Original subtitles

Richard Meadows found at Wembley Stadium in his pyjamas.

Maybe his sleepwalk.

Some walk.

He resides in Birmingham. Now, that's a hundred and... Thirteen miles away. So

he went to bed in Birmingham.

And woke up in Wembley.

He's deranged. A complete mental wreck.

What did he do?

He runs English Earthenware. Now, that's one of our top dollar owners. But it

won't run without him.

That could be the trouble.

The pressure's a big business. He wouldn't be the first.

How right you are, Mrs Peel. He isn't the first.

John Tyler found on top of a mountain.

In his pyjamas.

And dressing gown.

David Wallace found on a raft in the English Channel.

In his bathing suit.

Dinner jacket and cummerbund.

It's the same old pattern. His name is Fox.

Went berserk in a gymnasium.

Scared out of his wits. By what?

A mouse.

A mouse?

Been known to stampede a whole development.

Martin Fox, director of Fox, White and Croy.

They make clothes and shine.

Meadows ran English earthenware. Right.

And Tyler's company produces... Pottery. And wallet.

The same line, ceramics.

It is the same old pattern.

Almost. They ran one man, confirmed.

Fox has two fellow directors.

Mr. White and... Mr. Crawley.

Yes? I'm Crawley.

Shocks, White and Crawley, North China. How do you do?

Your name is?

Teed. John Teed, CPC.

The Central Productivity Council.

Oh, sorry to have kept you.

Some darn chap dropped in from some market research firm asking a lot of

pointless questions. Upset the entire morning. I'll be brief, Mr. Crawley. If

are to compete in world markets, we must reduce wastage, eliminate bottlenecks,

increase productivity.

The Prime Minister agrees with me. Now, if you have any problems... Oh, we've

got a problem, all right.

I just lost one of our directors, Fox.

Managerial dispute?

Sudden breakdown.

Extraordinary. No indication.

Yesterday he was his righteous reign.

Will it affect production?

Of course.

Fox was the expert in fine glazing. Very difficult to replace.

Excuse me, Mr. Steed, my secretary.

Yes? Your car has arrived, Mr. Crawley. I'll be right down.

You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Steed. I have an urgent appointment. I must find

replacement for Fox.

Mr. Steve's Central Productivity Council.

You know, you were late.

I wanted to go through these figures.

Not held up, some chap from market research.

Oh, you too.

I couldn't see him, so he left a questionnaire.

There's been some trouble at the kiln. What's wrong?

I wouldn't know. That was Fox's territory.

It needs an expert's eye.

Let's hope we can find one.

Oh, thank you.

Williams!

Mrs. Peel?

Found something?

Magnificent, isn't it?

Aluminium, eight -cylinder, twin exhaust.

7 ,000 cc, nine -to -one compression ratio.

220 miles an hour at least, wouldn't you say? I would, judging by those skid

marks.

Really? Well, they run for at least 80 yards. Take a look.

Steed?

Steed? In here, Mrs. Peel.

X marks the spot.

Crawley? Found right here. Shattered, broken, and witless. Indian or China?

Coffee.

Coffee it is.

Well, with Fox, Meadow, and Crawley gone.

That leaves Mr.

White one lump or two.

Hmm?

A clue?

An offer.

It's only called Jeremy Raven.

An offer of what?

Rising costs would suggest a merger of the following companies.

A merger?

Of which companies?

Those controlled by Richard Meadows.

Oh, he was the one found in a football stadium.

John Tyler.

On top of the mountain.

David Wallace.

On a raft in the middle of the channel.

And Fock, White and Crawley.

Just a moment.

I await your reply with interest, Jeremy Raven, director of British Porcelain.

Jeremy Raven.

It would be very interesting to discover just what Crawley's reply was.

Well, it's probably in the files of Fox, White and Crawley.

Now,

what did I do with the questionnaire?

Somewhere.

Ah, yes. Here we are.

I hope that's all right.

You haven't completed section 12.

Oh, haven't I?

Oh, yes, I see.

Do you dislike animals?

That's an odd question.

Well, I don't dislike them all, but I do have an aversion to...

Oh, blast. My pen's run out of ink.

Try mine.

Thank you.

These questions on my childhood, are they relevant?

Well, if they weren't, they wouldn't be there.

All right.

You market research people certainly probe, don't you?

Did you hear something?

No.

I'll just check.

White's questionnaire duly completed.

Thank you, Gilbert.

As president of a business efficiency bureau, I abhor complacency.

But a well -chosen compliment stimulates enthusiasm.

Congratulations, Dr. Voss. Your diagnosis of Crawley was excellent.

I receive an excellent remuneration, Mr. Pemberton.

You too, Gilbert, for dispatching Crawley with such speed.

I enjoyed the drive.

I gather he didn't trifle carsick.

Into the dead file.

Now, to our Mr... White. He's a junior director of Fox, White and Crawley.

Your conclusions, Gilbert?

Oh, very unstable character.

Ideal for our purposes.

As you can see, his father was an ornithologist.

I see.

Doctor?

Hmm. White looks most promising.

Infantile hand.

Regressive personality.

And these replies indicate a very definite panic area.

Then confirm it at once.

I want White disposed of immediately.

You found out nothing?

Oh, nothing in the files of Fox, White and Crawley. Not even the courtesy of a

reply. Well, that won't please Raven. He wanted to set up a monopoly.

I should think it positively displeased him.

Well, I must go and don a new disguise, and you keep an eye on White.

And you cast an eye over Raven.

I tend to.

Ah, lesser build, white -throated, crimson nighthawk. Charming, quite

Not quite charming enough, Mr. Steed.

I can't stand the slightest flaw.

For Jolica, alkaline glaze.

Exquisite. But I aim at unparalleled excellence.

Well, Mr.

Raven, I am... Jeremy, please.

Since I took over, I personally inspect every piece. May I say that you're

extremely young to run a place of this size.

Youth at the helm and all that.

Oh, I don't deny I've inherited a great tradition.

Although some pretty archaic methods.

But we'll soon change all that. Oh, yes, indeed.

Do you know my motto?

Do tell.

Creation by automation.

A classic piece in every home.

Here.

Now then, you name it, I'll make it.

Grecian urn, Corinthian vase, Minoan jar.

What do you prefer, Chinese?

Florentine?

Persian?

Very well, stand clear.

Still in the experimental stage.

Before long, we shall cover the entire field of ceramics, capture world

Which brings me to the point of my visit.

Now, if you would, Mr. Raven.

Jeremy.

Monopolis Commission?

I'm just a minor official.

Well, you're certainly monopolizing my time, Mr. Steed.

Oh, please carry on.

It's about this letter you sent, suggesting the formation of United

Oh, darn good idea, don't you think?

Pool knowledge, reduce overheads, cut costs, and what's the result?

New corner of the market.

True, true. Have fun. The customer gets the best at the cheapest price.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, you've had a wasted journey, Mr. Steed.

My offer was rejected by one and all.

Oh? There's a dunderhead.

No more foresight than that darn thing.

That's very decorative.

You'd say everyone turned down your offer to merge?

They did indeed, Fox, White and Crawley.

Unanimously. Excuse me.

There's old diehards.

They said modernization would ruin craftsmanship.

Well, has it?

I ask you, has it?

I agree.

Ah, Mr. Tate.

That's perfection.

As I said in the experimental stage.

Well, your sails are certainly rocketing.

Oh, new promotion techniques.

The only way to survive.

Otherwise, you assume four by the wayside. A few of your competitors

have. Well, it's a highly competitive business.

Show the slightest weakness and you crack.

A simple matter of elimination.

Elimination? To coin a phrase.

The secret is to survive, Mr. Steed.

You seem to have found it, Jeremy.

Indeed, I have.

Well?

We have the key to White's destruction.

A feather. A solitary feather.

An empty birdcage and one Mr. White.

Extremely dead.

He fell out of the window?

Threw it, actually.

Fell, pushed, or jumped.

Or maybe he suffered from a delusion.

Maybe he thought he was a bird.

Perked up, screened himself, slapped his arms, and... Maybe he was migrating

south. Well, that's one feather we can't put in our caps.

Somebody else was there.

Who? In Mr. White's office.

Somebody tipped a display cabinet on me. Half a ton of trannoy came hurtling

down. Quite unnerving.

I can imagine how you felt.

How did you get on with Jeremy Raven?

I'm not sure. He seemed genuine enough.

Seemed?

Well, the proof is in the pushing.

I've got to get him off balance, agitated.

I think I must start putting some pressure on Mr. Raven.

I'm a patient thought of Champede, but one more question and I shall throw you

out. You mean you'll try to throw me out?

Now, look, if I bagged most of the market, it's merely the fruits of

They seem to have ripened rather quickly.

Well, you know what they say. Fresh soil brings an early harvest.

I've given the old firm a facelift, that's all.

Oh, I see we're still sceptical.

Very well.

It's handy.

Thank you.

Well, I have a license for it.

I was after that brochure. If you don't mind, I'll go after it.

I saw their ad and called them in.

Efficiency is hardly a crime.

Depends how it's applied.

Well, you know the sort of thing they do. They study the market, observe

competitors.

Examine statistics. I've been doing a little of that, too.

Out of your seven main competitors, six have been driven out of their minds, and

the seventh fell through a plate glass window.

I don't... Eliminate your competitors, didn't you say?

You've certainly done that, Jeremy.

But if one of those six men recovers, maybe we'll learn just how.

And then...

Ah, Mr Raven, your phone call was somewhat irate. What's troubling you? Do

need to tell you? No conundrums, please.

Do be seated, Mr Raven.

I'd better come straight to the point. Would you?

A direct approach is the essence of good management.

Well, Mr. Raven, you have our undivided attention.

Look, I engaged you to study the market and improve the firm's efficiency.

Well, from your sales figures, I'd say we'd succeeded admirably.

Your profits have thawed. It's not the profits I'm here about.

Please sit down, Mr. Raven.

It's your methods.

Our methods?

Oh, you know what I mean.

I've been to the hospital. I've seen Fox and the others.

But we were merely carrying out your instructions, Mr. Raven. What?

I never asked you to... Didn't you?

That's a short memory you have.

Great handicap for a young executive.

You haven't forgotten our first interview, surely?

You wish to employ us to what end, Mr. Raven?

To increase my share of the market. To eliminate competition.

You're very ruthless, Mr. Raven.

One has to be.

You have a free hand. I leave it to you.

Blow them all up if you have to.

But I didn't mean that literally.

Then how did you mean it?

You wanted your competitors eliminated.

We have carried out your instructions.

And now we trust you'll honour your part of the bargain.

Your cheque.

Most gratifying.

It's the last you'll get.

We shall see you as usual on the 1st.

Oh, and should you consider criticizing our methods any further, how would you

explain this?

We have the assurance of your continued patronage?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Good.

Well, you know your way out, Mr. Raven.

He lied to the last question.

Give me Raven 5.

Mr. Steed. Your call is being answered by a recording device.

Kindly dictate your message in three seconds from now.

This is Jeremy Raven.

I must see you, Steed.

I'm at the factory. Can you call? It's very urgent.

It's bad.

I did warn you about Raven.

Ruthless in business, but has a strong moral sense.

You'll talk. I promise you.

Did he?

Time we stopped trading with young Mr. Raven.

His questionnaire?

Already programmed.

And?

Thank you.

Ah! Ah!

Efficiency Bureau, offering a unique means of building your business up by

knocking your opponent down.

Bring science and psychology into the battle for bigger and better profits.

Steve, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

Practicing my high -powered tycoon look.

Now, Crawley filled in the questionnaire form, right?

Right. Crawley is now, and then White, and then Raven.

And before that, Tyler Wallace.

Meadows and Fox.

Right? Right.

The conclusion is obvious.

The BEB is involved.

Right? Right.

And they only deal with the best business people.

And I, Mrs. Peel, am the best business people.

And what time is your first appointment, sir?

11 o 'clock with Mr. Pemberton of the BEB. Right?

Right on the dot. I like that.

Punctuality is the prime rule of efficiency.

The business, Mr. Seed.

Your

business,

Mr. Seed?

Travel. I run a group of agencies.

Your gross turnover?

The hundred thousand mark.

But there's room for expansion.

I'm sure.

But you feel cramped by competition.

No, thank you.

Stifled. Then we must revive your markets.

Allow you to breathe more freely.

But how?

Like any game, by exploiting the weaknesses of your opponents.

That's a thought.

More than a thought, Mr. Seed.

It's a reality.

Besides my own extensive experience, you'll be buying the services of two

brilliant psychologists.

Mr. Gilbert.

How do you do?

And Dr. Voss.

How do you do?

With modern psychiatric techniques, we study your competitors.

Probe their entire histories.

Pinpoint their deficiencies.

Their defects.

Their flaws.

And then... Pierce the chink in their armor.

Nicely put, Mr. Steve.

And the cost of this service?

50 % of your increased profit.

Modest, I think you'll agree.

I agree.

We'll need a list of your competitors.

Well, there's only one in the area that I operate.

The name?

Mrs. Peel.

Mrs. Emma Peel.

Raven's improving. He has moments of sanity. We'd better hurry. They don't

very long.

Our methods will delight you, Mr. Teeth.

It's results I want.

They're guaranteed

What's

wrong he lied to

every question Follow him

Tide. Another elapse.

How'd you fare at the Bureau?

They took me on.

But they seem more interested in my competitor, so I produced one.

Who? You.

We're in the travel business. I provide luxurious igloos in Iceland.

Complete with a deep freeze.

Bare skin rise.

And hot and cold running Eskimos.

Why not? That's quite an idea.

And where do I operate?

From your flat.

Very convenient.

But if you want my opinion... I'd love it, but we have to observe the

priorities.

Pemberton, Steed's at the hospital.

I don't like it.

Boss was right.

Deal with him.

Raven?

What happened last night?

You called me. Why?

Take it away. Please, please, please. Take it away. No, no, no.

Please, please.

Spider? Raven went berserk when he saw it.

Arachnophobia, so that's the trouble.

Eh? I dread of spiders.

There are hundreds of repressed fears and phobias, but without a complete

history, difficult to diagnose.

Even the patient might be unaware of it.

There's a fear of mice, isn't there?

Pretty common.

And speed?

I've known cases.

And the more usual, like being shut in, claustrophobia.

Fear of open spaces, agoraphobia.

With a fear like that, how would a man react if he woke up in a vast open

say, Wembley Stadium?

It'd be like removing a foundation.

He'd crack, disintegrate.

you

I rang for Gilbert.

He hasn't reported back.

He's always punctual.

I'm well acquainted with Gilbert's virtues.

This woman Teed mentioned, Mrs. Peel.

She may supply the answer.

What a strange set of questions from market research.

They're extremely revealing, I assure you. I was sure I'd be asked what kind

detergent I used.

There, I think that's it.

Any more questions?

Just one, yes.

You won't be troublesome, will you?

So trouble's your business, Mrs. Beale.

Well, it's so broadening.

And your main competitor is John Steed.

I have no competitors.

But you and Steed are in the same line of business.

Yes, I suppose you could say that.

But it has nothing to do with travel, has it?

Are you asking me or telling me?

I'm showing you.

That chair, it's an advanced form of lie detector, records the slightest

variations of pulse, respiration, blood pressure, and... I know.

It goes around and around, and it all comes out there.

We are not playing, Mrs. Peel. The stakes are too high.

Now, how much does Steve know?

Well, I'd say he had a pretty high IQ.

Questionnaire.

Some interesting answers.

Eight out of ten?

Eight and a half?

Nine? I'd rate you higher than that, Mrs. Peel, much higher.

But we don't tout for accuracy.

What we sell are hidden truths.

Our territory is the mind.

Our merchandise is fear.

The inner fabric of us all, Mrs. Pugh.

The dark balloon we try to hide.

Prick it and... Well, you'll see.

What it?

What it says.

She has a high fear index.

We'll need to probe further.

There isn't time.

You're extremely well adjusted, Mrs. Peel.

And just look where it's got me.

Remarkable. A woman without fear.

Oh, I have my fears.

Don't you?

But I've learned to live with them.

All of them, Mrs. Peel.

The universal fear.

The ultimate in horror.

Pain, Mrs. Peel.

Pain.

Pemberton.

Forever an open hand.

I rarely see Clarence without an appointment.

But your privilege, Mr. Steed.

So I see.

Over there.

And, uh... You see, Mrs. Beale, fear of death makes a man obey. His very

presence here demonstrates his fear for you.

And you, Pemberton, what about you? The fear of discovery, perhaps.

That's one that need no longer concern me.

Maybe you have another pet fear.

Let's have a guess, shall we?

Doctor! Imagine the liking!

Oh, so afraid of the dark, eh?

Can I offer you a light?

How very obliging of you, Mr. Thief.

Thief!

Thief!

No need to shout, Mrs. Peel.

Didn't think I'd get here in time, did you?

The thought never entered my head.

Never, Mrs. Dale?

Never.

Completely safe.

Lights on.

Curtains drawn against the bird.

No spiders.

Not a mouse in sight.

They're not afraid of mice.

Chocolate.

You're not writing the chocolate, surely?

They really are chocolate.

Naturally. For service is rendered.

Now, where do we keep the champagne?

I run out.

Not a drop in the play.

What?

Now, that really frightened you, didn't it?