Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Phone for a doctor.

Ronnie?

Mustn't let it leak out.

Top security.

Finished, anyway.

No doctor.

Steve, listen carefully.

George Reed and myself stumbled on something big.

Important.

Dry. Mouth's dry.

You and George stumbled onto something.

Ronnie... Full story. Full report.

George's room.

Evident. Where is George?

Dead. George's dead.

Who did this, Ronnie? Who was it?

Jeannie.

Jeannie? Who's Jeannie? Who is she?

Honey.

Ronnie Westcott, one of the best undercover men in the business.

Jeannie.

A woman called Jeannie.

A good -looking woman.

He said, honey.

Bring Colonel Robertson. Tell him what happened.

Arrange to have the body taken away.

Where will you be?

He said there was a full report in George's room.

I'll collect it.

George Reed.

Mm -hmm.

And you say the other one got away?

Yes. Pity. Still can't be helped.

Thing to do now is to cover all traces.

You go to this address, see what you can find.

Right.

And, Vincent, whatever you find, destroy.

Well, I never.

Good morning. Good morning.

Registered package. Sign here, please.

So you left him there.

That was foolish, Vincent.

Very foolish.

I destroyed the files, Mr. Riccardi. I made sure of that.

Nevertheless, there may be a general hue and cry.

We must continue to cover all traces.

The honey shop.

Take Bernie with you.

Yes, Mr. Riccardi.

Good morning. Good morning, dear lady.

Oh, forgive me. I've just been attending to my little charges.

Buzzing around the hive, so to speak.

Exhausting work.

But rewarding, you know.

Rewarding. Bumble.

Bee bumble at your service.

Yes, most rewarding.

Treat my bee like children, you know.

Happy bees make bumper honey.

Yes, like children.

One of them has a bad knee at the moment. I may have to operate.

Well then, dear lady.

I'd like to send some honey to a friend.

You can arrange that. Indeed I can.

Bumble's honey encircles the globe.

Nectar in Nyathaland, syrup in Sweden, honey in the Himalayas. You just give me

the address and I dispatch post haste. How much would you wish to send?

Just a jar or two. Which particular kind?

Our six -legged friends are very versatile, you know. I have 365

of honey. Just imagine, breakfast toast for a whole year and never the same

flavor twice.

Except in a leap year.

Oh, quite so.

Quite so.

I thought this would be rather nice.

Ah, yes.

Strength -free.

Pure syrup without wax.

Two jars, you said.

Won't keep you a moment, gentlemen.

Now, if you'll just put the address on these labels.

You? It was sent by a friend of mine, a Mr George Reid. Perhaps you remember

him. Reid?

Reid. We get so many customers.

But it was sent only the day before yesterday. The postmark was on the

Ah, in that case, I wouldn't remember.

And you, dear lady, must be mistaken.

The day before yesterday, I was at the Brabian Embassy making a personal

delivery of my delicious honey, and this shop was shut.

Will that be all?

Yes, thank you.

I'll invoice this and dispatch it right away.

Well, now, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

You can just keep quiet.

Follow the girl, Bernie. You know what to do.

Find the counter.

Come on.

Speaking. Who is this?

We haven't actually met, but I am Panthambi Hopkirk of the QQF.

Oh, yes.

I understand you've made an appointment to see me at the QQF this morning.

Well, I wonder if you'd mind making it a bit later, say 12 o 'clock. That be all

right? Yes, perfectly.

Good. See you later, then.

Mr. Hopkirk.

It's extremely silly of me, but I seem to have forgotten the address.

Beaver Street, Mr. Reed.

How do you do? I'm looking for Mr. Hopkirk, Mr. Puntenby Hopkirk of the

Je vous en prie, monsieur.

Pardon, mon general.

Mon brave general.

Je cherche monsieur Hopkirk.

Aha! Mr. Reed, isn't it? George Reed.

Yes. Hopkirk. Ponsonby Hopkirk. Welcome to the QQF. Doubly welcome. Sorry about

this, but I'm afraid I'm not ready for you yet. Little contretemps behind the

scenes. Not in any great hurry, are you? You'll wait, splendid.

Do take off your coat.

Aha.

Dinner jacket.

I detect a suppressed desire.

Want to be a bandleader, perhaps?

Or break the bank at Monte Carlo? We'll see.

We'll see.

Would you like tea?

Coffee? A drink, perhaps?

A drink would be... Right away, right away.

Won't keep you long, Napoleon.

Wellington's just getting his boots on.

Well, what do you think of my little genie?

Genie? Of the lamp.

Service with a smiley?

Ah, yes.

Thank you.

All fixed up, then? Mind if I leave you to it?

Capital. Excellent. If you need anything else, just rub.

Live up to our name, eh, QQF?

Quite, quite, quite fantastic.

Now it will just excuse me. I have to go and climb the Matterhorn.

This woman at the honey shop, what was her name?

Don't know, but she was talking about Reed.

Bernie's following her.

That was right, wasn't it?

Perfectly right, my dear Vincent.

He knows what to do, of course.

Oh, yes, Mr. McCarthy.

He knows what to do.

Goodbye, goodbye.

We'll climb Everest next week.

Now then, gentlemen.

Napoleon, everything's ready for you. Waterloo room, end of the corridor.

Mr. Prentiss, what was it for you today?

Indian Wars, stagecoach ride, of course, gunfight at the O .K. Corral.

Third door on the right. You'll find them all ready and waiting to ambush

Mr. Reed, sorry you've been kept waiting, but now you have my undivided

attention. So tell me, what can the QQF do for you?

I should like to know a little more about it.

You mean you haven't received our advertising literature?

Oh, dear, how remiss of me.

Well, the QQF, the Quite Quite Fantastic Incorporated, can help you quite

simply. to satisfy your most repressed desires.

In a nutshell, Mr. Reed, we will create your fantasies and let you live them.

Would you like tea and honeyed muffins? Honeyed. Or jam or treacle? No, thank

you. It all began with the Arabian Nights, you know.

QQF. Yes, as a boy I was fascinated by the tales of the Arabian Nights.

I would dream of living in that exotic era.

Then one day I thought, why dream? Why not make my dreams a reality?

After that, it was easy. A matter of the right decor, the right atmosphere, a

few tricks.

This, for example.

Rubbing it, you see, sets up an electronic impulse that rings a bell in

cellar. My little genie then pops up through a trapdoor in the floor.

Just a theatrical trick, but a very effective one, don't you think?

Very. Then I began to think of the commercial possibilities.

Creating other people's dreams and fantasies.

And so the QQF was born.

Within these portals, Mr. Reed, you can stand beside Nelson at Trafalgar, fight

with General Custer, become Genghis Khan, a Roman emperor, heavyweight

ruler of the world, a million dreams made to order, fantasies created with a

simple tricks such as you have already seen.

Don't worry, old man.

Better luck next time.

Now, Mr. Reed, your own fantasy.

Might I suggest an intrepid trapper or a cavalryman at Balaclava riding into the

Valley of Death?

Well, I thought that I might... Got it.

You're a secret agent.

Yes, indeed, ideal for you. Licensed to kill. Pitting your wits against a

diabolical mastermind. Make a change from your everyday humdrum existence,

wouldn't it?

Yes, certainly make a change.

But no doubt you have a little fantasy of your own. I'd like the same as Ronnie

Westcott. Ronald Westcott. He is a client of yours.

Mr. Westcott.

Here just the other day, as a matter of fact.

Haven't heard from him since.

Unavoidably detained.

But whatever you fixed up for him, fine for me.

I would hardly think that you...

Did create a fantasy of him, didn't you? I was working on it, yes, but I

wouldn't have thought it was you. Oh, no, no, no.

Whatever's good enough for Ronnie is good enough for me.

Very well.

I'll let you know when it's arranged.

Fine.

What is it to be?

The fantasy.

What am I to be?

Chief eunuch in a harem.

Oh, Colonel Robertson, Steed here.

Did Mrs. Peel call and tell you about the body in my apartment?

She did.

Well, will you have it removed right away, please? It's very untidy.

You already have?

Hold on, Colonel.

Colonel, it's another body entirely.

Yes, a different one.

Look, Colonel, I'm not responsible for what happens in my apartment when I'm

in it.

Of course I'm not trying to corner the market. And furthermore...

Sorry about the body.

But he was too big to sweep under the carpet.

Nothing on him to identify him. But I saw him earlier today at B. Bumble and

That's a honey shop, by the way. Tell you all about it later.

Must buzz back to Bumble.

Message ends.

Mr. Bumble?

Mr.

Bumble?

Well, Vincent, what hath happened to Bernie?

You should have reported back by now.

He ought to have dropped the car. He should, he ought.

It would have been better if you had attended to the girl yourself.

We shall give him one hour, no more.

And then we must presume the worst and act accordingly.

The QQF?

Well, you're due there soon, aren't you?

Well, hurry up, my dear Vincent.

You mustn't miss your third fantasy, must you?

Well, Mrs. Peel, I've given you a general outline of the service I offer.

else can I add?

My readers would be interested in more specific cases.

This interest from the press is most gratifying. Most.

Specific cases.

Well, I suppose my most ambitious fantasy to date was the sinking of the

Titanic. Several of my staff had to be resuscitated afterwards.

Then there was Hannibal crossing the Alps, an assassination, riding a Derby

winner. An assassination?

Yes, had several of those.

Very difficult to set up.

How do you go about an assassination?

First,

we allow our client to select.

His victim. A real person, a VIP perhaps, or an eminent businessman.

Then we provide our client with this and get him in a position to use it.

We allow him to actually get his victim into his sights.

And then... Then?

He has a fine photograph to commemorate the occasion. A camera gun.

Helps him to get something out of his system and nobody gets hurt.

I see.

Now, Mr. Hopcock, if I could know a bit more about your client.

Client? Vincent East, for example.

He is a client of yours? Mrs. Peel, I'm afraid I'm unable to discuss

individuals, ethics of my business. My lips are sealed.

Oh, but surely... I must insist.

Well, thank you anyway.

Not at all, Mrs. Peel.

And if ever you should wish to join the QQF, a fantasy perhaps?

No, thank you. I haven't yet exhausted reality.

Pity.

Mr. Vincent, ready for your third fantasy? In a nice, murderous mood, are

Therapy.

QQF, may I speak to Mr. East, please?

Vincent, bad news.

Bernie has not returned.

Of course I know what that means.

You'll have to kill Hopkirk.

You know what? What?

We're getting nowhere fast.

Well, there's the honey.

I mean, there has to be a link somewhere. Why else would we have sent

Because...

I don't know.

One thing's certain, Reed and Westcott weren't killed for a jar of honey.

Then it's QQS.

Quite, quite fantastic.

Well, that turned out to be a dead end, so what was Ronnie doing there?

I can understand the Harim bit, but... Harim?

That was part of the fantasy Ronnie ordered.

Harim. And Bumble said something about the Barabian Embassy.

He made a delivery there.

Barabian Embassy, Harim, two agents killed.

Now!

Hopkirk sometimes dreams up an assassination.

Now let's rehearse it again.

I am the Crown Prince, Ali.

And you, his murderer, are concealed, say, here.

I am perhaps enjoying a quiet smoke.

You have not revealed yourself yet.

The moment of surprise has yet to come.

You hold your gun at the ready.

The gun, Vincent.

The gun.

Now then, you choose your moment well, and then up

you pop.

No, no, man.

You're not putting enough into it. You won't get any satisfaction out of your

fantasy unless you put something into it.

Think.

Think murderously.

Your expression, your whole attitude is too bland, too unconvincing.

You wouldn't frighten a fly off a wall.

Get a firm grip on your gun.

Higher.

Point it at me.

Here.

No, that's not very good.

You won't get anywhere unless you concentrate.

Fix me with your eye.

And think to yourself.

I am going to kill him.

I am going to kill him!

Much better!

Much more -

Fantastic. Quite, quite fantastic.

Hopkirk, you've arranged another fantasy, haven't you?

One too many, I'm afraid.

I mean the assassination of Prince Arley.

When's it to take place?

Tonight. How?

Too late.

Splendid.

Quite splendidly detailed.

No doubt if we follow these instructions, you'll be able to

security of the Barabian embassy, and then our talk is over.

Hopcock certainly knows his business.

Knew his business.

As you say, my dear Vincent.

As you say.

Well, why don't you just go to the Crown Prince and tell him there's to be an

attempt on his life tomorrow?

We can't possibly do that. You know why he's here.

Or to sign over oil concessions in our favour. In return for which we give his

country full military protection.

Well? Well, he won't have much confidence in our military protection if

even protect him, one man in our own country.

I wonder what weapon the assassin will use.

A gun?

A knife? Rope?

Poison? I was thinking of the honey. It's important somehow.

We'll have to be within tasting distance to do that.

Prince Ali won't step outside the embassy once he's arrived.

So the killer has to get smuggled in or be there.

But he has to be in the embassy somehow.

And so do I.

I pray pardon for this intrusion, Your Majesty.

What is it, Grand Vizier?

An offender from the British government.

Oh, high and gracious one, he begs to be admitted to your most illustrious

presence. Is he to be trusted?

His credentials have been checked once, twice, and thrice times over. Oh, high

and mighty one, his person has been searched for offensive weapons. I, who

mere speck on the camel's back, a poor, lowly, ignorant toad in your most all

-seeing eyes, think he can be trusted.

Let him be admitted.

At once!

Pearl of all wisdom, with all speed.

You enter with head lowered. Do not speak until his royal highness has

you.

Affend his deed, your royal highness.

What is your business, Mr. Teed? A social call, Your Majesty. I am with the

Ministry of... of Eastern Affairs.

We merely wish to ensure that you are enjoying your stay in this country.

We thank you.

You may gaze upon the royal and most noble features.

On behalf of my peoples in my country, I, Ali Mostasham Gibran, Crown Prince of

Arabia, defender of the faith...

Soother of all souls, lighter of dark corners, fountain of wisdom, welcome

A vizier?

Do you play cricket?

Yes, I do, but... Bowler or batsman?

A bit of an all -rounder. Jolly good.

Keep an eye out for the vizier.

Come on, up the doubles.

Now, Henry, mid -arm.

Herbert, short leg.

Flory, first flip. Ethel, second flip.

Field all right for you, Mr. Tees?

Thank you, Your Majesty, but I'd prefer Flory at silly mid -arm. Right.

What'll it be?

Middle and leg.

That's just about right.

Thank you, Flory.

Come on, old boy. Keep them coming.

That's the royal command.

That's right, my dear. Keep me cool.

I enjoy the ultraviolet, but not the heat.

Just here.

And here.

Splendid. Quite splendid.

I'm ready to go.

Nothing overlooked?

No.

Except the payoff.

Half now.

Half when the job is finished.

Those were the agreed terms.

Yes.

But when you said half, I expected... I thought... We must trust one another, my

dear Vincent.

We really must.

And take your time about it.

A sure aim and one nice big bang.

Well, I think a break for tea is clearly indicated.

Would you like some tea, Mr. Steve?

Thank you.

You summoned me, O great and high one? I certainly did. Tea for myself and my

guests, Vizier. Instantly, Your Royal Highness.

Well,

that is service.

Oh, we don't stand for any laxness, you know. If any of them gets idle, we chop

off a few of their toes. Ginger them up, no end.

There are a couple of my wives. That's number four.

Ah, number 33.

Charming girl. Cost me a bag of salt and four goats.

I've got lots more out the back.

Goats?

Wives. Got to have a lot of them. Matter of taterpity.

What was it at the last count?

320,

Your Royal Highness.

Ah, I can see your European eyes flashing at the prospect.

But have you ever paused to consider that a man with 320 wives also acquires

mothers -in -law? That's a very sobering thought. Very.

Now, then, I'll have one of those and... Ah, yes, one of those.

Yes, Your Royal Highness.

No discomfort?

No, Your Royal Highness.

Not even a slight twinge?

No, Your Royal Highness. He tastes everything before me.

There's always someone trying to pop me off.

Got to be careful.

Now, what about you, Mr. Steed? What'll you have?

Well, you don't seem to have any honey.

Honey?

Personally, I loathe the stuff, but if that's what you want... Oh, no, please

don't bother. This is fine.

So you don't take to it, honey?

Never touch the stuff. Far too sweet for my taste.

My wives, though, they love it. I've had to order loads of the stuff while I'm

here. From Bee Bumble and Company? That's right.

Forty jars of the stuff. Another three truckloads this afternoon.

Three trucks for forty jars this size?

It wasn't that size, old boy. More that size.

Forty man -sized jars.

Man -sized?

May I see them? They're all out there.

Oh, well, in that case, I'm sure Your Majesty won't mind.

That's quite impossible, Mr. Steve.

You can't go in there.

No man can except me.

You see, that is my harem.

It suits you.

Brings out the color of your eyes.

No. But Mrs. Peel, only a woman has a chance of getting into a harem.

I am... Absolutely refused.

But the assassin will be there, I'm sure of it, hidden in a honey jar. No deed.

All right. Well, if Prince Ali gets murdered, you'll have to go through life

thinking, if only I'd helped, a human life would have been... Would have been

saved. Tell me the worst.

The prince has invited me to dinner tonight.

And you're taking a guest along?

Well, not a guest, exactly.

Tell me, Mrs. Peel, what size do you take in Turkish trousers?

To the last placeholder.

Much better.

I'm afraid I won't be able to smuggle that in.

The search is too rigorous.

It should be quite a night.

Quite a night.

Because you're my friend and have found favor in my eyes. Thank you.

It is the left eye of a mountain rat.

A very rare delicacy.

I also have a gift for you.

Full commentary of the last test match.

That is kind. Most kind.

We are pleased to accept.

It's a twin track.

Press the other side and you get this.

Oh, that is charming.

Makes me quite homesick.

Now, quite apart from that, we have some entertainment.

Your Highness, may I present my compliments.

Arkady, nice to see you again.

It was most gracious of you to invite me, sir.

I trust that Your Highness is in excellent health. Indeed, do sit down.

Oh, Mr. Steed, may I present Mr.

Arkady. He's a rival of yours, Arkady.

Mr. Steed is with the British government.

Oh, congratulations, you beat up to it.

Oh, the oil concession?

My government hoped to obtain them in exchange for our military protection.

Mr. Steed was about to arrange an entertainment for us. So I was.

Your Majesty, with your permission, may I present the lustrous, luminous star of

the East, Emma.

Marhaba, marhaba.

Six veils. I counted only six. There's one to go.

She was poorly educated, Your Majesty.

Alas, she cannot count.

I would speak with this woman.

Certainly, Your Majesty.

What's your party turn?

Giselle? Shh. We don't want to offend the offendee.

Your Majesty!

Emma. Here,

woman. Sit here.

Excuse me.

A shy one.

But not much.

You say... Retarded, Your Majesty.

Definitely what you'd call retarded.

Nevertheless, I offer 12 goats.

Well, it's a great deal for just a woman.

But I've taken a fancy to her.

Yes.

Yes, I will buy her from you. But, Your Majesty, I couldn't possibly... It

seems, Your Majesty, that the British have no respect for your wishes.

Now, if it were my government... Now, I was just about to say, Your Majesty,

that I couldn't possibly accept any, well, any goats for her. Well, not even

tiniest nanny.

If you like her, you take her. She's yours. I give her to you. You can put

into your harem any time you like.

It is agreed, then.

Go with him, woman.

I shall be along later.

Your Majesty, tell me more about your camels. I fear we are detaining His

Majesty. His Majesty is anxious to retire.

Yes, I... But the evening is young and so entertaining.

But another entertainment awaits His Majesty.

Your Majesty, did I ever tell you about a cricket match I played in Rolpindi?

I'm rather tired.

I fear you were right, Arkady. That carries, Your Majesty. I think I'll cut

along now.

But, Your Majesty, I was going to... No need for you to rush off.

Stay on and enjoy yourself.

But, Your Majesty...

Emma, little star of the east, this is Saturday.

Your prince is here, Emma.

Emma.

Emma!

My patience is running thin, Emma.

Show your test woman!

is renowned for his ardor.

Get back, woman. It's a man. None must look.

No.

No, it was the Cardi's idea.

Not me.

Our Cardi's the man you want.

Where's our Cardi? Gone.

Well? Don't worry.

I know where to find him.

My friend, I don't know what it's all about, but clearly you've saved my life.

Anything I have is yours. My horses, my jewels, my favorite wife.

Tea!

I'll throw in a goat or two as well.

automobile. Ah, the dear old girl. But I can never resist a bargain.

They threw in two dozen goats as well.

Nannies, of course. Of course.

And it has extra advantages. It's very quiet, easy to run, floats way above the

traffic jams.

Just one thing, though.

Brake. How do you stop it?

That's a very good question.