Original subtitles

Where is he?

What do you think?

He's absolutely gorgeous.

Just look at those nostrils.

Zizi, darling, he's perfect for the part.

Don't you think so, Stuart?

Yeah, splendid.

Perfectly splendid.

A bit tall.

The way he looks is the most important thing. This is a non -speaking part,

isn't it?

Your agent explained it was a non -speaking part.

Oh, Zizi, darling.

This is the boy. I just feel it.

We test him.

I just know you'll be marvelous.

speaking. A beautiful performance.

You were right.

Absolutely right, my dove.

He makes an excellent corpse.

Excellent.

Mrs. Peel. Sorry, indeed, I'm needed.

Elsewhere.

Where are we going?

North to Whittlesham Heath. Find Fitzroy Lane.

Continue along it for five -tenths of a mile and stop.

And then?

I don't know.

I had an anonymous phone call. A man. I didn't recognize the voice.

He asked you to meet him?

Said it was a matter of life and death.

It could be a trap.

You could be right.

Just up there.

Five tenths of a mile.

False alarm shall we go back?

Funny business Probably somebody's idea of a joke.

This voice, what did it sound like?

Hear it for yourself.

Hello? Mrs. Peel? Yes?

I have to see you.

It's imperative.

Who's speaking?

Take the road north to Whittlesham Heath.

Find Fitzroy Lane.

Now, just a moment.

Drive exactly five -tenths of a mile along it.

Then stop.

I'll meet you there.

Who are you?

It's life and death, Mrs. Peel.

I must see you. Now, listen.

Hello?

Recognise him? No.

But there is something vaguely familiar about the voice.

Well, if it comes to you in a blinding flash, let me know.

Meanwhile, what can I do for you?

Well, I dropped by to invite you out to dinner.

I thought we'd start off early, go down to the coast. I have to drive over and

see a friend, but I should be back around five.

Pick you up around six.

Lovely.

I like her.

Thought you would. She has poise, looks, a kind of animal vitality.

Animal vitality. That's exactly the word I was looking for.

She's right.

Absolutely right.

I want her, Kirby.

I want Mrs. Peel.

Three and six lady.

Victoria Grove.

You're going the wrong way.

Bye -bye.

She is right.

Absolutely right.

Thank you.

Sing for you.

Who are you?

And what part have you played in that little tragedy back there?

Leave her alone!

I told you before, stay away from Mother!

Mother? Can it be?

Is it possible?

Alexander!

Mother!

My little Alexander.

Mother. Home from the wars.

Was it so... Was it so terrible?

It was hell, Mother.

The noise. The people.

How... How you must have suffered, Alexander. Mother. Alexander. Mother.

How has my wicked little sister been behaving? She is evil. I know. Shall we

rid of her, Mother?

Shall we be rid of her once and for all? Yes. Shall I kill her for you?

Yes.

Yes.

I will kill her.

Well played. Thank you.

Good, good.

Mark it.

Give you three seconds.

Get out of town.

Thank you.

This will be my ultimate masterpiece, a compendium of all my films, a picture

with passion, with horror, with danger, and with Mrs. Peel in the lead.

I think we'd better get after her.

Yeah, she can't possibly get away from the studio.

There's no rush, no rush.

Now, Kirby, I want to talk about the next scene, huh? Oh. I think we should

this with plenty of page, you know? Give it everything you have, you understand?

coast, Mrs. Beale?

Mrs. Beale?

Fitzroy Lane.

Now, just a moment.

Drive exactly five -tenths of a mile along it, then stop.

I'll meet you there.

Who are you?

It's life and death, Mrs. Peel.

It's life and death.

It's life and death, Mrs. Peel.

The substance of a great movie is like a magnificent fabric woven from here

and here and here.

The rest...

Many shadows.

Brilliant shadows that I create.

And what about us?

You, you, my pets, are merely puppets. Puppets?

That's a bit thick. Don't forget that you are still under contract to me, both

of you. A ridiculous small print.

You know, darling, we should have slaughtered that agent of ours. Don't

Now, remember my promise to you. This picture will restore you to your

pedestals.

It will send you soaring once more into that...

Firmament, that galaxy where the stars shine brightest.

So far we have created a confined, claustrophobic

atmosphere.

Now we must open the story out.

Give it a vista.

Give it air.

important part of the picture.

It should symbolize Mrs. Peel's descent into the realms of terror, her

confusion, her helpless efforts to escape.

supposed to win, Kirby?

Why didn't you tell her that?

Pink pages, Kirby. This will mean pink pages.

I will have to rewrite the script.

She will that away.

Don't worry. She can't escape.

It's time I started planning the climax of this picture.

The agonizing climax.

The real death of Emma Peel.

Doesn't flow.

And you, Kirby, lying there with eggs all over your face. She's an Amazon.

We will have to retake it. Retake it? Restate the whole thing, but this time,

you take care of her.

We'll make it the last desperate struggles, but to no avail.

She succumbs. She is captured. She is in our power.

And then we kill her.

Well, do work, my pets.

Find Emma Peel for me.

Find her for me. I'm not a stuntman.

Amore.

Well.

Oh, am I glad to see you.

Me, madam?

Why, this is a regular part of my patrol.

I suppose you have some authority for being here? None at all. I was

Oh, kidnapped.

Would that be one P or two, madam? Two. And a man has been murdered.

Murdered? Over here.

On one of the stages.

Come on.

Who is he?

I don't know.

A policeman?

I didn't cast a policeman.

Well, you've got one now.

Very well.

We'll write him into the script.

And then write him out again.

Permanently.

All right, don't touch him. I'll handle this.

For a start, I'll take a statement from you.

The only statement I've got to make is that the killer is around here somewhere

while you're wasting time. First things first.

Murder investigation.

Of course, you know, usually I get shot down and killed before I arrive at the

scene of the crime.

Pardon? Me?

Variably, I'm shot as we arrive.

Perhaps you see me?

No? Look.

Police car screams to a halt.

Eager policeman dashes out. Kill a poison in an upstairs room.

Bang!

Because normally I don't get... I don't get as

much screen time as that. Usually I have to fall straight down as soon as I'm

shot.

You're not a policeman.

Well, I am today.

Can't give it up, you see.

Yes, I must have played the policeman more than a hundred times back in the

days when the studios were flourishing.

Mind you, I never had as much dialogue as I had today.

Matter of fact, I never had any. Unless you can't... You're a film extra.

Film artiste, please.

Backbone of the industry.

Where would your Roman orgies be without your film artistes?

And what are you doing here?

Well, I sneaked in. I often sneak in, borrow my old costume, relive some of my

happy memories.

You won't give me away, will you? You got in through the wire?

Oh, yes, it was easy.

Then you can show me the way out.

Of course.

Well, let's go.

What's wrong with the main gate?

I've already told you, I was brought here.

Oh, yes, kidnapped.

No policeman in it, is there? Because if there's any policeman in it, I'm free.

In what?

Well, this film you're making.

Kidnapping. That's a crime. Crime means policeman. I'm available. Any policeman

who want it? I am not making a film.

Come on, now.

Take a look at him.

He's very good, I give him that.

Specializes in corpses, does he? He can't do anything else.

Of course, it pays to specialize.

And he is very good.

Take a closer look.

Very good.

Marvelous breathing control.

He isn't breathing.

That's right.

He's dead.

And if I'm making a film, where's the cameraman and the director?

Yes, that is very funny. It's not very funny. Come on, show me the way out.

Hiya, Riley.

You nearly had me fooled for a minute there.

Stuart Carby.

I didn't even know he was still making movies.

He isn't.

You've been riding me too long.

Lovely style.

If it ever comes back.

Pity.

This is curtains for you.

Cop. He means it.

What?

Lose my chance of doing a scene with Stuart Kirby, please.

All right, throw down that gun.

You make me.

Cop. Come on. This is your last chance.

That's for the wife and kids.

I'll meet you there.

Who are you?

It's life and death.

What to do?

What to do, what to do.

That is the question.

That is the question.

To be or not to be.

That is the question.

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of

fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles.

Stuart Kirby.

before. Stay away from Ma.

Can it be? Is it possible?

Edgar. Yes, Ma.

It's me.

Oh, my little Edgar. Oh, Ma. Was

it so awful? It was hell, Ma.

The noise, the people, those darn Yankees.

How you must have suffered, Edgar.

Yes, Ma.

Edgar, Ma.

So, Ma.

How's my baby sister being?

She's evil. I know that, Ma.

Should we be rid of her, Ma?

Yeah. I'll kill her for you, Ma.

They taught me, Ma.

Those darn Yankees, they taught me.

We are now leading up to the climax of the movie. The moment when the heroine

trapped and the diabolical archfiend...

reveals to her his terrifying purpose.

Mrs. Peel.

Mrs. Peel?

I am Zizi von Schnerk.

Director, writer, producer, scenarist, filmmaker extraordinary, and perpetrator

of this plot.

What do you say to that? We are just good friends.

A touch of humor.

Something the film was sadly lacking.

Excellent, Mrs. Peel.

Most commendable.

We are making a movie, Mrs. Peel.

And you are the star.

Unfortunately, it is a downbeat movie. And the heroine dies.

A tragedy, Mrs. Peel.

A drama that will place me forever amid the ranks of the immortal movie makers.

Confusion, desperation, fear, horror, death, and all of it authentic, filmed

exactly as it happened.

That's what they all say.

I needed a woman like you, Mrs. Peel. A woman of courage, of beauty, of

action.

A woman...

who could become desperate and yet remain strong.

A woman who could become confused yet remain intelligent.

A woman who could fight back and yet remain feminine.

You, and only you, Emma Peel, had all these qualifications.

Your reputation preceded you, and you have lived up to it.

I hope you die as bravely.

I will make you famous, Mrs. Peel.

I will make you a star.

Posthumously.

The destruction of Mrs.

Emma Peel.

Conceived by Zizi von Schnert.

Written by Zizi von Schnert.

Directed by Zizi von Schnert.

A Zizi von Schnert production.

Wow!

How do you like the set, Mrs. Peel?

Hmm?

I decided myself to blend with the characters.

It is symbolic of the horror, the final horror which awaits you.

You must do it.

Do it now.

Yes.

Experiment on living tissue.

She is beautiful.

Almost too beautiful.

Once I was beautiful.

That was a long time ago, Natasha.

And you know what you do to beautiful things.

You remember in the cellar at Zerbanhofen? This is no time to be

But she has wronged you.

Yes.

And I must be revenged.

Yes.

Yes. I will fetch you your knives and your sculpers. No.

That would be too crude for her.

Her deaths must have more... more...

Poetry, it will take time and yet be

inevitable.

What do you think of that, meine Liebchen?

I think I'm in danger of becoming a split personality.

Wait!

Split personality.

It's a great line. We'll keep it in. Action!

Oh, Herr Doctor, Herr Doctor, Herr Doctor. Listen to me, Natasha.

We will do it together.

We? Yes.

You said we? Yes, and we must be avenged. Oh, Herr Doctor.

You have given me the courage to realize that my work must go

on. Together.

Herr Doctor, I love you. I will go to the ends of the earth for you.

Yes.

Now. Now.

Now. Now. Now.

Now.

Now.

Now. Now.

Now.

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

That's fine. That comes last.

Once she throws that switch, the film is over. And we only get one chance at

that. But remember it.

First of all, I want you to have some coverage.

Gloating over your helpless victim.

Now, come on, my pets.

Gloat, eh? Gloat!

Gloat all you like.

But just remember, I'm the star of this picture.

Fine, my lovelies, fine.

Now, to the last scene.

And then the picture will be complete.

Where's the body?

What body?

The act I auditioned and you shot.

Oh, that fellow.

I'm leaving for the final sequence. Find him, find him.

Where is he?

He's on the other set. Follow me.

Yes, to meet him, dear.

End sequence, Mrs. Beale.

Now, I tell you what, you take his feet, Demita.

What? I cannot do it, Stuart. It is too heavy.

There is an old wheelchair somewhere around here.

Oh, is there?

Now, you take his umbrella, and help me with his hat, will you?

Yes, Stuart.

Goodbye, Mrs. Peel.

Magnificent.

Pack out the art houses.

You are not feeling the part, Mrs. Peel.

I have a feeling I will be feeling it.

Ah, music, Wendy, sir. I hate music.

Stop him, Kirby! Stop him!

Don't! This is no pop, my friend.

This is real.

This will mean a change of title to The Destruction of Peel and Steed.

Otherwise, did you enjoy the picture?

Oh, not bad. At least it had a happy ending.

But my favorite bit was the sequence where Kirby went...

Steve!

Steve!

What happened?

The chair was a real one.

Made up your mind?

Still looking.

Oh, here's one.

The film they said couldn't be made. The heart -searing story of an impossible

forbidden love.

What's it called?

I Was Napoleon's Nanny.

Assign you a six and a half?

I walked out of it three -eighths of the way through.

There's an old Stuart Kirby movie at the plaza.

Nights of abandon at the art.

The critic said it was unbridled, full of passions.

The screen explodes with sensuality, hailed as a masterpiece throughout the

world. It won a German award, it won a French award.

It closed yesterday.

Oh, dear.

Unbridled passions.

Why don't we just spend the evening at home?

Why not?

Let's get back to my apartment.