Original subtitles

Tired?

Exhausted. No stamina?

No comments.

I know just how you feel.

How?

How would you know?

Serve at river temperature.

Didn't like to take a chance on the weather, so I thought I'd be on the safe

side. Got hold of a little rosé.

Pretty adaptable little wine.

Let's hope it may give you the strength to make the return journey.

Well, I hope it gives me the strength to...

Pull the cork. Ah.

You know, in this estuary, there used to be all sorts of lovely martlets.

The temple haunting martlet.

Macbeth, Act I, Scene 6, Banquo. Yes.

Well, now there are no martlets.

Agreed, there are no martlets. Why should you care? Well, think of the poor

watchers. Their gumboots and disappointed faces.

Cheers. Cheers.

Like a wine that bites back.

Steed, what about the martlet?

I don't know.

That's why I'm here eavesdropping on a lot of harmless birds.

Eavesdropping? It's indecent.

It's wasting time.

Not entirely.

How do you mean?

Just behind you.

Don't look.

A martlet?

A man.

He's in a tree with a pair of binoculars focused on us.

have to get back to London.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that. You gave me quite a time. Why were you

watching me? Watching you? You're mistaken.

I was watching for the birds.

Oh? Yes. Any particular one?

Yes. Tell me. The black -capped petrel.

No. Yes.

What is your name?

Quinn. Mr. Quinn.

Nobody's seen a black -capped petrel in England for a hundred years.

You know it and I know it, so don't let's play games.

1850 it was.

Norfolk. Let's assume we both know something about birds, shall we, Mr.

Yes.

I can ask you something you don't know.

Oh? Where have all the martlets gone?

79 % less rent, 58 % less thrushes, eagles, kites, ospreys, virtually

extinct.

Even affects the butterflies.

Can I help you? No, I'm fine.

I warned you before, Quinn.

This is private land.

Now get out.

It's my fault. I didn't know.

The master's got a partridge shoe back there.

Doesn't want you putting them to flight. We didn't do any damage.

Didn't see any partridge either.

You're calling me a liar.

Now what is it, Mallard?

Trespassers, sir.

I was just telling them that... All right, Mallard. I'll deal with it.

There's a break in the fence about a quarter of a mile back.

Fix it, will you? Yes, sir.

I must apologize for Malice. He means well.

He lacks charm, that's all.

I know you. I've seen you around. But I don't recognize you, miss.

Perhaps I ought to keep tabs on trespassers. I'm Mrs. Peel from the

Trust for Ornithology. This is Mr. Quince. Are you looking for anything in

particular?

Martlets. Oh, what's special about them?

They're Anthony.

Really? I wouldn't know. You can't hunt it or shoot it. I'm not interested.

I see. We'll argue that out one day, Mrs. Peel.

Do you ride?

A little.

I've got a middleweight bear hunter.

Suit you to a tea.

Anytime you want to shake up the liver.

Good day to you.

Morning, Juggins.

Ah. Thirsty work?

Homebrew. Not for me, thanks.

30 miles to the gallon.

Tomorrow night.

Think you can make it?

What do you think?

Shouldn't take much longer. Couple of sessions, I should think.

I slaughtered a bullet yesterday.

I'll drop the ribs in.

You bloodthirsty villain.

Lucky for you I am, isn't it?

This is country air.

My daughter's waiting.

I wore a carnation. Even that gave me hay fever.

May I put the division up?

Division? Surely not.

Oh, yes, of course.

These things always give me a kick.

Yes, all right. Little things, you know.

You were saying?

I was about to say.

Yes?

Oh, that's terrible.

It's terrible, terrible.

Tell them to move Harding across to right back.

I don't mind whether he likes it or not. Tell him it's an order.

Still running the ministry hockey team?

Oh, yes. They can't find anyone else.

Ridiculous.

So I was right.

No martlets.

Not so much as a feather.

That's how it all began last time.

I don't follow.

Now you understand why I asked you to come with me.

Where are we going?

Mandalay. Very nice day for you. What?

The hockey match.

Well, I hope Harding does well at right back.

I'm sure you made an excellent choice, Minister.

The usual, please.

Nine, please.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Stand still.

There's a good fellow.

Mandalay.

What happened?

Silent dust.

What's that?

Well, it should have been an organochlorine fertilizer.

Fertilizer? Unfortunately, it went wrong. Instead of renewing,

killed. Best. pesticide I ever saw.

It is lifeless, just like dust.

Kill the earthworms, Deed, and ultimately you kill everything.

Soil, birds, animals, man.

Fantastic. Been like this for nearly ten years now.

Will it recover?

No one can tell.

Do we know when it's going to happen?

Even has its own early warning system.

All the birds disappear.

The peach melba.

That'll be delicious. Not in the least like fertilizer.

Exactly. The whole thing's gone too far.

It has?

Yes, the Egyptians started it all.

Introduced the Nile with cedar oil.

Now it's a six million pound industry.

Even started putting smells back.

Make your old car smell like a new one.

Make doggies' rubber bones smell meaty. Really?

Should appeal to jaded canine palates.

Man's faithful friend deserves a fresh slobber. Oh, I've got another one.

Jasmine scented waterproof baby pants.

Are you pulling my leg?

Give baby a new start in life.

If it smells like peaches, people won't believe it doesn't be fertilizing.

We had a winner last year.

It smelled like old socks.

Dr. Manfred? Yes?

I know you're a busy man.

Yes. To the point, that's what I tell all my salesmen.

Silent dust.

What? What did you say?

Silent dust.

Shh.

I won't talk about it.

Those words haven't been mentioned here in years.

You've read the report.

Now, if somebody gets a large quantity of that, we must have your help.

Mr. Dean, there isn't an atom, molecule, call it what you will, of that

unmentionable product in the world today. Who was working on the project?

The man in charge.

Chemist named Prendergast.

Can I talk to him?

We don't suppose he's still here, do you? What happened?

He was sacked. We couldn't get him out of the building fast enough.

Would personnel have a file on him? Possibly. I don't want to talk about it

anymore.

Spenegas had a daughter.

A girl called Claire.

Keep still.

Fine subject you are.

I'll bet Picasso doesn't have all this trouble.

Oh, dear.

Yes. My name is Steve, John Steve. I spoke to you earlier.

Oh, yes. Come in, Mr. Steve.

Thank you.

Well, do sit down, won't you?

Thank you.

You said you'd been to the company.

Spoken to Dr. Manfred.

That's correct.

Then why come here?

Surely you must have heard it all by now.

There are two sides to every story, I always say. Not to this one.

Oh, really? My father was sacked.

Humiliated.

Treated like a lab boy.

Miss Prendergast, I would like to see your father.

Now, I'm sure I can help him.

It's too late for that, Mr. Steed.

A very dull life.

I had no idea.

You remember the cold snap at the end of March?

That's what killed him.

That's what finally killed him.

I'm very sorry. So was I, and the two other people that followed the coffin.

They say to err is human, to forgive divine.

Not a lot of divinity in the world, is there, Mr. Teed?

If there's anything I can... There is.

I just want to be left in peace.

Dead. Six months.

And still they won't leave him alone.

He wanted to help Father.

Help?

That's a lapse.

If you hadn't been around, we'd have starved.

What's his name?

Deed.

Deed.

Tell me what you think of the tent.

Hmm, beautiful.

The fairest things have fleeted then.

The tent.

Survives their clothes.

And the rosy scent is bitterness.

To him that loved the rose.

Francis Thompson.

Quite right.

Ne 'er a rose without a thorn.

Herrick.

Fifteen o 'clock. Your service.

I grow them.

Or rather, I create them.

From crossing into pollinating.

This little beauty took me ten years.

Whimsical Folly, out of Bates' Joy and Whimsy Dad.

Whimsy... Oh, of course I know it. I've seen it at several shows.

Yes.

You would.

Growing in half the gardens from here to Timbuktu.

My brain child.

Another penny piece do I get for it.

But I thought... Royalties for rose growers.

Yes.

They've changed that now.

It's too late, though.

Too late for me.

I'd have been a rich man if they'd done it 10, 15 years ago. Too darned late.

Friend of yours?

Oh, yes.

Excuse me.

I found out something.

About the martlets?

Could be.

I'd like to show you.

Where is it?

where I saw you that first morning. Yes, I remember.

Yes, well, I'll see you there nearby at the pinny at ten o 'clock tonight. How

will I find you?

He went off in mid -war. I haven't heard from him since.

You know where he's trying to go, you know? Well, he'd have told me there and

then, but nothing's frightened him off.

Oh?

Mellors. Who's he?

The local gamekeeper.

Mellors. Not the gamekeeper.

He works for Peter Ormrod.

He's the local squire type. Hunting, shooting, fishing, sitting on every

committee.

Old county family, eh? Mm -mm.

By the way, how's your connection with industrial science?

Well -oiled.

Check up on a chemist called Prendergast.

Used to work for Fellows Fertilizers.

I'll see what I can pick up here.

I'm sure you will.

Pick up something.

I don't know what's the matter with him. Does nothing but sweat and keep biting

his stomach.

Sounds naughty.

Constantly trying to lie down.

Raving drunk.

Beg your pardon?

If it's a man, raving drunk.

If it's a horse, raving colic. You think so?

All the classic symptoms.

I agree, but my vet seems to have some doubts. Anyway, I've sent for him.

Mr... Steed.

John Steed. Well, you did right then.

Father vet, don't let the horse lie down. Keep him walking.

I've already done that.

You've nothing to worry about.

That's very reassuring.

Tell me, do you know a lot about horses, Mr. Steed?

Do a bit of steeplechasing.

Oh, I would have thought you were a little too tall in the saddle.

Oh, I don't know.

Comes in handy.

Pop the old feet down.

Help the animal over the sticks.

What'll you have to drink, then, eh, Miss... Beryl, snow. Thank you, I'd love

one. Well, Miss... Time we were off. Oh, most awfully sorry meeting, you know.

Some other time?

Soon, I hope.

Charming little filly.

Double brandy, please.

We're all on the hunt committee.

Omrod's master of hounds.

Probably some last -minute arrangements.

Oh, so that's Omrod carrying on the family tradition, eh? Oh, no, Omrod's

these parts.

And they've been here, let's see, 14 years.

Not like Miss Snow.

The Snows have been here centuries, setting the dial.

Well, until recently, that is.

What happened?

We lost all their money.

Soil turns sour on them, or something like that.

Where the devil have you been?

I just lit a sour throat.

You can hear the squeal three mile away.

You measured it, no doubt.

They could draw me.

This couldn't be anyone.

Snowdrop, come on, put some meat on your boards and some fire in your belly.

Thank you, I can manage without.

Bye. You should have heard that sound.

It was like music.

All right, that's enough, Juggins. Let's get down to business.

We got clearance from the Palmer?

All that we need.

Don't want to upset anyone, do we?

They're not round here, anyway.

And, Beryl, what about the hounds? Ready and raring to go.

I trust they're in good voice.

That's important.

Chunk them up on scooby before we start.

And they'll all fall asleep, no thanks.

What sort of turnout will it be?

One hundred percent.

Do you have any last -minute invitation?

Yes, I might have.

One or two.

Stop playing.

The hunt can take care of itself.

If I remember correctly...

Prendergast didn't have a particular assistant.

Oh, he was a lone wolf.

Exactly. Yes, that describes him very well. Did you know him?

Oh, he was a star in his own way, you know, quite out of my orbit.

What's this photograph?

Oh, that's the annual general conference, you know, representatives

branches, subsidiary companies.

Oh, it's a wonderful evening.

You know, seven -course dinner, corsage for all the ladies, cigarettes for all

the men.

What's wrong?

This man.

Who is he?

Oh, that Mr. Omrod.

Charming man.

Not that I've met him myself.

What's he to do with the company?

Nothing, nothing. He's, um... Oh, what do you call it?

One of these farmers who try experimental products.

Agricultural advisor.

It's agreed, then.

Forty million pounds, made available in the Zurich bank.

Switzerland, eh?

Lovely country for roses.

Yes, that's fine.

Beryl? 40 million.

Adequate compensation, I'd say, yes.

Juggins? Aye, well, I'll leave the wordifying to you. I mean, that's not my

department.

40 million, you say?

You reckon that's enough, do you?

Oh, yes.

Don't you?

Split four ways, you know.

It's still 10 million each.

I've got my eye on an Aberdeen Angus. I've always wanted to cross one with my

old Steinfriedian.

You'll be able to cross an Aberdeen Angus with a cottage loaf.

I'll have plenty left over for scrumpy, eh? More than you'll ever be able to

drink.

Fair enough, then.

And if they don't pay up?

They will.

After we destroy Dorset.

And we'll destroy county after county until they do pay.

If need be.

We'll destroy the whole country.

enough, mister.

Morning, squire.

Beautiful weather.

Having my morning constitutional.

Road back that way.

Oh, I missed her.

I almost took you for a poacher just then.

I've ordered to shoot poachers.

That'll keep them down.

Thank you.

You're sure Mr. T didn't leave a message?

Yes, miss. Went out right after lunch. I saw him from that very window.

Well, did he say anything about dinner?

Ordered it before he went.

Good evening, Mrs. Peel.

Mr. Omrod.

You still haven't taken me up on my invitation.

It's still in my in -tray.

Beautiful three -year -old just waiting to be exercised.

You ever done any hunting, Mrs. Peel?

A little.

Fascinating. Pitch your wits against a master of craftiness and deception.

Point and counterpoint.

Finally cornering him.

And killing.

It's a wonderful day's sport.

Well, what about it?

I'll let you know.

Boyfriend let her down.

Who's that?

That chap who runs that vintage job.

Name of Speed.

I prefer you clean -shaven. Are you all right?

Oh!

It's fleshy, but not serious.

I ran into Mr. Mbella's down the unfriendly end of a 12 -bore.

Don't I get a shot of that red eye? Uh -uh. This is a dry town, partner.

Are you feeling well enough to stand another shock?

Peter Ormrod was an advisor with Fellows Fertilizers.

He holds the pilot's license, and he's an expert crop sprayer. Don't confuse me

with the facts.

You're as sound in mind and limb as you'll ever be, so I'll leave you to it.

have an appointment with Claire Prendergast. You may have more success

than I did. Admire the brush strokes, keep your feet off the mantelpiece.

I'd like an opinion on this.

What is it?

It could be silent dust.

And why are you telling me all this? You might happen to be passing the

analysts. Inevitably.

Spare a thought for me as I lie here, spent, alone. Not quite alone.

You have company.

Oh?

Quince. Where?

In that cupboard.

I think I shall retire to the country.

Lead a contemplative life.

Small cottage and a handyman.

You're not a country girl, are you?

No, I'm not.

It's a charming village.

Glad you like it.

I suppose, like everything else, it changed a great deal.

Hmm, I suppose so.

You can take a rest now, Mrs. Peel. Thank you.

Are these for sale?

Most of them.

What happened to the fountain?

It's not there anymore, is it?

Oh, Laurie ran into it.

Council decided to remove it. Wasn't safe.

When was this?

Oh, two years ago.

Do you do much riding?

There's a saying in the village, Mrs. Peel.

No point going up top farm to get to Midsomer Meadow.

What does it mean?

It means come to the point.

If you want to get to the meadow, you don't go six miles out of your way to do

so. When your father lost his job, you had the whole of this country to choose

from, yet you chose this village.

Why?

My father not only lost his job, he lost all his friends.

Only one stood by him.

One good friend.

He brought it down here.

Well, that one's not for sale.

No?

He's the one good friend.

I'm sure you won't mind. I told your butler not to bother.

We haven't met, have we? My name's Teed.

Sorry, oil.

Sorry, buckshot.

What a nice gun.

Should be.

Weather -biz.

I've got its brother, only with a walnut stock.

Better use them while we can, hadn't we?

What do you mean?

Birds are getting scarcer minute by minute.

I hadn't heard.

Oh, you'd better ask your gamekeeper.

Nellis?

He mistook me for a partridge.

Seriously ruffled my wing feathers.

Oh, I must speak to him.

I must tell him to be a little more... Accurate?

Careful.

Oh, well, that's 70 bar per hundred cartridges.

My poor old father, he's thin in his grave.

Can I be of any service, Mr. Dean?

I'm negotiating for some land.

I'd very much like your advice.

Perhaps you'd give me some idea about local prospects.

You intend to farm?

Yes. Arable? A little bit of everything.

Stock, sugar beet, grain.

Forget it.

Save your money and try elsewhere.

Just a bit of friendly advice. The country around here isn't any too good

farming. Lots of problems.

Soil isn't very rich, you see. So that's it.

I've been talking to the local suppliers.

That's why you've been buying up this enormous amount of phosphates.

Steve's become a problem.

I warned him, but I don't think it'll do any good, Sherry. What excuses has he

got for snooping around?

He says he wants to buy land.

I'll give him some free for nothing.

You will?

Aye, six feet of it.

Right, enough talking. Let's have some action.

A little poll -axing party.

We're only a few days away from success.

Tomorrow we destroy Dorset. The next day, the Prime Minister gets our

We can't afford to take risks.

Indeed, it's a very big risk.

Seems such a pity.

He's just the sort of risk I fancied.

I'm not so sure of the girl, either.

Nor me.

Didn't you say he'd been quizzing Clare?

Is Mrs. Peel going to the hunt? I invited her.

Aye, and a lot can happen on a hunt. Wise move to invite Mrs. Peel.

Get Dee there, too, and then we can make a clean sweep of it. Yes, you're right.

It's the best way.

I've got a brand -new cleaver. Needs christening.

Wonderful blade.

Horn to a whisker.

No, Juggins.

Why not?

Must look like a hunting accident.

A double one.

Much more original.

Devil's dike. How do we know they look fit?

Just leave that to me.

Charlie Hall.

Charlie Bloomin' Hall.

Emma Peel. And when did you get an invitation?

This forenoon. The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.

Oh, I got the analyst's report.

You were right.

Silent dust? Highly concentrated. One sackful would destroy an area of 40

Got the sandwiches?

Out to you, Lady Emma. Thank you.

What did you think of... a friend to guard she's in need of care and

pretty dodgy guardian a wolf in hunting pink

drug in you'll be in amongst the hounds when it comes to the kill and

his dressage cross well it's roses blooms but he

got the blight and what about your friend miss snow

She's got a good feet.

She's got a good feet.

Omrod.

He cracked the whip.

Good hunting.

Good hunting.

Morning, Master.

Glad you could make it.

Thanks.

Marvelous.

Mr. Seed? Yes?

I wonder if you would help me. It's my horse.

Anything for you, my dear. What's wrong with it? Can't keep him away from the

drawer. Just seems to want to keep on drinking all the time.

Oh, dear.

Once had an auntie like that.

Right

there,

athletic.

We don't want you left behind, do we, Mrs. Peel?

What's the matter, then?

What's the matter, eh?

You haven't got the colic, have

you?

Smooth as clockwork.

What about Snowdrop?

Ah, she won't be a minute.

Well, there'll be no hitches with the helicopter.

Good. Ah, it's a grand day for it.

Not that I've got anything against Dorset. The brother Jethro used to farm

there. Hiya, Farrell.

Well, Jughead, celebration tonight.

A magnum of champagne for each of us.

Do you reckon this will bring the government to their knees, then?

There's you.

Wouldn't mind betting a fiver on it.

Acre on acre of dead ground.

Should do the trick.

It'll be the showplace of the nation.

A desert in Dorset.

Dorset.

Thank you, gentlemen, for the warning.

Now, put your hands above your heads and turn round.

across the fields. I did get after her.

You wanted a day's hunting, didn't you? The thrill of the chase and all that.

No hunting calls.

Fine. First one to a get these.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Are you sure you know how to control one of these things, Steve?

Absolutely, my dear.

Nothing to worry about. Just a question of throwing ballast overboard.

What happens when we run out of ballast?