned the Prime Minister.

He said that he wanted to meet him immediately on a matter of national

importance. He wouldn't say any more on the telephone. The Prime Minister was

most perturbed. That's very understandable.

Do you know what Pendrib was working on?

Nothing out of the ordinary. He was a forestry expert.

Come along, Rhonda. Pump, pump.

I'm taking on a starboard list.

You'll keep me informed, do you? Of course.

You take his apartment.

And you'll... Take the office.

Yes?

Seed. Oh, yes. They told me to expect you. I'm Carter, the James Penred

secretary.

Come in, won't you? There's nothing to stop me, really.

You know they stole the front door as well. So I know it is.

I can't imagine why they bothered to leave that. Anything else missing?

Well, not as far as I can see.

No secret papers, memoranda, confidential documents.

We don't deal in secrets in this department.

We plant trees.

When they grow up, we cut them down.

What a full, rich life you must lead.

Well, everything seems to be here.

Here? Oh, by all means.

Applications for annual leave.

Red tick in the margin means the judge has approved them. I'm very glad to hear

it. Anything else?

Statistics on the damage caused to young Norway spruce by field mice.

Oh, a grave situation.

Well, actually, that report is rather disturbing.

Disturbing enough for Sir James to phone the Prime Minister?

No, no, hardly that.

Something was.

Yes?

Sir James Pendred's residence.

Yes.

We are Worm Doom Limited.

Sir James asked to call.

I regret to inform you that Sir James parked away last night.

I was quite aware of that, old fruit gum. We were there.

You can't come in here.

Where do you think you're going?

Charming place. Has character.

Get out!

You hear me? Get out!

Get out! I say, what a delightful painting.

It's awful, I see.

Original, do you think?

Could be. It's a print. A copy.

Quite valueless.

There's very little value in this house.

No money.

Nothing. I detest imitations.

I loathe anything inferior.

You look rather inferior to me, old man.

What do you want?

We'll see.

We'll see.

We'll see.

We're looking for a photograph, old bean.

A photograph?

Taken just before the war.

A group photograph, some chaps.

Students at the Institute of Timber Technology.

Oh, Sir James was a student there. We know.

In fact, he's one of the chappies in the photograph.

Oh, I think I know the one you mean.

I'll get it for you.

It's in the album, in the death.

Don't concern yourself, old trout.

You'll find it.

In the album.

In the death.

You know, I do despise the working classes.

They're so...

So, working class?

Quite.

Well, tell me, George.

Hmm.

It's locked, Kenneth. The old grapefruit.

Thank you.

Carter? Oh, hold on a moment, will you?

It's for you.

Steed?

Yes, Tara?

Uh -huh?

The Institute of what?

Institute... of... timber technology.

Oh, excuse me. Hold on a moment, I'll note that down.

No, start.

What?

It's crumbling.

Look,

if you've got a lead, you follow it up.

I've got a problem on timber technology right here.

Goodbye.

See exactly where you are.

One more step and you'd have put your foot on a mighty redwood.

Where? There.

Little darling, isn't she?

Sequoia sempervirens.

It doesn't look like a mighty redwood.

Ah, not now, perhaps.

But you come back in a couple of thousand years. Then you'll see.

That's if the frost doesn't get her this winter.

Actually, I was looking for Professor Palmer.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, hello.

Tara King.

Very pleased to meet you.

Well, don't let's hang about here. Come along, up to base camp.

Right. Mind where you step.

There.

That's it.

That's it.

There we are now. Come along in.

Take a pew, my dear.

Take a pew.

That's it.

They said you might be able to help me.

Well, I'll do what I can.

Would you care for it, Miss Duff?

It was a bit early for me, thank you.

Yes, quite right, my dear, quite right.

Never touch a drop before sundown.

That's what makes people go to seed out here.

The white man's grave.

Um...

You don't happen to recognize any of these people, do you?

No, I don't. Yes.

That's Pindred.

Got himself a knighthood, I believe.

And that's Pim. He's an expert on timber decay.

I see.

A friend of yours.

Yes. Who's that?

That's Forsyth.

He went out to Africa in the forestry service.

And that's Wainwright.

That one? Yes. He's a managing director of something or other, I understand.

And, uh... That one?

That one is Sorbo.

Yes. Sorbo?

Yes. What happened to him?

I don't know. He's probably in prison.

It's a bad lot, Sorbo. No principles.

It's a bit of a rotter.

Anything else you want to know about?

Well, I wasn't... Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. I didn't mean to alarm you. It's

sparrows, you know.

After me seedlings. Gives them a bit of a fright, this.

I guess so.

You don't remember anything unusual about this group of men, do you?

Oh, yes, yes.

They were all doing research on fungi.

Fungi? Yes. They discovered something. It's quite by chance.

About fungi?

They wouldn't say.

They got a bit worried.

They took an oath of secrecy.

They wouldn't say.

I knew what it was. Oh, yes.

Did you?

I knew.

What was it?

How extraordinary.

Yes, isn't it?

You're an authority on timber.

Have you got an envelope?

Let me hear what's happened.

Timber was Sir James's province and purely administrative.

Oh, well, who would you recommend?

Offhand, I'd say Pym was your man.

Leading authority on timber decay.

Yes.

Yes, old Reggie Pym.

Mr. Pym. Shh.

My name is, uh... Please.

I'm sorry.

Listen to this.

Recognize it?

I might, if you bear a bit more.

Here goes then.

Wagner. Nobium tethylatums.

Of course. The ovidure. The mating call of the death watch beetle.

In due course, the female lays her eggs, the male departs. And the roof

collapses. On the only wooden bell tower in this area.

Not if we act in time, Mr... Oh, a steed.

From the ministry.

Really, sir? And what can I do for you? I'd like your opinion on this.

I'll do my best to help you, sir.

Ah, yes.

Quite unmistakable. The Junipus Virginiana.

A disease?

A timber.

The Virginian pencil seeder. Just the remains of a pencil? Yes, quite

Yes, still not to worry, sir. They're very cheap, luckily. You can easily buy

another one. Oh, I'm not worried about the cost. It's not my pencil.

No, what concerns me is the cause.

Cause? Well, it just fell apart in my hand. It crumbled away to nothing.

Good gracious. Decay, perhaps? Some sort of decay.

Is this decay common?

No, sir, I would say most uncommon.

In fact, I think I only ever remember once.

Remember what? Oh, nothing, sir. Look, I'm very tied up at the moment. As I

you just now, I have a Nobium tessellatum in the hammer beam.

Now, I have Highland troops by Jalem in the Perlins, so after all that, would

you think me very rude if I went and had a sit -down?

No, after all that, I wouldn't.

Lovely old place, isn't it?

Charming.

Adore the countryside.

You ever strangled anybody, aren't you?

Strangled?

No.

No, I can't say I have.

Trees are awfully nice in this time of year, aren't they?

Don't you think?

Awfully nice.

Just a hint of autumn in the leaves.

I wonder what it's like.

What?

Strangling. Oh.

Rather unpleasant, I should imagine. Not a method a gentleman would use.

Oh, quite, quite.

Awfully vulgar.

Country air, jolly invigorating. Yes. It makes one glad to be alive.

Shall we do it now?

I don't think so, no.

Just get a good look at the geography and come back tonight.

It's always better in the dark.

Much better.

More sort of dramatic.

Ah, the pencil, yes. Now, I'll examine this sometime, Mr. Thiem. I'd even put

under the microscope. I'll give you a ring.

Probably on the telephone at the end of the day.

I'll leave my number.

I'll meet you this evening without fail, sir.

Had a busy day?

Not more than usual.

Here's a photograph.

Well, that's Pym, isn't it?

Do you know him?

Yeah, I spent the afternoon with him up in the belfry. He's a bit batty.

In the belfry?

Sorry. Well, nevertheless, he's an expert in timber decay, according to the

Professor Palmer. That's right.

The late Professor Farmer.

Cut off right in the middle of a conversation.

By the way, how is Mr. Pym?

He was all right when I last saw him.

Well, considering the fact that two people in that photograph have already

murdered... Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.

Nobody there?

There must be.

Somebody picked up the receiver.

They left it off the hook.

Hello? Hello?

Mr. Pym?

Possibly.

On the other hand... Possibly not.

Here we go.

Somebody down there?

Anybody?

Is that you?

There's the church bell.

No, thank you.

Dry rot.

Dry rot?

Dry rot.

Run riot.

That's Pendrid and Pim gone. Who are the others?

The one with the moustache is Wainwright. He's managing director of

Timber Industries.

The one on the right is Forsythe. He's in Africa.

The other one, that's Thorbo.

Where's Thorbo?

Well... I had a bit of trouble locating him.

His old college professor seems to think he might have been in prison.

Where? In prison.

Well, is he in prison?

No.

He's in the antique business.

Oh, stealing them?

No, restoring them.

What, to their rightful owners?

No, to their original condition.

At least, that's what he says.

Well, we can leave Forsyte in Africa.

You can see Wainwright.

And you, of course.

We'll see Sorbo, the college cat. How do you

do?

I'm looking for Mr. Sorbo.

How are you?

Moth.

Woodworm.

Shooting.

Simulating them.

Ah, it's nice to see the old crafts aren't dying out.

What can I do for you? My name is Steed of Steed and Hepplewhite.

Antique exporters. We have branches in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco,

Toronto, Montreal, Seattle, Winnipeg, all points west.

We're looking for select.

Pieces? Of course.

Nice to meet you.

How do you do?

What sort of pieces were you looking for? Quality pieces, no fakes.

They've got to be genuine. Our American customers are very selective.

Dear chap, everything that leaves my premises is genuine, to the last detail.

Looks a bit new to me.

Oh, well, it's been restored, you see. Oh, I see, restored. Well, we don't

object to a certain amount of restoration as long as it's done, shall

Well, how do you say? Artistically?

Discreetly. Very, very discreetly.

Of course.

You can watch if you like.

I'd love to.

And here you see the top of this has been renewed.

So we have to distress it to match it up with the rest.

That should distress it. I'm sure it will.

The sides are genuine, aren't they?

No, they've been replaced.

How about the drawers?

No.

The legs?

One of them is.

Well, you never know which one.

Oh, no, you're looking at the top. No, they've been replaced. The bottom is

genuine.

Oh,

this is a genuine Georgian caster here. There's no mistaking that.

Look at that, eh?

Goodness me, that's magnificent. That represents 200 years of fair wear and

tear.

Oh, not finished yet.

Be as good as old in no time.

Oh, by the way, who put you on to me?

An old friend of yours, Reggie Pym.

Pym?

Yes, he said he was at college with you.

Yes, yes, that's right. I haven't heard of him for years. For all I know, he

could be... Dead.

What did I know?

Struck me as a possibility.

He is. He was murdered.

Who are you?

I thought we'd been through all that.

I'm... The, the, the... Yes, well, I'd like to check up on your firm before we

do any business. There's a lot of very shady people in this game.

You astonish me.

As a matter of fact, there is something that we're very concerned about in old

timber. What's that?

Dry rock.

Awful lot of it about lately.

I'll pop in and see you later.

Good day.

Thorbert here.

Look, there's been a chap in here asking a lot of questions.

He knows something.

Yes, I'm sure of it.

All right.

I'll see you this afternoon.

Good morning. Good morning. I'd like to see Mr. Wainwright.

Yes, by all means.

I didn't make an appointment.

It won't be necessary.

This young lady would like to see Mr. Wainwright.

Of course.

Come this way, won't you?

Mr.

Wainwright? But of course.

You asked to see him, didn't you?

Oh, yes.

You're not staff, are you?

No.

Well, of course, the main reason he is here is to enable the staff to pay their

last respects.

But, of course, friends and family are equally welcome.

What was the cause?

Overwork.

Sheer overwork.

He never spared himself.

Our firm was everything to him.

How long have you been with the firm?

Well, actually, I'm with the BBC.

British Burial Caskets.

We're a subsidiary of WTI.

This is one of ours, naturally.

Handsome.

English oak.

Impregnated throughout with never rot.

Never rot?

A timber preservative made by another of our subsidiaries, Worm Doom.

Yes, they're sure it's the same girl.

Well, it should be able to. She's only just let.

Right.

Sanford's going to deal with it.

One minute the gate was open, the next minute it wasn't.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Well, you got the car back?

Eight miles I had to walk before I found my car.

Oh. And then all the tyres were flat.

Now, let's get back to this.

He took the air out.

Yes. Now, why would anyone try and steal a photograph from Penrod's apartment?

Well, I should think it's because one of the men in the group... Didn't want to

be seen with the rest of the group.

Especially if he intended popping the rest of them off.

Possibly. Now, we've got Wainwright, Pendred and Pym all dead. That leaves

Forsyth and Sorbo.

Now, Sorbo is supposed to be seeing someone tonight. You keep tabs on him.

Perhaps you'd drop me at Forsyth's on your way.

In Africa?

Africa? No, in Hertfordshire.

Telephoned to his mother. She said he'd be back any minute. Do you really think

I'd ask you to drive me to Africa?

For a certain thing.

Mrs. Forsythe.

Oh, you did startle me. I'm very sorry. I'm a little excited again.

To tell you the truth, I'm expecting my son Victor.

He's coming from Africa, you know. Yes, he hasn't arrived yet? No, that stupid

old plane was delayed.

I see.

They're very beautiful.

Lovely.

Look, I always prefer plastic flowers.

They last so much longer.

Are you a friend of his?

Yes, my name is John Deed. Perhaps he's mentioned me.

Not that I remember offhand.

Would you care to come inside and wait for him?

That's very kind of you, ma 'am. Oh, thank you.

Do come in.

Oh, these are two more friends of Victor's. They're waiting to see him,

Do you all know each other?

I don't think we do.

Oh, well, this is John, that's Kenneth, and that's George.

Do sit down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll do away with these silly old roses.

I don't care what anyone says.

I like the plastic ones.

They love so much London.

The weather's taken a turn for the better.

Yes. Yes, I suppose it has.

Yes.

Could be a lot worse.

It could be a lot worse. Yes, I suppose it could, really.

Yes.

Known old Victor long?

Yes, quite some time.

Nice chap. Oh, frightfully nice. One of the best.

He's an awfully good pianist. Oh, frightfully good. Yes, I'll say one

old Victor. He really can play the piano. Pretty good on the violin, too.

But his real instrument was the clarinet.

Now, he was absolutely fantastic on the clarinet.

Oh, quite fantastic.

Yes, he really can play the clarinet. Really can. Oh, can, dear.

Victor, Mrs. Forsythe. Can he really?

He never told me.

Of course. How stupid of me. It was Edwin who played the clarinet.

I thought it couldn't be Victor. He can't play a thing. Never could.

Now, I'll be back soon and we'll all have some tea.

Ah.

Yes,

it was Edwin who played the clarinet.

He's another friend of mine.

Well, it's a great pity Victor can't play the carinet.

Lovely instrument.

It's never mind what he plays, John.

What are you playing? Ah, tea is splendid. Give the lady a hand, Kenneth.

A cup of tea is the best thing to calm us when we get excited.

Oh, are we excited then?

Well, of course.

We're all waiting for Victor. Oh, of course we are. How silly of me. Now, do

me help you. Now, do we all take sugar? I do. How about you, Kenneth? One lump

or two?

Oh dear, I've forgotten to bring it in. Never mind, I'll start to pour out,

shall I?

Interesting sound.

Yes, I don't write tunes like that anymore, you know.

John, you're very naughty.

Now you're to put those things in the piano, wherever it is.

Thank you.

That's how they start.

Carelessness like that.

Forest fires.

That's how they start.

Oh, sorry, I wasn't thinking.

Too late to be sorry.

Too late when you've burned down 300 acres of prime timber.

Well, it's no harm done, is it?

Came here to burn down our trees, did you?

Is that why you came?

Oh, no, it's ridiculous.

Of course I didn't. You came here for something else, did you?

You're a poacher, are you?

Certainly not.

You look like a poacher to me.

This is stupid.

I was having a walk. I did no harm. Of course I'm not a poacher.

I've done nothing.

What is all this about? Who are you?

He doesn't know who we are.

That's funny.

Because we know who you are, Mr. Sauber.

Better not do anything to me.

I'm meeting somebody here any minute.

I'm meeting somebody here, a friend.

Oh, yes.

Your friend.

He can't make it, so we've come instead.

Where is he? I've told you, he can't make it.

He told us all about you, then.

About you, knowing too much.

Get on your feet.

See who that is.

Just a temporary delay.

We wouldn't want anyone to disturb us now, would we?

Sawboat dead?

Yes. Shot.

Point blank.

Body found about an hour ago.

Probably dumped from a motor car.

Any news of Tara? She was tailing him.

No, not yet.

But I presume she'll contact us when she has something to report.

Oh, there's one other matter of interest.

Yes?

Forsythe. Supposed to be coming back from Africa, wasn't he? According to his

mother. Mother?

Yes. Well, he arrived in Paris a week ago, then disappeared.

And he could have been in London.

Precisely. I've got a dozen men trying to locate him.

It's not Forsythe I'm worried about. It's Tara.

I wish I knew where she was.

of the management.

Ah, and just specifically who are the management? You'll find out in due

Ah, 53.

Not a very good year, was it?

Will you stop walking about, Steed?

Mother?

Tara?

Oh.

Good.

Is it Tara?

Forsythe's turned up in London.

Where is he? At your apartment.

Waiting for you.

Did you take a look at the girl?

Yes, we did.

She's safe enough.

We've heard she's working with a man called Steed.

Don't worry, though. Somebody's dealing with him.

Oh? Where?

In his apartment.

So you're Forsythe.

No, chap.

I am.

All finished?

Oh, I think there's a little wine left.

Make the most of it, darling.

You weren't thinking of trying to club me with that bottle, were you?

Oh, well, it had crossed my mind. I get so few pleasures down here.

Oh, you get a few less in a short while.

Like me by dropping your gun?

Dead? No, Miss King, not dead.

Merely arrested.

My mother told me that a chap called Steve wanted to see me. I came here and

let me in and then he tried to kill me.

And he wasn't quick enough. He wasn't steed either, I am.

Come off it. I'm not falling for that one. Well, how about... Now, let's have

little chat, shall we? You and four other people joined the Institute of

Technology. Now, you jointly discovered something. What was it? Dry rot?

Yes. A mutation.

Frightful stuff. Sprints like wildfire. We made a pact to keep quiet about it.

All five of us. You're the only one alive. The other four are dead.

Oh, hang on. No, Wainwright isn't dead. I spoke to him on the phone not half an

hour ago. You what?

Yes, I had a letter from him in Africa, something about a job.

I don't like the sound of it. He sounded even madder than the last time I saw

him. So Wainwright's alive?

Yes, and as mad as a hatter.

He's using that dry rot for something. I say, have you seen what they did to my

mother's piano?

Seen what they did? I was under it.

There was another thing. That chap there had two guns.

One of them seems to be some sort of a spray gun.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, just one other question.

What have you been doing in the week since you left the plane in Paris?

Ah, well, now, that's a rather funny story. I'm dying to hear it. There was

awfully pretty girl. I've heard it. Now, you stay here, give yourself a drink,

and don't budge till I get back.

Why? Where are you off to? I'm going to see the late Mr. Wainwright.

You fellas certainly know how to make a girl feel good.

No offence, Miss King, but killing girls is well.

It's not cricket, you see. It just isn't done.

I'm glad to hear it. You see, there are certain ethics, standards of behaviour,

certain actions which a gentleman would never consider.

Well, I wouldn't want to put you in an embarrassing position.

That's a dash decent of you, Miss King.

So, why don't you just untie these silly ropes and let me go?

Oh, no, no. We couldn't do that. Impossible.

If your friend knew that you'd killed a girl, he'd never forgive you.

Would you?

She's got a point, you know. I wouldn't.

I say, that's a jolly awkward situation.

I got it.

We'll let Sanford do it.

Splendid idea.

Sanford? Yes, he's a decent enough chap.

Well, frankly, he's a bit... Still, I'm quite a bit delighted to kill you.

Oh, thanks very much. Oh, not at all.

Oh, my word, that was a sticky moment.

However, all's well that ends well.

Neat. Frightening.

You two wait outside.

We'll deal with this.

Oh, well.

Here I am at King.

Don't feel nice to imagine.

Tuttle bit, old thing.

Get up.

I regret to inform you, madam, that your usefulness has ended.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Why have you kept me here so long? I thought you might need a hostage until

friend Steve is out of the way. But now, however, he's been disposed of.

Yes. But please don't distress yourself.

I've decided that you are going to join him very shortly.

Let me give you a little demonstration.

Dry rot in action.

I've already seen it.

Ah, but that was the retarded variety.

That only destroyed the wood it was applied to and the area surrounding it.

this is unretarded.

What's the difference?

The difference?

This forms a large fungus.

The fungus releases spores.

The wind carries the spores.

And every piece of timber they touch rots.

Rots! Rots!

See that?

It's a pillbox.

Is it? But it's not for letters.

We are putting those at three corners all over England.

Do you know why?

You're collecting postage stamps.

It is not a postbox, the king, but a giant...

Like this.

Only that contains 500 times more dry rot.

They are activated by radio control.

I push this button and the air is filled with rot from Land's End to John O

'Groats.

The whole country will rot.

Roofs will fall.

Floors will collapse. Then the spores will drift across the channel. The whole

of Europe will rot. The whole world!

Unless, of course, they agree to my terms.

Which are?

1 ,000 million pounds.

A modest sum, you'll agree.

You don't really believe all this rot, do you?

Consider a world without wood, Miss King.

My dry rot will make the nuclear bomb the greatest earthquake... the mightiest

volcano seem as insignificant as a teardrop in Niagara.

Steve!

and destroy the world.

And we all...

Quick, it's undertaker's and the business. Shall we go?

Plain flour, two pounds.

Hand milled on stone, of course.

Of course.

Eight, two, three, four dozen.

All laid by pedigree hands within the last three hours.

Naturally. Salt.

From the coast of Brittany, coarse ground.

Seven rare and exotic herbs.

Milk. Llamas.

Is there any other kind?

Sugar. Wild cane.

And pimentos.

Whiskey.

What? That's for me.

Oh. Mix together for ten minutes. Ten minutes later, I will come in and

administer the... Magic touch of a master chef.

Ten minutes after that, we'll have the...

Steve's Crusted Omelette of Mushroom.