Original subtitles

Good evening, old chap. You're late.

We agreed 10 .30.

Indeed, we are late, old chap, and I do wish to extend my most abject apologies.

Never mind that.

This the man?

This is he, yes.

He tells me you have information to sell.

Important information.

What's the matter with him? Is he dumb or something? No, he's British.

Naturally, he couldn't dream of discussing business with you until he's

formally introduced.

Mr. Grosky, may I present Algernon Winch, Mr. Boris Grosky.

How do you do?

You British.

It'll be the death of me. Yes, exactly.

Intuitively.

Boris Groski.

You knew him?

We crossed swords quite a lot of times.

You mean he's not one of ours?

No, he's one of theirs.

One of their top agents.

That makes a change.

Yes, but it's embarrassing.

If he had been naughty, they might have had a good manners to have popped him

off in his own country.

He does with all the paperwork.

Apart from that, it's unethical.

It's just not cricket.

Let's hope they don't do it again.

Thank you.

Stanislaus Akadi.

Another one of them.

In charge of counter -espionage for the Eastern Seaboard. Do you think they're

having a purge? Well, if they are, I wish they'd... Do it in their own

You said that. It's unethical, just not cricket. You said that, too. We need a

drink. That you haven't said.

Two Eastern agents popped off in 24 hours. It's not like them.

Well, perhaps they're just going through an awkward phase.

Awkward phase or not, I don't approve of it.

Well, it literally diminishes the opposition.

That's our job, taking it on themselves, breaking all the rules. Shh. Keep

talking.

Oh. As I said before, it is a far, far better thing I do than I've ever done

before.

As the boy who stood on the burning deck said, to be or not to be, that is the

question, he just didn't know what he was talking about.

Steve. Rolling.

Hello.

Goodbye.

One, two, three.

Now you're here, why don't you stay for a drink?

You know him?

Ivan Pepitoporov. He's one of them. Second in command of their counter

-espionage. That's right, isn't it, Ivan? Or have they upgraded you?

I'm going to kill you.

Why on earth should you want to do that? I thought we were the best of enemies.

You don't know why. Because of Grotki.

Grotki? Grotki. And Arkady. And Arkady. And Arkady.

You didn't think you'd get away with this, did you? Get away with what?

I think that he thinks that... That I did it, that I killed Grosky. And

Mrs. Peel will vouch for it. I haven't killed anyone all week.

Then if not you, then who did? We thought you lot did.

Murder two of our own men.

We are getting our wires crossed.

Or double crossed.

My dear chap, you better take me to your leader.

The Colonel, it is impossible to infiltrate the horse guards in this

Our men don't have the necessary connections, and besides... Yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes. No, no, I have no wish to be recalled.

Yes, of course I know my duty.

Very well.

The horse guards will be infiltrated.

Perhaps with a horse.

Steed! Steed, my dear fellow! Hello, Natsky. What a delightful surprise. What

pleasure to see you again. I told you to kill him.

He had nothing to do with Grotsky's death.

Nor Akari.

He has convinced me.

You didn't.

Then perhaps one of your colleagues? I would have known.

But this is impossible.

I'm not doubting your word, my dear fellow, but if you didn't and we didn't,

then who?

A third party, someone opposed to both of us. For what purpose?

Self -interest, steal secrets, sell to the highest bidder. It makes sense,

Lutzky. A third party.

But this is scandalous, infamous.

What are we going to do?

Speed the jet.

We call it truce.

Someone's trying to drive a wedge between us. Well, we combine forces, you

I. Combine forces? Yes.

Work together. You and I.

Ed Cordes would never hear of it.

We already have.

I called them on the way here.

You went over my head. I considered the situation urgent.

Anyway, they're all for it. So it's Pax for the moment.

For the moment.

Well, this calls for a drink.

You won't say no, huh, Steve?

I won't say no.

This reminds me of the old days when I was young and gay. You remember Vienna?

Ah, Vienna.

The exploding tiny fish.

The poisoned toothpick.

And that big fellow, the sweet, tremendous sense of humor.

The day that he stepped into the lift. And you removed the bottom?

He laughed all the way down, 13 floors.

Tremendous sense of humor. Oh, a splendid chap. I carried a scar from his

still. Where did he get you?

In the Dardanelles.

Zamir. Zamir.

Well,

now, who are you going to send us?

What was your idea?

Combine our resources.

Now, I suggest... That we sent someone along to assist you, and you sent

along to assist Ivan.

A hostage?

An act of faith.

You can provide someone.

Yes, I can provide someone. And you?

Your name, my dear?

Olga Savonovich Negreskin -Kavalovsky.

Comrade Nutski.

Relax, my dear.

Thank you, Comrade Nutski. Let us dispense with the formality, please.

My friends call me Nutty.

We have a little task for you. A chance to serve the glorious motherland?

Better and better. You're quite right, my dear. I'm ready.

I will fight to the last man, figuratively speaking.

Excellent, excellent.

What do you want me to do?

Well, there is this Englishman by the name of Steve. You want me to

kill him?

You hear that?

Kill him.

And they say that today there is no moral fiber among the younger

No, my dear.

You will not be necessary to kill Steve.

Not yet, anyway.

You will work with him. With him? You mean, fraternize?

Infiltrate would be more apt. Gain his confidence. And then kill him.

I don't understand.

Two of our countrymen have been murdered.

We must find the killers before they strike again.

Of course it's a serious business to be treated seriously.

And we will.

Murder number three?

Name of Zorik.

One of theirs?

One of yours.

After all, you're one of them now. How I envy you working cheek by jowl with

Ivan. I can assure you my cheek's going to be nowhere near his jowl.

That'll be them.

I introduce Olga Zvonovich Negretitskinka -Volovsky.

John Steed. Comrade Steed.

How do you do?

It is, as I expected, opulent, luxurious, expensive, and thoroughly

decadent. Well, Steed, we have kept our part of the bargain.

Oh, yes.

You haven't met Mrs. Peel.

She is your choice.

I am my choice.

Couldn't keep her away from it.

It will be a pleasure working with you, Mrs. Peel. It will be a change.

Well, then, shall we... For one minute, information concerning the dead man. I

have to start somewhere.

Groski had only been 24 hours in the country. During that time, he made only

call at this address. I suggest you try there first.

Goodbye, Pete.

This is Irish.

Oh.

May I call you Olga?

Comrade Wolofsky, informality breeds undiscipline. You are absolutely right.

Will you have a drink? Hard liquors soften the brain tissues.

Oh, well, I don't think a cigarette will soften the brain tissues. We should

understand one another, comrade.

When I heard of this assignment, my first impulse was to kill you.

Oh, dear.

But the glorious motherland says I am to work with you. And mother's always

right. We are waiting the time. Now we should start work immediately.

I am ready.

What is this place?

I don't know.

It was one of the several addresses Groski called at the day he died. One of

several? But you told Steve... Well, I like to keep something in reserve.

I thought we had a truce. Indeed.

But a little cheating is expected.

On book five.

How did Grotsky go that day?

Here.

The address I give. Steed, a place in Chelsea.

Right. Who's first?

The lady was first.

Good afternoon, Miss, um... Oh, Mrs.

Peel. Oh, Mrs. Peel, yes.

Um, Hubert Merriweather at your service.

Well, Mrs. Peel.

What can we do for you?

What seems to be the trouble.

Trouble?

Ah, trouble.

It's the same as Groski's.

Groski? He recommended that I came to you.

He said you did miracles for him.

I don't recall a patient of that name.

Do you, Mr. Merriweather?

No, no, I can't say I do.

Perhaps if we just checked up on her.

We might discover something to our advantage. We might find her Achilles'

You just take your shoes off, please.

And lie down.

Just lie here, Mrs. Peel.

We'll soon find what's troubling you.

A bothersome bunion, a cruel corn.

Your feet are now in my hands, Mrs. Peel.

My feet? Well, naturally. Why else would you consult a chiropodist?

Now, me, old boy.

Thank you.

So sorry.

Your feet are in excellent condition, Mrs. Peel. There was really no need to

consult me.

It's a great comfort to hear you say that.

How much do I owe you? There's no charge for consultation.

I see.

Well, thank you.

I must have made a mistake, then. Now, by Grotsky coming here.

That's right, Mrs. Peel. You made a mistake.

I have a shrewd suspicion that... Yvonne?

Yvonne?

Number 10, this is the place.

J. Nathan Winters. What do we do now?

Grosky paid a visit here, right?

Right. So we interrogate Mr. Winters, right?

Right.

Wrong. A subtlety comrade.

At all costs.

Testing the new Mark IV.

Dense, natty umbrella.

Note the ebonized shaft.

Tempered steel pedule. Chinese proof silk stretched over an all -metal frame.

Easy action.

Light on the shoulder went up. Alternatively, nice, jaunty swagger went

And all subjected to my final rigorous test.

Force IX downfall.

Each and every one of these umbrellas has been rained on from a great height.

Winters. Jay, Nathan Winters. Can I help you? Tell us all you know about...

Umbrellas. I'm thinking of changing my style.

All I know about umbrellas?

That would take some time, say years even.

Perhaps I could begin by examining the existing model.

Well, sir, I may be losing business by it, but I don't think you're going to

better this model.

Absolutely reliable.

Nice balance.

Loose fit.

What I'm really interested in is the handle.

Ah.

Ah.

think so. I'd like the same as Mr. Groski.

Uh, Groski.

Pleased to check your record.

Check my... Yes, that's it. Check my records.

Check my records. I'll go and check my records.

Now what?

You search that side. I'll search the other. Very subtle.

How goes it, comrade?

I'm enmeshed in wet weather gear.

I told you.

We should have used my method.

We could have made him talk.

Comrade?

my rickles thoroughly, sir, and I can't find any trace of Grosky at all. What a

shame.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. Will you come this way? It's all waiting for you.

Down the end there, round the corner.

Treat it gently, won't you?

I suppose I couldn't interest you in the Mark V.

Well, I don't think so. It does have a crocodile handle, and it is... Utterly

reliable. Good.

And they come in two models.

Oh. Town and country.

I'll take a dozen.

A dozen?

Assorted handles.

Hope it keeps wet for you.

Bye.

You've got to follow that packing case. Why?

Because Ivan's body's inside it. What do you mean you've

lost Ivan? I did not lose him. He walked out on me. My men are hand -picked and

dedicated, Mrs. Peel.

They do not walk out.

I suspect foul play or some treachery from Steve. What about your treachery?

didn't tell me about the chiropodist, remember?

A mere detail.

Well, whatever else, I can assure you Steed will keep his word.

Touching loyalty.

It's plain common sense. Steed will keep his part of the bargain.

In that case, you will have no hesitation in keeping yours.

You will remain here until Ivan is found.

I have your word?

You have my word.

I will go and make a few inquiries.

Are you sure that you want... You have my word.

And I trust you.

Trust everyone.

But before he deals, cut the cards.

An old saying from the old country.

But a little cheating is expected.

All right, gentlemen, get assembled, if you please.

Ain't two lines, gentlemen, two umbrella lengths apart.

Now, come along, gentlemen. Look like this.

Are we ready, then?

Good.

Well, today, gentlemen, we will see what we know about the hailing of the

taxicab. Now, our first task is to see that we stand out from the hurly -burly

of the meals.

Presence. Presence, gentlemen.

Are we all comfortable?

Good. Then we are ready to hail our taxicab.

Now first, the eye must seek out its objective. Then fix.

Fix our taxicab with a steady eye.

Judge its speed of approach.

Assess competitors nearby.

And one.

Two, three, hail!

With me, gentlemen.

One, two, three, hail!

One, two, three, hail! Get your shoulders back, Mr. Jones.

Mr.

Watkins.

We are waggling, Mr. Watkins. We are waggling when we should be thrusting.

had to talk to you about our waggling before.

Up and up!

That's better.

Much better.

Mr. Jones, carry on with the next exercise.

Good afternoon, sir, madam.

Tarquin Ponsonby Frye, at your service. How do you do? John Steen.

May I introduce comrade Miss Volofsky.

Superb. Utterly superb, sir.

Your manner, sir, the way you doffed your bowler, the pure economy of

the sheer elegance of stance.

Oh, forgive me, sir. Allow me to welcome you to Snob.

And you too, madam. Snob.

What is snob?

A training center, madam. It is, if you will forgive the pun, a breeding ground

for young gentlemen. And where do they breed?

As you can see, we change mere man into gentle man.

We endeavor to endow them with some of those qualities which some of us were

lucky enough to be born with.

Hey, Mr. Teed. Do you have much success?

I try, and if I only partially succeed, I feel I've made some small

contribution. Half an oaf is better than low bread, eh?

You seem to be so very witty.

But now, sir, what brings you here? Obviously, you have no need of my

I'm trying to trace a friend.

Is he a pupil here? In some way, bourgeois as this. It is eminently

In that case, his name will be on the records.

In the office, sir, this way.

Madam.

After you, comrade.

And now, sir, the name of your friend.

Groski.

I certainly don't have to look that up.

You know him?

Oh, definitely not. There's no one of that name on our list. But you haven't

checked?

I don't have to. I'm familiar with all my pupils, Mr. Steve.

Groski. I should certainly remember a name like that. Certainly.

No, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't help you. Oh, dear. What a pity.

Oops!

I'm most extremely sorry. That's very clumsy of me.

Quite a collection.

I believe in starting my young gentleman off right.

And as you know, Mr. Steed, a young gentleman is naked without his umbrella.

A fine selection.

I'm very sorry to have taken up so much of your time. Oh, it's my pleasure, sir.

Do pop in again sometime.

Doubt this, comrade, and I will sometime.

Goodbye.

Ogre, my dear?

Go along with Steed until he is dispensable.

And then dispense with him.

And what about me and Mrs.

Peel?

She doesn't learn too much. Keep her occupied.

Forgive her the runaround.

But, Mrs. Beale!

Just giving you the runaround, comrade.

You promised!

You didn't even begin to keep your side of the bargain.

There's a saying in my country.

If you want to feel safe, keep your combinations to yourself.

First there is Ivan's body, then nobody.

This subtle approach.

If we had used my method... Foraged on, leaving no stone unturned, overlooking

not a single clue, overlooking nothing.

Oh.

Overlooked something?

The crate.

The one we followed, the one with Ivan's body. It was addressed to Snob, no?

Yes. Well, the one I looked into had a different address on it.

What address?

H.

Meriwether Chiropedist.

Now, what... would a chiropodist want with a case full of embryos?

Large tweezers, please.

Right. That's the lot, I think.

Why shouldn't you tell them all, Mr. Merriweather? There's no need for that.

can guarantee they all transmit and receive for up to 100 miles.

And anyway, I'm tired.

Halt.

Gun.

For goodness sake, I've just... finished one batch.

Look, enough's enough. I've had it.

I've yet to have it. It's quite a different problem. Nothing to do with

instrument installation at all.

More matter of disposal.

See what I mean?

Oh, no.

My dear fellow, our splendid boss says yes. Yes, you see, we've been carting

poor Ivan around from place to place all day.

Now he's yours. Back to square one, the scene of the crime.

That's the place we popped him off in the first place. I don't want to get

involved. Look, I agreed to help you with the equipment. Nothing like this.

I'm afraid that we beg to differ.

Percy is fearfully right, you know.

Hilda.

They're in the training center today.

The back way.

If we can get a phone.

You utterly sure of your facts, Hilda?

Quite sure.

You know what to do, old boy.

Of course he knows.

All you have to do is ask a few subtle questions and wait for a reaction.

Subtle questions?

Next.

It's the young lady. We were in the middle of a foxtrot. She turned to make

four -point... This way, please.

Over here.

To put it subtly, I was told to come here by a friend.

Will you take your shoes off, please?

This friend's name was Gruski.

Comrade Gruski.

How very interesting.

No, no, I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's your job.

There's no room in this organisation for weaklings.

Hello, comrade.

Where's Nutsky? I've handed in my notice. The other side was cheating.

Nutsky had no intention of seriously honouring the truce.

I'm not surprised. I never thought he would. Apart from that, if I was

disappeared. Ivan's dead.

And Olga from the Volga?

In there, having her pedicure.

Somebody's put a spoke in.

And where is Olga?

That's a good question.

You're no good to struggle, Miss Belovsky.

We've secured you with old -school ties, and the bonds of the old -school tie

are well -nigh impossible to break.

Did you call the boss?

Yes, we're to move her.

Again? But it was dangerous enough bringing her here.

Those were his orders.

We'd better get some help.

Don't you think you'd better crate her up first?

This place is all washed up anyway.

We shan't be using it any more.

I sent her in alone. If anything's happened to her... Dee, she was a very

experienced agent, and she was perfectly prepared to kill you if necessary.

That's a matter for conjecture. The point is, here we are sitting quite

Poor Olga and Ivan. Yes, it looks as though we backed down.

Did you get anything out of Ivan?

Well, he talked a lot about Groski.

I think Groski was here on a very special assignment. Yeah, he's probably

the same man we are, the third party.

Did he tell you anything else?

Something about an address in Chelsea.

Chelsea? Well, that's where Snob is.

Snob? The finishing school for young gentlemen, of course.

They did it to Ivan, they'll do it to Olga. Do what to Olga?

Pop her into an umbrella crate.

Furled or unfurled? Go to Nutsky, tell him to be at snob headquarters within

hour. Are you sure you can trust him? No, but I mean to use him.

Here's the address.

See you there.

Treat it gently. Remember, we're dealing with a member of the weaker sex.

All together now.

Lift.

Forward.

One.

We will now master the short, sharp stab in the back.

Now, grasping the umbrella a little lower down and keep... Oh, well.

Take that to my office, gentlemen.

Now, as I was saying, grasping the umbrella a little lower down and keeping

close eye on our adversary, we creep nearer.

Creep creep

like someone who has been tied up and dumped in a box.

Oops. I don't know how to knife. Oh,

they've taken my fur coat.

What is it?

It's my old school tie.

Oh, well.

How did you get in here?

I hate to tell you, but... The subtle approach.

Not bad for a decadent capitalist, eh?

The next part will be most interesting.

Vanguard!

Advance!

Lunge! No, no, no, Mr. Wilson.

We're not prodding a balloon. We're killing the enemy.

How do you settle your way past that?

What is holding us up?

I cannot make a move without express orders from headquarters.

My hands are tied.

But Dean is a snob. He needs help.

I know. My heart bleeds for him. Bleeds for him.

But I cannot move without orders. Well, I can.

I'll see you there.

And hurry.

Please, speed it up. We haven't got all day. Come on. Hurry up. Into line. Hurry

up, please.

Nutski's not going to turn up, is he?

He has been delayed by your ally.

We've got to get out of here.

We will fight to the death.

I sincerely hope not.

Right now, gentlemen.

We are ready to proceed to more serious things.

Deadly combat, eh?

With, uh...

I'm Gaudi Blatt.

As soon as they get started, I'll head for the light switches.

That's more like it. We will have action.

I got us action.

Now, you make straight for the door. Keep going. Whatever happens, don't stop

for me. But... Don't stop for me.

That's an order. Think of the glorious motherland or something.

Taylor!

And now, gentlemen, it is your turn.

But first of all, to put us in the right frame of mind, let us return to our

enemy identification boards.

All right, gentlemen.

Gather round me and pay attention.

Won't be long now.

Now, we must always remember the motto of our organization.

Seek, hate, kill.

Seek, hate, kill.

Seek, hate, kill.

Seek, hate, kill. Look what I say.

That chap's here.

He went into the office.

Ready? Yes.

Now, when you hear the clash of their blades, you will be in great danger.

Some. In that case, I should like you to know that despite your peculiar

methods, I've come to admire you.

A little.

Thank you very much, comrade.

Is something wrong?

Oh! Good evening.

I'm so sorry. I'm forgetting my manners.

Oh, splendid, sir, splendid.

You note, gentlemen, the correct way of doing everything, even in defeat.

Allow me, Madam Comrade.

Beautifully done.

I can handle the situation now. We mustn't allow this little intrusion to

interfere with our studies.

Well, come along, gentlemen. Take up your places.

Form two ranks this time.

Now, please, do make yourselves comfortable.

That's extraordinarily good of you.

Now, form two ranks this time.

Choose your enemy.

Stand up straight, Wilkins.

Now, grasp your blades firmly and quite still.

Come along, quickly, quickly.

Jump, do it!

Haven't got all day.

Quite so.

Straighten your back, Wilson.

Now, are we ready?

Open order!

Why don't they kill us?

What are they waiting for?

For the boss to arrive.

Oh, you really are very astute, Mr. Steed. Oh, no. Just an educated guess.

Surely there is something subtle you can do.

I'm giving it a certain amount of subtle thought.

Get rid of the people. We don't want witnesses.

Right, sir.

Oh, comrade.

En garde.

Right side.

Extend your arms.

Lunge.

Percival. Sir.

Algernon. Sir. You may dismiss the class for today.

My class dismiss.

I'm sorry for the delay, sir, but they'll all be gone in about five

Excellent, excellent. Traitor! Bourgeois betrayer!

Relax, my dear.

Well, Steve, what do you think of my little setup?

A highly trained force.

And they get better every day.

Trained, as you so aptly put it, to steal secrets, sell to the highest

Ingenious. Ah, but this is only the beginning.

Soon I will have a trained force in every capital city of the world.

And then a third world power will emerge. We will grow in strength. We

grind our enemies under our heel until there is one world power, the state of

Natskiville.

My initiative surprises you? Not at all, I guessed it. Huh? Groski was sent over

here to investigate you, eh?

You always wear a... Cunning old fox.

But, uh, why do you send for me? I need confirmation you provided it.

But, uh, Mrs. Peel said... Where is she, anyhow?

Sir?

Mrs. Peel, the other woman.

There was no other woman, sir. But she is here somewhere.

Go find her.

Oh, God.

Well thrown, comrade.

Thank you. You must have some Slavic blood.

No. British through and through.

But you won't hold that against her, will you? I think this calls for a

celebration drink.

Hard liquor softens the brain tissues.

Vodka from the glorious motherland.

Lead on, comrade.

Good morning, Mrs. Peel.

Good morning, Steve.

Present from Olga. Like it?

Very cozy.

And practical, too. She says that it keeps the brain at an even temperature

an even brain as a cool brain.

And what did you give her?

A reassessment of the decadent English male. Coffee?

I think lemon tea would be more appropriate.

I've been embraced to the bosom of the glorious motherland.

figuratively speaking.

Do you mean 36, 24, 36, or a more sort of cultural exchange?

Olga is a very charming girl once you get to know her.

Poised, witty, feminine, proudly dependable, terribly efficient.

Did you know that not only is she an accomplished bricklayer, but she can

every party manifesto since 1922?

And she did?

Of course, twice.

I can see she filled a big gap in your education.

Did you know that 25 % of the electrical engineers in her country are women?

75 % of the garbage disposal workers are women? 5 % of the male athletes are

drawn from the armed services?

I should have guessed.

The evening was heavily instructive.

But lacking... A certain bourgeois, capitalistic, decadent touch.