Original subtitles

Come in.

Everything's set for tomorrow's board meeting, Sir Jeremy. Good.

If there's nothing else, I would like to get away early.

Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

Important date, Miss Charles?

I just want to leave early.

That's all.

Good night, Sir Jeremy.

Thank you.

I suppose the area has been thoroughly searched.

Thoroughly? The results are waiting for us in Sir Jeremy's office.

Right.

Haven't you forgotten something?

It's 230 shopping days to Christmas.

It's your birthday?

Why have we been called in? Why have we been called in? This company, the

Carital Land and Development Corporation, have just landed the

I see.

Which contract?

Cupid. Cupid?

Cupid. Who is he?

What is it?

In the event of a war, where would the government go?

The moon?

Underground, Cupid.

Cabinet underground premises in depth, to be built by this company.

So, naturally, when one of their directors gets popped off... We are very

concerned. Let's have a look at the evidence.

And what is exhibit one?

A footprint, found in the grounds.

I hope they took a plaster cast.

Whoops!

does that say? Well, apparently, despite the size of the shoe, the depth of

impression suggests the person was of normal weight.

Not a giant.

Unless it was a very thin giant.

And what, may I ask, is that?

I don't know. It looks rather like a bunch of flowers.

Could be a clue, of course.

Could be.

If it is, immortality is ours.

Well, it's bound to go in the archives of the Criminal Museum.

With a little card discovered and donated by Stephen King. One bunch of

It was a walking stick when you found it. A bam. It was.

Metamorphosis. Tadpole and frog.

Could be awkward.

Swaggering down Bond Street with a bunch of bananas.

Imagine yourself hailing a cat.

Found it happening right outside my club.

I could do it now.

Taxi.

Air conditioning.

I already have it. Extra air conditioning. I think you'd better put

I shouldn't have eaten the bananas when I had them.

By the tickers.

Very theatrical.

Excellent.

Excellent. Excellent.

Excellent.

Are you sure?

Quite sure. There was no one about.

It was like first house on a Monday.

A wet Monday.

Sir Jeremy was only one of the board.

Our revenge will not be complete until all the directors are gone. Look at this

man, gentlemen.

Another director of the Carital Land and Development Corporation.

The Honourable Thomas Randolph Clegghorn.

Your next victim!

Strike and strike now! He must be killed!

Killed! Killed!

Scene 8.

What do you think it is?

Well, a red ping -pong ball with a hole in it. Of course, it needn't necessarily

have anything to do with Claighorn's murder.

It was found at the scene of the crime.

I know, but the Honourable T .R. Claighorn was drowned.

And bopped severely on the top of his aristocratic head. Bopped with the

traditional bopper. A blunt instrument.

Ah!

Just doesn't make sense.

Gigantic footprints, magical bunches of flowers, red ping -pong balls.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Think of what?

Noses. Red noses.

What does that conjure up?

Inebriates.

Now, there's a long word for you. I know lots, actually.

Anti -disestablishmentarianism.

You mean doing the crossword again? Try.

What does it mean?

Anti -disab...

Or whatever you said.

Clowns. Eh?

Are you not going to tell me that antedil... Or whatever.

Mean... No, no. The vermilion proboscis.

A nose by any other name. Ah.

Now, this nose is part of a clown's make -up.

This is a section on clowns.

Just as mine's mum is. And what does it say?

It says... Section 247, Vodafil.

And what does that say?

It says, turn to appendix G5, dying art.

Vermilion, proboscis, proboscis, vermilion.

I'm going through a freeze.

Ah, eggs.

Consequently, eggs.

Eggs? Clowns don't lay eggs.

And bad ones, too. Ah, this is more important.

Each clown's make -up is copyright and is individual, it's fingerprints.

These make -ups are painted and preserved on eggs.

Any idea?

By one Marcus Rugman.

Eggs?

Marcus Rugman, make -up registration artist?

Yes. I'm Tara King. I phoned you earlier.

Well? Can I come in?

Come in? Yes.

It's most unusual.

You are a public office.

Yes, that's the trouble.

But I have a query. An important one.

You've read the notice?

I like it.

One section applies to you.

No handbags.

I'll leave it outside.

You must be very...

Very careful.

Eggs break, you know.

So I believe.

You see, Bethoyle, 22 years of patient brushwork. Every clown's face in Britain

registered and copyrighted by being painted on an egg.

Large size.

I'm here to trace a clown.

Well, if you know what he looks like, we can find him. Please.

No wandering. Please.

Follow me.

To the white lie.

Then out of reach.

I promise, I promise.

I didn't know you were going to stop.

It won't happen again.

Well done, Miss Keane. Well done.

Now, what does this clown of yours look like?

I think it's a red -nosed comedian.

A red -nosed comedian?

That's the line we're following up, Lord Dessington. I could go barring to him

myself. Or a troupe of young girls, you know, high -stepping young fillies.

Yes, but where's the sense in it?

Two of our board have been murdered, and now you're trying to tell us that some

fellow wearing a red nose would be excellently disguised. You've got a

there. All clowns are the same.

All right, I'll concede that, Peagrave, but I still say where's the point in it.

Steve here was brought in because of Project Cupid, and because these murders

might be part of a bigger plot to wreck the project.

Now we're talking about comedians, red noses. Be nothing but trouble from the

start. Huh? Project Cupid. Oh, come now, Brigadier Wiltshire.

What do you mean, trouble?

I understood it was all going smoothly.

Why, so it is.

What about the fights we had? Bradford and Claycorn arguing about the choice of

materials, and you and Desington arguing about the choice of subcontractors.

Perfectly normal procedure in a project the size of Cupid.

Oh, certainly there have been differences of opinion as to how to

job. And there have been disagreements. Oh, but on perfectly amicable terms.

Oh, perfectly. I see.

Well, I won't keep you gentlemen any longer.

I don't have to warn you to be on your guard. Against chameleons? What'll you

do? Tickle us to death? Oh,

by the way, Mr. Seagrave, you were wrong. About all clowns looking alike,

don't.

Every make -up is copyright and preserved on eggs.

Eggs? It'll take time, Miss King, time.

There are so many faces and you have so few clues.

How long?

Hard to say, really. I might just put my finger on him in a few minutes and

there again.

Might take a few days.

i'll come back no no no there's uh there's no need for you to actually come

here in person um perhaps i could phone you okay i'll give you my colleague's

phone number it's in my handbag follow me

Get these cards. Now, you will ring?

Yes, yes. Don't worry. Yes, I will ring.

Ah.

Emergency! Emergency!

Emergency!

Emergency!

Emergency! Emergency!

Emergency!

We summoned this emergency meeting because we do have an emergency.

But we were all set to move against Brigadier Wiltshire. Wiltshire will have

wait.

You carelessly left part of your makeup at the scene of the crime.

Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did.

Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did. Oh, no, I didn't.

A red ping -pong ball.

It was a vital clue to your identity.

But we work better in full makeup. But your makeup is distinctive to you.

That's right.

And if I found anybody pinching my act, I...

Hello? Hello, Miss King.

Mark is here. I think I've found what you were looking for.

What's that?

Sounded like eggspring.

All the king's horses?

And all the king's men.

He must have been trying to tell us something.

What? What indeed?

And who killed him?

Look.

Mary Maxie Martin.

If you'll forgive the pun, executed.

And Marcus, the egg man?

Oh, they don't call me the man with a million cracks for nothing.

I don't think Marcus saw the yolk.

What's next door are the who?

Another director.

But first, think carefully.

Is there anyone else? like the Eggman.

Someone from your past who might expose you.

He's dead.

Right. Off you go then. Your target will be working late tonight.

It should be as easy as pie.

Just a minute.

Mary Maxie Martin didn't write all his own material, did he?

You know, I think you're right.

I am right. Mary Maxie always used the same dagger, Roger. Someone who could

lead to us? Possibly.

Bradley something.

Bradley Doremi.

Right, get on to him. Find out where Bradley Doremi is.

No, no, no, you misunderstand me. His name is Marla.

Doremi Fasolatido.

Bradley Martin.

No, I don't want to hire a comedian. I'm inquiring about one. Mary Maxie Martin.

Martin. You are the vaudeville artist information bureau?

I think I've got the man who killed vaudeville personally.

Pick a card.

No, I don't want hilarious Harry Horsefly. I want Maxie Martin.

Retired?

Well, semi -retired.

Resting. Is that a word?

Yes,

well, that's the chap. Now, where can I find him?

Who is gag writer? Who?

Marla?

Bradley Marla, thank you.

Oh, what's the card?

Free of sub.

In your handbag.

That's a great woman.

Bradley Marlowe.

Well, if I'm not Bradley Marlowe, I'm having a great time with his wife.

I'm having a great time with his wife.

Look, that was a joke. I'm not even married.

A great time with... Bradley Marlowe, the comedy writer. Here, look, look.

This girl was going to marry this millionaire. And one of her friends

look, do you know what you are doing? He's 87.

And the girl said, look, if somebody gives you a check like that, you don't

at the date.

You like that one? It has a certain humorous shape.

Well, don't go away, because it's here somewhere. Let's see now.

I'm hoping that you can help me.

What is it you're doing? A stag party, a club, a mitzvah? I'm not in the

entertainment business.

Oh, television.

Look, I've got an hilarious brain -surgeon routine.

It's only been used once. I want some information.

Look, doe rabbit. Doe rabbit comes out of the prairie bush. She looks back and

she says, I wouldn't do that again for 50 bucks.

Forget it. I understand you used to write for Mary Maxie Martin.

Maxie Martin?

Oh, dear old Maxie Martin. Whatever happened to him?

I was hoping you might be able to tell me. No, no, I haven't seen him for

Maxie Martin.

Ha! He's a great comedian, he was. Red nose, big feet.

Yeah, that was Maxie. He was a quick change artist, you know.

Fastest in the business. You know, he could make about six changes to costume

just walking across the stage.

But you don't know where he is now.

No, I mean, where do they go?

Theatres, musicals, clothes, vaudeville, variety dyes, you know.

Maxie's act was the old style, you see.

Couldn't adapt himself to the news.

Oh, here you are, here you are. A fella comes out of this house, throws himself

in the road. What up? Old lady passing by, she says, yeah, are you all right?

says, yes, but I've got a swan out of the car.

No, forget it. Tell me some more about Maxie.

Well, I mean, what is it to tell?

He ruled the Gladchester Palladium.

Worked there for years, he did. They loved him.

Gladchester Palladium?

Yeah, well, it's closed now, you know.

I've been standing empty for I don't know how long.

Fallen to pieces, I shouldn't wonder, like all the other old theatres.

Times change.

Yes, I know, but it's a bit sad to think you're not going to see those big feet

of his again.

Don't think too much.

Call Steed.

Tell him someone's tried to kill me.

Lemon flavoured.

Glue. Yes, an extremely foul setting.

If I hadn't managed to pull it off... At least it proves one thing.

Our killer's quite capable of making a mistake.

You're still alive.

Just. No thanks to you, Steed.

Three of us dead already and now another murderous attack.

What are you doing about it? Chasing egg?

Or is it red noses this time? One red nose.

Attached to one Mary Maxie Martin, clown comic, quick -change artist, star of

the Gladchester Palladium.

This company owns the Gladchester Palladium.

What? Yes, get the file on it, would you? I'm afraid it isn't available.

It's gone into our archive.

Oh. Well, take my word for it. The Gladchester Palladium is ours.

Oh, we bought it with a whole chain of vaudeville theatres, 30 or 40 of them,

all due for demolition.

As you know, vaudeville's dead.

Looks as though vaudeville may have just decided to fight back.

Oh, what a pity!

Oh, what a pity!

Oh, what a pity!

Oh, what a pity! Oh, what a pity! Oh, sorry, Mr. Punch. Sorry? It was a

A failure!

Failure! Oh, what a pity!

What a pity!

We can do it properly second performance.

Lord Datington should now be dead. He will be. We'll leave right away.

Wait!

There is another matter, even more urgent. I asked you earlier if there was

anyone who knew you who could be a danger.

There's nobody.

We think differently.

Who? Your old gag writer, Bradley Marler.

I don't get it.

Maxie!

Hey,

Maxie! How are you, boy?

Looking great, are you all right?

Come here, have a chair, have a chair.

Hey, where the hell are we looking for you?

Well, I mean, that's no way to find work, is it? Where have you been hiding?

Fooled you, fella.

You can't fool me, Maxie. I know why you're here. I know why you're here.

Material. That's what you want, isn't it? Material. I've got some lovely

material here. I was doing one this morning, which was a beauty. Just right.

Do you remember that? Do you remember that lovely night throne routine I

you? Wasn't that sensational?

A sensational routine.

And then what about a girl you had in there, eh?

What a beauty standing there to roll on the drums and straight past as you had

to be drunk. That was it, you was drunk. All the time tottering about.

Great stuff it was. And then when you threw that knife.

Now

you're

quite sure you know what to do.

Three things.

One, stay close to Dessington. Very close.

Two, never let him out of my sight. Not for a second.

Three, be prepared for another attempt at murder. At any time. Good.

I'll get right on duty.

Anything else?

Yes, why do you hold up four fingers?

I can't seem to manage three.

They're all bent.

Hello?

Steve? Marla?

Yeah.

I don't know what you're going to make of this.

He killed me.

Maxie was here. Mary Maxie Martin. Did you get his address?

Where is he now?

Hello? Hello?

I'm still here.

I wrote it down.

It's on the desk.

Marla?

Marla!

Is that everything, Mr. C .B.? Yes.

There are a few queries, but I'll raise those with the architects myself.

I have a couple of visits to make now anyway.

You'll be back today?

Depends on when I get through.

I'll phone in for any messages.

It's the correspondence on Project Cupid, sir.

Huh?

Private and confidential correspondence.

Oh, yes, sir. Thank you.

Just go ahead. Act normal.

Darn it, I am normal. Who is this person? King.

Tara King.

Steed sent me. Steed sent you? Why?

To look after you. Look after me?

Personal bodyguard.

Really? Is this absolutely necessary?

Oh, extremely.

Well, I suppose there's no real harm in it.

Not really my place to say, sir.

I thought I'd leave if you have no objection.

Leave? Now?

If you don't mind.

No, of course not.

Off you go.

King, you said?

Hmm. Tara King.

Tara King.

Well, well.

Oh, darling.

Perhaps you'd care for a drink?

No, thanks.

Well, perhaps you wouldn't mind if I had one?

Not at all.

on the desk.

Bradley Marler has taken his last curtain call.

Excellent, excellent.

But you must leave at once and rectify your previous mistake.

Lord Deshington.

I must be killed!

Killed! Killed!

Killed! Killed!

Killed! Killed! Killed! Killed! Oh, well, well.

Oh, my God, eh?

Well, well, well.

And, uh, you come to keep an eye on me, eh? That's the idea.

I don't suppose you were ever in the army?

No.

Of course not.

Foolish, aren't they?

I spent most of my time in the Middle East.

Funny place.

Hot.

Lots of fans.

Lots of fans.

I was in charge of camels.

I don't suppose you...

A young lady of Gloucester. She met a young...

Are

you sure you won't join me?

Not quite sure.

I was once in North Alaska.

North Alaska?

Have you been there?

No, never.

Very interesting, I believe. I don't remember.

I was only two years old at the time.

No camels in North Alaska.

Oh, I believe it's one of the main features of the place.

What? The absence of camels.

Oh, yes.

Lots of sand.

Lots of sand.

I beg your pardon?

In the Middle East.

Oh.

Lord Dessington, please relax.

After all, we must have something in common with our camels. Well, let's try,

Joey.

Cricket? Yes.

Stock exchange?

Fashion. Golf?

Motor racing.

Not walking stick.

Music! Either.

I went to a concert.

A great concert.

A great symphony. A great conductor.

Oh, joyous, joyous.

I particularly like that violin stance of the girls.

The brass rises up.

The piano.

The piccolo.

Now the strings come in again. The great horn.

The cello. A wave of sound building up. The drums.

A row.

Building up to a pitch.

A crescendo.

And now the whole orchestra joins in. The grand finale.

She's still on her tail.

No, no, no. Straight on.

I've got an idea.

Could I be after helping you now, miss? Oh, thank goodness you're here. You see,

there were these two men. Which two men would they be now, then? Oh, well, they

just went in there in a taxi cab, you see, and I... Oh.

is simple. She must be eliminated.

Not me. I'm not killing a woman. Why the distinction, Mr. Martin?

I don't care. I won't do it. Let me have her, Mr. Punch.

Who is it?

Who is it? It's me, Fiery Frederick.

I need a new assistant to perfect my act.

Yes. Give her to Fiery Frederick.

No. No.

No.

There will be a final meeting this evening at six o 'clock.

But there's only one director left.

Six, six, six, six, six.

You'll go down in history, my girl.

The very first woman to be burnt in half.

Oh, I know plenty who've been thrown into.

But burnt? Never.

Of course, it's in its early stages, you understand.

I think it might work.

But even if it doesn't, it's stage history, isn't it?

Relax, my girl. Relax.

Yes? Gentleman Jack, a smile, a song, and an umbrella.

Oh, um, Merlin, the magnificent magician.

I'm the principal here. Can I help you? This is Vodavilla, the stopping place

for resting artistes?

Yes. Then you can, because I'm a resting artiste. Ah, oh, I'm afraid there's no

room, no vacancies. You can't stay here.

But surely you can show me around.

Good, that's settled then.

We're very comfortable here.

This, of course, is the lounge, stage, reading room.

Charming. I can't wait till the place becomes available.

Now, what goes on in there?

Just a storeroom, props and hampers, you know.

Gentlemen, Jack, a smile, a thong, an umbrella.

Get rid of it. It's nearly time for our meeting. I'm trying.

I'm trying.

Gentlemen, Jack, I'm sorry, but that's private. I really must ask you to leave

now. But I haven't seen anything. Some other day, perhaps. I haven't met any of

your guests. How do you do? Very well, thank you. Now it's fair. Gentlemen,

Jack, please.

But I was so looking forward to meeting them.

You wouldn't like them, you know.

They're all eccentric.

All of them.

All of them.

Except me, of course.

No gag.

And now for the final stage of our plan.

I have a big surprise for you.

Are they planning?

To wreck Cupid.

Is that a fact?

A guess.

And the Mary Vauder villains?

They're being duped. They think they're getting back at the company that closed

their theatre.

So what do we do? Join the meeting?

In a suitable disguise.

And now the big surprise.

We have decided to call a halt to operations for a while.

We can't stop now. There's one director left. That's right. Get rid of him and

we can get back to the theaters again. We can't stop now.

This whole operation was ours.

We want action. Action you will get.

Thank you.

Young man, you're sitting on my washing.

Find out who really pulls the strings around here.

Did I ever tell you the one about the chap who wanted to clean up with the

foreign power? No, you never did tell me the one about the chap who wanted to

clean up with the foreign power. Tortid Sabotage Cupid?

Sabotage Cupid? Persuaded a group of variety artistes to do his dirty work

him?

Steed, you forgot the punchline.

Last director?

Seagrave. Curtain?

Curtain.

Beautiful than ever. Come in.

And on time, too.

Steve, you promised to take me to the opera.

I know I did. I thought it would be a change from red -nosed comedian.

But the performance starts in half an hour.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

You'll never be ready.

I promise.

You won't be disappointed.

like this without learning nothing.

Here we go.